Trying To Keep Normalcy

So, there it is. "Oncologist" has been written in my calendar. It's staring back at me looking all funky and weird. I can't believe I'm having to write that word into my daily planner. It reads, "Oncologist with Mom" on March 5. We're going for her first appointment with the oncologist after rounds of surgery where she's been poked, prodded, sliced, scared, and pricked. . . after rounds of hope and of frustration. . . after recovery after recovery. We'll hear what the doctor, (excuse me, the oncologist), has to say at that appointment to find out where to go from here. During the last surgery, Mom's surgeon took 11 lymph nodes. Good news: only 1 of the 11 had cancer. Bad news: 1 had cancer - making the total cancer count to 2 of 12 examined lymph nodes.

We all have so many questions, I'm glad that appointment with the ONCOLOGIST has been set. There's that damn word again, huh? Sorry to any oncologists out there, but writing your job title out is just plain horrific. No one wants to have to write your name in a calendar! No one wants to know a visit to you is necessary.

Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it? We're all just trying so hard to keep normalcy. Keep going to work, keep making dinner and watching our shows, keep making plans, keep doing laundry and cleaning the house, keep doing homework and making lunches, keep planning a honeymoon and thinking about the future. It's a weird mix: keeping normal patterns of daily life in order to function and have that predictable routine but wanting to just shut down and handle one damn thing at a time. My mind is with Mom when I'm at work. My mind is on work with I'm with Mom. Always feeling like I "should" be doing something else, always worried about what's to come, always angry at the petty little things I deal with at work when there's so many other greater concerns in my head . . . these are pretty typical things that go through my mind.

Here's a glimpse into my over-anxious mind (this could either be scary or really funny): my car needs an oil change, what are we eating for dinner, I need to remember to refer that kid for testing, how many more days until spring break, what day is it and who is picking up my nephew from school, wonder what time Sam will be home from work, what can I wear to school tomorrow that won't make me dread getting out of my warm bed, how's Mom doing - is someone cooking for her tonight, does she need me to help her with anything, where should we stay when we're in London, what are we doing this weekend, wonder how's Sage doing at school, why have I not heard from my dad, I hope Grandpa's okay, we really need to rake the lawn, she had another headache, I should try to go to bed an hour earlier tonight, is this blog okay to publish, I wonder how Sam's grandma is doing today, I need to do my taxes, oy, TAKS!, wonder how Robyn's doing with another baby, when will I have a baby, do I have to go to happy hour, I just want to sleep, I miss Christmas and I'm not even Christian, I really need to jog, but it's too cold outside, did I pay that bill, mortgage is due soon, when do I get my paycheck, I hope Sam deposited his check, I can't wait for Lost to come on, I wish that damn automated voice would stop leaving messages Marcus Ward - I don't know who the heck that is, that ARD lasted WAY too long, I can't sit through one more with her, do I have enough energy to straighten my hair tonight, what will Mom look like without any hair, oncologist.

Trying my best to keep normalcy is all I can do to cope with the circumstances for myself and for Mom. I'm sure I'll look back on this year and wish none of it ever happened, but there will be more years, there will be more fun and happiness another time. I have to be grateful that the doctors caught everything, that we are in great hands, that we're all in this together. I have to remember "this too shall pass," and we will look back on this nightmare with strength and "upliftedness."In the meantime, "just keep swimming," "just do the best you can," "just keep pushing through," are my mottoes. We can't hide from this cancer or from the demands of daily life. We can't let it consume us, so I will keep worrying about it all, keep having girl-talk with Mom, keep planning the honeymoon, keep focusing on my marriage, keep going to work and trying to give it all I've got, keep doing the mundane things like laundry and grocery shopping, keep complaining about things that bug me, etc. But, I've learned to take some time for myself and try NOT to sweat the small stuff - or at least tell myself not to. Big, deep breaths are my best friends right now - as is letting Sam hold me and tell me, "You can do it," when I feel all is impossible. This all seems so selfish, though, I know, when Mom is going through this battle. But, I like to think of it as all of us going through this - she's not alone, she's got an army of people helping her fight off all the crap she's dealing with right now. I just need a place where I can feel free to share what I'm feeling in order to be a better daughter and a better nurse and cheerleader for her.

I'll blog again after the next appointment, maybe before then about something totally different. In the meantime, keep thinking good thoughts! It's going to be a long road, but it's a road I know will lead to health and life. So proud of you, Mom! Once again, you are proving that you are my hero. I love you!

The Roller Coaster

It's been a while since my last blog, and there's good reason for that. There's been a lot going on in the family, and I've been unable to really sit and write about it all, although I've thought about it often and wanted to do nothing BUT write. If you know me, you know I get out my feelings through writing, but in this situation, there's almost been too much to communicate and too much to say. So, in this posting, I'll try to summarize what's been going on in a somewhat "short" version.

In November, the week before Thanksgiving, Mom and I had our annual mammograms that we schedule together each year. For someone my young age, mammograms and sonograms on the breast are abnormal, but when your mom had breast cancer at the age of 32, you can't be too careful or too young to start being proactive. So, we went to the doctor, and my exams went as usual. I finished my exams, checked out, and waited in the waiting room for Mom to finish up. I was used to her taking a little longer than me to make it through the maze of exams and waiting areas, but after 45 minutes, I started to panic a little. Finally, Mom poked her head out and motioned for me to come back past the check out area again. Worried and anxious, I held Mom's hand as we listened to the doctor tell us that Mom had some calcifications in her left breast. Because they couldn't see what was inside them, they wanted to do a biopsy to make sure it was nothing to worry about. With Thanksgiving less than a week away, there weren't any appointments until after the holiday, so we patiently waited until we could know more. Thanksgiving really was a time to reflect and thank God for Mom's health and for having her in my life. She didn't want to tell many people since we really weren't sure what was going to come of the news. So, leaving Mom's house on Thanksgiving to be with Sam's family was tearful and difficult when I really just wanted to curl up with Mom and cry at the uncertainty of the news.

After Mom endured the biopsy, the doctor reported that they found atypical cells. He wanted the calcifications to come out, so they scheduled surgery for after the start to the new year. In the beginning of January, Mom had these small clusters removed, and within 3 days, she heard back from the doctor. Sitting at my nephew's basketball practice, Mom got a phone call from the doctor, left the gym to hear better, and then she walked back to the gym with a grimacing face and a defeated look as she shook her head. I was shocked and confused as I took her back into the hallway outside the gym. "It's malignant," she said. Completely taken aback and misunderstanding everything, I just kept asking questions that she couldn't answer.

The following Monday we had a family meeting with the doctor to hear more about her prognosis and his explanation of why an MRI and the biopsy had missed this horrible news. It was at this meeting that the doctor, to my knowledge, first used the words "tumors" and "cancer." He described the 2 very small tumors (surrounded by small clusters of malignant cells), and with more information that the cancer was not related to her previous cancer, that this was "stage 1," that it was not aggressive, that it couldn't have been caught any earlier, etc, we had a plan to go ahead with a double mastectomy to prevent any future disease from coming back. We were also optimistic because her BRCA tests had come back showing she is not a carrier for breast cancer. We thought this was good news, until we learned that the available tests only test for 1/3 of all genetic predispositions for breast cancer. Therefore, there is still 2/3 of all abnormalities that are not tested for; hence the reason my sister and I still need annual mammograms and sonograms.

Emotionally drained, Mom still believed a double mastectomy was the best option to get rid of the cancer beast that had attacked her twice now. So, we all mentally and physically prepared for surgery and recovery while Mom worked out the details and timelines with the doctors. She had more scans - bone, chest, ovarian, etc. - which all came back just fine. We all came together to organize calendars, prepare for cooking, helping with chores around the house, etc. while really wondering how Mom was handling all of this overwhelming news. To help ease the tension and have some comic relief, my sister and I planned a "Bye-Bye Boobies" Party. We surprised Mom the night before her surgery. We brought her "boob" cupcakes, sat in a circle of bras, gave her Mardi Gras beads, and read her a poem I had written entitled "A Good & 'Well-Fare' to Your Fancy Pair: A Poem by Amber on the Night Before Saying Ta-Ta to Your Tatas" which gave tribute to the life of Mom's breasts. She was a trooper and took the whole party in with smiles and laughs and a few tears, too, shared by all.

The next day, nervous for Mom and hopeful that all would go as planned, the family gathered together to support Mom and each other. About 30 minutes before they called Mom back from the waiting room, Sam called and said he was leaving work to come be with me. Grateful and touched and with a sigh of relief, I asked that he get there quickly so he could be with Mom before they called her back. Sam was there with everyone as we hugged and kissed Mom before they rolled her back to surgery. We all hung out at the hospital until Mom was in recovery, then we got to see her in her room. Mom was in the hospital for 2 nights, and we all traded off time staying with her and sleeping there at the hospital.

A week later, the doctor called with the pathology report. The news, again, was shocking, frustrating, and defeating. Malignant breast cells were found in the lymph nodes. Mysteriously, there were no cancer cells found in the right breast tissue, but the right lymph nodes had cells in them when the cancer was in the left breast. Breast cancer does not spread from breast to breast, so we still aren't sure how all of this happened. Needless to say, Mom was told that she would need to have more lymph nodes removed, she would need radiation, and she would need chemotherapy. Another blow. Another step to take. Another mountain to climb. But, I know Mom can do it. She will get through all of this with dignity and courage, and a lot of support from friends and family. This week, the next part of this journey continues. She'll have yet another round of surgery, and we'll find out even more from the doctors later.

So, that's where we are right now. A roller coaster of emotion starting since before Thanksgiving has still not ended. I'm angry that she has to go through this again; I'm scared for my mom's life and for her spirit; I'm glad that the doctor's caught what they did; I'm uplifted by the outpouring of support and encouragement; I'm awed by Mom's optimism and fighting attitude; I'm thankful for my husband who understands and joins me on this roller coaster; I'm confused at all the uncertain news; I'm trying to handle daily life while experiencing a nightmare with Mom; I'm certain she will pull through this.

My blog is dedicated to married life and the "ups and downs" of living through the knot. So, I have to comment on how wonderful and strong Sam has been for me through this roller coaster. This particular roller coaster I'd rather not be on since the downs have been too low and the ups have been taken right from underneath me before I could enjoy them, and Sam's been there the whole way. He understands that I just need time with Mom, he's picked up meal after meal for the whole family and not complained, he's come over to Mom's after work to help with meals or share time with the grandkids, and most importantly, he's known when I just needed to cry or be held without talking or explaining. He's cried with me and with Mom. He lets me vent and complain without getting annoyed. He knows this is a bump (okay, a mountain) in the road, but one we will all get over together.

So, as I conclude this posting, I want to just say how much I love my husband and appreciate his support. And, he'll understand that I want to end this post with a message to my mother: Mom, I love you more than you could ever know. You have more strength than any other human I know. You ARE strength. I am so proud of everything you are and how courageous you have been. You will win this war. I love you.

What HAS Changed?

This afternoon I went to a staff development and saw some of my counselor friends. Because we only see each other once a month at meetings, I suppose my marriage is still pretty fresh on their minds. I had emailed them a whole bunch of pictures from the wedding, so they're always interested in how we are doing. . . which I appreciate. So, it's because of these inquiries, that I wanted to blog about this question again.

After 4 months, Sam and I have come up with the answer to the "How's married life?" question, and that is: "Better than engaged life!" It's a good, solid response. And, it's so darn true! It's so much better: no planning of the wedding, no worrying about the guest list, no running this way and that to find the right dress or wine cup or flowers, no scheduled meetings with any vendor to only annoy us with a "plus, plus!" It's been great! So, it really is better than engaged life. But, what HAS changed?

Well, for one thing, we're definitely more emotionally connected/solidified. We both agreed that ever since the wedding, there's more of a family feel to our home and the way we think about each other. There was always a desire to be with each other, connect with each other, etc., but something switched "ON" when we became a married couple. We did not become the same person or become "one," but we definitely turned a corner that makes us more tied together, more in tune.

The biggest change, though, is the way we bank. We now have a joint account, and each of us has a separate account. The joint account has been a challenge to learn how to manage. For starters, I'm the only one that seems to check it online. Sam knows that, so he rarely pays any attention to spending. I have to remind him of how much is in the bank. I'm not used to having to plan my spending with another person. We did not bank like this until we got married, so it's been an adjustment. After talking to some girlfriends about this, we agreed as long as one person is watching the accounts, it's okay. We also agreed it's pretty typical for one person to be more cautious/observant than the other. Luckily, neither of us is a controlling person, so I'm not keeping tabs on his spending (although, I can tell what he had for lunch all week if he continues to go out for lunches rather than taking food we just bought from the grocery store - which kinda annoys me, but maybe I'm just more jealous that he gets a lunch break and I get about 25 minutes in the teachers' lounge!).

If you married, what has changed for you and your spouse? I'm just curious what other people would say. It's a good conversation-starter.

In the Year 2015

What a Happy New Year around here! I just wanted to share the outcome of the discussion from the previous blog post entitled "How Do you Compromise on Something Uncompromisable?" from December 6, 2009. To recount, in short, Sam has always wanted a gun, and he's always wanted a dog. Both of these desires are ones I do not share, and quite honestly, I reject the idea of having either in our home for various reasons (please read the aforementioned post to get a more in-depth read about my views). Well, after a discussion with many friends and one detailed discussion with my best friend in Houston, I came up with an alternative to this dilemma. Sam has also desperately wanted a new phone - preferably a new iPhone, but he wasn't altogether against the Google phone. Because we would have to cancel our account with our current company to get the iPhone, I was really against paying a large sum of money to get out of our contract. But, feeling like Sam needs to have something he really wants that won't really upset me, I decided to make a proposal. The proposal was made on Thursday night, New Year's Eve. I presented the alternative in this way: "Go get whatever phone you want, whenever you want, and I won't complain or be upset - if you will not buy or request to buy a dog or a gun in our house for the next 5 years."

5 years sounds harsh, I know. . . and I know Sam thinks so, too. But, after more discussion, we decided this was a really good compromise. He gets something he wants; I get what I want. He is willing to wait 5 years to discuss the gun/dog issue later - with the understanding that we will most likely (God-willing!) have children of our own and will have a better understanding of how a dog and/or a gun in the house will affect those children and our lifestyle. Since neither of us believe a dog helps you prepare to have children, we don't think we need a dog before having kids - so this compromise acknowledges that we would have a dog AFTER having kids, which we both want more than a dog anyway. So, it's a nice little waiting period.

Sam gave himself a Sunday deadline to make up his mind on whether to take me up on the offer or not. This morning, he "locked it in" by buying a new Google phone - the more responsible choice between the iPhone and the Google phone, in my opinion. It was less expensive than getting out of our contract with our current carrier, and maybe in the next 2 years (for which our contract has now been renewed), our carrier will have the iPhone available for its customers. However, for now, Sam is very content with his new phone - finding lots of new apps and features that he wants. He's played with it all day long - and it hasn't hurt anyone, and it hasn't had to go out for a walk or needed to be fed or potty-trained! :) So, in the year 2015, we'll possibly broach the topic again. Maybe I'll be ready for one or the other, or both. Maybe he won't want one or the other, or both. But, in the meantime, we have found a way to compromise on something uncompromisable. Happy New Year to All! :)

A Quick Vent about the Irking Mundane

I'm typically a pretty positive person and don't get bent out of shape over normal, everyday stressors. But, hang with me for a minute as I have some little things on my mind that just plain irk me. I've been bound to my house for the past 5 days, sick and groggy day and night! Today I made my first venture to the store, actually got dressed and put on a little make-up! It was a big step after laying around in pajamas for 5 days straight only really moving around to shower, change pjs, brush teeth, blow my nose, drink some liquids, or take meds. Add that to being on a winter break that spoils me rotten. With that combination, getting back into the "real world" only reminds me of what just kinda bugs me about being a mature adult. With my regular work routine looming just around the corner, I am going to allow myself just this rare moment to be negative about typical, mundane things; just hear me out while I vent! Below is a list of things that just grate on my nerves as I continue to maintain and take-on adulthood:

-Remembering to pick-up our dry cleaning

-Dry cleaning at all!

-People who don't turn right on red

-Unpacking after a trip

-When it rains after you just cleaned your car

-Bananas that go bad too quickly

-Having to fill the gas tank up when it feels like I just friggin' did that!

-Cleaning up the house when I just did that, too!

-Annual doctor's appointments

-Getting in the short line at the store, then the longer one moves faster, and you realize you picked the wrong damn line!

-Paying for health insurance and still owing money at each appointment that is not covered by insurance

-Jury Duty - well, actually, this isn't so horrible and can be a day off work, but it's still boring

-Trying to figure out what to make for dinner

-Trying to figure out what to wear to work each day (or the next day)

-Throwing away food that has expired/rotted - I hate being wasteful and now I just have to go buy it fresh, again!

-Needing to buy stamps

-Getting caught up on paying off all bills and then getting another bill the next day

-Weeding the lawn/garden, again!

-Raking the leaves, again!

-Unloading the dishwasher

-When it seems every radio station is taking a commercial break and there's no music on

-Needing more milk or not having enough for my cereal

-Needing a hair cut

-Having to go to bed at a reasonable hour

-Waking up before the sun does

-Trying to get back into a work-out routine

-Shaving, again!

-Driving the same path to and from work - gets a little redundant, right?

-Putting on make-up each morning and taking it off each night, only to do the same thing the next day

-Maintaining my car: oil changes, inspection, how many years ago did I get new tires?

-Straightening my hair, or worse yet, and my best friends will agree with this one: actually planning when I should straighten my hair - like what day and what time of that day! sheesh!

-Ironing clothes

-Annoying "unknown" or "unavailable" calls from telemarketers we've already told to take us off of their list

As you can see, many of these items are basic upkeep/maintenance of everyday life and self-care. It's just funny how 5 day off from these little tasks will make you realize how much we really do as adults who are fortunate enough to be able to take care of ourselves and others, able to have a home, a job, and all that comes with it! I know I'm fortunate and lucky to have all of these things to "have to do," but I just needed five minutes to vent about it! There's plenty of things I didn't put on my list that I've come to actually enjoy, like laundry and grocery shopping and keeping up with emails. But, admit it - there are plenty of things that we all have to do to keep living a nice life but are just plain obnoxiously annoying. What are those things for you?

*Now, for more fun, uplifting things, check out http://www.1000awesomethings.com/! It will make you smile! :)

All Hail the Mighty Crock~Pot

Oh the wonders of the most impressive kitchen appliance! If you don't have one, you have to get one. If you have one, and don't use it, you have to start! If you only ever use it occassionally, you have to use it more often! The Crock-Pot is a gift to all home-makers - full of wonderful incentives: a great-smelling house, a perfectly cooked meal (yes, meal!), an easy clean-up, dinner waiting for you when you get home from work or a day of shopping and errand-running, and countless ways to make countless dishes! So this post will be dedicated to this most amazing kitchen must-have for the skilled or unskilled, lazy or overachieving cook.

From appetizers and snacks to drinks and desserts, the Crock-Pot meets all needs. Sam and I have made dips, desserts, chicken dinners, soups, and more in this little bucket of miracles! :) As long as I have all the ingredients, it's my go-to friend for an easy meal that will be waiting for us after a long day at work. We now own 4, yes four, Crock-Pots - various sizes and for various uses; but my favorite one is the one I just got in a White Elephant game over the holidays: a digitally programmable one - so it will turn off when the food is done cooking! Now I won't have to worry about my house burning down if I have to stay late at work or run a few errands more - a fear I've had being new to the Crock-Potting world! Below are a few of our favorite Crock-Pot recipes. Feel free to comment with your own favorite recipes! :) We also just got a new recipe book entitled Fix-It and Forget-It Lightly: Healthy, Low-Fat Recipes for Your Slow Cooker by Phyllis Pellman Good. I've bookmarked several of these recipes and plan to try them out soon!

Mexican Chicken, a variation of a recipe found in Crock-Pot: 5 Ingredients or Less

• 2-4 chicken breasts
• 1 medium onion, sliced (although, I can't eat onions, so I eliminate this!)
• 1 can cream of chicken soup
• 1 can Rotel
• 1 package (8 oz) Velveeta spread, cubed

*Place chicken, onion, soup, and Rotel in Crock-Pot. Cover and cook on Low for 6-8 hours on on High for 4 hours. Then, break up the chicken into pieces. Add cheese spread and cook until melted. Yummy over pasta or in a tortilla!
Rustic Garlic Mashed Potatoes

• 2 pounds baking potatoes, unpeeled, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
• 1/4 cup water
• 2 Tablespoons butter, cut into 1/8-inch pieces
• 1 1/4 teaspoons of salt
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 cup milk

*Place all ingredients (except milk) into Crock-Pot; toss to combine. Cover, and cook on Low for 7 hours or High for 4 hours. Add milk and mash with potato masher or electric mixer until smooth.
Easy Chocolate Pudding Cake, another variation of a recipe found in the above mentioned book

• 1 package (6-serving size) instant chocolate pudding/pie filling mix
• 3 cups milk
• 1 package (18 1/4 oz) chocolate fudge cake mix (plus ingredients to prepare mix)

*Spray Crock-Pot with nonstick cooking spray. Place pudding mix in Crock-Pot. Whisk in milk. Prepare cake mix according to package directions. Carefully pour cake mix into Crock-Pot. Do not stir! Cover, and cook on High for 1.5 - 3 hours (depending on cake mix) until cake is set. SO delicious, but makes a LOT, so serve at a party or for special guests!
Baked Potato Soup

• 2 potatoes
• 3 Tablespoons margarine
• 2 cups chopped white onion (or minced onion will work, but use less)
• 2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 4 cups chicken broth
• 2 cups water
• 1 1/2 cups instant mashed potato flakes
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 teaspoon pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon basil
• 1/8 teaspoon thyme
• 1 cup half-n-half
• 1/2 cup shredded cheddar
• 1/2 cup bacon bits

*Peel and dice potatoes; boil until done (10 minutes boiling). Drain. Melt margarine in skillet and saute onion until tender. Take one cup of water and add 2 T. flour in a jar/container and SHAKE. Add this mixture to the butter/onions to make a roux. Keep it moving over low heat.
Put drained potatoes, chicken broth, 1 cup of water, and roux in Crock-Pot. Stir! Put in bacon bits and add half-n-half, pepper, basil, thyme, salt, and potato flakes. Stir more. Cook on low for 6 hours or low for 3 hours. Serve with cheddar cheese on top. Serves 6-8.
We're Crock-Potting tonight, actually. I'm making chicken and rice. I'll add a quick side-salad and some rolls, and we have an easy meal made by the time Sam gets home from work. I still feel sick, so I didn't feel like standing over a stove or taking a chance in breathing over a dish all evening. . . so this will be perfect! :) HAPPY CROCKING! :) (And, no, the Crock-Pot company is not paying me to say this, although they should, right?!)

In Sickness and In Health

So, my winter break started off great; then I got sick. Horrible allergies at first, I thought. Then, got a fever and had to sit out traditional Christmas events - movie with my side of the family, dinner and gifts with Sam's side of the family. I haven't missed a Christmas movie with my family - ever! So, I'm really bummed that I had to miss it. I'm the one who remembers all the annual movies in order and what we saw each year, from Nell to Anna & the King to Finding Forrester to Stepmom to Titanic to Catch Me If You Can to The Family Stone to Dreamgirls to The Great Debaters to Valkyrie. . . just to name a few. I am still upset that I couldn't go, but I felt so ill. The night before, as we do every Christmas Eve, we were at my ex-stepmom's sister's house (long story!). I felt pretty crummy that night, but made it to the party bad allergies and all. As the night went on, even though I was loving the white Christmas Eve and the cold weather, I felt more and more miserable. Sam put up with me on the slippery drive home as I worried about us crashing or skidding or bumping into other cars.

The next morning, Christmas Day, I awoke with a fever, sore throat, congestion, and a weak, achy body. I didn't want to keep Sam from going to the family events, but he chose to miss the annual movie and be with me. Later that afternoon, he went to his parents' to be with the family and open gifts, but he called to check in on me throughout the night. He's been such an amazing caregiver. He's made me countless cups of tea with Throat Coat teabags, insisted I keep drinking water or orange juice, brought me Christmas dinner from his parents' house, rubbed my back to help me sleep, gone to the pharmacy 3 times in 48 hours, and continued to keep me entertained with hours of Lost reruns. He's picked up dinner, fed me snacks, and brought me little treats throughout the past couple nights. He's never complained or moaned/groaned about my need for him to pick up a medicine or remedy. Sam's practically brought the pharmacy to me: Kleenex, Carmex, Mucinex, Benedryl, Sudafed, Abreva (for my new fever blister, lovely I know!), refill of my allergy prescription, milk, Popsicles, a box of cereal to satisfy a craving, and life's best medicine: laughter.

The past few days have been part of Sam's long weekend off of work. I have felt horrible that I'm sick and can't go out and have fun with him elsewhere, but he maintains that he's had a good time just hanging out in our little house. He could easily have just left me at home to go make plans with friends or hang out more with his family, but he doesn't want me to be at home alone. He's just been awesome. I hope I feel better soon, so we can get back to our normal active lives, but it's been nice having my husband here for me in sickness and in health.

Being a Wife on Winter Break

Many people talk about the perks of working in a school system. They mention how many days off we get, how we get a summer, spring, and winter break, or how we have great hours to be home by 4:00. Of course neither this specific post nor this specific blog is designed to address the downsides of working in a school system - the low pay, the countless unpaid overtime hours, the lack of salary increases, raises, or bonuses, and the high necessity of the breaks so we don't hurt ourselves or someone's child - no really, try staying sane while trying to teach - or at least MANAGE - 22-28 students in one classroom where every child either cannot sit still, doesn't listen, fidgets endlessly, falls out of the chair, has parents that will blame you for everything, throws up on you, has lice jumping out of his/her hair, has an individualized education plan for any number of reasons, yells at you, rolls their eyes at you, talks back to you, is gifted and thinks he/she knows everything, needs you to remember to send him/her to the clinic for meds at any hour of the day, cannot get along with any classmates, falls asleep in class, or suffers from any number of undiagnosed conditions such as ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, ADHD, Learning Disabilities, Asthma, ADHD, Seizure Disorder, Mental Retardation, ADHD, bladder infections, sleep apnea, eating disorders, Deafness, ADHD, low vision, food allergies, irrital bowel syndrome, or any combination of the above listed problems. . . just try to get them to pass their district and state assessments while trying to stay sane without any summer, winter, spring, or Thanksgiving break!! But, as I said, I'm not going to go into defending my absolute need to have scheduled breaks to make it through the school year and how fair it really is. I'm just glad the state understands that I (as do my colleagues and students) need these times to recuperate and rejuvenate to be the best I can be at my job (and stay out of prison or the mental ward).

Needless to say, I'm on winter break right now. And, although it hasn't hit me that I have another week off after this one, I'm taking advantage of every minute trying to catch up with my personal life. I've been paying bills, running errands, buying groceries, doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, cooking meals, organizing finances, corresponding with friends, spending time with family, cleaning out my closets, watching a little TV here and there, and lounging around in pajamas. It's been busy, but very fun!

I'm still looking forward to seeing what the rest of winter break has in store for me. Believe it or not, I'm loving the cooking and cleaning. I feel so passionate about keeping this house in order and in having a nice warm meal for Sam when he gets home. What's better is that I enjoy this and Sam doesn't expect it from me - it's just something I can do while enjoying some time off of work. I like having the time, the energy, and the willingness to do these things. And, when I get the urge to nest - LOOK OUT - 'cause when I'm on a mission, nothing can stop me from cleaning and cooking anything I can! Here's to a fabulous winter break - with lots of organizing, cleaning, cooking, and relaxing!

How Do You Compromise on Something Uncompromisable?

Sam and I do a great job of talking to each other and communicating openly. There are no secrets kept and nothing too difficult to confront each other about. I think we also do a fabulous job at compromising on things we want and/or need. For instance, Sam loves to go out with friends to grab a few drinks with friends, as many people do. I don't particularly enjoy this. Because I don't want him to miss out on something that makes him happy, and because he doesn't want to make me do something that he knows I don't like, we compromise. He might go grab some drinks with friends, and I might go out with my girlfriends, or I might choose to stay at home alone. I win; he wins. I'm not mad at him; he's not mad at me. Another example: Sam admits he's a procrastinator. (I, too, procrastinate at times, by the way.... I'm not judging!) However, because we know this is a work in progress, we've both learned giving Sam a deadline works better. I've also learned that if he comes up with this deadline on his own, it's more likely to get done. So, we compromise on when tasks will be accomplished. I don't know how to mow the lawn, for example. I paid a service to do that before Sam moved in. He asked that I stop paying for that service so that he could be the one to do that. Well, sometimes the grass grows a little too long for my taste, so I ask him to mow it. Rather than nag him about it, I ask when he thinks he can do that by. He will give a deadline, and voila!, we have a plan that works for us both.

But, recently, we've come to two topics that may not always lend itself to a good compromise. I'm curious to know how other couples deal with these situations, when a compromise is not possible. What if I firmly believe in something I want, but he firmly believes in the opposite? The two topics to which I'm referring are ones that we knew would be issues for us. We didn't get into this marriage without already discussing these issues, but now that they are "upon us," we need to find a solution. But, what do you do when you just can't compromise? He feels that he's not getting what he wants/needs if I don't give in, and I feel like I'm not getting what I want/need if I give in to him. What to do!

I'm sure you're curious about the two topics. Well, the specific examples at hand really aren't important to this discussion because I'm merely questioning how to find a solution to something neither of us wants to give in on. The importance of the discussion and the underlying point is that this always happens in a marriage, and it will happen again, I'm sure. But, just to appease your curiosity, I will fill you in on the two topics.

The first is whether or not to get a dog. Sam really wants a dog. I do not. It's not that I don't like animals, especially dogs - I love them! - but, I just don't want the expense, time, and inconvenience of an animal in the house when the ideas of babies in the somewhat near future takes precedence. We both would rather have children than pets, so why spend money on pets when we want to budget and save for our kids? Also, it's one more thing to have to worry about. . . when we travel, who will watch our pet; are we giving enough attention to the animal, even when kids are born; potty-training; grooming; shedding; drooling; teething; knocking over things with its tail, etc, etc. I am just not willing to do this for a pet. I am for a baby, a human being - but not a pet. Many people tell me getting a dog lets you know if you're ready for a baby. Well, I think that's bullshit. Mostly, because, once you have a baby after getting a pet - well, hell, now you have a dog and a baby, making the baby care even more difficult! I hear my best friend on the phone yelling at her dog, while she's scolding her toddler, and nursing her infant. Screw the dog. We don't need that added stress. But, Sam really wants one - mostly for fun and companionship for our family. But, I know I'll end up being the one to care for the dog every night when Sam's hours are chaotic. I'm not saying I wouldn't love the dog; I'm just saying it's one more thing to stress over when I don't really want it. I don't really see myself as a pet owner, but Sam grew up with a dog in the house. I say he can get his dog fix at his parents' house, or at his sisters' houses. But, how do you compromise on this issue? One of us will have to give in to something he/she doesn't really want.

The other topic is whether or not to take advantage of the second amendment: the right to bear arms. Sam wants to purchase and house a gun. I have no interest in this. Quite adamantly, I feel the opposite and want nothing to do with having a gun in our house. I think they are more trouble than they are worth - more often being used in accidents than in protection. He says he wants to buy a gun for protection and for recreation (at the shooting range or for hunting). Well, we have an alarm for protection, and he can rent a gun for recreation. So, to try to put this issue to rest, I have asked that we both take the time to research the importance of a gun. Personally, I think they are accidents waiting to happen. He says we'll teach our kid(s) how to respect a gun. Well, what if our nephews or nieces come over and find it? What if our child's friend or neighbor finds it and uses it inappropriately? He says we'll lock it up and it won't have any bullets in it. Well, then, what are the realistic chances that in the event of an intruder we would have time to get to the location we keep it in, unlock the case, load the bullets, and have time for it to have any real utility? Slim to none in my opinion! He grew up with a gun in his house. I asked him in the 20-something years he lived there, how many times was the gun useful. He said none. My point stands, don't you think?

In any case, these two topics are quite hard to reach consensus on. I knew they would come up (and probably continue to surface) throughout our marriage, but it's not worth not marrying the man I'm in love with because we disagree on a couple topics. It's going to happen. But, how do you compromise on that? I've even suggested he buy a gun and keep it at his parents' house for when he wants to use it recreationally. That was a nice compromise; of course, if that's the case, save the money and borrow your dad's gun, right?!

Sam said I should pick one of these topics and let him have his way. He thinks that might be one way to compromise. Well, which one should I go with? The dog that will be lifelong work? Or, the gun that could potentially kill one of my children? Sheesh, the answer seems to be easy - go with the dog. But, that's a big commitment, too! How do you and your partner compromise on these kinds of topics? What if you firmly disagree on something? I'm sure these two topics won't be the last in which we don't see eye-to-eye. I am just at a loss on how to resolve it so neither of us holds a grudge.

Me or the Bossman, Revisited

Apparently, since my last blog, I've upset a few of my readers who believe I'm being too negative about the Bossman (and maybe a few other things I've given some social commentary on in the past). All's fair in writing and social commentary - so whatever you believe is fine with me. Furthermore, if you don't like my blog, then please don't upset yourself by reading it. I'm free to write about what I want, and you're free to read about what you want - so stop reading if my opinions are upsetting to you. Or, better yet, start your own blog about things that you'd like to report about. You have to understand that I'm a counselor, and I listen to others tell me about their feelings all day long! While I enjoy my profession, I deserve a chance to get to tell readers (people who elect to view my thoughts I'm willing to share) how I feel. It's also a place to think about things in a unique outlet. It's not a diary or journal, as it's for public eyes. (That's right; I don't blog about my most personal happenings or thoughts. Believe it or not, I do believe some things should not be discussed on the web for strangers, or even family and friends, to know.)

My blog has given me a great place to start conversation between friends, open up new ways of thinking about the world, and unleash in "public" some of the ideas that many women have but won't say. But, I don't want anyone to ever feel personally attacked by anything I write - including my husband, who is the first to read every entry - in fact, I read it to him before I post whenever he is included in a post - as a rule of fairness. He has never asked me to change anything, unless my point is unclear. If people feel that he is upset or offended by my posts, then be reassured right now that this is not the case and that my husband loves that I am able to speak my mind, consider new ideas and share them, and get things off my mind in a way that allows for continued dialogue rather than just journal writing (which I've done all my life and felt like I wanted to try something new in blogging). In addition, I think he's incredibly accepting and has been entertained with these discussions that begin on my blog. Lastly, if you know me well enough to hear my voice in my postings, you know that I'm rarely negative in these posts, but rather scarcastic, funny, and only good-intentioned. Sam laughs with me when I read him my blogs, or he likes the way I think or state something. So, please be assured that the blog has done only positive things for my relationship with him.

As for the previous entry, someone noted that missing my husband is the world of working life and being married to a lawyer. Yes, I realize I married a lawyer (see the first paragraph in the last posting). I said that. I know that. And, yes, it would be the same as being married to a doctor or other job where the employee is far away or working late hours. However, my point was that I miss my husband and wish I didn't have to miss him like that. This previous someone made me recognize that I had forgotten in my post that I should be thankful and appreciative that Sam has a job these days and that he is successful. I do recognize this, and I was glad that someone reminded me to be thankful. I did, by the way, state that I was thankful that he had a job at Thanksgiving last week. But, I suppose my point was not that I'm disappointed in him having a job. I am glad he has a job, and I'm even more elated that he LIKES his job! I merely suggest that as a society we value work more than family sometimes. And, I miss my husband when he has to work long hours. I think that's a good thing. It's certainly better than sitting on the couch thinking, "Man, I'm glad he has to work a lot tonight. Who needs him?!"

Look, when the man gets home at 12:30am sometimes, I have the right to miss him. I don't get upset with him, and I cut him all the slack he needs. I don't bother him about it or get mad at him; I realize he misses me, too, and wishes he could be here with me. My blog post was merely a way to vent about the hardships many of my friends and collegues complain about when it comes to our husbands working long, crazy hours. I'm very proud of Sam. I love that he's motivated to please his boss, and I'm glad he gets up each day and puts in the time he does to his work. He's a good man. He's a really great husband, too. I hate it for him that he has to be at the job so many hours, sometimes frustrating hours, while he knows I miss him.

If you've ever been in love or had a husband, you can understand what I'm talking about. The weekends (that your partner is not working) are amazing, and by Sunday you don't want them to go to work the next day, because you're having such a nice time with them, without the chaos and unpredictablity of the work week. Neither of us want to go to work on Monday mornings, and it's hard to get back into the swing of things. However, I'm thrilled that I have a job and that he has a job when we both want to be working and contributing to an income. But my frustration with missing my husband only means two big things: I LOVE HIM, and maybe more importantly, I LIKE HIM!