A Love Letter to My Sister

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On Saturday night, Kira & Erick had their rehearsal dinner. I got to be the MC, I presented their slideshow DVD, and I also made a speech to roast and toast the happy couple:

Several years ago, when I was starting my senior year in college, Kira and I were asked to speak to the rushees who came through the AEPhi house on the last night of rush week. Recently, I came across what we wrote, and I thought it would be perfect to share again tonight.

“A sister is someone who truly understands you. She won’t judge or hold a grudge. She lifts you up when you’re down, and sees you through happy times. She calls you non-stop, but you don’t get annoyed because you love her. Or, she won’t call at all but you still know she’s there for you. She can cry to you and not feel embarrassed. She listens to you complain about your boyfriend and never complains. A sister is someone who knows the real you. She can sense when something’s not right. She will pray for your happiness always. A sister is someone who knows what you’re thinking just by looking at you. A sister understands when words can’t express what you are trying to say. She’s watched you grow from a silly little girl to a sophisticated woman. She is someone who stands by your side, congratulating your successes and easing your disappointments. She’s one of your favorite people, your most trusted friend, and your biggest fan. She’s the only one who knows how to tell you what you’re doing wrong, but she makes you feel like you’re doing it right. Her voice is one that soothes you even if five minutes before it was raised to you in anger. A sister is someone who believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone who gets you into trouble for laughing at all the wrong times.  She knows all your scars, your wounds, and joys of your past. She shares smiles and tears of the present. And, by your side, she awaits the wonders of your future. She’ll be there when you graduate, and when you get your first job. She’ll be there when you get married, and she’ll hold your newborn baby in her arms. And, no matter where her road may take her, you know it will always lead back to you, because a sister will always be there for you.”

Man we should write Hallmark cards!! Anyway, I thought that was really cool to find those words again at this time in your life, Kira. These words had me reflecting back to thirty years of memories – starting with the day you were born. You brought joy into my life within moments of your birth. It was probably the first time in my short two years of life that I was right and Brock was wrong. I won a bet by saying that Mommy was having a girl.

Kira, I can’t believe 30 years has passed by. How do I sum up that time to tell all the people in this room about how much you mean to me and what an amazing woman you have become? I could tell them about what a silly, funny little girl you were – how you made us laugh and entertained us with your silly dances in the backseat of the car or tried to walk in your corrective shoes that held your feet together with a metal bar or how you drove us crazy constantly switching your name from Kira to Kiki and back again. I could tell them how you were constantly entertaining us with your dancing, your singing, your joke telling. Or, I could tell them how you were and always have been more outgoing and assertive than I was or am. I remember being about 6 or 7 (so you were about 4 or 5), and my order at Burger King was wrong. I sighed and just shyly looked down at the table, and you told me to go tell the lady at the counter she had my order wrong. “No, it’s okay,” I told you. Without another argument, you just grabbed my tray and walked up to the counter to demand that my chicken sandwich have absolutely nothing on it, just the way I wanted.

You’re still the most outgoing, unafraid, honest, real person I know. I look up to you for that, and I’ve always envied your ease in front of a crowd. Sometimes I let you talk me into doing things I would otherwise never have done, like singing “Tits & Ass” in front of Mom’s friends when we were very young. I am sure you would tell everyone here that as your older sister I was the one who could get you to do whatever I asked of you… make a phone call for me, make a funny face, let me bite your nose, rub my back, etc. Honestly, we really do balance each other out, and there are so many times I could recount when we’ve been there for each other. We’ve kept each others’ secrets, we’ve examined really gross stuff on each other, and we’ve cried with, cuddled with, and screamed at each other – maybe all in the same day. I remember your camp friends coming to get me from my cabin to help you because you were homesick and just needed me to give you a hug. That was the same summer you had me believing that if we closed the lockets Mom gave us with her picture inside that she’d suffocate. I wouldn’t have camped out in the Houston summer heat to save your place in line at American Idol try-outs for anyone else. And, I wouldn’t have done it AGAIN in Dallas if it weren’t for you! Yes, I wanted you to make it onto the show, but more importantly, I was so excited to just spend some time with you because whenever we’re together doing nothing in particular, we have the best time!

Some of my favorite memories with you include making up hilarious, awkward dance moves to songs like “Let Me Love You Down,” teaching you cursive in the back of Dad’s car, trying on clothes in a store dressing room and making machine guns out of our boobs, teaching you how to write all over your shoes when you were about two years old, and having to go to the bathroom with each other because we were certain Freddy Kruger was going to pop out of the toilet bowl. I can still see us dancing around dad’s living room to “Manic Monday;” I can still hear us giggling as Mom threatened to take us to school in our underwear if we didn’t stop talking and get dressed already; I can still feel the distinct soft, cuddly feel of your hand in mine as we were freaking out on the speedboat to go parasailing for the first time bouncing up and down over extremely choppy waters before the cruise director finally cancelled due to an incoming storm, Thank God! I can still see your face at Disneyland when we took a trip to California on our own as I asked you with wide eyes, “Did a bird just shit in my hair?”

You bring out the best in me, Kira, and you have taught me so much. You know, the important things like where any store is in any mall in any town … or the best brand of cosmetics to use and which line just came out with a brand new product. But mostly, you’ve taught me how to love being me and how to let loose and have fun. I remember driving home (or any place) after BBYO projects – music blaring and our voices as loud as we could get them. Man, I miss those nights! There are days when I find myself driving alone singing our favorite Celine Dion songs or Martina McBride or - remember the Kinleys? I find myself missing belting it out with you, you nodding your head with a smile at me to reassure me that I actually hit that high note. . . although you would instruct, “Amber, you don’t have to scream it. Use your head voice.” But screaming it was much more fun!

Since the day you were born until I married Sam, you were the only person on the planet related to everyone else in our family the exact same way that I was. We seemed to always understand each other, even when others couldn’t. Not only did you “get” me and I “get” you, but we always knew what the other was thinking… with a certain look or a squeeze of the hand. I remember immediately after your jaw surgery in high school you weren’t able to open your mouth to speak, and you were getting really annoyed that you couldn’t communicate unless you wrote down your thoughts. That is, until I got to the hospital. Within a few hours of what we termed “intonation,” you could tell me what you wanted. “Hhh – hhh – hh-hhh” obviously meant, “I want water.” Why could no one but me get that?

My sweet sister, I have so much to say to you but so much doesn’t need to be said because you just know already. What you may not know, though, is how glad I am that you and Erick are finally getting married. I remember the day that Erick told me of his plans to propose to you, and I immediately lit up with a grin from ear to ear – so excited for you, but so excited that he’d finally be a part of this family. You have found a truly great guy – one who loves to know how you are feeling, who wants so badly for you to be happy, who loves to have deep discussions, one who sees the world in a new, unique way. Erick is always looking for the beauty and meaning in everything. He’s a fantastic chef, he’s great with kids, and he’s playful and fun.

You and Erick balance each other out very well, and I know that you don’t need any advice – you’ve been in this relationship for a while. But, if I can offer you any words of wisdom as you embark on this new journey together, I would like to remind you of a few things: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Making assumptions and setting expectations without communicating them will only get you into trouble. Remember your partner is not a mind reader. Be creative. This will be easy for both of you as you are both wired to be creative. Marriage is an opportunity to create a unique space in the world for just the two of you. Your marriage doesn’t have to BE a certain way – just create it how you want and keep coming back to that same holy space you have carved out for just each other. Don’t be scared. Marriage is delicate and tender, but your ties to each other are strong, so don’t be afraid of anything. Never leave the house without a kiss and a hug goodbye.  Treat each other like this is your first day and your last day together. Today is the only day that matters. You will both respect each other more and cherish each other more if you can try really hard to do this. Communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more. Be patient with each other, and then be patient with yourself.  Recognize that there are fundamental differences between men and women, but challenge these differences and encourage each other to be more than a stereotype. It’s okay to go to bed angry. Sometimes you’ll just have to get some space and time between each other. You’re humans with human emotions, and it’s okay to need to be upset and get some distance before responding to something that would otherwise bring out the worst in you. Speaking of space, keep some for yourself. Don’t lose yourself to your partner. You each fell in love with the other as an individual. Don’t lose that individuality. And, visit your big sister often!

Kira, there are moments in my life that I will never forget you being by my side – like the moments spent just the two of us before MY wedding, or when I didn’t make the cheerleading squad and you just listened and let me cry, or like the morning I left for college and I quietly snuck into your bedroom to snuggle with you one last time, or the night of Sam’s accident when you insisted on staying at the ER until we were ready to leave, and the long-awaited moment when I got to introduce you to my son, and even the day (or should I say many days) you gave me the wisest advice when I was overwhelmed with my newborn. Thank you for all those days and so many yet to come. I cannot wait to stand next to you tomorrow as you marry Erick. As you know, I will always stand next to you and to Erick whenever you need me. Thank you both for allowing me the honor of participating in your weekend in such a special way! I love you both so much!

The Knee Issue...Part 3

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about my knee - yet again. And, I have an update now that I'd like to post, as it helps me keep it all clear in my head as well as helps me not have to repeat this over and over again. I've had four weeks of physical therapy 3 times a week since August 6th. I'm getting really frustrated because I am not seeing or feeling a lot of improvement. Sometimes I feel like the PT is actually making things worse. Since my rheumatologist suspected arthritis of some kind, I talked it over with my physical therapist about two weeks ago, and he said to take it easy and rest the knee for a while. It got better during that time, but when we slowly started trying to exercise it again, sure enough it got worse. I was really annoyed at the timing of the worsening, too, because Kira's wedding was only a week away at that time, and I really wanted to be able to enjoy the night of dancing, walking, standing for a long time, and otherwise just being comfortable. I wanted to be able to squat down and help fluff her dress or lay the veil for her. But, no such luck! About two weeks after taking the anti-inflammatory that the rheumatologist put me on, I started itching like crazy. My elbows, especially, were constantly itching and developing small raised areas that looked like chigger bites or even bed bug bites! I freaked out and immediately washed my sheets and mattress cover like a mad woman! Luckily, that wasn't the issue. When the itching didn't stop, I called my internist, and she said to stop taking the meds that the rheumatologist had prescribed. I called his office to let him know I was having this reaction, and his nurse told me that the itching would not be due to the anti-inflammatory. I was confused, but I still listened to the internist. I began taking another prescription to help with the itching. This was only days before Kira's wedding, and my internist had me taking several meds that she told me would make me sleepy: Atarax, Zyrtec, and Benedryl. Just what I needed... to feel sleepy before and during Kira's big weekend!

The itching never stopped, but I felt less annoyed by it, and it may have subsided from time to time, but I still itch throughout the day and the bumps come and go. Anyway, I made it through the wedding (LOTS more on that later!!) fairly well, but my knee continued to be an issue. It got more and more stiff without the anti-inflammatory meds. And, I was hating PT that whole time!

I saw my rheumatologist yesterday, and we finally got an answer. After some blood work came back, and after I explained new symptoms that have popped up since I last saw him (about 3 weeks ago), he had a general diagnosis. I'm a bit of a puzzle at this point with my complaints and with conflicting blood work... I have a positive ANA (as I wrote about before) which could be nothing. He's certain I don't have lupus. My rheumatoid factor came back negative (which can also mean nothing... he explained that lots of people with rheumatoid arthritis have a negative factor). My ESR (which basically measures inflammation) was high, and at this point, the doctor looked at Sam and said, "You know what that tells me? That she's not making this up." He smiled and described more about that, and basically said that he's diagnosing me with pauciarticular arthritis - "pauci" meaning "few" and "articular" meaning "joints." The big problem, of course, is the right knee, but the other areas that have started hurting, swelling, or stiffening are: my left elbow, my right wrist, and my right second toe. Which kind of arthritis he's not sure, but it's either rheumatoid or psoriatic; either way, the treatment remains the same - anti-inflmamatory medications. He's switching me to a different med since he agreed I was probably allergic to the first one he tried (Lodine). (I found this interesting since I called his nurse, and she told me it wouldn't cause itching! UGH, so frustrating that not everyone gives a clear, straight, correct, agreeable answer!!) So, the plan is to try this med for 3-4 weeks and hope to feel no stiffness, no pain, and no swelling. If that works, then we're golden! If not, we try another med for 3-4 weeks and see what happens. If that fails, we try another for 3-4 weeks, so basically, we're on this path for about 3 months to figure out which drug will be most helpful. If all else fails, we have to discuss more intense drug therapy, which I cannot take if we want to have more children. I appreciated that the doctor was so cautious with this issue because Sam and I are young, and we do want Banner to have siblings one day. So, we're really hopeful that one of the less intense drugs will work!

After seeing the rheumatologist, Sam and I went to the orthopedist for a post-op check-up. I saw the PA, and he told me that everything looks great, even if I'm still really swollen and stiff. He said to wait another 6-8 weeks to see better results. He also agreed that perhaps the PT is upsetting my body, and that we should hold off for a week and see what happens. Given the inflammation and the arthritis, we may need to tweak the plan for a bit. I was relieved to hear that because going to those appointments really sucks, and I wasn't seeing a benefit to them yet. I'm not against them if they help - but they weren't helping!!

I'm really hopeful that the anti-inflammatory pills will help. My left elbow is achy and running a close second to my knee pain. Drying my hair is difficult, lifting Banner is difficult, carrying in groceries is difficult. You just don't realize how much you need your body on all these little mundane tasks. And the itching has driven me nearly insane. Try writing a wedding toast or a rehearsal dinner speech while you are wanting to scratch ALL over (and I mean ALL over - in the most embarrassing places!). So ready to feel like me again - so ready to wish that I had a few more moments to sleep in the morning ONLY because I'm tired and not because I can't imagine trying to lift my baby out of his crib or chase him all day when my body is betraying me. Literally, that's what's happening, and a diagnosis of arthritis confirms that. I know this will be a long road, but I'm hopeful it can be a smooth one from here on out.

What it Feels Like

So, lately, everyone's been asking me what it feels like to not go back to work. Given that I was a school counselor who would have otherwise been on summer break, the "not going back" part officially started on Tuesday, when all my school colleagues had their first day back in the building to prepare for the upcoming school year. So, this week, I've gotten a real taste of what it's like to not go back.

On Monday, I went up to the building at the request of the counselor who took my place. She wanted me to help her, and I gladly accepted. I had told her back in June to please call or email with any questions; I truly wanted/want to make this transition as easy as possible for her, the staff, students, and parents. I have to say, I REALLY enjoyed being back in the building, my second home. I missed my office, believe it or not. My mom kept Banner, and it was mostly during his nap time, so I was glad that he was resting while I was able to help out. After a couple of hours of discussion, guiding, and explaining,  I roamed the building looking for my proactive, eager friends who were already in their classrooms before their official day back at work. Oh, so fun! I loved chatting and catching up with these teachers.

As Monday became Tuesday and I laid in bed just thinking of what my life would be like this week if I hadn't resigned, I felt both relief and panic at the same time. It's a weird feeling. Being back in my office with all "my" things and my experience, with all the knowledge I have of students, parents, staff, and how the building runs - well, it was just a bit of a high for me. I was in my element again. At the same time, just explaining certain parts of the job or thinking about a certain situation with a student or a parent - well, it made me beyond grateful that I'm no longer the one dealing with it! While I may have lots of answers and a great deal of knowledge running through my head, I also was so relieved that I don't have to be the one to handle the stress of it anymore. Instead, I get to hang out with my little guy - watching him grow, learn, and develop before my eyes. I don't want to be at work missing out on all the time Banner needs with me - and that I need with him.  (But, I will say that I'm really looking forward to subbing once or twice a week - and I'm really glad I made the decision to do that.)

Another school year starting reminds me of all the things I'll miss out on this year. It reminds me of the camaraderie I felt/feel with the wonderful members of the staff in that building. It reminds me of all the sweet faces I'll miss seeing in that hallway on a daily basis. It reminds me of all the lessons I won't teach to so many kids who loved to come to my classroom. It reminds me of all the jokes and inside scoop that I won't hear about throughout the year.  But, it also reminds me of all those parents about to take their babies to their first day of preschool or their first day of Kindergarten, and it reminds me of all those parents dropping their firstborn "babies" off at college for the the first time. And, those moments are the ones that matter more than anything. . . because soon (or at least sooner than I'd like) I'll be one of those parents, and I'll wonder where all these early, tender years went when it was just my sweet angel and me hanging out in our pajamas at home without a care in the world - chasing each other, running through the sprinklers, or building towers with foam blocks. It reminds me that one day, all of these small hours will be ancient history, a distant memory that I would do anything in my power to relive.

So how does it feel, then? Well, it feels like I AM doing everything in my power to hold on to these days. . . these days of learning, these days of my only child, these days of being the youngest Banner and I will ever be together. It feels right, even if it was a difficult decision. It feels peaceful, to have made a decision and to see it come to fruition. It feels like I have the most important (and hardest) job I'll ever have. And, even though every day is different and has its own challenges, it feels like I'm in my better element - because this is the one job I'll ever have where I am completely irreplaceable. I'm the ONLY one who can do this job, and even though it's tiring, I'm so glad I have the opportunity to do it all day!

What He's Eating (at 14 Months)

My friend, Laura, recently posted on her blog about what her triplets are eating. Inspired by this idea, I wanted to document what kinds of things Banner is eating these days. Once upon a time, I had a boy who would eat most anything I'd offer. These days, like many other moms with kids Banner's age, I have a hard time getting him to eat what I've prepared.

Banner used to eat veggies like a champ. Then, he turned one, and since then he's been a bit pickier. He used to love broccoli, zucchini, carrots, corn, peas, etc. Now, he mostly just plays with the textures - especially with peas and corn, just pushing on the skin to get the inside to explode out. He throws broccoli on the floor, and carrots he likes to just mash up on his plate. I've reverted back to baby food veggies which he'll take more willingly (because he can't play with them on his tray!). When offered veggie purees, he'll take peas, corn, broccoli, zucchini, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, green beans, spinach, etc. I hate going "back" to this, but at least he gets the nutrients from these foods. The only solid form of veggie that he'll eat right now is squash. Tonight, though, he surprised me and ate cooked carrots without a fuss.

He is still my amazing fruit eater. He loves all fruits I've offered. He asks for "nananas" almost every morning. He loves biting into pears and peaches. He also loves blueberries, strawberries, apples/applesauce, pineapple, watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, grapes, raisins, cherries, and - on occasion - raspberries. We'll be trying plums this week.

Banner still really likes all carbs/breads and grains! Tortillas, bagels, waffles, mac & cheese, spaghetti, barley, rice, pizza, rolls, crackers, rice cakes, toddler cereal bars, Cheerios, Puffs, etc. He also likes cheeses and yogurts.

Protein is another difficult area for me when trying to give Banner a variety. He typically spits out chicken - but not always. He will never eat leftover chicken. He loves beef - just like his daddy! He'll eat hamburger meat, beef hotdogs, beef bologna, salami, meatballs, and steak. He has tried fish, but it's just "eh." He won't even give eggs a taste... no matter how I've made them (scrambled, fried, hard boiled, in a quiche). I bought some tofu to try this week, so we'll see if he likes that - but my guess is that he'll throw it on the floor simply due to its texture.

We've learned that Banner really appreciates eating off of a fork. He's much more likely to accept a food if it's offered to him on a fork, so Sam and I always try this method first when starting a meal because Banner's much more likely to keep eating it after tasting it this way.

Every morning, Banner has an 8 oz bottle (yes, bottle - if not in a bottle, I'd spend hours trying to get even a couple ounces down using a sippy cup, and we'd never reach the 16 oz minimum per day!). Then, he has 2 TBSP of oatmeal (mixed with more whole milk). He'll also eat a few Cheerios and usually a few bites of banana. At either (or both) lunch or dinner, I try to offer a meat, a veggie, grains/bread, and dairy. He typically gets a fruit as his "dessert." He will have one or two snacks a day (two if he skips morning nap). At all meals, we offer water - which he loves - out of a sippy cup. After his afternoon nap, we always offer a sippy cup of milk; some days he downs it, other days he only takes a couple of sips. Every evening, Banner has another 8 oz bottle to ensure he reaches his 16 oz minimum. One day - hopefully one day soon! - we will try to wean him from the bottle. But, I'd much rather him have the calcium than the sippy cup!

The Little Things

This story begins with a short background. My sister-in-law, Shelby, got engaged in November shortly after her mother (my mother-in-law) died. She asked if we would allow her wedding to take place at our home because she felt a sense of closeness to her mom at our house. It's the house we last had a large, happy family function with her (a surprise anniversary party for her and my father-in-law). It's also the house we mourned in as a family surrounded by friends - where we lit her memorial candle and gathered before and after the funeral. Sam and I were honored that she feels this way about our home, and we were happy to be able to provide our house for her wedding.

On the day of Shelby's wedding, we had put all of Banner's toys away and made the house more "grown up" for her big day. (It was actually kind of... okay, REALLY... nice to have our house back to pre-baby days!) I took out a small sample of toys to keep Banner entertained during the ceremony, there was a fridge toy that was available, and two small toy "groceries" were inadvertently left out, but other than that, it was a mess-free, toy-free house. :) We cleaned like we haven't cleaned before. In fact, our house hasn't been this clean since my mom and sister cleaned the house while I was in the hospital after Banner's birth. So nice to have reclaimed my house!!!

The wedding went really well. Sam built a chuppah for the couple to be married under. Banner was supposed to walk in with his two older cousins ahead of the bride, but Banner didn't want to walk without his Zaide, so my father-in-law had to walk him in the room before escorting Shelby! Other than that, he did great during the ceremony sitting on Sam's lap and then mine. He ate well, participated in family photos, played with his cousins, watched the bride and groom dance, and watched the bride and Zaide dance. Soon after, my mom came to pick Banner up to spend the night at her house. We said our goodbyes, and then Sam and I relaxed and enjoyed our evening with the family.

After everyone left, Sam and I vacuumed, swept, mopped, and returned everything to its normal place. We took advantage of our time and the fact that we were reorganizing to go through Banner's toys to clear out and resort. Upon reorganizing his toy bins, I asked Sam to go grab the little toy "groceries" that I had last seen on the kitchen table. He looked, but they weren't there. I swore I had seen them during the reception, so we started looking around the kitchen, den, dining room, living room, and Banner's room. Nothing.

I was getting annoyed because I knew I had just seen them; Sam had seen them, too. I mentioned that since they were little empty bottles that maybe someone had thrown them away, inadvertently thinking that they were trash. We kept cleaning but I was really annoyed. I knew I was being silly because they aren't anything special, but Banner really liked these toys, and they were part of a larger set that I only bought him 4 days ago. So I couldn't get over it! I jokingly mentioned to Sam that I might go outside and look through the trash (I had already looked through the bag currently in the trashcan). Sam said he knew even though I was saying this in a joking way that I was partly really wanting to. I told him he was right, and he said if I wanted to do that to wait til the morning. I told him if I was going to dig through trash that I wanted to do it right now or not all. Within a few minutes, we were both outside digging through two bags of trash from the night. Sam had taken them out of the driveway dumpster to both help and humor me. A few icky minutes later, he found the two small bottles and looked up to find a huge grin on my face! I was like a giddy child on Christmas morning (okay, I'm Jewish, I don't know what that's like - but I can certainly imagine)! I was so thankful. I knew it was silly, but it was the mommy in me that wanted to rescue my baby's little toys.

I threw my arms around Sam and kissed him, thanking him for being such a good husband to me so that I could stop thinking about where those damn things were! He laughed and thanked me for being a good mom to our son, caring about his things and what he would want us to do. Banner will never know that we dug through three bags of trash to find his little toys, washed them thoroughly, and rejoiced at our heroism. He will never know that it drove his mama crazy that something was missing that we had just seen and that we just couldn't go to sleep without finding it! But, he will know one day, because of these little things, these little acts, that his mommy and daddy love him SO much and are willing to do the silliest, stupidest, craziest things for him. Thank you, Sam, for humoring me. Thank you for knowing what would put my mind at ease. And, thank you, for all these little things!

Oh, and P.S. The house looks and smells amazing! Thanks, Shelby & Paul, for celebrating your big day here.... and thanks for giving us the big shove to get this house back in order! I love it! And, I love you. Congratulations!!

The Knee Issue... Part 2

So, if you have been keeping up with the knee issue, you know that I've had surgery to fix what was thought to be a meniscus tear, but it wasn't. Instead, it was lots of fluid and synovial clots in the knee joint. A synovial biopsy revealed that I had "severe, chronic synovitis." With elevated ANA (antinuclear antibodies) levels, which my orthopedist believed to be indicative of lupus, I went to see a rheumatologist. That's where we left off since my last update.

Since then, I've seen the rheumatologist, and he does not suspect lupus at all. Not only do 25% of females have higher ANA levels with no lupus, but I have no other signs or symptoms of this connective tissue disease. SO... what does he suspect? Well, he thinks that the swelling and pain are due to a form of rheumatoid arthritis, a form that can be undetected by the blood work my orthopedist did prior to surgery. Because my knee is still so swollen, and because he can't tell if the swelling is still due to surgery or not, examining me was difficult. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory drug to take for the next few weeks and see if that helps. In the meantime, we are awaiting the results of X-rays and blood work for more information. The good news is it's probably not lupus. The bad news is I still have no answers.

Just before leaving the rheumatologist's office, I asked the doctor if the physical therapy I'm doing could be worse for my knee if I did end up having arthritis. His answer was a definite yes - depending on what kind of therapy they are doing. So, as soon as I could ask the physical therapist about that, I did, and he agreed that if this is arthritis and I'm having a "flare," the exercises I've been doing for two weeks could, in fact, be hurting me more than healing me. UGH! How confusing! Anyhow, my homework for this weekend is to rest the knee, ice it, and elevate it. He says we'll reevaluate my status at my next appointment to determine the best course of action to protect my knee without causing any deterioration to my right quad.

I'm at a state of mental frustration not only because I'm in pain and have so much discomfort that keeps me from activities I'd like to be doing (mostly chasing Banner!), but because everything's so confusing. First I thought it was a meniscus tear, then there was no tear. Then I was told lupus, but it probably isn't. I was told it was not rheumatoid arthritis, but it may be. I was told PT would be helpful, but maybe it's not. I was told I should be less swollen by now, but I'm not. I was told to do knee exercises, but now I'm supposed to rest it. I just don't know what is best, and the doctors don't really know yet either.  I'm wondering if it was really necessary to have the surgery. I'm wondering if it was really necessary to do the blood work before surgery - obviously the orthopedist can't interpret the lab results the same way a rheumatologist can, and seemingly the orthopedist didn't order all of the right tests. Or, maybe I'm just a puzzle. Maybe the radiologist who read the MRI was wrong - seeing a tear when there wasn't one. Maybe my orthopedist misread it. Who knows? Either way, I feel like the surgery was unnecessary, the PT may be unnecessary, and the first round of blood work was inconclusive. We've spent a LOT of money for all of this and still have no definitive answers. (I know, welcome to medicine.)

I'm hopeful that we'll know more in the coming weeks. I have another orthopedist and another rheumatologist appointment right after Kira's wedding. I was really hoping to have all this behind me by then so I can fully enjoy my time and live up the night - dancing all night and not limping down the aisle. Still, that's a couple weeks away, so there is hope. I would just like to know more and to have more answers sooner rather than later.

How to Help...

I found this link on Pinterest today, and I just wanted to link it to my blog because I will definitely come back to it when my friends become moms, or when they add new little ones to their crew. I wish I had known how to ask for help in the early months of Banner's life. These are great ideas.

http://www.nicegirlnotes.com/ways-to-help-a-new-mom

The Knee Issue

If you read the previous post about my knee issue, you know I had surgery for what the orthopedist suspected was a lateral meniscus tear in my right knee. Surgery went well, yet four incisions around my kneecap helped the doctor use laproscopic equipment to confirm that there was, in fact, no meniscus tear and no cartilage damage in my knee. Instead, what they found was some synovial clots and fluid. They cleared that out (looked like spider webs on the photos Sam and I got to see at my post-op appointment a week after surgery), and the synovial fluid biopsy came back saying that it was "severe and chronic synovitis." All this means to me is that there was too much synovial fluid and that it had been going on for a while (chronic=not new) and that it was bad (not mild or moderate but severe). Also at the post-op appointment, I was given the results of some blood work that was done before surgery. The PT informed me that they would be referring me to a rheumatologist for more specific testing because my blood work showed that I may have lupus. This test came back as "highly suggestive of a connective tissue disease."

So, we waited for the rheumatologist's office to call to schedule an appointment. In the meantime, I began my physical therapy - three days a week for what is suspected to be a month - although I'm hoping I can push through the pain and get better faster! My orthopedist still says the swelling, tightness, and pain can take about three months to feel better after surgery. I'm hopeful it will be less than that and at Kira's wedding I will be able to dance the night away! :) Yet, at the same time, my knee feels extremely tight. It's hard to even turn over in bed. My goal is to be able to squat down, which would mean my knee is flexed to its limit, without hurting. The idea of that right now seems painful and unfathomable. I'm trying not to rush it considering surgery was so recent, but I guess I expected that if the doctor "solved the problem" then I would simply be able to move my leg as I wish soon after. At this point, though, the pain is way worse than before surgery, and my leg movement is a lot more limited. The physical therapist says that the only thing preventing me from using my knee the way I want is me. . . I just have to push through the pain. Otherwise, there is no reason I can't move it. But, it's REALLY painful and tight. It's really amazing how much I've taken my joints for granted. When I move my left knee, so smoothly and swiftly and painlessly, I realize how far I have to go with my right knee, and it's kind of overwhelming and discouraging. I even teared up at Kira's bridal portrait photo shoot - as I watched my mom so seamlessly smoothing Kira's train. I was both in pain and jealous as I watched her knees allow her body to the floor to fluff the dress or lay the veil more evenly.

I am beyond motivated to do my exercises each day to help improve the stretch, strength, and endurance in my knee. I miss being able to get up and down off the floor with Banner so easily. I miss being able to crawl around the room and chase him. I miss turning in bed and actually staying asleep! I miss getting in and out of the car with ease. I miss being able to kneel next to the bathtub to bathe Banner. I miss getting out of bed and not dreading the day due to the extreme stiffness first thing in the morning. I miss walking gracefully across a room - not limping or worrying about what I will have to step over or around. I miss just waking up and knowing I'll make it through the day without having to force myself to just keep going and push through my fatigue, exhaustion, and pain.

More updates to come....and hopefully we'll have some more answers!

What's in a Name . . . Part 3

I realized recently that I never posted about Banner's baby naming ceremony we had last year. I'm not sure what made me remember it, but as the anniversary of his naming approached, I thought it would be nice to publish the letter we read to Banner on his actual naming anniversary. We are Jewish, and in Judaism, baby boys are typically given their Hebrew names at their bris (circumcision ceremony 8 days after birth). While Banner was given a Hebrew name at his private bris (we only invited his grandparents), we did not share with our parents or the rabbi why we selected the important names (both English and Hebrew) Banner was given. We waited for his baby naming ceremony, which we held two months after he was born, to share that with our closest friends and family.

If you've read my previous posts about names, you know that they are important to me. I posted this before I got married, and I posted this before Banner was born. Today, on this first anniversary after Banner's naming, I'd like to share with everyone the letter we wrote to Banner and read at his ceremony. (A: means I read it aloud, S: means Sam read it.)

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Banner,

A: Today is your baby naming, where your family and our friends surround us, welcoming you to the world. You are probably not really aware of all the love in this room right now, but one day, we hope you know just how truly loved and wanted you are! You also probably don’t know just how emotional your mommy is, and I am most likely already crying or will begin crying soon! So, bear with me, as we read you some very deep thoughts that we’ve wanted to share with you for a very long time!

A: Your name is very important to your dad and me. We put a lot of thought into it, as so many of the people in the room know! We hope you will love your name as we do, and we hope, too, you will understand the symbolism and the great meanings behind such a unique name.

S: The definition of your first name, “Banner,” means several things. At first, I did not want you to have this name because all I could think of was that it meant “flag.” Upon deeper investigation, I found that it also meant “anything regarded or displayed as a symbol of principles.” Mommy and I both liked this definition, as we hope that you will stand for great principles.

A: The definition of your middle name, “Boone,” is “good.” When you put your two names together, therefore, you can see why we liked it so much: To represent something good.  To us, you are extremely special – the true definition of something good. We also hope you will stand for something great.

S: You also have a Hebrew name, Benhyle Ahava. These names were chosen for you by your mom and by me to honor the memory of two very special people in our lives. Because you won’t get to meet these special members of your family, we want to tell you about them now and let you know how you came to get this special Hebrew name.

A: My grandfather, Louis, your great-grandfather, was a very hard worker. Your dad has always reminded me of my Papa. Like Daddy, Papa had a strong work ethic, he put himself through college, he valued health and education, and he held his family in high regard. The Hebrew name, Benhyle, is in memory of my Papa, and it means “son of strength.” In these short months we’ve gotten to know you, we already know you are full of strength. Almost everyone who has held you says, “Wow! He’s so strong!” You have a strong will whether it’s to maneuver out of your tightly swaddled blanket, to hold that head up, to demand food, to exercise those lungs, or to fight sleep! We look forward to watching this strength continue to develop – in every sense of the word: physically, emotionally, mentally, cognitively, financially, spiritually, and socially. We hope you develop a strong sense of self, a strong work ethic, and strong friendships. Yes, my Papa was a strong man, but he is only one of many strong members of your family. You come from a family of giving nurturers, of dedicated learners, of courageous leaders, of heroic fighters, and brave survivors. We know you will fit right in – you already do!

S: My great-aunt Jeannie has always been a shining star in our family and always put family first. At every family event, it was Aunt Jeannie who took the reins to bring everyone together and keep everyone in touch. In fact, Mommy met Aunt Jeannie a couple times and has fond memories of her smiling brightly as the whole family sat in the living room chatting and laughing. Aunt Jeannie was a beautiful woman with a big heart. You could always tell Aunt Jeannie was happiest when she was surrounded by her loved ones.  Like Aunt Jeannie, your mommy always brightens the room when she walks in with her beautiful smile and spirit, and is happiest when she is with family. The second part of your Hebrew name, Ahava, means “love.”  We wanted you to have this name to remind you how important it is to show love to those around you, that taking time to enjoy your family is the highest of priorities, and that you are always loved.

S: Just like your English names make a statement when put together, so do your Hebrew names. We’ve thought about this – yes, we’re deep thinkers in this family, too! – and you could say that your Hebrew names together are “Son of Strong Love.” Mommy and I think of ourselves as having strong love. You should know that Mommy and I have been best friends since we were in high school. We value each other, and we value great friendships. We love being around each other, and we don’t take each other for granted. You were born from this great love, and we have waited for you for a long time!

A: One more thing, before we wrap this letter up. When your dad thought of the word “flag” when he first heard the name “Banner,” I thought it was somewhat fitting. Another of your great-grandfathers, my Grandpa, shares your birthday month. In fact, he was born on Flag Day, and it certainly makes me proud that you got to meet him just a couple weeks ago. He, too, is a special man full of strength – from work ethic to physical fitness.  Every June 14th, I celebrate my Grandpa’s life as we celebrate our country’s banner. And, I know from now on, when we fly our country’s flag on that day – I will celebrate you, too!

A: Your dad and I hope so many things for you, including that you like your name, as now you know it has very special meanings to us. We have so many things we want to teach you about from little things like music and movies to big things like God and the world.

S: We hope you love people, enjoy music, understand the value of friendship, find romance, think positively, believe in something, stand your ground and speak your mind, fight for fairness and equality, eat good foods, and find humor in life.

A: We hope you will love to laugh but be okay with crying. We hope you will be strong when faced with conflict and struggle but be sensitive to yourself and others. We hope you will take care of others but know when to take care of yourself, too. We hope you will look for answers but not be afraid to question. We want so many things for you, Banner, but mostly, we want you to be happy, healthy, and full of love!

We love you,

Mommy & Daddy

August 14, 2011

Mommy and Banner

Banner on his Naming Day!

With Rabbi Stern

With Aunt Gayle & Uncle Brock - Godparents

With Great-Grandpa

Banner and his parents and grandparents

14 Month Newsletter

Dear Banner,
Today you are 14 months old. What a fast month this has been! You have become quite the talker this month. That's definitely the biggest change - as I expected. Before I tell you about that, let me fill you in on some other areas:

Physically, you are walking and climbing faster and faster. You like to step up on things (like boxes, step-stools, the fireplace). You love to push things around the house from one room to the other and get frustrated when the threshold of the next room creates an obstacle. You quickly figure out how to maneuver the box/activity table/bin/rocking horse, and you go about sliding the item across the floor. We're working on using a fork and spoon, as well as how to keep the plate/bowl on the table/highchair tray.  You also like to put toys in and out of containers (mostly hiding random toys in a stash inside an empty (currently, Huggies) box. When I can't find something, after looking in the usual places, I will ultimately remember your newest hobby and go retrieve the missing item from your box. Your favorite naughty activities include opening the trash can (once you took Uncle Erick's shoe and happily put it in the trash can), turning the knobs on the stereo, and hitting the TV screen. If we weren't watching, you'd love to get your hands in the toilet water, too. Speaking of...you LOVE the water - splash grounds, sprinklers, pools - makes no difference, you are in heaven! You giggle at the cold water tickling your skin, and this just lights ME up!

Emotionally, you need us (especially Daddy) still at night but only for a minute or two. You are extremely attached to Daddy who is working from home, and you don't understand why he won't come play with you after taking a coffee/bathroom/lunch break. You are very set in your ways about your routine, especially bedtime (making me all the more anxious about not being the one to put you to bed for three nights in a row a few weeks from now for Aunt Kira/Uncle Erick's wedding!). You are also MUCH more testy these days. You want what you want - and you let us know when you are upset! You've whined much more this month than any other preceding month, as I expected would start to happen. I'm trying very hard to just be tolerant and know that your frustration is typical, normal, and inevitable for this point in your development, but it sure stinks watching my content child become pissed off more often! You've also mastered the fake cry/whine. I, though, have mastered the "ignore the fake cry."

Socially, you are doing well playing with your play date friends. You tried to tackle Landry earlier this month, but I think you just wanted to hug him. You and Ella play pretty well together, and you call Brycen "Baby." You still seem to idolize your older cousins, watching their every moves and getting excited when you are around them.

Linguistically, you are really taking off! Your vocabulary consists of the words: Mama, Dada, baby, zoo, dah (dog), mo (more), hah (hot), coco (cold), naNAna (banana), cackah (cracker), baba (bottle), wawa (waffle), bubba (bubble), bah (ball), meh (mail). Most every food is currently "cracker." You point for what you want, you grab our hands and lead us to show us what you need/want, and you are constantly trying so hard to mirror our words or to initiate your own sounds. You are extremely good about watching our mouths and trying to mimic us. Just last night, you turned to me at the dinner table and stared at me with an inquisitive face when I said, "Apple." You watched me say it slowly to you a couple times - deliberately examining my mouth. Then, 30-seconds later, you produced, "ah-pah." Your receptive language, as I mentioned last month, is still awesome! I am pretty sure you even understand when I tell you something like, "You can have a snack after I change your diaper," when you are whining for a snack. I even told you today, "First diaper, then snack." You immediately calm down, as if you just needed to know the sequence of events. . . just needed to know what was coming. You know the sounds for sheep, duck, lion, and cow. You sign "more" for anything you want more of - me to sing, more food, more milk, more tickles, more silly faces. Daddy thinks you may even use the sign as a way of saying, "please," because you sign it so sweetly.

Other stats: you're wearing 12 month and 12-18 month clothing; you're still in size 4 diapers (and 5's at night); you still take two naps a day but can function okay on just one if we have to; you still take your milk in a bottle - an issue I'm just not willing to tackle yet but will soon!; we moved your bedtime back about an hour so you are in your crib around 8:00pm which has helped tremendously in helping all of us have more of a life; you wake up around 7:00-7:30am; still no more teeth yet... haven't had any new ones in about 4 months(!) so any day now those bottom sides will make their way up. You still have 4 on top and 2 on bottom. We weighed you at home the other day (which always leaves room for tons of error!), and you weigh about 24 1/2 pounds. You seem to be getting taller and leaner, too.

I am still working with you on how to roll a ball, use a fork/spoon, drink milk from a sippy cup, and just yesterday, how to hold our hand and stay with us in public! You love to get rowdy in a restaurant - mostly because you are so happy and like to test how your voice sounds in a large room. You like to say, "AHHH!" down a grocery store aisle as well. I'm constantly trying to remind you to stay quiet, but you don't understand that idea so much right now! We're also trying more and more to use a pen/crayon/marker without you eating it... you're starting to get the idea, but you don't quite resist the urge to chew on it... you even took the tip off a dry-erase crayon (yes, crayon) the other day. Luckily, Grandma and I got it out of your mouth, but our art activity came to a quick halt shortly after that. You liked drawing, but you liked eating more!

One of my favorite little things about you right now is your experimentation with silly faces. You like to try to mirror funny faces we make - especially pulling the corners of your mouth downward and back. It's hysterical to watch, and you giggle at our faces, too! Daddy and I are really seeing your sense of humor develop more and more, and you are quite the funny little guy. He has made several comments the past week or so about how you see the humor in things and how you have great "comedic timing." You love when we read a book to you - like your Goodnight Sh'ma - and how I peek up slowly behind the book, hiding bits of my face behind any given side. You crack up and ask for more. 

This month was a bit challenging for me as your stay-at-home mommy because of my knee issues. Getting around has been rough, especially as you've gotten faster and more into EVERYTHING! I need to be quick, and that's been hard on me. I've needed a lot of help from lots of people around us - and we're lucky that so many people love us and can help out - but I've hated not being able to be more available to you. I think that's getting better - way too slowly for my liking, which really frustrates and aggravates me, but the past week since my knee surgery, I've been exceptionally more hands-off than any other time in your life. I've only changed one diaper in the past week, for example! I've only helped with one bath! And, I worried that you would be mad at me, that you'd forget about me... sometimes it has felt that you don't really care and are just glad to have more time with Daddy.  But, that all changed last night. We had more one-on-one time yesterday afternoon and evening, and as I said my goodnights to you, you suddenly and without prompting reached your arms around my neck and rested your head on my shoulder for our first real hug. I sobbed into your tiny neck as I embraced you right back. What an amazing gift that was for me, Baby Boy. . . and Daddy got to see it on his 30th birthday, too!

I hope you know how loved you are. I try so hard to just savor these days of you - of holding your tiny, smooth hand; of catching those unprompted kisses; of giving you light tickles on your neck or down your back and hearing that soft giggle; of having you come bring me a book you want me to read to you and feeling you climb into my lap to hear your story; of holding your small body in my arms and feeling your head against my chest; of seeing those eyes light up with delight when you are so proud of yourself or when something is so silly. I love you, Banner Boone. You are loved. You are love.

Happy 14 Months, Angel Baby!
Love,
Mommy