My Heart Outside My Body

Elizabeth Stone said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I first heard this quotation when I was student teaching, and it made a lot of sense to me. But, it never made as much sense to me until now, until I had a child of my own. As I've written about before, loving Banner can actually hurt sometimes. Each day I spend with him, though, I feel my heart melting more and more. And, now that I'm officially on my maternity leave, I feel the days slipping by, and I know that they will fly all too quickly before I'm back at work again. I want to savor my time with my boy, and even though there are tiring times, moments of intense frustration, and long, daunting days sometimes, I fall in love with my sweet angel more and more each day. As everyone has told me, every day really does get better. I get to know him so much more; he gets to know me so much more; and, we are so in love with each other. I just can't get enough of my munchkin, and I find myself reaching for the video camera more and more - wanting to capture him, fighting to hang on to his tiny-ness, and desperately hoping to remember every moment, every movement, every memory. I can't wait to hear his cooing voice each day, I can't wait to see that cute smile, and I can't wait to kiss all over his soft cheeks! He's like a favorite song you want to hear on repeat or that favorite episode you could watch over and over again. The love grows stronger and deeper each day, and the pain of loving him so much grows even more painful . . . my heart - outside my body!

As kids around the country go back to school this week, I hurt for all those parents sending their kids out into the world, unleashing them to find their destinies on their own. And, I have thought about each of those parents a great deal in the past few days - from a mom walking her daughter to her new Kindergarten classroom to a mom coming home to an empty nest after dropping her son off at college. I read my friends' blogs with big tears in my eyes, knowing how deep their love is for their own child(ren) and embracing the days I have with my baby before he's off in the big world. I know these days will feel like "just yesterday" when I'm walking Banner to school, praying that I've done a somewhat-decent job preparing him for whatever comes his way. I'll be that emotional parent, gulping down that lump in my throat to keep from crying, remembering when he smiled at me for the first time or thinking back to these days of cooing sweetly on his play pad with his fingers curled around mine. I tear-up thinking of it now, just knowing how fast that moment will be here. Yet, I can't wait to see what amazing things come his way. In the meantime, I will just keep falling in love with my son and caring for my heart as it prepares to walk away from me one day.