Missing My Mommy

There are nights when I'm putting Banner to sleep when he simply wants me to keep rubbing his back. As my belly has gotten larger with this second baby on the way, and as my feet swell, my back aches, and my exhaustion mounts up, I'm so done at the end of the day. Hanging over Banner's crib trying to reach his little back to gently stroke or tickle it back and forth for several minutes can seem like an eternity sometimes. I hate feeling this way when I just want to show him my love and affection without any annoyed feelings. Many nights, I probably rush this more than either of us would really like - and usually that doesn't work out too well as Banner will call me back in again and again until I've spent a good amount of time doing some quality back-rubbing. I don't resent him for wanting me to rub his back and help him relax at the end of a playful day. I quite like that he wants the affection, attention, and caress that I can give him. But, sometimes I'm just so damn tired and want to go do my own thing for a bit before starting the whole day over again in a few all-too-short hours of sleep.

On those particular nights that I'm most exhausted or frustrated that he won't just go to sleep already, I find that if I channel my own mother, I become the most affectionate, calming person... no.... mother. When I think back to the nights that she would rub my back, run fingers through my hair, stroke my cheeks or forehead, . . . well, those are the times I can feel Banner relaxing, settling, and eventually beginning to want to doze off. But, those are also the same nights that I feel an extreme missing of MY mommy.

Maybe I'm being overly emotional tonight, but as I leaned over Banner's crib, tears just streamed down my face as I rubbed his back and head thinking of my mom and how much I miss her just cuddling me, calming me, soothing me for so many nights. I think of how she must have been bone tired, too - yet having the patience and time to give herself to her three children all by herself. Sometimes I wish I could just have those moments again - as a child - to really tell her how much I appreciate her.

I thought about calling my mom to tell her all of this right away - because I DO still have her in my life. I could drive over to her house right now and have her hug me, hold me, cuddle me, rub my back. I honestly don't think I'd get through the phone call or drive there without sobbing. I am so grateful that I still have her in this world. As those tears fell down my face, I kept thinking about Sam and how I hurt for him not having his mom here. It made me crave my own mother; it made me starve for Leslie FOR Sam.

And, it made me grateful that I can be that person for Banner. It's in moments like these that I feel an intense bond to Banner - even through "channeling" my mom. He's simply wanting me the same way I wanted (and still want) my mommy. How could that frustrate me?  Tonight, and others like it, remind me that there is no other person on this planet who can do my job. There is no other person as important to Banner as I am - no one else in this role of "Mommy" who can put his needs first and foremost, who will support, love, and cherish him like no other. And, if I do my job right - just like my mom did and still does - then one day, he will yearn for my hugs, my kisses, my sweet caresses because it will remind him just how loved and safe he is.  And, just like I felt tonight, he'll know that even when he can't have me physically next to him, that I'm right there with him all the time - cheering him on, encouraging him, calming him, supporting him, nurturing him, and loving him fiercely.

Mom, I love you so much - and I hope you know how appreciative I am for all your hard work, dedication, patience, attention, attendance, nurturing, affection, . . . the list goes on and on. Thank you for loving me perfectly and for teaching me how to love. This motherhood thing is rough, but when I remember back to my childhood and put myself in Banner's place, the mother in me comes alive and I find myself knowing instinctively what to do and feel - and all that frustration melts away - because you taught me how to do the most important job I'll ever do. For that, I could never thank you enough, and I am forever indebted to you.