Banking

On my way to work each morning, I have a few moments to reflect on how things are going in my new role as a working mom. I can't help but think of my time as a variety of little piggy banks with different labels on each one. On one piggy is the label: Sam. In that bank, I deposit my coins (my time) when we go on a date, stay up late talking or playing, eating dinner together, etc. On another bank is the word: Banner. I get to add coins to that one when I play with him and spend quality time just the two of us. Yet another piggy reads "Work" and I add time by dedicating myself to my job. There are many other banks, too: Errands, House, Sleep, Family Time, just to name a few. There are others like "Kira's Wedding" or "Visiting Robyn" that might just sit lonely for a while until I can get to them, but they are always there on my mind, waiting for me to add a deposit. And then, there is the bank that I often overlook altogether that reads: Amber.

I feel good when I imagine myself adding to these banks, but it's hard to keep them balanced and somewhat full when I'm on complete overload much of the time. When I attend a work event late in the evening, I may feel like I get to add a deposit to the "Work" bank, but the Banner bank is being emptied - and THAT really bugs me. Anything that takes away from him and/or Sam makes me really rethink how important it is. But, then again, without other banks to fill, I may ultimately deplete the Banner or Sam bank, so it's important for me to try to keep a healthy balance and a healthy perspective.

Another analogy that always comes to mind (and has since Banner was born) is the Sims game. If you have ever played a Sims game, the goal is to proceed through the game by creating a life for your Sims character(s) and to maintain their happiness, health, hygiene, and relationships at the same time. When one status decreases (sleep, for example), another one increases (hunger, for example). You have to tell your character when to use the restroom, when to eat, when to interact with another character, etc. The player can manipulate the character in ways to increase happiness, decrease sleepiness, increase hygiene, etc. I always feel like I'm trying to maintain these statuses with Banner - all the time! Changing a wet diaper increases his comfort level; feeding him decreases his hunger level; playing with him increases his happiness; napping him decreases his fatigue level; bathing him increases his hygiene level; reading and singing to him increases his learning level, and the list goes on and on.

It's just a lot to have on my mind, trying to balance so many aspects of my routine and my time. There's no way to keep the balance in each bank the same, but I often feel like I'm trying. There are some banks that I have to contribute deposits when I don't really want to (work, errands, cleaning) because they take away from the banks I want to add to (Banner, Sam, family, Amber, etc). Keeping up with these banks all the time reminds me of that common question that working mothers often face: Can we have it all? I'm trying to balance these banks, but I'm often stressed by trying to DO it all. So much to do, so little time now that I'm back at work, and I'm just going to have to get better at not driving myself crazy in the meantime. But, that will take a lot of time, patience, and practice. . . and THAT you can bank on!

News from a Workin' Mama

I'm back at work. I hate it. I like my job, but I hate working. Does that make any sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is I hate working, but if I have to work, I'm glad I work where I do. I love my coworkers, and I love the community I work in. I'm trying so hard to look at any bright sides of being a working parent, but the brightest part of my day is being with Banner, so it's rough trying to find anything to beat that. It's really hard to be a working parent, but I'm learning it's actually much harder to be a working mom. I never thought I'd say that - the feminist in me is screaming at me right now - but there's something about that maternal feeling that is so powerful. It's so hard to be away from the little boy I have built such a deep, strong bond with for 5 straight months. I'm more than grateful for the 5 months I had with him - much more time than other working moms get - but no amount of time would be sufficient. Again, I keep trying to look for the positives in this situation, and there are some, but nothing really compares to being available for my son every minute of his days at this early age.

So, what are some of those highlights? I figure if I write them out, maybe it will help me buy into them a little more. Maybe on those awful days where I can't stand being in my office, or in a meeting, or answering that phone call, or dealing with a difficult child, I can reread this blog post and help me through a day that could otherwise end up in me turning in my resignation papers!

1. Working allows Banner the time with another caregiver so he can learn that he is worthy of love from people other than Sam and me. Someone else will get to love my child, and Banner will learn that other people care about him.
2. Income. . . enough said, really... but more resources will help us provide many opportunities for Banner. Not that money and "things" will make Banner a better person, but having the chance to take him places, providing experiences for him, and feeling secure financially will be better for the whole family.
3. I get the chance to socialize with other adults.
4. I get to help other children.
5. Banner will learn that his mommy is important to other people and not just to him. He'll learn that I worked hard to get where I am in my career and that higher education is important.
6. Later when he's in daycare, he'll learn how to socialize even more with other babies/kids (he loves other babies already!), and he'll get some immunities from all of their germs.  His language development will benefit from exposure to other kids and adults as well.
7. Banner will get the chance to cope with change; he'll get to play with other toys; he'll learn that Mommy and Daddy always come back for him.

So, that's my list so far. I know these are all positive, beneficial things on my list, but I could make an equally supportive list for staying at home with Banner and NOT working. I could also describe a flip-side to most of the above items. It's going to be a constant decision; I'm going to have to grapple with this decision almost daily, I know. Other working moms I work with tell me that there will be some days when I can't wait to get to work, and there will be days (more often) that I can't stand what I'm doing and wish I were with my little one. I've also been told that no matter when Banner reaches a milestone for the first time, the first time he does it for ME is the first time it happened. The only time it really counts is when I witness it for the first time. (The control freak in me has a problem with this idea because I'll never really know when he mastered something for the first time, but I guess I'll be so excited to see whatever he's doing the first time I see it that it won't matter if he's done it 2 or 3 times before.)

It's just an overwhelming change, and I'm sure I'll get used to it soon. So many people do this every day; I know I'm not alone; I know I'm not any different from these other parents that work outside the home. But, when you're the one going through it - none of that matters. It's all about me and it's all about Banner, and it's all about how I'm going to deal with this change and start accepting it. It will be fine, I know. It will work itself out. I've just never been good with change, and I don't know that I'll ever be good at being away from my baby.

Guilt: A New State of Being

I'm going back to work in a couple of days. I've been dreading this week for at least five months now, and I can't believe it's finally here. I've tried my best to put it out of my mind until it actually arrives, but it's always been hovering over my head like a guillotine ready to fall. I know I had a lot more time with Banner than other working moms get with their kids before maternity leave runs out, so I'm not complaining. My pregnancy fell at a beautiful time considering that I work for a school district. . . a summer birth right after the last week of school gave me 2 free months without having to take time off, then FMLA allowed me 60 work days off to be a mom getting to know my baby.  I couldn't have planned it better (well, I didn't "plan" it that way; it just sort of happened like that)! But, that doesn't take away from the pain, anxiety, sadness that comes with having to go back to the work force and leave my son with other caretakers. Luckily, for the next several weeks before the holidays, my mom will be taking care of him each day. There's no one who would take better care of him, so I will feel comfortable being at work - at least until January when he starts daycare.

But, the point of this posting is all about the guilt I have felt as a mom since the day Banner was born. Why? Well, because no matter what I do, I feel worried and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing by him. Here's yet another glimpse into my thinking from day to day:

I should be a stay-at-home mom and spend every moment with Banner. No, I should be a working mom and show him how important it is to have a job. I should show him how great it is that women can work and have a family, and I should use the degrees I worked so hard to get to teach my child about higher education and the importance of learning. I should spend more time interacting with him. No, I should leave him to entertain himself more often. I don't know what's wrong; why's he crying? I should fix it! No, I should let him cry-it-out; he needs to learn how to soothe himself. I should let him sleep. No, he sleeps too much! I should get a nanny so he doesn't get germs at daycare. No, he needs to go to daycare to be exposed to germs to build immunities. I need to make his room colder, he's going to get hot. No, his room needs to be warmer, he's going to freeze. Sam and I should go out alone more often because that's good for Banner, too. But, no, we should spend as much time with him as we can. Banner wakes too easily when there's noise, so I should be extra quiet during sleep times. No, I should have been louder when he was a newborn (which I was!), and/or I should just go about my day and he'll have to learn to sleep though it! He loves the TV - I'll let him watch a little. No, studies show that's awful for kids under 2; I should turn it off.  Banner loves the bath, I should let him stay in it longer. But, no, it'll dry out his skin if I let him take a longer bath. He shouldn't fall asleep in the swing for naps, it's not good for him. But, he loves it and doesn't fight sleep that way, so maybe it's okay. He wants his pacifier, I should let him have it as much as possible. No, he's going to have speech problems, or he'll end up being dependent on it too much. Oh, and, the whole breastfeeding issues - but let's not go there again!

Ay ay ay! The never ending cycle of thoughts that contradict each other and create more guilt on my part! It's ridiculous, but it's a universal, common feeling. I know I'm not alone in these thoughts - although I may over-analyze much too often - something that I'm well-known for and often, yes, guilty of more than I'd like to be. But, taking care of a tiny, helpless, innocent, beautiful creature that I brought into this world puts a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. And, for whatever reason, mothers seem to be the ones to worry more often. Sam would tell you I need to chill out, but that's a lot easier said than done. I always feel like I'm walking a tightrope, trying hard not to teeter too much to one side and do the "wrong" thing - if there is a "wrong" thing. It's a balance that I want to keep even at all times, but that's just really hard to do. And, these decisions are not life-threatening decisions. . . they're actually kind of minor - but, they are decisions nonetheless.

So, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm just going to feel guilty most of my life when it comes to my child(ren). I figure I'll always be thinking, "I should have done this..." or "I could have done that..." - always questioning my choices and how they impact Banner's development, happiness, health, safety, comfort, future, and well-being. And, currently, this whole work thing is in the spotlight of concerns. So many working moms, so many stay-at-home moms... it really doesn't matter which, but you have to come to terms with your decision and know what's right for your own family, and I have a feeling this will be an ongoing decision. It's going to keep coming up. See, I told Sam last night that, in my mind, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Maybe that's because I have been for the past few months; maybe it's because I've always envisioned that when I was younger; maybe it's because I'm hoping that's in my future. Who knows... but it's causing mental discomfort when thinking of myself at work and my son somewhere else. I know there are pros and cons to both staying at home and to working, but either way I'll feel guilty . . . and be forewarned, if you read this blog often, you'll be reading a lot more on this topic in the future while I DO come to terms with this ever-changing, ever-frustrating decision! This is just another state of being, I guess. So, while I come to terms with being back at work, I'm going to think about it this way: I'm a stay-at-home mom who works just 5 days a week. :)

5 Month Update

So, our little man is 5 months old today! He's growing up so fast, and there's so much to share. Since the four-month post, so much has changed:

• Banner is eating solids now! He eats rice cereal and oatmeal (which he prefers over rice). He's tried only one veggie so far, since we started those only two days ago. So far, peas are a NO! He does not like them at all. He's gagged on them both nights. Poor kid.
• He sleeps in only footsie pajamas - no swaddle, no Pekemoe, no sleep sack. 
• He rolls tummy to back on both left and right sides. And, just a few days ago, he figured out how to roll back to belly! He is now rolling every which way!
• He is sitting up unassisted for minutes at a time. In a week or so, I'm betting he'll have it down for much longer than a few minutes. He uses his hands to help him balance when he starts to tip a little.
• He has only four bottles a day (all about 8 oz) at approximately 7:00, 11:00, 2:30, and 7:00. He eats cereal in the morning after his bottle, and he has "dinner" at 5:30ish. 
• We start our bedtime routine around 6:15-6:30ish. He's usually dozing around 7:00.
• He's sleeping from about 7 until 6:30am. 
• Banner loves deep hugs, zerberts, tickles, and bouncing on my knees. He loves to experiment with his voice, and he's moved out of growling all the time to wanting to squeal and sometimes scream with joy. 
• He has been napping the first nap of the day in my bed with me, and I love this! I will miss this next week when I'm back at work. I still have the weekends, but this is something I look forward to everyday, and he sleeps so well in our bed. . . usually a 2 hour nap from about 8:00-10:00 or something similar.
• He loves his friends and enjoys play dates. He wants to interact with other kids - often reaching for them or trying to "talk" to them.
• His eczema is getting better, but we have to stay on top of it with lots of moisturizing cream and meds when he needs them. His cradle cap is less scaly, but his scalp is still pretty dry looking. The dermatologist told us the other day that the red, chapped-looking skin under his chin is from drooling so much.
• Yes, he's drooling all the time! He's definitely teething, but no teeth yet! I check every single day! The constant use of bibs is not only for the reflux now, it's also for the pool of saliva that trickles down his chin most every minute he's awake.
• And, yes, the reflux is still a major problem. I'm hoping by 6 months old we'll have a "non-spitter," but I'm not feeling that it's going to resolve so easily. Our doctor told us it would resolve by 3 months, then he said by 4 months, now he's saying by 6 months. I'm pretty convinced that next check-up he'll say 9 months. Annoying? Yes! For everyone involved, but mostly for Banner.
• He rubs/grabs at his ears when he's tired, and he scratches at his eyes. I wish he would just use a closed fist to rub his eyes when he's sleepy, because he often nicks the bridge of his nose with his very strong fingernails (which I cut and file daily to no avail!).
• Banner got to meet his distant cousins and great aunts/uncles on his dad's side this week. Although they were here for Sam's mom's funeral, it was nice for everyone to meet him and to get to play with him a little. He spent 5 nights in a row at Grandma's house, and he did really well going back and forth during the day.
• He had his first party - a Halloween party - and played with 8 other babies. He was quite the host! :)
• Although we didn't have an official weight/height since we didn't go to the doctor this month, we're guessing he weighs about 16.5 pounds. He seems to be getting considerably taller overnight, too! I swear the other night he grew an inch at least!

I've been both looking forward to and dreading the 5 month mark. It means my baby is getting more interactive, more predictable, more sociable, and definitely more fun! But, it also marks my time being up from playing "stay-at-home" mom. Next week, I head back to work, and I'll miss my days with Banner. I've been so good about play dates, pictures, videos, and just being there for every milestone and fun moment - so I'm very sad for what this next stage means. I'm hopeful it will be an easy adjustment. I just have to say that these past 5 months have been the most jam-packed months of learning, challenges, triumphs, joys, tears, frustration, and constantly growing love! I am so proud of all Banner's accomplishments; I'm glad I have been here every step of the way. And, as my nephew told me the other day, going to work each day keeps me from Banner only for about 8 hours, and then I get to have him in the evenings. That's a long time each day, but I'll take anything I can get! Each moment with him is a gift. Thank you, Sam, for letting me spend these tender, special days with our boy. And, Happy 5th month to my sweet angel!

 

All About Bubbie

Dear Banner, 

When I started this blog, I made it a hard fast rule to never write about my "in-laws." There was so much I could have written in the early days of engagement, wedding planning, and being married just because joining a family that exists well without your presence is beyond difficult, and it lends itself to lots of great posts about how to build a bridge between "your" family and "his" family. But, I felt that this particular area of "newlywed-hood" was simply best left untouched as I figured out how to develop bonds and relationships with each "new" member of my family. Until now.

Mostly, I want to write about your Bubbie, Daddy's mommy... my mother-in-law. Earlier this week, Bubbie died suddenly and unexpectedly. You are only four (and a half) months old, and you spent very little time with her in your short life thus far. I'm so sad that Bubbie and you were not given enough time to get to know each other. I want you to know just how much she was looking forward to meeting you. I remember the night Daddy and I told her that we were expecting a baby (YOU!) on Thanksgiving Day of 2010. Her response is crystal clear in my mind today as she shouted with exuberant excitement: "GET OUT! GET OUT!!!" She was so thrilled - smiled ear to ear with a grin I was so happy to see! She was SO excited about you. She couldn't wait to help offer names when she found out you were a boy. She would send text messages to Daddy and to me, and she created lists of names from A-Z (literally!) that she thought would be nice for you.

Your Bubbie knew me from the time I was 16 years old and on. She used to love to call me late at night, even when I was still a teenager, just to get to know me better. She told me that she loved how easily I could talk to her and to Zaide when I would go visit Daddy at their house - even before we were dating. Although she often shared WAY too much information about her private life, and she often forgot she was talking to a girl much younger than herself, she always seemed to know just how special my relationship was with Daddy. She wanted us to be together so badly, and even when the timing wasn't right for Daddy and me to be together, she was our cheerleader and reminded us to give it time, to not give up.

She loved your Zaide so much, too. He was certainly the love of her life, and she used to tell me that she loved him the most in life and that she could hate him the most in life too. She taught me that when I get upset with Daddy and feel so angry, it's only because I love him so much that it can hurt so badly.

She loved music, movies, and talking on the phone. She loved her family so much, but she liked her alone time, too. Nothing she said was short and "to-the-point," but that's what made talking to her so funny and special. We'd venture off-topic numerous times during a conversation, and she'd often pause and say, "I don't know how we got to that!" She was funny and goofy. She was lively and spiritual. She made great green bean casserole and would make it special for me many times.

She was soothing and calming. Once, when Aunt Gayle asked Bubbie to come over and help her babysit you, the moment you heard Bubbie's voice, you calmed. They told me that you looked at her face with awe and wonder. You knew her.

I could probably name all the dates and the occasions that you spent time with Bubbie, and this makes me glad to have these memories but so sad that they were so few. To name a few/most of them: your birth day, two days later at the hospital, your Bris, Father's Day, Daddy/Zaide's birthday celebration, when she spent the night with us, a couple times she babysat while I went to the doctor/dentist, July 4th, when she brought Miles over because he wanted to visit you, your Baby Naming, Labor Day, and October 2 (the last day I saw her). Interestingly, Daddy saw her on October 6 for a date night with her - to see the musical, West Side Story. That was the last night he saw her, and when Daddy and I went to the State Fair, on October 15 - that was the last time you spent time with her. So, Daddy and I like that we can tell you how YOU saw her more recently than either of us!

Your Bubbie had great legs, she loved watching family videos over and over again, and she said being at our wedding was like being in a movie. She told me several times that she couldn't wait to be a grandparent with Grandma; she said she thought they would be wonderful grandparents together. She said she could just see them together at birthdays helping out, laughing together, and loving their grandchildren. I'm so, so sad that she never got more than 4 months of that time. But, I know her spirit will live on, and she'll be at every one of your birthday parties!

It hurts so much to think that Bubbie is not with us any longer. I know how much Daddy, Zaide, and your aunts loved having her around. She was cookey and silly, she was full of words and wisdom, she was real and down-to-earth. She could make you laugh and make you cry in the same phone message - which typically lasted at least 2 minutes long. She said things like, "Flush as you go" when talking about going to the bathroom, "Look out for the other guy" when we left to drive somewhere, and "You're grounded!" when she was teasing us about something we said that she disapproved of. She loved being pregnant, much like I did. She had a contagious laugh, and she was a great storyteller, . . . sometimes she told the same ones over and over again, too. I can't tell you how many times I heard the story of Daddy's birth!

She kept the entire extended family in touch, and she knew all the gossip and updates on everyone. She took great pride in keeping her home looking and smelling clean.  She loved to massage Daddy's head... she thought massaging his upper forehead would stimulate hair growth when he was little - but we laughed with her about how she probably caused his receding hairline. She welcomed me into her family with open, loving arms, and she thought of me as her own daughter ... in fact, she wished I had been more willing to call her Mom, or Mom J.

Bubbie knew how to calm me when I was scared. Once, when Daddy had his wisdom teeth out, he actually fainted at home that night. I dialed Bubbie's number faster than I ever had before - I didn't know I knew her number that fast!! - and she was over in two minutes helping me take care of Daddy. I was scared and unsure of what to do, and she fixed it. Another time was Daddy's bad car accident within the same year of our wedding. I needed to see Bubbie that night, when I was scared and unsure of how hurt Daddy was. We hugged and cried together, and I knew she understood how terrified I was. I'm sad that the one person who loved your Daddy as much as I did - the one person who could share that deep "can't live without you" love - is gone. I'm sad that I don't know how to make Cream of Wheat for Daddy the way Bubbie did. I'm sad that sometimes, when Daddy just wants his own Mommy, he won't have her - and I won't hug him just the way she did or rub his head just the way she did. I can't replace her, and that's not my job - but I really miss her FOR him. And for you, sweet boy. I miss all the memories you never got to make with her. I miss the joy you would have continued to bring to her. I hate that your siblings (if you ever have any!) won't ever know her, and she'll never know them.

In our religion, it is considered a mitzvah (a good deed) to help bury someone who has died. It is the last gift you can give that person, to help bury his/her body and lay him/her to rest. Daddy shoveled dirt onto Bubbie's coffin, and then I did. And, then together, we both used the shovel to place dirt over Bubbie's coffin for you. I want you to know this because I want you to feel that you were a part of her funeral and burial. I want you to know that we helped you give Bubbie a big gift, the last gift anyone can give. Bubbie knew those shovel scoops were from you, and it was the hardest three scoops I've ever shoveled. Through tears, I told her that you loved her. I told her that you would know all about her.

Bubbie believed in an afterlife, she believed in God or something greater than herself, and she believed in reincarnation. I'm hopeful that she believed correctly and that she's happy wherever she is. I believe if she's right that she will be with you every single day - watching over you and wanting you to be happy and healthy. I know she loved you and continues to love you now. I'm so sorry you won't get to know her, but I'm glad that she knew about you, that she knew you were a strong, healthy boy, that you smiled and laughed for her, that you calmed for her, and that she felt you in her arms. I can't wait to tell you more about her, your Bubbie, and I hope you know that she is a part of you, and we are so grateful that you are here!

Love,
Mommy

Your first picture with Bubbie

Your last picture with Bubbie