Day Out with Thomas

Today, we had the most amazing morning. I just wanted to document the fun times we had at an event called Day Out with Thomas. Sam and I surprised Banner with a trip to Grapevine to meet and ride Thomas the Train. He was SO excited when we told him first thing this morning. I let Sam have the honor of telling him - and once he did, Banner threw his arms around Sam and gave him a big hug. We could tell he was super-excited about this idea!

Once there, Banner was even more excited. He wanted to see what all there was to do before we boarded the train. He played with his trains on numerous train tables, and he was in heaven! He didn't know which table to start at! Then, it was time to line up in the boarding area. He was excited to see the conductor, and he liked watching Thomas pull in to the station. He got to see the train tracks up close and how the train cars sat on the rails. As we walked up the steps of our car, he said, "This is gonna be a bumpy ride!" . . . to which I said, "I hope not! I think it will be a smooth ride!"

Then, we got to wave goodbye to the people outside the train. It was about a 25 minute ride, and Banner loved it. He was curious about our surroundings, he liked going over the bridges and watching the cars stop on the road for our train to cross, and he listened for the train's whistle. When our ride was over, we took a couple photos with Thomas and then headed to the model train tent. After that, we had a lunch of corn dogs, blueberries, banana, and funnel cake... yum! :)  Banner ate really well, and then he wanted to play in the big sandbox. He could have played there all day, but he easily said goodbye to the sandbox to go ride the small train before we left for the day - which he rode after a brief stop at the petting zoo.

As we left, we talked about how much fun we all had, and Banner said, "Thank you, Mommy and Daddy, for taking me here!" His smiles throughout the whole trip made the event worth it, but hearing him show his gratitude was icing on the cake!

This cup from Nami's birthday party came in handy (and perfect) for today's adventure!

30 Things in 30 Days (#2: Fears)

Yesterday, I started 30 Things in 30 Days. I will be completing a list of writing topics to share more about me with my kids. One day, I hope they'll read this list and learn more about me, my thoughts, my history. Today's topic is definitely more intense than yesterday's light-hearted randomness.

Day 2: Describe 3 Legitimate Fears You Have and Explain How They Became Fears

I'm lucky that very little of the everyday "mundane" things scare me. I'm not terrified of heights or thunderstorms or airplanes. I'm not afraid of snakes or spiders. I try to avoid cockroaches, rodents, tornadoes, and generally having a crowd of people looking at me, but I wouldn't say they are "legitimate" fears. The fears I have are huge, and they are the existential fears most parents have.

1.  My number one fear is something horrific happening to one or both of my children. I worry for their safety and health all the time, like all parents do. My heart skips a beat when I see the school calling my cell phone. I get excited to hear that my kids are healthy after each doctor's appointment, as I never take their good health for granted. I don't take my eyes off Banner at a playground, especially since he's a "runner." The stories in the news or circulating on Facebook don't help alleviate any of these fears - childhood cancer, school shootings, sexual abuse, abductions. I cannot imagine (and I hope I never come close to having to imagine) how parents deal with their child being in pain or hurt or betrayed in such horrible ways. I have to say, too, that this fear started the minute I knew I was pregnant with Banner. Once that stick showed I was carrying a baby, the fear of losing that baby showed up, too. It's the ONLY thing I cannot stand (okay, I can't stand the reflux/indigestion either) about being pregnant: the constant fear that something will go wrong or be wrong with my baby.

2.  The second fear I have is death. And, not just mine. Too often, I'm anxious about something happening to my loved ones. Maybe since Sam's accident, maybe since Mom's 2nd round with breast cancer, maybe since Leslie's sudden, unexpected death, maybe since my friend lost her husband suddenly... not sure which caused it, but I'm so scared of losing my family. When my mom is on a flight, I'm a wreck. When Sam takes a road trip, I'm uneasy. And, again, there are too many stories in our faces all the time about a child losing his/her parent at a young age. I don't want my kids to know a life without me (or Sam) until we have met THEIR grandchildren! I blog for them - so that they will remember me if, God-forbid, anything happened that prevented me from being here to tell them all about when they were this little. In the event of my death, Sam has strict instructions to publish every blog post that hasn't been published yet just so the kids would see everything I've written. I want them to know my recipes, our daily lives, our big events, my feelings about how they're growing and changing, what they are like through MY eyes. 

3.  My third fear is that my memory will fade. My dad's mother, my Granny, had Alzheimer's for many years before she died when I was 16. She was put in a nursing home when I was only 4. I would hate to have lived such a great life only to end up not remembering any of it or anyone in it. I've always feared that the ultimate irony would be that someone like me with an amazing long-term memory would end up with Alzheimer's and forget it all. So, again, I write... to remember, to reflect, to record. Because one day, even if I can't be the one to tell them all about it - my writing can. And maybe, just maybe, it will be the one way I can find my way back if my memory gets lost.

30 Things in 30 Days (#1: Randoms)

So I found a blog via Pinterest. Personally, I hate Pinterest - always making me feel like I should be doing more, and when I actually try some of the recipes/ideas/creations, most often, it's a complete fail. But, I found this pin a long time ago, and I decided I should try this on my own blog for my kids and for them to know more about me one day. And, if anything, it gives a great springboard for writing. So, without further delay, I present to them: 30 Things in 30 Days!

Day 1: List 20 30 Random Facts About Myself

1. I taught myself how to juggle in college. I can only juggle up to three items, but I'm pretty proud of myself for learning on my own - as an assignment for a "Kiddie PE" class all Elementary Education majors had to take.
2. I had a 2nd-3rd degree burn on my left foot when I was 8 years old. I got it right before my dad remarried, so in the pictures at his wedding, I have one shoe on and only a sock on the other. The burn happened when I was jumping on a pile of sand in front of Dad's house one dark night in December. Turns out, it wasn't just sand. There were leaves burning within the pile. I felt a burn in my foot and starting "dancing" around. Brock made fun of me and told me to stop goofing off, while I desperately tried to get my shoe off.
3. My favorite candy is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They remind me of my Grandpa who used to bring them to me after school when he'd pick me up. No better combination than peanut butter and chocolate.
4. For my Bat Mitzvah, I did mitzvah work at Services for Visually Impaired Children. 
5. I'm very indecisive about little things (what sandwich to order, which dress to buy, what to make for dinner), but on the big stuff - I know right away what I want and don't budge (what car I want, what couch to buy, Sam!, what I want for my boys).
6. I have a very good memory. I remember birthdays, songs, where I was when this or that happened. 
7. When I was a baby, I nearly lost my hearing from a bad ear infection. Unrelated to that, though, I've always wanted to be a fluent American Sign Language (ASL) signer/interpreter. I know a lot of sign language and taught it a few summers at a summer camp in town, but I want to know much more. I love the language and the culture of the Deaf community.
8. I was on the sixth grade traveling volleyball team at my elementary school. And, I was good!
9. When I was a baby, the doctor told my mom that I had a short leg extension - which meant I wasn't going to be very flexible, and I'd never be a good runner. He was right. While I ran track in junior high, I was never very fast. Brock used to say, "Is she even moving??" And, once while I was running a mile with my 3rd grade class in elementary school, a woman who knew my mom saw us running outside. She told my mom I was the fastest in the class - that I was ahead of everyone. When my mom told me this story, I told her that was not true - that I was behind; everyone had lapped me. :) And, while I was a gymnast as a kid - I definitely wasn't as limber or flexible as my little sister.
10. I pantsed Brock outside our hotel at Disney World. Mom wasn't happy.
11. I placed out of 36 hours of undergraduate work going into my freshman year at UT - many of them claimed as "A's". I started as a sophomore, and I had completed all of my minor (Spanish) without taking a class there.
12. My GPA was the exact same in undergraduate as it was in graduate school: 3.95. (Two B's in undergrad, 1 B in graduate. The B's were in Greek Mythology, Psychology of Language, and Statistics and Research Design.... all of which I'd LOVE to take over again for the A!)
13. I miss my Grandma everyday. Her death was the only one I have witnessed, and it was the most beautiful yet scariest moment of my life.
14. I miss elementary school, I loved high school, but I absolutely hated junior high. If I could erase any time of my life, that would be it. Not because of anything I did or didn't do, but because of that stage in my life. It was awful. I vividly remember overhearing conversations in the girls bathroom while I was in one of the stalls - thinking I cannot wait til I am done with this place!
15. Every time I see butter melting in a pan, I think of the words "of course." I have NO idea why, but it brings me back to my old house in Plano when Mom was making pancakes. I wasn't older than 4 or 5 then, so it had to be that Mom said those words while I was watching the butter melt in the pan?? I have no idea.
16. I have a scar on the left side of my upper forehead from getting pushed out of bed and into the corner of the nightstand in our Disneyland hotel room in the middle of the night (at the age of 3). Thank you, Brock.
17. I never had any detentions throughout school. Once, I got a demerit for parking in the wrong lot in high school, but Mom called the school to explain why when it was because all the Peer Helper spots were taken, and it was either park in the wrong place or be late for 2nd period Spanish. Demerit gone.
18. My hair was stick-straight when I was a little girl. In fact, my mom would curl it with a curling iron or with curlers, and it wouldn't hold a curl. But, when I was 10, I got a perm. It never went away. (What probably happened was puberty, and my hair just changed, but we named this perm after my hairdresser: "Patti's Permanent Perm.")
19. I rarely get the chance to do it now, but I absolutely LOVE driving in the evening with my windows down, music blaring, and singing my heart out. If only no one was watching! :)
20. I'd much rather be cold than hot. I hate sweating. (There's a reason I was a swimmer in high school - avoiding sweating and only being hot from a good work-out - which was easily remedied by getting back in the cooling water.)
21. Pretty much as far back as I can remember, I hate drinking after people. I hate sharing drinks. Even when I was 16 years old in Israel, and we were hot as hell hiking in the desert, I hated sharing the canteens that were being passed around. But, I did it - and my friends congratulated me that day. Lately, when Banner takes Quinn's cup and drinks from it (and gives it back or not), it bothers me.
22. When I was really little, I thought if I spun around one way that my body would be all twisted up unless I spun the equal number of times the opposite direction. To this day, I still resist the urge to  "undo" a spin/twist. (I might even lose the battle sometimes.)
23. When I was in high school, my closest girlfriends used to come over to study every Thursday night at my house. We'd do our math homework first, then we'd quiz each other on the next day's vocabulary test for Spanish class, or we'd work on the next project for English. We'd always stop studying to watch "Friends" and then study more before watching "ER." At some point, our little group grew to include not only people from our high school but our BBYO friends from other schools. People would bring their own dinner, work on homework, flirt, or just hang out. It became known as "Friends Night," and it was awesome. My psychology teacher, Dr. Bob, who was also the Peer Helper program sponsor, told me he thought it was the best idea for teens to have this group of people there for them every week. I looked forward to Friends Night throughout those last two years of high school, and I agree with Dr. Bob. Every teen should have a group like ours, and every teen should have parents as cool as mine to let that many kids hang out every week.
24. Some of my favorite papers I ever wrote for school: my "word paper" my senior year in high school for Ms. Prater (my word was "adultery"); my American English paper about my family history and how Yiddish is part of our family language (my professor was inspired by my paper that junior year in college to start exploring the Yiddish influence in American English), and my Rhetoric of Adolescent Girls paper from my sophomore year entitled "Disney's Menstrual Taboo." 
25. When I was in preschool (4 years old), I got locked in the bathroom with a picture of ET staring at me. I still remember it.
26. And, I nearly got hit by a car that same year when I went after a tennis ball on the other side of the alley when Mom and Brock were playing across driveways. Mom kept telling Kira and me that we couldn't be outside in our "pretty shoes" and to take them off. Thank God for those "pretty shoes" that probably helped me slide on a rock and underneath the car. I still remember the tire pattern staring me in the face before Mom scooped me up and rocked with me on her lap in the middle of the backyard for what seemed like forever.
27. I wore diapers at night until I was 5 or 6. I was a bed-wetter until then - when doctors found out there was something wrong with my bladder. I took a medicine (I think only once because it made me beet-red after playing outside at school) and I had an alarm in my underwear to signal when I was wet (which I only made go off on purpose one time). 
28. I named my first car Madison. She was a white Nissan Maxima.
29. I know all the words to almost any "oldies" (50s-60s) song on the radio. 50s/60s was the theme of my Bat Mitzvah party.
30. My name was supposed to be Chelsea Nicole. I used to love that name and always said I'd name my daughter that one day. I may not ever have a daughter. But if I do, her name will not be Chelsea Nicole. And, I'm glad my name isn't either.

Fontina Returns

Our beautiful Paci Fairy, Fontina, has made a return to our home. The last time she arrived, she had taken "White Paci" as a donation from Banner to a new baby in the hospital. This time, she did not get a donation. Instead, she simply helped celebrate the departure of "Brown Paci!"  Yes, that's right - Banner's most favorite pacifier has been dismissed, and he has successfully slept four nights now without it. We're down to ONE, people!

On Sunday and Monday, Banner kept telling me that there was something on his brown paci, that something was bothering his mouth. His mouth, like mine, is extremely sensitive to any different texture or foreign object. We both can find a blueberry or strawberry or even vanilla bean seed on our tongues or in our teeth with precise accuracy. So, I knew he was telling the truth; I washed his paci and returned it to him both nights. But, on Tuesday night, I knew there had to be something wrong with the paci, not just something in his mouth or stuck to the clean paci. I looked at it very closely, and sure enough, there was the beginning of a tear in the nipple. I showed it to him to let him see what he had been feeling in his mouth. "Banner, you can't use this paci anymore. It's broken. It's not safe. I have to throw it away," I told him.

Expecting his refusal, I was fully prepared to just give him the back-up paci we have in his dresser (which he has forgotten about). I was not really prepared to deal with giving up a paci without notice! :) Much to my (and Sam's) surprise, he simply said, "Oh." As I left his room to trash it, I expected him to start crying or be upset, but he never said a word. I dropped it in the trash, wondering if I should let him say goodbye. Since Sam and I are both somewhat emotionally attached to this particular paci that our little boy loves so much, I expected to feel more saddened as I pitched it. This was remarkably easier on me than I thought. But, we were both shocked and glad that letting it go was so easy for him. Since he seemed so at-ease with it, I was too!

I expected Banner to ask for it after we read stories. I expected a long, miserable night. But, it was awesome! In fact, Banner went to bed faster on Tuesday night than ever before. He never said a word about it.

The two nights (and one nap) that followed have been a little harder for him to fall asleep - just settling in to a new norm of not having it in his mouth or hand. He's asked for it a few times, and when I remind him about what happened, he's perfectly fine with it. He says, "I'm sorry my paci broke, Mommy." I tell him, "I'm sorry, too, Baby." And I am. But, I'm so glad that this happened naturally/organically. Like I said, Sam and I were more than happy to give him the back-up, and I had every intention of doing so. But, when Banner took this like a champ, we followed his lead and ran with it. I'm so very proud of him, and I'm glad we let things happen on their own instead of meddling - as we might have done calling Fontina in for the white paci... Sam and I both felt awful for many days after she arrived.

But, THIS time, Fontina came with a simple congratulatory present. How she knew about the broken paci, I have no idea! She's magical! She let Banner know that she was so proud of him for giving up "Brown paci!" This morning, when Banner found the present on the front porch, he looked around and said, "Is this for me?" We told him we didn't know, but there was a note on the side of the gift. Then, he looked around again and said, "Is there one for Quinn?" Of course, we were in awe of his question and being so inclusive of his brother. :)

"Is this for me? Can I open it?"

He opened this note and saw that it was, in fact, for him.

He called them "pretend Legos"

We are so grateful for Fontina thinking of our sweet boy who gave up his favorite pacifier so easily. Just one more to go! Hoping we hear from Fontina again soon! :)

20 Years Later

March 26, 1994. It was the last time I saw her, talked to her, hugged her, heard her contagious laugh. I didn't have any clue that this picture would be her last. I had no idea that I would ultimately remember the next 24 hours perfectly as if they just happened yesterday for the remainder of my life. I was 13, she was 19. We talked about high school and what classes I would take. She encouraged me to sign up for Theater. We talked about Kira's Bat Mitzvah. We helped make the carrots for Passover sedar. I can still see us there stirring them while we chatted. She needed to leave with her friend from college, but she wouldn't leave until all the cousins took a picture with her. We said our goodbyes, and that was that.

March 27, 1994. It was a Sunday, and we were doing our regular routine in the late afternoon. Getting ready to make dinner, playing games, about to start our evening routine of making lunches for school the next day. Brock was at a basketball practice with Dad. Mom, Kira, and I were at home when the phone rang, and in minutes, Mom was out the door while Kira and I waited for more information. All we knew was she was in "critical condition," but we had no idea what that meant. We waited. It got dark. We waited for Dad to come pick us up. We packed Passover-kosher snacks for everyone, thinking we'd be at the hospital for a while. We prayed. We held our foreheads against the front door waiting for headlights to appear in the darkness. Finally, they came. We sped down the Tollway. Dad drove faster than he ever had before. We arrived outside the ER, and as we jogged up the walkway, we passed Brock crying. Our hearts raced as Mom gathered Kira and me beneath her. She slowly started telling us what had happened and then: "She's gone." My heart still races recalling it all.

We were escorted to see the rest of the family, and within minutes, we were already leaving. I never saw her. We went to her house. I called a couple friends to get my assignments the following day. I couldn't even talk when they answered. Tears. Shaky. I can still feel the lump in my throat. I can still hear them asking what's wrong. I still remember not wanting to say.

I was embarrassed. She took her own life. This doesn't happen to "people like us," I kept thinking. What was she thinking? How selfish! I still can't wrap my brain around how she actually went through with this. What was she thinking or feeling in that very moment? That night and days to come (and months, and years, and decades...) - so many questions, so much left unsaid, undone, unfinished. Confusion, curiosity, anger, rage, grief, numbness, silence.

She was in the coffin. Was it really her? We made a circle around her. We said Shema. Her hair curly and dark. Her porcelain face doll-like. This has to be some kind of dark, sick joke, right? "Farra, wake up!" I kept saying in my head. 

20 years ago today. How is it that it feels so new and raw? It's like my brain is stuck at 13 years old trying to make sense of it. I will never make sense of it. She was perfect to me. She was gorgeous, so nice, so talented and funny, the brightest smile, the cutest laugh, the most awesome hair, a huge circle of friends, a sorority girl, a college freshman. She played with us - led games and told us stories. I looked up to her. How did she not see her life as precious and important? She was my older cousin, and always will be - even though I passed her by in age many years ago. 

I wonder what she'd be like now. Would she be married? Have children? Live close by? Spend time with us still? What job would she have? 

She's now been gone longer than she lived. I'm having a hard time with this. Only 19 years old, and 20 years later, I still see and hear her clearly. I remember so very much. I will never forget. She lives on in us. But, how is it that it's been 20 years already and we've lived without her longer than she ever lived?

Farra Julianne

February 19, 1975 - March 27, 1994

New Year's, Valentine's, and St. Patrick's Days...

No idea where time has gone or how I've missed posting about a few special holidays: New Year's, Valentine's, Purim, and St. Patrick's Days...

The kids enjoying New Year's Day brunch

Playing croquet

Grandma playing with the kids! :)

Valentine's Day card from Mommy & Daddy

He loved watching the robot light up and talk to him

Then he ran to show Quinn his card

Valentine's Day play date

Aunt Mischelle, Nami, Cooper, Banner, and Brycen

Beautiful Marin

My little Purim lion

Listening to the Purim shpiel - which he listened to intently and acted out all weekend! He's definitely learning a lot at school, really understanding the story of Purim - he kept telling us to "Bow down to me!" and then would tell us that we are only supposed to bow down to God. Then, he'd tell us to turn him into hamantaschen.

Showing me his Purim mask and hamantaschen

Shamrock pancakes for St. Patrick's Day

The boys got a fun surprise left for them on our porch first thing in the morning - from the leprechaun (aka: Uncle Brock and Aunt Mischelle)

Opening his treat!

I'm one lucky Mama! :)

Happy Half-Birthday, Quinn! 6-Month Update

Dear Quinn,
Still such a baby but growing into a boy! It's absolutely baffling that we can say "Happy Half-Birthday!" to you already! This month ROCKED! You're finally eating and sleeping again after a month of not doing much of that before. You seem much happier - which makes ME much happier! You still need a lot of "re-pacying" at night, and you sometimes flip over to your back and need us to flip you back to your belly to go to sleep, but you are so much better at soothing yourself and getting back to sleep on your own. I have to say I miss holding you and rocking you to a sound sleep, but I love that we have coached you to becoming a better sleeper these days. (Rules that have helped us: once you are in your crib, we don't pick you up; very little touching is done once in your crib because this seemed to be making you more alert rather than soothing you; dipping your paci in a cup of water before giving it to you helps you, too. Gripe water has helped your tummy settle at night, as well.)

Watching you develop and grow this month has been amazing. Daddy and I were just talking about this the other night. We have seen you become so much more aware of us, of yourself, of Banner, and of your surroundings. You LOVE to be LOVED, and you are more and more giggly and silly every day. You love eye contact, touch, hugs, kisses, attention, and interaction. You get bored easily without these things. You are slightly shy about how much you want to play with us - often looking at us, smiling, then looking away. . . SO much like your mommy! :)

Physically, you still have those beautiful baby blue eyes; your skin is like alabaster - perfectly white and smooth; your hair is very light brown, although it's so scarce around the ears and back that it looks blonde in certain light; you still have this curly tuft of hair right on top of your head that is getting pretty long! You are definitely plumping up with awesome rolls on your thighs! Everyone says you look so much like your daddy. I agree you certainly look like his little boy. You have his nose, and perhaps his eye shape, and certainly his coloring. But, I also see so many other people when I look at you... first and foremost, I see your Bubbie in your eyebrows and upper lip. But, I see my dad and my grandpa in your bottom lip, your Uncle Trey and your cousin Mara in the eyes sometimes, your cousin Colby's coloring from time to time, Banner's thoughtful furrowed brow, and sometimes I see glimpses of my own baby pictures in your cheeks and chin. All of this could change by next month, too! Everyone sees who they want to see - and with your light coloring, I understand why everyone thinks you look just like Daddy... they said the same thing about Banner at your age. What I see mostly, though? I see you. I see this emerging personality and traits all your own. You have a beautiful family of people you resemble, and you are this wonderful mix of so many people who love you. But, you look just like you - just like Quinn. And, THAT is the most beautiful resemblance!

Here's what's IN with you:

• Veggies and Fruits! You love eating things with more flavor - unlike your cereals last month (although you've gotten better at eating those, too). You've tried green beans, peas, carrots, sweet potatoes, squash, apples, bananas, pears, prunes, and tomorrow we start peaches. You weren't a huge fan of bananas, but everything else has been a big hit!
• Banner! You LOVE this kid. Hear his voice, and you turn to find him with a big grin. See him across the room, and follow his every move. Get attention from him, and you light up! You reach and grab for him all you can. He loves to give you kisses and hugs. In fact, my favorite is when he gets up from his nap and comes to "lay keppe" on your lap while I'm holding you. Recently, you have started almost hugging him when he does this - somewhat pulling on his hair and leaning into him. So sweet! 
• Grabbing anything you can get your hands on - and putting it in your mouth. The funniest, yet most annoying, is when I'm bathing you, you reach for the faucet while the water is running and try to put it in your mouth. You're pulling my hair (ouch!), reaching for your bottle, swatting and grabbing at toys, and playing with your feet all the time.
• Rolling over every which way! I'm so relieved that you finally met the milestone of rolling from your back to your belly! I think this will make you happier at night when you flip yourself over ... because now you can flip yourself back! This took a while for you to figure out - still within normal - but ever since having RSV, you hadn't met many milestones and seemed "stuck" in your development at 4 months old. Well, we're playing catch up now, and I love finally seeing you roll over to get the toys or the views you want.
• Sitting up! I knew you'd be much happier when you could play with your toys while sitting, and I was right.
• Soothing yourself. You have started rubbing your eyes when tired, and sometimes you bonk yourself on the head with your fist over and over again. It's a soothing tactic, but I think you don't really know who's hitting you in the head.
• Medications through a pacifier dispenser. . . you took your ear infection med great this way last month, and this month, we've been giving you Gripe Water just before bedtime to soothe your tummy, and you take it like a champ with this medicine dispenser
• Bath time! You're splishing and splashing every night.
• Being naked or only in a diaper
• Lots of drool, and even more spitting up... not the quantity that would come out of Banner, but definitely the frequency - my poor boys!
• HUGS and KISSES! Touch and tickles! You just laugh and giggle when you get undivided attention! You're starting to hug and kiss us, too. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THIS! Every morning, and after naps, you will grab my head or face and burrow in, and when I give you kisses, you will turn your head with an open mouth to give your own smooches.
• Sense of humor! You are getting to be quite the little comedian with your silly babbling (which you do a LOT - /m/, /b/, /d/, /l/, and lots of raspberries) and funny expressions. You also like it when we tap your lips while you say "ahhh!"

Here's what's OUT:

• Losing your paci
• Going to nap when you're just not quite ready. Sometimes you have to get that last bit of energy out, and then you're fast asleep.
• Getting your nose cleaned out - you've been a little snotty since having RSV, and we often have to aspirate your nose - you hate this, but you're doing a good job at tolerating it.
• Having to wait to eat your last bottle while I finish putting on your pajamas
• Not being able to put yourself in a sitting position... after rolling around and playing on your back for a little bit, you get pretty frustrated if someone doesn't help you sit up. 

Stats:

• We had your 6 month well-check with Dr. B today. You were a champ! He even noted how mellow you were... which you were until your three shots. Even then, you handled it well! Here's what we learned:
• You weigh 17 pounds, 14 ounces = 60th percentile
• You are 26 and 3/4 inches long = 60th percentile
• Your head circumference is 43.1 cm = 35th percentile
• Developmentally, you are right on track! We can start giving you water now, as well as Puffs or Cheerios as soon as you are up on all fours (in a crawling stance). We'll be adding more fruits and veggies to your diet until your 9 month check-up - still SO many things to try! I love finding out what you love!
• We will be starting Claritin tonight to see if that will help clear your congestion you've pretty much had since birth. Hoping this helps you!!
• Level 3 nipples - started a few weeks ago to help you get more formula faster since feedings were taking so long
• Size 3 diapers
• 6M, 6-9M, 9M clothing (which works well for these seasons to wear Banner's old clothes)
• 6-8 oz bottles, 4 times a day around 7:00, 10:30/11, 2:30ish, 7:00, with a breakfast of oatmeal and a dinner of veggie and/or fruit and a cereal (either rice or barley) around 5:15

Other things that happened this month:

-We met Baby Cousin Levi!!! So far, you've only taken one nap together and played on the play mat twice together - but I see you two becoming fast friends in the near future! Between you, Levi, and Nami being so close in age - I can't wait to watch the three of you play soon!

-We went to the park for the first time a couple weeks ago. You loved the swing, although it was a bit chilly and a lot windy! I think the wind confuses you - you're not sure where that gust comes from or why it feels funny, so you often make a gasping sound and blink a lot in it, but otherwise you tolerate it well.

-You're sitting nicely in the bath ring, and although you're still taking baths in the infant tub over the sink, we can use the bath ring for you to sit in the shower to play in the water with Banner. You certainly seem to love the water.

-We had a Valentine's Day play date, but you slept (or didn't really but you fought your nap time) through most of the fun.

Quinn Redding, I tucked you in this evening after you finished your bottle. You fell asleep in my arms, which I try not to let you do very often (usually, you go to bed "drowsy but awake"). As you breathed peacefully, relaxed and calm, I whispered to you: "Goodnight, sweet boy. Happy 6 months. Happy half-birthday. Six months from now, you will celebrate your big birthday - eating cake for the first time. You'll drink real milk. You'll have more hair. You'll have some teeth. You'll be in bigger clothes, and you'll be crawling or walking and be more independent. You'll be saying some words. You'll know me better, and I'll know you better. But, I'll love you just the same as in this very moment. I love you so much just as you are." Tears came to my eyes and fell down my cheeks, as I thought back to six months ago when we met - and how much you have grown, how much you have learned, how different, yet how the same you are to that newborn baby! You're just the most loving, lovable little guy, and I have so enjoyed this past half-year getting to meet you, know you, watch you, and most of all, LOVE YOU!

Happy Half-Birthday, My Love!
I LOVE YOU!
Love,
Mommy

33-Month Newsletter: Banner

Dear Banner,

Oh my sweet angel baby! Where do I begin about these past three months!? I have to start with: I love you SO much. My heart aches from how much I love you. You are seriously amazing, and I'm writing this letter with tears in my eyes because I just want to freeze you at this age - at least on your not-so-tempermental days! - as I feel you growing and changing and maturing and slipping away so fast! I want to capture your very essence and wrap it up to keep forever; I want to be able to see you, feel you, smell you, hear you at this very age forever, and yet I want to see the gift that you are continue to unwrap and unravel as you age and grow even more independent. My sweet toddler, you are just that - a gift. Everyday. You make my heart squeeze and ache and skip a beat and be still - all at the same time! There have been so many amazing moments in the last few months that I see your sweet face smiling up at me with those beautiful blue, gorgeously big eyes and deep dimples, tiny teeth, sweet nose, and cute chin as you make the most profound statement or the cutest of requests or the silliest suggestion... and I know in that very moment, I want to remember you like this for the rest of my life! There's no picture to be taken, no video to be recorded - just YOU - just you in all your two-year-old glory, and I want to remember every detail just as you are in that moment. And, this happens OVER and OVER and OVER again. I sincerely hope my memory is as good as I think it is, but my biggest fear is you and these memories "slipping through my fingers all the time!"

One day, about a month ago, I walked next to you (wearing Quinn in the Bjorn) while you rode your tricycle. You'd stop and get off the trike to get the shovel in the "trunk" of the trike, shovel up some dirt or some acorns, and you'd put your treasure back under the flap of the trike's back compartment. You took your time. You weren't interested in getting very far down the sidewalk. You said "HI!!" to every person you could see in the neighborhood, and you continued to greet them until they acknowledged you. You didn't want to go back home when I was, quite frankly, getting bored with slowly meandering behind you while hoping Quinn didn't get too bored. (Although, he is IN LOVE with you, and any time you are nearby, his eyes are GLUED to you!) Then, just to get you to do something different, I asked if you wanted to ride your scooter, which was on our front porch. You looked that direction, you looked back up at me in that wide-eyed, inquisitive beautiful look and said in a question, "I can ride it like the big kids, Mommy?" I said, "Of course!" And, as much as you wanted to figure out how to use one leg to push off the ground, you couldn't quite figure it out. I know this seems like a mundane incident to record in my mind, but I was so proud of you for trying, and I was intrigued by the way you wanted to be like "the big kids," and more than anything, I just loved how you looked up at me wanting to know if you could do it. I wanted to wrap my arms around you and say, "Angel, you can do ANYthing you put your mind to." I loved hearing you want to do something like the bigger kids, but I also wanted you to stay my baby forever in that moment, thinking, "NO! Don't grow up like the big kids so fast!"

As you've gotten a bit older, I find myself wanting to protect you from feeling these more complex emotions: fear, insecurity, peer pressure, rejection, anxiety, jealousy, envy, and so on. As your imagination has taken off these past few months, so have your fears, and I hate watching you get so worried about something. You are always asking Daddy and me: "You keep me safe? You will be here?" And, even though you still run off in public way too often (at a park, at the museum, in the stores, at a restaurant - oy!), in general you want to be close to us. You have been coming into our room to sleep in our bed in the early, early morning (around 5:00). You want us to tell you more stories before bedtime. You want us to come with you to the other room to get something or to play in another area.

And, just this past month or two, you have become a "mama's boy" all over again. I have missed you, sweet boy. Since Quinn was born, I think you were angry at me, punishing me for having another baby, for being in the hospital, for tending to another child. But, now you seem to only want me. While I feel badly that you sometimes tell Daddy, "No, I want Mommy!" or "Daddy, you go away, and Mommy stays with me," right at bedtime, I am loving that I'm back as a special person in your life. . . and Daddy even agrees that it's okay because he "had his time." :) My hugs are home for you, my kisses cure, and my hands are your security. I feel like you have come back to me, and we are on good terms again in your world. I was always here - always waiting for you. And, I always will be.

The funniest part of all this is your desire to tell others about me. You once interrupted your swim teacher (more about swimming below) to tell her, "My mommy is so pretty!" And, while I was talking to Ms. Betty about your day at pick-up at school, you turned to Ms. Jennifer and said, "My mommy is so pretty!" You sure know how to wrap me around your finger!

In other news:

• My favorite quotes these past 3 months: 
• "I'm going to ponder that!" as you tap your cheek (Thank you, Grandma, for teaching you this!) 
• "I tooted. Excuse me!"
• "Mommy, you are so pretty!" or "Mommy, you are pretty-ful!"
• "I'm going to read my book to the children," as you rock in your little chair in front of your pretend audience
• The way you say: "Ambulance" now (which used to sound awfully close to "a penis"), how you say "Tell me a stirry," (instead of "story"), or knowing that Mommy loves you "more than anything in the whole weeld!"
• "I want to hold your hand, Mommy."
• You are asking more and more questions about Bubbie: "Is Bubbie nice?" "Where does Bubbie live now?" In December, you and I had our first conversation when you learned that Bubbie died. I used that term for the first time with you when you wanted to know where she lived... "She doesn't live anywhere, Banner." You said, "People live in houses, Mommy?" (Everything during those months was stated as a question, and sometimes that's still the case.) "Yes, Banner, people do live in houses. But Bubbie died, so she doesn't live anywhere anymore. We don't get to see her anymore. We can hear stories about her, and we can see pictures of her. But, when someone has died, they don't live anymore, so they don't live anywhere." To which, your response was mostly, "Oh. Are we almost at Brayden's party, Mommy?" And that was that. I sat with my response internally - begging for you to talk more about it, not sure how I could even turn from this conversation to go enjoy a birthday party. You heard what you needed to hear at that time, though, I guess - and that was all. I needed more. I needed more closure, but I know this will continue to come up - and I actually hope it does, so I can continue to explain it better, more thoroughly, so that you (and Daddy and I) can continue to come to terms with this awful reality.
• You are very possessive of your things, often saying you don't want to share your toys with your friends or classmates. Sometimes, you don't even want friends to come over to our house because you don't want them to play with your things.
• You walk on your toes when you are excited about something (or a nervous habit?), like when you first walk into your classroom or to see all the family at Grandma & Papa's house or Zaide's house. I asked the doctor about it; he says it's not a big deal since you can walk normally, and maybe someone at school walks like this too, so we are just ignoring it for now.
• You want to know where everything is when we are driving, even though you have an amazing sense of direction. "Mommy, where IS Grandma's house? Is it far away?" or "Are we getting closer to Ms. Patty's house?"
• Speaking of Ms. Patty, you started swim lessons at her house just a few weeks ago (32 months old). You've had four lessons now, and you are doing great! That first lesson was rough, as I expected, and then you only cried a short time at the following two lessons. You ask to hear stories about Ms. Patty and how you swim so well there. After each lesson, you come home very proud of yourself, walking around the house with confidence in an almost-cocky way!
• You love: playing with your trucks/trains/cars - but mostly you LOVE your firetrucks and firefighters; playing with your instruments; watching YouTube; chocolate; kissing and hugging Quinn; hearing stories; cooking/baking and wanting to "make a recipe;" being outside;  Peppa Pig, Team Umizoomi, Bubble Guppies, and Paw Patrol on Nick Jr; humming your lullabies with me at bedtime; pretending and coming up with dialogue for your toys, pretending to talk on the phone (usually there's an emergency at the fire station), speaking gibberish to talk fast
• At 30 months old, you pooped on the potty for the first time. Then, you did it again just this past week. My hope is that by my next newsletter, I'll be able to say you're potty trained. We will be working on this fairly soon!
• You're jumping like a champ - over things, off of things, and just for fun. 
• You're learning: your letters and some sounds thanks to The Letter Factory, how to count with fingers, how to dress yourself, how to pee into the toilet standing up
• You have impeccable manners (usually without being reminded). 
• You got a visit from Fontina, the Paci Fairy, for the first time. 
• You love getting your hair cut now. Ms. Tia is your hair dresser, and she loves you, too! Mostly, you enjoy playing with the train table at the salon, but you cooperate perfectly for Ms. Tia, and she thinks you are so cute!
• You still smell like Frosted Flakes.  Yes, I know this is a weird thing to write about, but for most of your life, I've said you smell like breakfast. Daddy always laughs at me that I say this because it's really a weird comment, but you do. You smell so sweet and sugary. . . a smell I never want to forget. (It has occurred to me - very much worried me - because I have been taught that a sweet, sugary breath or odor on a person is a sign of diabetes, so I'm cautious in saying that I love this smell, but luckily, we have no other signs to think you have diabetes, so I'll take the sweet smell!)

We have been busy these past three months. We welcomed "Baby Cousin Levi," you went to the dentist for the second time ever and got a great report, and we've had several snow and ice days. We had Christmas events, rang in the New Year, had Valentine's Day, and went to birthday parties for Jonah, Cooper, Brycen, and Brayden. We went to see the trains at NorthPark, to the Perot Museum, and to Candlelight. You were sick for a few days (with cold-like symptoms) and were even sent home from school one day with a random high fever that the doctors had no idea why.  You had your first Shabbat performance at school, and you did awesome singing "One Little, Two Little Shabbat Candles." My favorite part was when Ms. Sheryl invited the parents to come up and say a blessing for their child. As I picked you up and held you to tell you what a great job you did, you said, "I want to hold your hand, Mommy. I want to hold your hand, Daddy." Then, I said, "Banner, I love you!" and you said, "I love you, Mommy and Daddy." Then, I turned to MY mommy who was going to take our picture, and I held back tears. You make me so happy.

In the past few weeks, I have noticed something truly awesome and sad at the same time. Your hands. Your hands have suddenly - almost overnight - become less baby and more big boy. You often want to hold my hand, and the feel of your hand in mine has changed. I can't really explain it or describe it, but suddenly, these are not the hands of my infant, of my chubby toddler, but of my growing big boy. They're slim and strong. The skin is still so incredibly soft and smooth, but the shape is hardening. And, this shakes me.

I love you, and I'm savoring all this sweet time I have with you before you're not my 2-year-old anymore, before you are in school 5 days a week, before you turn THREE! You are getting so big, so fast. Please slow down. Don't be in such a rush, Angel Baby. Thank you for coming back to me these past few months. I never needed to be the "favorite" parent or the most needed. I just need you. I need to know you know how much I love you. I need you to know I am a constant, I am always here.

I love you, sweet boy. 

All my love,

Mommy

Kisses for our boy at Bob & Helen's on Christmas Eve

Family pic - outside Zaide's house on Christmas Day

Busy at Perot Museum

Busy at Brycen's Birthday Party at Gymboree

Playing with your talking robot card and eating a chocolate screwdriver on Valentine's Day - after a donut breakfast!

Quinn waking you up from nap (your eyes are still very tired here)

Hugs from Ms. Betty after you gave her your S'mores treats for Teacher Appreciation Week

Singing into the mic for Ms. Sheryl at Shabbat