I Wish I Could KNEE Someone

I need to vent. Just hear me out. I need a platform for which to vent my frustrations with the outrageousness that is our current health care system. Lucky for me, I already have this blog for posts like this, so I'm going to just vent away. It may seem like a random mess of thoughts. . . it is. And, I don't really care if my writing seems all over the place; it will only correctly portray my scattered thoughts at this moment. So without further ado, I step onto my soapbox:

Last year, only a day or so after Banner was born and the epidural from my C-section had worn off, I sat "criss-cross" (formerly "Indian style") on the hospital bed while hanging out in our room. I uncrossed my legs and felt a shooting pain down the outside of my right knee. (Maybe while in labor with an epidural my nurses positioned my legs in a funky way that hurt my knee?) I didn't think much of it, but every time after that when I would sit on my leg or sit in the criss-cross position, the same pain would come. I quickly learned to avoid sitting like that, even though that has been difficult with a young baby always on the floor playing. I just learned to deal with it until the day before our family's July 4th celebration. I was in the kitchen getting ready to bake my 4th of July cake (which was yummy, by the way!), and I squatted down to get to the cake pans below the ovens. I felt something in my right knee get tight, and then it was hard to stand up. Again, I tried to ignore it, thinking I just squatted "funny" but the next couple of days brought more pain and weird swelling. So, I told Sam I wanted to go see a doctor. He agreed I needed to go and soon.

The catch is the health insurance. See, we had health insurance through Sam's firm. Before he left his firm, he and his partners began signing up for insurance through the Bar Association. Due to the amount of paperwork continually needed by the insurance company, July was nearly halfway over and we still didn't have the insurance bound. The company wanted more information, more documents filled out by physicians, etc - and all of this was through snail mail - no faxes or emails allowed. (Not sure why that is. Can someone please tell me why these people haven't welcomed themselves to the 21st century?) Anyway, I was in pain. I called an orthopedist to make an appointment, but when the receptionist asked for our insurance information, I told her I didn't have the new numbers just yet, but that I would have it within the next week. She told me to call back the following week because the first appointment would be expensive with X-rays, and I for sure would want to be covered.

So, I waited a week. Still nothing from the insurance company. My knee was getting more swollen, and my limping was getting on my nerves. Plus, bathing Banner, crawling on the floor to play with him, getting up and down off the floor and in and out of the car was wearing on me. So, I told Sam I couldn't wait any longer. He said to go ahead and make the appointment and that we'd just pay out-of-pocket. If it was really expensive, we'd get insurance back from his former firm by utilizing COBRA. Since COBRA is retroactive as long as we signed up for it before the end of the month, we were safe.

As I paid my $238 to the doctor for my first visit, which included a self-pay discount, I texted Sam to "GET COBRA!" since the doctor wanted me to have an MRI and possibly surgery depending on the results of the MRI. So, that same day, Sam called his former firm and got signed up. Two weeks later, I'm still waiting for the cards to come in the mail with our information. . . which means I paid the $400 for the MRI out-of-pocket. Since the MRI results showed a lateral meniscus tear and lots of fluid in the knee joint, the doctor recommended surgery to clear everything up. So, I paid another $108 to the doctor for that visit, $250-something to the hospital for blood work, $1660-something for the doctor to do surgery, $3800 to the surgery center, $45 for crutches, $42 for my pain prescriptions, over $1,000 for the anesthesiologist, and who knows how much my physical therapy will cost.  And, we're still waiting for the damn cards from the insurance company (which is the same insurance we had in June, but apparently we can't use those cards because the group numbers and ID numbers and whatnot have changed since it's through COBRA*).

So, here we are still waiting, out this money that we SO don't have right now, and it's the worst timing for me to have surgery (tomorrow!) with two weddings on the way, bachelorette party, birthday parties, 2 wedding showers, and not to mention taking care of my almost-14-month old active little boy - all while my husband and I just quit our jobs (isn't that always how it works out!)! Now, all that stress I can handle and break down into manageable pieces. But, it's the money that's really got me peeved. I know we'll get a lot of it back from the insurance company, and hey, we met our deductible already through all this shenanigans! But, what really ticks me off is the amount of money these people are making!

Here's where the soapbox ranting begins. Let's JUST look at the $3800 going to the surgery center. Could someone tell me where that money goes? It's not to the doctors. Those are separate payments if you recall. I mean, I expect that my surgery costs help pay nurses, building maintenance fees, utility fees, etc, but $3800?? That's a lot of hundreds! 38 of them! Really? We only pay slightly more than that to school taxes in our area... and I KNOW where that money goes. It really does cost that much to run a district - paper, supplies, salaries, building upkeep, textbooks, equipment, library materials, desks, chairs, etc. I get that. But one surgery taking that much money?? I don't get it.

Let's look at the $1660-something I paid the doctor for a 20-30 minute procedure. Hell, as a school counselor, I earned that in two weeks - not 20 minutes. Is that really necessary? And, why the discount? Because I was paying in full right then? Because I didn't have insurance? Why the discount? Don't get me wrong... I am happy to pay less than full price, but if there is such a thing as less, then all the office staff is telling me is that the doctor they work for is willing to take less money in the beginning anyway. No... I know that's not right. I have enough medical system knowledge to know that the insurance companies are the ones screwing the doctors, so they have to charge more just to make up for the costs they lose to them. My dad and my brother would tell me that the discount was because they don't have the extra cost of working with an insurance agency, so they CAN charge me less. I get that, too.

I just don't understand this damn health system we have here. Other countries have found a way to make healthcare free or at least more accessible to all. If politicians would stop giving a $h#t about money, lobbyists, and big business, then maybe the American people would get the care, medicine, and respect that they deserve. Sam and I talked about this on the way home from my pre-op appointment today. As we passed a library, I vented to Sam about how we have figured out a way to make libraries free for all citizens. Maintaining a library is not cheap! Buying materials, paying employees, keeping the building cooled/heated, safe, and maintained, updating materials, repairing books, offering programs, etc - we've managed to make this free! How have we NOT managed to do that for our health care?

It's all about what we as Americans value. We "value" education, so it's free. Yet, our teachers make crap money. We say we "value" our health, but we complain about how much doctors make. We have some of the best doctors in the world here in America. Why then can so many people not afford to go to them? There's something so wrong here. In total, the amount of money I'm spending on my damn knee is over 2 months worth of what I'd be getting as a school counselor - and way more than most of my colleagues would earn after two months of hard, unending hours at school.

I'm always an advocate for paying teachers more. But, that's not what I'm saying here. I'm saying our health care system is ill and needs a good fix soon! Sam said that the politicians want the American people to believe that anything other than privately funded health care is evil. Well, I think what is evil is allowing millions of Americans to go without health care because they can't afford insurance, can't afford medical care, or both. What is evil is letting injured, ill, and/or dying people continue to be in that state because we can't let insurance companies suffer, we can't lower costs of care, or we aren't willing to examine how other countries provide care to their citizens for FREE! Tax me more. That's freakin' fine with me. Just figure out a way to make great care affordable.

Tomorrow, when I check in to have my surgery, I'll be grateful that I have a knowledgeable medical team, and hopefully caring nurses, to give me the best treatment. But, there's a part of me that wants to ask whoever I write that check to: Where is this money going?

Oh, and literally as I finish writing this... Sam just walked in with the mail. Included: our insurance cards.

(*Update: since the first draft of this post was written, we've learned that the insurance policy and member numbers are the same we had when Sam was at his previous firm... therefore, we could have already provided this information for all medical expenses we incurred. I'm frustrated about the timing of this, yet I'm glad my eyes are officially opened wider to the shananigans that is our awful system here in America!)

The Dance

This morning, after Banner's first nap, I shared a moment I wanted to document. I know I will remember it forever, but because I know it IS one of those kinds of moments, I don't just want to remember it, I want to write about it on the actual day it happened because I want to savor it and cherish it and live it up:

As I went to change Banner's diaper, he took my cell phone in his hands. Rather than fight with him about it, I decided to let him hold it while I changed him. Sometimes, even in the locked position, the iTunes app allows you to play music by pressing the arrow when the "slide to unlock" screen pops up. Banner managed to hit play, and one song ended as I finished changing his diaper. The next song to play was "These are the Days" by Van Morrison.

You have to understand that this particular song is a very significant song for me. First, it is the song that reminds me of my last summer in Austin; that particular summer was an important one for Sam and me.

"These are the days of the endless summer..." 

This song is also the song that should have been our "spotlight" song at our wedding - the final song we danced to that night with only our parents watching us dance as everyone else prepared for our departure. Unfortunately, I forgot to give it to the band as they were winding down, so instead, we danced to our first dance song again. Sam knew I was really upset about that, so when we got to our suite that night, before I took my gown off, he had prepared his laptop to play our song for one final dance alone in our hotel room. So, I teared up dancing to that song in the last dance I would share with Sam as his new bride in my gown on that wedding day.  

"These are the days, the time is now. There is no past, there is only future, there's only here, there's only now."

Later, we would include this same song on the lullaby mix we made for our new baby to play at the hospital. And, the night we brought Banner home, the three of us danced to this song in our bedroom. I was pretty emotional then, and I still get that way thinking back to my family rocking together in the dim-lit room at midnight. 

"Oh your smiling face, your gracious presence. The fires of spring are kindling bright. Oh the radiant heart and the song of glory, crying freedom in the night."

This song has been on each anniversary video I've made for Sam, and it was installed as the background music on my jewelry box my sister gave me for my first Mother's Day. 

"These are days of the endless dancing and the long walks on the summer night. These are the days of the true romancing when I’m holding you oh, so tight."

So, given the importance and significance of this song, you can understand that I took advantage of Banner playing that song as I began to sway with him in his nursery. It occurred to me as we rocked together that because this song is so meaningful to our family, perhaps it is the song that maybe I'd dance with Banner when he's grown - maybe at his Bar Mitzvah or at his wedding. As I stroked his hair and held him cheek-to-cheek, tears began to flow down my face. My boy looked at me and said, "Mama...Mama." I smiled. We continued to dance. He mostly looked at my cell phone and tried to continue pressing things that didn't unlock the phone. I mostly just teared up. I wanted to savor every second with him while memorizing his features. I thought of his wedding day and how I will be there (God-willing!) to embrace my son on his happiest day remembering THIS moment. I wanted to remember holding him close to me on my hip, running my hands through his hair, the look in his eyes, the chubbiness of his hands on my phone and then on my arms, his diaper secured around his waist with only a navy, American-flag t-shirt on. As our foreheads touched and we just loved each other, tears ran down my cheeks and on to Banner's arm. He looked at me with a puzzled look trying to figure out what was happening to my eyes. He smirked a bit, and then went back to playing with my phone. I then saw our reflection in a picture frame, and that, too, is a sight I hope to never erase from my memory. I stared at our silhouettes outlined in the glass. I thought of how that image will change through the years, and I wanted to savor my young reflection cuddled close to my one-year-old baby in my arms.

As the song came to an end, I told Banner how much I loved him. I kissed him yet again, and we went about our day. It was a small moment in time that will remain in my mind in a big way! Even though I hope to have many more dances like this with my beautiful boy, with his father, and with any future siblings, I will savor this memory and that couple of minutes. A favorite new memory made today - just after changing a diaper. You never know when those moments are going to pop up. I'm just so glad it did.

"These are the days now that we must savor
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You’ve got to hold them in your heart."

Color, Curiousity, and Cool Whip

Just trying out some sweet painting and sensory play:

In the Days of the Record Player

Dear Banner,
I often write letters to you telling you about yourself at various stages of your development. Each month, I tell you how you are doing, what observations Daddy and I have made about you, and what advances you have made. But, today, for whatever reason, I want to write a letter to you about what MY life was like when I was growing up. While there are plenty of things I could tell you (like what it's like to have an older brother and a younger sister, what it's like to have parents who divorced when I was only 4, what my school days were like, what accidents and emergencies I've encountered, my friendships, my camp days, etc), I want to specifically write about what life was like as a kid in the 80s. Perhaps it's because Daddy is having an 80s themed birthday party in a couple weeks, perhaps it's because I recently listened to a whole bunch of 80s music, or maybe it's just because the 80s were my childhood and the days when life just seemed a whole lot easier and safer - whatever the reason, I thought you should know how totally different things are in this new century.

When I was your age, we didn't have cell phones, satellite radio, a gazillion channels on TV, Facebook, blogs, Twitter, or CD players even. We didn't have games like Wii or X-box. It seems like maybe Mommy and Daddy were deprived or something when you look at all the electronics and the technology available to kids these days. But, that isn't so. I loved being a kid. Here are some things I'd like you to know about from the days when Mommy was very young:

-We listened to music on the radio. We played cassette tapes, and we listened to vinyl records on a record player. Yes, sometimes, if you weren't careful, the needle which ran along the record would scratch the record, but the songs sounded great on those players. You couldn't just buy the songs you liked on a computer, either. You had to purchase them at a music store like Sound Warehouse, one of our favorite stores growing up. There you could buy your cassette or record, or later a CD. You could listen to your tapes on a jam box or a Walkman.

-We didn't have as many toys that talked to us or did the playing FOR us. We were creative and imaginative. We used tennis rackets for guitars and hairbrushes for microphones. We played with Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, Teddy Ruxpin, Cabbage Patch Kids, Strawberry Shortcake, G.I. Joe, and My Little Ponies. We loved Glow Worms, Popples, and Care Bears. We roller skated outside, pulled wagons, jumped on Pogo Balls, rode real tricycles, jumped rope (or Skip-Its), and spun on sit 'n spins. The toys that did talk to us were robotic sounding like on the Speak & Spell and Smart Starts. We played with Rubik's Cubes, Lite Brite, Viewmasters, Simon, Frogger, PacMan, and Shrinky Dinks. We traded Garbage Pail kids and collected Madballs.We made cakes in an Easy Bake Oven, played Atari with a real joystick, collected Micro Machines and Sweet Secrets, and looked forward to playing Oregon Trail at school on computer days. I wasn't much of a Barbie kind of girl, but I did have my share of favorite dolls including the Hugga Bunch doll I took into surgery with me for a hernia repair at 6 years old. Later that night, my dad brought me a My Child doll, a soft doll with felt skin, beautiful eyes, and dark hair like me. I had a Cabbage Patch doll named Agnes, and I had a life-size doll named Jason when I was very young.

-As a young girl, I wore jelly shoes, slap bracelets, stirrup pants, pegged jeans, and jelly bracelets, collected charms for my plastic charm bracelet, wore my ponytail on the side, and occasionally wore banana clips. I may have owned a couple pairs of high tops, too.

-Our heroes were Punky Brewster, the Jems, Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, Alex P. Keaton, the Incredible Hulk, Ghostbusters, He-Man and She-Ra, and Daddy would tell you MacGyver was one of his heroes.

-When you wanted to talk so someone, you called them. You had to actually know their phone number and dial it. If they weren't home, you left a message on an answering machine. If you wanted to invite them to a party or send them something, you mailed it - with a stamp, which only cost about 20 cents or so. We didn't email or scan things. And, there was no such thing as "texting." We passed notes in school, folded on notebook paper in intricate, fun ways. We actually hand wrote these, just like our homework that was turned in on notebook paper or worksheets - not emailed to a teacher or posted on a virtual wall somewhere.

-We watched movies like Harry & the Hendersons, Dirty Dancing, The Goonies, Annie, ET, Short Circuit, The Karate Kid, Superman, Mr. Mom, Gremlins, Police Academy, Grease, Splash, Footloose, Back to the Future, Big, and The Golden Child on VHS tapes on a VCR. We would actually rent movies at a Blockbuster or the grocery store, and you would obey the reminder to "Be Kind, Rewind."

-We watched awesome TV. Shows were original and unique and family friendly. Shows taught family values. In our house, we loved The Cosby Show every Thursday night (those were Mr. Gatti's pizza nights, too!), Full House, Family Matters, Family Ties, Charles in Charge, Diff'rent Strokes, Who's the Boss, Mr. Belvedere, ALF, Growing Pains, Out of This World, Bosom Buddies, and Head of the Class. Oh, and what I wouldn't give to see a Punky Brewster show again! I also liked Small Wonder, Silver Spoons, and Saved by the Bell. Other popular shows that I enjoyed were Wonder Years, Doogie Howser, The Golden Girls, Night Court, My Two Dads, and Cheers. I know from this list it looks like maybe all we did was watch TV, but that is far from the truth. There were just a lot of great 30 minute shows, and over a span of so many years, we watched some great television. Oh, and I should mention that remote controls were also new, so it wasn't uncommon to still see televisions with knobs and dials. In fact, we had those in the early days, and I especially remember them at my Grandma & Papa and at my Granny & Grandpa's houses. You used to have to actually get off your rear to change the channel. At my house, we only had a few channels anyway, so that wasn't much of a problem. We had channel 2, 4, 5, 8, 11, 13, 21, 27, 33, and 39 (and 52 was Spanish). That was it!

-Photos were actually developed back in the 80s. We bought film, took a few pictures, hoped they were good, and dropped them off at a Kodak or Fox photo booth or store. A few days later, you picked up your pictures, with negatives that accompanied the package of pictures. Some of them were okay, some of them were great, some of them were awful, but you had to buy the whole roll of film. I remember loving that I got a camera and film all to myself when I'd go away to camp each summer. I took pictures of everything, and most of my pictures were awful. But, I loved dropping off the rolls of film at the store after each summer and getting to relive my camp time from those pictures - once developed. It wasn't like today where you can see your picture and decide if you want to delete it or not. The only option we had that was even remotely as quick as that was the Polaroid camera which spit out a picture right away, but you had to wait for it to slowly reveal an image a few minutes after you snapped the flashy camera. (Speaking of "flash," we actually had to buy light bulbs for the flash!)

-It was a safer time then. I know people were assassinated and awful, terrible things happened then, too. But, it was nothing compared to the scary times you live in. I'm sad that you won't grow up in a time where you can go to school and not worry about kids bringing weapons to school, where metal detectors aren't everywhere, where airports and movie theaters aren't as anxiety-provoking as they are now. We used to play outside with the kids next door or across the street without parents lurking or worrying. Our parents didn't worry about identify theft or stolen passwords. People didn't use online banking or debit cards, either. I will say, though, that the advances in technology have helped your generation when tragedy does strike. For example, there was no such thing as an "Amber Alert" when a child was abducted in the 80s. Instead, bulletins were posted, it was mentioned on the evening news (which didn't have tickers and scrolls at the bottom distracting you from what the newscaster was saying), and pictures of missing children were posted on milk cartons.

-When you wanted to know how to get somewhere, you used a map. There was no such thing as GPS to locate where you were and tell you step-by-step how to locate your destination. You either pulled over and asked for directions, or you used a Mapsco. Other things used in the 80s (not so much used nowadays): typewriters, carbon copy paper, pagers, wires!

-Speaking of online, 30 years ago, we didn't even have a computer in the house. It was a big event at our house when we got our first computer, an Apple IIGS. I thought we were so lucky to have a printer, too, which printed out on paper with seams and fed through the printer with holed-edges we would have to tear off once finished printing. I loved using The Print Shop software to make banners to hang around the house for holidays. It would take FOREVER to print, and it was a loud machine, but we loved it. We played games on that Apple, too - games like Arkanoid and Tetris, and those were on true floppy disks!

-We sang some great songs back then, too. Madonna, Michael Jackson, Kool & the Gang, Stevie Wonder, Cyndi Lauper, Bryan Adams, The Bangles, Whitney Houston, George Michael, Debbie Gibson, Chicago, New Kids on the Block, Billy Joel, Richard Marx, Paula Abdul, the Pointer Sisters, . . . so many amazing singers. And, I cannot forget to mention Lionel Richie because, well, to this day, Uncle Brock and I can still have a mean competition of who can name the most Lionel Richie songs. :) Great music, with a good beat that I still love to listen to now. Kids my age knew the "Thriller" dance, the lyrics to "We Are the World," and how to "Walk Like an Egyptian,"do the Roger Rabbit, or break dance all over the floor.

I know you could easily "Google" the 80s one day or do your own research about the times when Mommy & Daddy were little (again, something we couldn't have done in our childhood... we'd have to go to a library and use a card catalog or consult a real encyclopedia). And, I hope one day you really are interested in knowing more about our generation. But, I thought I should tell you a little about it from my perspective and what we liked at my house. I wonder what your generation will reflect on and miss about being a kid. I hope your generation can make the world safer. I hope you'll look back at your young years and recognize how far we (as a society) have come in science, medicine, technology, and politics. But, I also hope you will look back at your childhood with as much passion and joy as I do of mine.

Love,
Mommy

Growing Up

I recently read a blog post over at Scary Mommy's website. She had a guest blogger who wrote a post called, "How to Act Like A Grownup." She begins:

"Do you consider yourself grown up?
I don’t, not really. Yeah, I’ve got a husband, two kids, a dog and a house. But deep down, I still feel like a kid."

I read this beginning and completely identified with her. Rarely do I ever feel old enough or mature enough to have a house, a husband, a graduate degree, a KID for crying out loud! But, I do. And, I'm beyond grateful for these blessings. But, I still just feel like a kid myself. Sometimes I have to pinch myself as a reminder that I am a mommy, a wife, a homemaker. I'm not the 17 year old I once was who could sleep in, drive with blaring music and the windows down on a summer night, who could depend on Mom or Dad to pay that bill or make that appointment for me, etc. I miss those days!

The blog post continues with a discussion of how we have to grow up and take care of our responsibilities, that if we could just stay on top of the laundry, the dishes, the clutter, the chores - that we would be much happier and better parents. The author says we just need to actually become those responsible people we dreaded becoming when we were younger.

Now, while I have always understood this and know this to be true already, this is not where I feel the pangs of growing up. Of course I don't like to do any of these chores. I hate having to be responsible, but I also know that there's no way around it. This was not some epiphany for me, like it seems to be for the author of the above-mentioned post.

But, what I HAVE discovered is that taking responsibility and "growing up," means sucking it up when it comes to putting my needs and wants WAY behind Banner's. I had this epiphany at the zoo last weekend when I was soaking wet with sweat and had to change Banner in the small restroom while managing my camera dangling from my neck, the diaper bag hanging on my shoulder, the twisting, turning toddler on the pull-down changing table, the wet swimsuit sticking to Banner's body, and my composure which was hanging by a thread. You have to understand that I absolutely HATE being hot and/or sweaty. Hate it. Sam once learned the hard way as he put his arm around me in the early days of dating... he nearly ended up in the water when I shoved him from the Riverwalk pathway. (Oh, and my whole family was with us to witness it. Sorry, Sam!) But, I digress. Anyway, the point is, after reading this post on Scary Mommy, I guess it was fresh on my mind about being a "grown up." And, it was at that moment in the bathroom that I realized what being a grown up, or maybe being a parent meant to me.

There are numerous times a day when I have to say to myself, "Amber, get over it. Move on. Suck it up. You're a parent now, and this is what it means." I think this when I can't sleep in anymore; when I have to get Banner in and out of his freaking car seat in the 100+ degree weather while I'm schvitzing in the heat; when I make dinner and Banner doesn't eat it but I have to be calm and think of something else he'll try; or months ago when Banner would nap in my bed with me and I couldn't move for fear of waking him. I think this when Banner wakes up in the middle of the night crying; when he splatters food all over the floor; when I can't participate in conversation because I'm chasing my boy all over a non-babyproofed home; when I can't finish doing anything because Banner's up from his nap.

Don't get me wrong. Parenting is not all horrible. Not even close. I know it sounds like I'm being negative about it. I'm not. I'm being realistic. It's hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either doing it wrong or they're lying. I'm just admitting to the growing pains I've felt becoming a new kind of adult, a grown up with a child. This is what it means so many times a day - forgetting about what I really want (like taking a long shower with the shower door actually closed, like eating a meal slowly while not concentrating on cutting up someone else's meal, like leaving the house without thinking of every.single.thing I need to take with me to ensure I'm fully prepared for any kind of meltdown, accident, or incident, like enjoying a late dinner and NOT worrying about how late bedtime is going to be, like resting or relaxing when I'm not feeling well or am in pain, like pooping in private (yes, I said it), like eating something and not having to share it or explain why I can't) so that I can do what's best for Banner. There's no such thing as a quick errand, a restful night, a loud, blaring singing-session in the car, a worry-free night out. Those things just don't exist anymore since I became a parent.


So, growing up has been taken to a whole new level. It's not only about getting the sheets changed or the laundry put away. It's about doing so much more and getting so little appreciation. It's about giving up so much more and getting so little recognition. Yet, go figure... even though so much of it all sucks - this growing up thing - this parenting thing is totally cracked up to be what it is. I mean, if it weren't, who would do it? I've become a grown up, and sometimes that really sucks. I'm not 17 anymore - even if I feel like it or want to be. There are so many times when I'm giving myself that pep talk to "just grow up, move on" when I realize I have no choice, that I'm the only one who can do this (change a diaper, cook a meal, calm my baby, put him in his car seat, etc.). And then, I realize I wouldn't want anyone else in my place. I WANT to be the one doing these things. The pay off, the reward is like no other in the world. Watching this little baby grow to learn, to become a part of his family, to make friends and to make discoveries about his world, to give me kisses and hugs, to hold his daddy's hand, to be funny and silly and entertaining, to be happy and healthy - there's really nothing like it. And, for that, I'm beyond grateful and lucky to call myself a responsible grown-up.

The "Zzzzoo"

This morning, Sam and I took Banner to the zoo for the first time. To say it was great would be an understatement. We had a blast, and Banner seemed to be taking it all in. I was a bit worried about how a trip to the zoo (which is 30+ minutes from our house) would go given Banner would have to miss a nap. We opted for him to miss his morning nap; it would be cooler, and we could just get up and go. He woke up at 7:15, and since the zoo doesn't open until 9:00, we had a little time to finish making lunches, get ready and packed up, and head out the door. Somehow, though, we ended up leaving the house around 9:00 - much later than anticipated. I was hoping Banner might fall asleep on the way there for a short catnap, but no luck.

When we got there, Banner was intrigued by all the animals. The first animals he saw were the penguins, and his face in this first picture (below) describes his curiosity throughout the day. We loved showing him the animals - at times having to point them out to him - and then signing to him the animal we were looking at. His favorite part, though, was when we'd let him out of the stroller and let him explore on his own. He'd get quite talkative and squealy during these times and would liven up a lot! Interested in the animals when he was out of the stroller? Not so much. He was more preoccupied with studying the ground, the Velcro on his shoes, walking circles around and around the zoo map which he placed on the ground near his feet, and trying to pick up things to put in his mouth. He also really enjoyed the Children's Zoo area, particularly the stream of water we let him splash around in (although he tried numerous times to drink the water; he may have succeeded once or twice). By then, we knew it was time for lunch, so we enjoyed some air conditioning at the food court and ate the yummy lunch I had packed prior to leaving (see photos below).

About ten minutes after we put Banner in the car, he passed out! He hasn't slept in the car in many, many months. I'm glad to know he still can/will if he's tired enough. Unfortunately, he woke up as we pulled into the garage, and now he's been in his crib for an hour talking and playing. No good nap today, I guess! (And THAT really bothers me. But, we'll see how the rest of the evening/night/tomorrow goes! EEK!)

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the reason I titled this post The "Zzzzoo." In the middle of our visit, Banner turned to Sam (who was carrying B at the time) and said, "zzzzoo." We were a bit shocked but kept repeating it back to him, and he kept repeating it back to us. Even when we got home hours later, he kept saying "zzzzo" or "zahh" or "zoo" as I got him ready for his nap play time in his crib.

Enjoy some pictures below! And a big thank you to Mom, Bob, Brock, Mischelle, Kira, Erick, Caden, Mara, and Brycen for our zoo membership! We had a great time!

Curiosity and Intrigue at this new place!

Penguins!

Seeing his first real elephant with Daddy

"Look!"

Watching the elephants

Loved the Sahara!

Can't get over these eyelashes!

Banner feeding the giraffe some lettuce

Mommy & Banner - hard to get B's attention

Too much going on to get eyes towards the camera

The gorilla looks overwhelmed. Banner says, "Oy oy oy oy oy oy!"

Chillin' out!

Banner waves to the gorilla

Loving walking around!

"I think I'll just sit right here!"

Monkeys!

"It's okay. They're not real."

Banner & Daddy in the dark

Love!

This one's for Zaide!

Sam's stance as he is trying not to get frustrated with Banner's obsession with the gravel (and not the fish).

Play time!

Lunches by Mommy

 

The lunches were my attempt at a bit of creativity. Sam and I had the "ZOO" sandwiches which were made of peanut butter (and one had honey on it - my favorite!). Other than that, we each had a bit of everything (and I packed a lot since you just never know what kind of foods Banner will eat or not these picky days). On this day, he ate a few bites of banana, a few bites of his tortilla/cheese animal sandwiches, a slice of orange, a few blueberries, a couple peas, and more than enough goldfish and animal crackers. He also tried a few bites of my "Zoochini" flowers but turned them down - a huge surprise, as he normally LOVES zucchini. I had fun making this random assortment lunch. My favorite is the animal print cupcake liners. (I turned them inside out so we could enjoy the design more while celebrating Banner's first zoo experience.) I say overall it was a great day. Can't wait to go back for more, especially as Banner becomes more knowledgeable and interested in all the animals, their noises, their signs, their habitats. Oh, and can't wait to hear my sweet boy continue to keep saying ZZZOOO!

A few more notes on 13....

I know, enough about Banner... but, this is going to be "published" some day, and I want to make sure I say everything I want to say and not forget a thing! So, with that, I have a few more things to add to his 13 month post. All of this could really be added to any of the monthly updates before now, but it occurred to me, as Banner and I watched the rain together from the back screen door, that I haven't ever really written about a few things. I could wait until his 14 month post, but I don't want to. I want to tell about these things NOW because I can't believe I've never written about them.

-Banner has exceptional hearing. He hears every small noise. My sisters-in-law have often noted this, too. He is curious about every sound he hears and will let you know that he heard something by quickly reacting to any number of noises. He could be rooms away and hear the refrigerator open and come dashing into the kitchen, for example. This is perhaps why we have to be really quiet in my house during nap and bedtime.

-Which brings me to my next point, Banner is a very, very light sleeper. My cousin (whose son is only two weeks older than Banner) once told me that they change her son's diaper before they go to bed each night - while he sleeps. Um, what? The thought of this made me anxious as I pictured it it my mind. Forget touching Banner while he's sleeping or trying to maneuver his pajamas off of him to expose his goods to the cold air! Hell, turning the (quiet) knob of Banner's door to his bedroom would cause him to wake up! It amazes me that some kids could sleep through that. I wish Banner was a more sound sleeper. Even at nap time, if you walk by his bedroom door at the wrong time, he'll wake up. If you shut the backdoor too quickly or loudly, the suction of air that causes Banner's door to rattle even the tiniest bit will wake him up. In fact, on the days that Sam has to leave before Banner is awake, within moments after Sam shuts the door, Banner is suddenly awake. Like I said before, not only is he a light sleeper, he hears EVERYTHING! (Oh, and this is despite the fact that we did everything we could early on to make noise when he slept! He was great early on. Things change.)

-He pays great attention to detail. Banner notices the tiniest of things. Like at his 12 month photo shoot, he was standing on a log cabin porch, and he bent down to touch the nails in the wood. He tried very hard to pick it up, and then when he realized it doesn't move, he moved on to trying to pick up the tiny rocks in between the wooden slats. (We were doing our damnedest to get his attention and get him to look at the camera, too!) I will sweep and vacuum this whole house, and no matter how good I do it, Banner is sure to find the one morsel of thread, rock, grass, rice, lint, crumb, etc that I missed or didn't see. Today, he found the ittiest bit of paper (or cotton?) under the couch. He used his annoyingly-good pincer grasp to get it between his thumb and forefinger to hand it to me. (Usually he will hand whatever he finds to me and as I reach for it, he will put it in his mouth, so I have to be ready to grab it before he psychs me out!) If I'm not watching 100% of the time, he will easily find the most seemingly microscopic ANYTHING and put it in his mouth. . .

-and because of his sensitivity to certain textures, he will inevitably spit it out, especially after exploring it for a few minutes with his tongue. I can't blame him on this incredible sensitive mouth. He gets it from me. Sam has always thought I was weird when it came to being able to feel a strawberry seed or a blueberry seed sitting on my tongue. I will manipulate it out of my mouth, just like Banner can. In fact, I hate vanilla bean ice cream because I can feel the itty-bitty beans, and it bugs the crap outta me! So, my boy gets that from me. I will see him trying to maneuver whatever he doesn't like out of his mouth and wait for him to spit it out. Although I don't know how many things he's actually swallowed, I'm usually pretty calm when he does put something inedible in his mouth because inevitably he will not like the texture and spit it out. He's done this with grass, thread, and even a bug this morning! Lovely.

-Banner is a fast learner, is extremely curious, is highly alert, and has his mommy's memory. He's always been alert - since day one! He always wants to know what we are doing. He can't stay still on the changing table - never has since he could roll. Cooking while Banner is in the kitchen is a nightmare, because he wants to see everything. Opening the fridge has become some kind of Olympic sport - figuring out how fast you can get in and out of there without him interfering. He's a keen observer and will imitate what we do. (I'm sure this is true for most toddlers!) He notices when something's different (like Mommy wearing a band-aid or wearing glasses). He is determined and won't give up easily - although he gets frustrated when he can't do something he wants to do (like reach a ball under the couch). Yesterday, Sam and I watched him try to figure out how to get behind the big arm chair near the fireplace when the first attempt failed. And, like I said before, he is very detail-oriented. He has mastered turning toys on and off by himself, taking the back of the remote control off, and opening the child-proof locks on drawers and cabinets (yeah, those were a big help, huh?!).

-Banner's got a pretty laid-back personality, and he's usually pretty happy-go-lucky. I definitely see some limit-testing and boundary-breaking heading our way, but I know that's normal for this age. I hear that one is the "new two" so I'm preparing (not ready, though) for the tantrums and mood swings that are sure to greet us soon.  He seems pretty social, which is a good sign given the other items on this list so far! (I always worry about Autism/Asperger's just because I have seen way too many cases at work. When I wrote about the sensitivities above, I don't mean that he's upset or bothered by textures or noises - just keenly observant of them.)  He likes his play group friends and interacts with them (as much as a 13-month-old can) appropriately. He watches other children, seems interested in them, and sometimes tries to "talk" to them. I can't wait for him to develop true friendships with other little kids. He's such a silly, funny, neat little boy. I certainly want to be friends with him! :)

Okay, that's enough. Just had to get that out. Sorry for the double blog post at the 13-month mark! I promise I won't do anything like this again - at least not til next month! :)

Our 13-Month-Old

Dear Banner,
As the mother of a young infant, I couldn't wait until you were 12 months old! I remember in the very early days feeling like those days of having you as a one-year-old were SO far from my reach. Having a 12 month old seemed like the ultimate goal for me because I knew I'd know you better by then. I knew you'd be walking or about to walk. I knew you'd be attempting words. I knew the SIDS risk significantly decreased at 12 months - definitely something that would make me rest maybe a tiny bit better at night (you know me... I will always, always worry about you!). I knew it meant that I had been through every season, every month, every day of a whole year with you in my life. And, I couldn't wait for that! But now that 12 months have come (and gone), I'm ready for time to slow down just a bit. Just like every other "night before you turn a new month older," as I said my final goodnights last night, tears streamed down my face as I remembered you as my newborn baby. As much as I love you and love how much we know each other now, I miss my tiny boy who loved skin-to-skin, who would wrap his itty-bitty fingers around just one of mine, who worked so hard to hold his head up even in those first few days of life! You are such a curious little boy - always have been! - so I'm delighted to see you grow and learn. But, just don't be in such a rush! Mommy wants to embrace all of these days we have with you so little.

So, what are you up to these days? Well, this past month has been busy, fast, and full of amazing new skills!

-Perhaps the biggest change has been an explosion of the language center in your brain! You are very aware that objects have names, that words have meanings, and that sounds create these words. Not only can you repeat lots of sounds after us (you're especially good at /a/, /b/, /w/, /g/, /m/, and /d/), you are getting pretty awesome at trying to copy our words. For instance, a few days ago, you surprised us by trying out "waffle" which sounds like "wah-wah," "cracker" which sounds like "cackah," "bubble" which sounds like "bubba," "bagel" which sounds like "gagel," and "cupcake" which sounds like "cuh-cak." You also have attempted "dangerous," "danger," "yucky," "dirty," and you typically attempt "Thank You" when you know WE would say that to you (like when Daddy asks you to push the button to open the garage door). You say "Wow!" and "Whoa!" all the time, and when you like a food, you always say, "Mmmm!". You say "Dada" or "Dadu" for Daddy, "Mama" for me, "baba" or "bah-ul" for bottle, and "naNAna" for banana. You also say "haa" for "hot," as you wave your hand up and down - a sign you created on your own. Speaking of signing, you  are signing "more" and "finished" without prompts now. Aside: For a good solid week, you were having some night-wakings again, which Daddy and I hate because we never know why it keeps happening. You are easily soothed by us, and you put yourself back to sleep once we have held you for a few minutes and then cry yourself back to sleep after we leave your room, but that only lasts 1-2 minutes. This also happened right before you learned to walk, so we think maybe your brain was on overload trying to figure out the language thing that week and sleeping well was not on your agenda.

-Along those same lines, your receptive language has improved drastically, too! You understand simple commands like, "Can you hand me that red ball, please?" or "Banner, go get your water." You follow directions when we point to something, and you know the meaning of so many words ("nap," "light," "change diaper," "paci," "crib," "ball," "water," "bottle," "dinner," "snack," "lunch," "oatmeal," "Cheerios," "more," "all done," "shower," "bath," "kitchen," "outside," "dog," "horsey," "phone," "mail," "bubble," "mouth," "eyes," "hair").

-Your favorite book right now is Baby Animals where we read the names of animals and make their sounds. You can say "Bah" for sheep, and if we roar first, you will roar like a lion.  You also like your Curious George counting book and will look for George on each page. When I ask you, "Where is George?" you can find him and point to him.  I LOVE this!

-This month, we added whole milk, strawberries, raspberries, cauliflower, and raisins to your diet. (In addition to the cake you had at your birthday party and on the 4th of July.) You still love fruits and veggies, and I hope you continue to! You love breads/tortillas/bagels/crackers, cheeses, and beef. I tried to give you eggs on three different occasions, and you tossed it each time - but I'll keep trying. Chicken is still "hit-or-miss" with you, but I'm not giving up because I make that the most. I'd like to introduce fish soon, too, although I'm not a fish eater, so I'm not sure how to even prepare it! You did not like cottage cheese, and lately, green beans are spit out after you eat the actual beans inside.

-You blow on food that is hot (and a lot of times, food that is not hot)!

-You love the whole milk we introduced after your 12-month check-up, but getting enough ounces in you each day is tricky if we use the sippy cup. So, you still take 3 bottles a day (6-7 ounces in the morning, 4-5 ounces after one nap, and 7-8 ounces before bed). You are also drinking a lot of water (only in a sippy cup) which keeps you hydrated and less constipated. :) You're welcome!

-You probably really need the bottle still. You are not ready to give up that "sucking" time. And, I've decided I'm not in any hurry for you to give it up. You are still very young, and I'm okay with a bottle still (even if your doctor isn't). We'll wean eventually... I have no doubt that you will start Kindergarten bottle-free! Speaking of sucking, you also use your paci but it is not allowed to leave your room. You have them (yes, all 4) in your crib and on your changing table, but that's it. Again, I'm okay with this and know you won't go to college with pacis!

-Physically, you are still strong as ever! You are now CLIMBING! Mostly, you climb up on the fireplace hearth, but you also climb on couches, stairs, and tables. It won't be long before those little legs are helping you hoist yourself up onto any other number of dangerous places. . . . giving Mommy small heart attacks!

-You are getting better at letting me brush your teeth!

-Since Daddy works at home now, you are pretty confused! He's here in the house with us, but he can't play with you! He often will come out of his "office" for a restroom break, for a cup of coffee, or maybe to have lunch with you. But, when he goes back to his room, you are pretty pissed about it. I wish I could explain it to you, but usually a good distraction helps ease your disappointment. This whole new arrangement is significantly different than a couple months ago! Mommy now stays at home? Daddy works in the room next to yours? We aren't rushing to get to Grandma's every weekday? What is going on? I'm sure you are a bit baffled, but this will become our new norm, and then when Daddy gets his own real office, we'll miss him terribly! It is nice having him give you breakfast or help cook dinner, right? And, most days he gets you up from at least one nap.  I know I, for one, am loving that he's here and soaking up this special time together!

-You love going outside, even in this awful heat! You love playing in water, swimming, and riding your new tricycle! You often "ask" for the back door to be open so you can look outside. Sometimes you want to go out, but it's just too hot and you get upset. We try to go outside at least once to play, though.

-You celebrated another Father's Day with Daddy, my 32nd birthday, and Independence Day!

-You love dancing to any music, and you often look at me right away for a response or a reaction of some kind. I usually start bouncing right along with you, which puts a huge smile on your face! You just love music!!

-You are still wearing size 4 diapers, and we put you in size 5 Overnights at night. You mostly wear 12 month clothing, but some outfits are 18 months.

-You had your first busted lip this month. You had a sippy cup in your mouth as you were walking to Aunt Kira's room. Theo jumped over you but missed a bit, and you were on the ground and crying within seconds. The straw from the cup cut your bottom lip, bruised the area above your top lip, and caused a small bloody nose, too. It was scary for both of us, but you healed within a couple days. You also had quite a reaction to something that bit your foot. Your foot swelled up, turned red, and got hot. You didn't seem to mind it at all, which is the only reason I was calmer about it than I normally would have been, and the only reason we never took you to the doctor (we called, but never took you in).

-You're starting to run. Yes, run. Ohhhh, Crap.

Big changes, huh?! Well, I think so! You have Daddy and me wrapped around your finger, running in circles, chasing after you, constantly amazed, and at your mercy! We just love you, Sweet Boy! 12 months has gone, and now you are my big 13 month old! I hope you had a great first birthday month. I hope you know how loved you are! I hope you keep learning and growing and developing, but I hope time will slow down just a bit. I know you aren't slowing down any time soon - just be careful, Love. You mean more to me than you could ever know, and all this going, moving, climbing, running is awesome yet terrifying at the same time. This past month brought lots of new skills and new insight. I can't wait to see what this month will bring! I love you, my Angel. Happy 13 Months!!

Love,
Mommy

Happy Birthday, America!

July 4th is Sam's favorite holiday, and it's quickly becoming one of mine, too. Sam loves it because he's so patriotic and loves any chance to celebrate this great country of ours. I like it for that reason, of course, but I LOVE how Americans around the country come together in their communities to watch fireworks. I love the food, the vibrant colors of our flag being presented everywhere, and just hanging out with friends and family in the evening heat. (I could do without the heat throughout the day, but it does feel nice as the sun sets and you're bathed in this glorious warmth.) I love watching the fireworks and recognizing just how lucky we are to have the freedoms we do. So, as this holiday approached, I felt myself really getting into the spirit and looking forward to having fun things to do with Banner this year. (Last year he wasn't even a month old, but I do remember it being an eventful day: he met his Aunt Robin, met his Uncle Sage, and had his first real bath.) This year is the first year he could actually enjoy the food, the company, and the activities, yet I can't wait for him to be able to stay up and watch fireworks in the future.

So, here's a bit of our Fourth celebration...

The morning of Tuesday, the 3rd, I made Banner a "Fourth of July" breakfast since we knew he wouldn't be waking up with us the next morning (he'd be at my mom's). He loved his waffle, and even said "wawa" over and over again when I said "waffle." He loved the "naNAnas," blueberries, and strawberries I put on, too.

 Later that evening, we took Banner to my mom's house to have a sleepover with Grandma and Papa. This would be his second 3rd of July evening with them; I'm hoping this can become a tradition of theirs maybe! Banner hasn't spent the night out away from us since November, so I was reluctant to leave, but once we did, Sam and I had a blast! We met up with Cherie, Jed, Logan, Alan, Gretchen, and Avi to go see fireworks. After picking up some Grandy's for dinner and finding a good place among the crowded knolls, we hung out eating, chatting, and goofing off until the fireworks started. It was a great night!

My 4th of July drinking glasses I made! :)

Firework Straws!

The gang (that's Sam at the bottom with the beer, of course!)

My date!

I asked them to "watch the fireworks" and this is what I got!

Logan got really into it

Happy Kaboom!!

July 4th morning, Sam and I slept in!! Now THAT was a Happy Independence Day! Then, we stopped by my father-in-law's house to wish him a happy holiday before heading to my mom's to see Banner. After hanging out there for a bit and after Banner's second nap, we went to my aunt & uncle's house for their 4th of July party at their new, amazingly beautiful home they just finished building and moving into! Gorgeous house, I tell you! Anyway, lots of food, fun, and family. Here are some pictures of the party and the "Flag Cake" I made (thanks to Pinterest and this website!).

Grandma & Banner

Our Star-Spangled Banner!

Marin & her Mama

Brock & Brycen

Walking around Aunt Jacque's house

I just love my sister!

Kiki and Landry

Balloons!

The yummy grub!

Marin & Kiki

My cake!

Inside my special cake project

Crumbled a little, but here's the first slice!

My boys

More sweets

Tasting Mommy's Flag Cake

Brycen & Zach

Loving Aunt Jacque's backyard!

First corn-on-the-cob!

My family

FLASHBACK! Here's my sweet newborn last July 4th and then a picture from THIS year! Oh how things have changed!

Happy Birthday, America!!