He Looks Like ____

I admit it. I'm guilty of looking at a baby or a child and trying to determine whom he or she looks like: Mommy or Daddy - or any other person in the family. That was one thing I couldn't wait for when I was pregnant, to see who Banner most resembled. I also knew that he would change drastically in his first year of life, so the answer to that question was always changing this year. At first, Banner reminded me very much of my father-in-law. Sam and I agreed that Banner was like a little Richard with those eyebrows and forehead. Other than that, Banner seemed to look like my side of the family at that time. I remember Sam's mom, Leslie, saying, "When a baby is born, everyone wants the baby to look like them." She said this because she was bummed that Banner really didn't look like her or her side of the family. Sam and I are sad that she did not live long enough to see Banner grow and change to resemble his Bubbie more and more each day. There are so many facial expressions that Banner makes that look like Bubbie, and his mouth shape and movements remind me so much of her.

Most people say Banner looks so much like Sam. Banner does have his daddy's hair color and texture, and his lighter eyes are much more similar to Sam's eye color. Given the darkness of my eyes and especially my hair, looking in the mirror with Banner right next to me begs the question: how could this baby be my child? His coloring is so different than mine. So, I understand when even my closest friends will tell me that Banner looks like Sam and barely resembles me at all. The problem with this, though, is that when Banner smiles, he reminds me of my mother. I see her in his beaming eyes and bright smile. I've felt this way for months; the "light up the room" effect Banner has is so Mom. And people tell me that she and I look alike. So, I pulled some pictures of me when I was a baby to prove that maybe, just maybe, this baby of mine is, in fact, really mine.

So, you be the judge. If you cover my hair and pretend my eyes are blue, you can see Banner, right? It might just be that this boy is his mother's son!

18 months

I think this is at a year old

And now, here's for some of Banner next to my baby pics:

1 year old

No matter who he looks like, I just love this kid. He's a great mix of both of us, if you ask me. What I love more than anything, though, is that he's his own person. Oh, Banner Boone. . . I just love you, son, with those blue eyes, light brown hair, dimples, squeezable cheeks, soft eyebrows, delicate skin, button nose, long lashes, and kissable lips!

My Extended Family

This is the speech I read to my colleagues earlier today when saying goodbye to the staff at BE (abbreviated for privacy). I was reluctant to share it at first because I know how much they were ready to just get out of the building and begin their summer breaks, but I had to have a bit of closure, and I'm glad I was able to share these thoughts with them. When I looked up (after being unable to really make eye contact while holding back tears), most of the faculty members had tears in their eyes. It was a a nice moment to end my time with such amazing people:

"As Banner fights sleep in his crib, I sit watching the baby monitor feeling so blessed that I have this little boy in my life. My heart is full, ready to burst open that I get to enjoy more time with him this summer and on. But, as the school year comes to an end, and I've said my good-byes to my counselor colleagues, my students, and many parents, I'm nostalgic for all the times I've spent with the staff members at this school. I want you all to know that leaving this team, this extended family of mine, is not easy.

BE has been a second home to me since I was in first grade here in Ms. Draper's class, although she was Ms. Moehle at the time. I had amazing teachers like Ms. Stamps, Ms. Griffin, Ms. Kenny, Ms. Young, Ms. Moore, Ms. Yonce, Ms. Dixon, Ms. Rice, and Ms. McDaniel. I was a peer helper in high school for Ms. Break, and Ms. Bolling was my tour guide on the day I interviewed for a teaching position. As a first year teacher, I was mentored by Ms. Tuthill, and later Ms. Thigpen and Ms. Myrick became my close friends and supporters through almost every aspect of my life since we started working together. Ms. Daly, Ms. Caplinger, and Ms. Pasch were like the big sisters I never had - and I so loved sharing my time with them across the hall. Then, I became a counselor, and everyone celebrated this new role with me, even if they were reluctant because I was young and inexperienced. Serving on ILT with Ms. Harker and Ms. Whitten was such a blessing too, as I learned how those benchmark scores really did give us some interesting data, and we learned together each year how to write a damn good CIP. Ms. Farrar and Ms. Low have been amazing principals, both believing in me and helping me meet my personal and professional goals. I could go on and on about all the people I have worked with throughout these past 8 years - the parents I won't forget, the students who have forever left their hand prints not only on our cafeteria walls but in each of our hearts. But, summer would be over before I even made a dent in that list.

I remember moving into my classroom 8 years ago feeling overwhelmed and scared. I was nervous for my first real professional job, and I didn't know anyone except my two former teachers who were at BE. Since those early days of being afraid to use the copier and not knowing what the hell a "sub-pop" meant, I have learned so much. This school and everyone in it taught me that I was capable, that I was professional, that I was actually good at what I have dreamed of doing all my life. I learned from so many amazing people while I have been here. I've learned to believe in myself and to teach others how to do the same. I've learned to be patient and calm even when I wanted to scream my head off. I've learned to stand up for what I know and feel even if it means a parent will argue with me. I've learned how to reach out for help, how to take one day at a time during those stressful weeks and months, how to solve complex problems with patience and discussion, and how school spirit goes a long, long way! I may have even learned things I hope to never use again like restraining a kid while he's biting me, taking ARD minutes that might end up in court, evacuating a school that has no running water, finding out who smeared poop all over the bathroom walls, running all over the school to find kids who are being picked up in the middle of a tornado warning, yelling at parents to move their cars during 3:00 dismissal because the fire trucks have to get in the driveway, calmly leaving a faculty party to get to the hospital as fast as I can, tolerating an "advocate" who believes beating the principal with a ruler counts as a seizure, knowing how to handle the news that my nephew was among the three kids who peed on a tree at recess, and/or hunting a school for a bomb.

While work is always work - and most days I wished it were still the weekend - walking into this building each day was like coming home. Summers and weekends flew by, and every morning I walked through those double doors or through the door to my classroom or office, the smell, the sights, the faces I would see, these were home to me, and I will miss so much of my life here. The feeling of knowing I helped a Kindergartener separate more comfortably from his mother, the feeling of hearing that a second grader has learned to tackle her anger issues, the feeling of knowing my lunch bunch group has helped a third grader deal with his parents' divorce, the feeling of knowing it's MY advice a fourth grader wants on how to handle her test anxiety, the feeling of helping to provide a fifth grader with his school supplies for the year since his family can't afford them, the feeling of connection I feel to that mourning first grader who depends on me to listen when he can't remember what his dad looked like anymore, or the feeling of knowing that each student is desperately awaiting my next guidance lesson to see what else Yello-Dyno is going to teach them this year about safety. . . those are just rewarding experiences I will miss. And, I will miss the camaraderie and friendships I have built through the years. I will miss reminiscing with my peers about former students we loved, I will miss the teachers' lounge conversations sharing everything from our favorite recipes to how our husbands annoyed the shit out of us the night before. I'll miss the deep ethical discussions we would sort through together. I will miss the many families who welcomed me in to their lives, who sought my guidance, or who shed tears in the quiet of my office. I will miss when former students would come back to visit - telling me how great junior high is or how they got accepted to their first choice college. I will miss watching the great improvement of some of our special education students. I will miss celebrating with their parents when we reflect upon how far they have come since those early days, and I will miss the feeling of watching a sixth grader finally graduate after 7 years in the shelter of this elementary school with a look of both accomplishment and of fear as he walks across the stage to shake his teachers' hands.

The truth is, the BE staff members make this place what it is - an extended, caring family for anyone who has the privilege of being here, a sorority of friends who support each other. We've cried together and jumped for joy together. You've watched as I went from my 20s to my 30s; you celebrated as I went from single to married; you nurtured me as Mom went through her second round of breast cancer; you shared my excitement when I announced my pregnancy; and then supported me as I started navigating my way into motherhood.  And, I will miss seeing these familiar, sweet faces each day.

But, I have all of these amazing memories to take with me, and all of these students, their families, and their spectacular teachers have helped to make me the person I am today. I believe these people and these experiences will make me a better mother to Banner, and I believe, too, that being Banner's mother and being at home with him will make me a better counselor when I decide to come back in a few years.  Yes, that's the plan: I'm not saying goodbye to my professional life altogether. I plan to return when Banner (and his siblings) are older.... maybe even to BE.


Until then, please call me to sub next year! In the meantime, I know you can't wait to get outta here and let your summer begin! You all deserve a restful, relaxing, LONG, slow summer. As for me, I will be here until Wednesday afternoon if you feel like hanging out and helping me pack!, and then, I'll be headed home to give Banner his big birthday gift - his Mommy."

Summer Begins!

Today feels like the official first day of summer, even though I know we have a few weeks before the season starts. School's not even out yet, but this weekend felt like a good time to say "Happy Summer!" While Friday was a rough day, the rest of the weekend was spent with family and friends which warmed my heart and did a lot of good for my soul. Sam even told me tonight that he felt like this weekend was one of the best weekends he's ever had. I feel a little weird saying that given that we buried my grandfather only a few days ago, but a little bit of family and fun goes a long way. It's what Grandpa would have wanted, anyway, so maybe it's fitting. Here's a quick review:

Friday late afternoon/evening was spent with Sam & Banner at my aunt/uncle's house, and so many of my out of town family got to meet Banner for the first time. Saturday, I tried to sleep in while Sam got up with Banner, but the damn dog next door woke me by 7:15. So, we had a little extra family time before heading to my nephew's 2nd birthday party. After that was over, Banner & I headed to my dad's house which was 30 minutes away from the birthday party. I hauled a$$ there so I could try to make the most of Banner's "awake" time. At Dad's, more family got to see and play with (and follow) Banner. Then, all too quickly, I had to get Banner home to start his nap - already an hour late. After a great 2 hour nap, Banner woke up in time for Sam & I to do some very quick Babies 'R Us shopping and then head to my aunt/uncle's house again for a memorial service with the rabbi. More memories were shared about Grandpa, and more time for my family to see Banner before Sam snuck out with him to get Banner to bed, again, already an hour late. Sunday was more of a lazy day. It was my day up early with Banner, and when Sam got up he quickly left to go donate blood - something he does once a month. When he returned home, after Banner's first nap, Sam took Banner to Sam's best friend's parents' house for a bit. Then, Banner napped again before we headed to my cousin's 1st birthday party! The party was fun, creative, and a chance to see more family and friends. Then, Mom, Bob, Sam, Banner, and I went out to eat for a quick bite. It was nice to eat dinner with them - and to be out with Banner, too. Then, we went home, put Banner to bed, and watched a movie. After a rough sleep for Banner, Monday morning, Sam and I both got up with him. By 8:15 we were getting gas, grocery shopping, and stopping for donuts on our way home. Banner went down for nap at 9:30, and when he woke up, we went to my mom's house where we spent the rest of the day swimming and eating!

And this is where my favorite part starts! After we fed Banner lunch, we got him ready for his first swim. I had wanted to take Banner swimming last summer when he was itty-bitty, but his umbilical cord took a month to fall off completely(!), the doctor advised against being in the heat, and with his eczema flaring up right at the end of summer and then it getting too cold to get in the pool, a first swim just never happened. So, I've been waiting for the weather to get nice enough to finally take Banner in the pool. It was also important to me that Sam be with us during Banner's first swim experience, which has made me pass up other opportunities in the recent few weeks. Anyway, the water was pretty chilly when I first stepped in. I put Banner's feet on the first step, and he didn't seem to mind as much as I did! I stayed a step lower than he did, and I was freezing, so I was worried he was going to want out or start crying. Much to my surprise and delight, Banner beamed and squealed with excitement. It was like he's been waiting for this day all his life! He loved the water. He wanted to keep getting that little body deeper in the pool. He never cried the whole time we were there, and he also let me scoop him under water a handful of times. Sam and I were both very pleased with this whole experience. Banner gladly went back and forth to us, and he even seemed to want to let go of us - if only we would have let him! He walked along the long second step/ledge and patted the wall of the pool. He loved to smack and splash the water.

Since he was so happy in the water, I worried he'd cry when we took him in for his nap. In luck again, Sam and I rinsed and dried Banner and easily got him down for a nap. I couldn't help give him another dip in the pool after his nap! Again, he was so excited to be in the pool.

The rest of the afternoon/evening, we talked, played, and ate dinner with the family. Mom and Sam grilled dinner for all of us.  As we sat down to dinner, Kira said, "Now THIS is summer!" I so agree, and I think Banner's gonna like his first "conscious" summer! ;) If today is any hint of what is to come this season, I can't wait!

These 18month swim shorts are a little too big but they'll do!

On his way up from an underwater dip

Pretending to surf

Uncle Brock, Brycen, Mommy, Banner, Daddy, Mara, & Caden

Memorial Day

Memorial: something designed to preserve the memory of a person, event, etc., as a monument or a holiday; preserving the memory of a person or thing; commemorative; of or pertaining to the memory. 

Today was Grandpa's funeral, and it was also the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. Fitting, I think. Lots of memories. My memorial day began with Mom picking me up from work to drive to the funeral home to see Grandpa one last time. Once we arrived, Mom and I waited in the large waiting area - a very nice, calm, peaceful, open room which I had been in a few times before. It was hard to even sit in the waiting area (while the funeral home director made sure Grandpa was "ready" for us) because of the rush of memories that came flooding back. I remember sitting there when both my grandmothers passed, my cousin, and my Papa. I thought of them in their coffins and how each of them looked as I prepared myself to see Grandpa. I knew he would look different - and sometimes that is a bit scary and weird. But, before I could think too much more about it, the director escorted Mom and I back to Grandpa's room. 

I was so glad I went to see him. When I had last seen Grandpa, he was lying in his nursing home bed about 30 minutes after he passed away. He looked old, sick, and distressed. Upon entering the funeral home room, seeing Grandpa in his coffin gave me peace and relief to see him looking much more at rest. Of all my family members who have died, and who I got to see in their caskets, Grandpa looked the most like himself. He looked clean-shaven, very thin, and peaceful. There's no other word for it - very peaceful. His hands were still - which was a rare thing to see these past several years, as they would always tremor just a bit. His lips were thinner than I'm used to seeing, and he had a faint line of red around his eyes, but when I'd look at his facial skin - I could "find" my grandpa. There was that cheek that I kissed so many times. There was his bald head that we splashed water on when we were little. And, upon his head, he wore the yarmulke from my wedding. He looked decent, dignified, and respectable in his suit. He looked distinguished, and I was proud he was my grandpa.

After many tears and hugs between Mom and me, I told Grandpa one last time that I loved him. And, as we walked out, the funeral director asked that I sign a verification of identity form. I had never done that before, and I felt a little odd being the one to do it. The director assured me that no one else would be there to do it, so I felt it was okay to sign it (and I immediately called my dad to be sure it was okay). In that moment of writing "granddaughter" on the line with the word "relationship" underneath it, I felt that maybe I was doing one last thing for Grandpa, even if it was minor. As I wrote that word, I felt a bond to him as all the little girl memories came back - running to his car after school to get to the chocolate he would bring us, riding the little scooter all over his house and in the front yard, pretending the "little pool" at his house was a fast food restaurant that Kira would swing by on her raft in the "big pool" where I would take her order, watching Grandpa cut the bushes with his big shears, holding his hand on my wedding day, and so many more. 

The day continued with the funeral service at Temple. As the family entered the synagogue, I saw a choir loft full of blue-robed singers ready to sing for Grandpa. I did not know they would be there, and I turned to my mom with tears in my eyes and asked if she knew they would be there. She nodded, and I cried. I was touched that they were there to give a "send-off" to him. I loved that the choir he loved to sing in and be a part of for the past 25 years or so was there. Each time the choir sang and those tenor voices joined in, I got a little weepy - almost as if I could hear my grandpa's deep singing voice among them. And, then, so many memories of watching him sing in the choir loft, of coming to his holiday performances at the mall, of hearing him sing in the car - they all came rushing in. And I was grateful.

Speeches and prayers were nice - a little long, but how do you wrap up (almost) 94 years of love and of life into a short time? So many things to reflect on and share, and so much of what was shared was repeated again and again, proving that Grandpa was true to himself and to those around him. He was such a a good man with wonderful qualities that everyone wanted to make sure to mention. 

Following the service, we slowly made our way to the graveside. Before the rabbi began, the Honor Guard placed the American flag over Grandpa's coffin. In that moment of seeing our country's flag on the casket, I was overcome by my feelings of not only patriotism but also of my pride in my grandfather's contributions to our country. Is it weird to say I have never been prouder of who my grandpa was than in those moments staring at his flag-covered casket? One of the soldiers played "Taps" on the trumpet, a song I think I've only heard in war movies where the fallen soldiers are being honored. After the trumpet blares stopped, the Honor Guard carefully and meticulously folded the flag and turned to my aunt to present her with the flag. Then, the rabbi began the final prayers before the casket was slowly lowered. This moment, as is true for every funeral I've been to, was the hardest. I guess I'm just really poetic in the thinking I have - this is the last time Grandpa would be above the earth, the last time he'd be in the sunshine, the last time he'd be a part of the living world, the last time we'd be this close to his body. Everything having to do with Grandpa from that moment on would only be a memory.

At the conclusion of the service, we were able to perform one final mitzvah (good deed) for Grandpa by shoveling dirt on the coffin to help bury him. As Sam and I made our way to the shovel, I placed 4 Hershey kisses on top of the coffin. Why four? Well, my other grandfather, Papa, always said that you should only have 4 Hershey kisses. And, well, for most of my childhood, my memories of Grandpa revolved around him picking us up from school with chocolate, and he'd spend time with us at my mom's house after he'd pick us up. So, I placed one chocolate from each of us: Mom, Brock, Kira, and me. Then, Sam and I each shoveled a scoop of dirt onto the casket. Then, just as we had done at Sam's mom's burial, Sam and I shoveled a scoop together to symbolize Banner's mitzvah in helping bury his great-grandfather. 

The rest of the evening was spent around family and friends just doing what Grandpa would have wanted most - for us to be together. It's hard to believe his life is over. I feel a great sense of closure today, which is a blessing. When Sam's mom died, it was sudden and unexpected. Grandpa, however, lived a wonderful 93 years, and, at least until the past couple in the nursing home, his years were spent well. He was active, fit, generous, loving, giving, committed, kind, and genuine. His life was well-lived, and we have so many memories to look back on with happiness. 

I wish death and its aftermath were not a part of our human experience. But, if it has to be, then I find peace knowing that Grandpa lived a good, long, healthy life to watch his 3 children, his 12 grandchildren, and his 8 great-grandchildren grow and be happy and healthy, too. I feel more closure, too, in having seen him again today looking so handsome and peaceful. 

Rest in peace, Grandpa. I love you, I am proud of you, and I celebrate you this Memorial Day - today - and everyday.

Big Day

My little sister and my little brother share the same birthday but 9 years apart. She turned 30 today. He turned 21. A big day. It's a day they've both been ready to celebrate. But, last night I got news that my grandfather was not doing well. Dad said if we wanted to say our goodbyes, we needed to get up to the nursing home in the next couple of days. So, last night, I had plans to leave work today as soon as possible so that I could make it to the home and still go out for the birthday dinner. Mom had Banner up from his nap, changed his diaper, and grabbed a bottle. As we were putting Banner in the car, Mom got a call from the birthday girl saying that Grandpa had just passed away.

We were still 30 minutes away. If we had left 30 minutes earlier, we might have made it in time to say our goodbyes before he stopped breathing. But, since Grandpa's health has been deteriorating for a while now, every time I have left the home I say my goodbyes - not knowing if I'd see him again. Today, I arrived knowing that he would never see me or Banner again. I arrived knowing this was the last time I would see my Grandpa, but I still got to whisper "I love you" in his ear.

Kira told us that she was alone with Grandpa when he died. She was with him, singing a favorite Gershwin song "Someone to Watch Over Me," when she felt him slip away. Hospice had just been in the room to check Grandpa, and they anticipated a couple more days, so they were shocked when 30 minutes later, Kira asked them to check him, saying that his breaths had stopped and she didn't feel a heartbeat. Kira just knew. Something told her to sing. Something told her to stay with him. Something told her he was gone.

What a birthday, right? In some weird way, though, I think Grandpa gave her the most beautiful gift. She will remember that moment forever - that she could be the one to sing to him as his beautiful life ended. Maybe that's what he was waiting for. He loved to sing; he loved music; he loved his family. Maybe he just needed that, needed her. Personally, I am so relieved to know he wasn't alone. I am so relieved that she could help ease any pain or discomfort or fear. What a mitzvah (good deed) she did for him, the last one anyone could do for him before he died. I hope she knows how proud of her I am. I hope she knows how special that is. As awful as it is to lose your last living grandparent, alone, on your birthday, your 30th birthday!, I think it's a beautiful moment that she can take with her forever.

May 21st. Kira's birthday. Trey's birthday. Grandpa's last day. It's been a big day.

Here's a link to a post I wrote a couple of years ago when Grandpa's health started to decline.

To Be or Not to Be......

I have to be honest by telling you all that I have not been very honest. Well, I have been, but I've been lying by omission I suppose. It's been extremely difficult for me to NOT blog about the thoughts I've had and the decisions I've had upon me these past five months or so. This has been THE toughest decision of my life so far, and to not write about it or talk much about it with more than Sam, my mom, my sister, and a short list of extremely close friends has been taxing and challenging to say the least. I'd have to say it's been almost as hard as keeping my pregnancy a secret so long ago.

This decision I'm referring to is the all-too-common "should I work or should I stay-at-home" dilemma so many career-driven parents face when they have children. While I've dropped hints here and there on this blog, I haven't been the most forthcoming about all the details of such a big, controversial decision. I've thought about this decision every.single.day since Banner was born, and on some days, I can't stop thinking about it. And, it truly is the toughest decision I've had to make... I knew I wanted a baby, I knew I wanted to marry Sam (even if I did have a few commitment-phobic moments after my family history freaked me out!), I knew which college and graduate school I wanted to go to, I knew what car I wanted, I knew the right house would come along, I wasn't terribly picky about my wedding planning (see some of my earliest posts), and so many other decisions along the way just didn't seem to weigh as much on my mind as this one... okay, with one big exception of choosing Banner's name. Other than that, I've never thought about something every minute of every day for so long with my heart and my mind in complete conflict.

I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. I'm a feminist, definitely, but part of what I love about feminism is the empowering of women (and men) to make choices, to have a say, and to do what they want. If that means I want to stay at home with my child(ren), then I have the right to do that. It should absolutely not be expected for a woman to stay at home, but it should be valued if she so chooses to pursue this endeavor. And, Sam is in complete agreement with these feelings I have. Never once has he expected me to stay at home; he has always wanted to be able to help me find a way to do that if I wanted to. So, with that in mind, I have always dreamed that I'd stay at home with my young children - which has made this particular year so difficult for me internally.

Every day spent away from my young infant was torture. Yes, there were moments of gratitude that I could get away for a bit, that I could pee in private, that I could sit in my office checking email without Banner tugging on me, that at least I didn't have to clean spit-up off of me the entire day, that Mom could be the one to help me nap-train Banner and I could skip out on that frustration early on, and so on. But, every day I have felt guilty being away from him, I have felt sad missing some of his firsts, I have felt like I was starving for my baby. I want to be there. These are the days that I cannot get back, and I never want to regret missing any more time than I already have.

It's true that with my (not-so-impressive) income, we could afford more experiences for Banner. We would be able to spend money without having to budget so tightly. We would be able to take him more places, sign up for classes, buy more toys, etc, but Sam and I decided none of that is worth the memories we will make and the precious time we would spend together if I stayed at home. I will be able to take Banner up to Sam's office and let him see his daddy in the middle of the day. Our day will start and end more calmly for the whole family. And Grandma can be Grandma again and not Banner's babysitter.

The two biggest factors in making this decision so incredibly tough are/were:
1. Finances
2. I love my career

Finances and expenses are a given. Anyone would be better off with two incomes instead of one. The factor I want to elaborate on is that I absolutely love my job and where I work. I am a school counselor at an amazing school - the school I attended as an elementary student. I love my colleagues, and I have made some deep friendships in the past 8 years. While work is always work - and most days I wished it were still the weekend - walking into that building each day was like coming home. Summers and weekends flew by, and every morning I walked through those double doors or through the door to my classroom or office, the smell, the sights, the faces I would see, those were home to me. I have been good at what I do, I am making an impact on young students' lives, and I have been an extended member of many families. Giving that up will be hard. I'm not saying that being with Banner isn't enough to make up for that entirely - it's just that giving it up will be hard. That's all. The feeling of knowing I helped a Kindergartener separate more comfortably from his mother, the feeling of hearing that a second grader has learned to tackle her anger issues, the feeling of knowing my lunch bunch group has helped a third grader deal with his parents' divorce, the feeling of knowing it's MY advice a fourth grader wants on how to handle her test anxiety, the feeling of helping to provide a fifth grader with his school supplies for the year since his family can't afford them, the feeling of connection I feel to that mourning first grader who depends on me to listen when he can't remember what his dad looked like anymore, or the feeling of knowing that each student is desperately awaiting my next guidance lesson to see what else Yello-Dyno is going to teach them this year about safety. . . those are just rewarding experiences I will miss. And, I will miss the camaraderie and friendships I have built through the years. I will miss reminiscing with my peers about former students we loved, I will miss the teachers' lounge conversations about our favorite recipes or how our husbands annoyed us the night before or the deep ethical discussions we would sort through together. I will miss the many families who welcomed me in to their lives, who sought my guidance, or who shed tears in the quiet of my office. I will miss when former students would come back to visit - telling me how great junior high is or how they got accepted to their first choice college. I will miss watching the great improvement of some of our special education students. I will miss celebrating with their parents when we reflect upon how far they have come since those early days, and I will miss the feeling of watching a sixth grader finally graduate after 7 years in the shelter of this elementary school with a look of both accomplishment and of fear as he walks across the stage to shake his teachers' hands.

Many staff members in my school building have become my extended family, a sorority of friends who support me. These colleagues of mine have mentored me and taught me so much. They've watched as I went from my 20s to my 30s; they celebrated as I went from single to married; they nurtured me as Mom went through her second round of breast cancer; they shared my excitement when I announced my pregnancy; and they supported me as I started navigating my way into motherhood.  And, I will miss seeing these familiar, sweet faces each day.

But, I have all of these amazing memories to take with me, and all of these students, their families, and their spectacular teachers have helped to make me the person I am today. I believe these people and these experiences will make me a better mother to Banner, and I believe, too, that being Banner's mother and being at home with him will make me a better counselor when I decide to go back in a few years.  Yes, that's the plan: I'm not saying goodbye to my professional life altogether. I plan to return when Banner (and his siblings) are older.

Until then, I've decided I'm going to be a substitute teacher at this same school so I can continue to be a part of the community I love so much. Banner will go to my mom's twice a week so I can sub and have a couple days at my second home. In the meantime, I'm sorry I didn't share all these thoughts earlier. I'm sorry I wasn't as open as I always intend to be through this blog. But, I needed space and time to constantly question what is right for me, for my family, for Banner. So, please accept my apology in not sharing exactly what I've been thinking about all these months. I'm just glad I can be honest and open about it now. I promise there will be more posts on the working/not working mom debate. I have SO many thoughts (on both sides) to share in the coming weeks, months, years. . . In the meantime, I can't wait for summer to begin, and for me to give Banner his big birthday gift - his Mommy.

My First Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day began on Saturday night. We went to my father-in-law's house to have dinner there with family. It was nice to be around everyone, but unfortunately dinner wasn't ready before I had to leave to get Banner home for bath and bed. Sam stayed for dinner while I went home and got some extra one-on-one time with Banner, who did beautifully going down for bed after some snuggle time with me. Sam brought dinner home for me, and then upon my request, he went to get me some Yogurtville yumminess! We watched one of our shows, and off to bed we went - both of us exhausted from the day.

Zaide & Banner

Cousin Natalie & Banner

Love that Banner's face is the only crystal clear part of the photo

Because it was Sunday (MY day to sleep in!), and of course because it was Mother's Day, I got to sleep in Sunday morning while Sam got up with Banner. I slept until about 8:30, and when I got up, the house smelled amazing! Sam was shocked I was up so early (although 8:30 is well past my now-normal wake-up time!), and he asked me to stay out of the kitchen and to go back to the bedroom. So, after some hugs and kisses with Banner, I gladly headed back to the bedroom to rest and relax. About 30 minutes later, my boys headed in to bring me my breakfast they had worked so hard making: bagel, eggs, and hash brown casserole. Yum!

Sam put Banner down for a nap shortly after I started enjoying my breakfast in bed, and after I ate, I decided a little more quality time with my bed was in order. Oh how I have missed just laying in bed for that long - just snoozing, relaxing, not moving, resting, and enjoying the peace and quiet! Around 10:45, Banner woke up and brought me 2 greeting cards and a wrapped gift. The cards were addressed to "Mommy" and to "My OTL" (One True Love). I opened Banner's first and was in LOVE with the card he selected. Then, I opened Sam's card, and I was shocked that I made it through both cards without a tear. I even looked at Sam and said, "And I didn't cry!"

 Then, I unwrapped the gift wrap which had a Willow Tree box inside. I carefully pulled out the styrofoam casing, and as I looked at the figurine inside, I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. This gift was too perfect, capturing the way I feel about Banner and how I want to freeze time with him in my arms just like this. I love, too, how the baby has curls!

After I stopped crying and got ready to go, the three of us headed to the cemetery to pay our respects to Sam's mom. It didn't feel real as we drove the 20 minutes or so to the cemetery. But, as we walked up to where she was laid to rest, a place I had not been since her funeral, a place Banner had never been before, it was all too real. I still can't believe she's not here anymore. I thought back to all the Mother's Day celebrations we've had before - brunches with bagels and blueberry cake, family chatter and jokes being told, all of us making fun of how she was still slowly eating when everyone else was done - and here we were, my first Mother's Day, and Sam's first Mother's Day without his mom. Bittersweet. Ironic. I don't know the right word, but weird is what it is. We took a couple of pictures of Banner sitting near her plot - a plot that has no headstone just yet since it's only been a few months. I know Leslie was there - telling me Happy Mother's Day, just like I know she knows I'm wishing her the same. I thought it was nice to be there paying tribute to her. I'm glad Banner got to go, too, even though all he wanted to do was eat the leaves off the bushes nearby. (While we were there, we also stopped by Sam's maternal grandmother's plot and my paternal grandmother's plot. I "introduced" Banner to my Granny and as we walked away, Banner raised his hand as if to wave goodbye.)

The rest of the afternoon was a typical Sunday afternoon: Banner ate lunch, he napped, I showered, and Sam went to Home Depot. :) Then, we stopped by Cherie & Jed's before heading to Mom's for dinner. Cherie wanted to see Banner walking, so we had to stop there so he could impress! :) At Mom's we played and chatted before Kira & Erick served us all dinner! It was yummy; they did a great job! Mom, Bob, Kira, Erick, Mischelle, Brock, Brycen, Sam, Banner, and I started dinner and Caden & Mara joined us shortly after we sat down to eat. It was nice to enjoy our time together; I just wish we had more time before we had to leave to get Banner to bed on time.... if only he could stay up another half hour or so, that would help so much! Technically, he could, but then our night would be disastrous. Anyway, we exchanged cards and gifts before we left. Mom & Bob gave me a much needed gift certificate for a mani/pedi! Kira & Erick gave me a jewelry box with a picture of Banner and me on the front - and when it opens, it plays "These are the Days" by Van Morrison, the final song Sam and I danced to on our wedding night, and the song that Sam & I danced with Banner to on the night we brought him home from the hospital. I tried SO hard to hold back tears as I opened gifts and read my cards. First I read the notes from Brock, Mischelle, and the kids... that already got me going, then I read Kira's card and was so touched by her card that tears just flowed. Reading Mom's card last didn't help, either. I'm just so in love with being a mom, even the hard times and the hard work don't take away from the love I have for Banner and how fortunate I feel to be his mommy. When others point out this "emotional roller coaster" (as Mom called it in her card) and the possibility that I might actually be doing a somewhat decent job, it just gets to me. I feel like I'm trying so hard to be the best mom to Banner, and most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, so it was nice and cathartic to just get some positive feedback.

Uncle Erick & Banner

Grandma & Banner

Mommy & Banner

Our gift to my mom/Grandma... a throw blanket with our pictures on it!

Brycen & Mara

My two favorites on Mother's Day: my mommy and my baby!

The best feedback, though, is spending a day with my happy, happy boy and then hugging and kissing him goodnight knowing that he is safe, healthy, and happy. I kissed Banner goodnight and thanked him for giving me this day, for making it possible for me to participate as a Mommy today, and then I wished him a happy 1st Mother's Day, too.

Sam & Banner, I love you both so much, and I can't imagine my life without you in it. Thank you for making me feel extra-special today and always!

The Super Ones (11, that is!)

Dear Banner,
You are 11 months old now. Trite as it sounds, I cannot believe how fast time is flying. I am already preparing for your first birthday party! I have looked back at so many of your first few photos in the hospital after you were born, and it feels like yesterday. You have grown into such a fun little boy, and this past month has been especially fun. You have the most fun-loving, happy, cheerful personality, and I am so happy to know you are happy. I love to watch you grow, learn, copy, play, eat, crawl, bounce, dance, climb, explore, stand, and . . . walk!

Since last month, here are a few of my notes on what has changed:

• You have two new teeth, bringing the total count to 6. The two new ones are on the top, on either side of the two middle teeth, so you have four on top and two on bottom. Your right side came in first of those two new ones. 
• You dance. You bounce up and down when music plays. You bend your knees and bob up and down a little.
• You had another cold, but again, thank God for Mucinex. You hated taking it at night, but once we started giving it to you after a week of a runny nose, you slept much better. 
• You whistle! You pucker your cute little lips and make a whistle sound, and then you smile, very pleased with yourself. You also like to blow on the whistle on my key chain. One day this month, Grandma brought you up to visit me at work, and the gifted and talented teachers were amazed. One teacher said, "Be sure to write that on his REACH application: 'Whistled at 10 months.'" :) 
• You play Peek-a-Boo by putting your head down then popping up. You usually do this in the high chair by resting your forehead on the tray then looking up when we say, "Where's Banner?" or "Where'd he go?" You love this, and so do we!
• You shake your head "no" when we ask you to say "no." I don't think you understand it, but you pair "no" with head-shaking, so we'll take it for now. I'm not sure why we want to teach you "no," but it is priceless when your little head turns side to side. Even better, you raise your little eyebrows when you shake your head. Your expression is so funny, and you usually laugh afterward. 
• You make a funny little "laugh" that Daddy & I call the "Woody Woodpecker" laugh. It's not your real laugh. I think it's involuntary, but it's sounds just like the animated character. We can't get you to repeat it on demand like the whistling, peek-a-boo, or "no," but it sure is cute!
• We gave up Prevacid this month! No more reflux medication! This is HUGE! You really don't spit up much anymore, at least it doesn't make an appearance by coming all the way out. You still have reflux, and I can tell that it bugs you on occasion, but you're not spitting up (CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH!?!), and you don't really need the meds. Usually once or twice a day, I notice you cough, and your eyes water, and I can tell that food just tried to pop back up. But, you have managed well. I'm hopeful your body will start to manage digestion a little better, and you will outgrow this reflux altogether.
• We tried to give up the bath ring this month. You did great the first night on a non-slip pad; you loved the freedom, and I thought it was much easier to bathe you . . . well, until you started trying to stand up the next night. If you would just sit, you would be just fine! We will probably try again soon, but in the meantime, you're back in the ring.
• You are saying a lot more sounds. I've heard sounds for a, b, d, e, g, h, j, k, m, n, o, p, s, t, u, w, and y. I've also heard /th/ and /tz/. You can give /d/, /s/, and /t/  (and sometimes /g/) upon request. Other sounds, when prompted, are hit or miss.
• You give kisses like a champ! At one of our play dates earlier this month, you kissed everyone goodbye, and you had kissed two of the girls during our time there. You initiate kisses more, and you smile after I kiss you. Sometimes, you'll stop in the middle of a bottle and turn to me for a kiss. I love that! Thank you!
• Speaking of kisses, you blow kisses, too! You actually just suck on a finger or two and then pop it out of your mouth to make the same sound as a kiss. It's very unique and creative, and it's your token "blow a kiss" that accompanies a wave. 
• You have recently started handing me things. For example, you find the remote control or a pen on the floor, and you will hold it up for me to come take from you. I graciously say, "Thank you!" and you seem to be pleased with yourself.
• We started dairy this month. Your doctor recommended waiting until you were 12 months, but since it was only for behavioral purposes and not for health reasons, we went ahead and started. We first introduced string cheese followed soon by cheddar cubes and then yogurt. So far, so good. Personally, I don't like yogurt as much as you do, but we both have the same love for cheese!
• You made your first signs this month! You are starting to figure out that the signs we show you have a purpose. Your first sign was "finished/all done" by waving your hands sideways back and forth. Your second sign was "water" made by touching your mouth with an open hand when Aunt Kira was showing you the water dispenser on the refrigerator. 
• You continue to be more communicative - showing us what you want with a purposeful glance or a point. My favorite thing, though, is that when you want "up" you will pull our hands down with great strength, and sometimes you put our hands on your side to lift you up. 
• You are much more aware of your own body. You know where your hair is, pulling on it when I use the word. You "close your eyes" when prompted by looking down or squinting. You stick your tongue out and say "Ahh" when I ask you to show me what is in your mouth. 
• You got your first haircut just a few days ago. 
• We reintroduced you to "Bear" this month. You used to hold him in your Little Lamb swing months ago, and when you went and made me a liar after your 10-month post last month by not sleeping well through the night for two straight weeks, we had to have some kind of intervention. I think what happened, if I can make a wild guess, is that you were working so hard on figuring out your new walking skills (!) that you were not sleeping well and Daddy and I catered to that a little. After you started walking, we decided you had just learned that we would come to you in the middle of the night. So, we got tough again, told you we would not answer your cries in the middle of the night even though we love you so much, gave you Bear again, and things have been better for the past few nights. I certainly hope we're headed in the right direction.
• Yes, you are WALKING! I loved watching you figure it out, and I still love watching you toddle around. I hear our lives are about to change. So far, not really. You are one of the fastest crawlers I've ever seen, so keeping up with your walking isn't much different yet. I actually prefer you walking, because now you can just hold Mommy's hand when we are out, and I don't have to carry you everywhere! You've also been cruising and standing for so long now that you've already been able to reach things that you shouldn't really be able to get, so my life hasn't changed much from that perspective either. I'm really excited about this new milestone. I just hope you take your time learning to RUN! :)

Above all these changes, by far the most special has been watching you develop a sense of pride in your accomplishments. Daddy and I can tell that you have discovered what a great feeling it is when you meet a goal, when you finally achieve what you have been working so hard to do, and when you make your own discoveries about the world or about yourself. What an amazing thing this has been as a parent - to watch you grow into YOU! Watching you learn to walk has been the best example of this, as you toddle across a room or through the house and finally land at your destination and smile or say "AAYYY!" And, when you fall, you don't give up. You actually laugh, and you get right back up. As a counselor, it gives me such joy to watch you developing your own self-esteem. As your mother, it gives me such relief and peace to see you loving yourself and all the magic that you bring to life.

I love you so much and feel like I can't get enough of you! You are so squeezable, and I love to just cradle you in my arms when you let me. I'm so looking forward to having this summer with you, just us together each day again. This month is going to fly by, I know, so I'm going to soak up your babyhood as much as I can. You seem like such a big boy, and technically I've been told you are a "toddler" now that you're walking, but you are still my baby and always will be. Slow down, Angel. Mommy's not ready for you to grow up so fast! Enjoy your next month - I know I will!

Love,
Mommy

Wig-Splittin' Time!

Banner does not have my hair color at all. You'd think I would have a kid that looks more like my youngest nephew with really dark hair, but no, my baby has light brown hair that does not remotely take after mine. He does, however, have the same hair growth that I do - along with my fast-growing nails. He also has both Sam and my curly hair. . . poor guy. It's the kind of hair that looks really cute when it's wet, but the moment it's dry, it's big and frizzy. And, it's the kind of hair you shouldn't dare run your fingers through, or else you've just added to the frizz factor.

So, with unruly, fast-growing hair on his head at 10 months already, Sam and I decided it was time to give in and get Banner his first haircut. Or, as my brother and my nephew like to say, it was time to get his "wig split." Sam was very apprehensive about this decision, but Banner's hair was getting really out of control, in our opinions, and when Mom told us that a woman at the grocery store looked at Banner and asked how old "she" is, we decided maybe a "wig split" wasn't such a bad idea.

We decided to go on Saturday. Well, until I had a semi-melt-down and decided I was the one who wasn't ready. I cut a perfect little curl off of Banner's head and put it in his baby book before we left for the salon, and as I turned to get Banner, I just started crying and couldn't do it. I really wanted to wait until he was a year old, but I also knew his hair was just too long and unruly. But, I wasn't ready, so we agreed to wait another day.

Sunday rolled around, and we made it a priority to get to Cool Cuts 4 Kids. When we walked in, I was nervous that Banner wouldn't sit still for the woman cutting his hair, but the facility was awesome at entertaining him, and he did amazingly well! I had NO idea what to tell the woman when she asked what we wanted - so I just let her do her thing, and really, we just ended up with a trim more than a haircut, which both pleased me and upset me. . . If I was going to go through with the whole emotional decision to get his hair cut before he was a year old, then you might as well have taken more hair to make it look worth it! But, I also don't know how ready I was to get rid of his curly locks. So, Sam and I decided we will go back in about a month or so and have it cut shorter.

Here are a few pictures of Banner getting his first haircut:

Getting Ready!!

The first cut!

Not much different than before just a little neater!