A Love Letter to My Sister

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On Saturday night, Kira & Erick had their rehearsal dinner. I got to be the MC, I presented their slideshow DVD, and I also made a speech to roast and toast the happy couple:

Several years ago, when I was starting my senior year in college, Kira and I were asked to speak to the rushees who came through the AEPhi house on the last night of rush week. Recently, I came across what we wrote, and I thought it would be perfect to share again tonight.

“A sister is someone who truly understands you. She won’t judge or hold a grudge. She lifts you up when you’re down, and sees you through happy times. She calls you non-stop, but you don’t get annoyed because you love her. Or, she won’t call at all but you still know she’s there for you. She can cry to you and not feel embarrassed. She listens to you complain about your boyfriend and never complains. A sister is someone who knows the real you. She can sense when something’s not right. She will pray for your happiness always. A sister is someone who knows what you’re thinking just by looking at you. A sister understands when words can’t express what you are trying to say. She’s watched you grow from a silly little girl to a sophisticated woman. She is someone who stands by your side, congratulating your successes and easing your disappointments. She’s one of your favorite people, your most trusted friend, and your biggest fan. She’s the only one who knows how to tell you what you’re doing wrong, but she makes you feel like you’re doing it right. Her voice is one that soothes you even if five minutes before it was raised to you in anger. A sister is someone who believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone who gets you into trouble for laughing at all the wrong times.  She knows all your scars, your wounds, and joys of your past. She shares smiles and tears of the present. And, by your side, she awaits the wonders of your future. She’ll be there when you graduate, and when you get your first job. She’ll be there when you get married, and she’ll hold your newborn baby in her arms. And, no matter where her road may take her, you know it will always lead back to you, because a sister will always be there for you.”

Man we should write Hallmark cards!! Anyway, I thought that was really cool to find those words again at this time in your life, Kira. These words had me reflecting back to thirty years of memories – starting with the day you were born. You brought joy into my life within moments of your birth. It was probably the first time in my short two years of life that I was right and Brock was wrong. I won a bet by saying that Mommy was having a girl.

Kira, I can’t believe 30 years has passed by. How do I sum up that time to tell all the people in this room about how much you mean to me and what an amazing woman you have become? I could tell them about what a silly, funny little girl you were – how you made us laugh and entertained us with your silly dances in the backseat of the car or tried to walk in your corrective shoes that held your feet together with a metal bar or how you drove us crazy constantly switching your name from Kira to Kiki and back again. I could tell them how you were constantly entertaining us with your dancing, your singing, your joke telling. Or, I could tell them how you were and always have been more outgoing and assertive than I was or am. I remember being about 6 or 7 (so you were about 4 or 5), and my order at Burger King was wrong. I sighed and just shyly looked down at the table, and you told me to go tell the lady at the counter she had my order wrong. “No, it’s okay,” I told you. Without another argument, you just grabbed my tray and walked up to the counter to demand that my chicken sandwich have absolutely nothing on it, just the way I wanted.

You’re still the most outgoing, unafraid, honest, real person I know. I look up to you for that, and I’ve always envied your ease in front of a crowd. Sometimes I let you talk me into doing things I would otherwise never have done, like singing “Tits & Ass” in front of Mom’s friends when we were very young. I am sure you would tell everyone here that as your older sister I was the one who could get you to do whatever I asked of you… make a phone call for me, make a funny face, let me bite your nose, rub my back, etc. Honestly, we really do balance each other out, and there are so many times I could recount when we’ve been there for each other. We’ve kept each others’ secrets, we’ve examined really gross stuff on each other, and we’ve cried with, cuddled with, and screamed at each other – maybe all in the same day. I remember your camp friends coming to get me from my cabin to help you because you were homesick and just needed me to give you a hug. That was the same summer you had me believing that if we closed the lockets Mom gave us with her picture inside that she’d suffocate. I wouldn’t have camped out in the Houston summer heat to save your place in line at American Idol try-outs for anyone else. And, I wouldn’t have done it AGAIN in Dallas if it weren’t for you! Yes, I wanted you to make it onto the show, but more importantly, I was so excited to just spend some time with you because whenever we’re together doing nothing in particular, we have the best time!

Some of my favorite memories with you include making up hilarious, awkward dance moves to songs like “Let Me Love You Down,” teaching you cursive in the back of Dad’s car, trying on clothes in a store dressing room and making machine guns out of our boobs, teaching you how to write all over your shoes when you were about two years old, and having to go to the bathroom with each other because we were certain Freddy Kruger was going to pop out of the toilet bowl. I can still see us dancing around dad’s living room to “Manic Monday;” I can still hear us giggling as Mom threatened to take us to school in our underwear if we didn’t stop talking and get dressed already; I can still feel the distinct soft, cuddly feel of your hand in mine as we were freaking out on the speedboat to go parasailing for the first time bouncing up and down over extremely choppy waters before the cruise director finally cancelled due to an incoming storm, Thank God! I can still see your face at Disneyland when we took a trip to California on our own as I asked you with wide eyes, “Did a bird just shit in my hair?”

You bring out the best in me, Kira, and you have taught me so much. You know, the important things like where any store is in any mall in any town … or the best brand of cosmetics to use and which line just came out with a brand new product. But mostly, you’ve taught me how to love being me and how to let loose and have fun. I remember driving home (or any place) after BBYO projects – music blaring and our voices as loud as we could get them. Man, I miss those nights! There are days when I find myself driving alone singing our favorite Celine Dion songs or Martina McBride or - remember the Kinleys? I find myself missing belting it out with you, you nodding your head with a smile at me to reassure me that I actually hit that high note. . . although you would instruct, “Amber, you don’t have to scream it. Use your head voice.” But screaming it was much more fun!

Since the day you were born until I married Sam, you were the only person on the planet related to everyone else in our family the exact same way that I was. We seemed to always understand each other, even when others couldn’t. Not only did you “get” me and I “get” you, but we always knew what the other was thinking… with a certain look or a squeeze of the hand. I remember immediately after your jaw surgery in high school you weren’t able to open your mouth to speak, and you were getting really annoyed that you couldn’t communicate unless you wrote down your thoughts. That is, until I got to the hospital. Within a few hours of what we termed “intonation,” you could tell me what you wanted. “Hhh – hhh – hh-hhh” obviously meant, “I want water.” Why could no one but me get that?

My sweet sister, I have so much to say to you but so much doesn’t need to be said because you just know already. What you may not know, though, is how glad I am that you and Erick are finally getting married. I remember the day that Erick told me of his plans to propose to you, and I immediately lit up with a grin from ear to ear – so excited for you, but so excited that he’d finally be a part of this family. You have found a truly great guy – one who loves to know how you are feeling, who wants so badly for you to be happy, who loves to have deep discussions, one who sees the world in a new, unique way. Erick is always looking for the beauty and meaning in everything. He’s a fantastic chef, he’s great with kids, and he’s playful and fun.

You and Erick balance each other out very well, and I know that you don’t need any advice – you’ve been in this relationship for a while. But, if I can offer you any words of wisdom as you embark on this new journey together, I would like to remind you of a few things: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Making assumptions and setting expectations without communicating them will only get you into trouble. Remember your partner is not a mind reader. Be creative. This will be easy for both of you as you are both wired to be creative. Marriage is an opportunity to create a unique space in the world for just the two of you. Your marriage doesn’t have to BE a certain way – just create it how you want and keep coming back to that same holy space you have carved out for just each other. Don’t be scared. Marriage is delicate and tender, but your ties to each other are strong, so don’t be afraid of anything. Never leave the house without a kiss and a hug goodbye.  Treat each other like this is your first day and your last day together. Today is the only day that matters. You will both respect each other more and cherish each other more if you can try really hard to do this. Communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more. Be patient with each other, and then be patient with yourself.  Recognize that there are fundamental differences between men and women, but challenge these differences and encourage each other to be more than a stereotype. It’s okay to go to bed angry. Sometimes you’ll just have to get some space and time between each other. You’re humans with human emotions, and it’s okay to need to be upset and get some distance before responding to something that would otherwise bring out the worst in you. Speaking of space, keep some for yourself. Don’t lose yourself to your partner. You each fell in love with the other as an individual. Don’t lose that individuality. And, visit your big sister often!

Kira, there are moments in my life that I will never forget you being by my side – like the moments spent just the two of us before MY wedding, or when I didn’t make the cheerleading squad and you just listened and let me cry, or like the morning I left for college and I quietly snuck into your bedroom to snuggle with you one last time, or the night of Sam’s accident when you insisted on staying at the ER until we were ready to leave, and the long-awaited moment when I got to introduce you to my son, and even the day (or should I say many days) you gave me the wisest advice when I was overwhelmed with my newborn. Thank you for all those days and so many yet to come. I cannot wait to stand next to you tomorrow as you marry Erick. As you know, I will always stand next to you and to Erick whenever you need me. Thank you both for allowing me the honor of participating in your weekend in such a special way! I love you both so much!