Learning to Love Three AM

I am a good sleeper - always have been. I have a pretty easy time falling asleep and staying asleep. I'm pretty good at sleeping in, too - in fact, I know my friends would tell you that - I've been notorious for being a late sleeper since early high school. I just love cuddling up so snug under covers with soft pillows to hug on to while my body relaxes and my mind snoozes. I would also say my worst part of every work day is the mere waking up early. I know I'm not alone in loving my sleep; it was THE thing all parents we knew told us to savor and get as much of as we could before Banner was born.

Oh, dear, sacred Sleep - how I miss you! I've actually had to mourn my good sleep. I knew going into this whole "kid thing" that not only would I not get nearly as much sleep as I was used to getting all of my life, but also the quality of my sleep would be greatly impacted as I would hear every minor noise my baby made. My friends with kids all told me these things, and I knew from even helping with my niece and nephew when they were born that the first months of parenting a newborn would be nightmarish when it came to getting any sleep. In addition, there's that old saying to "sleep when the baby sleeps," which is just insane. Any new mom or dad who has tried that knows it's just not possible. You could MAYBE get away with taking one nap while Baby naps, but more than that and you either have another adult to help you or you just don't get anything else done around the house. I'm fine with not getting anything done around the house, but it's kind of embarrassing that my house is a complete disaster during this period of time when my growing family has suddenly become so popular - with guests coming over any hour of the day. (Not complaining - love the company - but can't stand having to try to keep up with my messy daycare-of-a-house!) I should also mention that I can't even begin to shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair, get out of my pajamas, or put on make-up UNLESS my baby is sleeping - so if I nap when he's napping, just forget even trying to look somewhat decent. If I nap when he's napping, I wouldn't get bills paid, dishes washed, clothes laundered, body cleaned, dinner made, bladder emptied, belly fed, or blog written! :) I wouldn't have any time for myself at all - to catch up with friends and family, to find out what's going on in the world outside my house, to read my parenting books/emails, or to even make bottles for the day!
My dad asked me a couple weeks ago if I was bored while I was being a "stay-at-home-mom" this summer. Ha! He obviously has never done this (well, duh!, but you get my point!). How could I be bored with all these things I have to try to accomplish when Banner is merely sleeping! When he's awake, there's plenty to do - feed, change, play, cuddle, soothe, etc. So, bored? No, absolutely not! Tired and exhausted? Yes!

So, like I was saying, I'm mourning my good sleep. I know it will get better, but never will I have the kind of sleep on a regular basis that I'm so accustomed to having. Maybe on a vacation, maybe as a special treat when Sam takes over, maybe in 18+ years... but, I have to say "Sianara" to such delicious sleep! In fact, a couple weeks after we brought Banner home from the hospital, I had a rather obvious epiphany that killed my sleep hopes. I used to think to myself on a very busy work week, "You can sleep in this weekend; just wait til this weekend, and you can relax and sleep!" That devastating thought after feeling so overwhelmingly sleep-deprived was, "There is no 'this weekend.'" Just like there is no summer, spring, or winter break - there is no long weekend or holiday where I'll get to look forward to sleeping in. Even once I get to sleep longer hours when Banner starts to sleep through the night (soon, please?!), I'm still at his beck and call about what time I will have to wake up. He's my new alarm clock, telling me when I need to be up-and-at-'em!

Given this new norm I have to get used to, I'm trying to stop mourning the lack of sleep and embrace my new lifestyle. These are the days of child-rearing and spending the best kind of quality time with my baby while he's still a baby. SO, I'm learning to love my midnight time with my boy. Instead of cringing when I hear him stir and start to cry to be fed at night, I am starting to look forward to holding him, rocking him, soothing him, and looking into each others' eyes. I have a new take on it (for survival's sake??): my baby will only be this little each day. Each day I'm with him is the youngest I'll know him at that time - it's the littlest he'll be and each day is the first day of the rest of his life. As he gets older, he'll stop letting me hold him so long. One day, he'll tell me not to kiss him goodbye in front of his friends. One day, he'll be at school all day long. One day, he'll go away to sleep-away camp, and I'll miss those late-night feedings. One day, he'll be out all night with his friends and get home later than I can stay up. One day, he'll drive away to college, and I'll miss my baby. One day, I'll want to hold him tight and cuddle him, and he won't want me to because he's too big. So, while he can't talk back or push me away - I'm embracing how much he wants me to hold him, how much he wants my attention, how much I'm needed in his life, and how much he'll let me cuddle him. I have to get over my lack of sleep and look forward to those little moments of just the two of us alone in his room, rocking in the glider, staring at each other, holding hands, and drowsily loving each other as we continue to learn and get to know each other. I'm learning to love 3 AM and waking up for the day to sing my happy morning songs to my little man. I'm actually starting to get excited at 6 or 7 AM to see the biggest smiles; he truly brightens my day - and for now, my nights!