Tradition! Tradition!

When Sam and I met with the rabbi for our pre-marital counseling sessions, the rabbi made a comment that has stuck with me: "Building a family is an opportunity to create what we want." I love this way of looking at the family unit. Traditions help build a family foundation and connection. When my kids are grown, I want them to have fond, positive memories of their childhood. I want them to remember having fun together, to remember feeling loved and safe, and to remember exciting times they looked forward to. I want them to pass traditions on to their children while also feeling free to create new ones. Our family traditions are deliberately thought out. Sometimes we start traditions and wish we hadn't because they are time consuming or require a lot of effort but push forward nonetheless. Sometimes we start something and realize we hit the nail on the head! Sometimes we try something and then decide never to do that again. No matter what, though, I thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to create - not just the tradition but our family. 

After listening to the "Traditions" episode of the In the Arena podcast, I made a list of our family traditions as of 2023:

Birthdays

• First birthdays - While my kids won't really remember this, it's one of those things we did for each of the boys' first birthdays. Of course we did the traditional smash cake, but we also made a video montage documenting their first year. Also, around this time, Grandma bought the boys' first pair of shoes. I loved that she did this with each of them. 

• Chair photos - When Banner was one-month-old I took his photo in a couple of different places. Eventually, the one that "stuck" was the beige recliner, and we took photos each month from then on. For a while we took half-birthday photos, but now, we just do once a year. 
  
  

  

  
• Blog books - every 5 years, I publish the letters I've written to the birthday boy in a blog book. These include the annual letters I write to them on their birthdays. Their 5-year-old books were THICK! I used to write every month for the first two years of their lives. There were lots of photos, too! I think one of the things that drives this tradition is wanting to capture time and save it for them.

• Birthday balloons in bed - this started on Banner's first birthday, bringing balloons into his crib for him to play with. Twelve years later, he still wants balloons, even though Sam has an irrational fear of them. With each birthday, the balloons end up rolling around the house for a couple weeks - which is why Sam wishes we had never started this one!

• Donuts and Kolaches - everyone's favorite birthday (and half-birthday) breakfast!
  

• "I Believe" - In high school, this was a thing. So were "walk-down" papers we made for BBYO. In the I Believe, the roasts, or the papers, friends wrote about inside jokes or funny stories. I totally forgot about it until Banner was about to be 3-years-old. I wanted to capture everything I could from that year he was 2, so I wrote an "I Believe" and put a watermarked "2" behind the words. It was my way of saying goodbye to 2, to remembering the things that made up the year he was 2. Then, I did one for Quinn when he turned 1 (with a big "0" watermark). And, a tradition was born! As the boys have gotten older, they look forward to me reading their "I Believe" to the whole family on the night before their birthday. It's a good way to get closure as we say goodbye to that year. Then, it goes in a frame with the previous years' printouts. 
  

  

Holidays

• Hanukkah themed gifts - This one started as a way to streamline Hanukkah and make it easier for me to come up with gift ideas. Each night focuses on a certain value. In no particular order, our nights include: Brother Exchange (thinking of others), Gift of Giving (helping those in need), Choose Your Own (money management and choices), Coupon Night/"Couponukkah!" (mental health and treating yourself), Family Gift (we're a family unit), Party Night (gift of time with loved ones), "I've Always Wanted That Night" (delayed gratification), and Experience (not all gifts are tangible). 
  

• Sukkot themed dinners - too much to write, so instead of outlining it here, reread this post!

• Heart attacks - On Valentine's Day, we tape hearts all over the kids' bedroom doors. Each heart says something we love about that boy.
  

• Passover seder - Well, this one is a long-standing tradition. The extended family gets together, and seder is laced with traditions passed down from one generation to the next. From the orange on the seder plate to "hail" falling from the ceiling, the kids look forward to the expected - which can sometimes be the unexpected.

• Anniversary videos - Our wedding anniversary has become a holiday in our family. What started as a 30 minute surprise for Sam on our first anniversary became a recurring event. Now the video has become more of a "movie" at over an hour in length, and we invite those closest to us to view it with us. The boys look forward to seeing what songs will be in there (songs that inevitably will bring us back in time when we hear those songs years from now), they love reflecting on the funny, silly, sweet moments of the year, and they love to have people over to celebrate with us. It's a huge undertaking, but it's so worth it!
  

Throughout the Year

• Camp Mommy - Each year, I spend one week with each boy to do fun stuff just us. It all started with my need to get Banner out of the house when he was a toddler. Staying home all day was just not easy. It was actually easier to go at least one place each day, so I created a calendar of places we could go, and the summer days were so much more pleasant that way. Since then, I spend the latter part of the spring semester creating a plan for some one-on-one time with each one of my boys. 

• Co-sleep Sunday - I believe there's an evolutionary drive for kids to want to sleep with their parents. I don't blame my boys for constantly asking if they can sleep in our bed or if we will sleep in theirs. BUT, as their little bodies grow bigger and take up more space, and along with a dog who wants to also sleep in our bed, it's getting really crowded. So, we decided once a month we will give in and co-sleep. To put a stop to the arguing about who sleeps next to whom, we literally have a rotating schedule. 

• Friday Family Film Fest - Or, "Saturday Cinema." Either way, watching movies together at home is a family tradition where Mom/Dad picks the movie, we eat dinner together in front of the TV, and we make sure our kids know all the classics!

• Ice cream after the first day of school - nothing gets kids talking about their day like something sweet!
  

  

  

• First & last day school photos - who doesn't like to compare the first day of school anxious, eager, dapper boys to the disheveled, sloppy, excited look of the ones ready for summer?

Lost But Not Forgotten Traditions

• Texas/OU Game
• Arboretum Pumpkin Patch
• My birthday dinner at Kobe Steaks
• Race for the Cure 
• Well-check brunches

There are a few other traditions we might start soon, including No Rules Night a couple times a year. We never know what activities or events will turn into a "thing" in our house. It's kind of exciting to try out new things and just see what happens.We also love the traditions in our extended family. For instance, my kids look forward to the piñatas we will get to bust open at their cousins' birthday parties. The same is true for going to my aunt's house to watch fireworks on the roof on the Fourth of July, hanging at Zaide's house on Memorial Day or Labor Day, debating on whether or not to eat the black eyed peas on New Year's Day, going to Goff's on my dad's birthday, and taking family "tree pictures" and having photo shoots on Thanksgiving Day. 

What are some traditions you have in your family? What are traditions you had growing up? Which ones did you not like? Which were your favorites?

Deliberate Parenting

Nearly one year ago, I made a decision to focus (almost) solely on parenting. I left my career as a school counselor to devote more time and attention to the three little humans I brought into this world, and it has been absolutely amazing. The year has flown by in a flash, and I'm really enjoying it. BUT, it's a fucking full time job, and it makes me wonder how I ever managed to get it all done before! Yes, I'm more relaxed and have more time to devote to it now, but it's not a breeze, and it's not eating BonBons on the couch all day! Man, this is a hard job. Hardest I've ever had. I know it's cliché, but it's so very true. We as moms have NO idea what we're doing, but each day we get up and wing it yet again hoping we don't screw it up too much. We're going to have regrets. We're going to get it wrong. We're going to feel guilty and angry and frustrated. But, I've learned we are not alone. You're never the only parent who feels a certain way or thinks a certain way. We are all much more alike than not, and we can all learn from each other. 

In 12 years as a mom, I've learned to trust my gut. I've learned to start again when something isn't working. I've learned to go with the flow, and that my kids really will be okay. I've learned to take their lead sometimes. I've learned to step back, to let it go, or to just wait it out when I need to. If I add up the ages of my kids right now, I've had a collective 28 years of experiencing parenting children with different strengths, challenges, motivations, demands, and personalities. When we think of it like this, it's really unbelievable all the things we moms accomplish while juggling our own relationships, jobs, responsibilities, and well-being! 

When our kids are little, the physical part of parenting is the most challenging. Changing diapers, carrying kids on our hips, chasing toddlers before they get into something they shouldn't, tying their shoes (okay, I'm still doing that a little!), wiping bottoms, literally bathing their little bodies, cleaning up their toys and their spills (okay, still doing that a little, too!), lifting them up to reach something, getting them dressed, literally feeding them, buckling them into their carseats, strapping them into the stroller... these are physically demanding tasks. You're up and down in the middle of the night; you might be breastfeeding or pumping or mixing formula only to have to wash bottles and nipples and pump parts all over again. You're mashing food and "airplaning" spoons into unwilling mouths. You need both your hands and more to get all the things done! 

Then, all of a sudden, the emotional and mental challenges take over: helping them navigate a crush or a breakup, teaching them to take responsibility for their actions, instilling a work ethic, encouraging creativity, helping them to organize their belongings, teaching them about money management, introducing them to the evils of humanity, trying to help them be their own person while hoping they fit in, helping them learn to balance their time.... the list goes on and on and on. I'm bargaining with the first grader to rewrite his sloppy work, cuddling and calming an anxious third grader, or negotiating with a greedy 6th grader who wants to spend hundreds of dollars on name brand shoes. The amount of energy and mental gymnastics it takes to raise happy, healthy, kind, smart, safe little beings can feel overwhelming. I often feel like I'm beating my head against the wall or that talking to that wall would be more productive than getting my kids to listen to me. So, I did. I quit my job to dedicate more time to focusing on helping my family focus on these little things that make up the big picture. But, how in the world do we manage to teach them all the things!?

My goals for my new position as a "staty-at-home-mom" were to make life more manageable. To come up with some positive changes in our household and in our child-rearing that would feel less chaotic, more structured, more intentional.  I wanted there to be reasons why we do what we do or why we expect certain things from our kids. This is deliberate parenting. Deliberate parenting is thinking through our parenting decisions, creating traditions and routines that focus on our core values as a family, and being mindful of the approach we take when meeting the demands of raising kids.

Years ago, I came across Shawni Pothier's blog: 71 Toes. I followed her family and her ideas on parenting. Her parents, Richard & Linda Eyre, are parenting experts who have written some books I've read as well. Shawni and her 3 sisters have started a podcast called In the Arena with the Eyre Sisters, and I absolutely LOVE the ideas they give on various areas of parenting. I literally take notes to help me remember all the ideas they have about parenting, and many of them have become the norms in our house now. I wanted to write a few of them out to share with others who might find them helpful.

We started a discussion about changing the way our family system runs with a Family Survey I gave to my boys several months ago. It was a Google Form I created, and they each gave me feedback on various questions I posed to them. A week later, after Sam and I had time to plan our next steps, we discussed the results as a family. I was pleased to learn that each boy really likes our family and feels grateful to be a part of it. They each had some different desires and motivations, but overall, their responses aligned, and they were ready for a change. With my Nearpod expertise from guidance lessons (haha!), I created a "lesson" to teach the kids about the new plan, our new Family Economy. 

First, we came up with 5 laws to follow. We agreed to them and decided what would happen if someone broke one of our house laws. Then, we introduced the kids to the new "slips" we would use at the end of every day to evaluate their "jobs" each day. (We ordered little business cards with the information on it, so it's fast and easy every night.) Then, we explained how they would earn money at the end of the week for their work. Basically, they have four jobs to do each day: 

1. Be ready to leave the house on time
2. Complete 2 jobs - happily, quickly, and well
3. Clean their "zone" - happily, quickly, and well
4. Be ready for bed and the next day

For each of these items, they receive 25 cents (adding up to $1 a day if all is complete). If they do each job every day for a week AND they don't break any laws all week, they have a chance to get their money DOUBLED. So, they can earn up to $14 a week! From there, they can spend 70% of that money, while 20% goes to savings and 10% goes to "giving." In addition, they may not touch their savings until the end of each quarter. If they continue to save, they earn 5% interest. It sounds complicated, but it's really not. The spreadsheet we use helps them see how they are earning quite a bit if they make good choices and contribute to our household in a positive way. (They are expected to do the jobs each day, but they only get paid for it if they do it "happily, quickly, and well.") 

I have to say the laws, the economy, the jobs, the responsibilities they've taken on - it's all been so helpful and quite life-changing for me. I know I'm going to have help with daily/weekly tasks, and I know I'm teaching my kids how to do so many things around the house. Their jobs range from taking out the recycling to scooping up dog poop to sweeping the garage to checking mail to organizing cubbies... We've recently added in "Dinner Helper" and "Floor/Wall Inspector." The boys have found which jobs they like and which ones they don't. We've tweaked it to fit our weekly needs a couple times, and we get it closer and closer to being perfect! For instance, we added in that they lose 10 cents every time they forget to turn off their bathroom or bedroom light or forget to flush a toilet! That has helped immensely! The family laws have also been so helpful in decreasing fights, using a common language about what we need from each other, and getting us on the same team again. 

Some other things we've changed this year: 

• We've added in "Co-Sleep Sunday" once a month. Our kids are always asking us to sleep in their beds or to sleep in our bed. So, once a month, we give in. The last Sunday of each month, we have a rotating plan for who sleeps where.
• No Rules Night - we're adding this tradition in a couple times a year. There are two exceptions to the "no rules:" we have to be safe, and we can't disturb other people. 
• We have always stood by the motto "don't let school get in the way of a good education," but as our kids get older, we really want to focus on experiences, traveling, sightseeing, and learning from the world around us. While missing school can be really stressful, we've learned to look at the big picture and not worry so much if the kids have some unexcused absences. 
• Every now and then at dinner, we have speech night. Each person is given one minute to give an impromptu speech about a random topic we select for them. Knox is surprisingly very good at this, and Banner absolutely hates it. It's also amazing to see how good they are at knowing how long one minute is and how they come up with an opening and a closing statement on the fly!
• We decided we really liked the Family Survey so we do those every couple months now. The kids like to give their feedback about how things are going for them. I usually include some safety questions (what's our address, who can you go to for help, what would you do if....), and I always include the questions "What do you need Mom to know?" and "What do you need Dad to know?" I also like the "I need my brothers to know..." stem. I want their input about where they like to go, what goals they have for themselves, and what's important to them. 

As a busy mom, I was always feeling overwhelmed and frustrated about what my kids weren't doing to help or pitch in where they could. I was feeling stressed by the mental load of being the "default parent." We moms take on so much, and telling others what we need can often be yet another burden. Our kids and our partners don't always know what we want or how we want it done, so we end up doing it ourselves. We get the birthday party gifts, we know what we need from the store, we schedule the dentist appointments and haircuts, we take the dog to the vet, we plan the party, we sign up for soccer snacks, we remember to enroll them for camps, we read the teacher emails, we sign the permission forms, we remember library day, we organize the carpool, we know when to call for a prescription refill ... and I'm often so sick of it. But, this year has given me the time and space to ask for what I need to make our home a more peaceful, well-oiled machine while teaching my kids so many wonderful things about being a contributing citizen to our family and to the world.  I've been able to see the bigger picture, to clear the clutter physically and mentally so I can focus on being a better parent. My mental load is lighter, my creativity can flourish, and I have more time to devote to actually being in the moment with my kids. I know we're fortunate that we could even think about this choice as a family and that it's quite rare to have this option. I am incredibly grateful for this year of growth to focus on what really matters, to focus on what I can control in this chaotic world, and to help my own kids by being a deliberate parent.

And Another Year Makes... SEVEN!! (Knox's Newsletter)

Dear Knox,

You are now 7 years old! You have been for two weeks, but I have been slow to get to this letter. I wanted to wait until after your birthday party and your well-check with Dr. B before I wrote your letter, but even a week after all that, it's just been a really busy time! I still can't believe we met 7 years ago. It's getting closer to a decade, and you are not a baby in the least bit. I mourned you leaving 6 behind, because in my mind, 6 is still so little. Seven feels big! I have to remind myself that, even though you're MY baby, you are not A baby. It's so strange this whole motherhood thing. With Banner, I always feel like he act older than he does because as he reaches a new age, it seems so old. With you, though, I always feel like you can't possibly know how to do things or do things because you're so little or young. I totally understand the reasons for birth order differences and why parents might treat their kids differently. It's not fair to you or to Banner that I feel that way, and I know that. But, it's my perspective, and I'm working on it. (And that poor mid-kid who gets treated both old and young... sweet Quinn. It's never fair for anyone I guess.) 

So, here's a little bit about you at 7-years-old:

• We just started pragmatic language therapy with Ms. Dinah because you told me you feel awkward in new social situations. I looked into pragmatic skills because you come across as very rude in those situations, even though Dad and I have taught you these skills. We thought for a long time it was just an effect of COVID and missing out on the preschool experience and other social times, but it just wasn't improving. You have a hard time smiling, making eye contact, or speaking respectfully to others. For instance, we saw your Sunday School teacher, Ms. Sarah, at Damon's consecration this year, and you looked at your feet and said "Hi" in the most annoyed voice. When I told you to look at her and say hello, you said within her ear shot, "I don't want to. I don't want to see her. I don't like being around her." Another time, when we had guests over for Sukkot, Rabbi Kasten was introducing herself to you. She asked your name, and you said, "I'm not telling you." Later in the night, you were super loud and using inappropriate language with your brothers. It was quite embarrassing. Your behaviors can be very unexpected and inappropriate, so we had an evaluation done. While you are within normal limits, your responses and scores showed that you are on the lower side of normal in certain areas, and the therapist thought it might help to start some lessons/sessions. So, you've had about 3 lessons so far, and even knowing the vocabulary to help you has made a difference for us knowing how to better support you in new social situations or to explain why your outbursts or behaviors are inappropriate.
  
• ADHD doesn't help your impulsive responses. You started taking medications back in March last year, and once we got those figured out, you became much calmer during the day. (Once they wear off, that's another story!) 
• Your teachers describe you as attentive and a good listener, so that's a great thing! Ms. Morris adored you in her class, and Miss Caccavale seems to have only great things to say about you. Miss C, in our mid-year conference last week, said you participate well, contribute well to the class, and always have what you need to do assignments. She even said you are quiet at school until about lunch or recess when your personality starts to show up and that you crack her up. 
• Academically, you are above the curve. You're reading at a level H right now (the goal is E mid-year), and your MAP scores are stellar. I wish you would take more time to write more legibly, but we're working on that. You're finally interested in math now, and you will go around asking us or Alexa what the answer is to a random math equation. You do enjoy reading - but not as much as your big brothers did at this age. You loved the Ready, Freddy books earlier this year, and now you're into reading about gaming - your all time favorite thing to do.
• You just qualified for PACE, and you are loving it and Ms. Swearingen. We may have bribed you to actually take the tests seriously this year (compared to last year when it was reported to us that you didn't take any pride in your work, saying "I don't even want to take this test!" to Ms. S), and you didn't really want to take the tests this year, but now you are so glad you did it and got in. You love the games, puzzles, and activities you are doing with Ms. S and the other kids in PACE. Your brothers were super excited you got in, and you were so excited to tell them! Banner even said, "Welcome to the club!"
• A few things that make you so super happy: screens (Switch and iPad), pretzels and muffins, sleeping in my bed, Tova, Damon, Cheeky Monkey's, Nerdvana, chocolate ice cream, Sprite, drawing, riding your scooter or bike, staying up late, Starburst...
• Things that make you super unhappy: trying new foods (although very recently you've gotten better at this - trying Taco Bueno tacos, McDonald's cheeseburgers for instance), being frustrated by a video game, having to go to Sunday School (specifically after care while Banner and Quinn are at Hebrew school), when it's time to get off a screen
• STATS
• Height: 46.5 inches = 25th percentile
• Weight: 46.6 pounds = 25th percentile
• BMI: 15 = 35th percentile
• We celebrated your birthday at Altitude again this year. You had so many buddies join you to celebrate at your Fortnite-themed party. You designed the cake (although the bakery got the flavor wrong - strawberry instead of chocolate). We had donuts on your actual birthday, of course. And, the night before you turned 7, we read your "I Believe," a favorite tradition I love that you and your brothers love.

Knox Morgan, you are a force to be reckoned with on all levels. When you're mad or angry, you fire off screaming and hitting and yelling and pouting. When you're excited, you're happy screams are piercing and unexpected. When you want something, you're super sweet and charming. Your emotions are loud and strong. We are working on controlling these a little better, but you are unapologetically you. You know what you want, you go for it, and you don't let anything or anyone stop you. In the past few weeks, really ever since we got home from Disney with the whole family last month, you've seemed more mature and grown up. I am enjoying watching you change into a big kid, but it's still really hard for me to believe you're as old as you are. In my mind, you're still tiny (physically, you really are.. there was a while where you weren't growing, and at a med check, Dr. B had to get onto you about eating more), and in my heart you are still my baby. But I can't wait to watch what 7 brings and what changes await as you have discovered how much you love to learn and challenge yourself, as you voice your discomfort in social situations but learn to overcome it, as you are more aware of the feelings of others, and as you try different things - like going to Greene this summer for the first time or trying new foods and activities! 

I wish you the very happiest year ahead! 

I love you so much, Baby Love!
Happy Birthday!
Love,

Mom

Last sleep as a 6-year-old (and you wanted to sleep in Quinn's bed)

Dad was the Watch D.O.G.S. at school on your birthday!

Grandma surprised us at Chuck E. Cheese's where we went for dinner on your actual birthday.

First sleep as a 7-year-old! This is your new bed - only a week old.

With Asher E.

Issac V, Tevin P., you, Elliott B., and Ayansh J.

Cousins!!

We LOVE you!! Happy Birthday, Baby!