Stress.Less.

Yesterday afternoon, I participated in a professional development course for counselors called Wellness Seminar. I really thought it was going to be a class about teaching wellness and healthy habits and ways of thinking to clients/students. Although I can certainly use these skills in the classroom for guidance lessons and with individuals - and definitely teachers at my school, I was wrong about the main purpose of the class. Apparently, counselors need to learn how to stress less themselves; go figure! ;) This class could not have come at a better time, as Sam and I had discussed this very topic just the night before.

From previous blog posts, you are probably familiar with how my mind is constantly full of to-do lists, of worries and concerns, of fears and anxieties, of checklists and rosters. I have come to learn that my mind is unique to Sam's, but it is not much different than other women's minds. This seminar I enrolled in helped me to see this. I actually LOVED the class and wanted more time in it - that's a first! I usually hate professional development classes and find them to be a complete waste of everyone's time! This one was selfishly brilliant. We discussed the causes of stress, the different types of it, and the effects of prolonged exposure to it. It was a great reminder, too, of the need we (all people - but counselors especially) have to take care of ourselves and not be burdened by the stress and hardships of others. It was a wonderful reminder to slow down, smell the roses (or at least look at them!), and breathe without taking on the "verbal vomit" others might throw at us as counselors. (The speaker's words, not mine!)

At the beginning of the class, the speaker had each of us take a paper plate to write down all of the things in our lives that are our responsibilities - both professional and personal. Oh, the flood gates opened!!! Before I tell you what was on my plate, let me ask you to think about what would be written on yours. Go ahead - think about it before reading on....

Well, my list included: mortgage payments, dishes, laundry, cleaning the house, writing thank you notes, getting wedding, shower, and birthday gifts, guidance lessons, Red Ribbon Week, ARDs/504s/CSIs, referrals to REACH and to Special Ed., planning a shower and a bachelorette party, returning emails, driving safely, paying bills, getting the mail, grocery shopping, grooming, car maintenance, helping Mom, picking up the kids, cooking meals, peer mediation, sixth grade registration, TAKS, benchmarks, honeymoon planning, running groups and meeting with individual kids, Career Day, restraining kids when needed, managing the money, weight management, doctor visits, professional development courses, LPC credits and license renewal, planning evenings with friends, going to the pharmacy/refilling prescriptions, Instructional Leadership Team, dry cleaning, reminding Sam of all the things he won't remember, house maintenance, ... and the list goes on. It felt so good to get all of that out on the plate - something visual to really digest.

The speaker went on to discuss how to manage stress and take care of ourselves: spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. She went in to each area with great care and depth. But, this post is designed more as a discussion about what stresses me and what does NOT stress Sam.

Our conversation the night before this class centered around the financial and physical obligations that are now presented to us since Sam's car accident. We now have to get a new car (nice, but expensive). Our car insurance premiums will go up (not sure how much). We have to return the car rental without a new car yet - so we will have to share a car for a while (which we can manage especially in the summer). We will have to decide which car we want (totally manageable, but I'm not the best decision maker!). And, in the meantime, we're waiting on the insurance company to get back to us on how to pay the medical bills and the towing expenses. All of this will be taken care of, but the unknowns bother me - and I hate not knowing answers on my own timeline. Of course I'm so relieved, amazed, awed, and extremely grateful that Sam is okay, that we will get to go on our honeymoon, that we will continue to have our life together -but it's also time to look at how the accident will affect us financially and physically until we figure out all the details. Some jerk hit Sam and ran - leaving our world completely off kilter for a while. Thankfully, we won't have to worry about anything medical for too much longer (a couple ENT bills and a big hospital bill), but our insurance and our new car payment will be affected for a long while...not to mention our emotional state which has been shaken and disturbed by the a$$h@le that hit and ran.

Getting back to our conversation, what really upset me is that I seemed to be the one that was most stressed about these things. When talking to Sam, I realized that he also thinks about all these things, but he doesn't "stress" over them. What I needed to know was that it was on his mind... otherwise, I feel like I'm taking it on all by myself. He agreed to start at least voicing these concerns to make me feel better - that I wasn't the only one worrying about these things.

When I was writing on my plate in class, I wondered what Sam would have included on his plate. I shared mine with him at dinner last night, and he admitted that he would have way fewer things on his plate. He laughed at "Remind Sam of all the things he won't remember." I was worried he would be offended by that, but (as discussed with the rabbi during our pre-marital counseling) we both know he forgets his to-do list. He gives himself his own due dates and time lines, but he still cannot manage to remember them without a few nudges from me . . . to send that thank-you note, to pick up that medicine, to call that travel agent, to change that filter, to send that wedding gift, to call that doctor, etc. Some of these things I feel like I could do on my own, but what is marriage if not a partnership to spread the responsibilities and get the job done BECAUSE the other person asked you to? I know I would resent it if I made ALL the calls, ran ALL the errands, did ALL the cleaning. I'll probably post something another time on this male/female division of responsibility that seems too unbalanced in most households. If you have any comments, in the meantime, feel free to share what your division is like.

The truth is, we are still very new at this marriage thing, and we haven't quite ironed out the roles we are each willing to play. I'll tell you one thing, though; I am NOT willing to be the only one doing these things, and more importantly, I'm NOT willing to accept that women just do more in the house than men do. We are a partnership, a companionship of give-and-take of push-and-pull in order to move through this life with as much togetherness as possible. The rabbi once told Sam that I was treating him like an adult by asking when he could accomplish certain tasks so he gave himself his own due date; he mentioned that what he was hearing me say was that I didn't want to be a nag, so out of love and respect for me, Sam should meet those deadlines he assigned himself so I won't have to keep "reminding" him to do the given task. Needless to say, we are still working on this! Sam is more than willing to help out and contribute, and we do a pretty good job balancing most things. I just feel like I am always the one more stressed out about them. I'm definitely the control freak in this marriage!

The speaker ended our class yesterday with a final request: look at our plate, and if our name was not on our list, we should add it. Hmmms and Ahhhs filled the room as the counselors recognized that we had left ourselves off of our own plates. We are our own responsibilities to take care of, and we cannot forget that! If it helps me stress less to tell Sam what's on my plate and for him to share what's on his, then we should do it. So, in the next few weeks, you'll find two circular dry-erase boards on our refrigerator. Each of us will start keeping a plate on the fridge to let the other know what is on his/her mind and what he/she has going on that day or week. It's just one more way to communicate what we need to take care of and to help keep the balance - and to stress less.

Back in the Saddle

Sooner or later, after a scary experience, you have to get back in the saddle and move on. It's not easy, but it must be done. You can't live your life in fear, you can't live your life full of worry - avoiding everything that frightens you. Sam and I made a conscious decision after his accident to move forward as quickly as possible while allowing ourselves to feel the fear and cry about the scary thought of losing one another.

Since last Thursday's nightmarish miracle, we have had a lot of alone time to celebrate life and what horrible things did NOT happen. We have talked a lot about what could have happened: the airbag could have come out and burned Sam, there could have been a tree or bridge, there could have been more people involved, he could have lost a limb, an ear, his sight or his hearing, he could have bled out in his head, he could have been paralyzed or unable to process new information. It's truly remarkably amazing when you stop and think about the human body and all the things that could have gone awry in that one second of someone else's poor judgment and poor driving skills. Our lives could have been completely changed. It's hard to think of all the things that could be different; it's hard to type them out or say them to one another. But, at least confronting what could have been helps move on to understanding the reality of the situation and how scary his accident really is.

Every day we've cried together, tearing up as we tell each other we love each other. Each day, we also make progress in moving towards "normalcy." On Thursday, he came home. Friday, we got him back to moving around and getting in a car again. Saturday, we went to run one errand, and when we got back into the neighborhood, I asked Sam to be the driver. On Sunday, he wanted to be the driver. And by Monday, he was ready to go to work part-time. That morning was hard for me, we both felt like I was the mother who didn't want her son to go to the first day of Kindergarten. I knew I'd miss him, and I was terrified to let him go back into the real world where there are so many uncertainties. I felt like our little secluded life in our safe nest had to once again be opened up to the dangerous, unpredictable world. To wean ourselves, we both went to the car rental shop together, and then Sam followed me to my work, where he stayed with me for about an hour before heading out on his own. He still hasn't traveled the road that ended the life of his Ford Explorer Sport, but he's making big progress. I know it's hard for him. It's hard for me.

We can't make this situation into a tragedy. We can just move forward carefully and with great caution - with a strong sense of reality that our easy, comfortable life could be taken from us in a split-second. I know I will quickly return to my "normal" thinking (ha!), when I don't constantly worry and fear the unknown or the emergency phone calls from all sides of my family. I certainly hope I will return to that soon - being scared and anxious is not a way to live. But, I hope that the lessons learned will stay with us for a really long time! I think we'll learn to pick our battles a little more wisely (not that we had a problem with this before, but it will certainly make me think twice before getting pissed about something minor!), be a little more respectful when we're agitated or upset, kiss each other a little longer, and tell each other we love each other a little more often (if that's possible...I think we'd make some people sick!).

Today, while really examining Sam's wedding band, he realized that it was very slightly scratched. I am not surprised it got a tiny bit damaged given the nature of the car accident and the scrapes, cuts, and gashes in his wrists and hands. It kinda sucks given he's only had the ring for 9 months (as of yesterday!!!), but it is symbolic that our marriage will stand the bumpy, rocky tests. Dents, scratches, nicks, scrapes, and bumps will happen along the way, but our marriage will always hold - like the continued connectedness of the damaged ring. Even though I'm annoyed and would like to replace the ring or get it fixed, maybe it will be a good reminder of this accident - a reminder to stop and smell the roses, to treasure every day we have together, to love each other and our marriage with all its perfect imperfections.

This is just a story we'll have to tell now, a lesson we've learned from, a miracle to be thankful for. And, we'll take it along on our journey together. But, we'll also move on and keep living the life we love living together. Again, here's to Sam, to God, to whatever it is that's greater than us for allowing us to keep living!

A Terrifying Miracle

Not even a month into our marriage, I wrote this blog, where in the middle I said, "My biggest fear now is more of not being able to get enough of Sam. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, but the fear of what could end that life is so overwhelming and scary. Never before have I felt such a sense of existentialism. I have been thinking a lot about life and how limited it is, how fragile it is, how mysterious it can all be. I am so afraid of losing Sam or of not having enough time with him .... I'm terrified that forever will be too short. My parents, my friends, my family would all say about marriage: there's nothing to fear. But, there is! There's so much out of our control, and I just hope and pray that Sam and I can have a long forever. . . a full life together." And, this past Thursday night, we had a reminder of this fear.

It was the last day of the school year, and the staff party was underway. After sitting outside for quite a while, I came in to check my cell phone. Seeing that Sam hadn't called and that there were no missed calls or messages, I went about continuing to visit with my coworkers. I was enjoying my time, but about 20 minutes after checking my phone, I decided I was ready to head home. As a friend of mine (Emily) and I were heading out after saying our goodbyes, I noticed I had literally JUST missed a call from my brother. My phone listed a long list of missed calls at this point - various numbers I did not know, one from Sam's sister, my mom, his mom, my brother, etc. It was at that moment that I knew something was wrong. Putting it all together as I hit the "talk" button to call my brother back, I knew it was Sam, and I knew he had been in an accident. I had that eerie feeling when you know this is going to be bad as my brother said, "Where are you?" I said, "What happened? What's going on?" in a very serious, short voice. "Where are you?" he continued. I told him where I was, and he said, "Sammy's been in an accident." Trembling and trying not to puke, I looked for a place to sit while I listened to the details that he knew of at that point. People were beeping in, and when the number of the person whom I didn't know called in, I took the call and listened carefully as Donna (a bystander) told me what was happening on the highway where Sam had been hit.

She told me he was in and out of consciousness but he knew my name and phone number. She told me that 3 witnesses had confirmed that a car had clipped Sam's car, sending his Ford Explorer Sport flipping 3 times. She told me that the paramedics were on their way, but they weren't there yet. As I frantically thanked her, again trying not to throw up, I sat on the bench outside the staff party wondering what the hell to do next. Emily said she would take me to my mom's house until we knew which hospital Sam would be taken to. As we got in her car, the paramedics called me - telling me that Sam was alert and talking, aware of my name and number, and he was asking he talk to me. The paramedics told me they were taking him to Parkland hospital, and that I should get there quickly but not to "fly" there.

Emily started driving to Parkland. I called my brother who was with Mom, and I tried to reach Sam's parents unsuccessfully. My brother called me back and told Emily to pull over, that he and Mom would come get me since they were leaving the house already and could get me there faster. It felt like an eternity before I finally saw them pulling towards me. During that time, I had the most frantic, frightening thoughts. Here's a little peak into my stream-of-consciousness: what's happening, where is he, is he okay, stay with me, Sammy!, don't leave me, I'm with you now!!, Dear God let him be okay, we're not done with our life yet!, we want kids, we want to be happy for so much longer, what about our life insurance, what about our health insurance, I can't even think about living life without him, I want to cuddle with him, I won't sleep without him next to me, will he be able to walk or talk, what about our honeymoon, we have plans this weekend!, will he ever practice law again?, what the hell is happening?!, what about his car?, whose fault was this, what was going through his mind, how scared must he be right now, no one will ever know me the way he knows me and no one will ever make me laugh like he does, my mother can't handle this right now, Dear God please let him be okay; Dear God please let him be okay; Dear God please let him be okay; we only JUST had our wedding, what the hell is happening?!

There were SO many other thoughts, but that's just a glimpse. During the 100 mph drive down the Tollway, I continued to think and pray, pray and think. As I asked my brother to slow down, that I might puke, he said, "Amber, I'm trying to get you there." I asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me - to which he said no, that I was the one that talked to the paramedics. I still didn't believe him, though, as the last time I had been driven to Parkland Hospital in such a hurry was when my cousin was in critical condition; by the time we made it to the hospital on that night so many years ago, she was brain dead... so you can understand my fear and disbelief that I had the whole story; my brother probably had that same night running through his mind as he drove his little sister to meet her hurt husband at the same hospital. He asked what I was worried about as I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes trying not to throw up. I replied, "Every f*c^i#g thing you can think of!" It got quiet and Mom held my hand behind me. We hauled a$^ into the hospital, going through the back of the ER with my brother's resident badge. He told me to wait down the hallway, as he made his way to talk to the 10 or so doctors waiting outside Sam's room in the ER. It seemed like another eternity before he came back towards Mom and me - we were both ready to yell and scream and run down the hall, angry that no one was giving us any feedback. Seeing that many specialists did not feel reassuring. I continued to clasp my hands together - it was all I could control, the only thing I could do with myself to keep myself calm. It was in that very moment that I understood (in my opinion) why people pray with their hands together.

Finally, when my brother came back towards us, he said he's okay. He said he saw Sammy, and that Sam cried when he saw my brother. At some point, Sam's parents had come in to the ER as well. Seeing his mom and dad, I just began sobbing. I held his mom for a long time - just praying that he was okay. I knew Sam was alert and talking, but I didn't know the extent of the damage. My sister and Sam's sisters came soon after that. Then, the doctors called his parents and me back to his room to see him. He was bloody and bruising, and as I approached his bedside and went to gently kiss him, Sam wrinkled his face in a deep cry, happy to see us and very scared. He had a neck brace, and the doctors were about to wheel him out to get a CT scan after many X-rays he had already had. Through tears and broken speech, he said, "I love you. I love you so much."

I told him I loved him too, and I asked him to try to calm down as I stroked his forehead. A minute later, he was being taken out of the room for the scan. The doctor told us that if the CT scan came back okay, then they weren't too worried about him. I don't remember much else of what he said other than they were concerned about what looked like a fracture on his wrist. Faster than I thought, Sam was back in his room - and we were being told that the CT scan looked good - no bleeding in the brain. I asked the doctor if Sam had feeling everywhere, if he could stand, etc. They were not worried about paralysis at all.

Many doctors came in and out throughout the 6-7 hours we were there. They determined his wrist was not broken. They checked his ears which were bleeding, and they determined they were just swollen. He had a bleeding gash on the top of his head, and his knuckles and wrists were cut up. He had debris/glass all around his face - near his eyes and some even in his teeth. It wasn't pretty, but it was a lot better than it could have been! Sam continued to cry at times, telling me how much he loved me. We cried a lot that night. We smiled a lot that night, too - knowing how lucky we were. There's plenty more stories to tell about that scary night but the best one is that Sam lived! He even got to come home that night - around 2:00AM.

I'm sure I'll post more about many different parts of that night: how it felt to be the wife in this situation, sharing care and concern with Sam's parents, the kindness of complete strangers who called us that night and called 911, the fear I felt of losing him or of having a completely different life or lifestyle after the accident, the tender moments we have shared since Thursday night, the reminder of how we need to drive more carefully, the amazing friends and family that came up to the hospital that night just to be there for Sam (and me), whether we find the douche bag that hit Sam and ran, the reminder of how fragile life is and how it could change or be taken away from us in a literal second,etc. But, the best news is that Sam finally made it home that night without broken bones, without a scratch (okay, maybe a few tiny nicks) on his face, without any long-term damage. He has a concussion, and he has a hematoma (sp?) in his right ear. He has lots of bruising around his neck and pelvis - probably from the seat belt that saved his life. He has the gash on his head and the scratched up/scraped up hands/wrists. His watch broke, the car is totaled, we lost a garage door opener, and his clothing were cut off of him, but if that's all we sacrificed in exchange for his life and health, we are in great shape!!

After seeing the pictures of the car that he and his sister took yesterday, I'm positive that someone (God, an angel, his Zaide, my Grandma, ??) was looking out for him and keeping him alive. When he saw the car, he said, "How did I live?!" (You can watch the video I've uploaded to see for yourself just how scary this accident was and how horrible it could have been.) As Sam and I have continued to reflect on what each of our experiences were on Thursday night, as I nurse him to health and take care of the things he can't, as we spend quiet moments together and cry, we are reminded of how much we love each other and how much we want so much more time with each other. We're not done living this life yet! We're not ready to live without each other! We will have children we have yet to raise, we have places to see together throughout the world, we have family and friends we have yet to meet and play with, we have houses we have yet to live in, we have dreams we have not fulfilled yet. I have every intention of living a long, full life with my husband, and I'm so glad that someone else "up there" saw it the same way on Thursday. Dear God, thank you for not taking my Sam away from us.

Sam, I love you more than you could ever know. You are the most important man in my life, and I need you so much! Thank you for staying with us, for being healthy and okay, for fighting through all the fear and hurt, for loving me and liking me! I hope the scary sh#* never happens again - and may God (or whoever!) keep you safe and healthy always if it does! I love you!