Back to Work

I knew it had to happen eventually. I would have to leave Banner for a long stretch of time in order to go back to work. I'm not really "back to work" officially yet. . . or maybe I am, but I'll be taking "maternity leave" after 9 work days at the beginning of the school year. But, today was the first day that I went back to my work role, leaving Banner with my mom for an extended period of time. As I tried to lull him to sleep before I left, tears surprised me - rolling down my face as I looked at my little angel closing his drowsy eyes before I headed out to talk business at a leadership conference to create our school's improvement plan for the year. It was so hard to leave my baby boy to talk about data, goals, and objectives for a year that won't include me staying at home with him. Immediately after leaving Banner, I called Sam on my way to my meeting, and yet again, tears streamed down my face as I scrambled to find something to absorb them. I asked him how he does it everyday - leave Banner to go to work. He said, "I don't have a choice." But, I replied that he does have a choice, and he said that he didn't. The way he looks at it is that there is no choice, and his working provides for Banner. He must work in order to give him all the things he wants him to have. "Maybe I don't look at it like that. Maybe I feel like I do have a choice," I said, as I'm constantly feeling like I could stay at home if we could make that work somehow. Yet, I know that going to work is the best choice for us right now.

Anyway, I hung up with Sam and kept driving, trying to get over my sadness. I knew Banner was in great hands - the best I know! I knew the day would go quickly once I got settled in, and I knew I only had to work 9 days total before going into official "maternity leave." So, I calmed down. . . but, then, once I sat down and said hello to my team, my principal took out the birth announcement I had sent to the school. There was my precious boy in his cute poses being showed off to my peers, and then came the tears again. I was shocked at myself for the continued teary state, but I also didn't want to hold it back and get too worked up. I reminded myself that being in the working world allowed me to provide more for Banner. Throughout the hours of the meeting, I would think of Banner - wondering what he was doing, missing him, wishing I could hold him and getting upset that I wasn't with him. I then would remind myself that being at work was for him.

Again, I only have 8 more days to get through now, but the inevitability of maternity leave ending and having to go back to work for good makes me cringe. I love my job. I love my co-workers. I love the community I work in, and I love the kids I work with. But, leaving my own baby to go be with other peoples' "babies" makes little sense to me at times. I'll have to come to terms with that later on, but for now, I just have to get through 8 more days. 8 more days for now. That's it!

It sounds so simple, but I am not the same employee that left the school building back in June. I'm a mother now - a mommy. That job, in my opinion, comes first. It's my priority, my most important job I'll ever have. So, when I'm at my paid job, it's hard to put my mommy job on hold. And, I want to still be good at what I do - at both of my jobs. I know there's been ongoing discussion about women and whether they can "have it all" by being working mothers. There's so much guilt associated with any choice a parent makes regarding working or not. I'm sure I'll have so much more to say about this topic in future posts. For now, though, all I can say is that it's difficult. . . so hard to give that last hug and kiss to your child to leave him for the day (or however long) to do something important but not nearly as important as that child you're leaving. Let's just hope I can make it through 8 more days without tears!