On Becoming a Mommy

There was one day recently when Banner was not making eye contact. I wasn't the only one who noticed it - Mom and Sam did, too. All of us would try to get his attention by putting our faces in his line of vision. We'd get close, we'd back up. We would try toys, we would try smiles and high-pitched voices. We'd get on one side, then try the other. I quickly became frustrated and worried. I started Googling all about infant eye-contact, researching my parenting books for this issue in the index, and looking at information we had from the pediatrician. I also quickly became nauseous - my stomach in knots as I read words like "autism" and "anti-social." I felt so sick to my stomach and started envisioning my son's future with loads of early intervention to try to break through to him - reliving the frustrating day we all had just trying to get my baby to look at us! I worried about his vision, his hearing, his social abilities. And, I tried so hard not to jump to conclusions, not to get too far ahead of myself; after all, Sam and I had just both reported to the pediatrician that Banner does make eye contact, and he smiles at us often.

Shortly after Banner fell asleep, I cried and told Sam why I was so concerned. He, too, began to look up way too much information on the web. Once Banner woke up, I was in the shower. Sam reported to me afterward, though, that Banner made lots of eye contact and was smiling a great deal. He predicted correctly when I responded with, "Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" He, of course, was not just saying that - and when I was rocking Banner to sleep later that night, I got lots of eye contact. I cried as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and said, "There you are!" I felt like I hadn't seen him all day - because he seemed to not have seen me all day!

The following day, everything was fine, and Banner's behaviors have been fine since then... very social, smiley, almost giggly, and quite interested in looking at Mommy (and Daddy, too!). But, that awful nauseous feeling will continue to be there. . . and THAT'S how I know I'm a Mommy. Ever since Banner was born, I see the world in a whole new way. I see danger where I didn't before (from sharp corners to sharp knives; hot water to hot sun). I worry about any number of diseases, illnesses, disorders, and syndromes. I hurt when I think he might be hurting. I care more about his needs and rarely remember to meet my own. My heart literally squeezes with pain from how much I love him as I lay him down to sleep each night.

There are a few good things that have come from this Mommy-hood. I appreciate slow drivers, but I also realize that sometimes those moms who go a little faster to make that light just might have an infant in the car who hates the red light. I have learned how to do so many tasks faster than ever before - from putting on my make-up to folding laundry. I have the ability to clean the house with one hand or maybe just a foot - never before have my toes been so "handy!" Along those lines, I clean my house more than ever before. I am a better planner than even before - and that's a damn good planner! I eat less. I shop fast. I drive safer. I gave up some vanity, and I watch less TV. Although I'd love some "me" time that I haven't gotten in over 2 months, I cherish my time with my husband even more than before. Even when I could take advantage of taking a longer shower or driving a little slower on the way home from an errand by myself, I hurry to get home. I want to be there, don't want to miss anything, and want to help out as much as I can.

As I continue to open the door to Mommy-hood, I'm learning lots of new things. I'm learning what it feels like to miss your baby. I'm realizing not everything can be perfect. I'm realizing that loving someone so much can actually hurt sometimes. I'm learning how much more I should have thanked my own mother growing up! I know now just how confusing the whole job is - and I'm so much more experienced with infants than the average person - having worked with infants since high school and college. I realize now just how much moms all over the world are more often than not "flying by the seat of their pants." We're all making this up as we go along - trying our best to make the safest, wisest, healthiest, most nurturing choices we can - from how often and how much to feed to how much and how often to play! I have also learned that just when I think I know the answer, there's a whole new list of questions. Just when I figure something out, another issue surfaces. So, I've also learned that once one stress or one stage passes, there will be another one to take its place.

Never before have I cried so much in two short (okay, they've been kind of long to me, honestly!) months. Sometimes the tears have been due to pain, sometimes due to exhaustion or frustration. But, mostly, they've been due to complete and overwhelming happiness. Never before have I been so conflicted in how I feel about time. I want time to fly faster so that I can see Banner's personality unfold and develop. Yet, I also want time to stand still so I don't forget the smell of his hair, the softness of his skin, the sound of his coos, or the sweetness in his eyes. I want to savor his tiny-ness and his earliest stages as he's on the verge of figuring out the world; yet, I want to jump to an older stage when we can interact in a whole new way and I can figure out what's going on in that seemingly-thoughtful head of his!

Chances are Banner was overstimulated or overtired on that day we couldn't get him to look us in the eyes. He's been all smiles lately and seems to be falling in love with us as much as we are with him. The best is right before he goes to sleep. The past few nights, he just smiles and smiles almost giddy with all the attention he has from Mommy and Daddy. I'm waiting on that laugh. . . it's so close to being a full laugh! He squeals and makes little noises that sound like a laugh, but I wouldn't count it as a full laugh yet. As I see such delight and pleasure in his eyes, I am relieved that maybe that day was just an "off" day. It won't take away the constant worry and concern I have for him, though. Maybe that's why pregnancy begins with such nausea - to prepare you for the belly-turning fear you have for your little ones. Maybe that's why we endure so much pain during pregnancy and labor - to prepare us for the years of torment from worry. It helps get us ready for those moments of pure anxiety as he's about to bump his head, trip on something and fall, cut himself, choke on a piece of food, make the wrong friend, fail a test, drive for the first time, or make the wrong choice. And, just like the trite saying goes, it's so worth it. Being a Mommy - a purely painful pleasure!