A Drive in the Rain

When Caden was born, we anticipated his name being "Taylor," - not Caden. (Taylor became his middle name, and I think Caden Taylor is an awesome name!) A few weeks before he was born, Kira and I made him a lullaby CD called "Taylor's Tunes." Several weeks ago, I came across this mix CD at my mom's house, so I took it for a while to play in my car with Banner. As I predicted, Banner doesn't really want to listen to lullaby songs while in the car and asks, "Please?" when I play any of it - his way of asking me to turn it off. Therefore, I never really get to hear all the songs on it.

Tonight was different, though. Sam picked Banner up from me at my mom's house and took him to his dad's house for a visit, so I had the rare (and very special!) opportunity to drive home alone. Normally I use times like these to call friends or at least turn up my music really loud and belt out some forceful notes in a concert all my own. But, tonight was different. I've had a minor headache all day today, so I decided to turn on "Taylor's Tunes" and get some lullaby relaxation as the rain fell on my windshield. This was just what my headache needed.

About halfway home, though, I realized that I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. Something made me remember that it's around this time that hearing begins to develop, and suddenly I had a flashback to the first time Sam and I played music for Banner when I was pregnant with him. All of a sudden, I was overcome with emotion as I sat at a traffic light listening to this beautiful instrumental piece of music. Tears sat on my eyelids as I recalled how emotional Sam and I both were that snowy day we put headphones on my pregnant belly and played "All My Loving" followed by "In My Life" by the Beatles. I couldn't wait to remind Sam about this later in the evening and play some songs for THIS baby!

After this realization and the excitement of being able to start sharing music with our little nugget, the emotion continued as I got SO excited to do this baby thing all over again! So much of the time, I have been worried about how I'll manage a toddler and a newborn, how Banner will feel with a new sibling, how our lives will change as parents to two kids, how much work (and sleepless nights and emotion and energy and frustration...) it will take to "start all over again" with a new baby. But, as hard as it is and as much as I'm worried (and anxious and nervous and stressed...), oh my goodness it is so worth it!

The rain continued to fall on my windshield as I sat in our driveway enjoying the instrumental music, the sound of the rain, the peace and quiet from the back seat, and just being alone for a few minutes with my thoughts and my tears. From the driveway, I looked in the empty garage in front of me and remembered the belly laughs Banner gave as Sam swept the leaves out of it this time last year. I've never seen such joy from such a trivial chore; Banner thought the sweeping motion (or sound?) was the funniest thing and had us all giggling. I looked at the fence next to me, and I remembered all the summer fun we had just behind it last year - running through sprinklers, trying to chase bubbles, laughing while sliding on the playscape and slipping all over the wet grass, splashing in the wading pool. I looked towards my neighbors' house, and I could "hear" Banner coming around the corner from the front of the house, helping to drag the branches Sam had just cut down in the front yard. So many memories - and that's just in this one little area of the house! I got so excited and overwhelmed with joy at the idea of being able to do this all over again, to add another little human to this family.

More songs continued to play, and some of them reminded me of being in the hospital only hours and days after Banner was born. Some songs reminded me of rocking Banner to sleep or putting him down for a nap when he was an infant. As hard as those days may have been, and as much as I felt like I had no idea what the hell I was doing, those days went by too fast, and just like I knew I would - I do long for them. My boy is still so young, and I still continue to embrace these early years of his childhood, but just stopping for a minute to take it all in, to listen to those songs, to watch the rain... it was one of those moments I needed to remind myself how amazing it all is, how truly blessed we are, and how I can't wait to do it a second time. I'm really hopeful that I'll be able to truly enjoy the second time a little more - to know what's coming, to feel more confident in my parenting and my abilities as a mother, to give up "sweating the small stuff," and to know that "this too shall pass" when I'm overwhelmed with any negative feeling. Because, just as I always knew with Banner, "this too shall pass" applies to the tender, sweet, joyful moments - and I'll be wishing they were mine again before I know it.

I'm so thankful for my drive home today - for the rain, for the music, for the memories, and for the feelings of pure love and gratitude. In moments of concern and worry about our changing life, I need these reminders of the amazing times to come! My heart is so full, and I'm already so in love with this baby. Tonight, I have every intention of playing music for Baby with Sam by my side. While I'm not positive that the baby can actually hear it, and I'm sure Baby can't really make sense of it yet - I'm sure it will be a moment I'll never forget, and I'm sure it will make me cry all over again!