Dear Leslie (4)

Dear Leslie,
Banner is four years old, which means you have been gone for that long now. Time stands still for you, but for us it keeps marching along, and it's even hard to remember how long it's been since we last spent time together. So, I rely on the age of my oldest baby to remind me of how much you have missed, how many years you've not been able to hold him, play with him, watch him grow, how many family events and milestones you aren't here for. I have so much to tell you, but I know you already get it all - you are definitely still very much a part of our lives and our family, so there's no way you really need me to type all this out. But, for my sake, I like to jot down my thoughts to you each year, to reflect on how you are still a part of us, and to let my babies know how much you are missed.

Sam and I know how much we miss you. The months pass by quickly now, and sometimes we get so busy, it's hard to take a minute to just breathe and to focus on "mourning" you. You are interwoven into our conversations and into our memories though, so we don't really NEED those moments anymore. But, sometimes, it just catches us off-guard. Sometimes, we will just be sitting alone together on the couch, and the thoughts of you are too big to hold back. Sam will always need those moments to just miss you - to wish for you - to recognize you really aren't here and how very much he can't stand not having you close.

I recently went back through some old audio files and saw your old messages. I listened to them, and it was hard to believe those messages weren't left just days ago because it still feels like that. Your voice is still crystal clear in my head, and your laugh, your smile, your annoying rambling, your hug . . . all still so fresh. Still so very hard to wrap our brains around the fact that you simply aren't here.

You aren't here to laugh with Banner or to tickle Quinn. You aren't here to hear their funny expressions or their clever thoughts. Oh my God, they are special kids, and you are missing it. You would be head-over-heals in love with both of them, Leslie, and they would be with you as well. But, they know you. They recognize your pictures, they ask about you, they question why you died or where you are now. You are not far from their minds, even if they barely knew you when you were alive. It's hard to not think of you when we hear something they say that would knock your socks off or when Quinn makes a certain face during swim lessons that looks JUST.LIKE.YOU!

And, yet, another big milestone coming without you here. Your fifth grandson grows in my belly. You're not here to feel him move inside my belly - the way you'd wait patiently with your hand on me for Banner's jabs and rolls. You'll miss his birth and meeting him for the first time. You'll miss Banner and Quinn learning to be big brothers to another sibling, learning to share a room, learning to accept and love another little creature who will be a best friend to them. You'll miss holding the newest member of our family and watching how gracefully or how horribly we handle three kids! Undoubtedly, you'd have your opinions and you'd let us know them - probably laughing at our stress while still telling us how great we are doing.

And while I know you are still such a part of our lives and you already "know" these things, you are missing Miles's last year in elementary school. You are missing seeing the incredible big brother he has become to Colby and how my boys adore him. You are missing Colby's year in Kindergarten and how sweet he has become when he plays with Banner and Quinn. I know you would adore them and cherish your time with all 4 of these beautiful blue-eyed boys of yours. I miss that FOR you.

Yet, time marches on, and we carry you with us. Just a few nights ago, I overheard Banner during bath time. Sam was bathing the boys, as usual, and Banner said, "I don't love Bubbie anymore because she died." It was hard to hear the pain in Sam's voice as he probably held back tears when replying to his son, "You're right, she died. But, we can still love her. You love Mommy, and if Mommy weren't here, you'd still love her, right?" Banner quickly agreed. And while I understand Banner's logic and appreciated his abstract thoughts, I was hurting for Sam to have to respond to such a comment. Inside, I know Sam misses you and loves you and wants his sons to love you forever. . . and he most desperately still wants his mommy. Oh, it's so hard to feel the loss and pain Sam feels, a pain that often goes undiscussed or gets numbed with the everyday busy-ness. But, in those moments, when our boys talk about you or ask about you or question death, the pain of your absence is loud.

As we wrap up another year without you, another year taking in the shock of your sudden passing, another year of missed holidays and birthdays and milestones, please know how loved and missed you are, Leslie. I continue to hold up my promise to you to make every day a beautiful day and to be the best wife to your son and the best mother to your grandsons. There's nothing more important to me than keeping that promise.

Missing you always,
Amber

Mom Conference '15

I follow a blog called 71 Toes. I stumbled upon it years ago, and I've fallen in love with the author, Shawni, and her beautiful family. Mostly, though, Shawni writes about "deliberate motherhood," and she has great ideas and suggestions for how to help your family operate smoothly and for making the most of motherhood. A couple weeks ago, she wrote about Power of Moms, an organization co-founded by Shawni's sister, Saren. Power of Moms offered this great "Mom Conference" for free last week, and I wanted to give it a a try! It was a 3-day online conference of various speakers on various topics. There were about 8 speakers per day, and their online interviews were available only for 24 hours each day before the next round of speakers were posted. It was hard to choose which speakers to watch/listen to given my short amount of available time, but I think I picked some pretty good ones! During each speaker, I actually took notes on my phone because I really wanted to remember what I was learning - and of course, to blog about it here, so I could pass on this great information to other parents out there. Next year, I'd love to get a group together to either watch together and have discussions OR divide up the conference speakers among friends who want to participate and then share what we each learned - again, to get the most out of the free event. I've typed out my notes below for anyone who'd like to know more... each interview/conference is in a different color.

The first conference I watched was, of course, Shawni's interview with Saren. I was most excited to hear what she had to say about "Finding Joy in Motherhood." Shawni discussed a few great traditions that help moms (and dads) feel the joy of being a parent - from Family Movie Night (order pizza, make popcorn, have treats once a week; rotate who gets to choose the movie, and have discussions after the movie) to Sunday Sessions with your kids where each child is interviewed for about 10-15 minutes as they discuss with their mother or father what they want to work on that week (what they can improve on or make a goal of). She discussed trying to focus more on the moment and less on the "doing." She encouraged moms to find their hardest, most stressful moment of the day and make that more enjoyable by connecting with your kids. For example, if you absolutely hate buckling your kids in their car seats every time you leave the house, try making eye contact with them and stopping the moment to say "I love you" and perhaps you will find more connection and joy in that moment than stress and frustration. She also suggested, as she has done in her blog for years, to go watch your children sleeping after a stressful day - just remember these days are fleeting and even after a hectic day when they didn't behave at all, those little kids are still angels and you get to be their mom! Find joy in that.

The second interview I watched was by Saren Loosli (co-founder of Power of Moms and Shawni's sister). She spoke about Family Systems that help organize her home, her family, and her family culture. Her ideas were so great - concrete, do-able ideas that we can start even now with young children. She discussed three types of systems: Legal, Economic, and Family Culture. 

The legal system is simply rules and consequences that the family creates by asking the children what they think the family rules should be and then the parents hone in on 5 big ones based on the little ones (no running with scissors, for instance, can be easily grouped in with other safety rules to have one big rule of "we will be safe"). Saren's house rules are: peace in our home; order in our house; respect each other and belongings, asking, and obedience. Each rule must have clear consequences - usually logical or natural consequences: if stuff is left out, children must clean it up. Makes sense. If siblings are bickering, they spend time on a "repenting bench" or step where the two quarreling children sit together and stay on the bench until they can each admit what they THEMSELVES did wrong (not what their sibling did wrong), then they apologize and then hug before they can be dismissed from the bench. She also talked about some funny games that get little kids to clean their toys up. In her childhood home, her parents would have the "gunny bag" get hungry for toys. The gunny bag could only eat toys and clothes that are left out - and it becomes a fast game for kids to get their toys cleaned up before the gunny bag eats them. On Saturday, he would come back and give the toys back, but if he ate the same toy more than twice, the toy went to Goodwill because it must not be respected enough to be put away. Finally, she gave the idea of "Clean 10" when everyone has to put 10 items away before dinner.

The economic system is how the children earn discretionary money (allowance). She spoke about giving chores to each child in the house as they hit a certain age - to "certify" them in various areas (sink cleaning, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning toilets, loading the dishwasher, dusting, sweeping, bed making). I worked with Banner on towel folding today, actually. He became "certified" in folding our kitchen towels and bathroom washcloths and felt good about the job he learned. :) Once the child is certified in an area, he can sign up for that job on Sunday chore day, and hopefully he'll be excited about the great job he'll do. In addition, Saren has her children be in charge of various "zones" of the house. Each of her 5 children has one zone each month, and she says they seem to take great pride and ownership in their zone. (Zones are usually just rooms - kitchen, play room, living room, etc.) Each child also has an after-meal job so clean up is quick and easy (although, with five children, this might be easier): someone does the dishes, another the dishwasher, another has counter tops, one does sweeping, and one is general pick-up. Finally, their family uses a responsibility chart with five possible points each day of the week. The five points are earned by 1) being at the breakfast table on time and fully dressed (with socks and shoes!), 2) a job point for their after-meal job and keeping their zone clean, 3) a homework/practice point, 4) a bedtime point (clothes are set out for the next school day, rooms are tidy), and 5) a bonus point (perhaps the child did an extra job that day). Points are then turned into money equivalents on Saturday mornings.

Regarding money, the children in Saren's family are able to use their discretionary money when they want. One rule I LOVE is that she doesn't allow impulse buys. If a child wants to use money for something not already on their "wish list," they have to wait 48 hours to buy the item. The parents take a picture with the toy/item, and 2 days later, if they still want the item, they are able to use their own money to purchase it. She claims this cuts down on a lot of tantrums; parents did not say no, and often the kids decide they don't really want to spend their own money on something that was not desperately wanted. I think Banner would respond to this type of rule, and if he were spending his OWN money and not "ours," then he would be more careful in his spending, especially as he gets older.  Saren often tells her children to "check their bank accounts" (once they are 8 years old, they use a spreadsheet to document their money) when they want something; it's their call, not their parents'. They can use their money for approved apps, movies, toys, games. Parents buy food, clothes, and one extracurricular activity. If they want another activity, say soccer in addition to violin parents are already paying for, the child has to pay half. Saren says her children are more devoted and responsible when they are helping pay for the activity. Children can also earn extra money by doing bigger jobs: mowing lawn, washing windows, gardening, etc.

As for family culture, this is the traditions part of family life. Some families have a family motto, cheer, or song. They have special nighttime rituals or dinner table practices. One idea I really liked was the "sweet, sour, service" idea where everyone at the dinner table (yes, make a point to protect family dinner time and eat together as a family) says what their "sweet" moment was, what their "sour" moment was, and what act of "service" they did that day. 

Also, on the second day, I watched a great interview with Amy McCready on "Consequences that Work." Amy talked about the positive side of misbehavior... that misbehavior is something to celebrate as our kids are telling us something big. Misbehavior is not random; it tells parents and educators that children need "attention in their attention bucket." If they are not getting enough attention, kids will act out. Or, perhaps their behavior is a sign that we need to train them better on something - they need education and more practice at something. She went on to discuss what "consequences" are - they are ONLY for repeated patterns of behavior - not for a one-time mistake. There are two types of consequences parents should be considering for misbehavior - neither of which is a "punishment." The first is when a parent stays out of the consequence altogether: natural consequences. If a child doesn't take a coat to school on a frigid day, his natural consequence is that he will be very cold. The parent didn't nag the child to take a coat or warn him of how cold he will be, but instead, he will learn this on his own - which is more powerful than if the parent had to relay this message. These types of consequences yield the best outcomes. The other type of consequence is a logical consequence: the parent "engineers a consequence." The parent gives a statement of what will happen when a natural consequence is not appropriate. For instance, if a child doesn't want to brush his teeth, the natural consequence would be cavities. BUT, parents aren't going to let that happen! So, the logical consequence is, perhaps, that the parent will not allow foods that leaves sugar on the teeth. "I respect your choice to not brush your teeth, but we will have to change your diet so that nothing will turn to sugar on your teeth."

The consequences given to children should follow the 5 Rs. They should be:

• Respectful of the child
• Related to the behavior
• Reasonable in duration
• Revealed in advance
• Repeated back to the parent by the child
• And - the last extra step that parents can follow up with is, "What do you need to do to Remember this rule?"

In addition, Amy discussed her "no rescue policy." Of course, if the behavior only happens "once in a blue moon," rescuing is allowed. If your child NEVER forgets homework or her lunch, it's okay to bring it up to school this one time.  However, if the behavior is happening once a week, we need to work on training the child to remember on her own. Tell the child she is responsible for remembering homework or lunch. Ask her how you can help her remember (maybe laminate a card to hang on her backpack or place a note on the back door). Then, let it go and don't rescue her. Process it when it happens after school: how did it go? Does she need a different reminder? Empathize - no "I told you so..." comments. Instead, "This system isn't working. Let's brainstorm what else you can try."

Amy discussed technology as a privilege. She recommended screens be put away at least two-hours before bedtime since screens can interfere with a child's ability to calm and settle. Phones and tablets should be charged in a common area - NOT in bedrooms overnight. Parents shouldn't watch every move a child makes on the device, but instead, they should "check in" periodically. She also advocates that when a child first gets a phone, that they are trained on a "dumb phone" (a flip phone) to develop and demonstrate responsibility before getting a smart phone. 

Then, she elaborated on various common misbehaviors to discuss possible consequences. For instance, fighting over toys. A consequence would be either play together with the toy or take turns OR the toy goes away. She suggested a "waiting list" be started for the toy, and then kids generally feel that they will have their fair turn soon so they usually move on to a different toy while waiting.  Another behavior she mentioned was getting up and down at the dinner table (a behavior Banner really needs assistance with!). A consequence for this misbehavior could be that the child's plate is taken away if he gets up from the table: "I will assume you are finished with your meal." But, before the parent actually does this, the parent will role-play with the child prior to the meal. The child might even role-play with a favorite stuffed animal and pretend that the stuffed animal got up from the table. The child will pretend to be the parent and take the plate from the animal. This way, when it happens at dinner later, the child is fully prepared and knows what the consequence is, and he will have to decide what choice he's going to make.

On the third day, I watched my most anticipated interview. Saren interviewed her parenting guru parents, Linda and Richard Eyre. They are the authors of Teaching Your Children Values. I checked this book out from the library months ago and decided to wait on utilizing the ideas until my kids were older. However, I got some ideas from their interview that helped me know how to start teaching my boys NOW about some of the values they discuss in their book. I also bought their series called Alexander's Amazing Adventures, an audio program for kids to learn values each month. I haven't started it yet, so we will see in the near future how it goes! Anyway, the Eyres talk about how to directly teach your children values. They talk about role playing, praising, having a monthly focus, giving awards to your children for demonstrating values, etc. They recommend starting with the value of honesty, since everything is based on trust and truth. For little kids, they use a true or false game. Tell the child the sky is green, and they know to say "false." Then, something like "You like mac & cheese," and they say "true." This gets the young child into understanding what a lie and what a truth is. With older kids (elementary age), you can give scenarios and discuss different consequences of a variety of choices. For example: a cashier gave you too much money back. If you don't say anything and accept the extra money, the short term consequence might be that you have extra money to buy more candy. The long-term consequence might be a feeling of guilt or that the man lost money on a sale and has to make up the money on his own.

Other values they touched on were: courage, "peaceability," self-reliance. When they teach courage, they give awards called "Leader for the Right," when the child stands up for something. They discuss how even being a "chicken" takes courage to not give in to peer pressure and to say how you feel about being afraid. They discuss how it takes courage to be honest and courage to try new things. "Peaceability" is calmness. They reiterated their use of the "repenting bench" like Saren had done in her interview and described how they started that in their household years ago - and they told a story about how their 9 grown children all wanted to keep it when the couple down-sized; apparently, each of the kids felt that they learned a lot on that bench and it was a part of them. It's important to teach kids how others are feeling and to help them learn to recognize anger and how to "stay away from that feeling" through appropriate coping mechanisms. They encourage giving responsibility to kids to solve their own problems and not to take them on as your own as a parent. And, finally, self-reliance is taught by having kids earn their own money through jobs. In fact, their own kids learned how to pass items from one child to the other through "sell-me-downs" (as opposed to "hand-me-downs") when kids would trade items by learning to sell things they had bought with their own money. Even giving choices to young children helps them learn to make their own decisions and trust themselves to be self-reliant.

I watched another interview by Marla Cilley, aka The FlyLady, in a conference called "Are You Living in CHAOS? (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)," which was definitely something I needed to hear about! Marla talked about letting go of "perfect" and giving yourself more flexibility to just do what you can when you are running a household where small children live. She reminded viewers that homes are not a reflection of your worth, as many women often feel. She recommended starting small - just empty the sinks and make them sparkle, for example. Once you build that habit into your everyday routines, you can branch out and do other things. She also suggested keeping clutter from flat spaces... definitely a great tip, but in our house that's hard to do because high, flat spaces tend to be where we put things we don't want the kids to reach, so they easily get cluttered with random things (in the early toddler days, that means trash cans on counters and small objects that are swallow-able are elevated on these surfaces). I believe the hardest part is keeping the clutter at bay when it feels like no matter how many times I put the toys and clothes and shoes away, they end up right back where they started: in the wrong place! Little hands undo a lot of my cleaning efforts and it starts to feel pointless. But, it's definitely a good reminder to work on small tasks at a time and not get bogged down by the whole house!

Finally, I watched an encore presentation of Laura Markham's interview called "Raising Siblings to be Best Friends." To be honest, I didn't learn a whole lot from her conference, but she spoke about three distinct things you can do to help your kids be friends: model calm, peaceful responses by keeping our own anger in check; teach conflict resolution skills by walking your children through their disagreements without fixing the problem FOR them; and foster good relationships between your children by providing positive experiences for them (laughing a lot, being silly, creating opportunities to enjoy each others' company). There was a lot of discussion about walking the kids through their conflicts and what to say and what NOT to say, but mostly the more time and energy you spend in the early years teaching them these skills, the easier it will be for everyone as they grow up. The skills siblings learn by resolving conflict peacefully with each other will extend to other relationships in the future: spouses, employers, colleagues, room mates, etc. If we don't teach our kids these skills and increase their emotional intelligence, they risk having difficult relationships later on - getting fired, getting divorced, and so on. While I agreed with a lot of what Laura was saying, I thought it was a lot of common sense that didn't give me much. One thing I did like, though, was some of the wording she used when hearing two sides to the story. Statements like, "I want to hear both of you," "What's your perspective?" "I hear you. Thank you," "Okay, so now we have a big problem. I wonder how we can solve it. What can we try to work it out?" "Do you hear why ___ needs ____?" She also advocates having some physical contact with the child who is not speaking when the other is telling his/her side of the story - a touch on the arm or leg, for instance, while the other child is telling the perspective - so you are listening to one child while engaging with the other so both children feel important and heard. Perhaps the best quotation that came from this segment was the mantra: "Kids need the most love when they deserve it least," which reminded me of the point Amy McCready was making in her interview on consequences - that we need to take misbehavior as a sign that kids need more attention.

I'll definitely participate in the next Mom Conference if offered the opportunity. Not only was it helpful for my family, but I learned a lot that I can carry into my professional life as well. I'm ready to put some of these ideas into action. Sam and I have already created a point sheet for Banner to start rewarding him for special jobs he can take on to contribute to our household and to earn money on his own! I'm excited to see how it goes!

Party Time: Quinn's 2nd!

When planning Quinn's birthday party this year, I knew for sure it was going to be an Elmo theme because most of the year, he has just loved Elmo (and Abby and the other Sesame Street characters). But, as it got closer to him being two-years-old, his infatuation with Legos was far stronger than his liking of Elmo. So, it became an easy decision to switch to a Lego theme. And, I had a lot of fun with this idea. From building a Lego cake with "bricks" of cake and marshmallows to constructing a Lego napkin and fork holder, we had fun thinking up ways to incorporate the theme and using these toys that Quinn loves so much (and of course, Banner, too!). My boys could play with Legos for hours - and so could their daddy - so this was fun for everyone! Here are some pictures from our perfect day today!

The Invitation

Mommy's completed project the night before the big day!

Helpful candle holders! :)

Daddy and Banner made Quinn's name with Legos

Mommy made Lego chalk for party favors

Levi, Banner, and Quinn played chase while waiting for guests to arrive

Uncle Brock was quite the entertainer

Brock flipping Tyce

Banner flipping

Best Buds - Quinn & Ella

Brycen & Nami laughing at Uncle Sammy

Quinn loved hearing everyone sing "Happy Birthday!"

Attempting to blow out candles

"I did it!"

With Levi & Luca

Brock rough-housing with the boys

Happy 2nd Birthday, Quinn Redding!

Look Who's TWO!!

Dear Quinn,
Two years ago, we met and got to hold each other for the first time. Two years - they've come and gone so very quickly! I have so much to say to you, but I don't know where to start! So, I'll start with the simplest, yet most powerful: I love you. I love loving you. I love how well you love your family and friends. You light up the lives of so many people by just being you - a sweet, sensitive, affectionate, snuggly, smart, thoughtful, polite, cuddly boy! You are the epitome of all of those things. At two years old, you are nearly fully conversational - able to string your ideas together, tell us what you want, understand everything we say or ask, and add new vocabulary to your plethora of words on a daily basis. You are so observant - aware of others' feelings, what may have just happened, and even what you can do to be a helper. You pick things up when others' drop them or put things back when they are out of place. You just seem to notice things that need attention. You are great at sharing and taking turns (most of the time!). You catch on to words and phrases that Banner might use, and you copy some of our behaviors - thankfully the more positive ones! You love so fiercely and are happiest when our family is all together. You don't like it when one of us is elsewhere at school or work and will continue to cry or ask for that person.

So, what else have you been up to lately?

-Whenever you want to make a word plural, you add "-es" to the word: sockes, bookes, rockes. It's really kind of cute.

-My favorite expression this month has been "Don't like it." When I'm changing your diaper, you will often say, "Don't like it. Don't like it, Mommy!" Or, you'll try a food and spit it out saying, "Don't like it!"

-Yesterday, we were eating lunch together, and when I offered you some cracker with turkey on it and tried to feed it to you, you said, "Quinn do it actually." I had to try not to laugh. Then, a few minutes later, I set another cracker on your tray, and you wanted it in a different place, so you said, "This one actually," as you moved it to a different section of your plate.

-You started school this past month!! The first week was rocky, but, while you still cry during drop off, your teachers claim you are adjusting very well, and the last couple school days have been much better! You go Monday/Wednesday/Friday. You are with me on Tuesdays and with Grandma on Thursdays.

-You are trying so hard to jump. You're making progress, but you aren't quite getting both feet off the ground yet.

-You can finally say "truck" properly - so you are not cussing. And, we're working on "shirt." :)

-You hate it when I cut your nails. I hate having to do it - but I can't stand a boy with long nails!

-You like trying to use the potty, but you very rarely actually pee in it. You will ask to use the potty, but once on, nothing happens. You do like to take off your own diaper, and at least at this writing, you only do it when appropriate. Dear Lord, I hope that doesn't change. :)

-You would eat donuts or kolaches for breakfast every day if I let you - just like Banner. You're not a big sweets eater - you like to think you are, always asking for cookies or ice cream or a cupcake or chocolate when you see it. But, once you have it, you just hold it and never really put it in your mouth. It basically just makes a huge mess in your hand.

-We celebrated Graham & Greenley's first birthdays, Mommy & Daddy's anniversary, had a play date with Julia Bella and with Blakely (who just moved away and who we will miss dearly because you two play so nicely together!). You got to come to a sonogram to "see" your little brother - but I'm sure you couldn't make any of that image out!

-Speaking of, you know there is a baby in Mommy's belly. You and Grandma were drawing a family picture last week, and after she drew me, you pointed to the belly and said, "Baby." The next day, though, you pointed to your own belly and said, "Baby in there?" I told you no... just food! :)

-You LOVE My Gym classes. I am so glad we did that this summer and continued it this semester. It's a highlight of my week, and I love spending that one-on-one time with you. You play so nicely with the other children, you attempt new equipment and new skills, and you LOVE to help clean up!

-You know your colors, enjoy singing the alphabet and "Twinkle," can count pretty well on most days, and can recount your entire school day to me when I pick you up. In fact, Ms. Tali was super-impressed with that when you told me nearly everything you had done at school one day. I wouldn't have been able to know the WHOLE story without her elaborating, but you walked me through the whole thing, and then she commented that she doesn't even get that much information from her junior high son! :)

-STATS: (To be completed next week after we see Dr. B)

-Other stats: Wearing size 6 overnight diapers, but size 5 diapers during the day. Wearing clothes from size 18 months to 2T. Sleeping 8:00-7:00 (usually takes you about 20-30 minutes to fall asleep, and you often will roll around in your crib until 7:30am). Napping anywhere from 45 minutes to almost 2 hours. Still on Flonase, Zantac, and Zyrtec.

Quinn Redding, I soaked you up yesterday - spending your last day as a one-year-old together just me and you. We went to My Gym, and as we did our exercises and participated in the opening circle time, it hit me that this was it, I'd never have you as my one-year-old again. And, I got a little teary, and I had to fight back tears as I held you snug against me in my lap. OH, how I enjoy you and our time together! I got to put you to sleep last night. I asked you if you wanted to hear the story of your birth, and you repositioned yourself in my arms to lay horizontally in the crook of my elbow like you did as an infant. (That's how you like to be told stories, so when you heard me say "story," you knew to get in that position.) I recounted the morning of your birth and all the people who came to meet you. I told you about how we held each other and cuddled for nearly 4 days straight in that hospital bed. When we snuggle now, I have a hard time NOT thinking about those first snuggles with you. Truly, our cuddles are my favorite.

I forgot to print your "I Believe" before you went to bed, but I'll share it with you tomorrow. Otherwise, we did our basic traditional birthday stuff today: we showered you with balloons in your crib before I had to go to work; we took your birthday pictures in the big chair; and, tonight, we celebrated your big day by going to McDonald's! How classy, I know. Banner mentioned wanting to go, and you would not let that idea go without a fight. Since it was your birthday, you won - and Banner, too, by default. You had a blast there playing after attempting to eat your hamburger. Several times throughout the evening, you would say, "Happy!" or "Quinn happy, Daddy... Quinn happy, Mommy!" And, I absolutely love when you are!

Happy 2nd Birthday, My Love!
It's been a fabulous year! I can't wait to see what this year brings!
I love you so very much!
Love,
Mommy

Your last picture as a one-year-old

Favorite Second Year Memories: Quinn

• Watching you eat birthday cake at your first birthday party
• Taking you to Campbell Green for the first time. You lit up with time to yourself without Banner around. It was just us, and you seemed to relish this time!
• Similarly, the first time we met Daddy for lunch when Banner was in school. We went to Taco Diner, and you loved having us to yourself!
• Dancing to "Entertainer"at dinner time as a family
• Eating donuts at our family Hanukkah party
• You in your elephant costume on Halloween... you weren't so fond of it, but it was so freakin' cute!
• Watching you toddle around at Toddler & Me
• Dancing to Ella Enchanted and Parenthood songs, and just last night, the "Flashlight" song
• Swinging at the park
• Quite possibly my all-time favorite: Laying on your bedroom floor watching the fish projection and listening to "Twinkle" play on the sound machine - our heads together and holding hands. I cried, then you kissed me. (February, 17 months)
• Watching you hug Banner with both arms around each other for the first time in your room (February, 17 months)
• When you told Daddy "love you!" for the first time - it was completely unprompted and sincere (23 months)
• Waiting to sign in at the front desk at your 18-month check up while you held my leg and hid next to it... you were being shy, and I was your safe place.
• Sliding down the double slide at the "green park" together (18 months)
• The dance party you started on a Monday morning by playing the song on the party bus Aunt Mischelle and Uncle Brock brought you from NYC. All four of us just broke into our own dances in the kitchen after I made Banner's lunch that morning.
• Our dance to "Mamma Wing" at 18 months; after we dropped Banner off at school, we came home, danced and teared up!
• Piggy back rides... you on my back and Banner on Daddy's back, cooking dinner on a Wednesday night at 5:30.
• Morning snuggles in our bed while you drank your sippy cup of milk
• When I had been at Casey's shower, and you had gone out with Daddy, Banner, Bee Bee, and Zaide... I opened the front door to you coming home late. I knelt down and watched you toddle up the walkway, as you said, "Mama!" and gave me the best hug. (April, 19 months)
• When we were shopping at Whole Foods, and you leaned forward from your seat in the cart to hug me as I shopped.
• Hug after hug after hug on Mother's Day
• Watching you be so independent on Memorial Day as you kept up with the "big kids" on your ride-on toy
• One day, laying on the couch with you, Banner would yell "Aahh!" after you asked him to. You yelled "ahh!" back at him, then dove into my chest to hide from the noise. Mostly, it was your face and how you looked so shocked and surprised at Banner's loud yell. (June)
• Our visit to Klyde Warren with Levi & Luca
• When you and Banner played in the hotel in San Antonio the first night we arrived - so giddy! You both ran all over the hotel room laughing and doing your "high-stepping" run.
• Watching you wave to Abby & Elmo & Ernie at Bay of Play at Sea World... so very sweet!
• Watching you hug Banner after your first day of school.
• Snow days with you in February
• How big the blue coat was on your at the ICE! exhibit in December
• Putting you to bed tonight... telling you the story of your birth, who came to meet you that day, how you snuggled right away and my favorite thing has been (and always will be) cuddling you... and how many people love you and how very happy you make me... the way you felt in my arms, and how I know you'll never be this little again.

Iron Anniversary

Over 7 years ago, Sam and I got engaged, and several months later, this blog was born! The whole purpose of this blog was to document my frustration with the wedding planning, to document our journey (hence, journey to "the knot!"), and to try to connect with other brides or couples who could understand what we were going through. Hard to believe SIX years have passed since we vowed to be each others' beloved. SO much has happened since that time, and most of it has been great. We've had our scary moments, our times of great mourning, our dark places when the lives of others we love so much have been challenged, but we are so blessed with all the miracles in our life - and this year was no different.

Last year, I wrote about our marriage "starting Kindergarten." I joked with Sam about how we are on to "first grade" this year! But, that seems so little and immature, when our relationship is really much more advanced than that. We have known each other for 19 years, and dated on and off for 17 of those. But, alas, our marriage is still so young, and in keeping with the traditional anniversary gifts, we celebrated our "Iron" Anniversary this year.  I looked up "iron" on Wikipedia, and it claims that "pure iron is relatively soft" and it "is significantly hardened and strengthened by impurities..." I like these characteristics as our marriage matures. Where we once began with paper and then cotton, we've matured to wood and then to iron - each year, getting stronger with time and with change. It manages to survive dings and the "rough and tough" of time, stress, age, imperfections, mistakes, and challenges. Yet, it's still soft and requires care and attention. I love the symbolism of each anniversary and what each material represents.

This year, we celebrated by going out on a date! Imagine that... a date night - just us! But, before BeeBee & Zaide came to stay with Banner & Quinn, the boys wanted to watch our wedding video. We had been talking (several days or even weeks ago) about what "anniversary" means and that ours was coming up soon. Banner asked, "Are you going to wear your wedding dress?" and then I told him no, that I wore that only on our wedding day.  He had seen our video earlier this year, so I reminded him, and he asked if he could watch it again. I had told him we would do that on our actual anniversary, so he was excited when I told him he and Quinn could eat dinner at the coffee table and watch the video before we left for our date. They were too cute watching! Banner waved to the screen, saying "Hi, Mommy! Hi, Daddy!" It's hard for him to believe he wasn't even born then, but it's neat for him to see how little Caden and Mara and Miles were, and all the people he loves so much. It's neat for him to see Bubbie, to hear her voice and watch her. And, I'm pretty sure Quinn didn't eat a thing as he stared at the beautiful people he knows and loves in the "movie" in front of him!

Once Zaide & BeeBee arrived, Sam and I headed out to Kobe for a yummy meal of WAY too much food. I could barely eat anything after I snacked on my fried rice, but it's all so good, I kept trying. I'm pretty sure my little nugget baby was screaming from my belly - "ENOUGH, Mommy!! I can't take all this food!" :) We had a nice time, even with the strangers who sat at our hibachi table... we really enjoyed the couple to our left and had a ball laughing with them throughout dinner. Then, we headed home to relieve Zaide & BeeBee, and once they left, we watched our anniversary video I made.

As in years past, this tradition is the highlight of our night. We look forward to watching our year all put together with songs that become our favorites throughout the year. This year, we had more "kid songs" than ever before, but when we look back at these videos years from now, it will bring us right back to when our kids were small and our days were filled with their things and their lives! I wouldn't have it any other way! After the hour-long video was over, Sam and I just sat recounting some of those memories. He was still wiping the tears from his eyes, just so grateful for our boys and our family. It's always really cool for us to recap the year and to see how much we've done, how much the boys have grown, how many amazing people we have surrounding us, how much love is in our lives. Every couple should do this, seriously! It's a lot of work and effort, but so very worth it!

And then, today, we got to share our video with our friends and family. This is another fun thing that has become a tradition for us, and I love sharing it and having them surround us to help us celebrate. I hope they see how important they are to us and how much we appreciate them being in our lives. We really couldn't have this beautiful relationship without their support and love!

As we went to bed last night, I told Sam I had ordered us a gift to commemorate our anniversary. I wish I had been more sensible and timely and just bought a damn iron - given that our iron could be replaced! But, I didn't think of that. Instead, we have an iron statuette on the way. It is of a man and a woman ready to embrace each other, and their silhouettes form hearts. It will decorate our home and help us remember this Iron Anniversary! :)

Sam, I love you so very much and cannot wait to keep celebrating more and more anniversaries with you. Here's to us, here's to 6 years, and here's to 6 more!

Ah! A night alone!! :) :) :)

Sam couldn't keep his eyes open with the flash so bright... which had us cracking up.

First First Day: Quinn

Dear Quinn,
This morning, you walked into your very first classroom and met your very first official teachers. I know you had no choice in the matter, but I am still feeling very proud of you for this big step. While I have no idea - okay, I think I have a good idea - how Monday morning will play out when Mommy and Daddy say goodbye to you at your first day of school, I am proud of you for showing up today to Meet the Teacher with a relaxed, laid back attitude! You said hello with a smile on your face, you didn't hide or cry or say no. You played and explored and even let your new teachers, Ms. Tali and Ms. Alison hold you for a picture. You asked for what you wanted, you noticed things around your classroom, you found your cubby, you got excited to wear your kipah... it was great! You even got to explore Banner's classroom a little.

I fully expect Monday to be horrible for all of us, but that's me - plan for the worst, hope for the best. You may very well surprise us, but I think it will be a rough day (at least in the beginning). You've never been away from a family member - except with Paige, although Grandma was usually around, and even if she wasn't, Papa was nearby, or you were familiar with the surroundings being at Grandma & Papa's house. So, Monday will be a brand new experience, and I'm praying you handle it well.

Quinn, you are SO ready for school. You have been for a while! I have no doubt this year will be great for you. I have no doubt you will be quite the little mensch and make good friends. I know you will play well, you will share, you will help, you will enjoy yourself. I am so very excited for you to start this big adventure of yours. But, at the same time, it's hard to let you go. I don't want to see you upset being left at school, and it's hard to "set you free" into a new world without the security of Mommy's (or Daddy's, or Grandma's or Aunt Kira's or NaNa's or Aunt Gayle's or Zaide's...) watchful eyes and protective arms. But, like I said before, I am really proud of you. I know you will make the most of this school experience, because that's who you are! You are an incredible little boy - so sweet, caring, thoughtful, polite, helpful. I feel horrible that the only school you have come to know so far is NOT the school you will attend this year. Every time we pass Levine, where we did a semester of Toddler & Me, where you came to love Banner's teachers, where you know you'd see Aunt Kira (and Levi), you say, "School! Me. Go. In there." And, yet, that is not where you will be. I'm so sorry. But soon enough, this new school will be a second home to you, and you will be just fine - I know.

This evening, as I rocked you before putting you in your crib, it just kind of hit me. My sweet baby is growing up and ready to embark on a new path, and it won't be "just us" anymore. We'll still have a special day for just us each week, and you'll have a day with Grandma each week, as well. But, there will be a lot of letting go this year. Both of us will handle it with flying colors; I just have to acknowledge that it's a new phase we are heading into. And, I want to wish you the best first year of school! Be you, Quinn. Don't be intimidated or afraid. Be brave and daring and curious. Explore, learn, befriend, embrace, participate. Include and share and invite. Take chances and risks, but be safe and mindful. Be a leader, but sometimes a follower, but all the time - be yourself! Oh My Goodness, be excited to learn new things. Your "formal" education starts now, and I cannot wait to see what lies ahead for you, My Love. I'm so very happy to be the one who gets to have a front row seat to this adventure of yours.

Happy First First Day of School, Quinn Redding!
I love you more than you will ever know.
Love,
Mommy

Ready to meet your teachers!

With Ms. Tali & Ms. Alison

I Can Finally Post This!

I've had an itty, bitty summer secret that I haven't written about AT ALL until this very day. Although this little secret is still teeny tiny - about 2 to 2 1/2 inches to be exact - it's kind of a big deal! So, without further delay, I am finally shouting to the world:

WE ARE PREGNANT, AGAIN!

With my past two pregnancies, I have written in a journal from the very beginning. But, not this time. I need to do that, and I've been keeping notes about what I'd write, but I haven't actually allowed myself to take it all in yet! So, this is my first official writing about Baby #3!

The Plan
Well, there wasn't one. :) When Banner was 13 months old, I developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, which set a path in place for when we needed to try to have more children if we wanted. There were medications that could have greatly helped my pain and stopped my body from crippling itself, but those medications could not have been in my system for several months before even trying to conceive. So, Sam and I decided to try to conceive sooner than later with the the hopes that pregnancy would alleviate symptoms (which happens quite often for women with RA) and that if the symptoms returned after delivery, then I could start taking those medications. THANK GOD, those symptoms never returned, and I was/am in full remission. Yet, as Quinn approached 2-years-old, and I approached 35, we knew we weren't getting any younger. We decided to just "see what happened" and left our family growth in God's hands. We figured nothing would change for several months. We were wrong. We conceived in no time. Well, okay... one time. :)

How I Found Out
I really suspected I was not pregnant. The early part of June, we were traveling to Minnesota, we went to Sea World with the boys, I was busy with getting Banner to camp and entertaining Quinn. I didn't really suspect anything at all. When I was a full week "late," I told Sam I would take a test the next day if I continued to be "late." However, the morning I told Sam that, I took Quinn to a local farm, and while there I kept getting waves of nausea. I attributed it to the June heat, but it just kept hitting me and annoying me. So, I decided to go ahead and test to put my mind at ease. The digital test flashed "pregnant" at me pretty soon - but the little timer kept flashing too, so I thought maybe it wasn't totally done and the word "not" was going to pop up before 3 minutes was up. That didn't happen. Instead, a "3+" popped up when the flashing stopped. I had forgotten this test told me how far along I was predicted to be: 3+ weeks post ovulation. I was at least 5 weeks pregnant.

How I Told Sam
I called Sam immediately, mostly to see if he was available to meet for lunch. But, he already had plans, so I had to be patient and wait to tell him until the end of the day; I didn't want to tell him over the phone! When he came home, he kissed the boys and me hello. I was busy cooking dinner, but I watched him greet the kids to see if he "noticed" anything. He didn't. He walked back towards our room to change clothes, when all of a sudden I heard his footsteps back on the playroom floor. I headed back from the kitchen to see his expression. "Wait. Why is Quinn wearing this shirt?!" I just looked at him and smiled. Quinn was wearing Banner's "Big Brother" shirt, and Sam was putting it all together. He was all smiles as I nodded, and he said, "No way! No way! It was one time!!" We hugged for a minute, and then I showed him the positive pregnancy test.

What the Doctor Said
I had a 7-week sonogram and doctor visit a couple weeks later. I was very anxious for this appointment and couldn't believe there was really "something there" when we got to see our baby for the first time with a flickering heart beat! Sam and I were both still shocked at how quickly this all happened! I was measuring 7 weeks and 2 days, the baby's heart rate was 156, they could tell I ovulated from my right ovary, and the yolk sack measured 3.5 mm... a question I had asked the sonographer because, well... I know too much. In fact, she told Sam she'd never had a patient ask her that, but I had heard from a previous doctor that the measurement of the yolk sack is a great indicator of the pregnancy's success. I need to know these things with my EPA: Early Pregnancy Anxiety! I was also given a due date at that appointment: February 23, 2016, although since I will have a repeat C-section, this baby won't be born later than a week before that date.

My doctor also discussed a blood test I would have at 10-weeks pregnant that would detect (with 99% accuracy) certain chromosomal abnormalities, and we could have the sex of our baby revealed with the results of that blood work. I was a nervous wreck until that blood test. I prayed (and still pray) several times a day that this baby is healthy. When the nurse called with results, I had accidentally left my cell phone at home when I went to pick Banner up from camp. It probably worked out better that way, since my heart would have been racing to see the number pop up on my phone! When I got home, there was a message waiting. The nurse told me that everything came back perfect! I was so relieved to hear that news, so so relieved. She went on to tell me to hang up if I didn't want to know the sex of the baby. She stalled, she waited, she gave me a chance to stop listening to the message. And finally, she said, "You're having a healthy baby boy!" I was in shock. Three for three! What are our odds?! I had hoped and prayed for a healthy baby, and I was so relieved to get the news I got, but I had also hoped and prayed for a baby girl. Our family needs a girl! I had envisioned my boys with a little sister. There are SO many reasons why numerous people in this extended family should have a girl baby already! But, that was not in our control, and I just called Sam and asked if he wanted to know the details. He, of course, was also more concerned about the health of the baby, he didn't really care if it were a boy or girl (although we both really wanted a girl if we had to pick). When I asked him to guess, he guessed girl, and when I told him no, he was completely shocked. "Are you serious!?" "Yep!" And we were like giddy kids just laughing at ourselves with 3 boys. We chatted for a few more minutes, and then he had to get back to work. We are still in shock. ;) Mostly because we have to come up with another NAME!

We had a 12-week sonogram last week. At that time, Baby's heart rate was 164, and he was measuring a week ahead. He was moving all over the place, and Banner and Quinn got to be there to see him! He waved to them a couple times and did a couple "ninja" poses for them. The big brothers weren't quite sure what they were looking at, but it was pretty neat for them to see!

How We Spread the News
My goal was to keep this pregnancy a secret until I was 12 weeks. But, I couldn't do it. I told my mom 2 days after I took the pregnancy test. She had come over to babysit for us while Sam took me out for my birthday date. When we got home, we were talking about the gift he had given me/us - a "gift certificate" for a housekeeper. I told Mom it would really be helpful to have someone help me keep the house clean "while I'm growing our third child." She was ecstatic - hugged me and Sam with tears in her eyes. I told my sister the following day, asking her if it would be okay if Levi's cousin had a birthday close to his. I needed these two ladies to know - and Sam knew I needed them to know. And, in hindsight, I'm so relieved I told them early on because this pregnancy has kicked my ass. These early weeks have been trying - the heat is exhausting, these boys keep me on my toes with little time to rest, and I NEVER want to think about food or eating or trying to cook for anyone! Mom and Kira have really been a huge help this summer... and of course, Sam.

Everyone else has found out at different times. I told my dad at 7 weeks, right after we saw a heartbeat. I told my brother at 10 and a half weeks when his kids weren't around and I had his full attention. I told Robyn at 7 weeks when we were alone (meaning the kids had gone off to play) at the GFC reunion in the middle of a Shabbat service. I told a couple other people here and there, but we shared with the whole family after the blood work came back okay. Everyone's been super shocked - and we can't tell if it's because we're having a third child or if it's because we're having a third boy. In fact, we told Banner we were pregnant right before we shared with the whole family. I have a little fetal Doppler, and we let him listen to the baby's heartbeat. We explained that it wasn't Mommy's heartbeat but a little baby inside Mommy. Then, we asked him if he thought it was a boy baby or a girl baby. He said, "Boy baby." When we said, "YES! You're right!!" he lit up from ear to ear with a huge smile. We couldn't tell if he was excited that it was a boy or that he was right!

Sam and I think the caption on this should say, "They thought they might have a girl!"

How I'm Feeling
Like I said before, this pregnancy has been a beating. I'm tired, I'm very nauseous, and clothes have started to be uncomfortable long before they did with my past pregnancies. I'm not "showing," but I have felt very bloated, despite losing a few pounds these first few weeks. Reflux and indigestion made an early debut, and since relief from Tums only lasts so long, I'm already on a prescription med to help control it.  I hate eating but know I need to do it. Cheese is my go-to - it usually satisfies my wicked hunger without making me want to puke. Ice cream helps the reflux, which is great - but it's not even really a craving. I wish I had cravings. I'm sick of feeling hungry when nothing sounds good to eat. I've also been very anxious about sharing this news with everyone because I'm just now heading back to work. I had been dreading telling my principals and my colleagues who might think poorly of me for starting a new position as a pregnant person. But, they handled it perfectly. Both principals have been extremely supportive and excited for my family. I am so very lucky to be working where I am going to be working this year! BUT, that didn't take away from the anxiety I felt all summer about how and when to tell them!

On Boys
When Sam and I were dating, we imagined our lives with kids. Specifically, we had named 3 daughters and a son. We BOTH wanted girls. When we found out Banner was a boy - after thinking for about 8 weeks that he was a girl based on an early prediction by our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor - we were both in shock and somewhat sad about the little girl we had bonded with. With Quinn, we knew he was a boy very early on (same prediction test, but this time we saw more clearly what we were looking for, and a blood test confirmed his sex at about 12 weeks). We were hoping for a girl - you know, "one of each," but we were not as "sad" this time because we never really bonded with what we thought was a girl baby. With this baby, we were hoping for a girl again, but we know we don't get to choose. We know that parenthood is all about surprises, and we knew with age, that a healthy baby was the primary goal! We weren't "trying for a girl," we were trying for a baby - and hopefully, a healthy one.

I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't slightly sad when I heard the nurse say, "boy." And, this blog is all about being honest and having a voice that others might identify with. So, let me tell it like it is. I cried that night - for about 5 minutes to my mom. I cried the next day when I talked to her in person - for about a minute. I felt guilty for crying because who am I to cry about a healthy blessing!?!! But, in talking to my mom, I realized the reason I was sad is because I very well may never have a daughter. One day my mother-daughter relationship with my own mother will end, and I wanted to have that legacy with my own daughter. I want to be the mother of a girl - to experience all of it. I know what it's like to be a mother of a boy, but what about a girl? My sister always says if anyone was meant to have a daughter, it's me - that she always imagined me to be the mother of a little girl. I agree. I was meant to have a daughter - to be sure she never wore one of those hideously large bows too big for her head, to never dress her in frilly, lacy get-ups that she couldn't possibly be comfortable to nap in... oops, I'm getting off topic.

But, never once did I resent this baby boy growing inside me. Never once have I been upset at HIM! In fact, I really don't know what it's like to be the mother of "boys." I know what it's like to be the mother of Banner and of Quinn. And, I'll learn what it's like to be THIS little dude's mother. And, when I watch my little boys playing together, oh my GOD... they have my heart. And they are "everything I never knew I always wanted!"

So, when people want to know if we will be trying for a girl - a 4th baby! - I don't know that I can do pregnancy again. I think we may be "done." I won't commit to that just yet, but I'm pretty sure. We are so blessed with our babies - each of them unique and different and separate from each other - not just "another boy." So many well-meaning people, some of my closest friends, in fact, have been excited for us, but their next question after knowing this baby is a boy is: "You okay?" I know why they are asking, but to be honest, that question hits hard. Can you imagine asking a mom of girl who is having a boy, "You okay?" Would anyone ask a pregnant mom of a boy and a girl, "Are you okay?" when she finds out she's having another boy - or another girl? Sounds silly, right? Or, how about the comments about how I "will have my hands full with three boys!" I'll have my hands full with three KIDS, regardless of their sex. But, you know what? You should see my heart! Now THAT is full!

Man, we do boys well! I love my SONshines (thank you, Julie!), and how amazing they are. And, when I look at Banner and at Quinn, my heart bursts with love and admiration for them. And, OH MY GOD...THANK GOD, I get to experience this with another baby of mine!