The Fourth Trimester is Over!!

Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on the Block, writes about the theory of a fourth trimester that all babies need in order to fully be ready for the world. While I don't particularly love his book, I love this particular theory that babies need more time in the womb. I was not ready for Banner to be born - not because I was afraid to be a mom or because I wasn't ready to meet my baby - but because I felt he needed more time baking. Although he was born on his due date and was completely "ready" by all doctors' standards, in my heart, I felt that he would benefit from being in the womb longer. I wanted to be late. I loved being pregnant, and I wanted Banner to have as much time in his little cocoon as he could before trying to cope with this scary, unpredictable, big world. Dr. Karp suggests that all babies need about three more months to mature and prepare their bodies and brains to cope with the stimulation of the outside world; hence the reason so many newborns are fussy and cranky until about three months old. He suggests, also, that colicky babies start to improve around three months old. He believes that babies would benefit from that extra time as a fetus but that there simply isn't enough room inside. While I agree about the room and am glad I only got as big as I did while pregnant, these first three months have been chaotic and stressful! So, thank you, Dr. Karp for acknowledging that I was right to want my baby inside longer and that the first three months are HARD! :)

Enough about that, though... I just wanted to celebrate that Banner is three months old and that his fourth trimester (or mine?!) is officially over! So, how do I feel about that? Well, I'm sad that my newborn is no longer a newborn... he's an"infant" now. He's growing so quickly, looks vastly different from his first few days (although I still see the same features just on a bigger scale), and is learning so much! I'm also excited to watch him grow and develop - he's getting to have such a personality, and we're learning each other more and more. So, each passing day is a bittersweet feeling as I lose my tiny baby yet meet my amazing son! Each day is like a new gift unwrapping itself before my eyes as I watch Banner learn something new, try a new skill, grow into his body, or absorb the world around him.

Each Sunday, Sam and I discuss and list our observations about Banner; we keep track of them in the same spiral notebook that my mom kept for her observations about me. Some notes about Banner for now are:

• Wanting to hold his own bottle - just doesn't know to keep it upright the whole time
• Loves audiobooks! I figured this out when I listened to The Help in the car, he would be much happier for longer car rides. Once I finished the book, I bought some for the iPod so we could listen all the time. I can actually see him smile from the rear-view mirror when I start The Kissing Hand or Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
• Sleeping 10.5-11 hours each night, but napping is much more difficult. He only wants to nap 45 minutes but about 4 times a day. He naps easiest in his swing... wish he would sleep in his crib, so I'm working on it, but he fusses less in the swing and will nap longer there.
• Mimics Mommy and Daddy when "ahhh" or "ooohh" sounds are made. Sometimes, we think he can mimic "hiiii" sound, but not consistently. Loves for us to talk to him!
• Batting and kicking objects
• Tolerating tummy time longer but it still wears him out after a while
• Discovering his body - loves when we take his hands to touch the top of his head; loves massages, loves to look at his hands and hold them, grabs at our hands more
• Giggling more! :) LOVE THIS!!
• Drooling lots
• Loves to suck on his hands
• Rubs eyes when tired
• Likes stories read to him and looks at the pictures
• Still spitting up a whole lot!
• Wanting desperately to sit up - will often pull his body forward, like he's doing crunches, and fusses until he's sitting up
• Loves to "stand" with fingers to hold on to. I've read this isn't good for babies, but then I've read that they should be bearing weight on their legs - so who knows?! My baby is SOOO strong, though, as anyone who has held him will tell you. If I don't let him, he will get upset. He loves to use his muscles!
• Seems shy at first - even to familiar people. He will often bury his head into my shoulder (with a smile) when around a new face that day - even Daddy's sometimes. A few minutes later, he's more interested. I was SO this way... maybe still am!
• LOVES hugs and kisses, especially a tight hug that shakes him just a tad. He will laugh when I do this at the right time. 
• Seemingly more cuddly... likes to hold his lovey we call "Bear" before a nap. If Bear isn't around, he'll settle for a burp rag (since there are always so many around!!). 
• Predictable routine: wake/eat/play/sleep - but naps are getting shorter, as I said above, so we are starting to see a wake/eat/play/sleep/wake/play/eat/play/sleep pattern at times. . . as I try to hold off on feeding him after a short nap. The boy wants to eat all the time - expecting food after waking almost every time! He's eating 5 bottles a day of 5.5 ounces each. If I had to pinpoint an actual time (which changes everyday, much to my Type A frustration), I'd say he eats around 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm. 
• We have moved up to Size 2 diapers, and he'll fit into newborn clothes all the way to 6 month clothes - depending on the way it fits. Some of his newborn onesies still fit him, but I'm mostly dressing him in 3 month outfits. 
• Perfect bedtime routine - bath when he starts to get fussy at night (usually around 6:45), lotion, dressed in comfy footsie pjs, bottle with Daddy, Mommy swaddles then rocks him to a drowsy almost-sleep. He usually unswaddles his arms at this point, but we're not quite ready to give it up. . . he won't fall asleep without it just yet.
• Loves music and being sung to - much to his Aunt Kira's delight! I sing to him (when no one's around!) and he just lights up!

If I had to guess, I would say Banner will be an affectionate little boy. He's still such a "thinker" in my opinion. He has a concentrated look on his face even when he's starting to doze. Sometimes I worry that he's uptight and that he needs to relax - but then again, that would be my kid - son of a thinker, a worrier, a planner, a control freak! Maybe if I can start modeling that carefree behavior, he'll relax a little bit! :) Oh, Banner Boone - we will just have to learn that together! In the meantime, we're enjoying our little munchkin! Parenting is beyond difficult - way more challenging than I could have imagined. I thought it was going to be hard, but THIS hard . . . had no idea! The only thing that keeps me going each day is that bright, beautiful, blue-eyed little man who smiles at me each morning and each night and so many times in between! One year ago, I didn't know I was pregnant yet. Here we are, four trimesters later, and I am so in love with Banner and with watching the little boy he's becoming!

Cotton Anniversary!

I'm not sure how many people are aware of the custom of exchanging particular gifts on various wedding anniversaries. I actually love this idea, and to know more about it, I recently researched how it all came to be! Here's a very quick history lesson... Dating back to medieval times, milestone anniversaries were celebrated by giving couples (particularly the wife) specific types of materials - silver on the 25th, gold on the 50th. Later, Victorians added diamonds to the list, and celebrating anniversaries with specific materials became more popular. In the 20th century, more anniversaries were recognized with themed-gifts, and now there is a list of items that span 1-100 years of marriage! It makes sense that a traditional first anniversary gift is paper. Why? Because it's pure, clean, blank. It tears easily, and it's inexpensive - of very little value. As time goes on, each traditional wedding gift gets stronger and more valuable - just as the marriage and relationship does. The strength and quality of the marriage is mirrored in the traditional gift associated with it, and personally, I like this idea.

Last year, Sam and I celebrated our "paper" anniversary by exchanging cards and other "paper gifts." He gave me a gift certificate for a massage - printed on our home computer paper. And, I gave him a digital scrapbook wrapped in toilet paper! :) It was a DVD documenting each week of our first year. This year is our 2nd wedding anniversary, and the traditional gift for year 2 is cotton. So many choices on what to do this year! We've been talking about getting a king-size bed for a long time. Sam made me promise not to get any gifts this year because he wanted our gift to each other to be a new king-size bed. Lots of cotton opportunities there - new bedspread, pillows, sheets, etc! Unfortunately, I had already bought his anniversary gift, and I was pretty sure Banner had gotten a gift for us, too! ;) But, I "played along" and didn't get us anything.

Saturday of Labor Day weekend, Sam and I went to make our big purchase! Although Banner cried the entire time we experimented with and tried out different mattresses, we eventually made a decision. We spent the rest of the afternoon running all over the area trying to find bedding we liked - a new duvet and cover, decor, etc. LOTS of cotton for our new bedroom! :) On Sunday, we packed a bag for us and a bag for Banner. He would be spending the night with Grandma and Papa for the first time by himself, and we would be going back to our mini-moon location at the Gaylord Texan for 24 hours by ourselves. I was reluctant to leave Banner - stalling as I said my goodbyes - but once I was in the car and we were on the road - it was awesome! I loved having time with Sam just the two of us again. I missed my baby, and we talked about Banner a lot - but it was also great to have other talks, walks, treats, and time together. One important thing that I got to enjoy again was a semi-schedule! I knew what time we'd be going to dinner, that we'd go to the pool afterward, that we could sleep in a little, and that we'd have brunch before we left the hotel. Living each day with Banner without knowing when I'll be woken up, what time he'll want to eat or nap, etc - it gets a little unnerving for my Type A personality. So, Sam promised me we could have a lose schedule, and honestly, just knowing I could have a schedule made me not really care about it anymore! I was so much more flexible about my time just knowing it was MY time, OUR time. So, it was kind of nice to be away from Baby Boy - except for the fact that there was a baby in the room next to ours, and we heard him all night and all morning! Luckily, it wasn't our baby, and we didn't have to do a damn thing about it - except tolerate the crying, which we've become empathic to and not annoyed by (kind of!).

Here are some pictures of us during our anniversary celebration at Gaylord.

Here is Sam enjoying his glass of wine - and mine! I told the waiter twice that I didn't want any (not a drinker), but he poured one anyway, so Sam got to enjoy both of them.

This is us after a night of full, uninterrupted sleep! :) Can you tell how rested we look?

 

On Monday, we enjoyed a brunch before leaving to get Banner from Grandma and Papa's house. He had done a great job sleeping 11 hours through the night ... he's on a roll lately!  Our anniversary celebration continued on Tuesday... the king bed arrived during the day. Banner and I set it up (okay, Banner did his part by sleeping and letting me have some time to prepare it all) so that it would be ready for Sam when he got home from work. It looked great! We still need to get a headboard, but that's for another day...

Tuesday night, we put Banner to bed before making our stir-fry dinner. As we sat down to eat, look what we found at our dining room table!

 

Banner had bought us some of the towels on our wedding registry! Such a sweet, caring, giving boy we have! :)

Also, on my chair was a sweet card and my favorite candy from Sam... (OTL: One True Love)

 

And, here's a picture of us before dinner... the baby monitor is clipped to my t-shirt, making it pull my collar - I was afraid I wouldn't hear Banner, so ... you do what you have to, right?

 

After we cleaned up from dinner, I had one more trick up my sleeve! On the couch waiting for Sam was a bag of cotton balls. Inside, there was a special treat...

 

I have been secretly working on a second year DVD, documenting each week of our year together. Sam was really surprised; he had mentioned wanting to have a DVD for each anniversary after the surprise last year, so I did another one. He thought I had forgotten or wouldn't have time (which I really didn't, but thank God for nap times!). This video was very well-received, and we watched it twice. There were tears and smiles and a strong recognition that we spend our time well - with friends, with family, with each other. It was quite a year to remember... pregnancy, Banner's birth, and opening a whole new chapter of our relationship as we learn to parent together. It was a year of worry and anxiety but of joy and elation. Mom finished her radiation treatments, we Raced for a Cure, we celebrated birthdays and graduations, we welcomed many new family members, and we had lots of snow days together! There were sleepless nights, tiring days, nauseous mornings, and exhausted evenings... but in the end, we became a family of three! And, what a wonderful family it is - I just love this life with Sam and with Banner and all of our extended family and friends. It's a life to be so thankful for, and I truly am every single day! Our day ended in a perfect way: As Sam and I got into our king-size bed at the same exact time, and as we listened to Banner breathing in his pack-n-play, we held each other and appreciated this past year and how much we love each other. We may have only been married for two years now, but we've been best friends for about 15, and our relationship has stood the test of time, distance, stress, and change.

Happy Cotton Anniversary, Sam! Here's to many more! I can't wait to see what this year brings, and I can't wait to see what our LEATHER anniversary will entail! :) I love you!

To Change or Not To Change... That's Been the Question

No, this post is not about whether or not to change a midnight dirty diaper, as Sam thought the title might suggest...

Here we are - 2 years after "I Do!" and I thought I'd give an update on how things have been with my decision to keep my maiden name. I went on my soapbox years ago about how and why I decided not to change my last name when I got married. If you don't remember that (or never read it), click on this link for more about my decision.

I had promised Sam after one year of marriage that I would reconsider changing my last name. Well, that year came and went, and not only was Sam completely okay with my decision, he said he couldn't imagine me having another name. I decided to keep my name. The year hadn't been so bad with all the mix-ups and the confusion that others had to deal with because of my/our decision. So, now another year has passed - another year of confusion, mix-ups, and questions. And, to make matters more difficult, we now have a baby with Sam's last name (see below on why his last name and not mine). Here are a few things that we experience with different last names:

-I get called Mrs. HisLastName all the time. He gets called Mr. MyLastName a lot. Usually, this is by people we don't care to correct: the cashier, the plumber, the waiter, etc. It just doesn't matter if they have the correct name.
-We get mail for Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName, and sometimes (rarely) we get mail for Mr. and Mrs. MyLastName.
-When we told our pest control service that we were married, they automatically changed the name on the account to Sam and Amber HisLastName. I set up the account, and the house is in my name, so I'm not sure why they changed it, but... oh well.
-When Banner was born, he was referred to as Banner MyLastName because he was born to me, the patient. We had to tell several staff there that his last name was different. The insurance was a hassle, too. We have Banner covered only through Sam's work, but I am covered under both my work and Sam's work. Somehow, I was listed under Sam's policy as "Amber HisLastName" but under my policy, I was listed correctly. It has been a little bit of a maze to get this resolved, but it's currently all taken care of.

So, the big question I get now is, "Now that you have a kid, are you going to change your name?" Well, the answer is: No, I'm not. I'm perfectly fine with these mix-ups. While I wish others were more sensitive to the issue and didn't make assumptions all over the place, I am pleased with my choice, and I believe Sam is, too. Perhaps the biggest problem will be that all 3 of us will inevitably be mixed up with each others' last names. That's okay with me, though. I feel like it makes us all more bonded to each other - even through this name challenge. I'm sure when Banner is in school, the teachers will assume I'm remarried or that I'm the step-mother. I'll have to explain it or tell them that Sam and I are Banner's parents (and that we are married). I'm sure he'll get sick of having to explain that, but he'll also learn to have a respect for choice, for women, and for self. That's the main reason I didn't really care what Banner's last name was. I was given a name at birth - a name I grew attached to. So, why change it? Banner is not attached to a name at this point - so why should it matter what name he is given? In my gut, it bothers me that children are automatically given the father's last name as if they belong to him (and not the mother?). From this perspective, I could have argued for fairness and either merged our names or hyphenated it. But, that would have been for ME and not for Banner. He doesn't know any different; he has no self-identity yet. So, I decided to not push any buttons and "go with the flow" on this issue. But, maybe our next kid will have MY last name! :) (although entirely feasible, that's a joke, so don't go emailing me hate mail)

Sleep Cheat Sheet

Banner has been doing such a great job of sleeping through the night recently. I want to remember what it is that WE did to help him with that so that whenever we have another baby to help, we can remember what worked well for (one day) big brother. His first stretch of 8 hours was just before his 2 month birthday. Previous to that, he would sleep for about 6 hours, and immediately following the first 8 hour stretch, he continued to sleep anywhere from 6-8 hours. We've been very blessed with a good night time sleeper, but his naps are still a work in progress.This past week, at 10 weeks old, he has slept 9 hours twice.

So what are we doing to help keep this up? Well, I'm reading a great book, first of all. A good friend of ours recommended (and loaned to us) The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight: Gentle Proven Solutions to Help Your Child Sleep Well and Wake Up Happy (by: Kim West). It's the first practical book I've read - giving actual guidelines for how often babies should sleep during the day, how often they should wake during the night, and how much and how often they should be eating at various ages. Every other book I've read tells you something like, "Every baby's different," or "Talk to your doctor about . . ." when I just wanted a rough guideline. I highly recommend this book, and actually following a plan - ANY plan - is a helpful tool. I also like that it's outlined by age, so I don't have to read the entire book at once to get the gist. I can read just what applies to Banner, and I can also read just a little bit ahead to know what's in our immediate future. I'm so sick of those books that take 100 pages just to tell you a simple approach to something. (I found that The Happiest Baby on the Block was one of these books... the author wants to tell you lots of stories, toot his own horn about all his experience, and make money writing a lengthy book about a simple approach to calming a cranky baby. I found that the author tells you the same thing over and over again - not much meat to his verbose writing, and I got frustrated quickly!) Anyway, back to my original point of this paragraph - sticking to a plan has helped a lot, and this book is awesome! (Thanks, Julia!)

What is that plan? Well, for starters, we have a great bedtime routine. It's simple, but consistent. When we notice that he's getting a little fussy, and wanting to sleep (which we don't let him do a lot of before bedtime), we get him ready for his bath. We bathe him every night - but we only use soap every other night (except on his neck, where we find the pesky evidence of a battle with reflux). Banner loves the bath. We try to make this a fun, lengthy process. Sometimes I sing to him, and we do lots of body teaching, saying what we're cleaning as we do it. He gets very relaxed in the tub, and it immediately stops his fussing. I spray him down one last time with warm water before Sam wraps him up tightly in his towel so he doesn't get cold - we make this very quick! Then, Sam diapers him in Banner's room, while I quickly clean up. Then, I get to lather him with lotion before putting him in warm pjs. The lotion is another part of the routine which helps relax Banner. I also talk more about his body and give him a nice baby massage! (I also remind him that when he's older, he can give ME a massage!)

Next, Sam feeds him his last bottle of the night. This bottle is a little bigger than the others. It's about an ounce or 1.5 ounces MORE than the ones he gets during the day. When he's finished, I swaddle Banner and rock him for a bit until he's drowsy but not fully asleep yet. Then, I put him to bed - currently in the pack 'n play in our room. When Banner gets up, usually 6+ hours later (sometimes 8-9!), we feed him an ounce to 1.5 ounces LESS than bottles he gets during the day. Then, he goes back to sleep for another 3 hours or so.

We've also noticed that the earlier the bedtime, the longer he sleeps. Holding him off until 10:00 does more damage than good. It's better to aim for 8:45-9:00ish. He's actually been giving signs lately that he wants to go to bed even earlier.

So, here's the cheat sheet part - both from what I've read and what I've learned on my own:

• Don't play musical beds. Where he starts the night is where he wakes in the morning.
• Don't entertain him when he wakes. He needs to learn that night time is boring and that he won't get much interaction from us. 
• Don't put toys in the crib. His bed should be a place to sleep, not to play.
• Let him put himself to sleep. When he wakes after a sleep cycle, he will put himself back to sleep. He might need us to replace his pacifier, but otherwise, we don't react to every sound or eye-opening.
• Don't change a wet diaper or wet clothes in the middle of the night - unless absolutely necessary. This will only wake him more. If he poops, change him, but be quick and remember not to interact much at all.
• In the morning, make a big deal about it being morning. Interact a lot and smile! Let him know NOW is time to wake up!

These tips are working for us now. I hope they continue to prove effective for Banner. I know it will change with growth spurts, with teething, and with more cognitive awareness, but for now, it's nice to have a plan. And, it's nice to know I have a great resource to go to when I'm in doubt. Our next project is to lengthen and organize his nap schedule.

My Heart Outside My Body

Elizabeth Stone said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I first heard this quotation when I was student teaching, and it made a lot of sense to me. But, it never made as much sense to me until now, until I had a child of my own. As I've written about before, loving Banner can actually hurt sometimes. Each day I spend with him, though, I feel my heart melting more and more. And, now that I'm officially on my maternity leave, I feel the days slipping by, and I know that they will fly all too quickly before I'm back at work again. I want to savor my time with my boy, and even though there are tiring times, moments of intense frustration, and long, daunting days sometimes, I fall in love with my sweet angel more and more each day. As everyone has told me, every day really does get better. I get to know him so much more; he gets to know me so much more; and, we are so in love with each other. I just can't get enough of my munchkin, and I find myself reaching for the video camera more and more - wanting to capture him, fighting to hang on to his tiny-ness, and desperately hoping to remember every moment, every movement, every memory. I can't wait to hear his cooing voice each day, I can't wait to see that cute smile, and I can't wait to kiss all over his soft cheeks! He's like a favorite song you want to hear on repeat or that favorite episode you could watch over and over again. The love grows stronger and deeper each day, and the pain of loving him so much grows even more painful . . . my heart - outside my body!

As kids around the country go back to school this week, I hurt for all those parents sending their kids out into the world, unleashing them to find their destinies on their own. And, I have thought about each of those parents a great deal in the past few days - from a mom walking her daughter to her new Kindergarten classroom to a mom coming home to an empty nest after dropping her son off at college. I read my friends' blogs with big tears in my eyes, knowing how deep their love is for their own child(ren) and embracing the days I have with my baby before he's off in the big world. I know these days will feel like "just yesterday" when I'm walking Banner to school, praying that I've done a somewhat-decent job preparing him for whatever comes his way. I'll be that emotional parent, gulping down that lump in my throat to keep from crying, remembering when he smiled at me for the first time or thinking back to these days of cooing sweetly on his play pad with his fingers curled around mine. I tear-up thinking of it now, just knowing how fast that moment will be here. Yet, I can't wait to see what amazing things come his way. In the meantime, I will just keep falling in love with my son and caring for my heart as it prepares to walk away from me one day.

Spit-Up, Hiccup, Clean-Up, Fed Up

Disclaimer: In most of my previous postings, when I need to vent, I usually say something like, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining..." Well, in this post, I AM COMPLAINING! I'm whining and I'm letting you know it!

Banner has reflux. Like many babies experience, reflux is when the stomach hasn't started a normal squeezing pattern that gets the stomach into a digestive rhythm. This allows milk to sit in the baby's stomach longer than normal and causes the baby to spit up or have reflux. A great deal of what we feed him makes its way back up and out of Banner's mouth at any point after a feeding. ANY.POINT... 10 seconds to 2 hours to right before his next feeding. Yet, he has never really minded the fact that partially-digested formula cascades out of his mouth and down his chin like a running faucet. He doesn't mind the wetness of his clothes or the foul odor of sour formula. He doesn't seem to mind having to wear a bib almost constantly, and he doesn't appear to be bothered by the 20 minutes or longer that he must stay upright before we can go play after eating. He's a trooper, and he's certainly more patient than I am. I feel badly for him that he has to deal with such an annoying problem all day (and all night!) long. It has to be frustrating to constantly have wet clothing or have to be changed out of them numerous times a day; it has to be frustrating to never know when your previous meal is going to pop back up - in the car, on the play mat, in your sleep, in the bathtub, in your swing, while someone is holding you, having a diaper changed, etc. It just never goes away! I feel so badly for him that his eating experience is ruined by this problem; he has to continue to eat his formula all day long as it gets stuck in his mouth or reappears throughout the day.

Sounds appetizing, right? Ugh! I feel so badly for him, and I have to remember it's worse for him. BUT, it's really frustrating for me, too! I am so fed up (no pun intended) with having to clean my carpets, do more laundry, change Banner's clothes, have extra burp rags on hand, clean the furniture, pull my hair back, change my own clothes, etc. It's unnerving! I also have to worry about him choking on his spit-up - a fear that keeps me from sleeping deeply at night. Poor baby can spit up at any time at night, choking on his previous meals or having it stream out of his nose. If Banner coughs at night, Sam and I are immediately out of bed, peering over Banner's pack-n-play making sure he's not spitting up and choking on it. It's the main reason we haven't moved him out of our room yet. . . I'm too paranoid to have him any farther from us at night.

Banner also gets the hiccups after every meal. EVERY.SINGLE.MEAL since he was born! If we did the approximate math on this, he has had hiccups about 498 times so far. I absolutely hurt for him! The thing is, though, he LOVES to eat. I don't know if that's because he would have loved to eat anyway or if it's because he's never full after spitting up so much between feedings. He's got a strong suck, taking his bottles in about 10 minutes! He's a fast eater, which is part of the problem, I'm sure. We try to take breaks, trying to elicit a (hopefully dry) burp while also trying to slow the feeding down. We know he's getting enough to eat, because he is putting on weight appropriately, and he's filling out nicely. He's a very strong boy - as EVERYone has mentioned to us. I sometimes wonder if his muscles are so strong that they squeeze so tightly inside that food is projected out. He spits up more often before he hiccups, he spits up more often when he's excited (like if someone makes him smile or laugh), and he spits up more if he hasn't been burped in the middle of a bottle. We know we're not overfeeding him, either, as he's only in the 30th percentile for weight. He can spit-up even just the smallest amount, like the 2.5mL of reflux medication we give him twice a day. When this (rarely) happens, I think it's funny and ironic - spitting up the medicine that's supposed to help you from spitting up. Apparently, though, the medicine is not supposed to help with the spitting up - it's supposed to keep the acid level down so that Banner is not in pain when it happens.

And he's not - not in any pain at all. That's the most amazingly weird part. I'd be so pissed if I were puking all day - but not my little baby! He's just a "happy spitter," as the doctor calls him. He will happily go about his day, barfing here and there and everywhere. He's even spit up into his eye before and did not seem to mind. (I was rocking him to sleep, he spit up a LOT, and it went all over his face. I tried to hurry to wipe it away, but he opened his eyes and in went the spit-up!) I'm glad he doesn't seem to mind. Thank goodness he's handling this daily/nightly frustration so well! He's definitely doing better than his mama! I am constantly worried and annoyed - both for him and for me! We're on our 4th formula right now - and I'm ready for a fifth because this one is worse than before. We spend about $140 every two weeks on his reflux medicine that I'm not sure he really needs - as he's never really been in pain from the reflux. It's a specially-mixed medicine that our insurance won't cover, and it's only good for up to 15 days after it's made. So even if we didn't finish the bottle, we have to continue to refill the prescription. Each formula we try gets increasingly more expensive than the last. Currently, the formula we're trying costs $10 per quart. He goes through a little less than a quart each day, so we're spending approximately $70 a week on formula. If things don't improve somewhat soon, we'll be taking him to a GI doctor, and I'm sure that won't be cheap, either. But, all of this is worth it if Banner needs it - I just haven't seen much of a difference with all these interventions (new formula, medicine, holding him upright for a while after eating, elevating his changing pad, etc.). Given that Banner seems to be otherwise healthy, I'm grateful that this is all we're dealing with. Things could be so much worse. I also know we're in good company, since so many of my friends and family have shared other woes of reflux with us. I feel badly that not many people want to hold Banner, for fear of barf rolling down their clothing. I feel badly that he's puked on so many people's carpeting and furniture. I feel badly that I practically gag at the smell of his new formula (but Banner understands, he gagged, too, the first few feedings!). I feel badly that I won't pick him up without a (somewhat) trusty burp rag nearby or on my shoulder. I feel badly that I have to pull my hair back before I can pick him up - and I'm starting to think he doesn't recognize me with my hair down...seriously! (This act is getting harder because I've broken all of my hair clips this summer. I broke my only one left yesterday, so I HAVE to go get more today!) I hate that when I walk into Banner's room, I can smell his awful-smelling formula immediately! Sam used to not mind the smell of formula on him at work, because it reminded him of Banner - but now, he can't stand it. This new formula has robbed us of that sweet baby smell!

We're hoping we find a "cure" soon. I know this is such a common problem; there has to be a formula for Banner out there! It will just take time and patience for us to find it. I just hope it's sooner than later for everyone's sake - especially my little bulimic baby.

On Becoming a Mommy

There was one day recently when Banner was not making eye contact. I wasn't the only one who noticed it - Mom and Sam did, too. All of us would try to get his attention by putting our faces in his line of vision. We'd get close, we'd back up. We would try toys, we would try smiles and high-pitched voices. We'd get on one side, then try the other. I quickly became frustrated and worried. I started Googling all about infant eye-contact, researching my parenting books for this issue in the index, and looking at information we had from the pediatrician. I also quickly became nauseous - my stomach in knots as I read words like "autism" and "anti-social." I felt so sick to my stomach and started envisioning my son's future with loads of early intervention to try to break through to him - reliving the frustrating day we all had just trying to get my baby to look at us! I worried about his vision, his hearing, his social abilities. And, I tried so hard not to jump to conclusions, not to get too far ahead of myself; after all, Sam and I had just both reported to the pediatrician that Banner does make eye contact, and he smiles at us often.

Shortly after Banner fell asleep, I cried and told Sam why I was so concerned. He, too, began to look up way too much information on the web. Once Banner woke up, I was in the shower. Sam reported to me afterward, though, that Banner made lots of eye contact and was smiling a great deal. He predicted correctly when I responded with, "Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" He, of course, was not just saying that - and when I was rocking Banner to sleep later that night, I got lots of eye contact. I cried as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and said, "There you are!" I felt like I hadn't seen him all day - because he seemed to not have seen me all day!

The following day, everything was fine, and Banner's behaviors have been fine since then... very social, smiley, almost giggly, and quite interested in looking at Mommy (and Daddy, too!). But, that awful nauseous feeling will continue to be there. . . and THAT'S how I know I'm a Mommy. Ever since Banner was born, I see the world in a whole new way. I see danger where I didn't before (from sharp corners to sharp knives; hot water to hot sun). I worry about any number of diseases, illnesses, disorders, and syndromes. I hurt when I think he might be hurting. I care more about his needs and rarely remember to meet my own. My heart literally squeezes with pain from how much I love him as I lay him down to sleep each night.

There are a few good things that have come from this Mommy-hood. I appreciate slow drivers, but I also realize that sometimes those moms who go a little faster to make that light just might have an infant in the car who hates the red light. I have learned how to do so many tasks faster than ever before - from putting on my make-up to folding laundry. I have the ability to clean the house with one hand or maybe just a foot - never before have my toes been so "handy!" Along those lines, I clean my house more than ever before. I am a better planner than even before - and that's a damn good planner! I eat less. I shop fast. I drive safer. I gave up some vanity, and I watch less TV. Although I'd love some "me" time that I haven't gotten in over 2 months, I cherish my time with my husband even more than before. Even when I could take advantage of taking a longer shower or driving a little slower on the way home from an errand by myself, I hurry to get home. I want to be there, don't want to miss anything, and want to help out as much as I can.

As I continue to open the door to Mommy-hood, I'm learning lots of new things. I'm learning what it feels like to miss your baby. I'm realizing not everything can be perfect. I'm realizing that loving someone so much can actually hurt sometimes. I'm learning how much more I should have thanked my own mother growing up! I know now just how confusing the whole job is - and I'm so much more experienced with infants than the average person - having worked with infants since high school and college. I realize now just how much moms all over the world are more often than not "flying by the seat of their pants." We're all making this up as we go along - trying our best to make the safest, wisest, healthiest, most nurturing choices we can - from how often and how much to feed to how much and how often to play! I have also learned that just when I think I know the answer, there's a whole new list of questions. Just when I figure something out, another issue surfaces. So, I've also learned that once one stress or one stage passes, there will be another one to take its place.

Never before have I cried so much in two short (okay, they've been kind of long to me, honestly!) months. Sometimes the tears have been due to pain, sometimes due to exhaustion or frustration. But, mostly, they've been due to complete and overwhelming happiness. Never before have I been so conflicted in how I feel about time. I want time to fly faster so that I can see Banner's personality unfold and develop. Yet, I also want time to stand still so I don't forget the smell of his hair, the softness of his skin, the sound of his coos, or the sweetness in his eyes. I want to savor his tiny-ness and his earliest stages as he's on the verge of figuring out the world; yet, I want to jump to an older stage when we can interact in a whole new way and I can figure out what's going on in that seemingly-thoughtful head of his!

Chances are Banner was overstimulated or overtired on that day we couldn't get him to look us in the eyes. He's been all smiles lately and seems to be falling in love with us as much as we are with him. The best is right before he goes to sleep. The past few nights, he just smiles and smiles almost giddy with all the attention he has from Mommy and Daddy. I'm waiting on that laugh. . . it's so close to being a full laugh! He squeals and makes little noises that sound like a laugh, but I wouldn't count it as a full laugh yet. As I see such delight and pleasure in his eyes, I am relieved that maybe that day was just an "off" day. It won't take away the constant worry and concern I have for him, though. Maybe that's why pregnancy begins with such nausea - to prepare you for the belly-turning fear you have for your little ones. Maybe that's why we endure so much pain during pregnancy and labor - to prepare us for the years of torment from worry. It helps get us ready for those moments of pure anxiety as he's about to bump his head, trip on something and fall, cut himself, choke on a piece of food, make the wrong friend, fail a test, drive for the first time, or make the wrong choice. And, just like the trite saying goes, it's so worth it. Being a Mommy - a purely painful pleasure!

Happy Birthday, Sam!!

Sam, we just love you so much! We have been spending the day trying to figure out how to make this day so special for you. We cooked for you, we shopped for you, and we even spent the early hours together so that you could sleep more. We're hoping you enjoyed the special treat that Banner sent to you at work:
We can't wait to spend more and more birthdays with you! We are so thankful for your life and for having you in ours!

Back to Work

I knew it had to happen eventually. I would have to leave Banner for a long stretch of time in order to go back to work. I'm not really "back to work" officially yet. . . or maybe I am, but I'll be taking "maternity leave" after 9 work days at the beginning of the school year. But, today was the first day that I went back to my work role, leaving Banner with my mom for an extended period of time. As I tried to lull him to sleep before I left, tears surprised me - rolling down my face as I looked at my little angel closing his drowsy eyes before I headed out to talk business at a leadership conference to create our school's improvement plan for the year. It was so hard to leave my baby boy to talk about data, goals, and objectives for a year that won't include me staying at home with him. Immediately after leaving Banner, I called Sam on my way to my meeting, and yet again, tears streamed down my face as I scrambled to find something to absorb them. I asked him how he does it everyday - leave Banner to go to work. He said, "I don't have a choice." But, I replied that he does have a choice, and he said that he didn't. The way he looks at it is that there is no choice, and his working provides for Banner. He must work in order to give him all the things he wants him to have. "Maybe I don't look at it like that. Maybe I feel like I do have a choice," I said, as I'm constantly feeling like I could stay at home if we could make that work somehow. Yet, I know that going to work is the best choice for us right now.

Anyway, I hung up with Sam and kept driving, trying to get over my sadness. I knew Banner was in great hands - the best I know! I knew the day would go quickly once I got settled in, and I knew I only had to work 9 days total before going into official "maternity leave." So, I calmed down. . . but, then, once I sat down and said hello to my team, my principal took out the birth announcement I had sent to the school. There was my precious boy in his cute poses being showed off to my peers, and then came the tears again. I was shocked at myself for the continued teary state, but I also didn't want to hold it back and get too worked up. I reminded myself that being in the working world allowed me to provide more for Banner. Throughout the hours of the meeting, I would think of Banner - wondering what he was doing, missing him, wishing I could hold him and getting upset that I wasn't with him. I then would remind myself that being at work was for him.

Again, I only have 8 more days to get through now, but the inevitability of maternity leave ending and having to go back to work for good makes me cringe. I love my job. I love my co-workers. I love the community I work in, and I love the kids I work with. But, leaving my own baby to go be with other peoples' "babies" makes little sense to me at times. I'll have to come to terms with that later on, but for now, I just have to get through 8 more days. 8 more days for now. That's it!

It sounds so simple, but I am not the same employee that left the school building back in June. I'm a mother now - a mommy. That job, in my opinion, comes first. It's my priority, my most important job I'll ever have. So, when I'm at my paid job, it's hard to put my mommy job on hold. And, I want to still be good at what I do - at both of my jobs. I know there's been ongoing discussion about women and whether they can "have it all" by being working mothers. There's so much guilt associated with any choice a parent makes regarding working or not. I'm sure I'll have so much more to say about this topic in future posts. For now, though, all I can say is that it's difficult. . . so hard to give that last hug and kiss to your child to leave him for the day (or however long) to do something important but not nearly as important as that child you're leaving. Let's just hope I can make it through 8 more days without tears!

Two Month Check-Up!

Baby Boy is 8 weeks old now!! Banner had his two month check up with his pediatrician this week, and we are pleased to announce that he is a healthy boy! Here are his stats for now:

-Weight: 10 pounds, 15.5 ounces -- we'll just call this 11 pounds! That means Banner has gained 4 pounds, 3 ounces since birth.

-Height: 22 1/2 inches, which means he has grown 2 and a half inches since his birthday

-Head Circumference: 39 cm (This was our first head measurement, so nothing to compare to yet!)

All of these measurements are the 30th percentile. We were glad to know that everything is pretty proportional, but we were surprised that he wasn't higher on the chart for height. Everyone comments that he is so tall, but apparently - he's not! :) Simply put, if Banner were in a room with 100 other kids his age, he would be taller than only one-third of them.

Banner is still dealing with acid reflux that we're hoping subsides in a couple months or less as his digestive system matures a little more. I'm dealing with all the laundry that comes with the mess of reflux. I'm not sure who has it worse - since Banner is not in any pain with the medication, he's just a "happy spitter" as the doctor calls him! :)

His development is right on track! He's a strong boy, but he has a strong will, too. He loves to look to the right, and for weeks I've been worried about his slightly mis-shaped head, so when we talked to the doctor about it, he suggested we pay more attention to how we feed, change, play with, and position Banner so we are not encouraging the head tilting to the right. I have made a point of doing this from early on - readjusting how I feed him by switching arms, interacting with him on both sides of his head, trying to get him to turn his head to the left when he sleeps, etc., but he just prefers that right side! In fact, every suggestion that is in the pamphlet the doctor gave us - I'm already doing! Good for me, but why is it not working?? So, the doctor taught us a few exercises to do with Banner to loosen the neck muscles. The exercises need to be done 3-5 times a day with three 15 second reps each. Banner HATED these exercises when Dr. B showed us. He WAILED and SCREAMED! He was bright red, poor baby! I just hated that he was so uncomfortable, and I also hate that we're going to have to do these exercises at home and practically torture our kid!

Before we started doing any of these manipulations on a routine basis, the doctor wanted Banner to have a neck X-Ray to make sure there wasn't anything else going on. He was just taking precautions to make sure we wouldn't exacerbate a pre-existing problem.

There's also a slight indention on the right side of Banner's skull. I showed the doctor what I was worried about - a small area about an inch long that dips down a little bit. Since we were already going to get a C-spine X-Ray, he added in a skull X-Ray to make sure everything was alright. Needless to say, this particular addition to the X-Ray agenda scared Sam and me a little. What could be wrong? The doctor just wasn't sure, so he wanted to take a peek inside. Talk about anxiety-provoking!! And, I was so worried about the shots?!

Speaking of shots, Banner had 5 vaccines given to him: 4 shots and 1 oral vaccine. Sam and I were EXTREMELY cautious about the vaccine issue. We have done a lot of research on immunizations, and we were reluctant to give anything to Banner at such a young age. Honestly, this is a whole other blog post for another time, but why would we inject our kid with these chemicals and viruses (some dead, some alive) when he's so little? They tell pregnant women to stay away from this and that, that and this - but then, once that baby is born, they load him up on tons of manufactured medications that have any number of side effects that we're not really sure of! So, weary of the government, the CDC, the drug companies, etc., and scared of the implications this could have for our baby, it's no wonder we did a lot of research and read up on all the literature out there. We're just trying to do the best for our little boy, but nothing really made us feel safe. Again, too much to go into in this particular post, but it almost seems like the doctors and CDC make parents feel just as guilty for not vaccinating as the Nipple Nazis do for not breastfeeding. (More to come on this topic in future posts.) But, we decided to go ahead and get a baseline indication for how Banner would do with these vaccines. We have every intention of giving him all of his immunizations, but we're just not sure on what time-table we want that to happen. We're still not entirely sure that loading up an 11-pound infant with 5 vaccines is necessary, but we did it. We can change our minds about future shots, but we wanted to go ahead and stay "on track" of the recommended vaccine schedule for now. I'm still unsure, and I just hope we made the right choice for Banner. Welcome to Parenting!

Anyway, the shots went well. I held Banner's hands as the nurses gave two shots at the same time in both of his thighs. He cried only when he got the shots, and as soon as I picked him up, he was quiet again. He did great!! I think it was definitely harder on me than it was on him!

Next, we headed over to the radiologist's office to get the X-Rays we needed. Banner was a trooper going through all of these positions that they had him get in with my help. I don't know who had it worse - Banner having to be held down or me having to be the one to do it. Sam had it bad, too, just having to watch the whole thing from the doorway. I stood next to my baby as he screamed and wrestled me for numerous images being made. Finally, it ended, though, and we could go home and relax! It was time to feed Banner, anyway, so as soon as we got in the car, he got his bottle which helped him relax.

Hours later, the doctor called with relieving results. Everything is normal! We'll have his skull rechecked at his four month check-up since they couldn't see anything wrong. I'm still wondering what the little crater is on Banner's head, but no news is good news, right? The doctor is speculating that the space is where the sutures have not calcified yet. So, we'll see what happens in the coming months. Hopefully, it will close up and not be any issue at all!

So, there you have it! Our first big check up since two weeks old! I'm so proud of my little boy. He was put through a lot, and he did a great job! Sam and I were probably more of a mess than Banner was. Worried and concerned . . . our new emotional states as parents! I have to say, my little chat with Banner before all of the medical chaos was helpful (to me, at least)! I told him before we left for the doctor that a) it would be cold in the doctor's office, and b) the shots would hurt. I told him I wouldn't lie to him, but that even though he had to go through the pain, I promised he wouldn't remember a thing. I promised him that it would hurt me more in the long run - that I would hold these memories for him for all of my life and that he wouldn't have to remember anything. I told him the same thing as he went through the X-Ray process. I whispered that I knew it wasn't fun, I knew he was hurting, but I told him that he wouldn't have to remember any of this because I would for both of us. It was just another lesson in parenting - another day on the job. . . because, I know this is part of my job as a parent - to hold the memories, to push back the tears I want to shed FOR him, to not let him see my anxiety and worry, and to cheer him on through all the pain and hurt. So the appointment was a victory on so many levels: clear check-up, parents who survived the tears, and most importantly, a brave, strong, growing Banner!