miRAcle

I've avoided writing this post for a while because I'm so terrified of "jinxing" my good fortune. But, I also want to reflect a little bit on what I think about every day.

Quinn is almost a year old. I can't believe my baby won't be such a "baby" in a few short weeks. There's plenty more to say about that, but that's for a different post.

Today, I want to talk about how Quinn turning one-year-old makes my body feel and how much I've been reflecting on the past year-and-a-half. I feel amazing. I really do, and not a single day passes when I don't think about what a "miRAcle" my boy is to my body.

Almost exactly 13-months after Banner was born, I had my first RA flare. I didn't know that's what was happening at the time, and I spent a lot of money and time and an unnecessary surgery trying to figure out what the hell was happening in my right knee. A couple months later, I had a diagnosis of "pauciarticular seronegative rheumatoid arthririts." It basically meant that I had rheumatoid (as opposed to osteo-) arthrititis in a few joints even though my blood work was not showing a positive RA factor. My rheumatologist wanted to try anti-inflammatory medications (NSAIDs), but when none of them were helping, he was ready to move to DMARDs - higher power medication (rather than using the drugs that I'd been trying which, as a friend once said, "are like spitting on a fire"). Because those medications are harmful to pregnant women and/or a growing fetus, I was adamant that I shouldn't start these more serious drugs when Sam and I wanted more children - and probably sooner than later. So, with this new knowledge, we began trying to conceive. My doctor gave us 4 months to try to get pregnant before he would insist on starting medication. I was a bit worried about this because we took 5 months to get pregnant with Banner.

We were lucky and got pregnant with Quinn 2 months later. When I visited my rheumatologist again, I was thrilled to tell him I was 10-weeks pregnant! At that time, though, I was still experiencing joint pain and fatigue (although the fatigue was hard to tell if it was due to being pregnant while taking care of an active toddler!). My doctor said that 1 in 3 women start to feel better during pregnancy, and that if I were one of those women, I'd start feeling better at about 14-16 weeks. Thankfully, I was one of those women! Somewhere in that exact window, my body rejoiced by feeling some freedom from joint pain and swelling. And, I kept feeling better and better! Seriously, what pregnant woman feels better the bigger her belly gets? I was feeling so great, and mentally, I was enjoying the freedom it brought. I could play with Banner, get on and off the floor with ease (minus the awkwardness that a growing belly brings). I could bathe him, dress him, lift him... it was amazing.

And, once Quinn came, my body stayed calm! I have weird inflammatory reactions to things every now and then, but my joints are awesome. I'm not flaring, I'm not fatigued, I'm not achy or flu-like. It's truly a miRAcle. :)  But, as the first couple months passed, I worried that my symptoms would return. At a check-up with my rheumatologist when Quinn was only 8-weeks-old, he told me that if the RA were to flare-up again, it usually happens around 14-16 weeks after delivery. So, I waited, terrified, for those weeks to approach, and when they passed without event, I was relieved!

I've been in "remission" for about a year and a half now, and I am beyond grateful that my body is doing well. Even if symptoms return (and God-willing they won't!), I am so appreciative that I've had this long break from the pain. It's awful pain. I remember it well, and I will often think about how my life would be if I were still hurting like that. I "fly" Banner on my feet, and he likes to stand on my hands while I raise him high above me while laying on my back. Quinn likes to come over and roll around on the floor with me after he sees Banner doing these fun things. I am the mommy I want to be. I can run and chase my boys, I can lift them up high, I can dress them, bathe them, get on the floor and be on their level with them. I can take them shopping and not ask for help. I can carry them - both at the same time! - and all of their things. I can dress myself and dry my hair and rock a fussy baby in the middle of the night. But not a moment goes by when I don't appreciate those actions. I do not take them for granted. And, I never will!

Sure, as we approach 13-months postpartum, I worry. My anxiety is raised a bit. I've talked with my doctor about the "what-ifs" and the "if/thens" and he assured me that we can tackle any pain, but that would involve big-time meds. I sincerely hope that is not the case, and I hope I only ever see my doctor again in passing at some store or movie theater ... but, I do worry. My friend, Amanda, over at All Flared Up, was recently published on Healthline, writing about 29 things only someone with RA would understand. Luckily, I don't know a life with a lot of the things on her list because I only suffered with the diagnosis for a short time. But, man, I can empathize, and some of the items on her list, I totally get and am so thankful that I'm not experiencing. I have a new understanding for people with invisible illnesses and constant pain. I was one of them for a while, and I can't help but feel so lucky that I'm not right now. The thought of remission ending makes me terrified. I don't want my boys robbed of the physically-able mom I've become for them! I don't want to go back to that hell I was living in - the hell that my body was.

Sometimes as I rock Quinn at night, I thank him. He brought reprieve to my achy body. He brought peace to the prison that it was. And, even though he's a miracle just by being him and being here, my sweet boy made me a better, healthier mommy for him and for Banner, and for that he's my "miRAcle."
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For more information about RA, visit this post I wrote a while ago, or go to RA Warrior's website (Love her!). And, something I contributed a year ago was published on Health Monitor's website! Check it out! :)