For instance, Sam asked me to join a few different Facebook groups to be able to share his posts with various groups. From time to time, the (mostly) women in the groups were exceptionally rude and negative. They only wanted their candidate to win - even though every candidate in his race seemed to feel passionately the same about every issue raised. Running against other Democrats seemed difficult because fundamentally we all believe the same things and have the same ideas for what needs to change at the federal level. Women would respond with such comments like, "Why would I vote for a man when a qualified woman is running?" I was asked (not by Sam, by the way) not to react to such comments, which went against everything I felt inside, because my immediate (and not-so-immediate) response is, "How dare you say something so sexist. Can you imagine a man saying, 'Why would I vote for a woman when a qualified man is running?' How truly anti-feminist." As a mother of three boys, my job is also to allow them equal opportunity to be heard, seen, and valued. Just because they don't have vaginas doesn't mean they are less than. I've been a feminist as long as I can remember, and I raise my sons to be feminists, too. This comment goes against what feminism preaches - equality for both sexes - not simply the promotion of women. I've been told this is the year of the woman. Great! I am all for more women in government and in positions of power and decision-making. But, it's not time to completely disregard men or treat them as women have been treated for centuries. It's not an "eye for an eye" mentality, it's not about punishing men, and it's not about swinging the pendulum to the complete opposite side where men become undeserving. It's about leveling this unequal playing field but without putting one sex ahead of the other.
Also, Sam's candidacy meant putting our family in a public arena, where our privacy was sacrificed a great deal. Now that the campaign is over, I can share that we had a couple threatening comments made on a YouTube posting. It was quite scary and disturbing, and as a mother, it was difficult to not demand my husband drop out of the campaign altogether. Remarks using words like "murder in the cradle" and "the whole family should hang" were not easy to read and let go of. My own mom continued to check in on us during that hectic week of the remarks we reported to the police and the ADL for the hateful speech by a person with a swastika emblem in his profile picture.
Another problem we faced was the response (or lack of response) from family and friends. Some family members flat out said they won't support Sam and were shocked that Sam would even call for a donation. Of course, that was right in the beginning of the campaign, when Sam was just getting his feet wet and trying out his newfound "call time" skills. How discouraging this was, to get such an ugly reaction from people in my family. My heart broke for Sam, knowing how hurt he was by these few people. Then, there are the friends who either never responded to his calls, never lifted a finger to help block walk or phone bank or attend an event or donate a penny. There were times we were feeling like, "What the hell are we doing thinking we can motivate complete strangers if we can't even motivate our friends to do a damn thing!?" These times helped us see who true friends are and aren't, and unfortunately some ties have been strained. I always tried to look at it in a different way. Perhaps these friends disagree with Sam's politics. Perhaps they are Republicans and don't know how to tell you; Lord knows it would certainly be hard for me to volunteer my money or time to a Republican campaign no matter who was running. But, open communication would have been nice. It would have been kinder for friends to simply say, "Buddy, I wish I could donate/volunteer/vote for you, but I'm a Republican and just can't." We would have completely understood that. Avoiding us or being unresponsive has genuinely felt so awful.
Look, I'm just being honest. This is a perspective you seldom get to hear about because it's rare to know someone who runs for office. Those who promised to vote and didn't, those who promised to do anything they could to help and didn't - that hurt. We could have used your help. Sam could have used your vote. And I implore you to change - get out there and become more active. It's not that we are spying on you, but candidates pay for access to Voter Activation Network (VAN) where information is given about the elections you have voted in (what year, what primary). They can't see what you voted, but they can see which primary (Democrat or Republican). That information is so helpful in informing how candidates proceed - whether they knock on your door or reach out to you on a phone bank call. We didn't think we were going to have to phone bank our own friends! But, lack of motivation to get out there and vote for a friend frustrated us, and as I'm sure you can imagine when people told us they voted and there is proof they didn't, it's hard to reconcile that. We have felt so defeated by that. On the other hand, there have been Republican family members and friends who actually showed up for Sam. They know Sam and know he would represent them well, even if they didn't typically support the same type of policies. They knew Sam would listen, and they knew he is a man of integrity and decency. There were difficult calls Sam would make to friends he knew would certainly be unwilling to support him, but he did it anyway. One Republican friend responded to Sam's request for a donation with: "Of course I'll donate! What good is money if you can't use it to help friends?"
Sam's candidacy meant a lot of hypothetical discussion about what our family would do if he really won the campaign in November. It was silly to think about so far in advance, because the chances of a Democrat winning this area are slim to none, but I want to believe it CAN be done. I was willing to give it a good try, and after investing so much time, money, energy, and time away from Sam, it's hard to feel good about him NOT winning - when I truly believe Sam was our district's best chance to actually win against a Republican candidate. He was winning over Republican voters in the March primary already. But, as results clearly indicate, he wasn't doing enough to motivate Democratic voters to support him.
Our efforts came to a screeching halt Tuesday night when the large majority of voters did NOT vote for Sam. That's when the anger started boiling. It wasn't so much about him not winning, it was more about the lack of voter turn out and the discrepancy between his opponent's percentage of votes vs. Sam's. All the sacrifices, and it wasn't even CLOSE. I have since learned the tactic being used by his opponent to reach out to voters - and while I don't judge the tactic itself, my mama heart really hurts for my boys who didn't have their daddy around for so many evenings and weekends because he was utilizing much more laborious efforts compared to his opponent. There was no way Sam and his team could have competed with the services being provided to his opponent, and the opposing team knew it. It's hard to stomach that, and I've cried a little at the loss of time, the hard work I witnessed, and the frustration Sam was enduring - while I was at home trying my best to hold down the fort and not scream at my three little babies who were driving me nuts during bedtime, bath time, dinner time, homework time, etc etc... while I was completely alone. Knowing what I know now only makes me feel so utterly defeated. Again, the support the opposing campaign was receiving isn't necessarily wrong or improper, I guess I just wish there was a way we could have been told that we simply couldn't get the resources they were utilizing. Would Sam have dropped out? Probably not, but I might have been able to stomach the news better and not felt so dumped on.
The thing I haven't really been able to say is that last night's victor is amazing... and if my husband weren't her opponent, I surely would have voted for her... (well, to be truthful, I wouldn't have voted in the primary at all because I never have before this year). The problem is I'm worried she can't win in November. And, that's a problem with the Democratic party. In November, when she runs against a Republican, she will have a hard time getting conservative voters to change to voting for a Democrat -just like Sam would have. A district like ours that has been red for decades is not going to switch suddenly to blue without putting a candidate in the race who is likely to win over Republican voters. That has GOT to happen, and I'm worried it won't. I wasn't as worried with Sam because I have witnessed him getting Republican votes already. I really fuckin' want her to win. All OUR hard work will feel even more squandered if she can't pull this off. When it came to determining if Sam should even run, we honestly didn't care who won, as long as a Democrat won. Sam putting his name in the hat, at such an opportune time, seemed (and still seems) like perfect timing, but the passion was all about a Democrat helping bring back morality to Washington. And, damn, I really hope we Dems can pull that off!
Like I've said before, motivating Democrats to vote is like encouraging a sloth to run in molasses. It's nearly impossible, and you'll wait all day for it to happen, and it likely won't. We have so much to lose if that doesn't change. I don't know what to say to get you to vote, to get you to care, to get you to take action. I believe most people are Democratic-minded, but we tend to believe our vote doesn't matter or that someone else will do our bidding. That is so not true. I implore you to get more politically active, to support a cause, to fucking VOTE. Especially in this mid-term election when Republicans are banking on Democrats not showing up to the polls, we have to take the 2 minutes it takes (TWO MINUTES FOR GOD'S SAKE!) to drive to the library or rec center and SHOW UP! Make your voices heard. Educate yourself on who is running and know they could use your help - because they are dealing with SO much more than you could ever know: family and friends who turn on them, death threats, time away from their loved ones, their own financial sacrifices, and opponents who may or may not be playing fairly.
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| Love the Marriott sign immediately above my head. That's the hotel where we were married. |
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