To Be or Not to Be......

I have to be honest by telling you all that I have not been very honest. Well, I have been, but I've been lying by omission I suppose. It's been extremely difficult for me to NOT blog about the thoughts I've had and the decisions I've had upon me these past five months or so. This has been THE toughest decision of my life so far, and to not write about it or talk much about it with more than Sam, my mom, my sister, and a short list of extremely close friends has been taxing and challenging to say the least. I'd have to say it's been almost as hard as keeping my pregnancy a secret so long ago.

This decision I'm referring to is the all-too-common "should I work or should I stay-at-home" dilemma so many career-driven parents face when they have children. While I've dropped hints here and there on this blog, I haven't been the most forthcoming about all the details of such a big, controversial decision. I've thought about this decision every.single.day since Banner was born, and on some days, I can't stop thinking about it. And, it truly is the toughest decision I've had to make... I knew I wanted a baby, I knew I wanted to marry Sam (even if I did have a few commitment-phobic moments after my family history freaked me out!), I knew which college and graduate school I wanted to go to, I knew what car I wanted, I knew the right house would come along, I wasn't terribly picky about my wedding planning (see some of my earliest posts), and so many other decisions along the way just didn't seem to weigh as much on my mind as this one... okay, with one big exception of choosing Banner's name. Other than that, I've never thought about something every minute of every day for so long with my heart and my mind in complete conflict.

I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. I'm a feminist, definitely, but part of what I love about feminism is the empowering of women (and men) to make choices, to have a say, and to do what they want. If that means I want to stay at home with my child(ren), then I have the right to do that. It should absolutely not be expected for a woman to stay at home, but it should be valued if she so chooses to pursue this endeavor. And, Sam is in complete agreement with these feelings I have. Never once has he expected me to stay at home; he has always wanted to be able to help me find a way to do that if I wanted to. So, with that in mind, I have always dreamed that I'd stay at home with my young children - which has made this particular year so difficult for me internally.

Every day spent away from my young infant was torture. Yes, there were moments of gratitude that I could get away for a bit, that I could pee in private, that I could sit in my office checking email without Banner tugging on me, that at least I didn't have to clean spit-up off of me the entire day, that Mom could be the one to help me nap-train Banner and I could skip out on that frustration early on, and so on. But, every day I have felt guilty being away from him, I have felt sad missing some of his firsts, I have felt like I was starving for my baby. I want to be there. These are the days that I cannot get back, and I never want to regret missing any more time than I already have.

It's true that with my (not-so-impressive) income, we could afford more experiences for Banner. We would be able to spend money without having to budget so tightly. We would be able to take him more places, sign up for classes, buy more toys, etc, but Sam and I decided none of that is worth the memories we will make and the precious time we would spend together if I stayed at home. I will be able to take Banner up to Sam's office and let him see his daddy in the middle of the day. Our day will start and end more calmly for the whole family. And Grandma can be Grandma again and not Banner's babysitter.

The two biggest factors in making this decision so incredibly tough are/were:
1. Finances
2. I love my career

Finances and expenses are a given. Anyone would be better off with two incomes instead of one. The factor I want to elaborate on is that I absolutely love my job and where I work. I am a school counselor at an amazing school - the school I attended as an elementary student. I love my colleagues, and I have made some deep friendships in the past 8 years. While work is always work - and most days I wished it were still the weekend - walking into that building each day was like coming home. Summers and weekends flew by, and every morning I walked through those double doors or through the door to my classroom or office, the smell, the sights, the faces I would see, those were home to me. I have been good at what I do, I am making an impact on young students' lives, and I have been an extended member of many families. Giving that up will be hard. I'm not saying that being with Banner isn't enough to make up for that entirely - it's just that giving it up will be hard. That's all. The feeling of knowing I helped a Kindergartener separate more comfortably from his mother, the feeling of hearing that a second grader has learned to tackle her anger issues, the feeling of knowing my lunch bunch group has helped a third grader deal with his parents' divorce, the feeling of knowing it's MY advice a fourth grader wants on how to handle her test anxiety, the feeling of helping to provide a fifth grader with his school supplies for the year since his family can't afford them, the feeling of connection I feel to that mourning first grader who depends on me to listen when he can't remember what his dad looked like anymore, or the feeling of knowing that each student is desperately awaiting my next guidance lesson to see what else Yello-Dyno is going to teach them this year about safety. . . those are just rewarding experiences I will miss. And, I will miss the camaraderie and friendships I have built through the years. I will miss reminiscing with my peers about former students we loved, I will miss the teachers' lounge conversations about our favorite recipes or how our husbands annoyed us the night before or the deep ethical discussions we would sort through together. I will miss the many families who welcomed me in to their lives, who sought my guidance, or who shed tears in the quiet of my office. I will miss when former students would come back to visit - telling me how great junior high is or how they got accepted to their first choice college. I will miss watching the great improvement of some of our special education students. I will miss celebrating with their parents when we reflect upon how far they have come since those early days, and I will miss the feeling of watching a sixth grader finally graduate after 7 years in the shelter of this elementary school with a look of both accomplishment and of fear as he walks across the stage to shake his teachers' hands.

Many staff members in my school building have become my extended family, a sorority of friends who support me. These colleagues of mine have mentored me and taught me so much. They've watched as I went from my 20s to my 30s; they celebrated as I went from single to married; they nurtured me as Mom went through her second round of breast cancer; they shared my excitement when I announced my pregnancy; and they supported me as I started navigating my way into motherhood.  And, I will miss seeing these familiar, sweet faces each day.

But, I have all of these amazing memories to take with me, and all of these students, their families, and their spectacular teachers have helped to make me the person I am today. I believe these people and these experiences will make me a better mother to Banner, and I believe, too, that being Banner's mother and being at home with him will make me a better counselor when I decide to go back in a few years.  Yes, that's the plan: I'm not saying goodbye to my professional life altogether. I plan to return when Banner (and his siblings) are older.

Until then, I've decided I'm going to be a substitute teacher at this same school so I can continue to be a part of the community I love so much. Banner will go to my mom's twice a week so I can sub and have a couple days at my second home. In the meantime, I'm sorry I didn't share all these thoughts earlier. I'm sorry I wasn't as open as I always intend to be through this blog. But, I needed space and time to constantly question what is right for me, for my family, for Banner. So, please accept my apology in not sharing exactly what I've been thinking about all these months. I'm just glad I can be honest and open about it now. I promise there will be more posts on the working/not working mom debate. I have SO many thoughts (on both sides) to share in the coming weeks, months, years. . . In the meantime, I can't wait for summer to begin, and for me to give Banner his big birthday gift - his Mommy.