The Tunes in Your Rooms

Dear Banner & Quinn,
Music is important in our family. Daddy and I used to make mix tapes and CDs for each other when we were dating, and ever since we got married, on our annual anniversary DVDs I make for him, I include special songs from each year. Furthermore, you both started listening to music from the very first week your ears started working - in utero! At about 16 weeks, Daddy and I would put headphones on my belly and let you hear your first tunes - even though you couldn't really make any sense of it! Since then, we continued to play music for you, and even on the first nights in the hospital, you listened to lullabies. Now, every night, you listen to the same lullabies. These are no "generic" lullabies. Each song has special meaning, and every night, those tunes fill your rooms with the most loving lyrics and calming melodies.

The first set of songs is from an album called A Child's Gift of Lullabies by Tanya Goodman. I first came across these songs when, as mitzvah work for my Bat Mitzvah, I was helping to collect donations for Bryan's House (an organization that helps children and families affected by HIV/AIDS). Someone had donated this cassette tape, and I listened to it, loved it, made a recording of it, and would fall asleep to it for many months to come. When I was pregnant with Banner, something made me look it up on iTunes, and lo and behold, there it was. I was able to get the entire album, and now both of you fall asleep to these beautiful songs every night. I love that they're not the popular well-known songs; they're unique, but I know every word. I love that when you hear them years from now, you will think of your babyhood, your childhoods, and you will feel safe and sound. They will bring you back to this house, to this time in your life, to me.

Following that album, you have different songs on your playlists, but some of the songs are the same. You both have "Baby Mine," by Alison Krauss, and every single word makes me want to wrap you up in my arms and cradle you for the rest of your life! You both have the instrumental (Fred Mollin's) versions of "All I Have to Do is Dream" (a song my dad and I used to sing with each other) and "You'll Be In My Heart" (a song that always reminds me of Daddy and me when we were in high school), as well as Hanan Harchol's instrumental version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (a favorite song Aunt Kira could sing to you any day).

You also have another very special song that could bring me to tears (and often does) nightly as it pours out of your room or through the monitor speaker. It's a song my own mommy used to play, so in some ways it reminds me of my own childhood and all the things I loved about being my mommy and daddy's little girl. But now, it's about you, my sweet sons. Now, it's about how fleeting this time is, and even at the end of a hectic, busy, frustrating, demanding, or tumultuous day, it still reminds me that I won't always have your little bodies to tuck in, your sweet hands to hold in mine, your beautiful beaming eyes staring up at me as I say goodbye to you at the smallest I'll ever know you again. Every day you are getting bigger, so every night, you are the youngest, littlest, smallest I will ever see you again. It makes me cry as I embrace that moment with you, just trying to savor it. This special song is called Goodnight Kiss by Steve & Annie Chapman, and it reminds me every single night that one day, you'll be out in the big wide world on your own, and I won't have you to tuck in anymore:

I count it as a privilege;

I count it cause for praise
To kiss my children goodnight 

at the close of everyday.
For I know too soon they’re up and gone
and walking out the door,
and I’ll never have a child to kiss
good night anymore.

It's very strange how times have changed
from the present to the past.
When did they grow so quickly?
The time has flown so fast.
For it seems that only yesterday
I helped him with his shirt,
Or pat my baby on the back

or kissed away a hurt.

Tell a story, read a book,

wipe a nose or tie a shoe...
They never ask me to rub their back

the way they use to do.
Once it was a bother,
just a troublesome kind of chore.
Now I would give anything
to do it just once more.

"Mommy, bounce me on your knee."
"Daddy flip me in the air."
"Throw a rubber ball to me,"
and "Help me comb my hair."
"Mommy, tickle my tummy,"
"Daddy hold me high."
"Let’s go outside for a ride,
or make a kite to fly."

I count it as a privilege 

I count it cause for praise
To kiss my children goodnight 

at the close of everyday
For I know too soon they’re up and gone
and walking out the door
And I’ll never have a child to kiss
good night anymore...

And I’ll never have a child to kiss 

good night anymore.

You might ask why I'm even writing about these songs today anyway. Well, because I want to document it; I want you to know that it all has meaning and purpose and sentiment behind it. I want you to know that I'm hoping you find comfort in these beautiful songs - when you're missing home or missing me or missing being a kid. I want you to know that these songs will always bring you back - to a time when life was simple and easy, to a time when you were my baby boys, to a time when we were all young and healthy and happy. (I hope we are like this for a long time . . . I have absolutely no plans for this to change). I just know that you WILL grow up, and I know you might miss these days later on, and I want you to know that you can always come back. You can always curl up in your bed, imagine me next to you, and hear me singing these songs to you - because, well, songs do that. That's why music is so amazing. It can fill your heart and soul and bring you right back to a person or a place. For me, these songs bring me to you - always. 

So, know that these tunes are filled with love. Know that they mean more to me than just a sweet sound to lull you to sleep. 

I love you, my sweet little men. I love you so much more than you'll ever know. 

Love, 

Mommy