How Do You Compromise on Something Uncompromisable?

Sam and I do a great job of talking to each other and communicating openly. There are no secrets kept and nothing too difficult to confront each other about. I think we also do a fabulous job at compromising on things we want and/or need. For instance, Sam loves to go out with friends to grab a few drinks with friends, as many people do. I don't particularly enjoy this. Because I don't want him to miss out on something that makes him happy, and because he doesn't want to make me do something that he knows I don't like, we compromise. He might go grab some drinks with friends, and I might go out with my girlfriends, or I might choose to stay at home alone. I win; he wins. I'm not mad at him; he's not mad at me. Another example: Sam admits he's a procrastinator. (I, too, procrastinate at times, by the way.... I'm not judging!) However, because we know this is a work in progress, we've both learned giving Sam a deadline works better. I've also learned that if he comes up with this deadline on his own, it's more likely to get done. So, we compromise on when tasks will be accomplished. I don't know how to mow the lawn, for example. I paid a service to do that before Sam moved in. He asked that I stop paying for that service so that he could be the one to do that. Well, sometimes the grass grows a little too long for my taste, so I ask him to mow it. Rather than nag him about it, I ask when he thinks he can do that by. He will give a deadline, and voila!, we have a plan that works for us both.

But, recently, we've come to two topics that may not always lend itself to a good compromise. I'm curious to know how other couples deal with these situations, when a compromise is not possible. What if I firmly believe in something I want, but he firmly believes in the opposite? The two topics to which I'm referring are ones that we knew would be issues for us. We didn't get into this marriage without already discussing these issues, but now that they are "upon us," we need to find a solution. But, what do you do when you just can't compromise? He feels that he's not getting what he wants/needs if I don't give in, and I feel like I'm not getting what I want/need if I give in to him. What to do!

I'm sure you're curious about the two topics. Well, the specific examples at hand really aren't important to this discussion because I'm merely questioning how to find a solution to something neither of us wants to give in on. The importance of the discussion and the underlying point is that this always happens in a marriage, and it will happen again, I'm sure. But, just to appease your curiosity, I will fill you in on the two topics.

The first is whether or not to get a dog. Sam really wants a dog. I do not. It's not that I don't like animals, especially dogs - I love them! - but, I just don't want the expense, time, and inconvenience of an animal in the house when the ideas of babies in the somewhat near future takes precedence. We both would rather have children than pets, so why spend money on pets when we want to budget and save for our kids? Also, it's one more thing to have to worry about. . . when we travel, who will watch our pet; are we giving enough attention to the animal, even when kids are born; potty-training; grooming; shedding; drooling; teething; knocking over things with its tail, etc, etc. I am just not willing to do this for a pet. I am for a baby, a human being - but not a pet. Many people tell me getting a dog lets you know if you're ready for a baby. Well, I think that's bullshit. Mostly, because, once you have a baby after getting a pet - well, hell, now you have a dog and a baby, making the baby care even more difficult! I hear my best friend on the phone yelling at her dog, while she's scolding her toddler, and nursing her infant. Screw the dog. We don't need that added stress. But, Sam really wants one - mostly for fun and companionship for our family. But, I know I'll end up being the one to care for the dog every night when Sam's hours are chaotic. I'm not saying I wouldn't love the dog; I'm just saying it's one more thing to stress over when I don't really want it. I don't really see myself as a pet owner, but Sam grew up with a dog in the house. I say he can get his dog fix at his parents' house, or at his sisters' houses. But, how do you compromise on this issue? One of us will have to give in to something he/she doesn't really want.

The other topic is whether or not to take advantage of the second amendment: the right to bear arms. Sam wants to purchase and house a gun. I have no interest in this. Quite adamantly, I feel the opposite and want nothing to do with having a gun in our house. I think they are more trouble than they are worth - more often being used in accidents than in protection. He says he wants to buy a gun for protection and for recreation (at the shooting range or for hunting). Well, we have an alarm for protection, and he can rent a gun for recreation. So, to try to put this issue to rest, I have asked that we both take the time to research the importance of a gun. Personally, I think they are accidents waiting to happen. He says we'll teach our kid(s) how to respect a gun. Well, what if our nephews or nieces come over and find it? What if our child's friend or neighbor finds it and uses it inappropriately? He says we'll lock it up and it won't have any bullets in it. Well, then, what are the realistic chances that in the event of an intruder we would have time to get to the location we keep it in, unlock the case, load the bullets, and have time for it to have any real utility? Slim to none in my opinion! He grew up with a gun in his house. I asked him in the 20-something years he lived there, how many times was the gun useful. He said none. My point stands, don't you think?

In any case, these two topics are quite hard to reach consensus on. I knew they would come up (and probably continue to surface) throughout our marriage, but it's not worth not marrying the man I'm in love with because we disagree on a couple topics. It's going to happen. But, how do you compromise on that? I've even suggested he buy a gun and keep it at his parents' house for when he wants to use it recreationally. That was a nice compromise; of course, if that's the case, save the money and borrow your dad's gun, right?!

Sam said I should pick one of these topics and let him have his way. He thinks that might be one way to compromise. Well, which one should I go with? The dog that will be lifelong work? Or, the gun that could potentially kill one of my children? Sheesh, the answer seems to be easy - go with the dog. But, that's a big commitment, too! How do you and your partner compromise on these kinds of topics? What if you firmly disagree on something? I'm sure these two topics won't be the last in which we don't see eye-to-eye. I am just at a loss on how to resolve it so neither of us holds a grudge.