Damon Raif and his Warrior Mother

I've experienced giving birth. It was an experience like no other, and of course I will remember these three very different experiences forever. Although I was able to watch my third baby come out of my womb through a clear (but slightly blurry) plastic drape, there was nothing "natural" about the way my babies came into the world - even though that's what I desperately wanted. My babies were all delivered behind a sterile curtain, with doctors and nurses all around, in a freezing operating room where I was constricted by cords and wires and complete lack of control over my own body due to anesthesia. I wanted no medicine. I wanted no intervention. I wanted to push my baby out on my own, without someone else taking him from my body. But, that's not how that first delivery went down. A variety of circumstances (a doctor who said my blood pressure was rising even though it was still in the normal range, an induced labor, slow progress, a baby who was facing the "wrong" direction, a baby whose head was compressing the umbilical cord during contractions and therefore causing a lowering heart rate ...) led us to a fast C-section before I even really understood what was really going on. My first birth experience left me mourning the natural delivery I wanted, and I was angry and frustrated at the way things progressed in the first week of my newborn's life. If I could get those first couple of weeks back, I would redo them so differently, and I would have been a better mommy to my first baby. There's nothing sadder than wanting a redo of how to be there for your baby and feeling like you didn't love that baby the right way immediately. But, I've had to forgive myself for that and move forward knowing better and doing better. Before my 2-week postpartum check up with my firstborn, I had come to the realization that it doesn't matter how you give birth, as long as you end up with a baby! I ended up thanking my doctor and appreciating the choices he made, because I did end up okay, and my baby was perfect!

A miracle had happened - and it happened for me 3 times! THREE times, I had a baby come through my body. And, I've come to understand that there is no delivery that is easy, there is no delivery that is "better" or "worse" than another, and all women and all births are miraculous. Yes, I know women give birth every day all over the globe. It happens again and again. But, when it happens to YOU... OH MY GOD, it leaves you with a sense of awe and the greatest high.

My sister had a completely different experience when she gave birth to her first child. Our deliveries could not have been more opposite of each other. Kira had Levi fast. She went into labor a week and a half early, with water breaking on its own. Two or three hours later, she delivered her son without any pain medicine, in a tub of water, with a midwife present. Her husband cut the cord, her baby nursed right away, and she was able to move about much sooner than I could have fathomed. While I was jealous that I didn't have the same experience, there was never any resentment on my part. I was so glad that she had the delivery she had wanted. I knew she had learned from my experiences not to get her hopes up that it could happen that way, but she also tried to do everything she could to try to ensure that her wishes were met.

So, of course, when she was pregnant with her second child, she wanted to try for the exact same delivery. This time, she hoped there would be enough time for me to be able to attend the birth. I was beyond excited at the possibility that I could be in the room with her - to witness the birth of my niece or nephew. My brother and my father are OB/GYNs, and although I've seen my dad deliver babies via C-section, I never sat in on a vaginal birth. And, although I had seen some on video from my own child birthing classes, being in the room with a woman giving birth had never happened for me.  I was anxious it wouldn't happen this way, though. With three kids and a job, the stars were going to have to align for the timing to work out where I could leave pretty quickly after knowing she was in labor. Knowing how quickly she delivered her first baby, timing was of the essence. And, how sweet it was when we got the call from my brother-in-law on the Sunday morning of Memorial Day weekend! No work, Sam was home, it was mid-morning, and we had the whole day ahead of us!

It was raining pretty hard, and we would be taking care of my nephew while his mommy was in labor. I wasn't sure if I should go to the hospital or not. My mom kept texting she didn't know what to tell me. Sam said to just go, but I didn't want to be in the way. I wasn't sure if my brother-in-law knew Kira wanted me there or what they had decided, so I was uncertain about going. But, then I got a text from my mom that said, "Just come. She wants you to be here." And, 28 minutes later, I walked through her labor and delivery room, where she was already 9 cm dilated. Only a few minutes passed before Kira said she felt like she needed to push. Her midwife said go ahead and give it a try, and within a few more pushes, that baby was well on his way into the world! As hospital policy would have it, Kira should have gotten out of the tub at that point, but her midwife could feel the baby's head already starting to come out. Maybe two more pushes later, and there was another person in the world that hadn't been there seconds before!

Oh my goodness, what an experience! What a gift to be there for that moment when that baby was lifted from the water and placed on Kira's chest as she relaxed into the back of the tub with this new being resting on her. They'd both worked so hard, and their labor was much rewarded in that moment of exhausted relief. After a bit of rubbing and suctioning, the nurse helped lift the baby's leg back, and we were able to see that I had another NEPHEW! We sure do make some amazing little boys in this family, and here is another one! I swore this one would be a girl, but nope! Levi is a big brother to a little brother, and Kira and I are both "boy moms." As much as I was (only slightly) hoping for a girl, I have to say, any visions of my nonexistent niece immediately vanished without a disappointment in the world! What I had just witnessed was so amazingly cool, and here was this little baby who was meant to be a part of this family, and he was healthy and strong and crying and BIG! Like, really big! In fact, the nurses were all guessing he was at or close to 9 pounds, but when they weighed him and saw 10 pounds, 5 ounces flash on the scale screen, everyone was in shock! Erick seemed to be in awe of Kira's labor of love and how gracefully she brought his son into the world. I couldn't agree more. I later told Kira she made that delivery look like she'd done this a million times. She seemed to know her body so well, to know how to handle her pain, to embrace the natural progression of, well, everything!

I could go on and on about the rest of that day .... how Kira held the baby as she stepped out of the tub with the cord still in tact before delivering the placenta once settled in bed, how nursing went pretty smoothly, how Levi came to meet his little brother and the smiles he showed were ones of true excitement, awe, love, and pride, and how Mom and I found out the baby's name: Damon Raif and the beauty of the meaning of each name and for whom each name represents. But, those stories are for Kira to tell. The one I wanted to tell tonight is of how proud I am of my little sister. It's been a few days, and I'm still in a state of excitement over having been a part of Damon's debut. Kira and I gave birth to our boys in very different ways with a very different set of circumstances. I do C-sections - and as much as there was a very tiny part of me that wished she could identify with what I went through to deliver my babies... she does unmedicated, vaginal water births. And she does them WELL! And either way is okay. She worked really hard to get those babies out of her. I worked really hard to recover from the aftermath of my deliveries. There is nothing like watching those new lives come out of a body. There is nothing like witnessing a piece of a woman - her little "heart walking  around outside" her body - come into the world to start a journey of life. But, geez... all week long I've been waiting to publish this blog post  - not just to celebrate the birth of Damon, but to also shout to the world, "My sister is a fucking warrior!"

Kira, I'm so very proud of you! Thank you and Erick for letting me be a part of Damon's big entrance! I hope these photos are at least some token of my appreciation!

15-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
This one snuck up on me big time! Before I knew it, May 15th had come and gone, and I didn't even know that I had kissed my 14-month-old goodnight for the last time before realizing the date after you had gone to sleep. My heart broke a little that I didn't mentally acknowledge it, and I feel like for the first time, your third-child status snuck in to my absent-mindedness of the details of your age. I know, I'm being too hard on myself, but each month is a milestone still, and you are learning and growing at a super-fast speed, so I want to be in the moment and savor it as it comes! But, life is fast, and things are happening, and we are busy - oh so busy! But, we did wish you a happy 15-month birthday yesterday. And, I did write this post on your actual 15-month birthday... but I purposefully waited to post it until today in order to await the details of your 15-month well-check. So, although it went unnoticed in the final moments of your last day as a 14-month-old, it is certainly not forgotten that we're a quarter-way through your second trip around the sun.

So, what have you been up to this month?

-Climbing and more climbing! You're a pro at the stairs. You love perching up on stools. You've mastered getting up on every couch (and LOVE our new one!) in the house. Last night, you even mastered climbing up on the chair in the waiting area of our new swim school - and it was a tall chair!

-You are a dancing machine!! You dig a good tune. You have great rhythm when you dance, too! You like to copy Quinn's break dancing. You've been trying to hum along or attempt singing! I love this!

-You still love your bottles, but you so don't need them. I'm dragging my feet on dropping them altogether, but I've offered no bottles during the middle of the day - only in the morning and at night. But, you get so excited when you see your bottle, that it's hard to drop it! Mommy is such a push-over!

-You haven't really added any words this month, but you are solidifying the ones you have. You've been attempting "Banner," but it doesn't sound much different than "Baaaer" or other "Baahhh" words - which can often be "bottle"  or "ball" too. But, it's definitely clear when you are calling him. You continue to say "more," "up," "all done," "I did it!," "Dada," "bye-bye," "ball," and are able to now say "Hayla," too! You certainly like to babble and pretend to have a full conversation, and you make your needs and wants known pretty clearly. You point, you make us follow you, you look at what you want. You pucker your face up and furrow your brow if you don't like something, and you whine when you are not happy - although mostly it's a fake whine.

-You by the numbers:

• 19-20 months - your developmental age! Mr. Smarty Pants!
• 24.5 pounds - your weight, which is the 75th percentile
• 31 7/8 inches - your height, which is the 75th percentile
• 47 cm is your head size, which is the 55th percentile
• Size 4 diapers - coming to an end, though! I've stopped ordering those, and we're ready to finish those off and start the big stash of 5's we have left-over from Quinn's last diaper deliveries nearly a year ago! 
• Size 18 month clothes - but starting to get snug on you!
• 4 pacifiers - all purple, all equally loved!
• 2 naps (more on this below)
• 5 teeth - but an upper one on the way

-My goal is to get you through the rest of May and part of June on 2 naps a day still. Then, I'd like to phase those out your morning nap by mid-June.

Knox Morgan, I am so smitten with you. I CANNOT WAIT until summer when you and I will get some extra extra-special time together without big brothers around, with uninterrupted, napless mornings, with fun new experiences I have planned for you! I cannot wait to explore the world through YOUR eyes, just like I did with Banner and with Quinn when it was just B or just Q and me! I savor that one-on-one time with my boys. I relish in the newness of the cool stuff we will get to do without the rush to get you home for a morning nap and then an afternoon nap. Many parents dread the days their kids drop a nap, but me... I'm so ready! World, here we come this summer! Camp Mommy is going to be a blast!

As we move into the next month, our busy-ness will not end! Neither will my love for you! I'm so happy to be your Ma-Ma!

Happy 15 Months, Knoxipoo!
Oh, Baby Love, how I love loving you!
Love,
Mommy

14-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
Last night, I went back and reread each post to Banner and Quinn on their 14-month birthdays. Oh, how similar you all are! At 14-months old, you are all about the same developmentally, with one big exception of the number of words you have. I'm thinking that as a third child, you just can't get a word in! While you may have had more words earlier on, we haven't seen any growth in this area this month. That could be because you had an ear infection that lingered for most of the month. It could be because you are so focused on your receptive language, or it could be that your brothers set the bar pretty high. I'm not concerned at all, Baby Love. You have a good 8 words/phrases (ball, here, more, up, bye bye, hi, Dada, all done, "I did it!") which is still perfectly on track developmentally. But.... I will be focusing on this more this month and making more of an effort to hearing you say more words - and not letting your brothers talk for you!

What else are you up to this month?

-You love putting things around your neck and shoulders. You'll see a pair of big brother's pajama bottoms, and you'll swing them back around your neck like a man throwing a towel around his shoulders at the gym. You do this with kitchen towels, charging cords, toy stethoscopes, etc...

-You had a cold (with pink eye) that turned into an ear infection. After one round of amoxicillin, you were doing better for about two days, but on the (Friday) night that Daddy left for Tennessee to say a final goodbye to Papaw, you had the worst night of your life - and mine!  :( We were up until about 3:30am - and nothing I did helped you sleep better. If you did fall asleep, you'd wake up the next time you moved, about 30-45 minutes later (just in time for me to have fallen to sleep for a few minutes and then feel like I'd been hit by a train when you'd wake me again). Around 2:30am when I realized that the doctor's office had Saturday hours, I was relieved that I could take you to the doctor as soon as they opened - and not have to wait for our Monday recheck appointment. Sure enough, ear infection was still there! We began another round of antibiotics (this time, omnicef) and another round of eye ointment to help with lingering pink eye. I'm still not sure that ANY of that ointment ever made it into your eyes; I'm glad that 10 day treatment is done. As of two days ago, your ears were clear, and we're hoping they stay that way!

-You're climbing on everything. Your favorite is stools around the house. The problem is, you're not so sure about how to get down.  You've mastered getting on and off the couch, though! So, that's helpful!

-Hugs!! You're in to giving hugs to your brothers and to us. I love playing a game with you, where you run away from me, then turn around and run back to give me a big hug when I say "HUG!!" You also "lay keppe" when I pick you up from the crib after nap - and I LOVE those special cuddles. One day, you were following Quinn out of the kitchen and leaning towards his back with open arms. I said, "Quinn, I think Knox is trying to give you a hug." So, he turned around and you two hugged each other for a while. I was on the phone with Grandma at the time, and I interrupted our conversation to tell her how my heart was melting right then. Definitely a favorite memory!!

-This month you had your first haircut, too! A trim really, but those locks that once curled up behind your ears are gone. I actually cut the first curl (the famous one that you were born with behind your right ear) and put it in your baby book. Your hair is still so fine and shiny; it was hard to do. But, I think you were sick of it getting in your way, so Ms. Tia came and evened it all out.

-We had 2 Passover seders this month, celebrated Nami's 4th birthday, attended Banner's Kindergarten performance, went to Yesterland Farm (and you skipped an afternoon nap), and we spent a lot of time at Grandma & Papa's when our water heater pipe started spraying water all over the attack and left us with quite a bit of damage in the house.

-You have mastered "fish face." You sign "more" with your hands (by pointing your index finger on your open palm - your own variation of the regular sign). You like to carry around a baby doll from time to time - and you sometimes repeat "Bae" for "baby."  You've discovered that you can squeal and scream at the dinner table - much to your brothers' delight. You can show us where your eyes and nose are, and Grandma has been working with you on putting your hand on your chest to show "love," and "Knox."

-You adore: Yo Gabba Gabba, Froot Loops or Apple Jacks, your pacifiers, Daddy, screens, brushing your teeth, being outside, bubbles, sucking on an apple or pear slice, spilling your bottle everywhere, getting into the dishwasher and the pantry, holding the remote controls, and dancing.

-You got your MMR shot this past week. We skipped it at your 12-month check-up because Mommy's weird like that. But, after a mumps outbreak, we decided to go ahead and get it while in the office for your ear infection recheck instead of waiting until your next check up.

-You've begun to have some separation anxiety when Daddy or I leave - or Grandma or BeeBee. You don't like to say goodbye, but sometimes I think it's really that we won't let you follow the person out the door. You'd rather walk down the sidewalk or into the garage with the person leaving, so it could be that part, too. You used to stop at the threshold and wave and say "bye-bye," but now you gladly walk right over that threshold and start walking the person out. Although you hate to see us leave, you are also easily distracted and easily calmed.

Knox Morgan, I am so in love with your personality. You are one cool little boy! You're so much fun and love to laugh, but you don't give out those laughs for free. That part of you reminds me of Banner. You're pretty serious, but when something tickles or when you find something pretty humorous, you love to laugh and giggle. You like a good game of peek-a-boo, you are enamored with whatever your big brothers are doing, you seem to year for their attention, and you love to just be held.  You are curious - always wanting to see what we are doing, what we're cooking, where we are... and I love that you're my little sidekick (most of the time... making dinner it difficult with you in my arms, but that doesn't mean I love you any less!).

Can't wait to see what this next month brings - and to hear some new words and sounds coming our way!

I love you so much, Baby Love!
Happy 14-Months!
Love,
Mommy

You LOVE spaghetti night!

Ear Infection selfie  

Fish face

Yesterland Farm

Getting a haircut....

See... just a trim

Passover seder night

The Kindergarten Highlight

On the very first day that Banner walked in to his new elementary school to meet his Kindergarten teacher, he asked Mrs. Brown if the class would be going on a field trip to the zoo this year. She said they would be, and Banner was so excited. That made his day! He couldn't wait. Fast-forward 7 and a half months later, and the big week of the zoo field trip was here!! It was a busy week, although the beginning of it was slow. Quinn had come down with a fever a week after Knox was diagnosed with an ear infection 11 days after he developed cold symptoms. It had been a few weeks of heightened pollen counts and all of our allergies were out of whack. But, Banner, true to his healthy self, remained well and untouched by the cold that was going through the house.

The end of the week was filled with several exciting activities for Banner: a swim meet, a Kindergarten performance, and of course, the zoo field trip. Wednesday night, Banner felt warm to me. He had a mild fever - not really even a fever. But, the next morning, he did have a true fever, although he was acting perfectly fine. Quinn was finally well enough to go to school, but I decided to keep Banner home (with Grandma since I had to work) in the hopes that a little rest would do him some good and maybe he could recharge for the excitement that he'd been looking forward to.

By the end of the day, with the help of some meds and some TLC, Banner didn't have fever anymore. He continued to cough a lot, but we decided he would be fine to attend the Kindergarten show he had worked so hard on at school for the past month ... and had paid "practice academy" consequences for while talking through many of the rehearsals. His grade level and teachers were depending on him to be there to deliver his line and to sing with them! So, the show went on, and he did amazing! Grandma, Papa, Big Boss, Aunt Kira, and Levi came to cheer Banner on, and they were all super impressed with the great job that these little kids did at their performance. 

In addition to the company that came to make his event so special, the songs that were sung seemed to have been hand-picked for our family! The first song was "Your'e a Grand Old Flag," which Grandma has always sung with her grandkids in the summer as all the 4th of July flags fly high. She used to play a game with Caden & Mara when they were little bitty: every time they saw an American flag, they began to sing the song. Every time they saw a different flag, they would start over from the top, even if they hadn't completed the first round. With so many flags, they would start the song over and over and over again without making much progress into the song before having to restart, and before long, everyone was laughing. Well, that game has continued to be played with my boys, too, and they've pretty much memorized the entire song early on because of this game.

The second song was "Bushel and a Peck," a song my mother always sang to me when I was little and a song I sing to my kids still. Again, Banner already knew the words to this song from an early age, so it was so fitting to see my big boy up there reviewing this song that we've sung since he was an infant. The third song was a Spanish song, and it's the same song he used to sing in pre-school Spanish class! Then, Banner delivered his line beautifully. He spoke clearly and loudly and looked at the audience! It was an awkward line he was given: "We know that with all of our friends from other countries, it doesn't really matter what language you speak," but he did it well and successfully!

Then came the fourth song: "What a Wonderful World." This song has sentimental value to so many people in our family. Every summer I went away to camp, my dad would make me a mixed tape, and this song was always on each tape. Every time this song played when we were at a family function (Bar Mitzvah, wedding, etc), my dad would ask me to dance with him when this song came on. It became "our song," so it was an easy choice when I had my father/daughter dance at my wedding. In addition, Sam bought the book What a Wonderful World to read to Quinn after he was born because it reminds him of his mother. Whenever I read that book, I would sing it instead of reading... and Quinn would tear up, even as a baby. Sometimes I'd have to stop singing the book because he would get so emotional. He seemed to really connect to it. When Banner and his friends started singing this song, I nearly lost it, because in addition to singing it, they signed it! Anyone who knows me well knows sign language is my thing. I've loved learning to sign since I was little and even taught it to summer camp students years ago. So - to see my baby signing this beautiful song - feeling Bubbie's presence, realizing how fast time is flying and how Kindergarten is almost over, and just being in the moment with Quinn on my lap, Banner singing and signing and standing so beautifully with his peers... I fought tears hard! 

Finally, the Kindergarteners sang their version of "New York, New York," retitled "First Grade, First Grade!" And cue the tears again! :) While this was upbeat, it was kind of overwhelming watching these 5 and 6 year old kiddos sing about their excitement of coming to first grade. It reminded me of how big Banner is getting yet how small he still is. First grade! He's still by little nugget but it's going so fast!

We left the show and continued to hang out taking pictures in front of the school. Banner was delightfully hanging with his family, looking for his friends to take pictures with, and eager to show us how he goes across the monkey bars before everyone had to get home. Other than some coughs here and there throughout the show, you would have had no idea this kiddo had fever earlier in the day. And, he felt cool to the touch throughout the night when I would check on him. 

So, you can imagine how bummed we ALL were when he woke up the next morning with 101.8 fever. The thought of walking all over the zoo for his field trip was enough to make him come to terms with the fact that the zoo field trip he's been asking about since before Day 1 of Kindergarten would be something he'd have to miss. I promised him I would take him another day - as he moaned about missing out on seeing the snakes and cheetahs and leopards. He rolled over in bed, telling me he'd like for me to take him out on a date to the zoo just us one weekend. I happily obliged, but I was still really bummed for him. When we emailed his teacher that he would be absent again today, she responded with: "Oh my goodness, I am so sad to hear this. :( I hope he feels better soon. I will miss him today at the zoo! I still remember day one of meeting him: “Will we go to the zoo this year?” and he is missing it…poor thing!"

And later today, he will miss the swim meet he's supposed to participate in. My baby who NEVER gets sick is missing some big stuff today, but I'm SO glad he was able to participate in the fun last night - singing so nicely with his friends, celebrating this year he has worked so hard - making new friends, learning so much, gaining more confidence and recognizing how very smart he is, and having a night showing off his school and his class to his family. So, even though the zoo was supposed to be the highlight and we are disappointed to be missing out on it, the big performance last night has become the Kindergarten highlight that I know I will always remember. And, I hope Banner feels better soon, so we can get him to that zoo!

Banner and his friend/our neighbor, Andrew

Banner took this one - and I thought it was cute. :)

13-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
Your birthday month has come and gone now, and we are officially past the year-old finish line! 13-months old today, and even in this last month, we've seen so many new developments! Mostly, your language is starting to take off! You are mimicking and copying our words as best you can, and we are loving your little expressions. My favorite is "I did it!" (which sounds more like "Didit!") after you finish a pouch or do something fabulous. :) You put your hands over your heart to show "love," and you do your impression of a "roar" whenever you see dinosaurs or tigers or crocodiles... anything vicious and you say (or gurgle) "Awwwhhhh" - okay, I have no idea how to spell what sound it is you make, but it's almost as if you are saying the latter part of "roar" without being able to say the /r/ sound. Hard to explain this sound, but it's from the very back of your throat and it's intentionally made each time - to copy your brothers' sounds they make when "roaring." You continue to clearly say "bye-bye," "hi," "muh" (more), "heh" (here), "uh" (up), and "bah" (ball). You have started saying "mama" more, but mostly in mimicking me. You attempt pretty much any word we say, with a long pause before we hear anything from you - you're processing the sound and figuring out how to make it. Sometimes it comes out just right, other times (more often than not), it mimics the syllable length but not the same word. Impressively, you are already tying two words together: "Hi, Dada!"

You are crystal clear in your communication skills - eyeing what you want, whining wildly until we give you your milk or your toothbrush or your water cup. If you could have ONE thing that will always keep you happy, it would be the remote controls. I'm so damn sick of hiding, grabbing, negotiating, stealing the remote from you. If there is ONE place you are most happy, it's sneaking into a drawer of cups or bowls that is supposed to be closed. If there is ONE thing you hate, it's laying still for diaper changes - or maybe having your snotty nose wiped... hmm, that one's a tie. And the ONE thing your brothers hate that you do, it's turning off the Xbox in the middle of a game!

You currently have pink eye and are in the middle of a cold. You're drippy - with snot and watery eyes and drool. Your eyes were goopy the other day with green slime, and Dr. B expected you to have an ear infection, but nope; ears were clear and we decided pink eye was the reason for the swollen eyelids, green gunk, and red eyes. Because of the cold, you're not eating as much as usual. And, you want to be held a lot, but otherwise, you're your typical happy-go-lucky self.

The things that I just adore: your dancing... especially when you want so badly to copy Quinn's breakdancing moves he calls the "Super Spin" when he twirls around on his bottom. The way you pat us on the back when you hug us! Trying to give hugs to people who are upset (when Quinn cries, you try to make him feel better even if he doesn't let you near him). Your anger- I know, I'm mean... but it's the cutest thing - that rage that overcomes you when your brothers take something or try to soothe you when you're already upset - it's like you yell at them "Back off!" with your intense yell "UHH!" and sometimes even a hand up in their face. Your down dog pose you make anytime, anywhere - forehead on the ground, tush in the air, legs fully extended, and eyes peeking underneath you.

We have not dropped the bottle yet, but we did drop one a day from your previous routine. Now, you have a bottle in the morning, a bottle at night, and one in the middle of the day some time. You much prefer milk from a bottle, but you'll take it in a cup (although not very much, and it doesn't seem to satisfy you at all). We tried fish and raspberries this month, but you haven't seemed to really eat any of the fish, and the raspberries were only a one-day deal because you threw up that evening and we nixed the raspberries to be sure the throw up was mucus-induced from your cold and not an allergic thing. We'll try again soon and be sure!

Knoxy, lately things have been hectic around the house. We've had two weeks of various spring breaks, lots of homework and practices and learning to ride bikes and losing teeth and cleaning up after play dates and guests over and birthday celebrations ... there's always something going on! It's all great stuff, but it keeps us busy and quite often I feel that you are just shuffled in with all the chaos. Some times you take advantage of that chaos and quietly make your way to the accidentally-left-open gate and climb up the stairs to get ahold of your brothers' Xbox remotes. You don't get a lot of down time to just play with toys by yourself or for Mommy and Daddy to just chill and play with only you. You don't seem to mind, but it's not what I want for you. There are days when I feel you and I didn't interact other than diaper changes, bottles, and getting in and out of a carseat or high chair. Maybe that's because you've been sick and just want to be held or maybe it's because you are just so "go with the flow," or maybe it's because you are easily entertained by your brothers and the drama that's always going on around you. I'm hoping things will settle a bit after spring break and we can reconnect on a normal schedule. It's not that I don't feel connected to you... it's that you deserve more time and more one-on-one than you get!

But, don't think I don't notice you. I see you. I hear you. I watch you in amazement and awe as you meander around the house figuring out what you can get into, seeing what everyone else is up to, planning your next move to capture the remote, and making sense of this family and your world. Time has already been flying by; I'm pretty sure it's about to get a lot faster in the coming months as you grow and learn at a rapid rate!

Here's to another great month, Baby Love!
Happy 13-months!
Love,
Mommy

Typical bath time with the big brothers

Typical post dinner bombardment - they just love you!

Cheek to cheek with Grandma

Over spring break, the boys spent the night out, so you got some alone time with me! We both LOVED it!

Quinn: Three and a Half!

Dear Quinn,
Sometimes it's hard to believe you are already 3 and a half. Other times, I'm surprised you are not older than this number that seems so young. You are a wise little boy, and you continue to amaze us - but not surprise us - with your immense vocabulary and creative ideas. Your memory, your silliness, your affection - all so very impressive. I feel that in the past 6 months or so you have truly become our middle child and not just the little one with the baby brother. As a middle child myself, I never really understood the stigma and the "syndrome" that seems to accompany this position in the family, but as a parent, I see it clearly. I see how easy it is for the middle child to be overshadowed by the freshness of the older child and the cuteness of the baby. All your firsts are OUR seconds, and they won't be our LASTs, so you get stuck in the middle with not a lot of excitement. That sucks so badly for you. I try so hard to make sure it isn't that way! You are a different child, a different personality, a different perspective. You're unique in that you are one of the oldest in your class (as opposed to Banner being a summer, young birthday). You are unique in that you have this older boy to compete with and keep up with and to admire and to long for his attention. You have a little one right behind you, wanting so desperately to do everything you do! He admires you the way you admire Banner, and you and Knox will spend more and more time together now that he's getting bigger! I am loving the way you have decided to embrace him after months of uncertainty!

Since late November/early December, we have seen a noticeable difference in you, Quinn. For months, you were an anxiety-ridden, meltdown-at-any-minute basket case. I was really worried about you for a while. You didn't want to go to school, you were anxious at the idea of having to go there no matter what time of day you'd ask us if you had school the next day. We met with your teachers and the school director, and they were seeing the same apprehension and reluctance. You didn't want to participate in certain activities or sing certain songs. You weren't having fun like you did last year. During the High Holy Days, you were afraid God was going to be at services, and you didn't want to go. You did NOT want to say you were sorry to God, and even after reassurance that God would not, in fact, be sitting up on the bimah for you to walk up to and speak directly to, you couldn't shake that image out of your head and were pretty anxious about going to school when they talked about God and saying you are sorry to anyone! Every night at dinner, when we share our "sweet" and our "sour," your sweet would be when you left school, and your sour would be that you had to go to school. Yet, we couldn't figure out what was making you so anxious about school. You are a bright boy who excels in nearly every area; you made friends easily and seemed to like everyone at the building; you were following rules and making good choices... but you had seemingly regressed into not wanting to be away from us at all.

Change is always hard for you. Welcome to being MY son! But, this was unusual for you. Luckily, that is not the case any longer - and when you ask if you have school today (or tomorrow), I no longer cringe when I have to give an affirmative answer. Sometimes, you even say, "Yes!!" in excitement at getting to go. Now, going to school is your "sweet." I love that! And, when I pick you up, sometimes you want to stay longer. You are happy, cheerful, and full of SO MUCH energy at pick-up time. You are talkative and tell us about the funny things that happened that day or who you played with. I'm not sure what changed; but I'm glad it did! My personal opinion is that you had regressed after Knox was born. Starting in June last year, you didn't want to go to camp, and that never really got better once the school year started. You've had a lot of changes, and I think that was the setback. From potty training and dropping nap to moving houses and life with a mobile baby and not going to school with Banner anymore... it was a lot of change for one little boy! It's no wonder you were probably feeling all twisted and confused and unsure of your big world.

Yet, you've come out of this turmoil you must have been feeling to show us how strong and smart you are:

-You continue to thrive linguistically! Your word choice continues to impress us. You use words like "realize," "activity," "actually," and you retell stories with long, lengthy sentences. Your work was showcased with your class's this last month at school. Your retell is elaborate and full of complex sentences. You were fully conversational a LONG time ago, but your vocabulary and sentence structure just keep impressing!

-You absolutely love to dance. My favorite is the sharp pointing upward at the finale of a song - or even the tune of the dryer sounding or the ride-on airplane music wrapping up - one index finger pointing to the sky with an elbow fully extended and head nodding or slightly shaking in rhythm. You've taken to spinning on the floor like a break-dancer, and you pretend to play a mean air guitar. Usually, one eye is closed/squinted while you jam.

-You love to be silly and tell jokes. "Why did the robber take a bath? He wanted to make a clean get away. What has four legs but cannot walk? A chair. What has four 'eyes' but cannot see? Mississippi. Why couldn't the pirate go to the movie? Because it's rated 'ARRRR." Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy." You crack everyone up - telling your jokes at school and at home, and you've memorized them and continue to learn more. I'm not sure you completely understand your jokes, which makes it even better because you don't really laugh at them, but you deliver the punchline perfectly.

-Even when you aren't meaning to, you crack me up. One day at Grandma's house, Knox kept pushing the hallway carbon monoxide detector button, and it kept making a beeping sound that startled you a couple times. You covered your ears and ran to the den to me, fretting about him continuing to push the button. "Ehhhhhhh, he's gonna do it again. It's going to be loud!! It's going to be loud! EEEEHHHHH!" I said, "Look at me. You're okay." And, you replied, "Well, it's FREAKING ME OUT!" I couldn't help but laugh at your expression. It's not uncommon to hear you say some of these phrases that seem too old for you. You've been known, even at school, to say "O.M.G!" Ms. Robyn even told me that you winked at her one day. And, tonight at dinner, you told Daddy, "It's going to taste so good, you're going to say, 'What in the world!!!" (although your "world" was "woild") A few months ago (October), we were playing a game and when you lost a turn, you would stomp your feet, clench your fists, and with a scowl shout, "Obama!" After a few more times, I finally realized you were saying "Oh, bummer!" but with your sweet "New York accent," it sounded like you were damning the President! :) You so make me giggle!

-I've learned you are just going to be a little bit on the anxious side. You have a hard time with transitions. Leaving the house can be a trigger for tears. The mere act of getting shoes on and in the car can make you upset. But, once we are at our destination, you are just fine. You don't like to feel rushed at all - and that will bring out your anxiety, too. Daddy and I have to be careful not to say things like "Hurry up," or "Come on!" to rush you in anyway, or you start to panic. If others don't listen, you also get upset. "Eh! Banner, Mommy's going inside the house! Hurry! Mommy, Banner's not coming! Don't close the garage!!" or "Knox is gonna get my snack! Ehhh! Help!" and you say these in such a worried way (even if all is okay - like Knox is across the room and not at all showing interest in your snack).

-You're doing great in swim lessons lately! The beginning of the year was rocky, but now you swim in the deep end, jump off the side of the pool, and have jumped off the diving board a couple times (but this is what causes the most anxiety for you still).

-You are LOUD! We've read a book called Decibella to help you understand a wide variety of voice levels, and this has helped. I remind you to use your "6-inch voice," and sometimes you will tell me you'll use your "2-inch" voice instead... but then forget and start yelling again. We're working on inside voice vs. outside voice, but you mostly use the outside voice everywhere!

-You are passionate!  You love what you love and hate what you hate. You love milk first thing in the morning, and multiple times throughout the day. You love Danimal smoothies, yogurt with M&Ms or Oreo crumbles, graham crackers while you watch the iPad, and gummies. You love Umizoomi, Peppa Pig, Daniel Tiger, and Trolls. You pretty much hate brushing your teeth and fixing your hair in the morning. You don't like to look at pictures or videos of yourself as a younger child. You love to have your back scratched. (I can just hear you now, "Scwatch my back.") Oh, and lately, you love to say something was "Fantastic!" How was your day? "Fantastic!" How's your pasta? Fantastic!

-You've become quite the actor. You like to act out parts of the movie Trolls. You particularly like to be Branch, and I'm Poppy. We've memorized parts of it and perform the campfire scene pretty often. You like to pretend a LOT. You are very imaginative. (You love to play grocery and use the cash register; you love pretending to cook in your kitchen; you invent stories using figures and blocks.) And, if someone deviates from their part or the character they are supposed to be (because you assigned them that character), you get upset. You often like to pretend you are Daniel and I am Mommy Tiger, and when we sing Daniel Tiger songs, I have to sing my part and you have to sing your part - and I get in trouble if I don't do it right. Most mornings, you tell us if you are Branch, Batman, or Pacman - and you refuse to be Quinn. If we say the wrong name, you let us know you are NOT Quinn.

-You like to help me bake and cook. By the time you turn 4, you may very well know several recipes and how to navigate the kitchen!

-You love a good concert when you poop. I know you're done and ready for me to wipe you when the rounds of singing stop. "Dreidel," "ABC," "Jingle Bells," "Bingo," "Farmer and the Dell," are all on your performance list. It's quite entertaining. (And, to be clear, you mess up the words like no other... "E-I-N-G-O" is how you spell "Bingo," and "I hope the dario," instead of "Hi ho" and "H-I-K-K-M-M-M-O-P" is the middle of your alphabet.)

-Lately, you've been exceptionally impatient! "Nevah" has entered your daily vocabulary - as in, "It's nevah gonna work, Mommy," or "Now I'll nevah find my toy!" or "He's nevah gonna let me have a turn!" And, sometimes, this word is used to state refusal to a request, especially when we ask you to clean up... a task that was once your strength. "Quinn, please pick up 5 toys to put away." "NEVAH!" It makes me laugh now, but in the moment, not so much, My Love.

-You are one stubborn little man when you want to be. I can just see you now, arms crossed tightly across your little torso, eyebrows furrowed, mouth tightened and lips pursed out, cheeks red, eyes blazing. You can be MAD when you want to be. You have to think hard to stop yourself from hitting Banner or lashing out at me when you are pissed off. Your little body tightens up and anger takes over you from time to time. Your voice gets loud and words get short. "GIVE.IT.TO.MEEEE!" or "IT'S.MY.TURRRN!!!" your demands are quick and voice thick with anger. And as much as I hate to see you so upset and unable to calm down, I love that you stand up for yourself and speak up loud and clear.

-In fact, a couple months ago, Daddy pulled his shirt over his head in a funny way, but when he snuck out from behind the refrigerator and startled you and Banner at the dinner table, Banner immediately pulled his fists up to his mouth and covered his face as he started to cry, while you shouted with your palm facing Daddy, "NO! STOP!" and even though both of you were angry at Daddy for scaring you, (after we stopped laughing...) Daddy and I told you how proud of you we were that you stood up to the scary thing and demanded it to stop!

-Every night at bedtime, you tell us that you don't want to go to sleep, that you want to stay up and play. Every.single.night, I tell you that you don't have to go to sleep but that it is time for bed, and you have to follow the bedtime rules: stay still, stay quiet, and close your eyes. You complain once or twice, and then you're fast asleep. (Your snoring has significantly decreased, but you definitely still breathe audibly and snore every now and then. I haven't taken it off the table to go back to the ENT, but for now, it's so much better.)

-You are so very smart! A couple days ago, you saw a car that had the same logo as Daddy's car on it, and you said, "Mommy, that car is made by the same company as Daddy's!" I was impressed that you knew cars were made by companies. That struck me as pretty intuitive. There's a line in the song "Down By the Bay," where the singer says, "Have you ever had a time, when you couldn't make it rhyme? ..." and you say, "But that DOES rhyme!" You just seem to "get" so much! Truly, nothing gets past you!

Quinn Redding, you continue to be affectionate and loving. You have embraced the reputation of giving "famous Quinn hugs" to our family members. And you really do give the best hugs! (One day when leaving school, you gave your teacher from last year, Ms. Tali, a big hug. You laid your head on her shoulder and gave a tight squeeze that lasted for a few minutes! She cuddled you as she said, "This is why I do what I do." Beautiful.) You adore cuddle time and being held, and sometimes you just need a hug. Nearly every time you seem to need that cuddle, I'm reminded of our first days together in the hospital, when cuddling you was the best thing in the whole world. Those are my earliest memories of you - and they are so very special, and I am so very grateful that you have stayed so snuggly! I've always called you my cuddle bug, and I love that this nickname holds true still.

At three and a half, you test us daily! I sometimes tell people that you are our hardest child right now. It's not really YOU, though. It's the age. Three and a half is a tumultuous time. You are experiencing so much right now - taking in the world, making sense of it, figuring out your place in our family and in the world, exploring and making connections, noticing everything, being silly and playful and demanding and emotional. You feel intensely and you live deeply in the moment. Your feelings are BIG at 3 and half. But my love for you is bigger, and oh my sweet boy... I couldn't be prouder of you!

Happy Half-Birthday, My Love!
I love you, love you, love you!
Love,
Mommy

You and me at the Opera a few days ago

Knox's first birthday party

Arboretum in October

At Banner's consecration in September

Halloween 2016

Thanksgiving 2016

Thanksgiving Program at school 2016

Hanukkah 2016

Seeing your new Hanukkah present - your baseball fan

At Daniel Tiger Live with Aunt Kira and Levi

You couldn't reach the DVD case. Um, you could. But you cried because you "couldn't."

About to ride your new bike

Knox's 12-Month Well Check

Today we saw Dr. B for Knox's well-check. As with other well checks of the past, I'm first and foremost just glad that we have another healthy boy who is growing and developing just as he should be - if not a bit on the advanced side. I'm also grateful that Sam continues to make these well visits a priority for both of us to attend. While there are times when he cannot make it, I love that we make our kids' health so important that we both attend. And, today, we got to take Knox all by himself without the distraction of his big brothers, which was extra special. 

Knox did great with the nurse checking his height, weight, head, and heart. He was quiet and observing. He even did great for most of the beginning of Dr. B's exam. He didn't like having his mouth and ears checked out, and that's when he started fussing. A few minutes later, and he was fine, and did great again until his shots when he cried the most gut-wrenching cry - poor baby!

The report was fabulous. We answered the developmental questionnaire, and Dr. B told us that Knox is developmentally scoring as an 18-month-old would. That's not surprising to us at all, as this boy is super smart and fast! He has about 6 words in addition to "mama" and "dada" (which he uses every now and then): here, more, ball, hi, bye, and "ah duh" (all done!). He is walking and basically running with perfection. He uses his pincer grasp, rolls a ball, scribbles, helps in the house when we ask him to do something like bring me something or clean up, claps, waves, and even drinks from a cup... although Dr. B had a hard time believing that. (He joked that there's no way that is happening, and Sam said, "I'd have a hard time believing it, too, had I not seen him do it just yesterday!" He turned to the medical student who was observing and said, "Don't believe a word they tell you!" We all laughed, but I insisted Knox can totally drink from a cup on his own without spilling. He had done it immediately before today's appointment at Grandma's house.) This boy of ours is constantly on the move and wanting to keep up with his active big brothers. He has no choice but to be months ahead of his time! 

He was given 3 vaccines: Chicken Pox, HepA, and Prevar. We opted to wait until his next well check for the MMR vaccine. We waited with Banner and Quinn, so I felt we should also wait with Knox.

Oh, and his stats:

Weight: 23 pounds, 1.5 ounces = 80th percentile

Height: 30 1/8 inches = 70th percentile

Head: 46.5 cm = 55th percentile

It's amazing how much every ounce makes a difference. Quinn weighed 23 pounds exactly at his 12-month check up, and he was in the 55th percentile. 1.5 ounces more and Knox is significantly heavier from a percentile perspective. As long as they are healthy and growing okay, I'm all good!

Our goals are to drop the bottle and get Knox to drink 16-24 ounces of whole milk instead of formula now. Should be pretty easy... we shall see!! :)