11 Years Ago, on the 11th Day of September

Dear Banner,

Throughout your life, you will hear stories of generations before you. You will learn about events in history that seem SO long ago that you'll wonder why you need to even bother learning them. You will sit in a social studies class and learn about ancient times, or at least what may seem like ancient times, and you will think these events have nothing to do with you. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and older cousins will want to share stories of their youth, of how life was when they were your age, or how different things are now. You already know that Daddy and I will share stories of our childhoods with you; in fact, I have already done that in a previous post about the 80's, the first decade of my life. I hope you will listen to these stories and truly want to know the people in your life and who they really are; I hope you will want to learn about where your people came from; I hope you will be intrigued and want to learn from their personal stories. And, I hope one day, you will realize that this "ancient history" isn't so far from your lifetime, and the stories you hear will bring you closer to understanding humanity, love, civility, compassion, and right from wrong.

Tonight, I am sitting here watching you sleep, all warm and cuddly in your crib. And, I have a strong urge to share an incredible story with you. (When I say "incredible" I mean literally "not believable.") I am not sure how I'll ever really explain the details of such an incredible story, but I'm going to do my best. This story is one all boys and girls need to know, it's part of the American story, and it's part of our collective psyche. It's the one story that makes me hate that I brought you into a world where such awful things can happen, but it's the same story that reminds me you were born in an amazing country full of courageous leaders, brave fighters, and noble heroes. It's the story of what will continue to be referred to as "9/11." This phrase refers to a date, September 11th, 2001. That seems like a long time ago, but for me, I can't believe it's already been 11 years.

I was a senior in college that year. I was heading to my 9:00 Reading class (a class where I was taught how to teach reading) in the education building. I decided to take the bus that day - as I did on and off throughout the semester. I was reading a book and trying to focus on it, but as the bus came to a red light and stopped, I couldn't help but overhear the driver's radio that continued to talk about an airplane hitting the World Trade Center in New York. I thought to myself, "What a horrible accident!" I wondered what had happened that a pilot couldn't avoid hitting a tall building like that. The World Trade Center had two towers that rose extremely high in the skyline over the city. It was an unmistakable landmark. How could a pilot ram right into it? A few moments later, still on the bus, I heard the voice describe that yet another plane had crashed into the other tower of the Trade Center. Now, I'm a smart woman, but this idea was so beyond me that I continued to think it was an accident. I kept thinking, "What are the odds of that?!! What is going on?" It never occurred to me that our great country was under attack. Not once. That is until I heard of another plane hitting the Pentagon in Washington, D.C.  By the time I heard about the Pentagon attack, I was off the bus and in my classroom - where all of my classmates were sharing what news they had heard. The professor began class, and she seemed quite shaken herself. She was one of my favorite teachers that year - and she was very willing to let us all just talk and share what we knew. Some of my classmates were getting cell phone calls, and they would leave the classroom to hear more information. One classmate came back once with news that there was another airplane that had gone down in a field, and later in the hour, she came back saying that one of the World Trade Center towers had collapsed.

We were in complete shock, and the teacher soon asked if we all just wanted to go home. The class agreed that we should all get home and just stay safe. The University of Texas is a large campus, and we had no idea how many planes were involved, so we were not sure if we were safe to take buses home, if campus was safe, if our homes were safe. It was a very scary time. The only thing I wanted to do was hear my mom's voice, to make sure my family was safe, especially your cousin Brennan who lived in New York then, and I wanted to see Daddy. I did take the bus home that day, because I wanted to get home fast. I know I talked to Aunt Kira pretty soon after that, and Daddy came over to my apartment where we watched the news all week. (At that time, he was a resident assistant at a local dorm, but he stayed with me instead of being at the dorm.) Over and over again, every channel on TV showed the crashing of the planes and the falling of both towers (the other WTC tower collapsed soon after the first one fell). The world would never be the same.

For days, the country just shut down. It was a scary time. It was an awful time. It was a horrible image to get out of your mind, and over and over again, the media would show more footage of the debris, the attack, the pictures of people who were missing, the exhaustion of the firefighters and police officers who labored at Ground Zero. Flags flew in peoples' yards and at stores. The regular television schedule was put on hold for many days; in fact, I remember when Jay Leno first came back on after at least a week of not being able to air his Late Night show. He was teary, and the beginning of his show was very quiet and somber. The whole country, even our comedians, were in shock and in mourning.

We mourned a world where we felt safe. We mourned the men and women who unknowingly boarded a plane to get to a business meeting or to get home and, instead, became part of an ugly, evil, terrorist attack plan.  We mourned the police officers, firefighters, and other rescue workers who willingly went TOWARDS the attack to help others and never came out. We mourned the men, women, and children who were simply going about their normal routines at work who had no idea the floor would literally be pulled out from under them that morning. We mourned with the families who lost their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, and friends. We mourned with all those children who would never see their parent(s) again.

We mourned for a long time, and we still do. Our world was changed, and life is not the same as it was before 9/11. I think we, as a country, have done what we know to do to make ourselves safer without being paranoid and letting the wrong-doers take our freedom away. It's a fine line between giving them too much power and protecting ourselves. I am sorry that you will never know a pre-9/11 world. I am sorry that "terrorism" is a part of our vocabulary at all. I am sorry that your generation will have to work so hard to continue fighting terrorists who wish to take away your freedom, your safety, your peace of mind. But, I have no question that this country will continue to fight for your safety and protection. I have no question that we are on the "right" side of this war on terror.

While 9/11 didn't affect me as personally as it did thousands of other people, we are all a united family. We, as a country, and even as a world, were reminded that there is no promise of a tomorrow. Life can change in an instant - one tiny instant. My sweet boy, cherish every day you have, thank those around you for their work and service, give and show love to the people who mean the most to you, and don't put your dreams on hold. Never forget these important stories, because I'd much rather you learn vicariously than to ever experience such horrible events.

I once saw this in a Macy's ad:

"Today, in your own way, remember and reflect September 11, 2001: Hug your children, spend the day with family, call an old friend, plant a tree in tribute, light a candle, share your thoughts, volunteer your time, take a moment for yourself, be there for someone else, watch the sunset, look forward to sunrise."

Tonight, Daddy and I did just that with you - on your second Patriot Day (the name given to 9/11 by President George W. Bush when he declared it a national holiday). We hugged you (like we do every day, several times a day), we spent time together, we walked up to the park together (you basically ran - and mostly anywhere but on the sidewalk), we enjoyed the sunset, and we played hard. You are such a happy boy, and I hope you will always live your life with as much passion, humor, joy, silliness, adventure, and love as you did today!
Love,
Mommy

Our own Star Spangled Banner at our house

Kira & Erick's Wedding Weekend

I have to be honest and say that I the busy-ness and the stress of getting ready for Kira & Erick's wedding weekend was weighing on me.... physically, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even financially. I was annoyed that I was stressed out about it, because I so wanted to be able to help Kira and my mom more, but having Banner to take care of and having my health issues get in the way was making the whole task of preparing for a big, special weekend way more difficult. I started to feel like I couldn't wait until it was over and done with... which I know sounds awful, because really and truly I was so excited to spend a whole weekend celebrating my little sister and my new brother-in-law! I was excited to see all the plans and the details come together in front of so many friends and family. But, the stress of trying to get everything ready in time (my attire, Banner and Sam's attire, my toast, my rehearsal dinner speech, the DVD I made for them, gifts, and a few practices of a few surprises) was beginning to be more than I could handle. I had no reason to complain, as Kira and Mom were WAY busier and more stressed out than I was, but that was part of it too - I missed just hanging out with them and not worrying about all the wedding shenanigans.

But, now that their wedding has come and gone, I'm suffering from a bit of post-wedding-blues. I miss her weekend, almost like I miss my own wedding. I can't stop replaying the details, and I kinda want to do it all over again!! What a fun, fantastic, fabulous weekend it was - and it all went so smoothly!

Here are a few of my favorite weekend moments:

• By far, my absolute favorite moment was at the Ketubah signing. The rabbi asked Kira & Erick to stand on opposite sides of the room. He then asked Kira's family and friends to surround her and Erick's family and friends to surround him. Standing as part of Kira's family/friend circle, I felt a strong bond with everyone there, and I loved our family being a support for her. I will never forget that moment. The rabbi asked that we share words of advice and wisdom with Kira while we surrounded her. There she was, looking absolutely gorgeous, holding back tears, taking it all in. As I heard the familiar voices of my loved ones calling out loving words to one of my favorite people, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by emotion. She looked at me at one point - again, as she was trying to breathe and take it all in - and we both teared up. "We're always here for you," "Just breathe," "Live in the moment," "Take in the sights, the smells, the sounds," "Remember who you are and where you came from," were some of the phrases I remember hearing. Mostly, it was an overwhelmingly powerful moment - to just take a pause in the chaos that surrounds a big wedding - and to feel the support and the embrace from a (literally) tight family circle.

• As I wrote about in Banner's 15 month newsletter,  one of my favorite moments was when we all walked into the ballroom, right before walking down the aisle. The wedding party was hidden behind beautiful white curtains, and we had just left the emotional Ketubah signing. Before we lined up in the proper order, Kira, Mom, and I held each others' hands, and the string quartet's music overwhelmed me and Kira with emotion. We looked at each other, again, and teared up, again! We quickly had to distract ourselves to stop the tears and to preserve our make-up! :) I found Sam who was holding Banner, and he was so quiet. He was calm and somber. At one point, I peeked outside to the hallway to thank my sisters-in-law for helping with Banner - I knew I wouldn't see them after Banner walked down the aisle and then was escorted out of the ceremony room. When I came back in, Banner and I made eye contact, and his poor little face looked so sad - bottom lip completely protruding into a full pout. I quickly went to reassure him that I was staying; I bounced and rocked him and tried to be upbeat to avoid a meltdown - which worked. But, then, a few moments later, a much more melancholy song was played, and he once again shoved his lower lip out and tears lined his eyelids. Honestly, the only reason I think this happened was because he was so overcome by the music. I know that sounds crazy - because he's so young, but he loves music and responds to it. We were all in the moment, and I think Banner was, too. I think he knew it was an important event, that this particular instant was beautiful and serene. I was the last to walk down the aisle in front of Banner, so I missed half of his walk, but he did fantastic - no tears, no complaining, no venturing off the aisle-runner. He was spot on! He made me so proud.

• I loved rehearsal dinner - all of it! The food was great, the company was fantastic, and the speeches were amazing. I liked giving my speech (which I posted previously), I liked listening to how others love my sister and her then-fiance. I loved learning more about Erick, and I was so proud to be a part of the night. I especially loved Erick's little sister, Jacque's, speech. She was emotional speaking about her brother, as was her older sister, Nancy, and their mom. Watching their family, I had a new understanding and appreciation for why MY little sister loves this family so much. I'm pleased and relieved to know (even though I knew this a long time ago) that my sister is becoming part of such a loving, close family. I "MC-ed" the rehearsal dinner, and as much as I hate being in front of others - I was happy to do it for my sister, and I kind of got the knack of it after a while. I loved knowing that Kira & Erick liked the video I made for them, as well. It was good to share it with everyone there. 

• The week before the wedding, Erick, his sisters, his nieces, Mom, Mischelle, Mara, and I got together to rehearse a surprise dance performance. Long story short - one of our family's favorite television shows growing up was The Cosby Show, and one of our all-time favorite episodes is the "Anniversary" episode, where the family is celebrating Dr. Huxtable's parents. The family does a dance, where Rudy stars front and center lip sinking her heart out. Well, we decided this would be a great surprise for Kira, and Erick was a willing participant. After coordinating our many hectic schedules, we got together at my house to learn the dance moves and put the whole surprise together. I really enjoyed practicing; I really enjoyed getting to goof off with Erick's sisters and nieces. The actual performance went well - Caden played the first male part, and Erick surprised Kira by joining our performance at the very end. Our dance didn't look as perfect as it had the day before or even the week before during rehearsals, but it was fun, and the look on Kira's face was priceless. I think in the heat of the moment and with all the excitement, we kinda blew it on our counts and our dance line was way off - but who cares! The kids did great, and we had fun. That's all that matters, right?

• I sang at the wedding. This is not necessarily a favorite memory, but it's worth mentioning here because, well... I sang. In front of people. In front of people without Kira. FOR Kira. Here's what I said for my toast: 

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Good evening, everyone! For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Amber, and I am Kira’s sister and Erick’s sister-in-law. Years ago, I met Erick shortly after he started dating Kira. She introduced him to my family at an art gallery where she had a singing gig. It was the perfect venue that brought together their two passions – art and music. These newlyweds are some of the most creative people I know, and that’s a good thing because marriage is an opportunity to create. This night is only a glimpse into what amazing things this beautiful couple will create. I don’t want to tell stories or give advice, you heard enough of that last night. I want to cut right to the chase and tell you, Erick, that you are one lucky guy! I’ve lived with Kira for 27 of her 30 years. She was my first roommate, she has been through every major and minor milestone in my life, she’s grown up right along side me, and she’s sung the soundtrack of my life. In fact, she’s added melody and harmony to a lot of people’s lives. She’s serenaded brides and grooms in our family, held our newborns at their baby namings and blessed them with song, sat at our bedsides with a special tune when we were sick or fighting disease, rocked our little ones to sleep with her sweet, calming voice, and even lulled my grandfather as he took his last breaths. In a letter Kira wrote to my son, she quoted: “Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, and flows from heaven to the soul.”  To me, Kira is the music, and I’m certain Erick feels the same way tonight. She’s always the one entertaining others. I thought about serenading Kira tonight, standing up here and singing like she always does for everyone else, but if I were going to do that, I’d need her to coach me and tell me when to use my chest voice, when to use my head voice, or when to use less vibrato. I’d need weeks of training to even come close to sounding as good as one of Kira’s “bad” notes. If I were to sing, I would have selected a song that thanks Kira for all the joy she’s brought to my life, the gifts she’s given me by being MY teacher, how proud of her I am. Oh, what the hell… I’ll sing. But, I’m warning you, the only audience I’ve had is a 14 month old boy who stares at anyone who utters any kind of melody. So, Kira… go easy on me!

  And then, I sang! I sang Thank You for the Music. I wasn't great, I wasn't awful, and I'm glad I did it. I knew I would either regret not doing it or regret doing it. I'm glad I don't regret anything, actually. I sounded a lot better in my car, without an audience, but Kira was pleased, even turning to Erick right before I started the song to say, "This is big!" because she knows I'm not one to sing in front others unless she's singing with me - and even THEN it's a challenge! But, I always said I wanted to sing this particular song at her wedding.

• Another favorite memory was during the Hora, a Jewish circle dance. Typically, after the bride and groom are lifted into the air on chairs, the parents of the bride and groom are also lifted, as the community celebrates their joy with them. Both the groom's father and the bride's father were not in attendance during this dance - for different reasons I won't get into in this post. . . but, anyway, instead, both mothers were lifted at the same time. It's a rare image - to see only the moms, but I absolutely loved this. I was a tad bit emotional watching these strong women celebrate together - as all the guests cheered, clapped, and danced around them. Up and down their chairs went, and all I could think about was how rewarding that must be for them after raising their kids so right through hardships and struggles. I thought of how much they both have given to their children and how they did it mostly alone. What survivors these amazing women are, and what a fabulous tribute to them. I will remember the image of my mom bouncing in her chair along side Lucy, Erick's mom, and I will forever feel gratitude, pride, and love for both of them.

• Lastly, I will always remember the few moments alone with Kira as we exchanged gifts to each other before we had our hair and make-up done that morning. I took Kira aside, into the room next door, and I handed her a card and a small gift. The gift was a book called Big Sister, Little Sister that Mom used to read to us when we were little. I wrote a note inside, too, and she teared up reading it - which made me tear up. Then, it was my turn to open a surprise gift she got me. It was a Willowtree statuette of two grown sisters walking and talking together. They walked holding hands, and I immediately burst into tears. The weird thing is, I had looked for one of these Willowtree figures a few weeks before, and I couldn't find a sisters piece other than the one Kira and I already have of two young girls playing. So, to see this figurine was perfect, and it reminded me that Kira and I will always walk hand-in-hand no matter what our futures bring. I went into the ugly cry as I held her close to me. I was SO glad I hadn't had my make-up done yet or it would have been completely ruined! I will always remember that hug and how much love I felt (and always feel) for her.

I really could go on and on - I could write about their first dance, how we entered the reception, watching my dad and Kira dance, taking Kira to the bathroom and maneuvering her dress like only a sister or a best friend could, and their departure that night. Such a beautiful weekend. Such a beautiful couple. Such beautiful memories. Thank you, Kira & Erick, for the honor of participating in such a special way. I love you both so much. Happy ONE WEEK (and one day) Anniversary!! Here's to years and years of more weeks and days!!

Leather Anniversary

Last year, Sam and I celebrated our cotton anniversary, and the year before that, our paper anniversary. This year, we had our leather anniversary, and what a fabulous time we have had celebrating the birth of our marriage! Our actual anniversary was this past Thursday, September 6th. That night, my sister (the newlywed - which I will post about in the next day or so!), came over to babysit Banner while Sam and I went to dinner. When Kira got here, she presented us with a thoughtful anniversary gift - mostly for Banner - but we'll take it! :) We had a very nice time getting out of the house - and we used a gift card, so we didn't have to spend a penny... what a treat!

Aunt Kira gave Banner a cow toy - get it? Leather?

We decided to really celebrate during the weekend. So, on Saturday night, Sam and I took Banner over to spend the night at my mom's house.

Family pic before our night out

Banner & Grandma's date begins

Mommy & Daddy's date begins

Samber

Our first stop was at a local restaurant that I just love - and my former colleagues had given me a gift card to this restaurant several months before - so again, we didn't have to spend any money. We both ate everything on our plates, it was so, so delicious! Full and completely satisfied, we drove towards the hotel where we were married. In the shopping center literally down the street, we bought some ice cream and sat by the pond enjoying some down time just the two of us. We took a look around the hotel reminiscing, and then we headed over to the theater down the street and saw the worst movie ever! We were really hoping to see a different film, but we missed that showing by about 10 minutes (even before we got ice cream and had to wait for another movie). We ended up seeing Bachelorette, a movie we thought looked okay - maybe even a little funny. I thought it was the worst movie I've ever seen. I was glad it wasn't terribly long, and after trying to peel my eyelids open on the ride home (around 11:30pm...way past my bedtime!), Sam and I exchanged gifts. He gave me a beautiful card that made me laugh and cry all at once. His note inside perfectly reflected our past year together. Then, I opened my gift, a leather back/neck massager, which I haven't tried yet. It is perfect to help me relax a bit more!! Next, he opened the gift I gave him, a leather desk set, which he can use as he builds his new business.

Our evening concluded with a viewing of "Our Third Year," a DVD slideshow I made for Sam which documents our past year. This "tradition" started on our first anniversary, and I've continued it now for the third time. While it takes a lot of work and time, and it requires me taking notes throughout the year in my calendar(s), it's so worth it! It helps us reflect back on what we've accomplished, survived, witnessed, been a part of - and how we've grown as a couple. It will be a nice gift we can pass along to our children one day too - so they can see what all their parents have been up to for years and years! The rest of our family appreciates this "tradition" too - as they get to reflect on the events of the past year through our eyes, and they get to see how much we love them and celebrate them, as well. In fact, just tonight, we had a "viewing" at my mom's house, and Kira turned to me and said how much she loves that I do this. It's a good reminder for everyone just how much we need each other. We couldn't make it through this journey without each other - without our friends and our family.

Oh, what a challenging, painful, glorious year it was - all in one. Banner's first birthday, Brycen was born, Kira's wedding, Shelby's wedding, we lost my grandpa, and most shocking and painful was losing Sam's mom. We celebrated Sam's 30th, I resigned, he started a new firm, and we saw a lot of Banner's firsts!

Each year, the traditional anniversary gifts represent more and more durable items. First paper, then cotton, now leather. Leather is soft, though, and it still needs a lot of care and protection - just like our young marriage. Sometimes I still can't believe that we're only 3 years in; it feels like so much more - especially given our long history. When I tuck Banner in before he is another month older, I want to slow down time. I cry as I long for my newborn and hold my toddler close - knowing these early days are fleeting. But, on the eve of our anniversary, I hugged Sam tightly and said, "I can't wait until tomorrow." Each anniversary feels like confirmation that we did a great thing. I look forward to our anniversaries, even our "monthiversaries," as our love gets "older." I am so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life who treats me so well, who loves our son so well, who provides for us, who respects me, who laughs with me, who loves spending time with me and everyone else he loves. I married my very best friend, and I love him with all my heart. I can't imagine my life without him, and I hope I never have to find out what that feels like. I am beyond grateful for each day we have together, and I hope I spend the rest of my life making a yearly anniversary video for him. Sam, I love you, love you, love you! Happy Leather Anniversary!

15 Month Newsletter

Dear Banner,
Today, you turned 15 months old! This month flew by - we were very busy! You were in two weddings this month. The first was at NaNa & Uncle Paul's wedding, which was at our house. You refused to walk down the hallway and into the living room before the bride, because you wanted your Zaide. He helped you follow cousins Miles and Colby, and then you sat nicely through the ceremony, sharing (and then being stingy with) your snack cup with Bryce. You were also in Aunt Kira & Uncle Erick's wedding. You got to wear a tux, and although I was really worried about how you would do walking down the aisle because you are so busy and into everything, you did very well. Right before we walked down the aisle, I peeked outside the ballroom and into the hallway to quietly thank Aunt Gayle & NaNa for helping with you all day and night. I think you thought I was leaving, because as I turned back to come in the ballroom, your lip was pouting out like I've never seen. I went to Daddy, who was holding you, and I gently held you and rocked you to help you calm down before your tearing eyes turned into full force cries, which luckily did not occur. As the string quartet played their music, you got very quiet at one particular song. I think you could feel the serenity, beauty, and seriousness of the important event that was taking place, and you got kind of teary again - kind of like Aunt Kira & I did as we gave each other a hug and kiss before Grandma gave her away. Again, I was worried that you would start crying when you saw the number of people staring at you - it would have scared me at your age (and it still does!). But, I put you down right before Uncle Brock and I walked down the aisle to greet Uncle Erick under the chuppah. You took Caden's hand and Ralphy's hand, and you looked awesome! Zaide waited for you at the front of the room, and he helped take you out once you made your way towards the chuppah. You did great! I am so proud of you, and I'm so proud to be your mommy.

So, what else have you been up to?

• You have at least 2 new teeth - your upper molars. I felt like the worst mommy a couple weeks ago when I had been wondering why you were "biting" all the time - but the two lower side teeth still weren't showing at all. I was looking in the wrong place for the past several months!! I thought you'd get the two teeth next to your bottom, middle teeth - but I was wrong. You have 6 teeth on top and only 2 on bottom now. Although, I think I'm seeing the very faint signs that those side teeth I've been waiting on for so long are finally coming through. You're not very cooperative when it comes to checking, so I don't bother. I figure they'll come in their own time, and there's really nothing I can do to help or hurry them along. Other than biting and drooling some, you show no other signs of teething when your teeth are stirring under those gums. I appreciate this a lot - as you are not cranky at all when you are getting teeth, but I worry because I don't know how uncomfortable you may be until after the fact. You seem so happy-go-lucky so much of the time, and you rarely "complain" when you are hurting. Your pain tolerance seems pretty high. In fact, you have another bad bug bite on your right hand right now, and it's really swollen and puffy. You never scratch it or show signs that it bothers you. But, I still worry about it. It bothers me just looking at it - because I get like that too after a bite, especially when it's on my hands or feet, and I feel your pain!

• You started gymnastics class this month. You've had 2 lessons and have gone to open gym twice, too. When I registered you, Ms. Becky, your teacher, told me that it's not uncommon for the kids in the baby class to cry the whole time and want to be held. Ha! I told her I had no question you would be just fine but that I was more worried about you not wanting to stay with the group and wanting to roam all over the place to explore. And.... I was right. You loved the equipment and wanted to touch everything - including (and mostly) the stereo system. Even when Ms. Becky blew bubbles that didn't even pop when they hit the mat, you had no interest - you were too busy wanting to turn knobs on or stare at the stereo. You've recently developed an obsession with speakers, and you are seemingly trying to figure out how they work. How does the sound come out of there? (You even stare at the speakers at the grocery store - you'll hear where the music is coming from and stare at it while I go up and down the aisles). Anyway, at gymnastics, so far, your favorite is probably the trampoline and the pit, and you have no interest in the beam. You like to do forward rolls (with help of course); you go around putting your head down on the ground in a tripod stance, and wait for someone to help you turn over. You've always liked this!

• Gymnastics is good for you because you are so active. In my opinion, you've always been physically advanced - strong from day one! It's no wonder my baby who could hold his head up within the first week of life is loving running and climbing. Furthermore, your motor planning is impeccable. I'm always so impressed with the placement and balance of your body. These days, you run in place, climb all over the couches and fireplace, and enjoy swimming. You are getting way harder to keep up with! Mommy was just diagnosed with arthritis, and even though the doctors are trying hard to figure out what medications and treatments will help, I'm so overwhelmed with how physically active you are. You have mastered getting on our couches and chairs on your own. You have NOT mastered how to get down - although from time to time, you can do it on your own quite eloquently. I love watching you figure out how to maneuver yourself down, but you scare me so much of the time. I hear this is all typical of "boy behavior," but sheesh! You wear me out! You rarely stay in one place for longer than a few minutes, unless I'm actively involved in playing with you or if we're reading a book - or you're really tired. At play group and at birthday parties, it's exhausting because you are much more curious about exploring and walking/running around than of staying in once place where all the toys are.

• Toys are old news! You want pots, pans, spatulas, containers, paper bags, boxes, skillets, and anything out of the refrigerator or under our bathroom sinks. You have figured out how to open the childproof drawers and cabinets (making the money we spent on babyproofing completely a waste!), so Daddy is slowly but surely installing magnetic locks that require a special key. You're just too precious to us and too smart for your own good, so we have to have a better game plan for you! Most of the cabinets, I don't mind that you get into - although it creates SUCH as mess - and quite an obstacle course when I'm cooking in the kitchen. By the end of each day, there's usually 2-3 pieces of cookware on the floor, 4-6 utensils (turners, spatulas, spoons), a colander, and 3-4 "Snapware" containers with a mixed assortment of lids all over the kitchen floor. More than anything, I'm terrified of slipping on them and making my knee issues even worse, but I love watching you bring blocks, balls, stacking cups, etc and putting them in your pot to stir them as I make dinner. One day, I'm sure you'll be quite a helper in the kitchen, and I can't wait to cook with you!

• Your vocabulary is still rapidly increasing. You repeat most anything we ask you to - even if it doesn't sound exactly like what we said. You can say "boy" clear as day, and it's the cutest "boy" I've ever heard! Yesterday, you wanted more bread, and when I said, "roll," you tried to repeat it, but instead all you could get out was "roy." You now know the sounds for sheep, duck, lion/tiger, monkey, cow, and sometimes snake. You can identify lots of animals including elephant, horse, duck, monkey, dog. We've been practicing counting a lot; I guide your finger to count things on a page - mostly with counting books, but even at night with your "Goodnight Shema" book - you like to count the stars on the last page. You are really into identifying people in a picture. You can point to Kiki, Grandma, Papa, Dada, Mama, NaNa, Aunt Gayle, Uncle Brock, Big Boss, Mara, and sometimes other people. You especially like to find Daddy and Mommy in pictures.

• You are going to bed around 8:00 each night (we start your bedtime routine with a bath around 7:35). You wake up around 7:30-8:00 most days, with a few exceptions every now and then - either earlier or later. You have two bottles still - a morning and a night time bottle, and you have another serving of milk during the day - but in a sippy cup. Soon, we'll wean you off the morning bottle, but I still want you to have a enough calcium without fighting you on it yet. We'll see Dr. B next week, so he may have some suggestions - or he'll yell at me a bit! :) 

• You are such a sweet little boy. You share things with others, you say "Hi!" with a bright smile on your face when someone walks into the room/house, you hug and kiss people more often than before, and you've gotten a bit shy this month when around a new person/situation. Daddy and I love when you just "lay keppe" (lay your head down) on our shoulders. You did this a lot during the rehearsal for Uncle Erick & Aunt Kira's wedding. You smile at others, wave "hello" and "bye-bye," and can be very social and loud after you've warmed up to someone. You're making more funny faces, and we are so enjoying your very funny sense of humor.

Here are some pictures from this month, my sweet angel. I love you so much and look forward to what this month will bring! I love you, Banner!
Love,
Mommy

"Playing" on your speedway

Yellow bath tablets- NOT pee! :)

Caden, you, and Ralphy

This is us trying to get your attention - typical picture taking!

A rare moment when you looked at the camera! This is at Myka's birthday party earlier today.

A Love Letter to My Sister

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On Saturday night, Kira & Erick had their rehearsal dinner. I got to be the MC, I presented their slideshow DVD, and I also made a speech to roast and toast the happy couple:

Several years ago, when I was starting my senior year in college, Kira and I were asked to speak to the rushees who came through the AEPhi house on the last night of rush week. Recently, I came across what we wrote, and I thought it would be perfect to share again tonight.

“A sister is someone who truly understands you. She won’t judge or hold a grudge. She lifts you up when you’re down, and sees you through happy times. She calls you non-stop, but you don’t get annoyed because you love her. Or, she won’t call at all but you still know she’s there for you. She can cry to you and not feel embarrassed. She listens to you complain about your boyfriend and never complains. A sister is someone who knows the real you. She can sense when something’s not right. She will pray for your happiness always. A sister is someone who knows what you’re thinking just by looking at you. A sister understands when words can’t express what you are trying to say. She’s watched you grow from a silly little girl to a sophisticated woman. She is someone who stands by your side, congratulating your successes and easing your disappointments. She’s one of your favorite people, your most trusted friend, and your biggest fan. She’s the only one who knows how to tell you what you’re doing wrong, but she makes you feel like you’re doing it right. Her voice is one that soothes you even if five minutes before it was raised to you in anger. A sister is someone who believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone who gets you into trouble for laughing at all the wrong times.  She knows all your scars, your wounds, and joys of your past. She shares smiles and tears of the present. And, by your side, she awaits the wonders of your future. She’ll be there when you graduate, and when you get your first job. She’ll be there when you get married, and she’ll hold your newborn baby in her arms. And, no matter where her road may take her, you know it will always lead back to you, because a sister will always be there for you.”

Man we should write Hallmark cards!! Anyway, I thought that was really cool to find those words again at this time in your life, Kira. These words had me reflecting back to thirty years of memories – starting with the day you were born. You brought joy into my life within moments of your birth. It was probably the first time in my short two years of life that I was right and Brock was wrong. I won a bet by saying that Mommy was having a girl.

Kira, I can’t believe 30 years has passed by. How do I sum up that time to tell all the people in this room about how much you mean to me and what an amazing woman you have become? I could tell them about what a silly, funny little girl you were – how you made us laugh and entertained us with your silly dances in the backseat of the car or tried to walk in your corrective shoes that held your feet together with a metal bar or how you drove us crazy constantly switching your name from Kira to Kiki and back again. I could tell them how you were constantly entertaining us with your dancing, your singing, your joke telling. Or, I could tell them how you were and always have been more outgoing and assertive than I was or am. I remember being about 6 or 7 (so you were about 4 or 5), and my order at Burger King was wrong. I sighed and just shyly looked down at the table, and you told me to go tell the lady at the counter she had my order wrong. “No, it’s okay,” I told you. Without another argument, you just grabbed my tray and walked up to the counter to demand that my chicken sandwich have absolutely nothing on it, just the way I wanted.

You’re still the most outgoing, unafraid, honest, real person I know. I look up to you for that, and I’ve always envied your ease in front of a crowd. Sometimes I let you talk me into doing things I would otherwise never have done, like singing “Tits & Ass” in front of Mom’s friends when we were very young. I am sure you would tell everyone here that as your older sister I was the one who could get you to do whatever I asked of you… make a phone call for me, make a funny face, let me bite your nose, rub my back, etc. Honestly, we really do balance each other out, and there are so many times I could recount when we’ve been there for each other. We’ve kept each others’ secrets, we’ve examined really gross stuff on each other, and we’ve cried with, cuddled with, and screamed at each other – maybe all in the same day. I remember your camp friends coming to get me from my cabin to help you because you were homesick and just needed me to give you a hug. That was the same summer you had me believing that if we closed the lockets Mom gave us with her picture inside that she’d suffocate. I wouldn’t have camped out in the Houston summer heat to save your place in line at American Idol try-outs for anyone else. And, I wouldn’t have done it AGAIN in Dallas if it weren’t for you! Yes, I wanted you to make it onto the show, but more importantly, I was so excited to just spend some time with you because whenever we’re together doing nothing in particular, we have the best time!

Some of my favorite memories with you include making up hilarious, awkward dance moves to songs like “Let Me Love You Down,” teaching you cursive in the back of Dad’s car, trying on clothes in a store dressing room and making machine guns out of our boobs, teaching you how to write all over your shoes when you were about two years old, and having to go to the bathroom with each other because we were certain Freddy Kruger was going to pop out of the toilet bowl. I can still see us dancing around dad’s living room to “Manic Monday;” I can still hear us giggling as Mom threatened to take us to school in our underwear if we didn’t stop talking and get dressed already; I can still feel the distinct soft, cuddly feel of your hand in mine as we were freaking out on the speedboat to go parasailing for the first time bouncing up and down over extremely choppy waters before the cruise director finally cancelled due to an incoming storm, Thank God! I can still see your face at Disneyland when we took a trip to California on our own as I asked you with wide eyes, “Did a bird just shit in my hair?”

You bring out the best in me, Kira, and you have taught me so much. You know, the important things like where any store is in any mall in any town … or the best brand of cosmetics to use and which line just came out with a brand new product. But mostly, you’ve taught me how to love being me and how to let loose and have fun. I remember driving home (or any place) after BBYO projects – music blaring and our voices as loud as we could get them. Man, I miss those nights! There are days when I find myself driving alone singing our favorite Celine Dion songs or Martina McBride or - remember the Kinleys? I find myself missing belting it out with you, you nodding your head with a smile at me to reassure me that I actually hit that high note. . . although you would instruct, “Amber, you don’t have to scream it. Use your head voice.” But screaming it was much more fun!

Since the day you were born until I married Sam, you were the only person on the planet related to everyone else in our family the exact same way that I was. We seemed to always understand each other, even when others couldn’t. Not only did you “get” me and I “get” you, but we always knew what the other was thinking… with a certain look or a squeeze of the hand. I remember immediately after your jaw surgery in high school you weren’t able to open your mouth to speak, and you were getting really annoyed that you couldn’t communicate unless you wrote down your thoughts. That is, until I got to the hospital. Within a few hours of what we termed “intonation,” you could tell me what you wanted. “Hhh – hhh – hh-hhh” obviously meant, “I want water.” Why could no one but me get that?

My sweet sister, I have so much to say to you but so much doesn’t need to be said because you just know already. What you may not know, though, is how glad I am that you and Erick are finally getting married. I remember the day that Erick told me of his plans to propose to you, and I immediately lit up with a grin from ear to ear – so excited for you, but so excited that he’d finally be a part of this family. You have found a truly great guy – one who loves to know how you are feeling, who wants so badly for you to be happy, who loves to have deep discussions, one who sees the world in a new, unique way. Erick is always looking for the beauty and meaning in everything. He’s a fantastic chef, he’s great with kids, and he’s playful and fun.

You and Erick balance each other out very well, and I know that you don’t need any advice – you’ve been in this relationship for a while. But, if I can offer you any words of wisdom as you embark on this new journey together, I would like to remind you of a few things: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Making assumptions and setting expectations without communicating them will only get you into trouble. Remember your partner is not a mind reader. Be creative. This will be easy for both of you as you are both wired to be creative. Marriage is an opportunity to create a unique space in the world for just the two of you. Your marriage doesn’t have to BE a certain way – just create it how you want and keep coming back to that same holy space you have carved out for just each other. Don’t be scared. Marriage is delicate and tender, but your ties to each other are strong, so don’t be afraid of anything. Never leave the house without a kiss and a hug goodbye.  Treat each other like this is your first day and your last day together. Today is the only day that matters. You will both respect each other more and cherish each other more if you can try really hard to do this. Communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more. Be patient with each other, and then be patient with yourself.  Recognize that there are fundamental differences between men and women, but challenge these differences and encourage each other to be more than a stereotype. It’s okay to go to bed angry. Sometimes you’ll just have to get some space and time between each other. You’re humans with human emotions, and it’s okay to need to be upset and get some distance before responding to something that would otherwise bring out the worst in you. Speaking of space, keep some for yourself. Don’t lose yourself to your partner. You each fell in love with the other as an individual. Don’t lose that individuality. And, visit your big sister often!

Kira, there are moments in my life that I will never forget you being by my side – like the moments spent just the two of us before MY wedding, or when I didn’t make the cheerleading squad and you just listened and let me cry, or like the morning I left for college and I quietly snuck into your bedroom to snuggle with you one last time, or the night of Sam’s accident when you insisted on staying at the ER until we were ready to leave, and the long-awaited moment when I got to introduce you to my son, and even the day (or should I say many days) you gave me the wisest advice when I was overwhelmed with my newborn. Thank you for all those days and so many yet to come. I cannot wait to stand next to you tomorrow as you marry Erick. As you know, I will always stand next to you and to Erick whenever you need me. Thank you both for allowing me the honor of participating in your weekend in such a special way! I love you both so much!

The Knee Issue...Part 3

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about my knee - yet again. And, I have an update now that I'd like to post, as it helps me keep it all clear in my head as well as helps me not have to repeat this over and over again. I've had four weeks of physical therapy 3 times a week since August 6th. I'm getting really frustrated because I am not seeing or feeling a lot of improvement. Sometimes I feel like the PT is actually making things worse. Since my rheumatologist suspected arthritis of some kind, I talked it over with my physical therapist about two weeks ago, and he said to take it easy and rest the knee for a while. It got better during that time, but when we slowly started trying to exercise it again, sure enough it got worse. I was really annoyed at the timing of the worsening, too, because Kira's wedding was only a week away at that time, and I really wanted to be able to enjoy the night of dancing, walking, standing for a long time, and otherwise just being comfortable. I wanted to be able to squat down and help fluff her dress or lay the veil for her. But, no such luck! About two weeks after taking the anti-inflammatory that the rheumatologist put me on, I started itching like crazy. My elbows, especially, were constantly itching and developing small raised areas that looked like chigger bites or even bed bug bites! I freaked out and immediately washed my sheets and mattress cover like a mad woman! Luckily, that wasn't the issue. When the itching didn't stop, I called my internist, and she said to stop taking the meds that the rheumatologist had prescribed. I called his office to let him know I was having this reaction, and his nurse told me that the itching would not be due to the anti-inflammatory. I was confused, but I still listened to the internist. I began taking another prescription to help with the itching. This was only days before Kira's wedding, and my internist had me taking several meds that she told me would make me sleepy: Atarax, Zyrtec, and Benedryl. Just what I needed... to feel sleepy before and during Kira's big weekend!

The itching never stopped, but I felt less annoyed by it, and it may have subsided from time to time, but I still itch throughout the day and the bumps come and go. Anyway, I made it through the wedding (LOTS more on that later!!) fairly well, but my knee continued to be an issue. It got more and more stiff without the anti-inflammatory meds. And, I was hating PT that whole time!

I saw my rheumatologist yesterday, and we finally got an answer. After some blood work came back, and after I explained new symptoms that have popped up since I last saw him (about 3 weeks ago), he had a general diagnosis. I'm a bit of a puzzle at this point with my complaints and with conflicting blood work... I have a positive ANA (as I wrote about before) which could be nothing. He's certain I don't have lupus. My rheumatoid factor came back negative (which can also mean nothing... he explained that lots of people with rheumatoid arthritis have a negative factor). My ESR (which basically measures inflammation) was high, and at this point, the doctor looked at Sam and said, "You know what that tells me? That she's not making this up." He smiled and described more about that, and basically said that he's diagnosing me with pauciarticular arthritis - "pauci" meaning "few" and "articular" meaning "joints." The big problem, of course, is the right knee, but the other areas that have started hurting, swelling, or stiffening are: my left elbow, my right wrist, and my right second toe. Which kind of arthritis he's not sure, but it's either rheumatoid or psoriatic; either way, the treatment remains the same - anti-inflmamatory medications. He's switching me to a different med since he agreed I was probably allergic to the first one he tried (Lodine). (I found this interesting since I called his nurse, and she told me it wouldn't cause itching! UGH, so frustrating that not everyone gives a clear, straight, correct, agreeable answer!!) So, the plan is to try this med for 3-4 weeks and hope to feel no stiffness, no pain, and no swelling. If that works, then we're golden! If not, we try another med for 3-4 weeks and see what happens. If that fails, we try another for 3-4 weeks, so basically, we're on this path for about 3 months to figure out which drug will be most helpful. If all else fails, we have to discuss more intense drug therapy, which I cannot take if we want to have more children. I appreciated that the doctor was so cautious with this issue because Sam and I are young, and we do want Banner to have siblings one day. So, we're really hopeful that one of the less intense drugs will work!

After seeing the rheumatologist, Sam and I went to the orthopedist for a post-op check-up. I saw the PA, and he told me that everything looks great, even if I'm still really swollen and stiff. He said to wait another 6-8 weeks to see better results. He also agreed that perhaps the PT is upsetting my body, and that we should hold off for a week and see what happens. Given the inflammation and the arthritis, we may need to tweak the plan for a bit. I was relieved to hear that because going to those appointments really sucks, and I wasn't seeing a benefit to them yet. I'm not against them if they help - but they weren't helping!!

I'm really hopeful that the anti-inflammatory pills will help. My left elbow is achy and running a close second to my knee pain. Drying my hair is difficult, lifting Banner is difficult, carrying in groceries is difficult. You just don't realize how much you need your body on all these little mundane tasks. And the itching has driven me nearly insane. Try writing a wedding toast or a rehearsal dinner speech while you are wanting to scratch ALL over (and I mean ALL over - in the most embarrassing places!). So ready to feel like me again - so ready to wish that I had a few more moments to sleep in the morning ONLY because I'm tired and not because I can't imagine trying to lift my baby out of his crib or chase him all day when my body is betraying me. Literally, that's what's happening, and a diagnosis of arthritis confirms that. I know this will be a long road, but I'm hopeful it can be a smooth one from here on out.

What it Feels Like

So, lately, everyone's been asking me what it feels like to not go back to work. Given that I was a school counselor who would have otherwise been on summer break, the "not going back" part officially started on Tuesday, when all my school colleagues had their first day back in the building to prepare for the upcoming school year. So, this week, I've gotten a real taste of what it's like to not go back.

On Monday, I went up to the building at the request of the counselor who took my place. She wanted me to help her, and I gladly accepted. I had told her back in June to please call or email with any questions; I truly wanted/want to make this transition as easy as possible for her, the staff, students, and parents. I have to say, I REALLY enjoyed being back in the building, my second home. I missed my office, believe it or not. My mom kept Banner, and it was mostly during his nap time, so I was glad that he was resting while I was able to help out. After a couple of hours of discussion, guiding, and explaining,  I roamed the building looking for my proactive, eager friends who were already in their classrooms before their official day back at work. Oh, so fun! I loved chatting and catching up with these teachers.

As Monday became Tuesday and I laid in bed just thinking of what my life would be like this week if I hadn't resigned, I felt both relief and panic at the same time. It's a weird feeling. Being back in my office with all "my" things and my experience, with all the knowledge I have of students, parents, staff, and how the building runs - well, it was just a bit of a high for me. I was in my element again. At the same time, just explaining certain parts of the job or thinking about a certain situation with a student or a parent - well, it made me beyond grateful that I'm no longer the one dealing with it! While I may have lots of answers and a great deal of knowledge running through my head, I also was so relieved that I don't have to be the one to handle the stress of it anymore. Instead, I get to hang out with my little guy - watching him grow, learn, and develop before my eyes. I don't want to be at work missing out on all the time Banner needs with me - and that I need with him.  (But, I will say that I'm really looking forward to subbing once or twice a week - and I'm really glad I made the decision to do that.)

Another school year starting reminds me of all the things I'll miss out on this year. It reminds me of the camaraderie I felt/feel with the wonderful members of the staff in that building. It reminds me of all the sweet faces I'll miss seeing in that hallway on a daily basis. It reminds me of all the lessons I won't teach to so many kids who loved to come to my classroom. It reminds me of all the jokes and inside scoop that I won't hear about throughout the year.  But, it also reminds me of all those parents about to take their babies to their first day of preschool or their first day of Kindergarten, and it reminds me of all those parents dropping their firstborn "babies" off at college for the the first time. And, those moments are the ones that matter more than anything. . . because soon (or at least sooner than I'd like) I'll be one of those parents, and I'll wonder where all these early, tender years went when it was just my sweet angel and me hanging out in our pajamas at home without a care in the world - chasing each other, running through the sprinklers, or building towers with foam blocks. It reminds me that one day, all of these small hours will be ancient history, a distant memory that I would do anything in my power to relive.

So how does it feel, then? Well, it feels like I AM doing everything in my power to hold on to these days. . . these days of learning, these days of my only child, these days of being the youngest Banner and I will ever be together. It feels right, even if it was a difficult decision. It feels peaceful, to have made a decision and to see it come to fruition. It feels like I have the most important (and hardest) job I'll ever have. And, even though every day is different and has its own challenges, it feels like I'm in my better element - because this is the one job I'll ever have where I am completely irreplaceable. I'm the ONLY one who can do this job, and even though it's tiring, I'm so glad I have the opportunity to do it all day!

What He's Eating (at 14 Months)

My friend, Laura, recently posted on her blog about what her triplets are eating. Inspired by this idea, I wanted to document what kinds of things Banner is eating these days. Once upon a time, I had a boy who would eat most anything I'd offer. These days, like many other moms with kids Banner's age, I have a hard time getting him to eat what I've prepared.

Banner used to eat veggies like a champ. Then, he turned one, and since then he's been a bit pickier. He used to love broccoli, zucchini, carrots, corn, peas, etc. Now, he mostly just plays with the textures - especially with peas and corn, just pushing on the skin to get the inside to explode out. He throws broccoli on the floor, and carrots he likes to just mash up on his plate. I've reverted back to baby food veggies which he'll take more willingly (because he can't play with them on his tray!). When offered veggie purees, he'll take peas, corn, broccoli, zucchini, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, green beans, spinach, etc. I hate going "back" to this, but at least he gets the nutrients from these foods. The only solid form of veggie that he'll eat right now is squash. Tonight, though, he surprised me and ate cooked carrots without a fuss.

He is still my amazing fruit eater. He loves all fruits I've offered. He asks for "nananas" almost every morning. He loves biting into pears and peaches. He also loves blueberries, strawberries, apples/applesauce, pineapple, watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, grapes, raisins, cherries, and - on occasion - raspberries. We'll be trying plums this week.

Banner still really likes all carbs/breads and grains! Tortillas, bagels, waffles, mac & cheese, spaghetti, barley, rice, pizza, rolls, crackers, rice cakes, toddler cereal bars, Cheerios, Puffs, etc. He also likes cheeses and yogurts.

Protein is another difficult area for me when trying to give Banner a variety. He typically spits out chicken - but not always. He will never eat leftover chicken. He loves beef - just like his daddy! He'll eat hamburger meat, beef hotdogs, beef bologna, salami, meatballs, and steak. He has tried fish, but it's just "eh." He won't even give eggs a taste... no matter how I've made them (scrambled, fried, hard boiled, in a quiche). I bought some tofu to try this week, so we'll see if he likes that - but my guess is that he'll throw it on the floor simply due to its texture.

We've learned that Banner really appreciates eating off of a fork. He's much more likely to accept a food if it's offered to him on a fork, so Sam and I always try this method first when starting a meal because Banner's much more likely to keep eating it after tasting it this way.

Every morning, Banner has an 8 oz bottle (yes, bottle - if not in a bottle, I'd spend hours trying to get even a couple ounces down using a sippy cup, and we'd never reach the 16 oz minimum per day!). Then, he has 2 TBSP of oatmeal (mixed with more whole milk). He'll also eat a few Cheerios and usually a few bites of banana. At either (or both) lunch or dinner, I try to offer a meat, a veggie, grains/bread, and dairy. He typically gets a fruit as his "dessert." He will have one or two snacks a day (two if he skips morning nap). At all meals, we offer water - which he loves - out of a sippy cup. After his afternoon nap, we always offer a sippy cup of milk; some days he downs it, other days he only takes a couple of sips. Every evening, Banner has another 8 oz bottle to ensure he reaches his 16 oz minimum. One day - hopefully one day soon! - we will try to wean him from the bottle. But, I'd much rather him have the calcium than the sippy cup!

The Little Things

This story begins with a short background. My sister-in-law, Shelby, got engaged in November shortly after her mother (my mother-in-law) died. She asked if we would allow her wedding to take place at our home because she felt a sense of closeness to her mom at our house. It's the house we last had a large, happy family function with her (a surprise anniversary party for her and my father-in-law). It's also the house we mourned in as a family surrounded by friends - where we lit her memorial candle and gathered before and after the funeral. Sam and I were honored that she feels this way about our home, and we were happy to be able to provide our house for her wedding.

On the day of Shelby's wedding, we had put all of Banner's toys away and made the house more "grown up" for her big day. (It was actually kind of... okay, REALLY... nice to have our house back to pre-baby days!) I took out a small sample of toys to keep Banner entertained during the ceremony, there was a fridge toy that was available, and two small toy "groceries" were inadvertently left out, but other than that, it was a mess-free, toy-free house. :) We cleaned like we haven't cleaned before. In fact, our house hasn't been this clean since my mom and sister cleaned the house while I was in the hospital after Banner's birth. So nice to have reclaimed my house!!!

The wedding went really well. Sam built a chuppah for the couple to be married under. Banner was supposed to walk in with his two older cousins ahead of the bride, but Banner didn't want to walk without his Zaide, so my father-in-law had to walk him in the room before escorting Shelby! Other than that, he did great during the ceremony sitting on Sam's lap and then mine. He ate well, participated in family photos, played with his cousins, watched the bride and groom dance, and watched the bride and Zaide dance. Soon after, my mom came to pick Banner up to spend the night at her house. We said our goodbyes, and then Sam and I relaxed and enjoyed our evening with the family.

After everyone left, Sam and I vacuumed, swept, mopped, and returned everything to its normal place. We took advantage of our time and the fact that we were reorganizing to go through Banner's toys to clear out and resort. Upon reorganizing his toy bins, I asked Sam to go grab the little toy "groceries" that I had last seen on the kitchen table. He looked, but they weren't there. I swore I had seen them during the reception, so we started looking around the kitchen, den, dining room, living room, and Banner's room. Nothing.

I was getting annoyed because I knew I had just seen them; Sam had seen them, too. I mentioned that since they were little empty bottles that maybe someone had thrown them away, inadvertently thinking that they were trash. We kept cleaning but I was really annoyed. I knew I was being silly because they aren't anything special, but Banner really liked these toys, and they were part of a larger set that I only bought him 4 days ago. So I couldn't get over it! I jokingly mentioned to Sam that I might go outside and look through the trash (I had already looked through the bag currently in the trashcan). Sam said he knew even though I was saying this in a joking way that I was partly really wanting to. I told him he was right, and he said if I wanted to do that to wait til the morning. I told him if I was going to dig through trash that I wanted to do it right now or not all. Within a few minutes, we were both outside digging through two bags of trash from the night. Sam had taken them out of the driveway dumpster to both help and humor me. A few icky minutes later, he found the two small bottles and looked up to find a huge grin on my face! I was like a giddy child on Christmas morning (okay, I'm Jewish, I don't know what that's like - but I can certainly imagine)! I was so thankful. I knew it was silly, but it was the mommy in me that wanted to rescue my baby's little toys.

I threw my arms around Sam and kissed him, thanking him for being such a good husband to me so that I could stop thinking about where those damn things were! He laughed and thanked me for being a good mom to our son, caring about his things and what he would want us to do. Banner will never know that we dug through three bags of trash to find his little toys, washed them thoroughly, and rejoiced at our heroism. He will never know that it drove his mama crazy that something was missing that we had just seen and that we just couldn't go to sleep without finding it! But, he will know one day, because of these little things, these little acts, that his mommy and daddy love him SO much and are willing to do the silliest, stupidest, craziest things for him. Thank you, Sam, for humoring me. Thank you for knowing what would put my mind at ease. And, thank you, for all these little things!

Oh, and P.S. The house looks and smells amazing! Thanks, Shelby & Paul, for celebrating your big day here.... and thanks for giving us the big shove to get this house back in order! I love it! And, I love you. Congratulations!!

The Knee Issue... Part 2

So, if you have been keeping up with the knee issue, you know that I've had surgery to fix what was thought to be a meniscus tear, but it wasn't. Instead, it was lots of fluid and synovial clots in the knee joint. A synovial biopsy revealed that I had "severe, chronic synovitis." With elevated ANA (antinuclear antibodies) levels, which my orthopedist believed to be indicative of lupus, I went to see a rheumatologist. That's where we left off since my last update.

Since then, I've seen the rheumatologist, and he does not suspect lupus at all. Not only do 25% of females have higher ANA levels with no lupus, but I have no other signs or symptoms of this connective tissue disease. SO... what does he suspect? Well, he thinks that the swelling and pain are due to a form of rheumatoid arthritis, a form that can be undetected by the blood work my orthopedist did prior to surgery. Because my knee is still so swollen, and because he can't tell if the swelling is still due to surgery or not, examining me was difficult. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory drug to take for the next few weeks and see if that helps. In the meantime, we are awaiting the results of X-rays and blood work for more information. The good news is it's probably not lupus. The bad news is I still have no answers.

Just before leaving the rheumatologist's office, I asked the doctor if the physical therapy I'm doing could be worse for my knee if I did end up having arthritis. His answer was a definite yes - depending on what kind of therapy they are doing. So, as soon as I could ask the physical therapist about that, I did, and he agreed that if this is arthritis and I'm having a "flare," the exercises I've been doing for two weeks could, in fact, be hurting me more than healing me. UGH! How confusing! Anyhow, my homework for this weekend is to rest the knee, ice it, and elevate it. He says we'll reevaluate my status at my next appointment to determine the best course of action to protect my knee without causing any deterioration to my right quad.

I'm at a state of mental frustration not only because I'm in pain and have so much discomfort that keeps me from activities I'd like to be doing (mostly chasing Banner!), but because everything's so confusing. First I thought it was a meniscus tear, then there was no tear. Then I was told lupus, but it probably isn't. I was told it was not rheumatoid arthritis, but it may be. I was told PT would be helpful, but maybe it's not. I was told I should be less swollen by now, but I'm not. I was told to do knee exercises, but now I'm supposed to rest it. I just don't know what is best, and the doctors don't really know yet either.  I'm wondering if it was really necessary to have the surgery. I'm wondering if it was really necessary to do the blood work before surgery - obviously the orthopedist can't interpret the lab results the same way a rheumatologist can, and seemingly the orthopedist didn't order all of the right tests. Or, maybe I'm just a puzzle. Maybe the radiologist who read the MRI was wrong - seeing a tear when there wasn't one. Maybe my orthopedist misread it. Who knows? Either way, I feel like the surgery was unnecessary, the PT may be unnecessary, and the first round of blood work was inconclusive. We've spent a LOT of money for all of this and still have no definitive answers. (I know, welcome to medicine.)

I'm hopeful that we'll know more in the coming weeks. I have another orthopedist and another rheumatologist appointment right after Kira's wedding. I was really hoping to have all this behind me by then so I can fully enjoy my time and live up the night - dancing all night and not limping down the aisle. Still, that's a couple weeks away, so there is hope. I would just like to know more and to have more answers sooner rather than later.