Fontina Returns - Again ... Again!

Just like Banner, Quinn has had a pacifier since his earliest days. With Banner, we held off on giving a pacifier until he was about two weeks old. With Quinn, I think it was 2 days old. We had six Gumdrop pacifiers that we kept up with to make sure we had some with us at all times - 2 blues, 2 purples, and 2 oranges. It was easy then when he wasn't attached to any particular color. We lost some along the way (one fell out in the parking lot at a grocery store around 4 months, for instance, and I even went back to try to find it later, but no luck). We would replace them when they got icky or torn up, but for the most part, we always had about 6 of them until he was 1, and then we decided to just let nature take its course and not replace them anymore. Quinn was left with 3 (an orange and two purples) for quite a while. Then, the orange one had some tears in it, so we had to say goodbye to that one. He would ask about it for a while - and still does from time to time - but he never cried or got upset without it. For the past several months, Quinn has been down to those lone purples. They would go with him to Grandma & Papa's when he naps there, and he had them for every nap & night time. If we ever forgot them (which only happened once or twice), he was not thrilled about any different color replacement he might borrow from Levi... it had to be purple. But, a little over a week and a half ago, I took him to the dermatologist when a constant rash around his mouth nagged at me.

At the doctor, we talked about what might be causing the rash, and the pacifier was discussed - not so much as a culprit but as an irritant that wouldn't help with the healing process. The doctor suggested letting go of the pacifier, but when I told her (a mother of 3 kids exactly the same distance apart as my 3 are/will be) about the transition to the big boy bed that week, she completely agreed that now might not be the best time to take his pacifiers away from him.  A week later, when we went back to the doctor because the rash had gotten worse, she was exceptionally proud of us and congratulatory when we told her that we'd nixed the pacifiers over the weekend. I explained to her that the rash had gotten so bad that my gut told me to just bite the bullet and go cold turkey! So, how did all that happen?

Well, we had told Quinn that a) his pacifiers were starting to tear and get little holes in them - making them unsafe and "broken," and b) his pacifiers were making it harder for his mouth to get better; they were hurting his mouth. He asked if we could fix them. Specifically, he asked if we could "take them to Grandma's house and fix them at her house?" But, we explained that even Grandma can't fix them! Later that morning, Quinn and I went to My Gym and then to the grocery store. At the store, I took him to the baby aisle and let him pick out any pacifier he wanted. I told him that he could sleep with it instead of the purple pacis. I know this sounds crazy because I wanted to get him to not sleep with a pacifier at all... BUT... my main goal was to get him off of the Gumdrop, which is made of a rubber that rubs his mouth and perhaps irritates the rash. The plastic choices in front of us didn't bother me. My goal was NOT to get rid of the pacifiers altogether - it was to get rid of the specific one we'd used all his life. I was okay if he had a different one, especially during this big time of transition to a bed and new bedroom with a room mate!

Quinn picked out a pack of 2 soccer Nuk pacifiers. Later that day, although Mommy was anxious, Quinn slept just fine for nap! He took a little longer than usual to fall asleep, but he did - and he took a good nap! He never once put the pacifiers in his mouth but just held them both with his lovey. He did the same at night, and then the next day at nap, he told me he didn't want the "soccer pacis." I told him he didn't have to sleep with them at all. I asked if he wanted me to put them away, but he said he just wanted to hold them. And, that's what he's done for the past week. He plays with them in his hands, but he never puts them in his mouth. Mission accomplished! These new ones don't feel right, they don't twist and turn the way the "purple ones" did, but they sure do comfort him to have them in his hands. And, I'm perfectly fine with that!

Now, I'm not saying he has been a model sleeper! These past two weeks in his big boy bunk have been rough. He either takes a long time to fall asleep, crying for us to sit with him, or he wakes in the middle of the night, or he wakes up super early - or all of the above! But, never once has he cried for the old pacifiers, never has he used the new ones in his mouth, and he has pretty much stopped asking about them at all.

SO, this morning, we had a special visitor! Someone rang the doorbell today, and when the boys went to the door, there was a present sitting on our front porch! They immediately wanted to open it, but Daddy explained that we needed to see who it was from first - and who it was for! They read this special note together:

For those of you who don't know, our Paci Fairy, Fontina, has made a few trips to our house in the past. Quinn was excited to get his own visit this time! Fontina must have been spying on my boys when they see a commercial for PopOut Pets on Nick, Jr. because every.single.time Quinn says he wants that. Well, Fontina made this little boy's wish come true this morning when that's exactly what he got (along with her famous chocolate coins she always leaves in their gifts):

Thank you, Fontina, for making this boy of ours so happy! He's currently napping in his bunk bed with his frog friend (who can easily change into a monkey or a parrot). And, to these three pacis that kept my boy feeling safe, secure, and asleep... thank you for all your hard work!

65% Baked: BBJ #3

It's been a while since I posted about my pregnancy with this third baby of ours, so I thought it would be a good idea to catch up on how it's been going. Today, I'm 26 weeks pregnant, and overall I'm feeling great! My only current complaint is that it sure would be awesome if the pharmacy would go ahead and fill my reflux prescription - as I've been without my meds for over 4 days, and if it continues, an ulcer is certainly in my future. I've been dealing with reflux since 11 weeks, and I started taking prescription meds at 12 weeks They helped for a bit, and then we had to up the dosage to keep me comfortable. Now that I'm out of the meds and the pharmacy is "waiting to hear back from the insurance company," I'm frustrated and burning again! (Damn insurance companies.)

But, let's move on from that... or try to... it's just hard when I feel it in my chest and throat nearly every minute of writing this post (and throughout the day and night!). And, yes, I've gone back to Tums, OTC meds, and other remedies, but it's not the same. At least I can say my prescription works, right?!

Okay, let's try again to move on...

Things are going very well. I'm feeling this little boy move all over the place. My placenta is posterior, which is a first for me. With Banner & Quinn, it was anterior, so their movement was a little more "muffled." I've been feeling this little guy since 16 weeks - maybe because of the placenta, maybe because it's a third pregnancy and I know better what to feel for, maybe because he's more active? Could be lots of things, but definitely earlier than the big brothers. I don't really notice his movement until I'm still. He wakes up when I'm not lulling him to sleep - and I notice him when the older boys aren't around - night time, at work, in the car. Last week, Sam and I were watching Grey's Anatomy, and we felt him moving the ENTIRE hour. I never mind this activity. It's my absolute favorite part of being pregnant, even if he is on my bladder or about to punch through  my cervix. (TMI? Sorry.) Sam (and Banner) began feeling the baby move around 21-22 weeks - somewhere in there. And now that he's really rolling all over the place, it's more fun for them to feel him. My skin is feeling stretched more and more, and the left side of my lower back hurts toward the end of the night when I'm putting the boys to bed. Some days I carry higher than others, but mostly, this belly is getting heavy, and I find myself pulling up on it to get some relief from time to time. Quinn was way lower than this baby by now, so I'm hopeful that he will stay up or move up as he grows. I'm feeling Braxton Hicks contractions from time to time, and while they are annoying and can even take my breath away, they are not painful.

I'm not as hungry as I was a few weeks ago. But, if I don't graze just a little, I'll feel faint or need to eat a couple of peanut butter & honey sandwiches to satisfy a neglected appetite. I don't necessarily "crave" a particular food, but those sandwiches sure are good! And, I've had to pry myself away from the Hostess cupcakes when I go down that aisle at the grocery store. There were a couple weeks when those were my most prized possession, but I've been much better in the last 3-4 weeks. Not gonna lie; I sure do miss them. I just feel like they're not the best option. :)

I had my glucose test two weeks ago at my 24 week check-up. So grateful I passed. I don't know why I was nervous since I've never had an issue in the past, but I think I just fear more as this body ages. And, I know that every pregnancy is different, so I was anxious about it. At that same appointment, my weight showed I had gained 8 pounds total. I was pleased with that for now. But, I also know the weight is about to pile on, so I am trying to be very careful in the next 13 weeks.

Most exciting, we got to schedule my C-section date: February 16th. I will be 39 weeks that day, and I like the sound of that: 2/16/16. Exactly one week earlier is February 9th - and that would have been very cool to have all of my boys born on the 9th of their birth months, but 38 weeks is a little too early.  We will see, though. This long boy has been measuring slightly ahead of his due date. At each scan, he's been about 3-7 days older than my date. The MFM doctor, at 20 weeks, predicted a pretty tall baby, but not a "big" baby. His arms and legs were very long compared to the rest of his measurements at that time.

And, finally, a name. Not much progress there, unfortunately. There are a few we are mulling over, and one day I might love the ideas, and the next day have a change of heart. Sam likes some names, and I like others, so we are not in agreement yet. I have a gut feeling about what his name will be, but I'm not 100% sure. That's not unusual for me, though. I was tentative about sharing Banner's name with everyone, even though we loved it. And, I was very unsure about Quinn's name UNTIL we started sharing it! It was the only thing I was terribly anxious about on the OR table as they started my C-section with him. "What if his name's not Quinn? What if he's not Quinn??" I asked Sam several times. I think naming your children is one of the hardest things. Other than making healthy choices while they are in utero, it's the first decision you make for your child without even knowing him or her. So, we want it to be a good name, one they like, one that suits them, one that gives them permission to be that name - to be great and good and so many other qualities. I believe our names often provide the script of our lives, so I want it to be amazing. No pressure, right?!

That about sums up the last 14 weeks since I last posted about my pregnancy. The big brothers are super-excited to meet their baby brother. Banner, especially, really seems to understand what is going on. Quinn "gets it" as much as he can right now. He knows there is a baby in my belly, and we talk about babies a lot. But, Banner knows more about what's coming. He is inquisitive, curious, and protective. He is concerned about the baby and what he's doing in there right now. "Is he walking around in there?" "Mommy, I'm sorry I bumped your tummy. Did I hurt the baby?" "Mommy, you're pregnant. That means you are going to have a baby." "When's it going to be time to go to the hospital to meet him?" "How do they get the baby out of your tummy?" "I'm really happy we are going to have a new baby, but I'm disappointed that you have to stay at the hospital for so long." "I'm sorry it's going to hurt you when they take the baby out." And, the newest thing on his mind (and never far from mine!): "We need a bigger house now for our baby."

The boys are making adjustments to prepare for the arrival. A new, shared bedroom and bunk bed; learning how to do things on their own so they can be helpful when the baby comes (like putting on their own shoes or buckling themselves in their car seats or doing more chores around the house, for example); practicing playing with and holding a baby or doll.

Just 13 more weeks before February 16th! We know that will fly by, too! Still lots to do and lots to think about before we meet our baby, but I'm just grateful for my health, for his health and development, and for excited big brothers!  Here's to an uneventful ending to my 2nd trimester and to an equally uneventful, easy third one!

Big Boy Bunk

At 26 months old today, we have a new beginning for our 2-year-old. At this same age, Banner climbed out of his crib several times in a 24-hour period, and we knew it was time for his big boy bed, just three weeks before his baby brother was born. Well, here we are only a week or so ahead of Banner at that age and three months away from baby brother, and Quinn was expressing a dislike of his crib. He never climbed out, and we really would have been fine to keep him in his crib longer, but he kept fussing and whining about not liking his bed before naps and bedtimes. So, Sam and I decided to rush our plan to get Banner and Quinn in the same room sooner than later - or at least have it ready for when Quinn finally decided he was ready to be out of his crib for good.

The mere mention of a bunk bed had both boys super excited. When Quinn started to ask about his bunk bed, we knew we couldn't really hold off any longer. Luckily, my aunt and uncle were trying to donate my cousin's boyhood bedroom furniture. We were the willing recipients, but the furniture was brown and we wanted white since Banner's room was already set up to match a white scheme. No worries... we would just paint the furniture: the entire bunk bed and ladder and the matching dresser. So, this past Saturday morning, Sam and his dad moved the furniture from my aunt & uncle's house to our garage - where painting began as soon as my mom took the boys to her house after Banner's 3:00 soccer game. She kept them overnight so we could have lots of time to paint and organize. Sam did most of the painting, while I stayed in to gut Banner's closet (which had been my craft/gift wrap closet that B never used). By Sunday night, the bed was painted, assembled, and moved in to Banner's room. We still had some work to do - moving the monitor camera, getting their bedding washed and dried, etc. So, we waited one more night before the official move. Plus, I wanted one more night to rock Quinn in his own room, to put him in his crib one last time, and to have that one-on-one time with Banner laying in his bed with him. (And, Walking Dead may have been on, and I may have wanted to make sure there was no long, drawn-out interruption from the boys in a new room while trying to watch my show!) The evening was slightly emotional, but both boys were so very tired that they went right down and made the night smooth. Quinn happened to wake up around 5:30 (so totally awesome when my work alarm goes off at 6:00); and although I hated the early wake-up, I didn't mind rocking him for a few minutes before getting him back to sleep - just knowing my days of rocking him and having that one-on-one time with him would soon be a distant memory. I cradled him and smelled him and rocked him and patted him and held his little hand that wrapped around my finger.

Then, today, I put him down for nap in his crib one last time, also. And, at bed time, we let him choose if he was ready for the bunk bed or wanted his crib again. He wanted nothing to do with the crib! Any mention of it was met with a demand for the bunk bed and with much frustration on his part - because he's been asking for the bunk bed for so long now, how dare we not let him sleep in it already - now that it's here and ready! Banner, of course, was super excited to be on the top bunk, too! So, everyone was excited... until it was time to actually turn off the light and get in bed. That's when Quinn got a little teary. He never really cried or got upset, but he was definitely unsure about this move. It kind of broke my heart - because I wanted to cry with him. I, too, have a hard time with change and newness and growing up! So, here he was being slightly emotional and not sure how this was all going to go down.

I brought the ottoman from the glider in their room, and Sam rocked Quinn on it while telling them a Mario story. . . of course, what other kind of bedtime story is there?! Then, once Quinn was settled in bed, Sam stayed next to him on the floor until he was asleep. Banner fell asleep within about 20 minutes, too... he mostly just needed time to acclimate to his new tall perspective of his room, I think. He also isn't used to Quinn's lullaby music that we brought in with Banner's permission. (That's actually a cute story. I told Banner that Quinn listens to music when he goes to sleep; would he mind if we brought his music in? Banner said, "This is his room now too. That's fine with me." Kinda choked me up!)

I went in their room about 30 minutes later, and Quinn popped up. He said, "Where's Daddy?" I told him, "Daddy's here. You're okay. Night-night," and rubbed his back for just a minute. Then, he laid right back down, and we haven't heard from him since! It's been an hour and a half now, and who knows how the night and early morning will go. I've gone over the rules for sharing a room: being quiet, not waking the other person, and I even had both boys promise the other that they will be quiet and not wake the other, but no idea what our immediate future holds!

We still have a lot of work to do: finish painting and organizing the dresser; install a new ceiling fan; move Quinn's clothes and things into his new space. But, we are off to a great start. I'd like to thank Sam for all his hard work, patience, and time that he gave this quick (but not-so-easy) project! I'd also like to thank Uncle Barry, Aunt Susie, and Brennan for their furniture, and, my father-in-law, Richard, for helping to move and transport it! And, thank you to my mom for keeping the boys this past weekend so we could get so much accomplished in a short time. Here's to a peaceful night and a smooth transition for all of us!
 ----------------
Update 11/10:  So, how did it go?? Well, Banner did beautifully! He even slept a little later than usual (7:30 as opposed to 6:45ish). When Quinn woke up in the middle of the night, around 2:30, Banner woke up, too, but he went right back to sleep and stayed asleep from then on. Quinn, as I said, woke up the first time at 2:30; Sam went in and sat next to the bed for a while and left once Quinn fell asleep. An hour later, he was awake again. He never got out of bed, but he called and cried for us. The third time he woke up, around 4:30, I went to him and he said, "Uppy, Mommy," as he stood up. I rocked him for a bit, and then I put him back in bed and said, "You're okay." He took a little while, but he eventually fell asleep on his back (as I watched the monitor in my own bed). Finally, at 5:30ish, when he awoke a fourth time, I did the same thing, and when I tried to leave his room that time, he cried pretty hard. I was worried he'd wake up Banner (who, at that time of the early morning, would not have gone back to sleep if he woke up), so I grabbed Quinn and quickly got him out of the room. We let him sleep in our bed for the rest of the "night," and he slept until a little after 7:00. I was kind of bummed I caved and that he didn't make it all through the night, BUT I also know it could have been a lot worse, and I was really pleased with the beginning of the night and with Banner's sleep. I was able to watch (on the monitor) Banner climb down the bunk ladder first thing when he woke up, and he was really proud of himself for doing that so nicely. 

It is currently nap time as I write this update, and I gave Quinn the choice of napping in his bed or in his crib. When I asked him, he was leaning on the ladder of the bunk bed, and he said, "Sleep on the ladder!" He smiled and we laughed at him being silly, but then he said, "in there," as he pointed to his own room. So, as I type, he is sleeping peacefully in his crib. And, given that today is a swim lesson day, I am totally okay with him napping in there and getting a good rest! We will see what he chooses tonight, but I definitely want to change a few things for the evening to help make it go more smoothly. Most importantly, we will turn off Banner's night light that Quinn is definitely not used to; it was way too bright in that room last night! Wish us luck tonight! :) 

Bunk and Dresser - Before

Bunk - After (Dresser is still in garage being painted)

Boys so excited the bunk is in their room - we put rails on later

Story time before first night together

Success! (At least until 2:30am) :)

Dear Leslie (4)

Dear Leslie,
Banner is four years old, which means you have been gone for that long now. Time stands still for you, but for us it keeps marching along, and it's even hard to remember how long it's been since we last spent time together. So, I rely on the age of my oldest baby to remind me of how much you have missed, how many years you've not been able to hold him, play with him, watch him grow, how many family events and milestones you aren't here for. I have so much to tell you, but I know you already get it all - you are definitely still very much a part of our lives and our family, so there's no way you really need me to type all this out. But, for my sake, I like to jot down my thoughts to you each year, to reflect on how you are still a part of us, and to let my babies know how much you are missed.

Sam and I know how much we miss you. The months pass by quickly now, and sometimes we get so busy, it's hard to take a minute to just breathe and to focus on "mourning" you. You are interwoven into our conversations and into our memories though, so we don't really NEED those moments anymore. But, sometimes, it just catches us off-guard. Sometimes, we will just be sitting alone together on the couch, and the thoughts of you are too big to hold back. Sam will always need those moments to just miss you - to wish for you - to recognize you really aren't here and how very much he can't stand not having you close.

I recently went back through some old audio files and saw your old messages. I listened to them, and it was hard to believe those messages weren't left just days ago because it still feels like that. Your voice is still crystal clear in my head, and your laugh, your smile, your annoying rambling, your hug . . . all still so fresh. Still so very hard to wrap our brains around the fact that you simply aren't here.

You aren't here to laugh with Banner or to tickle Quinn. You aren't here to hear their funny expressions or their clever thoughts. Oh my God, they are special kids, and you are missing it. You would be head-over-heals in love with both of them, Leslie, and they would be with you as well. But, they know you. They recognize your pictures, they ask about you, they question why you died or where you are now. You are not far from their minds, even if they barely knew you when you were alive. It's hard to not think of you when we hear something they say that would knock your socks off or when Quinn makes a certain face during swim lessons that looks JUST.LIKE.YOU!

And, yet, another big milestone coming without you here. Your fifth grandson grows in my belly. You're not here to feel him move inside my belly - the way you'd wait patiently with your hand on me for Banner's jabs and rolls. You'll miss his birth and meeting him for the first time. You'll miss Banner and Quinn learning to be big brothers to another sibling, learning to share a room, learning to accept and love another little creature who will be a best friend to them. You'll miss holding the newest member of our family and watching how gracefully or how horribly we handle three kids! Undoubtedly, you'd have your opinions and you'd let us know them - probably laughing at our stress while still telling us how great we are doing.

And while I know you are still such a part of our lives and you already "know" these things, you are missing Miles's last year in elementary school. You are missing seeing the incredible big brother he has become to Colby and how my boys adore him. You are missing Colby's year in Kindergarten and how sweet he has become when he plays with Banner and Quinn. I know you would adore them and cherish your time with all 4 of these beautiful blue-eyed boys of yours. I miss that FOR you.

Yet, time marches on, and we carry you with us. Just a few nights ago, I overheard Banner during bath time. Sam was bathing the boys, as usual, and Banner said, "I don't love Bubbie anymore because she died." It was hard to hear the pain in Sam's voice as he probably held back tears when replying to his son, "You're right, she died. But, we can still love her. You love Mommy, and if Mommy weren't here, you'd still love her, right?" Banner quickly agreed. And while I understand Banner's logic and appreciated his abstract thoughts, I was hurting for Sam to have to respond to such a comment. Inside, I know Sam misses you and loves you and wants his sons to love you forever. . . and he most desperately still wants his mommy. Oh, it's so hard to feel the loss and pain Sam feels, a pain that often goes undiscussed or gets numbed with the everyday busy-ness. But, in those moments, when our boys talk about you or ask about you or question death, the pain of your absence is loud.

As we wrap up another year without you, another year taking in the shock of your sudden passing, another year of missed holidays and birthdays and milestones, please know how loved and missed you are, Leslie. I continue to hold up my promise to you to make every day a beautiful day and to be the best wife to your son and the best mother to your grandsons. There's nothing more important to me than keeping that promise.

Missing you always,
Amber

Mom Conference '15

I follow a blog called 71 Toes. I stumbled upon it years ago, and I've fallen in love with the author, Shawni, and her beautiful family. Mostly, though, Shawni writes about "deliberate motherhood," and she has great ideas and suggestions for how to help your family operate smoothly and for making the most of motherhood. A couple weeks ago, she wrote about Power of Moms, an organization co-founded by Shawni's sister, Saren. Power of Moms offered this great "Mom Conference" for free last week, and I wanted to give it a a try! It was a 3-day online conference of various speakers on various topics. There were about 8 speakers per day, and their online interviews were available only for 24 hours each day before the next round of speakers were posted. It was hard to choose which speakers to watch/listen to given my short amount of available time, but I think I picked some pretty good ones! During each speaker, I actually took notes on my phone because I really wanted to remember what I was learning - and of course, to blog about it here, so I could pass on this great information to other parents out there. Next year, I'd love to get a group together to either watch together and have discussions OR divide up the conference speakers among friends who want to participate and then share what we each learned - again, to get the most out of the free event. I've typed out my notes below for anyone who'd like to know more... each interview/conference is in a different color.

The first conference I watched was, of course, Shawni's interview with Saren. I was most excited to hear what she had to say about "Finding Joy in Motherhood." Shawni discussed a few great traditions that help moms (and dads) feel the joy of being a parent - from Family Movie Night (order pizza, make popcorn, have treats once a week; rotate who gets to choose the movie, and have discussions after the movie) to Sunday Sessions with your kids where each child is interviewed for about 10-15 minutes as they discuss with their mother or father what they want to work on that week (what they can improve on or make a goal of). She discussed trying to focus more on the moment and less on the "doing." She encouraged moms to find their hardest, most stressful moment of the day and make that more enjoyable by connecting with your kids. For example, if you absolutely hate buckling your kids in their car seats every time you leave the house, try making eye contact with them and stopping the moment to say "I love you" and perhaps you will find more connection and joy in that moment than stress and frustration. She also suggested, as she has done in her blog for years, to go watch your children sleeping after a stressful day - just remember these days are fleeting and even after a hectic day when they didn't behave at all, those little kids are still angels and you get to be their mom! Find joy in that.

The second interview I watched was by Saren Loosli (co-founder of Power of Moms and Shawni's sister). She spoke about Family Systems that help organize her home, her family, and her family culture. Her ideas were so great - concrete, do-able ideas that we can start even now with young children. She discussed three types of systems: Legal, Economic, and Family Culture. 

The legal system is simply rules and consequences that the family creates by asking the children what they think the family rules should be and then the parents hone in on 5 big ones based on the little ones (no running with scissors, for instance, can be easily grouped in with other safety rules to have one big rule of "we will be safe"). Saren's house rules are: peace in our home; order in our house; respect each other and belongings, asking, and obedience. Each rule must have clear consequences - usually logical or natural consequences: if stuff is left out, children must clean it up. Makes sense. If siblings are bickering, they spend time on a "repenting bench" or step where the two quarreling children sit together and stay on the bench until they can each admit what they THEMSELVES did wrong (not what their sibling did wrong), then they apologize and then hug before they can be dismissed from the bench. She also talked about some funny games that get little kids to clean their toys up. In her childhood home, her parents would have the "gunny bag" get hungry for toys. The gunny bag could only eat toys and clothes that are left out - and it becomes a fast game for kids to get their toys cleaned up before the gunny bag eats them. On Saturday, he would come back and give the toys back, but if he ate the same toy more than twice, the toy went to Goodwill because it must not be respected enough to be put away. Finally, she gave the idea of "Clean 10" when everyone has to put 10 items away before dinner.

The economic system is how the children earn discretionary money (allowance). She spoke about giving chores to each child in the house as they hit a certain age - to "certify" them in various areas (sink cleaning, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning toilets, loading the dishwasher, dusting, sweeping, bed making). I worked with Banner on towel folding today, actually. He became "certified" in folding our kitchen towels and bathroom washcloths and felt good about the job he learned. :) Once the child is certified in an area, he can sign up for that job on Sunday chore day, and hopefully he'll be excited about the great job he'll do. In addition, Saren has her children be in charge of various "zones" of the house. Each of her 5 children has one zone each month, and she says they seem to take great pride and ownership in their zone. (Zones are usually just rooms - kitchen, play room, living room, etc.) Each child also has an after-meal job so clean up is quick and easy (although, with five children, this might be easier): someone does the dishes, another the dishwasher, another has counter tops, one does sweeping, and one is general pick-up. Finally, their family uses a responsibility chart with five possible points each day of the week. The five points are earned by 1) being at the breakfast table on time and fully dressed (with socks and shoes!), 2) a job point for their after-meal job and keeping their zone clean, 3) a homework/practice point, 4) a bedtime point (clothes are set out for the next school day, rooms are tidy), and 5) a bonus point (perhaps the child did an extra job that day). Points are then turned into money equivalents on Saturday mornings.

Regarding money, the children in Saren's family are able to use their discretionary money when they want. One rule I LOVE is that she doesn't allow impulse buys. If a child wants to use money for something not already on their "wish list," they have to wait 48 hours to buy the item. The parents take a picture with the toy/item, and 2 days later, if they still want the item, they are able to use their own money to purchase it. She claims this cuts down on a lot of tantrums; parents did not say no, and often the kids decide they don't really want to spend their own money on something that was not desperately wanted. I think Banner would respond to this type of rule, and if he were spending his OWN money and not "ours," then he would be more careful in his spending, especially as he gets older.  Saren often tells her children to "check their bank accounts" (once they are 8 years old, they use a spreadsheet to document their money) when they want something; it's their call, not their parents'. They can use their money for approved apps, movies, toys, games. Parents buy food, clothes, and one extracurricular activity. If they want another activity, say soccer in addition to violin parents are already paying for, the child has to pay half. Saren says her children are more devoted and responsible when they are helping pay for the activity. Children can also earn extra money by doing bigger jobs: mowing lawn, washing windows, gardening, etc.

As for family culture, this is the traditions part of family life. Some families have a family motto, cheer, or song. They have special nighttime rituals or dinner table practices. One idea I really liked was the "sweet, sour, service" idea where everyone at the dinner table (yes, make a point to protect family dinner time and eat together as a family) says what their "sweet" moment was, what their "sour" moment was, and what act of "service" they did that day. 

Also, on the second day, I watched a great interview with Amy McCready on "Consequences that Work." Amy talked about the positive side of misbehavior... that misbehavior is something to celebrate as our kids are telling us something big. Misbehavior is not random; it tells parents and educators that children need "attention in their attention bucket." If they are not getting enough attention, kids will act out. Or, perhaps their behavior is a sign that we need to train them better on something - they need education and more practice at something. She went on to discuss what "consequences" are - they are ONLY for repeated patterns of behavior - not for a one-time mistake. There are two types of consequences parents should be considering for misbehavior - neither of which is a "punishment." The first is when a parent stays out of the consequence altogether: natural consequences. If a child doesn't take a coat to school on a frigid day, his natural consequence is that he will be very cold. The parent didn't nag the child to take a coat or warn him of how cold he will be, but instead, he will learn this on his own - which is more powerful than if the parent had to relay this message. These types of consequences yield the best outcomes. The other type of consequence is a logical consequence: the parent "engineers a consequence." The parent gives a statement of what will happen when a natural consequence is not appropriate. For instance, if a child doesn't want to brush his teeth, the natural consequence would be cavities. BUT, parents aren't going to let that happen! So, the logical consequence is, perhaps, that the parent will not allow foods that leaves sugar on the teeth. "I respect your choice to not brush your teeth, but we will have to change your diet so that nothing will turn to sugar on your teeth."

The consequences given to children should follow the 5 Rs. They should be:

• Respectful of the child
• Related to the behavior
• Reasonable in duration
• Revealed in advance
• Repeated back to the parent by the child
• And - the last extra step that parents can follow up with is, "What do you need to do to Remember this rule?"

In addition, Amy discussed her "no rescue policy." Of course, if the behavior only happens "once in a blue moon," rescuing is allowed. If your child NEVER forgets homework or her lunch, it's okay to bring it up to school this one time.  However, if the behavior is happening once a week, we need to work on training the child to remember on her own. Tell the child she is responsible for remembering homework or lunch. Ask her how you can help her remember (maybe laminate a card to hang on her backpack or place a note on the back door). Then, let it go and don't rescue her. Process it when it happens after school: how did it go? Does she need a different reminder? Empathize - no "I told you so..." comments. Instead, "This system isn't working. Let's brainstorm what else you can try."

Amy discussed technology as a privilege. She recommended screens be put away at least two-hours before bedtime since screens can interfere with a child's ability to calm and settle. Phones and tablets should be charged in a common area - NOT in bedrooms overnight. Parents shouldn't watch every move a child makes on the device, but instead, they should "check in" periodically. She also advocates that when a child first gets a phone, that they are trained on a "dumb phone" (a flip phone) to develop and demonstrate responsibility before getting a smart phone. 

Then, she elaborated on various common misbehaviors to discuss possible consequences. For instance, fighting over toys. A consequence would be either play together with the toy or take turns OR the toy goes away. She suggested a "waiting list" be started for the toy, and then kids generally feel that they will have their fair turn soon so they usually move on to a different toy while waiting.  Another behavior she mentioned was getting up and down at the dinner table (a behavior Banner really needs assistance with!). A consequence for this misbehavior could be that the child's plate is taken away if he gets up from the table: "I will assume you are finished with your meal." But, before the parent actually does this, the parent will role-play with the child prior to the meal. The child might even role-play with a favorite stuffed animal and pretend that the stuffed animal got up from the table. The child will pretend to be the parent and take the plate from the animal. This way, when it happens at dinner later, the child is fully prepared and knows what the consequence is, and he will have to decide what choice he's going to make.

On the third day, I watched my most anticipated interview. Saren interviewed her parenting guru parents, Linda and Richard Eyre. They are the authors of Teaching Your Children Values. I checked this book out from the library months ago and decided to wait on utilizing the ideas until my kids were older. However, I got some ideas from their interview that helped me know how to start teaching my boys NOW about some of the values they discuss in their book. I also bought their series called Alexander's Amazing Adventures, an audio program for kids to learn values each month. I haven't started it yet, so we will see in the near future how it goes! Anyway, the Eyres talk about how to directly teach your children values. They talk about role playing, praising, having a monthly focus, giving awards to your children for demonstrating values, etc. They recommend starting with the value of honesty, since everything is based on trust and truth. For little kids, they use a true or false game. Tell the child the sky is green, and they know to say "false." Then, something like "You like mac & cheese," and they say "true." This gets the young child into understanding what a lie and what a truth is. With older kids (elementary age), you can give scenarios and discuss different consequences of a variety of choices. For example: a cashier gave you too much money back. If you don't say anything and accept the extra money, the short term consequence might be that you have extra money to buy more candy. The long-term consequence might be a feeling of guilt or that the man lost money on a sale and has to make up the money on his own.

Other values they touched on were: courage, "peaceability," self-reliance. When they teach courage, they give awards called "Leader for the Right," when the child stands up for something. They discuss how even being a "chicken" takes courage to not give in to peer pressure and to say how you feel about being afraid. They discuss how it takes courage to be honest and courage to try new things. "Peaceability" is calmness. They reiterated their use of the "repenting bench" like Saren had done in her interview and described how they started that in their household years ago - and they told a story about how their 9 grown children all wanted to keep it when the couple down-sized; apparently, each of the kids felt that they learned a lot on that bench and it was a part of them. It's important to teach kids how others are feeling and to help them learn to recognize anger and how to "stay away from that feeling" through appropriate coping mechanisms. They encourage giving responsibility to kids to solve their own problems and not to take them on as your own as a parent. And, finally, self-reliance is taught by having kids earn their own money through jobs. In fact, their own kids learned how to pass items from one child to the other through "sell-me-downs" (as opposed to "hand-me-downs") when kids would trade items by learning to sell things they had bought with their own money. Even giving choices to young children helps them learn to make their own decisions and trust themselves to be self-reliant.

I watched another interview by Marla Cilley, aka The FlyLady, in a conference called "Are You Living in CHAOS? (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)," which was definitely something I needed to hear about! Marla talked about letting go of "perfect" and giving yourself more flexibility to just do what you can when you are running a household where small children live. She reminded viewers that homes are not a reflection of your worth, as many women often feel. She recommended starting small - just empty the sinks and make them sparkle, for example. Once you build that habit into your everyday routines, you can branch out and do other things. She also suggested keeping clutter from flat spaces... definitely a great tip, but in our house that's hard to do because high, flat spaces tend to be where we put things we don't want the kids to reach, so they easily get cluttered with random things (in the early toddler days, that means trash cans on counters and small objects that are swallow-able are elevated on these surfaces). I believe the hardest part is keeping the clutter at bay when it feels like no matter how many times I put the toys and clothes and shoes away, they end up right back where they started: in the wrong place! Little hands undo a lot of my cleaning efforts and it starts to feel pointless. But, it's definitely a good reminder to work on small tasks at a time and not get bogged down by the whole house!

Finally, I watched an encore presentation of Laura Markham's interview called "Raising Siblings to be Best Friends." To be honest, I didn't learn a whole lot from her conference, but she spoke about three distinct things you can do to help your kids be friends: model calm, peaceful responses by keeping our own anger in check; teach conflict resolution skills by walking your children through their disagreements without fixing the problem FOR them; and foster good relationships between your children by providing positive experiences for them (laughing a lot, being silly, creating opportunities to enjoy each others' company). There was a lot of discussion about walking the kids through their conflicts and what to say and what NOT to say, but mostly the more time and energy you spend in the early years teaching them these skills, the easier it will be for everyone as they grow up. The skills siblings learn by resolving conflict peacefully with each other will extend to other relationships in the future: spouses, employers, colleagues, room mates, etc. If we don't teach our kids these skills and increase their emotional intelligence, they risk having difficult relationships later on - getting fired, getting divorced, and so on. While I agreed with a lot of what Laura was saying, I thought it was a lot of common sense that didn't give me much. One thing I did like, though, was some of the wording she used when hearing two sides to the story. Statements like, "I want to hear both of you," "What's your perspective?" "I hear you. Thank you," "Okay, so now we have a big problem. I wonder how we can solve it. What can we try to work it out?" "Do you hear why ___ needs ____?" She also advocates having some physical contact with the child who is not speaking when the other is telling his/her side of the story - a touch on the arm or leg, for instance, while the other child is telling the perspective - so you are listening to one child while engaging with the other so both children feel important and heard. Perhaps the best quotation that came from this segment was the mantra: "Kids need the most love when they deserve it least," which reminded me of the point Amy McCready was making in her interview on consequences - that we need to take misbehavior as a sign that kids need more attention.

I'll definitely participate in the next Mom Conference if offered the opportunity. Not only was it helpful for my family, but I learned a lot that I can carry into my professional life as well. I'm ready to put some of these ideas into action. Sam and I have already created a point sheet for Banner to start rewarding him for special jobs he can take on to contribute to our household and to earn money on his own! I'm excited to see how it goes!

Party Time: Quinn's 2nd!

When planning Quinn's birthday party this year, I knew for sure it was going to be an Elmo theme because most of the year, he has just loved Elmo (and Abby and the other Sesame Street characters). But, as it got closer to him being two-years-old, his infatuation with Legos was far stronger than his liking of Elmo. So, it became an easy decision to switch to a Lego theme. And, I had a lot of fun with this idea. From building a Lego cake with "bricks" of cake and marshmallows to constructing a Lego napkin and fork holder, we had fun thinking up ways to incorporate the theme and using these toys that Quinn loves so much (and of course, Banner, too!). My boys could play with Legos for hours - and so could their daddy - so this was fun for everyone! Here are some pictures from our perfect day today!

The Invitation

Mommy's completed project the night before the big day!

Helpful candle holders! :)

Daddy and Banner made Quinn's name with Legos

Mommy made Lego chalk for party favors

Levi, Banner, and Quinn played chase while waiting for guests to arrive

Uncle Brock was quite the entertainer

Brock flipping Tyce

Banner flipping

Best Buds - Quinn & Ella

Brycen & Nami laughing at Uncle Sammy

Quinn loved hearing everyone sing "Happy Birthday!"

Attempting to blow out candles

"I did it!"

With Levi & Luca

Brock rough-housing with the boys

Happy 2nd Birthday, Quinn Redding!

Look Who's TWO!!

Dear Quinn,
Two years ago, we met and got to hold each other for the first time. Two years - they've come and gone so very quickly! I have so much to say to you, but I don't know where to start! So, I'll start with the simplest, yet most powerful: I love you. I love loving you. I love how well you love your family and friends. You light up the lives of so many people by just being you - a sweet, sensitive, affectionate, snuggly, smart, thoughtful, polite, cuddly boy! You are the epitome of all of those things. At two years old, you are nearly fully conversational - able to string your ideas together, tell us what you want, understand everything we say or ask, and add new vocabulary to your plethora of words on a daily basis. You are so observant - aware of others' feelings, what may have just happened, and even what you can do to be a helper. You pick things up when others' drop them or put things back when they are out of place. You just seem to notice things that need attention. You are great at sharing and taking turns (most of the time!). You catch on to words and phrases that Banner might use, and you copy some of our behaviors - thankfully the more positive ones! You love so fiercely and are happiest when our family is all together. You don't like it when one of us is elsewhere at school or work and will continue to cry or ask for that person.

So, what else have you been up to lately?

-Whenever you want to make a word plural, you add "-es" to the word: sockes, bookes, rockes. It's really kind of cute.

-My favorite expression this month has been "Don't like it." When I'm changing your diaper, you will often say, "Don't like it. Don't like it, Mommy!" Or, you'll try a food and spit it out saying, "Don't like it!"

-Yesterday, we were eating lunch together, and when I offered you some cracker with turkey on it and tried to feed it to you, you said, "Quinn do it actually." I had to try not to laugh. Then, a few minutes later, I set another cracker on your tray, and you wanted it in a different place, so you said, "This one actually," as you moved it to a different section of your plate.

-You started school this past month!! The first week was rocky, but, while you still cry during drop off, your teachers claim you are adjusting very well, and the last couple school days have been much better! You go Monday/Wednesday/Friday. You are with me on Tuesdays and with Grandma on Thursdays.

-You are trying so hard to jump. You're making progress, but you aren't quite getting both feet off the ground yet.

-You can finally say "truck" properly - so you are not cussing. And, we're working on "shirt." :)

-You hate it when I cut your nails. I hate having to do it - but I can't stand a boy with long nails!

-You like trying to use the potty, but you very rarely actually pee in it. You will ask to use the potty, but once on, nothing happens. You do like to take off your own diaper, and at least at this writing, you only do it when appropriate. Dear Lord, I hope that doesn't change. :)

-You would eat donuts or kolaches for breakfast every day if I let you - just like Banner. You're not a big sweets eater - you like to think you are, always asking for cookies or ice cream or a cupcake or chocolate when you see it. But, once you have it, you just hold it and never really put it in your mouth. It basically just makes a huge mess in your hand.

-We celebrated Graham & Greenley's first birthdays, Mommy & Daddy's anniversary, had a play date with Julia Bella and with Blakely (who just moved away and who we will miss dearly because you two play so nicely together!). You got to come to a sonogram to "see" your little brother - but I'm sure you couldn't make any of that image out!

-Speaking of, you know there is a baby in Mommy's belly. You and Grandma were drawing a family picture last week, and after she drew me, you pointed to the belly and said, "Baby." The next day, though, you pointed to your own belly and said, "Baby in there?" I told you no... just food! :)

-You LOVE My Gym classes. I am so glad we did that this summer and continued it this semester. It's a highlight of my week, and I love spending that one-on-one time with you. You play so nicely with the other children, you attempt new equipment and new skills, and you LOVE to help clean up!

-You know your colors, enjoy singing the alphabet and "Twinkle," can count pretty well on most days, and can recount your entire school day to me when I pick you up. In fact, Ms. Tali was super-impressed with that when you told me nearly everything you had done at school one day. I wouldn't have been able to know the WHOLE story without her elaborating, but you walked me through the whole thing, and then she commented that she doesn't even get that much information from her junior high son! :)

-STATS: (To be completed next week after we see Dr. B)

-Other stats: Wearing size 6 overnight diapers, but size 5 diapers during the day. Wearing clothes from size 18 months to 2T. Sleeping 8:00-7:00 (usually takes you about 20-30 minutes to fall asleep, and you often will roll around in your crib until 7:30am). Napping anywhere from 45 minutes to almost 2 hours. Still on Flonase, Zantac, and Zyrtec.

Quinn Redding, I soaked you up yesterday - spending your last day as a one-year-old together just me and you. We went to My Gym, and as we did our exercises and participated in the opening circle time, it hit me that this was it, I'd never have you as my one-year-old again. And, I got a little teary, and I had to fight back tears as I held you snug against me in my lap. OH, how I enjoy you and our time together! I got to put you to sleep last night. I asked you if you wanted to hear the story of your birth, and you repositioned yourself in my arms to lay horizontally in the crook of my elbow like you did as an infant. (That's how you like to be told stories, so when you heard me say "story," you knew to get in that position.) I recounted the morning of your birth and all the people who came to meet you. I told you about how we held each other and cuddled for nearly 4 days straight in that hospital bed. When we snuggle now, I have a hard time NOT thinking about those first snuggles with you. Truly, our cuddles are my favorite.

I forgot to print your "I Believe" before you went to bed, but I'll share it with you tomorrow. Otherwise, we did our basic traditional birthday stuff today: we showered you with balloons in your crib before I had to go to work; we took your birthday pictures in the big chair; and, tonight, we celebrated your big day by going to McDonald's! How classy, I know. Banner mentioned wanting to go, and you would not let that idea go without a fight. Since it was your birthday, you won - and Banner, too, by default. You had a blast there playing after attempting to eat your hamburger. Several times throughout the evening, you would say, "Happy!" or "Quinn happy, Daddy... Quinn happy, Mommy!" And, I absolutely love when you are!

Happy 2nd Birthday, My Love!
It's been a fabulous year! I can't wait to see what this year brings!
I love you so very much!
Love,
Mommy

Your last picture as a one-year-old