On the Need to Redefine the Wife Stereotype Part 2

Last night, I posted a social commentary about the wife stereotype. After he read it, my male cousin emailed me a response to my post, and with his permission, I'm going to copy and paste what he sent to me. I love his response, and I love the discussion that has been sparked. So, happy reading, from Brennan to you! :)

"I've been reading and enjoying your blog and thought I'd comment on your latest post regarding the wife stereotype. I didn't post this in the comments section as wasn't sure how much space I would have. You are free to quote me, though, if you find anything enlightening (or offensive, for that matter). This email, I hope, will serve more as an explanation than a rationalization.

As you and Sam seem to have a very open and healthy relationship, I can understand your frustration at being stereotyped as a shrew and Sam being seen as the hen-pecked husband. I think when people make these types of comments, they are really projecting their own frustrations about the perceived imbalance of power in their own relationships. In my opinion, what it all boils down to is sex, or the lack thereof. This may be an oversimplification, but it's not a coincidence that in these situations the word "whipped" is often preceded by a slang term for the female anatomy.

Now allow me to paint in some very broad strokes as I don the hat of amateur anthropologist. For century after century for ages and ages, the relationship between a husband and wife had remained mostly the same. The man has had the power, both physically and sexually. (Again, broad strokes. I'm sure there are many instances throughout history to contradict me). Conflict was often resolved with violence towards the wife, and sex was carried out with little regard for a woman's wants, desires, or sexual satisfaction. Sadly, this still remains the case in many parts of the world, but luckily most "civilized" countries have evolved and are continuing to do so. I am not arguing, however, that it doesn't still happen to our neighbors, family, friends, etc., but simply that it is far less acceptable when it does.

As women have made strides in voting equality, workplace equality, etc., they have also been able to reclaim their sexuality. No longer is sex only about procreation or a man's enjoyment. No longer must a woman simply submit as part of her wifely duties. Again, a very good thing. What is a source of frustration for many men, however, is how sex, or rather the withholding of it, is now used as a tool for conflict resolution. And this is a tactic that most men don't really have the will power to use (nor do I think it would really do us much good). Now, I'm certainly not saying that all women do this, but many do, whether they have made a conscious decision to or not. And many men avoid conflict and submit to their wives to get sex, whether doing so knowingly or subconsciously. Thus begins a cycle of anger and bitterness. Neither violence nor withholding intimacy are valid means of conflict resolution in a healthy relationship, but one of those options has become acceptable to many people even though both wreak havoc on a relationship.

So what to do to stop the stereotype of the shrewish wife? Well, men in healthy, loving, intimate relationships should probably stop making the jokes (and probably stop laughing when the jokes are told.) Sure, it's an easy punchline and gets a good laugh, but if you're in a happy relationship, then what's the point? Appreciate your wife and be grateful for what you have. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? If women want to change this perception, however, it calls for some introspection. Wives (and husbands, too) need to examine their relationships and be aware of any inequalities that may be present, and then determine how to make their spouse feel more like a partner and less like an employee. Now, as for single folks like me, I'll continue to make all the jokes I want. Or at least until I'm married..."

On the Need to Redefine the Wife Stereotype

Okay, people, it's that time again: I have something on my mind, and it's a little political. If you've kept up with my blog posts in the past, you know that sometimes I can get a little heated about certain topics, and I am not shy about voicing my opinions in this space (or anywhere, really). So, here's what's been ticking me off lately.

I became someone's wife a little over 6 months ago. During this time, I've had a blast as Sam and I navigated life as a legally married couple. . . changing insurance information, joining our bank accounts, learning to put each others' names first on emergency contacts, always checking in with the other about financial decisions, consulting each other on medical issues, etc. We've gotten really good at all of this, and it's been a very fun ride thus far. However, it has not taken long at all for us (yes, US) to recognize the stereotype that wives have. It's as if I went from the dedicated, devoted, sexy girlfriend/fiance title to the nagging, fun-spoiling, frustrating old wife immediately after the rabbi said we could kiss each other under the chuppah. Sam has noticed this too, and the stereotype people seem to have about me (even if they don't know me) continues to resurface. I'll give you a few examples:

• Sam and I (both) made a great meal the other night. It happened to be a turkey meatloaf that a friend of ours had introduced us to. When Sam took some left-overs for lunch the next day at work, he got grief from his co-workers who ordered pizza that day. Apparently, they think I MADE him eat the meatloaf. Embarrassing for him already, because it's "meatloaf" for starters (a dish I, myself, feel is a little nerdy just because of the All-American stereotype that comes from that word in and of itself!), but the fact that he didn't waste the food and stuck to his "better eating routine" is somehow my responsibility. Sam did stand up for me and himself by stating that eating the meatloaf was his decision - not mine! It was evident from his perspective, though, that the insinuation was that I was behind the whole meatloaf-eating situation. I wouldn't mind taking the "blame" for his good eating habits and avoidance of the pizza, but I wouldn't have cared if he dumped the meatloaf for the pizza or saved it for another day. For some reason, though, his coworkers assumed I was the one "making" him eat meatloaf. I mean, who really cares?
• Earlier this evening, my brother was dropping me off at home and asked what we had planned for the night. I told him we needed to clean the house a little bit. When Sam opened the door for me, my brother yelled from the car to Sam, "Hey! Wanna go to the Mavs game tonight?" Sam looked at me, and I told him that would be fine if he wanted to go. Deciding not to take my brother up on the offer, Sam said no. I suppose my brother assumed I had told Sam not to go when Sam looked at me, so my mature brother replied to Sam with a "Wha-puuuush!" and a whip motion. Again, insinuating that Sam couldn't go do what he wanted because of me - he's "whipped."
• In making future plans for the week, Sam told someone that he could only meet for a specific time period, and that if their meeting ran longer, he'd have to leave because "he told his wife he would be home by then." I can already hear the jokes being made because of that one little comment, as if I'm sitting at home with a whip ready to beat him for not coming home the minute he said he would be home.

There are several instances where I know I've been the "blame" of some decision - the need to go home, the need to talk to "the wife" first, the need to please me - but, I feel like I'm one of the most easy-going wives out there! Sam agrees with me actually, so where does this "wife sucks" stereotype come from? For starters, let's look at the idioms in our ever-so-colorful language. Expressions and euphemisms that have to do with wives include: "ball and chain," "old lady," "battleship," "old axe." I don't know about you, but I hate those expressions. True, a husband can also be referred to as "old man," but for some reason, there seems to not be as much negative connotation with that word "husband."

Think about it. Which sounds more positive - "boyfriend" or "husband?" Which sounds more positive - "girlfriend" or "wife?" In MY opinion, we give the word "husband" more prestige - a man who has actually gathered the nerve and the money to ask a woman to be with him forever must be a pretty mature, responsible, secure man. Alternatively, "wife" has less prestige and honor - the image it seems so many people have is one of holding a man back, of constantly nagging her husband, of keeping him from eating the things he wants to eat, of always thinking rationally and not having any kind of fun. When I was "Sam's girlfriend," I was fun, exciting - not a drag or a drain. Now that I'm "Sam's wife," I'm boring, rule-bound, and serious.

According to the definition listed on the IdiomSite.com website, a "ball and chain has come to mean wife. Originating from the presumption that a man's wife has held him down, thus keeping him from doing the things he really wanted to do in life." It's interesting to me, though, considering that Sam is the one who often uses me as his excuse - he just has an easy out, now. Say a man needs to think about whether or not to buy something from a salesperson, "I'll have to check with my wife," he says. Or, say a friend wants to meet for drinks but the husband is too tired, "Oh, man, I wish I could, but my wife's waiting for me at home." Or, even if he really does want to eat better, but he's afraid of social punishment from friends and coworkers, he can just blame the wife, "Yeah, I promised my wife I'd stick to this eating plan." Honestly, I don't mind that Sam could use me as an excuse; I'm glad he'll do what HE wants to do. If I can be that for him, great . . . but, if all men went around saying these things about their wives as if we run their lives, then that's what we wives become... "balls and chains!" When will that sterotype end, then?

Maybe some wives are nagging and annoying. I'm not one of those, and I know a lot of my friends are also pretty cool wives. Just because a woman gets married doesn't mean she automatically starts to fit the stereotype that our society has for wives. Similarly, people seem to have preconceived ideas about attorneys. Sam has learned that he's going to be made fun of for eternity for being a an attorney. People have this idea about attorneys that keep surfacing for Sam: the money, the schooling, the work load, the lying, the prestige, the smarts, etc. He's noticed it's similar for me when people learn we're married . . . there's this underlying assumption that I'm the more romantic one, that I'm the needier one, that I'm the nagger, that I'm the one with all the rules, etc.

For the record, since a ring has been placed on my finger, I have not changed at all. I want people to know that just because I said, "I do," doesn't mean I became an "old lady" or a "ball and chain" or any other weird wife expression. I simply became legally married to Sam. I don't mandate what he eats, what he wears (although I'd like to!), what he spends, where he can go, who he visits, where he travels, etc. And, he doesn't oversee any of this for me. We want to share our lives together, and we want to have input on how we each spend our lives, but that doesn't mean either one of us wants to dictate how a person lives. There is mutual respect, love, admiration, and support for each other - not nagging or hounding or whipping, for goodness sake! There's sharing, discussing, and compromising - not threatening, complaining, or lie-detecting. So, for all of you wives out there, tell your husbands to help stop this negative wife stereotype. Let's redefine wife-hood - we are sexy, independent, free, supportive, nurturing individuals who have men that want to stand by us, with us, and for us!

Chemo #1

As the last few drops of chemo run through mom's port, she's feeling okay and even letting me take pictures of her! Of course, she held up her index finger in one picture to document "Chemo #1," and in the next picture, she flicked off the machines, so she's still got that "Screw Cancer" attitude and a nice sense of humor. All-in-all the morning has gone smoothly - just pretty long. We got here around 8:15 so she could see the doctor first. Meds were taken last night and again this morning before even coming here. Then, around 9:30, they called her back to start the treatments. Before the official chemo began, the nurse administered a round of steroids, Benedryl, and anti-nausea meds. Then, they started with a 15-20 minute round of Adriamycin (the "hair-loss" med, as she calls it). It's red and is given through a syringe. Then, Cytoxan, which took about an hour. Finally, a 45 minute round of Taxotere before one short round of saline. All of these drugs have miserable side-effects, but not everyone experiences them. So, we'll see how she responds to them. It's both sad and uplifting to be around all these survivors - with and without hair, with and without fingernails, with and without energy... everyone's experience is different, so there's no telling what will happen in the coming days, weeks, and months. But, today has been okay so far. I think the experience of being here with Mom today has taught me several things: not to listen to the misery of others, as each of our bodies are different - horror stories (and even positive, uplifting stories) are really not helpful; the actual distribution of the chemo is not scary - Mom slept on and off as we watched a funny movie to occupy the time and our minds; chemo is not just the actual "chemo" treatments - she still has more meds to take when we get home and in the coming days (she's one walking pharmacy!).

Tomorrow, she comes back to get a shot, and day 3 will really be a telling point, so the doctors tell us. Hair loss typically happens between days 14-17, so she's finishing up her hair products and cherishing the time she has left with a full, gorgeous head of hair. She's looking at her hair-loss as liberating, and she's motivated to have fun with her new look. She knows her hair will grow back; she's more worried about the long-term effects chemo can have on the body (heart damage, bone damage, joint pain) and the temporary possibilities of infection she can't fight off and leukemia. It's amazing to think about the risks of this drug - a drug I'm glad doctors and researchers have found but could potentially cause future harm. BUT - we are being very optimistic - and Mom's quite a trooper!

Well, the nurse is ready to wrap things up here, so gotta wrap up this post. We're about to schedule her next round of treatment - 3 weeks from now. And, as I type, Mom just asked, "Where are we going for lunch?" I just smiled back - glad that she's up for food and going somewhere!

Another Blog Site - Check It Out

Okay, yes, I'm crazy - but it's spring break so I currently have a lot of time on my hands - and Sam and I are really into a new idea we had. So, I'm inviting you all to check out our lastest JOINT blog: http://www.journeytoourroots.blogspot.com/ where we will explain to our readers a new challenge to expand our tastes for healthier foods. Enjoy following us there, too!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Last night, we celebrated Mom's birthday at one of our favorite Italian restaurant's, Cappuccino's. Lilly and Mara, my nieces, wanted to make up a song for their Grandma on her special day. So, although the lighting is horrible in this impromptu video (I think I hit the wrong button considering the darkness of the restaurant), you can at least enjoy the audio and love & laughter of two special girls. Happy Birthday, Mom!

Caden and me in our matching school All-Star shirts!

6 Monthiversary. . .

. . . That's right! It's been 6 months (and 2 days) since our wedding day. Half a year. It seems so fast, but it also seems so slow. There's part of me that thinks, "Wow, already 6 months!" but there's more of me that looks back and says, "It's only been 6 months?" And, don't misunderstand. This bigger part of me is not upset about the marriage or thinking anything like the time is creeping by because I'm unhappy or anything like that. In fact, I asked Sam on our actual "monthiversary" if he was as happy now as he was on our wedding day. . . to which he answered, "Much happier now, by far!" . . . not that he was sad or unhappy on our wedding day, of course, but that he is so much happier now. I agreed entirely. I feel so much happier now, but I'll come back to this point in a moment.

I think I feel that time has passed so slowly for various reasons: Sam and I have never kept track of the length of our relationship - months, years, days, etc. - until we got married. I wish I wasn't even aware of how many months we've been married, but it's so fun to celebrate each 6th of the month. We also think we both feel this way because our honeymoon is still so far away! Or, maybe it's because the wedding seemed to have crept up on us much faster than it's left us. Or, maybe it's because I miss it everyday and feel like it was much farther away than it really is! Who knows, but I wonder if other brides feel that way - that the time after the wedding moves slowly in the first year.

So, going back to how happy I am now. . . I just am so happy in my marriage! I think Sam and I have done a good job in keeping our marriage high on the priority list, if not first and foremost, during the difficult times we've shared in the past 6 months. We've been on the "same page" through it all, and it's so nice to know we have each other to talk to, to confide in, to calm each other, to retreat with. It's also nice to not have the wedding to worry about and to, instead, be planning our mutual future as we schedule our honeymoon plans, as we think about our finances, as we think about when to have kids and what we want for our family, as we dream about future homes, as we take care of the errands and daily chores.

Sam's one of my most favorite people in the world, and I love coming home to him (or more often than not, him coming home to me!). I love knowing we are just starting out and have the rest of our lives together. I love knowing no matter what, we'll get through it together. I love knowing he'll be by my side. When you look at your future job or home or anything, you never know who you'll work with, who you'll live next to, where you'll worship or grocery shop or anything - but I know no matter what the answer to those mundane questions are - Sam will be there with me to find out! How exciting that really is. I never thought about it like that until after the wedding, and it's so reassuring. So, as I look back at 6 married months - no matter how far or near it seems to the wedding - I have learned a LOT and I know I am truly and significantly happier and happier with each day! Happy 6 months, Sam!

The Plan for Mom

This morning, we went to meet Mom's oncologist for an update on her current status and to find out more about the protocol for her treatment. First of all, I loved her oncologist! He's so empathic, very informative, quite respectful, and extremely thorough. The basic report is that: we're dealing with Stage 2 breast cancer; they're still not sure which came first - the malignant cells in the breast or the malignant cells in the lymph nodes - but it matters not; she does need chemo; she most likely needs radiation on both sides. The doctor went on to say that a team of doctors studied her case to help think about what the best treatment plan was. Given the uniqueness of this case, the doctors used Mom's situation as a learning tool, which pleases me to know that many people helped determine her most aggressive and proactive plan...I just hope they know what an amazing woman they are helping and that she's not just "some lady" but a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a friend. (I have no doubt that her doctors keep this in the forefront of their minds - they are all such kind, warm-hearted, gentlemen, but it crossed my mind to think this way when her oncologist was reporting how many people thought about this "case.")

Bottom line: she'll need 6 rounds of chemo - each round 3 weeks apart and lasting about 4 hours at a time. I've learned a lot about the chemo treatments. He explained what medications make up the chemo treatments and the side effects of each med - which is a list that includes but is not limited to nausea/vomiting, hair loss, fatigue, low white blood cell counts, lung damage, leukemia, teary eyes, and heart pump damage. Luckily, with MORE medications to help prevent and "ward off" some of these side effects, the only ones they can't really control or "keep a watch on to monitor" are the hair loss and fatigue. She's expected to drink a LOT of water everyday to help stay hydrated, therefore to help with fatigue. She's also supposed to monitor her temperature to make sure she doesn't have any kind of infection.

So, after a chemo "prep class" and a standard echo-cardiogram next week (on Mom's birthday), she'll be set for starting chemo about a week & a half from today. I say she's "set" rather than "ready" or "prepared" because there's really nothing that gets you "ready" for that. She's doing a great job looking forward and trying her best to mentally prepare for what's ahead, but that's hard to do when it's such a daunting, long road. We're trying to make the most of the pretty miserable situation - looking at the bright side that at least she won't have to fuss with her hair or worry about the kids splashing her at the pool this summer since her hair won't be an issue. We'll make the most of chemo treatments - listening to music, watching movies, reading good books, or just chit-chatting away. We'll buckle down and kill what's left of this piece-of-$h#t cancer. (Amen!)

Thinking of Grandpa

My dad's father, my Grandpa, is in the hospital and not doing well. He's 91 years old, the eldest of his siblings, and my last living grandparent. Grandpa used to say that we "grew up together." I have such fond memories of him from even a very young age, and while he's in the hospital and fighting to either live or die, I want to remember those fun, funny, meaningful times of him. I've been told it's probably not a good idea to go see him as he currently is, that it will be too painful and hard to see. But, it's hard to justify not spending time with a person while he is still here on Earth, while he is in a state that he they may be able to hear me, while he is most in need of his family. So, while I struggle with what to do - to go to the hospital or not - I have spent a lot of time just thinking back on all our times together. Grandpa, these are for you:

-I remember the fun times swimming at your pool, pouring water over your bald head and patting the top of your shiny head as the water sprinkled down.
-I remember you cutting the bushes with big shears, with a white tank and shorts on.
-I remember wondering why Dad would cut the little whiskers that grew out of your bald head. I always thought that was weird since you had such little hair to begin with.
-I remember you telling me to learn how to play the piano so I could entertain a room full of guests when I was older.
-I remember you waiting for us to get out of school. You read Time magazine with the AM radio on in the car. You brought each of us our favorite chocolate candy bars before taking us to Hebrew school.
-I remember driving down any given street, you asking us to tell you where to drive. We'd say, "Turn right," and you'd pretend to turn right too soon making us laugh endlessly. You'd listen to the music and shake our right hand to "dance" to the music.
-I remember Hanukkahs, Christmases, high holidays, and Father's Days with you.
-I remember services in the choir loft watching you sing - or fall asleep during the sermons.
-I remember you singing in funny voices - either very high pitched or very low tones.
-I remember watching how you could eat the bones when eating a piece of chicken, an onion like it was an apple, or an entire jalapeno.
-I remember you teaching me about how to read the information about stocks and bonds and how to tell if my investments had paid off.
-I remember watching you with your sisters and brother and how much love I know is shared between you all and how much you miss each other.
-I remember you teaching me about your past - telling me stories of your mother and father, your upbringing and hardships, and your time spent in the war.
-I remember pool parties and birthday sleepovers at your house.
-I remember all your silly jokes that you'd heard from the rabbi or from choir friends.
-I remember how excited you were to be able to send me to Israel on my 16th birthday.
-I remember how loyal you were to Granny and then to Dora.
-I remember watching you help shovel dirt onto Grandma's coffin at her funeral. I remember how fond of her and Papa you & Granny were and how much fun you all seemed to have together - like your trip to Israel together and the holidays shared together.
-I remember the college phone calls that lasted only 30 seconds so we wouldn't get charged.
-I remember you asking about Sam and "what's new" with him and me. You were curious about him and wanting only what was best for me.
-I remember picking you up and driving you to places. You'd tell me I needed to get gas before the light goes on in the car. You'd tell me stories of places we would pass. You always ask how work is going and can't believe I am working at the same school I went to as a young girl - the same school you sat in front of at least twice a week - waiting to take us home.
-I remember taking pictures with you on my wedding day. You were a little shaky as you held my waist, so I slipped my hand behind my back and grabbed your hand through all the pictures to help you stop shaking as I told myself to remember holding your hand on that day for the rest of my life. And, to this day, I can still feel your hand in mine. I can still feel your skin and your warmth as if it's happening right now.

My list goes on and on, but one thing is certain: I remember how you helped try to keep the peace between our family. I remember your love for your family. There are things in your life that you would not have chosen for your family, for us; but, you never stopped loving ever! Thank you for loving my mother as your own daughter. Thank you for being a hard worker for your family. Thank you for all these sweet memories. I hope whatever happens in the next few days or weeks, that you are are at peace, that you know we are thinking of you, that you know we want only what is best and painless for you, and that you know you are so loved.