Bittersweet

The hallways were warm and dark. Teachers had gone home for the summer. The building was quiet, and my desk was cleared off. I gave one last look around my office, grabbed the last box, and locked the door one final time. I handed in my keys and my badge, and that was that. 8 years of a job that was my home away from home, and it's officially over. Lots of stories, memories, experiences, and lessons to take with me, but driving away was bittersweet.

As I walked into Mom's house to get Banner, I was greeted by Mom, Banner, and Kira. Banner walked toward me, Mom smiled, and Kira threw her arms around me. I immediately teared up. I'm not good with change. I felt an overwhelming excitement, fear, anxiety, relief, sadness, and happiness run through me all at the same time. It's just hard to say goodbye to such a big part of me and a big part of my everyday life. Kira had to leave shortly after I got to the house, but she hugged me again and said, "Welcome to your new adventure!" Again, a few tears just because it was nice to hear.

A few minutes later, I was gathering all the odds and ends that Mom had at her house for Banner. I packed up his formula, some pajamas, bibs, and a couple bottles since Mom won't need so many at her house anymore. As we headed out the front door, I hugged Mom and told her thank you for all her help this year. I couldn't really even quite finish my statement before more tears made my voice tremble. She told me there have been times while she's been keeping Banner that were really long or really hard, days that she was bored, and days when she felt isolated. But, she said she wouldn't have changed it for anything, and she was so thankful for the opportunity to spend this time with Banner. She wanted me to know that I might feel the same way some times, but it's so worth it. I agreed and nodded as I cried. I told her that  I was crying because I was so glad she had this time with Banner. I was beyond grateful and thankful that she could be with him each day, and I told her I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to keep him. We hugged, and then we slowly made our way to the car in the rain.

Mom put Banner in his car seat, and she leaned in to kiss him. Before doing so, she got very close to his eyes and said, "I hope maybe you'll remember some of these days and our time together?" She told him how much she loved being with him. And then she kissed him and then me. I reminded her that she'll be keeping Banner two days a week next school year when I'm subbing, which I think made us both feel better that they will still have their special days together. We hugged again, told each other we loved each other, and then I was slowly driving away in the rain - a perfect ending to an emotional day.

Banner and I were both quiet on the way home. That all changed when we walked in the door, though. My quiet baby seemed to want to welcome me to my new full time job of being a "stay-at-home" mom. He was giddy, and he gave lots of hugs. He kept coming over to me while I sat on the floor watching him, and he'd nuzzle up next to me with a smile. It was like he knew I needed him to reassure me that we're going to be okay, that maybe he can like being with me as much as being with Grandma, that I made the right choice, and that he was thankful to have me all to himself.

And, later in the evening, as I rocked him for a few minutes before saying my final goodnight, Banner laid his head on my shoulder, and I told him how much I loved him. Tears fell once again as I told him I am so happy that I get to spend more time with him now, that Mommy doesn't have to go to work in the morning, that I get to watch him grow and learn. I'm sure I'm imagining it, but he seemed to be more relaxed - and so am I! But, I'm still glad it's raining tonight - it makes me feel like God is crying with me today. Crying tears of nostalgia and of sadness, crying of joy and of happiness!

Leaving my room, I took this pic (and edited it for privacy)