See the World

Two years ago, we took Banner and Quinn on their first road trip to San Antonio. Banner had just turned four, and Quinn was 21 months. It was such a fun trip, and it obviously made an impression on Banner, because throughout his Kindergarten school year, he would write about Sea World: his favorite place, if he could go anywhere, what he wishes for... and it made my heart so happy that he may have remembered that trip. Even if he didn't remember specifics, he was able to remember having a great time, so I was really wanting to take him again. Quinn always likes to watch videos from that trip, so I'm not sure if he really remembers the trip (probably not) or if he just remembers the stories and the pictures and videos, but we knew he would like to go as well! Sam and I were up for the challenge of taking Knox on his first trip, and with amazing free deals for preschool kids (3-5), under 2 get in free, and educator passes, we only had to pay $65 for Sam's ticket! As long as we took Banner before turned 6, four of us got in for free!

So, on Saturday morning, the big boys were asking for donuts. We said no, and they asked if they could have donuts the next morning. We said no because we wouldn't be home. We then shared that we were going to Sea World in just a couple hours! Banner's eyes lit up... for about at least a few seconds. Then, he said, "I don't want to go. I want to have a sleep over at Brycen and Nami's house." Quinn lit up as soon as Banner lit up. His eyes stayed like that, even though Banner began to pout. He said he would go another time this summer. I was so disappointed. Talk about taking the wind out of a parent's sails! Banner has done this before - gets super excited and then gets upset. Perhaps he has some anxiety about being surprised, and we should learn our lesson and tell him more in advance! Luckily, after some time to think about it, he changed his mind and decided to come with us.

The drive there just about did me in! It was an almost-5-hour drive. Sam drove the whole way, which left me playing chief entertainer and servant to three very busy, demanding boys. I came with an arsenal of activities and felt like I was juggling snacks, toys, games, and activities the entire drive, but truly they did great! We had dry erase boards, markers, and gloves for erasers; we blew bubbles; we did some coloring; Knox and I played catch; we ate lunch; we played with stickers; we watched a couple DVDs that Banner had checked out from the library; each big boy had a scavenger hunt that was really fun for them, and the hit of the ride was a surprise Froot Loop necklace I had made for B and Q the night before. We also introduced the boys to Buccee's for a pit stop, and that was a real treat as well!

Stickers!

"Ball!"

Catch!

Quinn's scavenger hunt - he's getting to be such a great sign reader "do not enter," "exit"

Banner's scavenger hunt - we learned some new words "silo," "cemetery"

First Buccee's trip

Looks like Buccee was hitting Quinn upside the head!

Froot Loop necklaces!

Bubbles!

We arrived in San Antonio around 4:00, and we got settled in the hotel. Hotels are an adventure in and of itself... what a fun time for the kids! Quinn walked in to our room and said, "Where is the microwave and the oven?" He is such a baker in the making! Then we headed to the River Walk for a boat ride. It was hot, and we were tired, but we pushed through and listened to our tour guide tell about lots of history and interesting pieces of information about the river and its surroundings. Then, we ate dinner at Casa Rio, the same restaurant Sam and I had eaten at before the Billy Joel concert in December. This time, the wait for an inside table was nonexistent since so many people wanted to sit outside. The kids ate great, and before we knew it, we had to get back to the hotel for bedtime! Much to our surprise and delight, Knox did great sleeping in his Pack 'n Play, which he hasn't slept in since he was a newborn.

Waiting in line for the River Walk boat... best little way to wrangle three little boys!

Casa Rio.... he couldn't decide if he wanted milk or water, so both!

Water or Sprite?

Sunday morning arrived at 6:35 with Knox waking up long before I would have liked. Once he was up, the other boys were up with excitement about our day ahead! By 7:45, we were downstairs ready for breakfast at the hotel. Then, it was back upstairs to get all of our stuff ready for our Sea World adventure! Knox was pretty cranky by 9:10 when we left for Sea World. I was hoping he would fall asleep on the 30 minute drive there, but no such luck. Poor guy was used to a morning nap around that time, but he wouldn't take it in the car.

(*I never finished this post... Sorry!)

And Another Year Makes SEVEN: Banner's Newsletter

Dear Banner,
I vividly remember when you were 2, 3, and 4 weeks old - in the throes of early motherhood when I had not a CLUE what I was doing, when life was flipped upside down and backwards all at the same time. Night was day; day was night. What I used to do fast became slow and laborious with a new little guy in our lives. Leaving the house took longer than the trip out. And worry was taken to a whole new level. My brain was always on and completely exhausted, my body hurt, my mind raced, and you were just ... you. In some ways, things are very much the same as that time: life with you is always new, and you definitely keep my mind busy with answering questions, worrying about you still, and trying to figure out parenting with you, my firstborn. I've come to learn that this will never change.

One of the greatest things that is different from that time, though, is time itself. I remember wishing away the days until you were 6, 7, 8-weeks old and then 4-, 5-, 6-months-old. That's when I was told reflux would get better. That's when I was told crying would subside. That's when I was told the risk of SIDS would greatly diminish. And time seemed to creep by, as my frustration and anxiety continued while all the questions and "experiments" never seemed to have an ending or conclusions. Yet, now, time seems to speed up and won't slow no matter how much I want it to. Older women always told me to cherish those early days, as they would fly all too quickly. They were right in some ways and wrong in others. I do NOT miss the spit-up and the mid-night wakings and the not knowing what was wrong with my crying infant. But, I do miss the snuggles and the firsts. Those were the days when I learned to become not only A mom, but YOUR mom. I do cherish that. Learning you was hard because I didn't trust myself, and I put too much time and energy into figuring you out, when I just needed to BE with you. Your brothers helped me learn some of these lessons, too, as I got more and more relaxed with each of them. They probably also made me a better mom to YOU, because I learned not to sweat the small stuff and that you would turn out just fine if I would just BE with you.

At SEVEN years old, we are still very much on a journey of discovering who you are and what you need, but you have the ability now to share and talk and let us know what's going on in your head. You are beyond inquisitive. Your questions never stop. You ask the most amazing questions. Your head is always thinking of a gazillion things, and you are not at all afraid to ask about something that's puzzling you. Often times, your questions center around things that are most anxiety-provoking for you: bad guys, tornadoes, storms, fires. Other times, you ask about homelessness, the universe, death, illness, Nazis, wars. Recently, I posted this random assortment of questions you had asked within 24 hours: "Are all planets round? What does conquer mean? Are worm holes real? Do people torture people, and what does that mean to torture someone? Are there really such things as black holes? Can you break a muscle? Is it rare to get growing pains as a grown up? When the world ends, will all galaxies disappear? If we have to brush our teeth to keep them clean, how do the bones inside our bodies get clean? Did you ask all these kinds of questions as a kid?"

I bet I did, but not to the level of intelligence that you seem to have! You're definitely a gifted thinker. You've been in the PACE program for over a year now, and you excel at academics. You have awesome ideas and just seem to "get" the world of literature, math, social studies, and science like I never did so early on. I love that you love to learn. You like to research whatever you are into, and you want answers to everything! You are not shy at the library - to ask the librarians about helping you find books about the Titanic sinking, about World War II, about the newest I Survived... books. It's hard to know how to guide you when I'm just not sure how much you need to know about some of these topics at only first grade! Your reading level and curiosity are far beyond your emotional ability to let it live in your head at this early age, so I grapple with how to handle your quest for understanding of these complex topics. 

It's been hard to remember this year that you were only 6 years old. Your emotional needs and social immaturity can sometimes surprise us - and we have to remind ourselves that you are only 6 - now 7 - and perhaps we're are expecting too much of you. But, cognitively and verbally, you are so advanced that we forget sometimes you need to be explicitly taught how to respond to others, why certain rules apply, how to interact more kindly with your brothers. Most of the issues we experience and are working on are greatly due to ADHD, a diagnosis we confirmed back in August. The story leading to that diagnosis is a whole other post I've been working on, but for now, I'll just say it's something I always suspected, and when you started saying pretty insightful yet concerning things about your own thinking and functioning, we decided to pursue further testing. You took the news of your diagnosis exceptionally well, although the conversation at Cici's was quite humorous given that Daddy probably has ADHD as well! I think I was the only one "there" that night! The discussion itself proved how very real your diagnosis is! But, once we started reading books about kids with ADHD and getting you some help, you realized what you were experiencing isn't uncommon for kids with ADHD and that you aren't alone.

Deciding what to DO about the ADHD has been a complicated part of our year. Do we medicate? Do we trust the feedback - or lack thereof - from teachers? Do we need to do a sleep study too? Do we think the medication is working? Do we take you off of it when you aren't eating and are losing weight? Does the medication really help at all or are we imagining things? What needs to change at home to accommodate your needs? We know this journey dealing with ADHD is not going to be easy, and it's going to continue to throw all of us some curve balls, but as I told you the night we discussed your diagnosis, you are not alone and we are here to do whatever we can to help you.

So, you've been visiting with a psychologist, as have we. You are really working on controlling your impulsivity, and we are really working on controlling our frustrations. We are focusing on redirecting you and teaching you better ways of responding to others. We are constantly working on remembering that you have a true, real medical disability, even if it is so very invisible. It plays tricks on us, Banner, because we see you as a highly functioning kid with such great skills in so many ways. You are one cool, funny, sweet, smart, caring, compassionate, thoughtful kid! It's hard to remember not to yell at you when you are more interested in the clouds during a soccer game as the ball is approaching you. It's hard not to rush you in the morning when we have asked no less than 10 times to brush your teeth already - when you are busy fiddling with any random crumb or knick-knack you find! It's hard not to feel an intense annoyance when homework that should take you 10 minutes takes an hour because you write one letter and then forget what you were writing or start examining the eraser or pick at the pencil lead. Staying on topic, staying on task, finishing a chore, completing a request can be a big challenge for you. You'll often forget what we asked or think you did it, but you didn't. Sometimes you twist what you heard - either purposefully or not. You say things without thinking of how it will affect others - mostly towards Quinn, but sometimes friends. You once told me  in a loud voice while your play date was in the room that you wished your friend would go away to the middle of the ocean and never come back. The social aspect of this disorder is huge, and it cannot be overlooked simply because you don't have to work hard in school. 

Like I said before, you are currently doing very well in school. You don't really have to pay much attention at this point, which is why I worry about you. You have work pile up sometimes, because you aren't finishing what you need to. You miss out on other activities because you didn't finish the work. And, one day the material will get more challenging, and it won't come as easy for you. You will need to work hard and pay attention. So, we march on - trying to help you figure out what will work. But, in the meantime, you are a charming little thing who can weasel his way out of trouble, who will bring me notes home from school that say, "I love you, Mom!" who will draw a rainbow and give it to me when you get home from school, who will want to spend any free time with cousins or at Grandma's house, who will show appreciation and gratitude at the most random moments. (Just a couple weeks ago, you climbed in my bed at 11:15pm and said, "Mommy, do you know what I like more than any gift I get each year on my birthday? A party. Thanks for letting me have a party every year."

And, speaking of party... we celebrated your big day this past Friday. It was a great time and the easiest party I've ever planned! We went to Free Play for your video game themed party, complete with the Nintendo control cake of your choosing. There's nothing you like more than free screen time. Lately, you are into Minecraft, Lego Dimensions, and you sneak Roblox if I'm not watching you (I don't like that game and that you can chat with others we don't know). You could watch other gamers on YouTube all day if I'd let you - which I don't! In fact, this summer Daddy and I have banned hand-held screens (no iPhones, no iPads), and you have to earn your Xbox time with various chores we have added to a chart for you. You have done VERY well with this system so far. You are motivated to complete these tasks (which includes 20 minutes of reading/handwriting each day, clearing the kitchen table, putting shoes away, getting dressed and ready for the day, taking care of your "zone" each day, and completing two randomly selected chore wheel chores). You and Quinn are working hard to get your free time, and so far we are all winning!

Quinn is your buddy and worst enemy rolled into one. He gets on your nerves faster than anyone on the planet, yet he is always a great play mate and helper when you allow it. That boy is so adoring of you, and he just wants your attention. You are just so damn picky about when you give it to him. It's usually all about what is convenient for you. If he can help you find Lego pieces during a play set assembly, he is your guy. But, the minute he wants to help you actually assemble, he is banned from the table as quickly as he was invited. He started sleeping in your bed while Daddy was campaigning this year for US Congress. It was easier for me to put you two to bed together, so we started that and it's continued on because you LOVE having a room mate in there with you. But, if he gets on your side of the bed or won't stop talking, you HATE having him in there. You won't let him pick the song in the car or choose which show to watch or even hold the darn remote... but the minute you need to go upstairs to get something, he's your best pal and you need him to come with you (because you hate going anywhere by yourself, especially upstairs). If he needs you to come with him, forget it. He's on his own. If he went to a party and got a favor, you cry when he won't share... until he does. If YOU go to a party and get a favor, there will be NO sharing whatsoever and he will cry the rest of the afternoon. It's all typical sibling stuff, but man is it draining!

You speak baby-talk to Knox, even though we've asked you not to many times. But, you see him as a creature to help and still celebrate his successes. You pretty much adore him and he adores you. Yet, if he takes your things or won't leave you alone when you are playing a game or watching a show, you are quick to yell at him. "No, Knox!" I'm used to hearing you demand. Usually he is easy to redirect, but you just don't know how much those two little brothers of yours want your undivided attention.

I'm the same as them, Banner. I want your undivided attention. It's hard to get sometimes, but it's true. You are amazing. When we get time together where you are just IN it with me, we thrive. It's when the other minutia of the day gets in the way that the chaos ensues. My most favorite times with you are on our special dates (like Six Flags or Thunderbird skating) or at the very end of the day when you are going to sleep and those sweet thoughts start unrolling. We get to hold hands and just be. We get to snuggle and sing and think of the happiest thoughts. We get to think about whether Fontina will come that night if you've lost a tooth (you're up to 6 gone right now and one loose one up top). We send silly text messages to Grandma or Aunt Kira or ask Siri silly questions. You tell me about someone who bothered you or what you're most looking forward to the next day. You reveal what questions are on your mind or what you are worried about. It's in those moments that we reconnect and get to remember that what's really important is not how many times I asked you to put your shoes away or how long we argued over your handwriting; it's that we are in the moment together, paying attention to each other, loving our time together and knowing we can trust each other to always be there. I just want to BE with you. I have always longed to just BE with you. And when I look back at those early weeks of your life, sometimes I wish I could have a do-over. I would go back and do it right, do it better. I say that with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face because I truly wish I could give us both a better start early on. Yet, I know we don't get a do-over. So, I want to make every day with you right the first time. Forgive me, though, my sweet Angel Baby. Every day I'm learning with you, and I'm doing the best I can.

Last night, you spiked a high fever. Yes, you got sick on your birthday after an early morning soccer game, a donut breakfast, a day at the park downtown with a food truck lunch and a snow cone to top it off, a visit to the museum, and then Landry's party at the splash park. You were lethargic and hot and declining cupcakes! You had 103.2 fever, the highest you've ever had. And, thus, worrying began. Some things will never change. No matter where you are, what you do, who you're with, how old you get... I will worry about you. That's my job and my honor - to be the one who will always worry about you. Seven years later, and I still wish I had all the answers, still wish I knew the exact thing to say or do. . . just wish time would slow down for all of that to happen!

Banner Boone, I love you more than you will ever know. And even though you will argue that you love me more, it certainly just can't be possible. I have loved being your mommy, and I'm grateful for this date, June 9th, that brought you to me and made me your mommy. I wish you a very happy birthday! I hope you feel better soon so you can get on with the start of your 8th year with health, happiness, laughter, learning, strength, friendships, fun, and lots of love!

Happy 7th Birthday, Angel Baby!
I love you!
Forever & Always,
Mommy

Jillian, Josie, & Evie

Landon, Smith, Banner, Alex

Michelle

We read your "I Believe" before you went to sleep.
I tucked you in and whispered, "I will always love you,  my six-year-old."

 

I snapped this picture of you - your first night as a 7-year-old.
You can see you are sweating, trying to break that fever. 😟

Favorite 7th Year Memories: Banner

-Our zoo date - the Kona Ice truck, the bees, the fear, the running

-After camp one day (2017), you told me it's bad to put up your middle finger by itself. You said, "Never do that!" I asked who you who you heard that from, and you said Teddy. I asked what it means, and you said, "I have no idea, but it's really bad and someone might tell on you!"

-The night Knox wore a Darth Vader two-piece pajama set for the first time, you said, "He's a real boy. He looks like one of us!"

-"Do you know that f-u-c-k spells a bad word? It means you don't like God. And you should never say, 'What the fuck!?' because that means double you don't like God." (November)

-Walking along the chain link fence and hugs at the end as you walk home from school

-When you helped Knox at Yesterland Farm on his first ride even though you wanted to ride the roller coaster again

-Dancing on New Year's Eve to our own countdown

-Keeping track of how much I owe you at your soccer games. Our plan was you'd earn 50 cents every time you made purposeful contact with the ball and actual dollars when you scored. The face you made when you actually scored a goal! $5!!!!

-Our date with Daddy to Medieval Times (on Break the Fast evening of Yom Kippur). "GO RED KNIGHT!!" Our Knight won, and we had so much fun cheering him on!

-Helping in your class for the Winter Break party in Mrs. Marks' class.

-The log ride and Roaring Rapids at Six Flags a few weeks ago.

-The picture day you insisted on wearing a coat and tie - with Daddy's Batman tie clip. I thought I'd have to talk you into wearing nice clothes - not talk you OUT of wearing formal clothes!!

First Last Day of School: Knox

Dear Knox,
Today was your last day of your very first year of school. As a teacher and a counselor, obviously education is important to me, so I want to reflect on all that you've learned this year before it slips away from my memory of you at this exact time. When we started the year, I felt the same way I did when each of your brothers began their first year of school. I was anxious for you to begin, to head out into the world away from the familiar faces you'd seen every single day since the day you were born. If you weren't with Daddy or me, you were with Grandma or BeeBee (or Aunt Kira or NaNa or Aunt Gayle). Starting school meant you'd be in a brand new place with new people to know and rely on. We were so fortunate to have caretakers jump at the chance to help us with your first year and a half so you never had to go to a daycare or have a babysitter you didn't know. You bonded with BeeBee and Grandma so well, and you are still very close with each of them since you got such special time with them as an infant - and even this year when they'd pick you up from school.

What upset me more than anything was that I would miss your first day of school. I had to work that day, and looking back, I realize that was a mistake for me. It was completely avoidable in hindsight, and I promise I won't let that happen again. I love that I have a job that allows me time to be with you boys on those important days, and the fact that I missed yours makes me sad. In all honesty, I was so sure you'd be okay given how very excited you would be at taking Quinn and Banner to camp last summer and taking Quinn to school the whole year before that. You'd want to stay and play with toys as soon as you were up and walking. I can see you now - in your pajamas you'd drag your footsies behind your unzipped sleep clothes (ready for nap when we would drive right back home around 9:00 after leaving Quinn at school). When it was finally your turn to stay at school, I thought you'd be fine. Daddy took you that morning, and he said it was not easy for either of you. The next several weeks were rough at drop-off. You attended school only on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, so there wasn't a whole lot of consistency in your week. Wednesdays were with Grandma until January, when we added that third morning to your school schedule.

Luckily, it didn't take until January for you to feel more comfortable at drop-off. You were crying less and less, and eventually, by October-ish, you were happy at school and did much better for Daddy at drop-off. First semester was also hard for me because I was never the one to pick you up. I got all my news and updates about how you were doing from BeeBee, Grandma, and Daddy, and I never really got to see you in your classroom. When we added Wednesdays (my half-day at work), I was able to be the one to pick you up, and I LOVED being able to see you quietly reading on the carpet or playing with a friend or being silly with a toy or having your diaper changed or listening to a story... I'd sneak up so you couldn't see me just yet, and I'd watch you - so happy. Then, you'd notice I was there, and you'd shout, "Mommy!!!" More recently, you've been saying, "MY Mommy!!! Mommy's heyah!" You light up and jump up and down and run to me - ready go give a big hug.

Throughout the year, you've grown in so many ways - physically of course, yes. But, socially you've done so well. One of your teachers told me the other day, "I don't think he's ever done anything wrong. I've never had to get on to him about anything." Another teacher said, "He has the BEST personality!" and another said, "His facial expressions are awesome!" You are Mr. Social in that classroom, and I love that you have made friends and play nicely with them! You've also grown so close with your teachers, and I'm excited that you'll be able to stay with those teachers both this summer at camp and next school year when they move up to the TWOS class with you! You've grown especially close to Ms. Hani. She adores you so, and you are quite in love with her. There have been MANY, MANY times throughout the year when you will come up to me saying, "Hani, Hani!" then realize what you're saying and change it to "Mommy, Mommy!" I actually like this; it tells me you trust her and rely on her help when you need it. It makes my heart happy to know you feel safe and cared for when away from us.

You're still weary of change and do not want to go to school on days when I drop-off. Since it's not in your schema to have me be the one to take you, you do not like to separate from me. Even last night, at your celebration event, we were instructed to take students to their regular classroom before your presentation. You immediately started crying - because I was the one taking you AND because it was the evening. It was so not your routine, so you were not having it. That only made matters worse when it was time to sing in front of the large audience. You immediately cried (as you did at the Mother's Day performance), and we held hands through the song to help you. I don't blame you - I wouldn't want all those eyes on me either (ironically, thanks to your meltdown, you and I had eyes on both of us)! But there have been a couple of days - today included, when I got to take you to school through carpool, and you proved Daddy right that you happily go in the building with Quinn and a teacher while waving goodbye. My favorite was over my spring break when I got to take you and Quinn, and as you got out of the car, you waved to me, "Bye Mommy! Bye!!"

You are one perfect Knox. You do you so well, and I love that you have grown into such a confident little boy as you learn to be a student and "play school" so well. I'm grateful to your teachers for being there for both of us this school year, for guiding you and watching you and taking care of our boy when we are away! I'm grateful to your little buddies at school who seem to respect you and you them. I'm glad you and Quinn have each other at school. I'm glad you love learning! Keep doing it, my sweet Knox Morgan. Here's to many more amazing years in school - each one wrapped up with smiles, reflection, and appreciation.

I love you, Baby Love!
Love,
Mommy

Politics, as Usual

Tuesday night was the disappointing conclusion of a year's worth of campaigning. While Sam didn't announce his candidacy for the Democratic primary for US Congress until July, we began discussions about this specific position in mid-March 2017. By May, we had pretty much made the decision that it was a good one and spent June preparing to announce the candidacy on July 5th. His campaign team grew and grew, and volunteers started lining up. It was a road full of ups and downs, a long journey of learning and figuring out what this whole public office might really mean. It meant a lot of time away from home, a significant amount of time away from Sam's typical work demands which meant a lot of time NOT given to clients and billable hours, a great deal of "call time" where he would make calls to any and every person he knew trying to get their financial support to run his campaign, weekends spent block walking or phone banking to reach out to voters, and a lot of preparation for candidate forums, "debates" (no one actually ever disagreed with each other!), and speaking engagements. For me personally, his candidacy meant a lot of censoring impulsive reactions to any negativity.

For instance, Sam asked me to join a few different Facebook groups to be able to share his posts with various groups. From time to time, the (mostly) women in the groups were exceptionally rude and negative. They only wanted their candidate to win - even though every candidate in his race seemed to feel passionately the same about every issue raised. Running against other Democrats seemed difficult because fundamentally we all believe the same things and have the same ideas for what needs to change at the federal level. Women would respond with such comments like, "Why would I vote for a man when a qualified woman is running?" I was asked (not by Sam, by the way) not to react to such comments, which went against everything I felt inside, because my immediate (and not-so-immediate) response is, "How dare you say something so sexist. Can you imagine a man saying, 'Why would I vote for a woman when a qualified man is running?' How truly anti-feminist." As a mother of three boys, my job is also to allow them equal opportunity to be heard, seen, and valued. Just because they don't have vaginas doesn't mean they are less than. I've been a feminist as long as I can remember, and I raise my sons to be feminists, too. This comment goes against what feminism preaches - equality for both sexes - not simply the promotion of women.  I've been told this is the year of the woman. Great! I am all for more women in government and in positions of power and decision-making. But, it's not time to completely disregard men or treat them as women have been treated for centuries. It's not an "eye for an eye" mentality, it's not about punishing men, and it's not about swinging the pendulum to the complete opposite side where men become undeserving. It's about leveling this unequal playing field but without putting one sex ahead of the other.

Also, Sam's candidacy meant putting our family in a public arena, where our privacy was sacrificed a great deal. Now that the campaign is over, I can share that we had a couple threatening comments made on a YouTube posting. It was quite scary and disturbing, and as a mother, it was difficult to not demand my husband drop out of the campaign altogether. Remarks using words like "murder in the cradle" and "the whole family should hang" were not easy to read and let go of. My own mom continued to check in on us during that hectic week of the remarks we reported to the police and the ADL for the hateful speech by a person with a swastika emblem in his profile picture.

Another problem we faced was the response (or lack of response) from family and friends. Some family members flat out said they won't support Sam and were shocked that Sam would even call for a donation. Of course, that was right in the beginning of the campaign, when Sam was just getting his feet wet and trying out his newfound "call time" skills. How discouraging this was, to get such an ugly reaction from people in my family. My heart broke for Sam, knowing how hurt he was by these few people. Then, there are the friends who either never responded to his calls, never lifted a finger to help block walk or phone bank or attend an event or donate a penny. There were times we were feeling like, "What the hell are we doing thinking we can motivate complete strangers if we can't even motivate our friends to do a damn thing!?" These times helped us see who true friends are and aren't, and unfortunately some ties have been strained. I always tried to look at it in a different way. Perhaps these friends disagree with Sam's politics. Perhaps they are Republicans and don't know how to tell you; Lord knows it would certainly be hard for me to volunteer my money or time to a Republican campaign no matter who was running. But, open communication would have been nice. It would have been kinder for friends to simply say, "Buddy, I wish I could donate/volunteer/vote for you, but I'm a Republican and just can't." We would have completely understood that. Avoiding us or being unresponsive has genuinely felt so awful.

Look, I'm just being honest. This is a perspective you seldom get to hear about because it's rare to know someone who runs for office. Those who promised to vote and didn't, those who promised to do anything they could to help and didn't - that hurt. We could have used your help. Sam could have used your vote. And I implore you to change - get out there and become more active. It's not that we are spying on you, but candidates pay for access to Voter Activation Network (VAN) where information is given about the elections you have voted in (what year, what primary). They can't see what you voted, but they can see which primary (Democrat or Republican). That information is so helpful in informing how candidates proceed - whether they knock on your door or reach out to you on a phone bank call. We didn't think we were going to have to phone bank our own friends! But, lack of motivation to get out there and vote for a friend frustrated us, and as I'm sure you can imagine when people told us they voted and there is proof they didn't, it's hard to reconcile that. We have felt so defeated by that.  On the other hand, there have been Republican family members and friends who actually showed up for Sam. They know Sam and know he would represent them well, even if they didn't typically support the same type of policies. They knew Sam would listen, and they knew he is a man of integrity and decency. There were difficult calls Sam would make to friends he knew would certainly be unwilling to support him, but he did it anyway. One Republican friend responded to Sam's request for a donation with: "Of course I'll donate! What good is money if you can't use it to help friends?"

Sam's candidacy meant a lot of hypothetical discussion about what our family would do if he really won the campaign in November. It was silly to think about so far in advance, because the chances of a Democrat winning this area are slim to none, but I want to believe it CAN be done. I was willing to give it a good try, and after investing so much time, money, energy, and time away from Sam, it's hard to feel good about him NOT winning - when I truly believe Sam was our district's best chance to actually win against a Republican candidate. He was winning over Republican voters in the March primary already. But, as results clearly indicate, he wasn't doing enough to motivate Democratic voters to support him.

Our efforts came to a screeching halt Tuesday night when the large majority of voters did NOT vote for Sam. That's when the anger started boiling. It wasn't so much about him not winning, it was more about the lack of voter turn out and the discrepancy between his opponent's percentage of votes vs. Sam's. All the sacrifices, and it wasn't even CLOSE. I have since learned the tactic being used by his opponent to reach out to voters - and while I don't judge the tactic itself, my mama heart really hurts for my boys who didn't have their daddy around for so many evenings and weekends because he was utilizing much more laborious efforts compared to his opponent. There was no way Sam and his team could have competed with the services being provided to his opponent, and the opposing team knew it. It's hard to stomach that, and I've cried a little at the loss of time, the hard work I witnessed, and the frustration Sam was enduring - while I was at home trying my best to hold down the fort and not scream at my three little babies who were driving me nuts during bedtime, bath time, dinner time, homework time, etc etc... while I was completely alone. Knowing what I know now only makes me feel so utterly defeated. Again, the support the opposing campaign was receiving isn't necessarily wrong or improper, I guess I just wish there was a way we could have been told that we simply couldn't get the resources they were utilizing. Would Sam have dropped out? Probably not, but I might have been able to stomach the news better and not felt so dumped on.

The thing I haven't really been able to say is that last night's victor is amazing... and if my husband weren't her opponent, I surely would have voted for her... (well, to be truthful, I wouldn't have voted in the primary at all because I never have before this year). The problem is I'm worried she can't win in November. And, that's a problem with the Democratic party. In November, when she runs against a Republican, she will have a hard time getting conservative voters to change to voting for a Democrat -just like Sam would have. A district like ours that has been red for decades is not going to switch suddenly to blue without putting a candidate in the race who is likely to win over Republican voters. That has GOT to happen, and I'm worried it won't. I wasn't as worried with Sam because I have witnessed him getting Republican votes already.  I really fuckin' want her to win. All OUR hard work will feel even more squandered if she can't pull this off. When it came to determining if Sam should even run, we honestly didn't care who won, as long as a Democrat won. Sam putting his name in the hat, at such an opportune time, seemed (and still seems) like perfect timing, but the passion was all about a Democrat helping bring back morality to Washington. And, damn, I really hope we Dems can pull that off!

Like I've said before, motivating Democrats to vote is like encouraging a sloth to run in molasses. It's nearly impossible, and you'll wait all day for it to happen, and it likely won't. We have so much to lose if that doesn't change. I don't know what to say to get you to vote, to get you to care, to get you to take action. I believe most people are Democratic-minded, but we tend to believe our vote doesn't matter or that someone else will do our bidding. That is so not true. I implore you to get more politically active, to support a cause, to fucking VOTE. Especially in this mid-term election when Republicans are banking on Democrats not showing up to the polls, we have to take the 2 minutes it takes (TWO MINUTES FOR GOD'S SAKE!) to drive to the library or rec center and SHOW UP! Make your voices heard. Educate yourself on who is running and know they could use your help - because they are dealing with SO much more than you could ever know: family and friends who turn on them, death threats, time away from their loved ones, their own financial sacrifices, and opponents who may or may not be playing fairly.

Love the Marriott sign immediately above my head.
That's the hotel where we were married.

I know I've said some pretty awful things. Truth hurts. This is my perspective, and I am not going to apologize for it. I will say that I'm whole-heartedly backing the candidate who won. I wish the outcome had been different... ehhhh, well, at least I say that today when it's still a fresh disappointment. Truth is, I never really wanted to be a political figure's wife. In more ways than not, I'm thrilled Sam lost - so I can have my husband back and my kids can have their father. My kids are too young to have Daddy gone so much - especially a daddy who shares equal responsibility and delight in raising them. We can catch up on all our shows, clean out our garage, drive with anonymity again (and not worry about the repercussions of cutting someone off!), plan a vacation, spend time with friends as a couple, and start billing clients again! Life will return to normal, and I cannot wait for that. In time, perhaps when our kids are a little older, I'll be back on the campaign trail with Sam. Who knows? Maybe next time it will be MY name on the ballot! :)
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