Back to Work

I knew it had to happen eventually. I would have to leave Banner for a long stretch of time in order to go back to work. I'm not really "back to work" officially yet. . . or maybe I am, but I'll be taking "maternity leave" after 9 work days at the beginning of the school year. But, today was the first day that I went back to my work role, leaving Banner with my mom for an extended period of time. As I tried to lull him to sleep before I left, tears surprised me - rolling down my face as I looked at my little angel closing his drowsy eyes before I headed out to talk business at a leadership conference to create our school's improvement plan for the year. It was so hard to leave my baby boy to talk about data, goals, and objectives for a year that won't include me staying at home with him. Immediately after leaving Banner, I called Sam on my way to my meeting, and yet again, tears streamed down my face as I scrambled to find something to absorb them. I asked him how he does it everyday - leave Banner to go to work. He said, "I don't have a choice." But, I replied that he does have a choice, and he said that he didn't. The way he looks at it is that there is no choice, and his working provides for Banner. He must work in order to give him all the things he wants him to have. "Maybe I don't look at it like that. Maybe I feel like I do have a choice," I said, as I'm constantly feeling like I could stay at home if we could make that work somehow. Yet, I know that going to work is the best choice for us right now.

Anyway, I hung up with Sam and kept driving, trying to get over my sadness. I knew Banner was in great hands - the best I know! I knew the day would go quickly once I got settled in, and I knew I only had to work 9 days total before going into official "maternity leave." So, I calmed down. . . but, then, once I sat down and said hello to my team, my principal took out the birth announcement I had sent to the school. There was my precious boy in his cute poses being showed off to my peers, and then came the tears again. I was shocked at myself for the continued teary state, but I also didn't want to hold it back and get too worked up. I reminded myself that being in the working world allowed me to provide more for Banner. Throughout the hours of the meeting, I would think of Banner - wondering what he was doing, missing him, wishing I could hold him and getting upset that I wasn't with him. I then would remind myself that being at work was for him.

Again, I only have 8 more days to get through now, but the inevitability of maternity leave ending and having to go back to work for good makes me cringe. I love my job. I love my co-workers. I love the community I work in, and I love the kids I work with. But, leaving my own baby to go be with other peoples' "babies" makes little sense to me at times. I'll have to come to terms with that later on, but for now, I just have to get through 8 more days. 8 more days for now. That's it!

It sounds so simple, but I am not the same employee that left the school building back in June. I'm a mother now - a mommy. That job, in my opinion, comes first. It's my priority, my most important job I'll ever have. So, when I'm at my paid job, it's hard to put my mommy job on hold. And, I want to still be good at what I do - at both of my jobs. I know there's been ongoing discussion about women and whether they can "have it all" by being working mothers. There's so much guilt associated with any choice a parent makes regarding working or not. I'm sure I'll have so much more to say about this topic in future posts. For now, though, all I can say is that it's difficult. . . so hard to give that last hug and kiss to your child to leave him for the day (or however long) to do something important but not nearly as important as that child you're leaving. Let's just hope I can make it through 8 more days without tears!

Two Month Check-Up!

Baby Boy is 8 weeks old now!! Banner had his two month check up with his pediatrician this week, and we are pleased to announce that he is a healthy boy! Here are his stats for now:

-Weight: 10 pounds, 15.5 ounces -- we'll just call this 11 pounds! That means Banner has gained 4 pounds, 3 ounces since birth.

-Height: 22 1/2 inches, which means he has grown 2 and a half inches since his birthday

-Head Circumference: 39 cm (This was our first head measurement, so nothing to compare to yet!)

All of these measurements are the 30th percentile. We were glad to know that everything is pretty proportional, but we were surprised that he wasn't higher on the chart for height. Everyone comments that he is so tall, but apparently - he's not! :) Simply put, if Banner were in a room with 100 other kids his age, he would be taller than only one-third of them.

Banner is still dealing with acid reflux that we're hoping subsides in a couple months or less as his digestive system matures a little more. I'm dealing with all the laundry that comes with the mess of reflux. I'm not sure who has it worse - since Banner is not in any pain with the medication, he's just a "happy spitter" as the doctor calls him! :)

His development is right on track! He's a strong boy, but he has a strong will, too. He loves to look to the right, and for weeks I've been worried about his slightly mis-shaped head, so when we talked to the doctor about it, he suggested we pay more attention to how we feed, change, play with, and position Banner so we are not encouraging the head tilting to the right. I have made a point of doing this from early on - readjusting how I feed him by switching arms, interacting with him on both sides of his head, trying to get him to turn his head to the left when he sleeps, etc., but he just prefers that right side! In fact, every suggestion that is in the pamphlet the doctor gave us - I'm already doing! Good for me, but why is it not working?? So, the doctor taught us a few exercises to do with Banner to loosen the neck muscles. The exercises need to be done 3-5 times a day with three 15 second reps each. Banner HATED these exercises when Dr. B showed us. He WAILED and SCREAMED! He was bright red, poor baby! I just hated that he was so uncomfortable, and I also hate that we're going to have to do these exercises at home and practically torture our kid!

Before we started doing any of these manipulations on a routine basis, the doctor wanted Banner to have a neck X-Ray to make sure there wasn't anything else going on. He was just taking precautions to make sure we wouldn't exacerbate a pre-existing problem.

There's also a slight indention on the right side of Banner's skull. I showed the doctor what I was worried about - a small area about an inch long that dips down a little bit. Since we were already going to get a C-spine X-Ray, he added in a skull X-Ray to make sure everything was alright. Needless to say, this particular addition to the X-Ray agenda scared Sam and me a little. What could be wrong? The doctor just wasn't sure, so he wanted to take a peek inside. Talk about anxiety-provoking!! And, I was so worried about the shots?!

Speaking of shots, Banner had 5 vaccines given to him: 4 shots and 1 oral vaccine. Sam and I were EXTREMELY cautious about the vaccine issue. We have done a lot of research on immunizations, and we were reluctant to give anything to Banner at such a young age. Honestly, this is a whole other blog post for another time, but why would we inject our kid with these chemicals and viruses (some dead, some alive) when he's so little? They tell pregnant women to stay away from this and that, that and this - but then, once that baby is born, they load him up on tons of manufactured medications that have any number of side effects that we're not really sure of! So, weary of the government, the CDC, the drug companies, etc., and scared of the implications this could have for our baby, it's no wonder we did a lot of research and read up on all the literature out there. We're just trying to do the best for our little boy, but nothing really made us feel safe. Again, too much to go into in this particular post, but it almost seems like the doctors and CDC make parents feel just as guilty for not vaccinating as the Nipple Nazis do for not breastfeeding. (More to come on this topic in future posts.) But, we decided to go ahead and get a baseline indication for how Banner would do with these vaccines. We have every intention of giving him all of his immunizations, but we're just not sure on what time-table we want that to happen. We're still not entirely sure that loading up an 11-pound infant with 5 vaccines is necessary, but we did it. We can change our minds about future shots, but we wanted to go ahead and stay "on track" of the recommended vaccine schedule for now. I'm still unsure, and I just hope we made the right choice for Banner. Welcome to Parenting!

Anyway, the shots went well. I held Banner's hands as the nurses gave two shots at the same time in both of his thighs. He cried only when he got the shots, and as soon as I picked him up, he was quiet again. He did great!! I think it was definitely harder on me than it was on him!

Next, we headed over to the radiologist's office to get the X-Rays we needed. Banner was a trooper going through all of these positions that they had him get in with my help. I don't know who had it worse - Banner having to be held down or me having to be the one to do it. Sam had it bad, too, just having to watch the whole thing from the doorway. I stood next to my baby as he screamed and wrestled me for numerous images being made. Finally, it ended, though, and we could go home and relax! It was time to feed Banner, anyway, so as soon as we got in the car, he got his bottle which helped him relax.

Hours later, the doctor called with relieving results. Everything is normal! We'll have his skull rechecked at his four month check-up since they couldn't see anything wrong. I'm still wondering what the little crater is on Banner's head, but no news is good news, right? The doctor is speculating that the space is where the sutures have not calcified yet. So, we'll see what happens in the coming months. Hopefully, it will close up and not be any issue at all!

So, there you have it! Our first big check up since two weeks old! I'm so proud of my little boy. He was put through a lot, and he did a great job! Sam and I were probably more of a mess than Banner was. Worried and concerned . . . our new emotional states as parents! I have to say, my little chat with Banner before all of the medical chaos was helpful (to me, at least)! I told him before we left for the doctor that a) it would be cold in the doctor's office, and b) the shots would hurt. I told him I wouldn't lie to him, but that even though he had to go through the pain, I promised he wouldn't remember a thing. I promised him that it would hurt me more in the long run - that I would hold these memories for him for all of my life and that he wouldn't have to remember anything. I told him the same thing as he went through the X-Ray process. I whispered that I knew it wasn't fun, I knew he was hurting, but I told him that he wouldn't have to remember any of this because I would for both of us. It was just another lesson in parenting - another day on the job. . . because, I know this is part of my job as a parent - to hold the memories, to push back the tears I want to shed FOR him, to not let him see my anxiety and worry, and to cheer him on through all the pain and hurt. So the appointment was a victory on so many levels: clear check-up, parents who survived the tears, and most importantly, a brave, strong, growing Banner!

Getting Out of the House

No, this post is not about cabin fever. It's not about having the courage to face the world with a newborn or with a sleep-deprived appearance. It's merely about the difficulty of just trying to leave the house when you have a baby. Anyone agree? I mean, if I'm going to go somewhere at all, it better be for a darn good reason just because it takes so much time and planning to even get out the door. Here's why:

-Packing a diaper bag takes a lot of thought. Here's my typical thought-process when trying to leave the house: I have to know exactly how long I'll be gone so that I know how many diapers to bring and how much formula to bring (and the special formula that Banner is on right now is currently only sold in the ready-made version, so it has to stay cold once in the bottle). How will I keep that formula cold, especially if I'll be gone for more than one feeding? Will we be back in time for Banner to take his reflux medicine, or should I take it with us? Do I have a blanket? Enough burp rags for my reflux-y baby? Do I have a change (or two) of clothes for him when he spits up or poops all over? Do I have a change of clothes for when he pukes on me? Do I have enough wipes, and are they wet enough still - or did they dry up in my travel case? Do I have at least one toy that I can use to entertain him? Where's his pacifier? What else am I forgetting? Now, where's the infant seat? Okay, ready to go! Oh, wait, I forgot a bib (or two!). Oh, and the camera, because I don't want to miss any great memories. Oh, and my purse (or wallet and phone if I can make do with just those two things on me)! Wait, did Sam put the stroller back in the car after our walk last night?

-Trying to get myself ready also requires a lot of planning. If I can manage to jump in the shower for a quick cleansing, I need to do that when Baby's content, well-fed, or sleeping. When that might actually happen while he's this young and without a predictable schedule - who knows? Suppose I get the pleasure of rinsing my body, the next step is to get dressed quickly. Trying to figure out what actually fits my postpartum body in a somewhat comfortable way is tricky. I better have made that decision the night before, or I'll never get dressed before he wakes up/cries/needs a diaper change/etc. Next, apply make-up. Almost every time I've tried to wear make-up before leaving the house, Banner has disturbed the process. And, you should know, I don't wear a lot of make-up - it's a fairly quick process compared to most people. I don't do the eye shadow or the lipstick. I skip the blush most of the time, so all we're talking about is some base, a little powder, eyeliner, and mascara. I typically get one eye mascara-ed and then have to go tend to Banner. I'm sure I'll leave the house one day without remembering to finish the other eye. Finally, I gotta do something with this hair of mine. I know I could wear it curly, and that would be much easier - but I like it straight - so I have to re-straighten it before I leave the house or it's all over the place trying to undo the straightness and go curly on me. (Oh, and that reminds me - I better make sure to take a hair clip so when I feed Banner and he spits up on me, it won't be in my hair!) Finding the brief opportunities to get all of these things done can make me crazy! I'll run to my bathroom to do one part of this process and then have to run to put the paci back in his mouth, go feed him, calm him down, entertain him, clean up his spit-up, change his diaper, or any other child-care task you can think of! I'm SO worried about going to back to work - I will be a complete mess!

-Getting the baby ready to leave the house also requires thought and planning. Let's just assume that he's not sleeping when we need to leave (which begs the obvious question - is the outing we're going on worth me having to wake him?). What should he wear? Does that still fit him? Is he done pooping yet, or should I wait another minute? Will he be too hot in this? Well, crap, nevermind, he just spit up on this outfit, so I gotta pick another outfit anyway!

-And, most minor at this point, are the thoughts of maintaining my home while gone. Did I set the alarm? Are the lights turned off? Did I put the garage door down? Is the TV off? Did I lock the front door?

So many things to think about just to get in the car and go somewhere! I'm hoping it will get easier as Banner gets on a more somewhat-predictable schedule, as I learn to do things much more quickly than I'm accustomed to (or at least start getting used to the idea of looking more and more like crap when I am in public), and as his reflux gets slightly better (so I don't have to pack special formula or pack a gazillion burp rags, bibs, and extra clothes). I'm proud of myself for getting out of the house as much as I did in the early days and as much as I still try to do. Whether it's been for a doctor's appointment, a play date with another new baby/mom, to run some quick errands, or to visit friends and family, we've been busy out of the house! As much effort as it takes to leave the house, it's important (in my opinion) to maintain a life outside of my home and to try to look like I belong to the human race. Every evening I try to "reset" and get prepared for the following outing, but inevitably, I still have to go through this thought-process on a daily basis. I tell you what. . . it may be more tiring than the midnight feedings!

A Moment He'll Never Remember, A Meeting I'll Never Forget

My Social Smiler!!

Between four and five weeks old, Banner flashed his first social smile. Sam and I could see it coming - knowing that he just looked like he wanted to smile! His eyes had a different light to them when we'd kiss on him. One day, it happened - and I missed it! His first social smile was for his daddy. Sam told me about it, though: Sam was kissing Banner's cheeks, one after the other, making a high-pitched humming tune while he did this. The next day, I tried something similar and, lo and behold, I got my first smile from my son! It was beautiful, and since then, we've seen more and more of this happy face as he's gotten the hang of how to show us he's a pleased boy! His smiles come most easily when talking to him, singing to him, or kissing him over and over again while saying, "Mwah!" or "Gotcha!" His best time for smiling is early morning when we sing our morning songs and when he's on the changing table. While he still smiles involuntarily in his sleep, we know the smiles below are real as Banner's eyes light up and his dimples deepen. I'm sure a laugh is headed our way SO soon; just like I knew the smile was coming, there have been numerous times when I know Banner wants so badly to laugh or squeal in delight. I can't wait! In the meantime, I'll take these adorable smiles all I can!

Learning to Love Three AM

I am a good sleeper - always have been. I have a pretty easy time falling asleep and staying asleep. I'm pretty good at sleeping in, too - in fact, I know my friends would tell you that - I've been notorious for being a late sleeper since early high school. I just love cuddling up so snug under covers with soft pillows to hug on to while my body relaxes and my mind snoozes. I would also say my worst part of every work day is the mere waking up early. I know I'm not alone in loving my sleep; it was THE thing all parents we knew told us to savor and get as much of as we could before Banner was born.

Oh, dear, sacred Sleep - how I miss you! I've actually had to mourn my good sleep. I knew going into this whole "kid thing" that not only would I not get nearly as much sleep as I was used to getting all of my life, but also the quality of my sleep would be greatly impacted as I would hear every minor noise my baby made. My friends with kids all told me these things, and I knew from even helping with my niece and nephew when they were born that the first months of parenting a newborn would be nightmarish when it came to getting any sleep. In addition, there's that old saying to "sleep when the baby sleeps," which is just insane. Any new mom or dad who has tried that knows it's just not possible. You could MAYBE get away with taking one nap while Baby naps, but more than that and you either have another adult to help you or you just don't get anything else done around the house. I'm fine with not getting anything done around the house, but it's kind of embarrassing that my house is a complete disaster during this period of time when my growing family has suddenly become so popular - with guests coming over any hour of the day. (Not complaining - love the company - but can't stand having to try to keep up with my messy daycare-of-a-house!) I should also mention that I can't even begin to shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair, get out of my pajamas, or put on make-up UNLESS my baby is sleeping - so if I nap when he's napping, just forget even trying to look somewhat decent. If I nap when he's napping, I wouldn't get bills paid, dishes washed, clothes laundered, body cleaned, dinner made, bladder emptied, belly fed, or blog written! :) I wouldn't have any time for myself at all - to catch up with friends and family, to find out what's going on in the world outside my house, to read my parenting books/emails, or to even make bottles for the day!
My dad asked me a couple weeks ago if I was bored while I was being a "stay-at-home-mom" this summer. Ha! He obviously has never done this (well, duh!, but you get my point!). How could I be bored with all these things I have to try to accomplish when Banner is merely sleeping! When he's awake, there's plenty to do - feed, change, play, cuddle, soothe, etc. So, bored? No, absolutely not! Tired and exhausted? Yes!

So, like I was saying, I'm mourning my good sleep. I know it will get better, but never will I have the kind of sleep on a regular basis that I'm so accustomed to having. Maybe on a vacation, maybe as a special treat when Sam takes over, maybe in 18+ years... but, I have to say "Sianara" to such delicious sleep! In fact, a couple weeks after we brought Banner home from the hospital, I had a rather obvious epiphany that killed my sleep hopes. I used to think to myself on a very busy work week, "You can sleep in this weekend; just wait til this weekend, and you can relax and sleep!" That devastating thought after feeling so overwhelmingly sleep-deprived was, "There is no 'this weekend.'" Just like there is no summer, spring, or winter break - there is no long weekend or holiday where I'll get to look forward to sleeping in. Even once I get to sleep longer hours when Banner starts to sleep through the night (soon, please?!), I'm still at his beck and call about what time I will have to wake up. He's my new alarm clock, telling me when I need to be up-and-at-'em!

Given this new norm I have to get used to, I'm trying to stop mourning the lack of sleep and embrace my new lifestyle. These are the days of child-rearing and spending the best kind of quality time with my baby while he's still a baby. SO, I'm learning to love my midnight time with my boy. Instead of cringing when I hear him stir and start to cry to be fed at night, I am starting to look forward to holding him, rocking him, soothing him, and looking into each others' eyes. I have a new take on it (for survival's sake??): my baby will only be this little each day. Each day I'm with him is the youngest I'll know him at that time - it's the littlest he'll be and each day is the first day of the rest of his life. As he gets older, he'll stop letting me hold him so long. One day, he'll tell me not to kiss him goodbye in front of his friends. One day, he'll be at school all day long. One day, he'll go away to sleep-away camp, and I'll miss those late-night feedings. One day, he'll be out all night with his friends and get home later than I can stay up. One day, he'll drive away to college, and I'll miss my baby. One day, I'll want to hold him tight and cuddle him, and he won't want me to because he's too big. So, while he can't talk back or push me away - I'm embracing how much he wants me to hold him, how much he wants my attention, how much I'm needed in his life, and how much he'll let me cuddle him. I have to get over my lack of sleep and look forward to those little moments of just the two of us alone in his room, rocking in the glider, staring at each other, holding hands, and drowsily loving each other as we continue to learn and get to know each other. I'm learning to love 3 AM and waking up for the day to sing my happy morning songs to my little man. I'm actually starting to get excited at 6 or 7 AM to see the biggest smiles; he truly brightens my day - and for now, my nights!

Date Night!

All hail the mighty date night!! Sam and I finally got some time to relax and unwind just the two of us this past Friday night, and it was awesome! We celebrated Banner's six week birthday on Thursday, and the next day, my mom offered to stay with Banner so Sam and I could go on a date. How nice! I called Sam at work during the day on Friday to ask if he was up for that. We both got very excited (giddy, in fact!) at this idea, and the planning began! I was so excited to get (somewhat) dressed up and to have some alone time with Sam. We opted for dinner followed by a movie - very low-key, but much appreciated!

So many parents struggle leaving their kids for even a short amount of time. I, personally, had no problem with it! I knew Banner was in safe, capable hands, so I was really able to enjoy myself. Of course, I checked in between dinner and the movie, and before we left the house, we gave plenty of instructions to my mom, but I felt very excited to enjoy a night out with just Samber once again. Dinner was delicious, and the movie was hilarious. We completely understood why everyone says to make a point of having a date night so early on. Both completely exhausted and sleep-deprived, we could have opted to just sleep while Mom watched Banner. But, I'm so glad we took time for each other.

I read somewhere recently that couples with children need to put their marriages before their children. Of course, that is ridiculously hard to do when you have an infant (a newborn, especially), but Sam and I realize that in putting our marriage first, we inevitably put our child's needs first. See, if we have a stable marriage, then Banner will be better off, right? So, while it's beyond difficult to do, we're going to continue to keep each other as top priority. I still think it sounds a bit absurd to put another adult before a child, but I've given this a lot of thought. Sam and I need to make sure we continue to communicate as well as we always have - and even more so now that there's another human who depends on us. We need to keep our relationship alive and thriving - because our child(ren) will only live with us for 18 years or so, and then Sam and I will be just us again. It's important that we nurture our relationship now so there WILL be a later. Plus, it's always great to spend some quality time with my best friend, my "eternal boyfriend," and the love of my life without spit up running down my shirt!

Thank you, Mom! We had an amazing night!

The Truth & The Nipple Nazis

I've given a lot of thought about the purpose I had in mind when I started my blog. I was on the verge of getting married - I was planning a wedding and quite disturbed about the amount of chaotic stress from the mere planning of a joyous event. Since starting this blog, I have had numerous friends and acquaintances tell me how much they appreciate(d) my honest perspectives on wedding planning and marriage in general. So, I kept it going, and now that I have a child in my family, there's so much to write about, so much to be completely honest about. However, some of these topics are so very personal and quite controversial that I'm bound to upset someone (including myself) for being so honest, forthcoming, and daring. After talking with some close coworkers of mine who came to visit Banner one day, I decided I'm not being true to myself if I don't come out with the honest perspectives of parenting, mothering, nurturing my marriage, and taking care of myself. Therefore, I'm not going to stop with my ranting, raving, venting, pondering, questioning, discussing, and complaining. Again, I wouldn't be true to my original purpose if I only shared the (many!) positive aspects of my experiences with my marriage and family, so I'll be honest and say what so many women feel/think/experience whether it's good, bad, or ugly!

With that, I'll "share out" (Sam makes fun of us teachers who use this phrase) about my experiences with nursing and the "Nipple Nazis."

I knew when I had children that I'd want to breastfeed. I never understood why women would not even try to give this natural act a shot when it so clearly is best for babies and great for bonding. It's financially beneficial, as well. There are so many advantages to nursing - from less dishes to clean after a feeding to being able to have your milk wherever you go. I loved knowing that I would continue to be "tied" to my baby for a longer period of time after pregnancy ended. Feeling this way, I looked into classes at my hospital on breastfeeding. Sam agreed that this was the best for our baby, and he gladly attended the class with me. We learned a lot, but we knew that 75% of breastfeeding knowledge wouldn't really come until we had a baby at the breast trying to get food from me. The class did teach us, however, about the many benefits of breastfeeding, proper latching, helpful holds, and tools for more comfortable nursing sessions. We left the class feeling empowered with knowledge to get Banner started on the right track and knowing that breast milk would be the best for our baby. We couldn't wait for that first skin-to-skin bonding that would lead to successful breastfeeding like we were told about in class and in books we had read.

And, that's where our positive story ends.

Moments after having Banner's naked body against my bare chest, the nursery nurse tried to help me get Banner to nurse. Still shaking from after surgery and more tired than I think I've ever felt in my life (yes, even more than I am right now), I was in a daze and felt overwhelmed that my little boy was here already! I still remember feeling like it was a dream, so I kind of think I wasn't emotionally ready to get him to latch on to my breast at that point. I wish the nurse had let me wait even 10 more minutes. Because, lo and behold, my "first time at the breast" fantasy was completely destroyed when Banner wouldn't have any of this boob nonsense. We had been told that the baby would naturally find my breast and start suckling. This did not happen, and looking back, I feel like Banner and I were forced into a process that should have been more organic. Sam and I have reflected on this one moment over and over again. We don't think this one experience could make or break nursing success, but we feel it definitely could have gone more smoothly and might have changed my own outlook. From that moment, I know I started to get more tense about the entire idea of nursing, knowing that maybe it wouldn't be as easy as I thought (even though I knew it wouldn't be easy and there would be times I'd be frustrated).

In the hours that followed, we continued to try to get Banner to nurse. He just wouldn't latch on. We tried and tried, and we had nurses to help us, but my baby just wasn't figuring it out. I felt like it was my fault that I couldn't get him to latch properly, that there must be something I was doing wrong - maybe I wasn't holding him the right way, maybe I was too tense, maybe there was something wrong with my anatomy, maybe this or that... the list went on and on. Without any success, we asked to speak with a lactation consultant. Early the next morning after Banner was born, we met with a woman who seemed to be patient and calm while she explained more about breastfeeding and taught us things we already really knew. She then examined Banner's mouth and sucking reflexes; she found that he had a very high palate and a very strong suck. Next, she examined my breasts and noticed that my nipples were not exactly a good match for Banner's high palate. This was the first time I've ever been made to feel that there is something wrong with my breasts; they were inadequate for feeding my child. The main purpose of my breasts is to provide food for my baby, and they were not easily going to meet that need! So, we tried gadgets and tricks to get Banner to latch on - nipple shields, nipple shells, supplemental nursing systems (SNS), even finger sucking so that Banner could learn to adjust his mouth properly.

We discussed how we would supplement with formula until my milk was in higher supply, what would happen if Banner wouldn't latch with more practice, and how to start pumping. The next day, the same consultant came back with a student of hers. She wanted to see if we'd made any more improvements, so what followed was a lot of me trying to show her what I've tried, more coaching, getting Sam more involved in the process, and finally - a complete and full-blown meltdown on my part. My baby would scream in frustration every time I tried to get him to latch. I was so overwhelmed with frustration of my own from these women trying to help without success, from them pushing my baby's head into my chest again and again, from them directing and instructing while my baby cried incessantly. I was feeling like a total failure - my nipples were inadequate, my breasts were hurting, my baby was so unhappy, and my dream was fizzling quickly. Tears just streamed down my face as I was completely exhausted, beyond emotional, and still in lots of pain from my surgery. We were having to give Banner formula to feed him, and this was NOT a part of my plan!! I continued to pump without seeing anything come out! It was during this sobbing meltdown that my lactation consultant tried to make me feel better by telling me that I was doing everything right; it was Banner who needed to learn to work harder. Wait, what?? Banner needs to learn to work harder? He's just over 24 hours old at this point, and she's saying HE has the problem? I didn't buy it. Never, though, did she say, "Amber, this is just not going to work for you and Banner. You aren't going to be able to nurse. Some women just can't do it, but I'm proud of you for trying." I really wish those lactation consultants would mention that - just be honest and say this may not work for some people. Soon after I calmed down, the ladies quickly left my room. I felt badly for the student who had to witness my meltdown, but, then again, welcome to lactation!

I refused to give up, but with sores on my nipples, we decided to take some time off from trying to latch so my breasts could heal. In the meantime, we were finger feeding Banner and I was pumping. Three more lactation consultants would meet with us in the coming days. Every nursery nurse and each of my nurses would try to help me with feeding Banner as well. The best story was when one nursery nurse came to check in one morning. (I should also mention that every time we had a visit from any nurse or doctor, they asked if nursing was going any better. I was SO tired of this question as the answer was always NO! My own OB even let me stay in the hospital one more day, partially in the hopes that I could get continued help with breastfeeding. I felt like I was the failure on the postpartum floor that everyone knew about!) Well, this one particular nurse offered to help, and my response to her was literally this: "I'm going to tell you what I just told my husband. I am really sick and tired of everyone trying to help me without any success. The problem is that the baby has a strong suck, a high palate, and he won't latch. My nipples are inadequate, and I don't have any milk yet. I have worked with every nurse and 3 lactation consultants, and everyone comes to the same conclusion - that this is not working. So, I am very frustrated, but I'm willing to hear what suggestions you have." The woman was quiet and patient as she said, "I understand. Let's just see what's going on here." I knew what would happen - the same thing that happened with every other nurse/consultant. I would have to prove to her that things were not going well no matter what I tried. Sure enough, that's what happened, as she got to see for herself that Banner and I were not a good feeding match. As tears streamed down my face yet again and Sam tried to console me, the nurse said the first comforting thing we had heard, "You know what? This isn't working. You're a patient, too, and this isn't fair to you." I felt so human again just hearing those words. Sam really appreciated these words, too. In fact, the next day, we all (nurse included) teared up as Sam thanked her for what she had said earlier, as he told her that she was the first person to recognize that I was also a patient.

This nurse was significantly different from another nursery nurse we had on our last night in the hospital. Oh, she was obnoxious! At 2:00am, as I started to pump and Sam began to finger feed Banner, she asked if I had tried a nipple shield. I told we had tried a few times and that it had not worked. She insisted that I should try a shield. I told her I had (yes, again). She said something like, "You really should try that, it could really help him latch on," to which I replied in a short, overly tired tone, "FINE! I will try that again for the fifth time and see if it works again!" ... She quickly left the room. :)

Even my daytime nurse was extremely insensitive and unwilling to hear what I was saying. She would ask me each day if breastfeeding was going better, and I'd tell her no. She would say, "You should just give him the colostrum that you're pumping." No shit, Sherlock! If I had anything coming out, I'd give it to him! And, if that would solve the problem, we'd all be much happier, but it just wasn't happening! One morning, she even said, "You are not as weepy today!" Screw you, lady - you work on the postpartum floor! Thanks for making me feel like I'm the only new mother who can't stop crying! What's that they say about hormones after childbirth (especially a childbirth that didn't go your way)? Oh, yeah, that it makes you moody and you can get the "baby blues." Had she not heard of this phenomenon? Yes, I was so happy to meet my baby and I was beyond grateful that he was healthy and strong, but the whole breastfeeding thing was truly upsetting. I told my family and friends in looking back over the whole thing that my feelings were completely justifiable, and I knew exactly why I was upset each time I cried; however, under other circumstances where my hormones weren't completely out of whack, I just wouldn't have cried about these things. The tears seemed uncontrollable due to my frustration and that of my baby's.

I know this is a really long post, so if you're still reading, I'll try to wrap it up. The next few days at home brought more frustration - we visited the pediatrician who wrote a prescription to go see the lactation consultant again. We went back to the hospital, seemed to have some success that day, but once at home, no such luck. I continued pumping, and by now Banner was getting a bottle of formula after any colostrum (and later, mature milk) that I could pump out. There were a couple days where my mom and/or Sam would help scrape off any colostrum that would drip out with a liquid medicine cup. There were times I'd try to get Banner to latch and again re-frustrate both of us with the failed attempt. We tried the Boppy, My Brest Friend, every nursing hold there is, and every tool for helping moms breastfeed. You name it, we tried it - including the herb, Fenugreek, to try to increase my milk supply. I finally was able to pump about 2 ounces out of one breast (lo and behold, my "more inadequate" breast!) that we could give Banner at almost every feeding. Until one day, I developed blisters on that breast - the one I got the most milk from. Due to pain, I had to stop pumping, and the other side just wasn't getting more than a few milliliters.

It was that day, two weeks after Banner was born, that I made the most difficult decision to stop pumping. Latching wasn't working, he was already getting a lot of formula, and I was in a lot of pain. I cried and cried over this decision, feeling defeated and upset! I felt like I had this magical substance that I could give to my baby that I was withholding from him while giving him formula, which we are made to think is some kind of poison. My mother, a breast cancer survivor who had undergone a double mastectomy, embraced me as I cried - telling her that I never take my breasts for granted, and the one thing they were meant to do - they just aren't doing! I felt guilty and sad about my decision, but in the end, Banner and I needed to be happy, and our family is doing better without the frustrations over and over again.

Days later, I went to my OB for a post-op check-up. They asked if I was bottle or breastfeeding, and when I said bottle, I felt guilty. The nurse told me that 95% of their patients do NOT breastfeed. When the doctor came in, he echoed this statistic, and he told me that if it's not going well, why bother? Why put myself through this frustration? He said he's seen marriages dissolve over this issue. When I mentioned how the lactation consultants seem to make you feel so guilty for not nursing, he said that he calls them the Nipple Nazis, and no one should make you feel guilty for such a personal decision.

In looking back over everything, I just wish Sam and I were more aware of all the problems that could happen. There should have been a troubleshooting index in the book we got from our breastfeeding class. Lots of things SHOULD have happened, but it didn't. I also wish there wasn't so much guilt associated with not breastfeeding. I've decided I'll try again when I have another child, but I'll be better equipped to deal with the realities of how hard it is. I'm still dealing with the guilt. Every time I pass the nursing items at the baby stores, I get a little disappointed again. But, I'm also trying to look at the bright side: my baby has another option (formula), and my boobs don't need to be where he is all the time. I don't have to worry about special nursing clothes or hiding when I feed my baby in public. And, in leaving you with these positive thoughts, I'm sure the Nipple Nazis are already on their way to get me!

What I Know about BBJ So Far (Part 2)

Months before he was born, I posted what I knew about Banner. So many of those things I knew at that point are still true to this day, from him calming to the sound of my voice to loving music. But, I thought I'd write another list of what I know about my three week old baby at this point in his life:

• Banner loves water. He loves the sound of it, loves feeling it against his skin, and loves to try to lick it when it touches his lips. He especially loves the feeling of it on his head, as he calms quickly when I shampoo his hair.


• He knows well about "the witching hour," when many babies are cranky and fussy. He joins right in with the rest of those babies, wreaking havoc in my house from about 4:00-7:00pm or so. Some days, we're blessed with only those hours of frustration; other days, Daddy comes home to a long night of fussiness. We're hoping these fussy evenings are going to quickly be a thing of the past, but from what I've read and heard, this may not pass as quickly as we'd like.


• Banner loves to eat! He's a fast, mighty sucker, and he loves to chow down on his milk! He often gobbles it up faster than we'd like, so we have to stop him frequently during feedings to get him to take more time. This scarfing of food often has great consequences for us and everything around us - clothing, furniture, and Banner of course. He spits up a little too much in my opinion. I'm not convinced he doesn't have reflux, but helping him to calm his eating will definitely be helpful for this problem.


• He loves his mommy! He quiets more easily on my chest (which we've begun calling "baby crack" after my step-brother coined that term), and he seems to love my voice. During those witching hours when I can't quiet him any other way while waiting for Sam to relieve me just for a bit, I turn on World News, bounce on a yoga/exercise ball, and read the closed captioning so he can just hear my voice go on and on. (I also get a chance to know what's happening in the world outside my little home.)


• Banner will quiet when being read to - whether it's Sam reading Banner the Constitution most days, or whether it's Sam and I reading aloud one of our parenting books to each other. Baby Boy will try his best to listen in and conk out eventually. Sometimes Sam and I have to raise our voices over the crying to hear the parenting advice on how to stop the crying, so this must be Banner's way of telling us to keep reading. The Constitution, well, I share Banner's sentiments when he just falls asleep!


• He's extremely strong. No, I'm not just a proud mama boasting about how advanced my newborn is. He really is a very powerful boy as most who have held him will tell you. He has great head control and loves tummy time (usually). He can turn his head well, kicks his legs vigorously, and will often turn to his side during tummy time. When we went to get his newborn screening, the nurse taking his blood was impressed with his ability to practically roll over. Yes, we know this is all involuntary now, but I'm hoping he keeps up this strength so that he'll roll over on purpose more quickly because...


• Banner loves being on his tummy! Like my nephew, Caden, Banner will probably sleep much better once he can sleep on his belly. He likes a little bit of pressure on his tummy and would prefer to sleep on his side. Although we follow the rules and put him on his back, he will often turn himself to his side.


• He's probably going to be a cuddler, which I can't complain about. Again, much like Caden, Banner sleeps best when being held. Once we put him down, his quality and quantity of sleep greatly decreases. That's why I've taken to liking the Baby Bjorn so I can let him sleep while I carry him without hands in order to get ANYTHING done around the house (dishes, laundry, eating... you name it, even using the restroom!). While I LOVE holding my baby, it gets difficult to do much of anything else if my hands are constantly monopolized for his use only. I can't wait to really snuggle with him one day, though, when he can hug back!


• My little nugget still loves his hands near his face! He hates being swaddled because of this. The only way to swaddle him is with his hands out so they can touch his face. True to the sonogram photos we saw each time, Banner sleeps well with hands able to be free to reach his head. Any swaddle we've put him in - with a regular blanket, a SwaddleMe, a SleepSack Swaddle, and even the SwaddlePod - he will wiggle his hands out of in order to touch his face. I noticed this in the hospital, and I thought once we got home to our special swaddling blankets that he'd love being swaddled. Well, no, that's not the case. And, I worried about this at first, but once I looked back to the first family photo (the one taken in the operating room, which can be seen in my previous post), I saw that even then he had wiggled his hands up to his face moments after the nurses cleaned him up and swaddled him right away. Another problem with this is that he scratches his face up all the time. We have to keep mittens on him so he doesn't keep knicking his soft skin on his face, and no matter how short we keep his nails, he finds a way to dig in. It's not the length of his nails really, it's the way he claws with nail beds completely against his face. I'm working on getting him to relax his elbows a little more, in the hopes that he'll release his hands to go elsewhere, but right now, that "ain't happenin!"


• He loves motion like other babies his age. He quiets quickly in the car and loves to be rocked.


• I think he will love his older cousins. Caden, Mara, and Miles are great with him, and he likes to listen to their sweet voices. I know his smiles are not social at this point, but forgive me if I think there may be a little more to them than gas when his cousins talk to them as Banner shows a dimple when he hears their voices. So, either they make him pass gas or they have a super ability to get him to smile early on - I'd like to think it's the latter.


• As I noted in my earlier post about what I knew about him months ago, and like most babies, his most active times (seem) to be when I'm wanting to get something done - like type this post! I once said this made him quite the entertainer when I was in a meeting or conference, as I could feel him active in my belly. Yet, now, it's quite annoying, as the moment I want to relax or unwind by watching a small second of TV, by checking my email, by trying to fill out his baby book, by trying to return a friend's phone call, by having a little snack, by even contemplating taking a shower, by blogging, etc... Banner is up and active in full force wanting my attention. And, the complaints I've heard from so many other parents have come true for me too - the moment Sam and I get in bed, Banner whimpers for something. It's like he has this radar that tells him, "Mommy and Daddy want to relax; time for me to need some attention!" He could have been fast asleep for quite a while, and the second Sam and I try to enjoy a bite of dinner together, we hear Banner stirring. And, then, one of us ends up holding him, trying not to spill our dinner on Banner's head and boucing incessantly throughout the meal. "This too shall pass," we tell each other, and we hope one day we can enjoy a meal with Banner, without bouncing up and down!
  


• Lastly, he continues to reassure me just when I need it most. Just when I worry at night that he's not breathing, I'll hear him move or breathe loudly. Just when I worry he's constipated, he'll poop. Just when I ask him for a little burp, up comes that bubble. I worried his cry was weak at birth, and he's proven me wrong over and over again on a very regular (hourly?) basis. This doesn't mean I'm not constantly worried about him or worried about every little thing still, but so far he tries his best to console me.

Lots of pretty typical things for an almost one-month old baby, but I like to keep track of what's going on for Banner. My impressions of him at this point are that he's an inquisitive, deep thinker. He seems to be curious and quiet (minus the crying!) when he's most alert. I feel like I know him pretty well at this point, but I know there is so much more growing to be done, so much more to get to know about each other - and I can't wait!

Labor Day

This is a blog post that I've been putting off for a few weeks now. Mostly, it's because I'm not exactly sure where to begin, partially because it's just such a personal journey that it's hard to put into words, and a little bit because, well, there's so little time now that Banner is here, and I have no time to myself anymore. As I type, he's threatening to wake up from a nap for the second time. So, I'll get started and try to keep it as brief as possible - probably with multiple attempts at writing this post and having to return to it numerous times!

On June 6th, I had a routine appointment with my OB. I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant and had been seeing my doctor twice a week for several weeks after pregnancy-induced hypertension plagued my last few weeks of being pregnant. Some days my blood pressure was perfectly fine, and others it would spike to the highest end of normal. Even though it was in the "normal" range, it was high enough for my doctor to be concerned. He had continued to threaten hospitalizing me, but I continued to make deals with him - hoping to make it through the end of the school year and to several family events through the beginning of June. After weeks of "taking it easy," not only did I stay pregnant through the last day of the school year, but I got to attend our school's Awards Night, where I watched Caden and Mara receive awards and where I was surprised to be awarded Lifetime Membership by our school's PTA, I got to watch Mara graduate Kindergarten, and I got to attend my little sister's high school graduation. BBJ definitely cooperated by not coming early! Yet, by the 6th, my doctor was not as flexible with me. He wanted to induce that night, but I wanted Banner to have a few more quiet days inside my warm womb, so I made yet another deal. He said he'd hold off inducing as long as I could be monitored in the hospital. So, that afternoon, I went home to finish last minute packing, try to tidy up the house a little more, and come to terms with the fact that this would be the last time in my house without having met my son.

After Sam got home from work, we gathered up all my things and headed out for our last date night as a family of 2. After that, we headed to the hospital to be admitted. The plan was to just monitor me while on bed rest until my due date, June 9th. I would be induced that morning if BBJ didn't come before then. Cooperative as always (but at this point hoping he'd make his way on his own), Banner was staying inside, and the doctor was ready to have him out in the world. I just felt badly that I'd been hoping he could make it to his due date or later, and here we were wanting him to make an appearance earlier now. Baby was probably thinking, "Make up your mind, people!" Anyway, the hospital stay was fine up til that point - just very little sleeping since the nurses had to keep coming in to check my pressure, and who can sleep on a hospital bed anyway?

On the night of June 8th, I was moved to the Labor & Delivery wing. We had already been in two different rooms before this - one in antepartum and one in the high risk unit (although I didn't consider myself high risk). So, we were accustomed to moving at this point. Late that night, my doctor came in to insert a medicine to "ripen the cervix." Since this could have started contractions, Sam stayed the night with me that night. After my third sleepless night in the hospital, June 9th finally arrived, and still no baby. My blood pressure had been fine while in the hospital, but my doctor still thought it was too high to continue the pregnancy. So, we moved forward with inducing labor with Pitocin. Hard labor began a couple hours after, and going from nothing to hard labor that fast is NOT fun. After a few hours of more labor, the nurse and doctor were concerned that Baby's heart rate was dropping after contractions. They were worried that there was a problem with the placenta or the cord, so they gave a few more contractions to decide what to do. With no change, the doctor mentioned a C-section. Knowing I was opposed to this, he was willing to give a few more contractions to see if anything changed, but at this point, I responded, "Just do it," knowing Baby's health was at risk. The other challenge we were facing was that Banner was turned to the side, and he needed to turn forward or backward in order to avoid a C-section. Knowing both of these complications (facing wrong way and heart rate dropping), I knew a C-section was in the future anyway.

Within minutes, I was in the operating room. I was being prepped for surgery while Sam was putting on his scrubs. I'll avoid going in to detail about how emotional this was for me; I'll just say that I felt like I was on a chopping block as my doctor took the baby out of me when I wanted to deliver him into this world on my own. The surgery itself wasn't bad, just a lot of tugging and pressure. And, before we knew it, at 4:04pm, Banner Boone was being held up for us to see for the first time. He was a wrinkly, grayish looking creature with a weak cry at first. I remember squeezing Sam's hand as I waited to hear a more forceful cry, a cry we hear now very often!
As I forced my eyes to stay open and tried to ignore the deep pain running down my neck, I watched as the medical team cleaned Banner and got him to cry more fiercely. Soon, he was swaddled nice and tight for us to hold for the first time. It was very surreal, and it all happened so fast.
Moments later, Banner was leaving the operating room with Sam as the doctors finished operating on me. These agonizing moments dragged on and on, as I wanted to be with my son and my husband. I was also shaking vigorously at this point - a typical side-effect from surgery but one I didn't expect to be so painful to try to stop. I continued shaking for about an hour, but at least I was able to hold Banner back in the L&D room after surgery. When the doctor came to speak to us after a short time of peace and quiet with our baby, he explained that the baby's head was pressing up against the umbilical cord, and a C-section would have been inevitable as each contraction put Banner in distress.

In about an hour, we were taken to our postpartum room where we invited our siblings and parents to meet the baby for the first time. I let Sam do the honors introducing Banner to his extended family as they got to hear his name for the first time.

We spent four nights in the hospital after surgery. On very little sleep, we got to start bonding with Banner and trying to analyze who he looks like. Here we are 3 weeks later, and we're still doing these things! The past three weeks have been one LONG day for me, really. I can't believe it's been three weeks, when it really just feels like the day keeps going on and on. My baby boy is learning so much, growing quickly, and getting to know his new home and his parents.

I had an amazing pregnancy. I loved being pregnant, even though there are things that were hard to tolerate at times. There were a few scary moments along the way, but overall, it was one of the most miraculous, special times in my life. Given that, I felt disappointed that it ended in a C-section that I really wanted to avoid. I was extremely exhausted, after three tiring nights in the hospital prior to an induction (which I've been told is much more stressful on the body) and labor that ultimately ended in surgery. At times, I felt like it was a nightmare of an ending. I have mourned the fact that labor/delivery didn't go as I wanted, expected, planned, or hoped. In addition, I'm still recovering, and my body feels beaten up from just being so darn exhausted all the time. I guess there's a big part of me that was wanting to see what my body could do on its own - without inducing labor when Baby and Body just weren't ready yet.

However, I had two big prayers going into B-day: to have a healthy baby and to have the ability to have more children in the future. Both of those prayers were answered on June 9th, and I couldn't be happier or more grateful for these miracles. For this, I am appreciative to my doctor for making the decisions he did, because in the end, I got the best gift of my life, and I can't wait to tell you all about him! (Coming soon!)