And Another Year Makes FOUR!

Dear Banner,
Two weeks ago, we were sitting in the living room together. I was holding you across my lap, cradling you like a baby with your head in the nook of my arm. I told you it was Landry's birthday, which meant you had exactly 2 weeks until YOUR birthday. You were thrilled about this idea! Lit up, giggled, and smiled ear to ear! As your long legs draped over and down my thigh and your arms held tight to mine, I teared up a little as I said, "So, you'll only be my 3 year old for two more weeks!" It was in that very moment that it hit me I was losing my 3-year-old, and I wanted to savor you just like that - beaming grin, bright blue eyes, dimpled cheeks, freshly cut hair, soft tender skin, and still my little boy - as a little 3 year-old. Three, that once seemed so big to me, when in reality it's still so little. And while four isn't that much bigger, losing my 3-year-old made me just . . . well, scared! Oh, time. Damn TIME. Stop moving so quickly.

Anyway, we had a conversation about how big you are getting and how I don't want you to get so big so fast! You, of course, are constantly wanting to be a big boy - always asking when you are going to be a grown up. You are both curiously excited and cautiously hesitant about the idea of being a grown up. "When will I be able to drive a car?" and after my response, "But how will I know what to do? Will you teach me?" You are concerned about how to be a grown up, but you can't wait to be one. And, I just want you to slow down, Angel. Slow, slow, slow down. Don't be in such a rush.

But you are. And I get it. You seem to always want to be (and usually you already are) a step ahead. You are so clever, so very smart. You're curious and creative. Throughout this year, I've had to remind myself that you were only three! Your verbal skills, negotiation skills, and problem solving skills are seemingly well beyond your years. In our parent/teacher conference with Ms. Hedy we talked about how gifted you seem to be. . . using great vocabulary, always kind to your friends (well most of the time), good at asking for help when you are upset, showing anger appropriately, and a lot more. She was really pleased with you this school year, and so were we! At home, you let your guard down more, and you can be very stubborn and difficult - which others have a hard time believing. But, when you don't get your way, you are a little sassy and can even be downright mean and angry. I'm glad you aren't like that most other places, though. Again, sometimes it has been hard for me to remember you are still so little and to give you more of my patience.

Three was rough, I'm not gonna lie. I've heard four can be just as tumultuous. Not sure how to feel about that - but I'm glad we made it through three. At the same time, there were times when you can be the sweetest, most loving little boy. You always keep us on our toes, and I have a feeling being a first-time parent to you through all these stages and ages will always be like that. As in years past, I want to apologize to you for not always knowing. You're our teacher a lot of the time, and sometimes you have a lot to teach us. There are times when I know I have completely failed, but more often than not, we are figuring life out together and winning.

At four years old, we are tackling big topics: stranger danger, appropriate touch, lying/honesty, death and dying, growing up and becoming more responsible, feeling shy and uncertain, giving to others and doing mitzvot, respect for others and our property. You ask big questions, and I love our conversations. While some of these topics can be scary and overwhelming for both of us, I love that we can be open and honest with each other - that no question is off limits, that if we don't know we figure it out together, that we can always come back to topics again and again.

Random Facts:

Your favorite colors are yellow and green. You adore your "Turtle Time" when I allow you time on the iPad (usually to beg me for a free game from the App store). You are a pro at navigating Netflix and finding Chuggington or Rescue Bots or Daniel Tiger or The Hive or Lego Friends. You love Team Umizoomi and Paw Patrol, but you'll still stop whatever you're doing to watch Yo Gabba Gabba when Quinn watches it. You could eat donuts for breakfast every morning if I let you. You'd gladly eat dessert only at every meal, and lollipops will get you to do just about anything. Your favorite snack is S'mores. You are working on consistently holding your crayon/pencil/marker/pen correctly. You have gotten to really start enjoying Quinn now that he can talk to you, and you will even say, "Great job, Quinn!" when he says a word or sings along with you. You like a companion when you have to go potty - not much preferring privacy. You are getting to be more timid and shy around new people. You love Legos and making train tracks - although you insist on having a lot of help then get demanding when you don't like the way I did it! You tell me I'm "mean" a lot - and I've given up on caring because I know I'm not! :) You love to have screaming matches with your little brother, but you are still terribly annoyed and startled by loud, sudden noises. You are still in Pull-Ups at night, although I know you are ready to be done with those. If only you'd stop peeing in them first thing in the morning, we could do without them! You eat your boogers, and you're not ashamed of it at this point. No matter how many times I beg you to stop, you love your boogers more than my requests - and seemingly more than my meals. You love your calendar and want to know what's coming up next for you (something you come by naturally). You've gotten really good at understanding it - also knowing your days of the week and months of the year. You're a good swimmer, but you don't believe it yet - always very nervous for your swim lessons with Ms. Patty; you have a nervous tummy like Mommy! You close your eyes when you taste a new food - and often when you are truly enjoying a yummy food! You enjoy checking Quinn's diaper when you think he has a poop. :) You had your first play date on your own at "Big Levi's" house a couple weeks ago. You wear: 4T clothing mostly (some 3T stuff still fits you) and just started wearing size 6 underwear/boxers (which are way baggy on you, but you like them like that), and size 9.5-10 shoes. You go to sleep around 7:45pm (after starting bath at 7:00). You wake up around 7:00am.

Well Check with Dr. B:  (I added this part on June 10th.)
You did a great job talking with and listening to Dr. B this morning! You're due for 2 mixed vaccines which we will do in a few days at a local pharmacy (since they're so darn expensive at the doctor's office without insurance!): DTaP/IPV & MMR/Chicken Pox. So, that made our visit extra easy today. One funny thing that happened was when we were filling out your developmental checklist, I asked you to name the colors on the page. You correctly named "yellow," "green," "blue," and then we got to red. You said some word I didn't understand. I assumed you were being silly and said, "Banner, what color is this?" You said the same word again. I then said, "What word is that?" You said, "It's Hebrew for 'red.'" Daddy and I laughed, and then Daddy said, "Should we give him extra points for that?" We told Dr. B why we were laughing when he entered the room immediately after that happened. He thought it was pretty funny, too. Anyway, here are your stats:

• Weight: 36.4 pounds = 52nd percentile (gained 5 pounds since last year)
• Height: 40.25 inches = 50th percentile (grew 3.5 inches since last year)
• BMI: 15.2 = 50th percentile

A Few Memorable Quotes from the past 6 months:

• "Mommy, is someone gonna come in my room and take me from my bed and you'll have to chase them with your car?" (December)
• "We listen to Mommy because she's our special lady!" (December)
• "HOLY MOLY! HOLY, MOLY!" (opening Zaide & BeeBee's gift to you in December)
• "G shared his guitar with me before going to the playground, but when we came inside again, he said I couldn't play with it anymore. It made me sad. I couldn't play with it anymore because . . . it was lunch time." (Very sad on "lunch time," January)
• "Mommy, I don't want Daddy to do me tonight. I want you to do me tonight. I want you to do me tonight because you're my best friend." (January, talking about who will be putting him to bed)
• "Can we go to Ms. Hedy's house and play with her toys?" And, after my reply that she doesn't have toys, "Yes she does, for her children." And, after my reply that her children are grown up, "Does she have grown up friends?"
• One day you were stalling while putting on underwear after using the potty. I was helping you put them on. When your hand was in your crotch, I said, "Come on, Banner. Let's go," trying to hurry you along. You said, "Mommy, my penis has two hard circles in it." I said, "Yes, those are testicles."  You replied, "I don't like those; I don't want them." I said, "Yes, you do. All boys have those balls; they are in a sack under your penis," and then you looked to explore. Then, "Mommy, do you have those?" I said, "No, girls don't have balls, I mean testicles." And your reply: "Then I want to be a girl."
• "Mommy, can I marry you?" (January 29, 2015!)
• "Mommy, you're my girlfriend." (February)
• "I don't know who that character is," pointing to Brosch in Shalom Sesame book; loved your use of "character"
• You used the word "yesternight" one evening, and Daddy and I looked it up later - it's a real word!
• We didn't have the ingredients to make hamantashen before Purim, so you came up with a great idea: "We can take some bread and use a cup to make circles in it, then we can put strawberry jam inside the circle and fold it up to make a triangle." 
• "We need to throw Quinn away. He's naughty."
• I told you one night that I had a surprise for you, and you said: "We're throwing Quinn away?!" with a smile across your face.
• Your Passover questions: "Did Moses get the plagues? He should have." And in the same conversation: "Only Pharoah was the bad guy, so only he should get the plagues."
• One night you asked me who your mommy will be when you grow up, who will Grandma be to your children, will we still live in the same house. You told me you wanted 3 kids, but Mommy and Daddy should have 10. You wanted to know who Grandma's grandma is.
• "Who's your dad?" Big boss. "Who's Daddy's Mommy?" Bubbie. "But she died, and I really want to ask her a question, and I'll never know the answer." What's the question? "Did Bubbie like firetrucks?" . . . long pause, Mommy tears up . . . says to ask Daddy. . . Daddy replies, "You know, that's a good question. I don't know. But, I think she did because she always stopped for them when they had a siren and lights on."
• One evening after getting a scratch on your nose, I told you we needed to put medicine on it so it won't scar. You asked if it would be there until you die. I showed you my scar on my forehead, and we looked at your scar on your mouth.
• In the tub one night, you asked for Daddy to make the water dark purple. You asked if it was dark purple, and Daddy said, "I think so, but we have to ask Mommy. She's better at colors." You replied, "Daddy, you're a grown up; you're a great color . . . counselor."
• One day watching Paw Patrol, you said, "Why are those pups driving vehicles? Pups can't drive vehicles!"
• "Mommy, LOOK! I always wanted that!" to just about any toy or game you see anywhere!
• Just last night, I had a complete "MOM FAIL!" We were getting ready to do calendar and read books, but first as we crawled on to your bed, we were talking about this being the last night as a 3-year-old, and I made the (dumb) comment: "I'm never going to see you again as a 3-year-old, and that makes me a little sad." I had tears in my eyes, and you paused, staring at me. I thought you were intrigued by my tears, but you got emotional too. When I asked what was making you sad, you said, "Mommy, I'm going to miss you!" then you burst into tears. I quickly realized that you had heard something different than what I meant! So, I tried to fix it, and you just kept crying. I cradled you, and you cried real, hard tears! "I'm going to miss you, Mommy!" I tried to assure you I wasn't going anywhere, that I was your mom for good, that all I meant was that tomorrow you'd be a 4-year-old. I was your mom when you were born, when you turned 1, and 2, and 3, and I will be when you turn 4, and 5, and 6... Poor guy. I totally traumatized you for a good 2-3 minutes. Utter mommy failure in that moment. I'm so sorry! From now on, I'll stick to the phrase my mom always uses: "The next time I see you, you'll be __ years old." Although, come to think of it, she also used to say, "This is the last time I'm going to tuck you in as a __-year-old." So, see... she did it too!

To Celebrate:
This morning, you started stirring around 7:30. Daddy, Quinn, and I came in your room singing "Happy Birthday" with a bag of balloons to drop on your bed as you woke up. You were grumpy for a minute and only wanted me, but when I reminded you it was your birthday, you quickly bounced up and were excited to play with your balloons! Then, we had donuts for breakfast (after singing "Happy Birthday" for the second time). Since Mommy had a meeting, Daddy took you to Grandma's house, and then Logan and Landry picked you up to go to Lil Ninjas (a first time visit there). Since Quinn is sick, I waited with him at Grandma's after my meeting, and then we met you, Logan, and Landry for lunch at Chili's. Then, we raced home for "Turtle Time" and Quinn's nap. Then, Daddy picked us up after work to go meet whoever could come to Chuck E. Cheese's - a surprise we didn't tell you about until you were in the car! You loved it there - playing games, getting tickets, picking prizes, eating cake, meeting Chuck E. Such a fun night! So many of your favorite things today, and I'm so happy for you!

Banner Boone, 4 years ago today, we met, and you made me a mommy. Even on my most tired, exhausted, frustrated days, there's not a day that goes by that I don't at some point think to myself, "Oh my God, he's so beautiful." And, I mean inside and out. You are a gorgeous creature, Angel Baby. I am so lucky you are ours, we are yours, and we get to have this life with you.

I wish you a very happy 4th birthday! May this year be as amazing as you are!
All my love, all my life,
I love you.
Love,
Mommy

Some pics from the last 24 hours:

Last 3-year-old pictures

Waking you up

FLASHBACK to first Balloon Wake-Up - 1st birthday

Being silly - picking your nose

More silly

Annual "I Believe!"

21-Month Newsletter: Quinn

Dear Quinn,
My toddler! You so very much are exactly that these days, and just like last month, we are seeing SO much fast growth in your language development! It's hard to believe the words that come out of my baby - talking like such a big boy! We're hearing 2-3 word combinations these days, and I'm always shocked, amazed, and proud of your language. I read that kids your age are learning about 10 new words a day - and that did not surprise me given how much we are hearing from you!

So, what else are you up to these days?

-You have some new teeth! Finally, you have all four of your bottom teeth - that last left tooth came in this month. And, you have a final molar waiting to really pop out any minute!

-You are obsessed with M&Ms - always wanting "Ms! Ms!". Grandma taught Banner his colors using M&Ms, so we thought we could try this with you, too - but you are too demanding of the candy to even get you to stop to say the colors!

-But, you are recognizing your colors this month! You know yellow, blue, green, and purple great. Red is usually confused as blue, and orange is usually confused as green. I'm hoping you're not colorblind like Daddy!

-You love to blow bubbles in the bathtub. Banner taught you how to do that, and I'm glad you're comfortable with it, because Ms. Patty will love that in September when we start swim lessons!

-You made your first pee-pee on the potty this month! You asked Daddy to go potty - which you've done before but nothing happen; this time, you actually went right before bath!

-The "mine!" stage has just begun! "Winn?" "Mine?" "Mine!" "Me?" these are commonly heard around our house.

-When anything falls or drops or spills, you say, "Mad."

-You're beginning to count and say your ABCs. Last night, you counted from 1-11, only skipping "4" and needing a little assistance going from "8" to "9" (we prompted "nnnn...").

-You love hugs and cuddling with anyone (this has always been the case), but you are especially loving hugs from Banner. I am in love with the way you two love each other (most of the time)!

-The 2-3 word combinations are perking up all over the place. Just last week you said, "No, Winn hold it." It's not uncommon to hear "more milk," "walk outside," "daddy work," "more water, please" and statements like this. Your "please" is heartbreaking, though... sounding more like, "please!!!! please!!!" like you are begging us. A couple weeks ago, you saw Ms. Rhonda at carpool drop-off at Banner's school and said, "Rhoda, please. Rhoda, please! Please!" I felt awful that you didn't get to see her. You were practically begging for her, and I had to tell you we'd see her the next day at Toddler & Me.

-Speaking of Toddler & Me, we wrapped up the semester a couple weeks ago. I am so grateful that we were given the opportunity to participate in that! I saw big growth and major social growth throughout the time you were there with your "friends." It was bittersweet saying goodbye to those new people you had met and reflecting on how much everyone had grown and developed since December when we first started going. Some of the kids who were crawling only a few months ago were able to run freely across the gym. You were able to say some of your friends' names: "Luca! Luuuucaaa!" you shouted to him through the glass door. You learned to share your snack, to participate in library time, and to play independently and away from Mommy. I'll miss that time with you, sweet boy!

-The past week has been rough - you're very snotty and congested, and can be irritable. I'm wondering if you have an ear infection, so when we take Banner to his well check this week, I'm going to have you checked too.

-You stayed with Grandma & Papa this past weekend while Daddy, Banner, and I went away to Minnesota for Michael & Bre's wedding. It was the first time we had been that far away from you and for that long. It was the first time you had ever gone a day without seeing Banner, and it showed. You and Banner both asked about each other a lot - Grandma even said you saw a picture I texted her of Banner and your response: "my Banner."

-Speaking of B, you actually say his name now. You have always called him "MehMeh" or "MeeMee." Only this month have you started calling him "Ban-ner." I love that you say his name so well, but I kind of miss "MeeMee."

-This month, you went to Zaide & BeeBee's wedding reception, celebrated Aunt Kira's birthday, celebrated Mother's Day, had a double play date with Aaryn & Brett, celebrated Memorial Day, and went to the splash park for the first couple times this summer!

Quinn, I'm really looking forward to this summer with you! We've got some fun stuff planned during Camp Mommy this year! Throughout the summer, I'll be excited to hear what new words pop up and how that helps us get to know you and your beautiful personality even more! You are so very smart, and I love watching you learn.

One of my most favorite times of day with you is rocking you to sleep. I used to hate putting you down for naps, but in the past couple months we have found our groove. And, nighttime is no different. One of the sweetest things you do isn't new, but it's something I know I haven't written about before. You lay your head down on me as soon as your lamp is turned off. Then, I turn on your lullabies, and then we rock in the glider for a while. As soon as I sit down, I stroke your head, and I say, "Night night, Quinn," then I pause. "Sweet dreams," I whisper. And you nod your head - as if to say, "Back at ya, Mommy!" Then, I whisper, "I love you," usually with such intensity and meaning  - not like I'm just reciting a script, but so that you know I truly mean it. And, sure enough, you nod your head again - barely up and down on my shoulder or chest. You could easily say, "Love you" as you know how to do now, but I love that you just nod, as if to tell me "I know. Thank you for telling me. I love you too, Mommy." I just know what is in that nod - and it warms my heart. I know you know I love you in that moment. I know you know I want you to have the sweetest dreams and the most peaceful sleep. And that makes me happy.

YOU make me happy!
I love you, Quinn Redding!
Happy 21 Months!
Love,
Mommy

Favorite Fourth Year Memories

• A few nights after you turned 3, you asked me if you could give me a kiss.  You told me you wanted to kiss my cheek. Of course, I agreed. Then, you gave me a very gentle kiss. You said, "I want to give you a tight kiss." So, I agreed, and you gave me a tight, long kiss on both cheeks. Perfection! A hand on each cheek.
• Singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" & "You're a Grand Old Flag" on Memorial Day on the way to Aunt Jacque/Uncle Freddy's house.
• When you will say things like, "We listen to Mommy, because she's our special lady," or "I love you, my lady!" when I say, "I love you, my lord!"
• Listening to you recite the ring master's introduction to "Built to Amaze" circus
• While it wasn't my "favorite" at the time.... it has come to mean a lot of things to me: when you puked on me in three separate waves when NaNa and Uncle Paul were here to babysit. Standing in my bedroom carrying you to bed, you were upset because you didn't want me to leave to go have a girls night (and Daddy had already left for his guys night). I can still feel the warmth of your vomit all over my chest and down my shirt. I didn't flinch, though, and tried to stay as calm as I could for you and not let it drip to the carpet. It was so gross, but I liked that you wanted me and that I didn't seem to mind it. I remember NaNa mouthing to me, "You're brave!" while you and I just stood in the shower rinsing off. 
• Our "Camp Mommy" summer adventures: Ham Orchard, the circus, Young Chef's Academy, the mall playground visits and the first times you actually played with Quinn there, riding the flatbed cart at Sam's, SeaLife with Grandma & Gretchen, the fire department visit with our friends (and then again at Open Fire House night - you seemed to make yourself right at home there!)
• Dancing to "The Entertainer" at dinner time as a family
• Hearing your laugh after you pretended to fly ME like an airplane and I'd crash (May)
• Drinking chocolate milk together at the coffee table before Quinn woke up from his nap one day. "Cheers!" and "Clink!" you would say (December)
• When Daddy and I stopped begging you to "get in the car already!" to watch you dance to a country song at Mooyah. . . we both teared up watching you so happy and carefree, moving to the music
• Listening to you have a silly conversation with Siri first thing in the morning on Daddy's iPhone

• Watching Dr. G throw you in the air and letting you write your own prescription after a sick visit to the doctor
• Just laying with you as you fell asleep so many, many nights 
• Singing "Oseh Shalom" with you on the way to dinner one night (to have dinner with Cherie/Jed/Avery) and you wanted to sing this over and over again
• Singing "Dip Your Apple" on the way to Bob & Helen's Christmas party (thinking about how ironic it was that you wanted to listen to this Jewish New Year song on Christmas Eve (on repeat) and how proud it made me to sing along with you).
• Reading High Five magazines with you and talking about what the words mean and how they have different meanings ("cried") and looking at the "That's Silly" pages that would make you (fake) crack up.
• It wasn't technically MY favorite because I didn't get to go with you - but it's one of Daddy's I would bet: the day he took you to court with him for the first time.

 

• Watching Mamma Mia! with you in my lap while I teared up at "Slipping Through My Fingers." You were wearing your Spider-Man pajamas and Spider-Man socks, you let me hold you two nights in a row to this song and seemed to know what it meant to me. You asked why the mommy kisses her daughter's band-aid, and I told you what the whole song is about. "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture; and save it from the funny tricks of time. . . slipping through my fingers....") (March)
• Opening presents with you at Hanukkah: when you got Heatwave Rescue Bot and Boulder, when you sang songs on the microphone, making the gingerbread house with you, watching you open the boat Zaide/BeBe gave you, and you said, "Holy Moly! Holy Moly!", and the frustration and laughter with Grandma when she bought the "wrong" Rescue Bot (twice!)
• Telling you about Uncle Joe and how he would have really liked you.
• The day I picked you up from school and told you I had a surprise. We got in the car, and I LOVED watching your face light up as you heard the "circus song" Daddy and I got from YouTube ("We're gonna build this circus, build it fast....") (August)
• Singing "Angel Baby" to you one night after I asked you who my Angel Baby was and you said, "I AM!" After I sang, I told you I could play the song tomorrow and you said roughly, "No, I don't like that song!" I said, "Okay, then I won't play it." You still sternly said, "but it was good." Then fell asleep. (February)
• The way you look in these pajamas in the morning:

 

• Your beautiful, bright smile and quiet giggle in the kitchen after dinner when you told me to say "Haman!" I was at the sink washing dishes, and when I said it, you shook the glittered, see-through plate gragger you made at school as we all said, "Booooo!!!!!" (March)
• Our conversation about Farra being Uncle Barry & Aunt Susie's daughter, and your confusion about her name being "Farra" not "Pharoah!" (April)
• When you would say, "Mommy, will you hold me?" thinking that there was once I time I never thought I would hear you ask this, so when you say it, I melt.
• Asking me to tell you the Passover story two times in a row as you fell asleep one night to me singing "There Can Be Miracles"
• The day you overheard Grandma and me talking at my car window when we were leaving her house. She was teasing me about inheritance and possessions left to us after she dies. You were mumbling in the backseat, and when I asked what you said, you said, "Grandma, I don't want you to die. I would really miss you." And then you snickered, "Ssssssss" you were chuckling with a sheepish grin. I'm pretty sure you were smiling and chuckling to keep from crying and feeling awkward about your fear of this really happening. Grandma and I looked at each other, knowing your little ears had heard everything we were talking about. I turned to you and said, "Banner, Grandma isn't going to die . . . . not for a very long time!" I didn't want you to think we were chatting about her plans for the night or something like that! As I told you this, you got more serious, and the slightest of tears came to your eyelids. Mom and I looked at each other again. Grandma said, "Banner, that is so sweet," and opened the car door. You told Grandma that you wanted to hug her, so she unbuckled you to give you a squeeze, but you wanted to get out of the car to really hug her. I wanted to bottle that hug up as tears came to my eyes and I held back tears of love for both my son and my mother. All I could capture in your special moment that's really just between you two was this:
  
• Going to the symphony with you and Daddy and watching you play the "fiddle!"
• Swinging together at Chisolm park; I taught you how to pump your legs back and forth to swing yourself so we could sit next to each other and swing (April)
• Playing Super Mario Brothers with you on Nintendo and how excited you would get when we finish a level together (May)
• The night at dinner when we told you that you'd be going to a new school for PreK, and your optimistic response, "I always wanted to go [there] for school!" (May)
• Watching you walk down the aisle at Bre & Michael's wedding.... the ring bearer determined to get down the aisle as fast as possible and without a smirk on his face. Your suit was 2 sizes too big, and your shoes were too small - so you wore your tennis shoes and looked as cute as can be! What a fabulous weekend we had! (June)

 

• The time we had together just you, Daddy, and me this past weekend before you turn 4! Our flights to Minnesota and back, when you napped on me both times; putting you to bed and cuddling in our hotel room; experiencing so many firsts with you - your first flight, your first hotel stay, your first time away from Quinn for such a long time, your first big trip! And, while it wasn't your first time as a ring bearer, it was the first one you might remember, and it was the first time you did it all on your own! What a great send-off to your final days as a 3-year-old.

Finishing 3's

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'll start with this: my big boy finished the 3's class today!

I have so many emotions to share, and I'm not sure what order to go in. We've had a good year this year. Banner had a fairly small class, a class of 12 kids that eventually ended in 10 (one moved away, one switched schools). And, he also had a teacher leave in the middle of the year. But, Ms. Hedy was consistent for him, and Ms. Michelle, who happens to be my 3rd cousin, took over when the other teacher left. Banner made some great new friends, and he developed a lot of new skills and concepts that I know he will continue to build on in the coming year.

Banner has always felt at home at this school. Through Mommy & Me with me a couple years ago, then the 2's class, and now the 3's class, his school is just that: he literally used to call it "Banner's school." Aunt Kira works there, Mara and Caden and Miles went there. And Quinn has come to know it as his school as well, just recently pointing to it when we pass it saying, "School? School?" And, when we leave, he gets upset because he wants to stay longer.

But, today was our last day at this building. Sam and I made the decision to move our boys to a school closer to us and significantly more affordable (not cheap at all, just significantly more affordable: I can actually send two kids to our new school for the same price it would be for just Banner next year if he were to stay - even with financial support). I've heard nothing but wonderful things about the program we are enrolling them in, and the community is amazing. So, while I wish they could continue on where they feel "at home"with familiar teachers and a familiar building and new and old friends, I know they will be just fine next year. Leaving, though, isn't easy, and for me, there's simply the fear of the unknown - especially as we head into a lot of new changes for next year (Quinn in school, me working part-time, new school).

Sam and I decided to tell Banner about the plan for next year on the night before the last Shabbat of this school year. We wanted Banner to know it would be his final Friday there. I was nervous to tell him - not sure how he would take the news considering he adores his school. But, the conversation could not have gone better! We were talking about Quinn having his last Toddler & Me class that day, and then we started talking about how Quinn would be going to school next year. We talked about how many more days of school Banner had (5, at that time), and that's when I took my opportunity. I told him that next year he would not be going to that school anymore, that he would be going to where he went to camp last summer. I shared the names of some of the kids who go to that school who he adores, and he lit up. He stood up from the table, threw his arms around me, and said, "Mommy, I always wanted to go to [there] for school!" Tears filled my eyes, as I held him close, both embracing his excitement and not wanting him to pull away to see me on the verge of losing it. I was emotional because I wasn't sure that he understood what was really happening - that he would not return to the school he knew, to the people he loved, to the friends he'd made. I was emotional because it was also the first step towards our new normal next year.

And, today, we officially made that first big step - saying goodbye to what we know for now. I drove through the carpool lane one last time, and as we approached the front door, Banner said, "I want you to walk me in." Very unusual for him because he loves carpool - even wanting me to drive him through it when I need to walk into the building for Quinn's Toddler & Me - or if I simply just wanted to walk him in. So, this was different, and I jumped at the chance to walk him in one last time. He was a bit clingy before I left, and I worried he was going to be upset when I actually left. I just kept focusing on him having one last chance to play with his friends in his class or to play with the school toys, and he was fine. Quinn, of course, wanted to stay!

At the end of the shortened day, when I finally found a parking spot in the overwhelmingly crowded lot, Quinn and I made our way into the classroom where 2 other friends waited with Banner. As we went to say goodbye to Ms. Hedy, she said, "Now is when I start to cry." She got down on her knees and said to Banner, "Thank you for making me laugh this year." She held his face in her hands, and then I got a little emotional, so when she and I hugged goodbye, I teared up - really not expecting what was coming over me. But, it's who I am, so I let it go. My baby was finishing another year of preschool, he's growing up, and this woman was his caretaker this year. She nurtured my child, helped him and loved him and taught him in my absence, and she seemed to sincerely enjoy him. I thanked her for everything this year, and as we grabbed Banner's backpack and made sure there was nothing left in his cubby, we headed towards Aunt Kira's room to say goodbye. But, first, Ms. Hedy said, "Banner, let me see those dimples one last time," and my boy lit up, holding his cheeks for her.

Banner and Quinn feel quite at home in Aunt Kira & Nadine's classroom. So do I. But, this time I knew it was like the end of a chapter in our lives, when we would see Aunt Kira nearly daily. I know it's unusual for kids to go to school where their aunt works, but in our family, this has happened again and again. Caden, Mara, Banner, and even Quinn (once a week this year), all got to be at the school where Aunt Kira teaches. And, I was Caden & Mara's school counselor for 3 and 2 years, respectively. So, perhaps we are a bit spoiled to have family members be near us at school, but I'm okay with spoiled when it brings a bond that is so unique and special. Banner got to sit with Aunt Kira for most every morning assembly, which happened 2-3 times a week in the past two years. That's a lot of hanging out with each other. And, selfishly, it was always so nice for me to just pop in and chat or check in on my little sister. We know that won't be the case next year, and it's just going to be different. Kira and I have really enjoyed watching Quinn and Levi be able to spend so much time together this year, too; and it won't be like that next year. There's a bit of a feeling of being torn apart. But, I'm glad we had this time. We had a great groove going with Aunt Kira, Levi, and Grandma while I took on sub jobs this school year.  Not that those times are ending - it's just going to be different.

So, when it was really time to leave, Kira and I both had tears in our eyes. And, I hugged Nadine and didn't need to say much as we embraced. I just . . . kinda cried. :) Then, Kira told Banner how much she has enjoyed having him be at her school. She also told Quinn how much she would miss him and Levi playing together. And, then we made our way out of the classroom and down the hallway while Kira said, "I'm going to miss seeing you all each morning and sharing my days with you." I couldn't turn back. I just nodded, and then I thanked God no one saw us leaving! :) My eyes were burning, and I was trying to keep them from tearing. Luckily, the heat and trying to wrangle my dawdling boys helped distract me, and that was that! We were in the car and on our way to meet Daddy for lunch. When I called him from the car, I hadn't even said anything when he answered the phone saying, "Just take a deep breath." And, when we arrived at the restaurant, Banner got out of the car and greeted Daddy with, "I'm in Pre-K!"  That's right. Just take a deep breath.

Before our "photo shoot" - Quinn's watching a YouTube video that B wanted to see

Holding the first day of school picture

Way too sunny!

With Ms. Sheryl

Aunt Kira

With Ms. Hedy at the beginning of the day

At the end of the day - she's thanking him for making her laugh this year

Top: First and last day of 2's   Bottom: first and last days of 3's'

a picture of a picture Nadine took of Banner this week

Who I Am: Me as Mommy

When we are little, we all imagine what kind of parents we will be. We imagine all kinds of things we would do with our yet-to-be-born kids, we insist we would never do certain things our own parents do or don't do, we imagine ourselves to be the "coolest" parents or the "nicest" parents. And, as we get older, we start making judgments about situations we see. Even when we are still imagining our children, we are adamant that we would never do this or that; we would handle a situation differently, and we are very open in sharing our thoughts about how people with actual children behave.

Before I was a real-life parent with actual human beings depending on me for most everything (shelter, attention, education, entertainment, food, medicine, discipline, comfort, safety...), I was an exquisite mother. I never yelled, I was never stressed out, I said "yes!" to everything within reason, I was always teaching them things and loving doing so; it was so perfect! My kids never misbehaved, they were spotless all the time, they listened at my first request, and they were the perfect picture of etiquette and manners.

Then, I had children. And, reality set in. And, I learned I was a much better mom before I had kids. I've learned SO much from them and from this parenting gig. I've learned that I was a complete moron before I gave birth. But, I know I simply couldn't have known. At least NOW I know that. Back then (a mere 4 years ago), even though I thought things would be amazing, I also knew things could get rough. I THOUGHT I knew. But, you just can't prepare for parenthood until it's happening to you.

And in the midst of it all, I have learned who I really am as a mother. There's a long list of things I now know about myself that I never would have known, and it's made me want to reflect on those things a little bit.  Obviously, this list could go on and on - and in the years to come, I could add so much to it. Now I know that. I know that I don't know, and I know that I don't have a clue who I really am as their mom until it all happens. My kids did that for me. They opened up a whole new part of me to get to know. And, when I'm in the trenches, the raw, true, real part of me as a Mom surfaces, and it's been an amazing journey so far.

Who I Am as a Mommy:

-I'm a formula feeder. I don't breastfeed my children. I've thought about exclusively pumping for any future children, but that's not what I do. I'm a better mom when I don't worry about nursing, and that makes for a happier baby. When I tried to put breast milk as a top priority, everything else (including my bond with my child and my embracing of our new relationship) went by the wayside. So not worth it. I realize other moms bond with their babies through nursing, but that was not happening for me. Breastfeeding just doesn't work for me. And when it comes to my relationship with my babies, I choose the bond - not the breast!

-I have C-sections. My babies exit my body through my abdomen, and my beautiful scar (no really, it's beautiful; my OB did a fantastic job!) is where I remember their heads first saw the outside world. When I touch my scar, I remember my sweet newborns making their exit from their first home. And, while what I see is not as tight, smooth, and flawless as it once was (was it ever?), I embrace it because they LIVED and they lived THERE!

-I'm an open book. My mommy friends will tell you that I hold nothing back. If I'm going through something as a parent, they know about it, and we share it all. I LOVE connecting with other moms and just being honest and real about our (more often than not - shared) experiences. Maybe it's the counselor in me, but I never want others to feel alone, so even if I'm the one who discloses something first, I'm so glad I am connecting with these other moms!

-I'm the weirdo who prefers my kids wear diapers. I had a great experience potty-training Banner, but I have to say I'm in no hurry to potty-train my kids! While the expense of diapers is annoying, I'd much rather deal with changing a diaper than cleaning an accident or taking a child to the potty several times during a restaurant visit or a grocery store run! I'm not a fan of getting up in the middle of the night to change wet sheets or of being told "I have to go potty" just after we drive out of the neighborhood. For these reasons, diapers just don't bug me!

-I yell at my kids. I hate this part of me, and I am definitely hoping to be a "recovering yeller" so one day I can say "I USED to yell at my kids." But, in the meantime, I'm working on it. It happens rarely, so little that I can count the number of times on one hand, but it upsets me when it happens. It weighs on me heavily, and I will feel guilty about it for weeks. I don't yell at other people. Why would I yell at my children? The people I love more than anything on the planet, the people I hold most precious and dear. How do they get under my skin enough for me to raise my voice to them? Probably because I'm human and forget to take care of me when I need a break.

-I admit when I'm wrong. I have never gone to bed without apologizing to my children when I know I have made a mistake (see above!). I rock them, hold them, cuddle them, and tell them how sorry I am for my mistake.

-I am an "up-the-slide" mom. As long as there is no one waiting to go down the slide, I have no problem with my kids - or any others - climbing up the equipment.

-I'm all about screen time. I mean, I try to set some boundaries for it, but as long as they are watching appropriate and/or educational things, I'm really okay with it. I've seen some amazing things happen with my kids' learning through YouTube videos or even connecting with me/each other through video games we play together. I'm not opposed to giving Quinn my phone while we are grocery shopping if that helps everyone get through our errands without destroying anything or disturbing anyone. As long as they are still able to interact appropriately with others and maintain their social skills, I'm okay with screens!

-I don't take my mobility for granted. Every single time - EVERY time, people! - that I am being physically active with my kids, I am grateful. I reflect on how fortunate I am to be able to move freely as I kneel, bend, squat, roll, lift. The giggles and squeals of joy I hear from my children as we laugh together while rolling or "flying" or jumping or dancing or chasing - it's what I feared we'd never share when I was dealing with RA. I think back to the days with Banner when I couldn't do those things, and I give my past self a wink and a hug, embracing her in my head, telling her it's okay. Thank God, it's okay.

-I believe fighting over food is not worth the fight.  When Quinn was 15-months-old, he refused milk when in a sippy cup. Our doctor instructed for me to drop the bottle altogether and to only offer milk in the sippy cup - therefore withholding water from Quinn. Several days into this little activity, I decided I was dehydrating my son, and it wasn't worth the fight. So, I gave in to my gut, gave him his water in the sippy, and let our lives return to normal - just without a bottle. A couple days after that, the spell was lifted and Quinn eagerly drank his milk from a sippy cup. Months later, I was sick and tired of Banner refusing to eat meals I had made and having to cater to his limited palate every night. I read this amazing article that, once again, lifted a stress off of this household, and meal times are drama-free once again. Twice this week Banner has chosen not to eat, but there are no fights about it. What's more amazing than that - the kid has actually slept longer into the morning on these nights (unrelated, I'm sure, but at least he's not hungry throughout the night). What I make for dinner is the only option available - and more often than not, Banner chooses to try it out. Quinn has benefited as well, and he is eating more variety! Yes, it still frustrates and annoys me that Banner might refuse to eat a food I think he'd really enjoy if he'd give it a taste, but at least meals are much more relaxing with expectations set in place for all of us.

-I am not room mom material. I always imagined I would enjoy this role - and I longed for my own mom to be able to be at my school often enough that she could volunteer for this coveted role. But, alas, I am not a room mom. I volunteered for this position this year for Banner's 3's class, and I have learned my lesson: Never volunteer for this crap again! It's just "one more thing" to add to my stress level that's just not worth it. I never intend to be on the PTA board, I never see myself as heading any committees, and that is just fine with me! I'm happy to volunteer in other ways, though!

-It only took about 3 years - or maybe just a second kid - to become an "I don't give a $h*t" mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and care a great deal about them. I care VERY much about the big stuff, but I've learned to shrug off the little things. I don't care if my kids eat off the floor. I don't care if they want to have a tantrum every few minutes while I stick to my rules. I don't care if I look like crap at drop-off or pick-up - or more often than not, both. I don't care if I have spit up on my shoulder or graham cracker paste on my pants. I have just learned not to sweat the small stuff anymore. I used to be quite the sleep trainer - following the sleep lady's rules and reading up on how to best help the brain know it's time to sleep. I still think these things are greatly important for helping babies - but once you've done it all and nothing works and you're family is desperate for rest - screw the "rules" and do what works! Want me to sleep on your bedroom floor? Fine. Want to sleep in my bed? Fine. Need me to stay in your bed while you fall asleep. Done. Just go (the __) to sleep! See? I just.don't.care anymore. So liberating.

-Along those same lines, my house is usually a disaster of toys, crumbs, smears, hand prints, spills, and even some "what is that?!?" But, one thing that must happen every evening - the boys' bedrooms are spotless. From day one, it has been super-important to me that the kids have a peaceful, mess-free, calming bedroom. So, we don't go to bed with toys; books and toys are generally not strewn about their rooms because we don't even really play in there; clothes are put away; the floor has nothing on it. Now, any other part of the house - not so. Not even MY bedroom is spotless. But, at least their messes that bring out my inadequacies as a house-keeper do not impact their personal rest space!

-I don't craft. I used to love Pinterest and all the fun things I'd pin. It became a little obsessive, always looking for great ideas I was going to try/do with Banner when he was finally able to do them. I would just have to get to the craft store to get all the materials I needed to make some great educational craft or some cute festive trinket for the next holiday. I was going to be quite the little crafter with my son who would think what we were working on was amazing! . . . And then I tried the activity. Horrible. What took 30 minutes to set up would take 30 seconds to destroy. I quickly learned that crafting is not for me - at least not yet. We're all happier when we don't attempt these crazy activities and ideas.  I'll give it a chance again one snowy day years from now, but for the time being, my kids can craft at school, where teachers saints have the patience I just don't.

-I like a good laundry challenge. Bring on the paint, the ketchup, the ink, the spaghetti sauce, the poop. At the end of the day, I secretly enjoy spraying my kids' clothes to get stains out before the washing machine beats me to it. I love watching the magic of the stain remover (Melaleuca's PreSpot) with a little elbow grease from yours truly. When Banner first started preschool, the teachers warned that a great day could be seen all over messy clothes - the messier the clothes, the better the child's day of "work." I was ready, though! Bring.it.ON! Once, in a fit of desperation, I dipped the end of a Q-tip in some bleach and was able to get out the toughest stain Banner had brought home from school on one of his favorite shirts. On top of the world, I tell you.

-I am not judgmental. I used to be, but not anymore. I don't care if you agree with the things I'm doing with my kids and how I parent them. I don't care how you parent yours. I really don't. It only took a few days into this new role to learn that every mom is doing the best she can. Every parent is flying by the seat of his/her pants every.single.day. No one knows your kid better than you do, so every decision you make is about you and your kid - and it is not for me to say what is right or wrong. I can definitely think, "No, that would not work for me/my kid," or "Wow, I would never do that!" but it's not meant in a judgmental way - it's simply a truth of what works and what doesn't for my family. None of us are experts on parenting - we're just experts on our own kids. And, even then, we are very limited experts. We seriously never know what the heck we are doing, making it up every step of the way. So, no judgments.

-I am constantly concerned about trying to freeze time and capture my kids as they are in the moment. One of my favorite quotations is from Mary Poppins when Bert tells Mr. Banks: "You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone, though childhood slips like sand through a sieve. And, all too soon, they've up and grown, and then they've flown, and it's too late for you to give . . . just a spoonful of sugar to help that medicine go down..." I'm always trying to savor these days - writing on the blog, taking pictures, tearing up at their "last night before they turn ___," hugging them extra tight before they go to sleep each night... it really is like trying to grab the sand that is slipping away from you as time just keeps marching on. My senior yearbook quote was, "The only thing that stays the same is everything changes. Everything changes." And becoming a parent has magnified that constant changing and thrown it in my face daily - and I KNOW it goes fast, and it IS going fast, and I want it to SLOW DOWN!
 
And... with that, I'll stop for now. This list is incomplete, but definitely to be continued!