Deliberate Parenting

Nearly one year ago, I made a decision to focus (almost) solely on parenting. I left my career as a school counselor to devote more time and attention to the three little humans I brought into this world, and it has been absolutely amazing. The year has flown by in a flash, and I'm really enjoying it. BUT, it's a fucking full time job, and it makes me wonder how I ever managed to get it all done before! Yes, I'm more relaxed and have more time to devote to it now, but it's not a breeze, and it's not eating BonBons on the couch all day! Man, this is a hard job. Hardest I've ever had. I know it's cliché, but it's so very true. We as moms have NO idea what we're doing, but each day we get up and wing it yet again hoping we don't screw it up too much. We're going to have regrets. We're going to get it wrong. We're going to feel guilty and angry and frustrated. But, I've learned we are not alone. You're never the only parent who feels a certain way or thinks a certain way. We are all much more alike than not, and we can all learn from each other. 

In 12 years as a mom, I've learned to trust my gut. I've learned to start again when something isn't working. I've learned to go with the flow, and that my kids really will be okay. I've learned to take their lead sometimes. I've learned to step back, to let it go, or to just wait it out when I need to. If I add up the ages of my kids right now, I've had a collective 28 years of experiencing parenting children with different strengths, challenges, motivations, demands, and personalities. When we think of it like this, it's really unbelievable all the things we moms accomplish while juggling our own relationships, jobs, responsibilities, and well-being! 

When our kids are little, the physical part of parenting is the most challenging. Changing diapers, carrying kids on our hips, chasing toddlers before they get into something they shouldn't, tying their shoes (okay, I'm still doing that a little!), wiping bottoms, literally bathing their little bodies, cleaning up their toys and their spills (okay, still doing that a little, too!), lifting them up to reach something, getting them dressed, literally feeding them, buckling them into their carseats, strapping them into the stroller... these are physically demanding tasks. You're up and down in the middle of the night; you might be breastfeeding or pumping or mixing formula only to have to wash bottles and nipples and pump parts all over again. You're mashing food and "airplaning" spoons into unwilling mouths. You need both your hands and more to get all the things done! 

Then, all of a sudden, the emotional and mental challenges take over: helping them navigate a crush or a breakup, teaching them to take responsibility for their actions, instilling a work ethic, encouraging creativity, helping them to organize their belongings, teaching them about money management, introducing them to the evils of humanity, trying to help them be their own person while hoping they fit in, helping them learn to balance their time.... the list goes on and on and on. I'm bargaining with the first grader to rewrite his sloppy work, cuddling and calming an anxious third grader, or negotiating with a greedy 6th grader who wants to spend hundreds of dollars on name brand shoes. The amount of energy and mental gymnastics it takes to raise happy, healthy, kind, smart, safe little beings can feel overwhelming. I often feel like I'm beating my head against the wall or that talking to that wall would be more productive than getting my kids to listen to me. So, I did. I quit my job to dedicate more time to focusing on helping my family focus on these little things that make up the big picture. But, how in the world do we manage to teach them all the things!?

My goals for my new position as a "staty-at-home-mom" were to make life more manageable. To come up with some positive changes in our household and in our child-rearing that would feel less chaotic, more structured, more intentional.  I wanted there to be reasons why we do what we do or why we expect certain things from our kids. This is deliberate parenting. Deliberate parenting is thinking through our parenting decisions, creating traditions and routines that focus on our core values as a family, and being mindful of the approach we take when meeting the demands of raising kids.

Years ago, I came across Shawni Pothier's blog: 71 Toes. I followed her family and her ideas on parenting. Her parents, Richard & Linda Eyre, are parenting experts who have written some books I've read as well. Shawni and her 3 sisters have started a podcast called In the Arena with the Eyre Sisters, and I absolutely LOVE the ideas they give on various areas of parenting. I literally take notes to help me remember all the ideas they have about parenting, and many of them have become the norms in our house now. I wanted to write a few of them out to share with others who might find them helpful.

We started a discussion about changing the way our family system runs with a Family Survey I gave to my boys several months ago. It was a Google Form I created, and they each gave me feedback on various questions I posed to them. A week later, after Sam and I had time to plan our next steps, we discussed the results as a family. I was pleased to learn that each boy really likes our family and feels grateful to be a part of it. They each had some different desires and motivations, but overall, their responses aligned, and they were ready for a change. With my Nearpod expertise from guidance lessons (haha!), I created a "lesson" to teach the kids about the new plan, our new Family Economy. 

First, we came up with 5 laws to follow. We agreed to them and decided what would happen if someone broke one of our house laws. Then, we introduced the kids to the new "slips" we would use at the end of every day to evaluate their "jobs" each day. (We ordered little business cards with the information on it, so it's fast and easy every night.) Then, we explained how they would earn money at the end of the week for their work. Basically, they have four jobs to do each day: 

1. Be ready to leave the house on time
2. Complete 2 jobs - happily, quickly, and well
3. Clean their "zone" - happily, quickly, and well
4. Be ready for bed and the next day

For each of these items, they receive 25 cents (adding up to $1 a day if all is complete). If they do each job every day for a week AND they don't break any laws all week, they have a chance to get their money DOUBLED. So, they can earn up to $14 a week! From there, they can spend 70% of that money, while 20% goes to savings and 10% goes to "giving." In addition, they may not touch their savings until the end of each quarter. If they continue to save, they earn 5% interest. It sounds complicated, but it's really not. The spreadsheet we use helps them see how they are earning quite a bit if they make good choices and contribute to our household in a positive way. (They are expected to do the jobs each day, but they only get paid for it if they do it "happily, quickly, and well.") 

I have to say the laws, the economy, the jobs, the responsibilities they've taken on - it's all been so helpful and quite life-changing for me. I know I'm going to have help with daily/weekly tasks, and I know I'm teaching my kids how to do so many things around the house. Their jobs range from taking out the recycling to scooping up dog poop to sweeping the garage to checking mail to organizing cubbies... We've recently added in "Dinner Helper" and "Floor/Wall Inspector." The boys have found which jobs they like and which ones they don't. We've tweaked it to fit our weekly needs a couple times, and we get it closer and closer to being perfect! For instance, we added in that they lose 10 cents every time they forget to turn off their bathroom or bedroom light or forget to flush a toilet! That has helped immensely! The family laws have also been so helpful in decreasing fights, using a common language about what we need from each other, and getting us on the same team again. 

Some other things we've changed this year: 

• We've added in "Co-Sleep Sunday" once a month. Our kids are always asking us to sleep in their beds or to sleep in our bed. So, once a month, we give in. The last Sunday of each month, we have a rotating plan for who sleeps where.
• No Rules Night - we're adding this tradition in a couple times a year. There are two exceptions to the "no rules:" we have to be safe, and we can't disturb other people. 
• We have always stood by the motto "don't let school get in the way of a good education," but as our kids get older, we really want to focus on experiences, traveling, sightseeing, and learning from the world around us. While missing school can be really stressful, we've learned to look at the big picture and not worry so much if the kids have some unexcused absences. 
• Every now and then at dinner, we have speech night. Each person is given one minute to give an impromptu speech about a random topic we select for them. Knox is surprisingly very good at this, and Banner absolutely hates it. It's also amazing to see how good they are at knowing how long one minute is and how they come up with an opening and a closing statement on the fly!
• We decided we really liked the Family Survey so we do those every couple months now. The kids like to give their feedback about how things are going for them. I usually include some safety questions (what's our address, who can you go to for help, what would you do if....), and I always include the questions "What do you need Mom to know?" and "What do you need Dad to know?" I also like the "I need my brothers to know..." stem. I want their input about where they like to go, what goals they have for themselves, and what's important to them. 

As a busy mom, I was always feeling overwhelmed and frustrated about what my kids weren't doing to help or pitch in where they could. I was feeling stressed by the mental load of being the "default parent." We moms take on so much, and telling others what we need can often be yet another burden. Our kids and our partners don't always know what we want or how we want it done, so we end up doing it ourselves. We get the birthday party gifts, we know what we need from the store, we schedule the dentist appointments and haircuts, we take the dog to the vet, we plan the party, we sign up for soccer snacks, we remember to enroll them for camps, we read the teacher emails, we sign the permission forms, we remember library day, we organize the carpool, we know when to call for a prescription refill ... and I'm often so sick of it. But, this year has given me the time and space to ask for what I need to make our home a more peaceful, well-oiled machine while teaching my kids so many wonderful things about being a contributing citizen to our family and to the world.  I've been able to see the bigger picture, to clear the clutter physically and mentally so I can focus on being a better parent. My mental load is lighter, my creativity can flourish, and I have more time to devote to actually being in the moment with my kids. I know we're fortunate that we could even think about this choice as a family and that it's quite rare to have this option. I am incredibly grateful for this year of growth to focus on what really matters, to focus on what I can control in this chaotic world, and to help my own kids by being a deliberate parent.