The Tunes in Your Rooms

Dear Banner & Quinn,
Music is important in our family. Daddy and I used to make mix tapes and CDs for each other when we were dating, and ever since we got married, on our annual anniversary DVDs I make for him, I include special songs from each year. Furthermore, you both started listening to music from the very first week your ears started working - in utero! At about 16 weeks, Daddy and I would put headphones on my belly and let you hear your first tunes - even though you couldn't really make any sense of it! Since then, we continued to play music for you, and even on the first nights in the hospital, you listened to lullabies. Now, every night, you listen to the same lullabies. These are no "generic" lullabies. Each song has special meaning, and every night, those tunes fill your rooms with the most loving lyrics and calming melodies.

The first set of songs is from an album called A Child's Gift of Lullabies by Tanya Goodman. I first came across these songs when, as mitzvah work for my Bat Mitzvah, I was helping to collect donations for Bryan's House (an organization that helps children and families affected by HIV/AIDS). Someone had donated this cassette tape, and I listened to it, loved it, made a recording of it, and would fall asleep to it for many months to come. When I was pregnant with Banner, something made me look it up on iTunes, and lo and behold, there it was. I was able to get the entire album, and now both of you fall asleep to these beautiful songs every night. I love that they're not the popular well-known songs; they're unique, but I know every word. I love that when you hear them years from now, you will think of your babyhood, your childhoods, and you will feel safe and sound. They will bring you back to this house, to this time in your life, to me.

Following that album, you have different songs on your playlists, but some of the songs are the same. You both have "Baby Mine," by Alison Krauss, and every single word makes me want to wrap you up in my arms and cradle you for the rest of your life! You both have the instrumental (Fred Mollin's) versions of "All I Have to Do is Dream" (a song my dad and I used to sing with each other) and "You'll Be In My Heart" (a song that always reminds me of Daddy and me when we were in high school), as well as Hanan Harchol's instrumental version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (a favorite song Aunt Kira could sing to you any day).

You also have another very special song that could bring me to tears (and often does) nightly as it pours out of your room or through the monitor speaker. It's a song my own mommy used to play, so in some ways it reminds me of my own childhood and all the things I loved about being my mommy and daddy's little girl. But now, it's about you, my sweet sons. Now, it's about how fleeting this time is, and even at the end of a hectic, busy, frustrating, demanding, or tumultuous day, it still reminds me that I won't always have your little bodies to tuck in, your sweet hands to hold in mine, your beautiful beaming eyes staring up at me as I say goodbye to you at the smallest I'll ever know you again. Every day you are getting bigger, so every night, you are the youngest, littlest, smallest I will ever see you again. It makes me cry as I embrace that moment with you, just trying to savor it. This special song is called Goodnight Kiss by Steve & Annie Chapman, and it reminds me every single night that one day, you'll be out in the big wide world on your own, and I won't have you to tuck in anymore:

I count it as a privilege;

I count it cause for praise
To kiss my children goodnight 

at the close of everyday.
For I know too soon they’re up and gone
and walking out the door,
and I’ll never have a child to kiss
good night anymore.

It's very strange how times have changed
from the present to the past.
When did they grow so quickly?
The time has flown so fast.
For it seems that only yesterday
I helped him with his shirt,
Or pat my baby on the back

or kissed away a hurt.

Tell a story, read a book,

wipe a nose or tie a shoe...
They never ask me to rub their back

the way they use to do.
Once it was a bother,
just a troublesome kind of chore.
Now I would give anything
to do it just once more.

"Mommy, bounce me on your knee."
"Daddy flip me in the air."
"Throw a rubber ball to me,"
and "Help me comb my hair."
"Mommy, tickle my tummy,"
"Daddy hold me high."
"Let’s go outside for a ride,
or make a kite to fly."

I count it as a privilege 

I count it cause for praise
To kiss my children goodnight 

at the close of everyday
For I know too soon they’re up and gone
and walking out the door
And I’ll never have a child to kiss
good night anymore...

And I’ll never have a child to kiss 

good night anymore.

You might ask why I'm even writing about these songs today anyway. Well, because I want to document it; I want you to know that it all has meaning and purpose and sentiment behind it. I want you to know that I'm hoping you find comfort in these beautiful songs - when you're missing home or missing me or missing being a kid. I want you to know that these songs will always bring you back - to a time when life was simple and easy, to a time when you were my baby boys, to a time when we were all young and healthy and happy. (I hope we are like this for a long time . . . I have absolutely no plans for this to change). I just know that you WILL grow up, and I know you might miss these days later on, and I want you to know that you can always come back. You can always curl up in your bed, imagine me next to you, and hear me singing these songs to you - because, well, songs do that. That's why music is so amazing. It can fill your heart and soul and bring you right back to a person or a place. For me, these songs bring me to you - always. 

So, know that these tunes are filled with love. Know that they mean more to me than just a sweet sound to lull you to sleep. 

I love you, my sweet little men. I love you so much more than you'll ever know. 

Love, 

Mommy

A Letter to My Older, Wrinkled, Empty-Nester Self

Dear Lonely McForgot-It-All,
Remember reading this blog post on Scary Mommy? Remember how the more experienced mom wrote a letter to her pregnant, childless self and really "let her have it?" Remember how you identified with everything she wrote and how you wish you had known all of this before your babies were born? Well, I have a feeling you are going to need some more information as you get older. You see, I know you very well. You are an old lady, missing your babies, reminiscing about how fun young motherhood was, missing being needed and wanted and constantly talked to. I don't blame you. I think about you a lot. A LOT. I think about how you will finally have your life back but miss these days of having two young sons, a 3-year-old and a 10-month-old. You will sit by yourself sometimes and yearn for the days you were constantly busy with tushies to wipe, boogars to pick, meals to prepare, bottles to make, baths to give, onesies to fold, nails to clip, lunches to pack, boo boos to kiss, spit-up to catch . . . I imagine you don't regret a day you spent away from your career because you had all those many days as a stay-at-home mama to those little people who needed you every moment, and I bet you want them back more than anything.

But, I wanted to take a few moments to share with you all the things you have forgotten about those days. Future Self, you have forgotten all the midnight wakings that made your body hurt as you forced yourself from a deep slumber into your son's dark nursery. You may have forgotten how you would spend an hour swaying with him and rocking him until he was settled back to sleep just to wake up again right when you put him down. You are forgetting how much your back ached and swelled with pain because you were so overtired or tense or frustrated for your snotty-nosed baby. When you finally cave and decide to give him a bottle, you head to the kitchen and trip over a million Legos or accidentally kick a trick-or-treat pumpkin (in JULY for God-sake!) filled with toy trains that rattles enough to possibly wake your toddler, too. Remember that? A house cluttered CONSTANTLY with toys and random kitchen items strewn about your house? Remember the feeling of never getting the house in order and feeling like your cleaning efforts were thwarted every minute? You're forgetting how you would finally settle one son only to be awoken by the other. Now he wants to climb in bed with you. He tells you to scoot over or to give him a pillow. He wants to know what time morning is and how much longer before he can get up. When you tell him to go back to sleep, he says, "P.U! Your breath smells yucky!" You want to tell him his does, too, but you muster some decency and try to model patience and acceptance at 4:00am.

Of course you LOVE how he wants to hold your hand, he wants to cuddle with you. You don't even mind that all the sleep experts say not to let him in your bed.You love this boy so much. You think back to when he was a small infant like his brother, and you are reminded how fleeting these days are. You start to not care if the baby needs you again; after all, he's sick and doesn't feel well. He cries again for you, and when you welcome him back into your soft arms, he immediately falls back to sleep. He's curled up in your arms, snug and safe. His breathing evens out, and you feel the warmth of his body against yours. You pull him up to lay on your shoulder, and you feel his forehead at your chin. His tiny hairs tickle your face, and his little fingers find yours. This IS heaven. Of course you want this back.

But, I'm here to tell you that I AM enjoying those moments. There are MANY throughout the day, and I savor them. I tear up almost daily - still - while tucking the big boy in. As his eyes get heavy every evening in his big boy bed, I have to fight myself to run in there and pick him up, cradle him, rock him, and tell him how much I love him. I do sometimes, as I KNOW you remember, and he smiles and holds my face in his hands, pulls me close, and tells me "You know what, Mommy? I love you, too. And, I'll see you in the morning." Oh, your heart is in a million pieces, and you're forcing yourself to let him just go to sleep already! So, don't think you didn't savor these moments. You do, you did, you always will.

Just remember that these days were LONG. They were grueling. They were frustrating. Remember the days you felt like NO ONE listened to you? You asked the same damn question over and over again and got NO response? Remember how you had the same schedule every.freaking.day? Don't forget how you had to be home every night (for YEARS!) by 6:45 for the start of the never-ending bath, book, bedtime routine. Don't forget the spills, the dumping of a cereal bowl on the couch (ON PURPOSE!), the constant application of sunscreen or bug repellant, the crumbs in the car, the snot on your shirt, the many meals you missed because you were too busy getting everyone else to eat - but they wouldn't, so you had wasted food that was too gross for you to eat (you know, grapes with ketchup on them or grilled cheese sandwiches that had been doused with spat-out milk). I know you'll miss the smell of Dreft (you already do, and you're still using it!), but don't forget how overpriced it is. That and formula... oy, formula. So freaking expensive. And then they turn one, and you're buying three different kinds of milk: whole for the one-year-old, 2% for the three-year-old (and Sam), and skim for me. Don't forget these years of having to move the trash cans up on counter tops so little mouths don't find used Kleenexes or dull razorblades. Don't forget having to "ask permission" from Mom or from Sam to be able to go to the doctor; maybe if they are willing to keep the kids, you can actually go to the doctor alone. Remember waking up at the slightest cough or sniffle. Remember these days of trying to talk openly to your husband and having to spell everything out so little ears didn't worry or get upset or too excited about what you were talking about. Don't forget the years of missing friends or date nights or colleagues or the news or uninterrupted conversations at a family get-together- because you were too busy with these little people.

But, yet, these little people. I know. You miss them. They are big and grown and out of your house. And, you're old and you miss the way you'd worry he'd fall out of his bed because he still turned every which way as if he were still in a crib. You're wrinkled and aging, and they are too. And you miss that they'd talk your head off and ask questions all day long. You yearn for the days he'd want you and only you. You even miss the funny things they'd say, no matter how inappropriate ("I'm going to pull my underwear down and see if my penis is big."). And, oh, those underwear. Yes, you miss those, I know. The cars, trains, or superheroes, the tiny tush, how they're so tiny you don't even try to fold them. You'll miss him running around in them, but maybe you won't miss how he needs you to help him put them back on after he insists on taking them off completely after every bathroom visit, while you're trying to cook dinner or change the baby or go to the bathroom yourself!

So, self, it's okay to be sad. But, be assured that you lived these years well. You hated them a lot of the time. You loved them deeper though. You did things you wish you could take back, I know. You yelled a little more than you wanted. You reacted too quickly or responded too sharply. You rolled your eyes behind their backs, or you cursed under your breath when you couldn't believe he was up AGAIN in the middle of the night. No, you weren't perfect. But, you were you. And you were (and are) human. I assure you, though, that I'm doing everything in my power to make these days memorable for them and for you. I am making you proud, I promise. I am savoring and cherishing, but I am also being real. This is not easy, it's not always fun, it's not always rainbows and butterflies. So, don't remember it like it was. Remember those amazing times, know that they were well spent, and move on. Besides, look at the beautiful kids you raised. I sure hope you can say, "I did a great job. My kids are successful, happy, healthy, and thriving. I'm one accomplished mama." And, then, I hope you can say, "I am SO glad I get to sleep in tomorrow!"

Much love,
Your Much Younger, "Chicken-with-her-head-cutoff," Sleep-Deprived Self

10-Month Newsletter: Quinn

Dear Quinn,
Oh, what an age this is! 10 months already, and you are becoming quite into everything, quite independent at getting around, and quite a little boy! This past month has been exciting, challenging, frustrating, and fascinating all in one! Mostly, it's been a great month! I suppose since I'm writing this on a night when you are on the upswing from being sick yet still after many sleepless nights when you need us to rock you back to sleep numerous times a night, I have been more annoyed than celebratory lately. But, when I look back at the month as a whole (and not my narrow view of the past week), we've had a really great month!

Let me tell you more about it:

-You're waving hello and goodbye! I love this. It's such a fun way for you to communicate with others that you know what's going on. You've arrived, or they're leaving, or we're going, or company's here... you know what to do!

-Another favorite is: you shake your head no. At first I thought it was a sign that you were sick or not feeling well or perhaps had an ear infection, but nope. You truly understand what it means and even shake your head whenever you hear us say "No" to you or Banner or even in general - like if Daddy asks if I'm hungry and I say, "No, not right now," you'll be sitting across the room shaking your head. :) It's pretty hysterical and pretty awesome!

-You're dancing more and more these days. Sometimes I'm not even aware of the music playing - maybe on a toy or on TV, and you'll start bouncing your legs up and down to dance.

-You speed crawl now. You really don't even let your right knee touch the floor. You get from here to there faster with your left knee and your right foot. Pretty darn cute if you ask me! :) You also bear crawl when you need to get around something (like blocks or Legos) or don't like the feel of something (like grass) on your knees.

-One of your favorite places to be is in front of the open freezer door. When you hear the fridge or freezer open, you are immediately on your way to be in it! The freezer is particularly fun for you, and I don't mind when you take everything out of it. In fact, the other day, I needed to make a phone call and you were fussy. To get through the call, I placed you in front of the freezer so you could enjoy yourself and I could talk without noise! Win-win.

-You can stand, but you don't believe you can. If I put a couple items in your hands and you forget that I'm not holding you, you'll stand for a bit on your own. Then, once you realize you're on your own, you very mechanically and gracefully - and with full control - squat down to the floor. I wish you'd believe in yourself and show off a bit!

-You choke during almost every meal at least once. "Gag" is probably a better word. Either way, it scares the crap out of me. I know I wrote about this last month, but I had to write about it again here because it's not improving AT ALL. I've heard this could be related to enlarged adenoids, which I'm not convinced you don't have since you snore every now and then. At 12 months (or earlier!), we're going to an ENT whether Dr. B agrees or not.

-Speaking of eating, you are now eating turkey, chicken, and beef. We introduced these after your 9-month check-up with Dr. B. You love chicken and love deli turkey. Beef - not so much just yet. But, if your daddy has anything to say about that, you'll be loving it pretty soon, I'm sure. :)

-You don't have any words yet, except "mow," for "more." The /m/ almost comes out a /b/ sometimes, but I know what you're saying. When I put you in your high chair, you'll say it, and I finally figured out why you're saying it before we've even started - because Mommy always asks you if you want "more" while we're eating. :) So, for the past couple weeks, I've noticed you say it when you see your bottle, when getting in your high chair, and whenever we say it. I'm trying to teach you that it doesn't mean "food." So, when I give you tickles or kisses and then say, "More?" I'm hoping you get the idea that it means "again," or "I like that, do more!"


-You love to squeal . . . hmm, okay, scratch that. You love to SCREAM, like ear-piercing, deafening, shriekingly loud screeches of screams. It's really cute at first, then it's just plain painful! And the look on your face is priceless... with one eye winking and your mouth wide open that turns into a smile. Sometimes Banner will scream back with you, and then there's no turning back. You two screamers are awful together. I used to worry about what the neighbors would say, but then I realized I could get some payback for all the noise their dogs have produced over the past 6-7 years, so I let you keep screaming! :) Oh, and you like to click your tongue and make popping noises, too. 

-Your naps and night sleep have been WAY off this month. It started because Banner's camp pick-up time was after the start of your second nap. By the time we were getting home from camp for naps, you were overtired. Luckily, a sweet friend has helped pick up Banner so you can get back on track for napping on time! You've also been sick twice this month. The first time was a couple weeks ago when you had been up all night. Daddy and I tried to let you cry-it-out, but it only made matters worse. I was at a very low low not knowing what to do the following afternoon after two awful naps, and then you tugged your ear. I immediately called to see if the doctor could see us that afternoon. 20 minutes later, we were in the office. Surprisingly, it wasn't an ear infection; it was a mouth/throat viral infection called Herpangina. Dr. B's remedy was a mix of Benedryl and Maalox, along with Tylenol for pain. It worked perfectly! A couple weeks later (this week), you weren't sleeping again. (I tend to know when to take you to the doctor based on MY frustration level. If I'm completely at a loss and want to throw you out the window rather than deal with you, I start thinking maybe you're sick. That's kind of what happened with the RSV diagnosis at 4-months-old, too. Everyone says "you'll just know when to take them to the doctor," and I say that's BS. No Mother's Intuition here - just plain old "I have no idea what else is wrong, and I think I need help!" So far, I've been right though, so maybe that is intuition... who knows?!) You had thrown up once (ALL over me, right after finishing a whole bottle before bedtime), and your poop was really runny and leaking out of your diaper numerous times. Finally, I'd had it. So, we took you to the doctor, and it turns out - at least we think - you had a tummy bug last week (Banner may have had it too), and your body got rid of all the good bacteria. Dr. B thinks you developed a lactose intolerance - hopefully temporarily. So, now you're on Acidophilus (a probiotic) and a sensitive formula until your tummy gets back on track. Today was your first normal day of poops. And, your appetite is back! You slept well last night. I'm hoping that's the start of a new trend, but - I've learned not to count on anything!

-One of my other favorite things, one thing that will end one day soon when you get some teeth (YOU STILL HAVE NO TEETH!!), is how you like to kiss and suck on my chin. Just tonight, as I turned your lullabies on, you leaned in for your typical open-mouth kiss. Then, you started sucking on my chin. I know it sounds weird that I like this so much, but you're being affectionate and you giggle after you do it. I know this little thing we have will end once those teeth come in, so I am savoring each "make-out session" until then!

-You are VERY clingy, and separation anxiety is at an all-time high right now, so it's no wonder the staff couldn't get you to stop crying when Daddy and I took you and Banner to the gym to play in the kids' area for the first time. I'm hopeful you'll get over this soon and enjoy playing there because I really need some gym time!

-This month, you celebrated Banner's 3rd, my 34th, Uncle Paul's 40th, Ella's 3rd, and Blakely's 1st birthdays. You had your first swim on Father's Day, you got to play with the Burck's during a fun July 4th visit, you "celebrated" Independence Day, had a photo shoot with Ms. Casey, and went to an orchard! You have become my fellow errand-runner while Banner is at camp. You love looking around the stores and hanging out in the cart (at least for a little bit). And, you've pushed through some awfully hot swim lessons watching Banner splash away with Ms. Patty.

Quinn Redding, you are one of the cutest things ever! I can't get enough of your little body, your ticklishness, your silliness, your softness, your sweet hugs and kisses. I recorded you laughing today. I never want to forget that sweet giggle. I love coming in your room in the morning (more so on the nights you actually slept!) and seeing your sweet face hovering above the crib rail waiting for me to pick you up. Your little fingers perched on the rail, and your big, beautiful eyes peering over the edge. Such an awesome sight, and such a great way to start my day! I love rocking you to sleep each night, watching your face and body relax into a peaceful, secure place in my arms. I love "wrestling" with you when you get all my attention and we are rolling around the floor together being silly. I have a feeling we'll be chasing you around even more sooner than later - with first steps coming quickly! While I can't wait to see that, I am holding on to my baby before he turns into a toddler. . . so don't be in much of a rush! I'm just savoring these days with you - my little baby boy who is eager to keep up with his big brother! Oh, it's coming soon, Quinn. There's enough time for that later - just be my baby a bit longer!

I love you so, SO very much, My Love.
Happy 10 months!
Love,
Mommy

You're starting a scream/squeal here - see the wink coming?

One of my favorites from our photo shoot

America's 238th Birthday!

Banner is very aware of birthdays at this time in his life. He always wants to know whose birthday is next in our family. But, this past weekend, he was excited to celebrate America's birthday - to see fireworks, to celebrate with family and friends, and to eat the yummy cakes we made for such a fun occasion. We started our holiday off by baking an American flag cake (which I made a couple years ago but wanted to try out again). Banner got to watch the whole process, and then he got to decorate his own little cake. That evening, we met the Edwards' for our annual 3rd of July Grandy's meal - which we usually eat at Kaboom Town, but we couldn't go this year, so we settled for a visit to the restaurant and skipped the fireworks.

Then, on the actual 4th of July, Sam and Banner went to visit Jeff, Brooke, and baby Natalie who were in town (Quinn and I stayed home since Quinn wasn't feeling great). After naps, we headed to Zaide's house to hang out with him, Vicki, Uncle Marc, and Aunt Debbi. The boys played and entertained everyone, and then it was time for Banner and I to head to Aunt Jacque & Uncle Freddy's house to eat dinner there. Several hours, a swim, a water balloon fight, and many redirections later, it was time to get up on their (flat) rooftop to watch fireworks! The perfect view there! Once over, Banner and I headed home for a (very) late bedtime! The following morning, we had company at our house. The Burck's were in town! So, we got together to play outside, eat pizza, and be loud and silly! After naps, we went to Blakely's 1st birthday party! I love to watch that sweet girl with my boys! Then, we met up with the Burck's, the Gifford's, and the Edwards' at Babe's for another loud but enjoyable meal! :) Sam headed home with Quinn, and Banner and I went to grab some ice cream with the crew before we had to say goodbye to our fun friends. Such a fabulous and busy weekend we had around here!

Here are (way too many) pictures from this weekend!

My Flag Cake - wait to see the inside below. . .

The "blank" cake Banner got to design

"It's a firework!"

Sam with Baby Natalie - so adorable!

Quinn with Vicki and Handsome

Banner was rockin' out

Zaide's masterpiece

Uncle Marc and Quinn

Aunt Debbi and Quinn

Yummy treats at Aunt J & Uncle F's house

And here's the inside of my cake! :)

Poor Jed

Uncle Brock, Mara, Brycen, Aunt Mischelle, Nami, and Caden

The kids

The kids with Aunt Jacque - love her face!

Caught this pic of Mara jumping off the board - and she wanted me to keep taking them!

Caden's cannonball

Love Banner in the background!

Zach gave the kids some poppers

LOVE these cousins!

Nami Mayes

The Giffords

Up on the roof playing with the glow sticks

Me and my big boy waiting for fireworks

Ready for the show

My boys with Robyn's kids

Quinn (9 months), Asher (4), Corey (21 months)

Eating pizza amongst the mess of toys!

Corey and Ryan playing their guitars for us

Playing tag - Banner refused to put pants on. . . ya pick your battles, people!

Two of my favorite redheads

Avery got this shot of the adults - well done!

Me and my boy, Asher Preston

Best friends

Riley took this one of her daddy and her sister

With my "nieces and nephews" :)

Oh, how I wish she lived in town!

Love this one of Corey - I took it blind, and this is what I got

Then Asher wanted his turn

And Riley wanted hers

Me and my (tired) little boy

Love Cherie here with Quinn!

My boys at Babe's

Riley & Banner. . . she's singing a song, and he's trying to follow

FLASHBACK FUN: 

July 3rd, 2008

July 4th, 2009

July 4th, 2010

July 4th, 2011

July 4, 2012

July 4th, 2013

July 4, 2014

Happy Birthday, America!!