I'm so thoroughly excited to finally be able to publish a post on this blog about the past few mo
nths. While I've tried to keep the posts coming, it's been really hard to NOT write about the reality of what's been going on around here. So, here's the whole story in (what I hope to be) a nutshell (yeah, right!). Allow me to "break it down" (as DJ Lance says on Yo Gabba Gabba):
The Plan
As many of you know, I have a rheumatoid disease that affects my joints. For several months, I had been working with my rheumatologist to find the right low-level medication to help my symptoms and stop the progression of the disease. Much to my disappointment and frustration, the NSAIDs (anti-inflammatory meds) I have tried have not helped, and the disease has attacked new joints. The next level of medications my doctor suggested cannot be in my system for up to 3 months before Sam and I wanted to try to get pregnant. Since 1 in 3 pregnant women with rheumatoid arthritis actually get better during pregnancy, my rheumatologist made a deal with me. He said he would give me 3 months to try to get pregnant before moving forward with trying different medications... since I REALLY didn't want to be on ANYTHING while pregnant. Not only did I feel this was the right thing for my body, but my OB did not want me on anything either. So, as I left the rheumatologist's office, I said, "Next time I see you, I hope I'm pregnant!" His response was, "Next time I see you, I hope you're pregnant AND feeling better." Touche! Because, if I'm not getting better, he will still want me to try medications that are "okay" during pregnancy - medications that do not cross the placenta. Even though I feel like I can tolerate and handle the pains of my disease, my doctor knows that the body is still being attacked and the disease could cripple me without the right treatment. SO... with all the knowledge and information we were given, Sam and I decided there was no better time than the present to start growing our family (which we wanted to do anyway)!
How I Found Out
We had hoped to get pregnant on our cruise in November, but it would take one additional month of trying to actually conceive. So, I'll spare you the details and just tell you that we're 99% sure we conceived on Christmas Day. If you remember my
post about the beautiful snow... I
told you it was a "miraculous day!" A couple weeks later, January 5th, I decided to take a pregnancy test. During Banner's nap, I took a test and saw the faintest positive... so faint, in fact, that I almost wanted to go to Sam and say, "Do you see that? Does that count?" But, I had a special plan, so I waited. Later that night, I decided to use the digital test we had for a clear yes/no answer. I waited until Banner went to sleep, told Sam I had a "tummy ache" so I could buy myself some alone time in the bathroom, and only had to wait one and a half minutes (yes, I used my iPhone timer) to see "Pregnant" on my trusty test-stick! I carefully tucked both tests (the earlier one and the digital one) into my side and made my way to the kitchen.
How I Told Sam
Banner was having a hard time falling asleep that night, which worked out well for my plan. Sam was distracted trying to get Banner to sleep while I was placing my test strips in a hamburger bun (which I purposefully asked that we buy earlier that day to have hamburgers for this exact reason). I quietly put the sticks in the oven, and when Banner was finally asleep, I asked Sam if he wanted me to make us some cookies. When I "tried" to turn on the oven, it "didn't work!" I called Sam over to "help" me figure out what was "wrong" with the oven, and when he was able to turn it on right away, I said, "Wait! Is something in there?" He opened the oven to see this:
"What is that?!" he said - completely dumbfounded. I was quiet for a second, hoping he'd figure it out (duh!!!), but my slow husband was like, "What??" I said, "Get it? It's a BUN IN THE OVEN!" Again, he said, "What? What's in it?" He reached in, took out the bun, and opened it to see this:
See what I mean about the faint line on the bottom test? You can't even see it in this picture... but it was there!! In fact, just to prove it to myself, I took another one like 4 days later, and the test line was way darker than the control line. See?
Anyway, back to my story... Sam was incredibly happy. He said, "SERIOUSLY!?" a couple times, and hugged me tight. Then, a few tears fell from both of our eyes. It was emotional for two reasons - of course the first was that we were so ecstatic about this baby, and the second was the pain we felt in knowing that Sam's mom would never know this baby. There was an intense missing of her in that moment. But, later that night, as we talked about who we could tell and when, and as we cried over not being able to tell her, I said, "She knew before we did. She knew before anyone."
What the Doctor Said
I called the doctor the next day just to know when they would want to schedule my first appointment. With Banner, they wouldn't see me until 8 weeks, so I expected to have to wait. But, it's amazing how things have changed in only 2 years, and the receptionist asked if I could come in the following day, January 8th. Of course! I was super anxious about it, but it was a good appointment. The doctor confirmed a positive test - although he agreed it was super-early. He wanted me to come back in 2 weeks for a sonogram to see a heartbeat... which we did, and we got to see our little "grain of rice" with a flickering heartbeat at 6 weeks. At that point, the heart rate was about 117 bpm, but the sonographer told us that is normal for being so early in the pregnancy. (A month later, at our 10 week check-up, the heart rate was up to 167.) It was at the 6 week appointment that we got an official due date. I was measuring three days behind based on my LMP, but since I knew I had ovulated three days late, I was not surprised. Our due date is
September 18, 2013. We will most likely do a repeat C-section a week ahead of that time, though. My doctor is super-conservative - annoyingly so, actually - and he won't allow any medication in the first 12 weeks, which really has been hard without my allergy meds this season! He also suggested we not tell anyone until 12 weeks since the rate of miscarriage drastically drops at that point.... but, we had a hard time keeping our mouths shut!
How We Told Our Family
With Banner, we were able to keep the pregnancy a secret from most everyone (minus my mom, sister, and both of our best friends). We were overjoyed that I would be exactly 12 weeks pregnant with him on Thanksgiving Day and we would see all sides of our families that day, so it was perfect to wait until then. But, with this pregnancy, there was no upcoming big event to share our news. In fact, there were a few things happening right around that time that we did not want our news to take away from - specifically, the birth of my nephew and some other birthdays. Also, I really felt like I wanted our families to know as I started feeling more and more nauseous and needed to know I could ask for help with Banner.
Instead of telling everyone at once, we kind of dragged it out and told different people at different times and in different ways. We told Mom, Bob, Kira, and Erick the day after we found out. With Mom and Bob, we showed them a shirt online we "wanted to get Banner." Mom said the same thing Sam did, "Seriously? Seriously?!" With Kira, I asked her if she would add a new charm to my necklace in September. I've never heard her scream so loud - and jump so high! With Erick... well, Kira had already told him, and he couldn't fake not knowing when Sam showed him the same shirt he'd shown my mom and Bob.
We told Sam's dad at 5 weeks the same way. At 6 weeks, we told Brock and Mischelle (and asked them not to tell Caden & Mara). We were all eating dinner at my mom's house, and Sam had made chili. When he asked who wanted some, I said, "That sounds disgusting and makes me want to puke, kinda like everything else since I'm 6 weeks pregnant." Brock and Mischelle were really surprised and excited. A week later, we told Shelby & Paul. We were at my father-in-law's for Superbowl Sunday, and Sam basically said, "I'm really bummed Gayle and Jason aren't here because I wanted to tell everyone that Amber's pregnant." Shelby turned around and said, "Really?!" Later that night, Sam called Gayle to share the news with her and Jason.
At 9 weeks, Sam and I had brunch with my dad. As we were walking into the restaurant, Dad put his arm around me and said, "So, how've you been?" "Pregnant!" I said. "What? Really?! I did not expect you to say that!"
At 11 weeks, 6 days, we had an appointment with our maternal fetal medicine doctor (who we also saw with Banner per the OB's typical referral) for a first trimester screening. At that time, the baby was measuring 3 days ahead (back to being "on schedule" according to my LMP), but they won't change the due date again. Everything looked good, and we got a great report. Just like with Banner, they offered to do a gender prediction based on bone structure near the pelvis. Since they were wrong with Banner, we had decided not to let them tell us a prediction - but... in the moment of seeing our baby on screen, we changed our minds! We decided "for shits and giggles" let's see if they are right or wrong this time. I'm pretty sure they're right since I could see clearly what they were talking about this time (as opposed to a little bit of uncertainty at Banner's sono at that early time), but we won't disclose that now. They did, however, offer a new blood test which screens for chromosomal abnormalities, and that test can test for gender with 99.4% certainty - so we'll wait and share that news when the blood test comes back in (about another week and a half)!!
Two days later, Sam and I decided it was time to share our news with the world.
How I Am Feeling
At four weeks, I was starving all the time. I even asked my doctor if that was normal to feel so famished so early in the pregnancy. He said it was. I remember wanting to eat all the time, anything and everything. Fast forward a week and a half later, and nausea started - making me not want to eat. Pretty much since almost 6 weeks pregnant, I have had nausea that always hits around 3 or 4 in the afternoon and lasts until about 8:00pm or so. It's been hard to get dinner ready, to eat dinner, to not assume Banner felt my nausea and queasiness (weird, I know - I start to think he's full or gonna throw up just because
I feel that way), or to feel energetic at all after Banner's nap. I'm not nearly as exhausted as I felt with Banner, but I am tired and want to sit a lot (although I'm not sure if that's due to the RA or the pregnancy). I've been getting headaches the past couple weeks, I have lower back pain from time to time, I have had a horrible taste in my mouth the past couple months (although that is improving as we make our way out of the first trimester), and I'm . . . well, jealous of how easily and how often Banner poops! ;) Heartburn is making a reappearance, but luckily it's not as bad (yet!) as it was with Banner - and as bad as I know it's going to get. I'm trying to enjoy that right now! By far, my worst symptom has been the ongoing allergy issues that my doctor won't let me take anything for... hoping the weather will pick a season to stick to pretty soon, as this back and forth cold/hot is killing me!
I haven't had any weird cravings (and I never did with Banner), but I do tolerate certain foods (and the thought of them) better than others. Specifically, I have been living off of anything potato-y (mashed, baked, fries), cheese, bagels, fruit, mac & cheese, granola bars, and cereal... and ice cream sits really well, too! Lunch is my easiest, best meal. Since Banner loves bagels, too, we often end up getting a quick lunch from Einstein's for a bacon & cheese egg sandwich. YUM! I try to make that meal my biggest since I can stomach it better and get more nutrients in at that time. Quite honestly, I'm so sick of thinking about food. I can get painfully hungry in a matter of seconds, but the thought of eating is awful, so I'm getting annoyed and frustrated at always having to figure out what will make that hunger stop. Planning meals and thinking ahead to always have snacks is a pain, too. I never know what will satisfy me, and sometimes I'll want to eat something until it's actually ready to eat and staring me in the face - then I can't stand the sight, smell, or thought of it!
As for the RA, I'm not sure yet. I'm definitely not worse! That's a good thing. I feel like my knees bend easier and less painfully, and I haven't complained about my wrists or elbows but maybe a couple times in the past 2-3 months (which is huge!). The fatigue is still rough in the evenings - but, like I said before, I'm not sure if that's RA or pregnancy - or being a mom! My jaw still hurts and clicks, but I'm working with my dentist to help with that, as well. I see my rheumatologist in 3 weeks, and I am hoping he'll allow me to stay drug-free.
Emotionally, I'm beyond happy! I am still in shock that this is real - that we got pregnant so quickly. For no specific reason, I have a lot of anxiety about keeping the pregnancy - probably because I read too much and know too many things can go wrong and over-think EVERYTHING (as evidenced by this sentence!), but with each great check-up, I am reassured that there really is a baby in there, that he/she is growing, and that I really am pregnant. There have been a handful of times when I think I feel the baby. I know it's way too early, and I certainly don't feel kicks and jabs like I can't wait to feel later, but I'm pretty sure I've felt a tiny little butterfly in there a few times. I'm almost positive I felt Banner like this around 14-15 weeks, and now that I know what to feel for, I'm thinking that's what I felt. But, who knows!? I guess I'm hoping to feel the baby sooner than later so I can be reassured that he/she is doing okay. It's a hard thing for me to deal with - not knowing how my own baby is doing. I always wished I could see into the womb with Banner, and this baby has me feeling the same way. I want to check in on him/her all the time! Sam wishes I would relax a little and not worry so much. But, I'm the mom - and that's my job, whether I want to do it or not - I have no choice and will worry away even when I try not to!
But, Sam has been amazing through this first trimester - just like he was when I was pregnant with Banner. He has, once again, gone above and beyond being a dad to this baby and an amazing husband to me by taking such great care of us. He brings me cereal first thing in the morning for my growling belly in the hopes that it will help ward off morning sickness. He makes dinner for us at night when the thought of cooking makes me want to barf. And, he doesn't get upset when I won't eat what he cooked because the only thing I can tolerate at dinner is mashed potatoes. He picks up groceries since the sight of all those aisles of food makes me sick. He gets up early with Banner and does more of the work at night in getting him ready for bed. He lets me sleep in more and runs out to grab whatever food I'm craving no matter what time it is. He listens to me bitch about my aches and pains, he rubs my head when I have a headache, and he never rolls his eyes when I say, "Can you do me a favor?" for the thousandth time! He's super-excited about this baby - awaiting my growing belly and feeling him/her kick inside! He couldn't wait to share the news with everyone - probably more so than me! And, he is so ready for Banner to meet his little sibling. I mean, look at that smile!!
While I know that giving Banner a sibling is the best gift we could ever give him, I'm sad for him and our family of 3 just a little. When Sam and I started
thinking about trying to conceive, we were both emotional. We never want Banner to feel like he wasn't enough for us. We never want him to think he wasn't good enough. We never want him to feel like a new baby took his parents away from him at all. Just like I
mourned "Samber," I know I will mourn my family of 3 and hold on to the memories of "when it was just us."
In the meantime, we have 6 months to prepare for this little nugget's arrival. Banner has 6 more months of being an only child. I have 6 more months to help him grow and mature so he can be more independent and be the best big brother. We have 6 months left of uninterrupted sleep! And, you have 6 more months of me blogging about yet another pregnancy! (Sorry!!)
