Journey to the Knot: And Another Year Makes FOUR!

Dear Banner,
Two weeks ago, we were sitting in the living room together. I was holding you across my lap, cradling you like a baby with your head in the nook of my arm. I told you it was Landry's birthday, which meant you had exactly 2 weeks until YOUR birthday. You were thrilled about this idea! Lit up, giggled, and smiled ear to ear! As your long legs draped over and down my thigh and your arms held tight to mine, I teared up a little as I said, "So, you'll only be my 3 year old for two more weeks!" It was in that very moment that it hit me I was losing my 3-year-old, and I wanted to savor you just like that - beaming grin, bright blue eyes, dimpled cheeks, freshly cut hair, soft tender skin, and still my little boy - as a little 3 year-old. Three, that once seemed so big to me, when in reality it's still so little. And while four isn't that much bigger, losing my 3-year-old made me just . . . well, scared! Oh, time. Damn TIME. Stop moving so quickly.

Anyway, we had a conversation about how big you are getting and how I don't want you to get so big so fast! You, of course, are constantly wanting to be a big boy - always asking when you are going to be a grown up. You are both curiously excited and cautiously hesitant about the idea of being a grown up. "When will I be able to drive a car?" and after my response, "But how will I know what to do? Will you teach me?" You are concerned about how to be a grown up, but you can't wait to be one. And, I just want you to slow down, Angel. Slow, slow, slow down. Don't be in such a rush.

But you are. And I get it. You seem to always want to be (and usually you already are) a step ahead. You are so clever, so very smart. You're curious and creative. Throughout this year, I've had to remind myself that you were only three! Your verbal skills, negotiation skills, and problem solving skills are seemingly well beyond your years. In our parent/teacher conference with Ms. Hedy we talked about how gifted you seem to be. . . using great vocabulary, always kind to your friends (well most of the time), good at asking for help when you are upset, showing anger appropriately, and a lot more. She was really pleased with you this school year, and so were we! At home, you let your guard down more, and you can be very stubborn and difficult - which others have a hard time believing. But, when you don't get your way, you are a little sassy and can even be downright mean and angry. I'm glad you aren't like that most other places, though. Again, sometimes it has been hard for me to remember you are still so little and to give you more of my patience.

Three was rough, I'm not gonna lie. I've heard four can be just as tumultuous. Not sure how to feel about that - but I'm glad we made it through three. At the same time, there were times when you can be the sweetest, most loving little boy. You always keep us on our toes, and I have a feeling being a first-time parent to you through all these stages and ages will always be like that. As in years past, I want to apologize to you for not always knowing. You're our teacher a lot of the time, and sometimes you have a lot to teach us. There are times when I know I have completely failed, but more often than not, we are figuring life out together and winning.

At four years old, we are tackling big topics: stranger danger, appropriate touch, lying/honesty, death and dying, growing up and becoming more responsible, feeling shy and uncertain, giving to others and doing mitzvot, respect for others and our property. You ask big questions, and I love our conversations. While some of these topics can be scary and overwhelming for both of us, I love that we can be open and honest with each other - that no question is off limits, that if we don't know we figure it out together, that we can always come back to topics again and again.

Random Facts:

Your favorite colors are yellow and green. You adore your "Turtle Time" when I allow you time on the iPad (usually to beg me for a free game from the App store). You are a pro at navigating Netflix and finding Chuggington or Rescue Bots or Daniel Tiger or The Hive or Lego Friends. You love Team Umizoomi and Paw Patrol, but you'll still stop whatever you're doing to watch Yo Gabba Gabba when Quinn watches it. You could eat donuts for breakfast every morning if I let you. You'd gladly eat dessert only at every meal, and lollipops will get you to do just about anything. Your favorite snack is S'mores. You are working on consistently holding your crayon/pencil/marker/pen correctly. You have gotten to really start enjoying Quinn now that he can talk to you, and you will even say, "Great job, Quinn!" when he says a word or sings along with you. You like a companion when you have to go potty - not much preferring privacy. You are getting to be more timid and shy around new people. You love Legos and making train tracks - although you insist on having a lot of help then get demanding when you don't like the way I did it! You tell me I'm "mean" a lot - and I've given up on caring because I know I'm not! :) You love to have screaming matches with your little brother, but you are still terribly annoyed and startled by loud, sudden noises. You are still in Pull-Ups at night, although I know you are ready to be done with those. If only you'd stop peeing in them first thing in the morning, we could do without them! You eat your boogers, and you're not ashamed of it at this point. No matter how many times I beg you to stop, you love your boogers more than my requests - and seemingly more than my meals. You love your calendar and want to know what's coming up next for you (something you come by naturally). You've gotten really good at understanding it - also knowing your days of the week and months of the year. You're a good swimmer, but you don't believe it yet - always very nervous for your swim lessons with Ms. Patty; you have a nervous tummy like Mommy! You close your eyes when you taste a new food - and often when you are truly enjoying a yummy food! You enjoy checking Quinn's diaper when you think he has a poop. :) You had your first play date on your own at "Big Levi's" house a couple weeks ago. You wear: 4T clothing mostly (some 3T stuff still fits you) and just started wearing size 6 underwear/boxers (which are way baggy on you, but you like them like that), and size 9.5-10 shoes. You go to sleep around 7:45pm (after starting bath at 7:00). You wake up around 7:00am.

Well Check with Dr. B: (I added this part on June 10th.)
You did a great job talking with and listening to Dr. B this morning! You're due for 2 mixed vaccines which we will do in a few days at a local pharmacy (since they're so darn expensive at the doctor's office without insurance!): DTaP/IPV & MMR/Chicken Pox. So, that made our visit extra easy today. One funny thing that happened was when we were filling out your developmental checklist, I asked you to name the colors on the page. You correctly named "yellow," "green," "blue," and then we got to red. You said some word I didn't understand. I assumed you were being silly and said, "Banner, what color is this?" You said the same word again. I then said, "What word is that?" You said, "It's Hebrew for 'red.'" Daddy and I laughed, and then Daddy said, "Should we give him extra points for that?" We told Dr. B why we were laughing when he entered the room immediately after that happened. He thought it was pretty funny, too. Anyway, here are your stats:

Weight: 36.4 pounds = 52nd percentile (gained 5 pounds since last year)
Height: 40.25 inches = 50th percentile (grew 3.5 inches since last year)
BMI: 15.2 = 50th percentile

A Few Memorable Quotes from the past 6 months:

"Mommy, is someone gonna come in my room and take me from my bed and you'll have to chase them with your car?" (December)
"We listen to Mommy because she's our special lady!" (December)
"HOLY MOLY! HOLY, MOLY!" (opening Zaide & BeeBee's gift to you in December)
"G shared his guitar with me before going to the playground, but when we came inside again, he said I couldn't play with it anymore. It made me sad. I couldn't play with it anymore because . . . it was lunch time." (Very sad on "lunch time," January)
"Mommy, I don't want Daddy to do me tonight. I want you to do me tonight. I want you to do me tonight because you're my best friend." (January, talking about who will be putting him to bed)
"Can we go to Ms. Hedy's house and play with her toys?" And, after my reply that she doesn't have toys, "Yes she does, for her children." And, after my reply that her children are grown up, "Does she have grown up friends?"
One day you were stalling while putting on underwear after using the potty. I was helping you put them on. When your hand was in your crotch, I said, "Come on, Banner. Let's go," trying to hurry you along. You said, "Mommy, my penis has two hard circles in it." I said, "Yes, those are testicles." You replied, "I don't like those; I don't want them." I said, "Yes, you do. All boys have those balls; they are in a sack under your penis," and then you looked to explore. Then, "Mommy, do you have those?" I said, "No, girls don't have balls, I mean testicles." And your reply: "Then I want to be a girl."
"Mommy, can I marry you?" (January 29, 2015!)
"Mommy, you're my girlfriend." (February)
"I don't know who that character is," pointing to Brosch in Shalom Sesame book; loved your use of "character"
You used the word "yesternight" one evening, and Daddy and I looked it up later - it's a real word!
We didn't have the ingredients to make hamantashen before Purim, so you came up with a great idea: "We can take some bread and use a cup to make circles in it, then we can put strawberry jam inside the circle and fold it up to make a triangle."
"We need to throw Quinn away. He's naughty."
I told you one night that I had a surprise for you, and you said: "We're throwing Quinn away?!" with a smile across your face.
Your Passover questions: "Did Moses get the plagues? He should have." And in the same conversation: "Only Pharoah was the bad guy, so only he should get the plagues."
One night you asked me who your mommy will be when you grow up, who will Grandma be to your children, will we still live in the same house. You told me you wanted 3 kids, but Mommy and Daddy should have 10. You wanted to know who Grandma's grandma is.
"Who's your dad?" Big boss. "Who's Daddy's Mommy?" Bubbie. "But she died, and I really want to ask her a question, and I'll never know the answer." What's the question? "Did Bubbie like firetrucks?" . . . long pause, Mommy tears up . . . says to ask Daddy. . . Daddy replies, "You know, that's a good question. I don't know. But, I think she did because she always stopped for them when they had a siren and lights on."
One evening after getting a scratch on your nose, I told you we needed to put medicine on it so it won't scar. You asked if it would be there until you die. I showed you my scar on my forehead, and we looked at your scar on your mouth.
In the tub one night, you asked for Daddy to make the water dark purple. You asked if it was dark purple, and Daddy said, "I think so, but we have to ask Mommy. She's better at colors." You replied, "Daddy, you're a grown up; you're a great color . . . counselor."
One day watching Paw Patrol, you said, "Why are those pups driving vehicles? Pups can't drive vehicles!"
"Mommy, LOOK! I always wanted that!" to just about any toy or game you see anywhere!
Just last night, I had a complete "MOM FAIL!" We were getting ready to do calendar and read books, but first as we crawled on to your bed, we were talking about this being the last night as a 3-year-old, and I made the (dumb) comment: "I'm never going to see you again as a 3-year-old, and that makes me a little sad." I had tears in my eyes, and you paused, staring at me. I thought you were intrigued by my tears, but you got emotional too. When I asked what was making you sad, you said, "Mommy, I'm going to miss you!" then you burst into tears. I quickly realized that you had heard something different than what I meant! So, I tried to fix it, and you just kept crying. I cradled you, and you cried real, hard tears! "I'm going to miss you, Mommy!" I tried to assure you I wasn't going anywhere, that I was your mom for good, that all I meant was that tomorrow you'd be a 4-year-old. I was your mom when you were born, when you turned 1, and 2, and 3, and I will be when you turn 4, and 5, and 6... Poor guy. I totally traumatized you for a good 2-3 minutes. Utter mommy failure in that moment. I'm so sorry! From now on, I'll stick to the phrase my mom always uses: "The next time I see you, you'll be __ years old." Although, come to think of it, she also used to say, "This is the last time I'm going to tuck you in as a __-year-old." So, see... she did it too!

To Celebrate:
This morning, you started stirring around 7:30. Daddy, Quinn, and I came in your room singing "Happy Birthday" with a bag of balloons to drop on your bed as you woke up. You were grumpy for a minute and only wanted me, but when I reminded you it was your birthday, you quickly bounced up and were excited to play with your balloons! Then, we had donuts for breakfast (after singing "Happy Birthday" for the second time). Since Mommy had a meeting, Daddy took you to Grandma's house, and then Logan and Landry picked you up to go to Lil Ninjas (a first time visit there). Since Quinn is sick, I waited with him at Grandma's after my meeting, and then we met you, Logan, and Landry for lunch at Chili's. Then, we raced home for "Turtle Time" and Quinn's nap. Then, Daddy picked us up after work to go meet whoever could come to Chuck E. Cheese's - a surprise we didn't tell you about until you were in the car! You loved it there - playing games, getting tickets, picking prizes, eating cake, meeting Chuck E. Such a fun night! So many of your favorite things today, and I'm so happy for you!

Banner Boone, 4 years ago today, we met, and you made me a mommy. Even on my most tired, exhausted, frustrated days, there's not a day that goes by that I don't at some point think to myself, "Oh my God, he's so beautiful." And, I mean inside and out. You are a gorgeous creature, Angel Baby. I am so lucky you are ours, we are yours, and we get to have this life with you.

I wish you a very happy 4th birthday! May this year be as amazing as you are!
All my love, all my life,
I love you.
Love,
Mommy

Some pics from the last 24 hours: