Journey to the Knot

Monday, September 30, 2013

My Little "Night Out"

About a month after Banner was born, Sam insisted that I get my cranky, tired butt out of the house shortly after dinner one night. I remember it very clearly. It was July 11... yes, 7/11, which is why I remember the date. I drove around in Sam's car (which is actually my "old" car), windows down, blaring music, and heading to . . . Target! Yes, a mother's heaven when you just need to get away. I headed to the baby aisle and skimmed through a few chapters of a sleep advice book, trying to decide it it was worth it to buy it (which it was) and whether I'd actually really read it once I got home (which I did). I then headed to 7-Eleven for a free Slurpee, my absolute favorite drink, and when I got there so late at night, they were no longer serving free slurpees - in fact, they were sold out of my favorite flavor. Disappointed and annoyed, I decided to continue to just take advantage of being baby-free in my car at night, rolled down the windows again, blared my music, sang my heart out, and drove. It brought me back to my high school days, and immediately I was in tears. I just cried and cried as I sang. I needed that. I needed that time to myself, that time to be just ME, to breathe and soak in my free space - the hot summer breeze blowing through my window, my hair tickling my face, my spirit lifted.

This is such a special memory for me. I love how Sam knew just what I needed. I love how I was able to reconnect with myself - by myself. I love how refreshing it was just to get out alone for about an hour. And, tonight, for the first time since Quinn was born, I had a very similar experience. It wasn't as powerful - mostly because I'm used to this feeling a little bit and I know how to better manage my time as a mom now - but it was amazing nonetheless! I basically just told Sam that I was going to be the one to run a couple quick errands after Banner went to sleep. I went to Babies R Us and Walgreens, and it was the nicest, calmest little outing. I had the funniest little thoughts going through my head as I drove and as I walked the aisles of the store: How annoying is it that Babies R Us coupons exclude practically everything in the store? We saw a coupon this evening for 10% off all feeding items... and the fine print excluded all food, snack, and drinks. I think it's hilarious. I thought about how calm and peaceful the stores are at night and how much nicer everyone is - drivers, store employees, other customers. I wondered if it was a good idea to spontaneously drive the four hours it would take to just show up at my best friend's door and ask her to hop in my car to sing our old favorite songs at the top of our lungs like we used to. I wondered if I should blog about all this. :)

I enjoyed the slow pace of the stores, the breeze of the now-fall air in my car (well, in Sam's car again - but my "old friend" I used to drive throughout college and grad school and everyday until Sam's accident the year before Banner was born), the loud music blaring, the ability to just belt out my loudest notes as I listened to any familiar song that came on the radio, the little tears that sat on my eyelids as I reconnected with myself. I thought about my sister and singing with her in the car. I thought about how in love with Quinn I am. I thought about how, even though our hospital bills are outrageous and they piss me off to no end (the whole insurance crap and what a scam our whole system is!...), my boys and I are healthy and thriving, and I feel so blessed. And, when I got home, I felt rejuvenated, refreshed, and ready for yet another sleepless night. :)

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Big Brother Banner

Dear Banner,
It's been almost three weeks since you became a big brother, and I just had to write you this "quick" letter to let you know how things are going from my point-of-view so that, when you are older, you'll get to read all about how amazing you have been these past few weeks! I have been anticipating some setbacks and regression from you, and although those are still definitely a possibility, I have not seen anything other than positive change in you. You are the most caring big brother, and watching you develop a brotherhood with Quinn has been so heartwarming. Of course, your relationship with him currently rests solely on what YOU decide to do and how YOU choose to respond to him - since he really doesn't have any say so yet. And, I guess I have to give some credit to Daddy and to me for helping you adjust to this big change so well, but, mostly, you are the one who has decided to embrace your role as "big brother" rather than despise it.

From the moment we introduced you to "Baby Brover Quinn," you have been in love with him. You want to hold his hand, know where he is in the house whenever you come home from some adventure, gently stroke his hair, put his paci in his mouth, try to hold him or pick him up, tell him "It's okay, Quinn," when he cries, say "Hi, Quinn!" when he's in the car with you or sleeping on the couch, tell me when he's stretching ("creeching") or crying, and offer him your food. You're pretty understanding, though, when I tell you he can't eat your food because he doesn't have teeth yet or that he only drinks his bottle. You don't seem upset when I have to turn away from you for a few moments to appease Quinn when he's crying. . . in fact, most of the time, you prefer that I help quiet him down.

You seem so proud of him, so ready to show him to your friends and family. You also seem protective of him. For instance, this morning, I took you to the garage to put you in the car first and left Quinn in his carrier in the house for a moment. You said, "Baby Brover Quinn!" to remind me that we need to bring him with us. Of course, I knew that, silly boy! But, it was really neat to know you wanted him to come with us. You have never told him to go away or asked that we not include him. You always include him in the list of your family, you say "I love you, Baby Brover Quinn!" without prompting, and you willingly take out your paci at night to give him a gentle kiss on the head..... I wish I could say you do the same for ME - but you insist on giving Mommy a "paci kiss" with your pacifier still in your mouth.

Speaking of, the only change I have really seen in the past few weeks is your ignoring of me, especially on the day Quinn & I came home from the hospital. I don't know if you were afraid of me since I had "boo-boos" on my tummy (and my back due to an allergic reaction), or if we just hadn't seen each other at home in 5 days, or you weren't sure how to share me, or ... I don't know. It was a hard day for me, and while it's getting a LOT better - especially since Daddy went back to work and Grandma went home (after spending the night at our house for 2 weeks straight) and I have been back "in charge" - I would still love for my cuddly boy to come back to me completely. You much prefer Daddy or Grandma right now, at least it seems that way to me. And while that's pretty normal for you to go back and forth between preferring Daddy or Mommy, I miss you wanting me. I miss you listening to me (although this is a skill we are working on no matter who is speaking to you!). I miss our outings (and I think you do, too). I miss how you used to come up to my leg and just hug me. You are testing me these days - and I am not letting up. My rules are consistent, and I think you're trying to see if that's still the case... but I miss knowing you feel connected to me.

It's definitely better now than before - you're calling for me again when you need something - rather than just Daddy, and you tell me you love me when I tell you I love you (which you weren't doing last week). I try to remember that sometimes the ones we love the most are our "punching bags"when our world is flipped upside-down and that you know I'll never leave you, that I'm always here, and that no matter how you react to this situation, I will be here loving you no matter what! This has been a big adjustment - no question - and things just aren't as they used to be - so if you need time and need(ed) to push me away for a bit, that's okay with me. I will never push you away, though! And, I hope you know just how much I love you, how you are still my sweet, special boy, and how very proud of you I am.

Last Saturday night, Grandma left to go back home after spending many nights here with us (as I mentioned above), and I cried a little when MY mommy left because change is hard for me and not knowing how to be a mommy to two is scary. Later that night, I curled up on the couch with you to watch the "Farm" episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. Listening to our familiar songs and cuddling with you brought streams of tears to my cheeks as we sang along with Farmer Josh. And, I've been homesick for you as I have struggled with this recovery and haven't been physically able to be the one to bathe you or put you to bed (although by now, we're about back to normal). So, maybe you were hurting a little too, and maybe you need(ed) your space as you figure(d) out that you're still one of the most important things to me on this planet.

I am more than pleased with how you have treated Quinn, how you have welcomed him into your life and into your home. I know this could change as he starts wanting your toys or taking your things, and you will - no doubt - have fights, disagreements, arguments, and wrestling matches with him as you grow up together. But, these first few weeks, you have made me one proud mommy. You never cease to amaze me with your resilience during transitions and changes. Quinn is one lucky little brother to have you in his life playing the starring role of "big brother!"

I love you so, so much, Angel!
Love,
Mommy

Just wanting to sit next to Quinn while on the iPad

*After publishing this post, we had our first "incident." You were talking quietly and sweetly to Quinn and gently rubbing his hair as he slept on the couch next to me. All of a sudden, you popped him on the head with an open hand. It was a pretty hard hit. You were not trying to be mean or hurtful. In fact, you were a little startled at my reaction and Quinn waking up with a fierce cry. I immediately said, "No, sir! We do not hit! You may not hit your brother. That hurts!" Your bottom lip puckered out and your eyes filled with tears, and you tried really hard not to start crying. I picked Quinn up, and I told you that he was crying because you hit him. I am not sure you understand that he has feelings and things hurt him. I want you to understand this so you know how your actions affect him. I was certainly upset that this happened, but I was pleased at your reaction of remorse and regret. You were definitely sad that he was hurt and that you had caused him pain, and we talked about it as you continued to fight back tears. I asked if you were sad, and you said yes. I asked if you felt like you needed to cry, and you just continued to push that quivering bottom lip out. I hugged you and told you it was okay to cry, and you did. . . for about 10 minutes you cried, and you asked for Daddy and for Grandma. Quinn is okay, and so are you. I know this is the first of many "accidents" as you learn that he's a fragile and delicate baby. I'm trying so hard to keep you from not only hurting him but from getting yourself into trouble or from making choices that you'll regret. I have to protect both of you. I'm sorry this happened, but I'm still very proud of you!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Bringing in Quinn

Dear Quinn,
This is my first official blog post to you! Welcome to it! :) I am full of so many things to say to you, so deciding where to start is difficult. I've already written you a letter about what my hopes and dreams are for you and all about your conception, about your family, about your brother, but this letter is about your birth and about our first few days with you. But, the first thing I want to say to you is how in love with you I am! You have stolen my heart, sweet boy. You are such a special gift, and I am enjoying every moment with you. . . . even as you sleep next to me pooping in your diaper!

Your birth was significantly different from your big brother's. I knew you would be a C-section, and I knew the day you were going to be born going into my "labor day." In fact, I never even had labor with you. Because I had a C-section with Banner, my OB/GYN's policy was that you would also be a C-section, assuming I kept him as my doctor. Because I actually like the idea of knowing more and having some control over a stressful, unpredictable situation, I decided I was all in for a scheduled C-section. Although I knew you could have come at any time before our scheduled surgery date, I was pretty sure you would hold out and we'd make it to that date: Monday, September 9th, 2013. What I love about your birthday is that it's three days after Daddy & my anniversary, it's on the 9th, just like Banner's (in June), and it's a double (9-9) - and according to NaNa, your Bubbie loved doubles.

Luckily, there were no signs of you coming before your scheduled delivery date, and Daddy and I were able to take our time packing up, cleaning the house, and saying goodbye to Banner in the morning. He slept in that morning - we actually had to wake him up. Aunt Kira spent the night to be able to take Banner to school, and she was in Daddy & my room when Daddy brought Banner in. Before we headed out, I told Banner that Daddy and I were headed to the doctor. He said, "Hopital?" (Hospital?), and I said, "Yes!" Then he said, "Baby brover?" I said, "Yes. You're going to meet your baby brother today!" He then looked at Aunt Kira with the widest, happiest eyes and biggest grin. He was so happy! He said, "Baby brover come out Mommy's tummy?" and I said, "Yes!" And, again, he was filled with joy and happiness, smiling big and jumping on our bed! Then, Daddy and I headed to the hospital where we were quickly checked in and escorted to our room where I was going to get prepped for surgery.

This was vastly different from my previous birth experience. I was calm, I knew what was going to happen, I was not in any pain or discomfort. Grandma came to be with us before surgery, and before the nurse escorted me to the operating room, we asked for some time alone - just Grandma, Daddy, and me. At that time, Daddy and I read a prayer I had written and said aloud with Daddy the day Banner was born. So, both of you had the same prayer and blessing read before we brought you into this world. I cried while I read this prayer, and I felt the deepest longing for you to be healthy and for your delivery to be smooth and safe. Then, Grandma joined us in saying the Sh'ma, as tears continued to stream down my face. And, soon, I was being walked to the OR where I received my epidural, and then Daddy came in to join me.

The doctor took a while to come to the OR (even though I had already seen him while the nurse was prepping me). I was getting very anxious waiting for the C-section to start as I laid there on the operating table cold, numb, and nervous. Time seemed to slow at that point, and I kept wishing the doctor would walk in already to start the procedure so I could meet my baby! Once the doctor arrived and they started operating, everything began to speed up, and a few moments later I heard your first cry.

I remember closing my eyes and being more than relieved to hear your strong cry. It was stronger than when Banner was born - his was weak and quiet at first because he had been in distress. But yours was powerful and continued to be strong and loud. Within seconds, the doctor held your body up so I could see you over the sheet. My first thoughts were that you were such a big boy and that you were so pink. And, I couldn't keep my eyes off of you as they cleaned you off and weighed and measured you. Daddy was taking lots of pictures, and he kept checking on me, too. He even said, "I don't know where to go! I want to be next to both of you." I told him to go be with you, and soon after, the nurse put you in my arms. I got to hold you and check you out - and you got to listen to my voice and slowly open your eyes to check ME out. It was our first moment together, and remembering it now makes me tear up. I'll never forget holding you up close to my face and stroking your soft cheek as you opened your eyes to meet me and the world.

Then, you and Daddy went to the recovery room to wait for me. Once I got you back in my arms, we laid together skin-to-skin for about an hour or so. When I was ready, and you were showing signs of being ready too, I slowly led you down to my breast where after a few tries, you finally latched on to me and started sucking - our first of many successful feeding moments. This was a big deal to me and to Daddy. In fact, Daddy told me he was pretty emotional watching us together because he knew how much I wanted this to work for us. Both of us were amazed that this moment was actually happening!

More time passed as we got to nuzzle and cuddle together, and then it was time to meet the family. Once we got settled in our hospital room, Daddy went to get Banner from the waiting room - which he had been in with your aunts (Gayle, NaNa, and Kira), Zaide, and Grandma. We let Banner "help Daddy" bring you to me, and he got to meet you for the first time. He kept coming over to my bedside throughout his visit to ask, "Mommy, how you feeling?" (He is a sweet, thoughtful boy - you will really like him!!)

Next, Zaide and Grandma came to meet you. They got to watch as Banner gave you a gift and you gave him a gift. He gave you some stickers with your name on it as well as a "Lil Bro" onesie. You gave him a Big Brother book, a doctor costume, and a "Big Bro" shirt. Soon, Aunt Gayle, NaNa, and Aunt Kira came in. I loved sharing your name with all of these special people, and I loved watching each of them get a turn holding you. There was lots of discussion about who you look like, and everyone has their own views - some said you look just like me, some say you look just like Daddy, some said a perfect mix, and some said just like Banner. I'm still undecided - after all, you are YOU! You look just like Quinn - just as you should! :)

The rest of the day was spent welcoming more visitors - Papa, Uncle Erick, Uncle Brock, Aunt Mischelle, Caden, Mara, Brycen, Nami, Uncle Paul, Big Boss, Ansyn, Tyce, Cherie, and Jed. We were sending emails to family members and close friends, posting on Facebook, texting to our friends, taking lots of pictures, and just snuggling with you! Banner came back up after his nap, and when he walked in to see you again, you were swaddled in a blanket and starting to chew on it. Banner said, "Baby Brover eating blanket?" He was so curious about you, wanted to touch and hold you, and kept asking how I was feeling.

I had been doing great, and you and I were getting the hang of the feeding thing, although your suck (just like Banner's) was beyond strong, which equaled PAINFUL for me! (More on that in another post!) But, later that night, my back started itching pretty badly. I kept asking Daddy if there was anything there that he could see. All he could see was the epidural still in place, which the nurse took out the following morning (Tuesday). By Wednesday morning, my back had turned very red, and it continued to itch. When I'd get up to walk or to take a shower, it would get even worse - bright red, itchy, and angry looking. Apparently, I had an allergic reaction to the adhesive tape used in keeping my epidural in place. It was truly awful! But, I kept thinking that I'd rather be the one in pain than you. I was still so thankful that you were healthy and safe.

Speaking of, your doctor came to check on you Tuesday morning. He noticed a heart murmur which frightened me so much! I had been concerned about your right eye tearing and looking gunky, and here he was talking about your heart! I don't know that I heard much more of what he said because I was so concerned about your little heart. MY heart! Oh, how it ached in that moment. I was hormonal, itchy, in pain, and now terribly worried about you. As Dr. B began to say his goodbyes, I just looked at Daddy and burst into tears... unable to hold it back any longer. Dr. B asked what's wrong. All I could say is, "His... heart...." through tears and gasps and a definite "ugly cry!" Hiding my face with my hands, I tried to control myself, but that was beyond difficult. Dr. B told me not to worry that he sees this all the time, and that most babies hearts are just transitioning from the womb to outside, and the valves need time to adjust. He said he believed the murmur would be gone the following day, but he just wanted to let us know in case we needed to get a consult or it was more than "just a murmur." I appreciated him telling us, but it was frightening and worrisome. He told me that we pay him to do the worrying and that I shouldn't worry about it. Easier said than done! When my nurse came in a few minutes later, I was an emotional mess. She, Petrina, was so sweet. She kept reassuring me that they DO see this all the time, and it's usually nothing - that it was perfectly normal. But, she also reassured me that I was, in fact, a mother - and there was nothing for me to do BUT worry. She reminded me that I was just doing my job, that no matter how old you get - I will always worry! She didn't make me feel embarrassed for crying, and I just let it all out.

Shortly after, Grandma and Banner came up to see you, and of course, seeing MY mommy made me burst into tears all over again. I told her what was going on while Daddy took Banner for a walk around the hallways. Oh, hormones and my mommy heart! They kept me crying throughout the day, but holding you and feeding you just elated me as we kept bonding and growing more connected. That day, Banner opened (probably) his favorite gift from you: an Ice Cream Truck Mater die cast. When he opened it, he was perhaps the happiest I've ever seen him, and it was like he thought you were the coolest kid ever for getting him his most prized possession. He seemed to light up as he wondered how you possibly could have known that he LOVES ice cream trucks, LOVES to watch them on YouTube, and LOVES the Mater Ice Cream Truck video the most! Such joy in that kid in that moment! Playing with it kept him entertained for a good half-hour at least!

The rest of our stay at the hospital was filled with more visitors (Miles, Gretchen, Avi, Logan, Aunt Jacque, Marin, Landry, Uncle Greg, Aunt Julie, Aunt Karen, Trace, Pierce, Uncle Barry, Aunt Susie), more gifts and gift-giving, and bonding with you! Daddy and I loved just looking at you, in such awe of this life before us: your skin so delicate and soft, your hair so brown and curly, the dimple we saw on your right cheek (still not sure if there's one on the left yet!), the little dent in your chin like mine, the color of your eyes and how they go back and forth between looking blue and looking brown, your long big toe and how your other toes look just like mine, the tininess of your tushy, and how you have peed more on other people than in your diaper perhaps! (You peed at least 5 times before the OR nurse could even get a diaper on you while she weighed and measured you. You also "tagged" Daddy in the OR! And, after your second bath at the hospital, you not only "tagged" your nurse, Donna, but you managed to pee across the room, sprinkling the floor about 3-4 feet away!)

Just like after Banner's birth, Daddy and I enjoyed our "alone" time to marvel at our son. We did a lot of holding you. . . in fact, I don't think you were in your little crib there for more than a few minutes at a time - even at night! We were both such suckers for you wanting to be held, and I LOVED holding you. (Still do!) We just tried to savor our time with you and with each other. On our third night, Daddy gave me a gift and a card that will forever be one of my favorite gifts. His card was perfect (he always does find the most perfect greeting cards!), and on the inside, he had written the most beautiful message to me - thanking me for sharing my body with our children, telling me how proud he is to be my husband, friend, roommate, and co-parent, looking forward to raising you in our family of four, and then telling me how he decided upon the gift he wanted to give me. He wrote:

"I thought hard on an appropriate push present for you with Quinn. Money is tight - tighter than when B was born, so I'm sorry there aren't as many diamonds - but please know my love for you is the same (if not more) as when Banner was born. The best gift I could think of is for you to carry on with something you already do that my mom did so well: love. I gave you both this necklace years ago - a circle, representing the eternal bond of love. Today, I'm giving you the necklace I gave her to honor in particular the eternal bond of a mother and her love of her children. I hope you'll be able to wear it around your boys every now and then, not only to carry a piece of my mom with us in our daily lives, but to remind us of the unique, special love you give to both our boys every day - a love that can never be replicated or bested by anyone but you."

To say I was in tears before even finishing his message is an understatement. I immediately hid my "ugly cry" face as I took in these heart-felt words and this huge idea to give me such a meaningful gift. I still tear up thinking about how special this gift is and how much it means to each one of us on so many levels. Damn, your daddy is a good man!

Since we left the hospital, you've continued to do very well! You love the sound of water, enjoy having your hair washed (still no real baths yet until your cord falls off), love being held, like being swaddled, and are so beautiful! Your big brother calls you "Baby Brover Quinn," as if that's what we named you. We've told him he can just call you Quinn, but he still calls you this long name! He loves to stroke your hair gently, to put your paci in your mouth even if you're sleeping, to try to pick you up, to hold you, to hold your hand. When he gets home from school, he immediately asks, "Baby Brover Quinn is?" to find out where you are. You did great at your 1-week check up: no more heart murmur (which the doctor never heard again after that first time), your right tear duct remains clogged which makes you tear and we have to continue with the eye massages, you're gaining weight since leaving the hospital, and you are meeting the little milestones already in place for a little one-week-old baby (smiling in sleep, looking at faces).

I, on the other hand, have not done great with this recovery. I had such an easy pregnancy and delivery with you, but this recovery is slow and problematic! My back continued to stay red and itchy even after a fourth night in the hospital to try to find a medication to help me with the allergic reaction. And, by Saturday night (the second night home), I began to itch throughout the trunk of my body: chest, belly, hips. After I spoke to the doctor on Monday, he referred me to a dermatologist, and that doctor thinks I'm having yet another allergic reaction, but this time to the pain medicine I've been taking. Thank goodness, the medicine she prescribed has helped the redness and alleviated some of the itching in only one day. I know I'm on the mend, but I can't wait to be more comfortable in my own skin to take even better care of you and Banner. I still have my staples in from my C-section incision, and I won't get those taken out until this coming Monday (two weeks post-delivery) because the doctor couldn't use any adhesives given my previous reaction. Can't wait for those to come out! :)

But enough about me... this letter is to YOU! The other big event that's happened so far is your bris. We met at Big Boss's office to have a private ceremony with just Rabbi Stern, your grandparents, and Daddy and me. You did great! Big Boss circumcised you, and then you were blessed by your grandparents, by us, and by the rabbi, and you had your first taste of wine (gotta love you some Manischewitz!). Daddy and I then talked about the specialness of your Hebrew name and whom you are named after. I can't wait to tell our family and friends more about this and how you came to be known as Quinn Redding at your naming in a couple months.

Here are some other important stats I want to record:

Birth weight: 7 pounds, 14 ounces
Left hospital at 7 pounds, 7 ounces
Current weight at one-week check-up: 7 pounds, 9 ounces
Height: 20 inches
Head: 37 cm
Apgar ratings at 1-minute-old: 9
Apgar ratings at 5-minutes-old: 9
Passed hearing screening as well as the congenital heart disease screening
Eating about 2.5-3 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours (I stopped nursing a few days after you were born... more on that in another post)
Sleeping lots - but you definitely have day and night mixed up because you sleep more during the day and sleep seems deeper then, too. Hoping to change this soon!

Quinn Redding, we are so blessed to have you in our lives. I cannot describe my love for you - nor could I ever explain it or tell you the depth of this love. In the 10 days I've known you, I have cried at least once each of those days while holding you, as I think about how gorgeous you are, how grateful I am that you are here in my arms, that you are healthy and so very strong. I cry because I'm so happy and overwhelmed with gratitude for you and your precious life. I cry because I'm sad that my sweet newborn will only be this tiny and tender for such a short time. I cry because these early days are fleeting and (way too) fast! I cry because I'm excited to get to know you more, to become your biggest fan and most adoring advocate, to watch you meet milestones, to witness a brotherhood develop with Banner, to watch you grow and learn. I cry because I'm so appreciative that I get a front row seat as you grow from a tiny little baby into a curious little boy. . . and eventually into a big boy and then man. And, this will happen in - what will feel like - a blink. But, oh, I can't wait to enjoy this journey with you!

I love you so much, my baby!
Welcome to the world, welcome to our home, welcome to my heart!
Love,
Mommy