Another Great Read

Got this post from my friend earlier today, and I have to say I love the honesty behind it. I don't think I'd ever call my child a bad name like the woman does in one of the stories here, but I do like her sense of humor. Read on....
Thanks, Gretch!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46942778/ns/today-books/t/confessions-scary-mommy-honest-look-motherhood/#.T4cGUtnheLI

A Little Girl I Don't Even Know

Skimming through the newsfeed on my Facebook account yesterday, I saw a post that my friend from college posted about a family she knows in Houston. This was her post: "Please lift my friend Mike and his family up in prayer as they cope with the heartbreaking news of their precious baby girl's recently diagnosed incurable genetic disease... and please help spread awareness about SMA. "I followed a link my friend had posted underneath these words which led me to Avery's Bucket List, a blog that explains more about 5-month-old Avery, her diagnosis, and her amazing Bucket List of things she wants to accomplish. As "she" writes on her blog, "I have a lot of living to do in just a little bit of time and I'm going to need all of the help I can get from my parents and anyone else who wants to help." Her parents are reaching out to anyone and everyone for awareness about SMA as well as how to help Avery accomplish this remarkable list of activities before she dies. Other children with her diagnosis have a life expectancy of less than two years. I cannot imagine receiving such awful news. 

My heart hurts for Avery and her family. This is so unfair that a tiny, innocent baby has to go through this tragic disease. Yet, I am in awe of Avery's ambitions to live her life to the fullest by creating a Bucket List of amazing things to do in the time she does have here on Earth with her family and friends.

I added Avery's Bucket List to my blog friends list (on the right-hand side of the page). At first I felt badly "stalking" her blog posts like I was simply an onlooker who couldn't really do anything to help her. But, I also didn't want to just forget about her and thank God this wasn't happening to me/us/Banner. That felt so cold, and honestly, I couldn't get her off my mind! 

One of the Bucket List items is to help spread the word about SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy), and this is where I felt I could help Avery and all the other kids with SMA. In fact, here is part of her Bucket List:

• Go viral on the internet - I know I'm not singing a song, doing anything funny, saying something politically  incorrect, or anything like that, but it would be nice if my story went viral so that SMA has a face.
• Be an inspiration to others  and then continue to be an inspiration to others
• Teach the world about SMA
  
• Help find a cure for SMA so kids like me can use their muscles to walk, talk, hug their loved ones, and live a long lasting healthy life

So, I'm hoping this little bit on my blog will help sweet Avery in her fight and help make her short life be a BIG life! I am motivated by Avery's parents for making every.single.day count for so much! Little Avery has big dreams for her life, and she's already doing so many amazing things for a 5-month old. I don't want Banner's life to be just waiting until he's big enough to do all these fun things... we should be doing them NOW. There's no time to waste, and Avery's blog and her story inspired me to not just wait until Banner is older to show, teach, explore! Avery IS an inspiration, and so are her parents and grandparents. Her story makes me think bigger and stop sweating the small stuff like when Banner won't nap longer, may be off schedule, or wakes me in the middle of the night. For goodness sake, I have a healthy kid who is so curious and alert; he's strong and healthy, and for all of these things I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative every minute of every day!

I'll be following Avery's amazing journeys each day as well as her journey in life. I hope you will join me, and if there's anything you can do to help her, please do. Praying for you, sweet Avery, a little girl I don't even know. You are such an inspiration.

(Here's another Mommy's blog about Avery's story.) 

Top 10!!

Dear Banner,

Today, you are 10 months old! You are more "boy" than "baby," but to me you will always remain my little angel baby, and I want to ring in your 10 months of life outside the womb with a list of 10 awesome things about you at this age. So here goes:

1. You have four front teeth: two on bottom and two on top. You may even be cutting some upper side teeth pretty soon! You have curly hair that grows so fast; Daddy won't let me cut it until after your first birthday. While I think you could use a trim, I am loving your little locks! Your eyes are still very blue. And, when you smile, you and your deep dimples light up the room!

2. You are in love with your daddy. You much prefer him right now, and that's okay with me! I've had my turn before, and I know my turn will come back around, but I love watching your excitement when you see Daddy first thing in the morning or when he gets home from work. You say "Dada" or "Da" much more than you do "Mama" or "Ma," but as long as you're working on that "M" sound, I'm fine with that!

3. Speaking of "Da" you seem to know what you are talking about. You say "Daw" for Theo, Aunt Kira and Uncle Erick's doggy, and you say "Da" for Daddy. At least it seems that way.... You say "Ma" more often when I'm around, too.

4. You LOVE your grandma! Your days with her are fun for you, and you never cry or complain when I leave you there each work day. I'm so glad you are happy where you are, and I am positive this is the best thing for you. She is teaching you so much, and you are developing a bond with her that I sometimes get jealous of (like when you want her after you fall or hurt yourself even after I've arrived back from work). I understand, though, she's a great lady, and she's so good at being a mommy and a grandma! I often feel like Grandma is my safety net, making sure you're getting everything you need that I forget or am not good at. You and I are both blessed to have her in our lives!

5. You are getting over the baby food we keep offering. You love finger foods more than anything, but you don't know when to stop shoveling it in your mouth! You hoard it in your mouth and forget to chew or swallow, and it terrifies me that you're going to choke, but you seem to know what you're doing - most of the time. I continue to offer you only one or two pieces of something at a time, but you hide that food so well, all of a sudden, there's bits and pieces of food just hanging out in your mouth! Regardless of the shoveling, you are an amazing eater. You seem to like most foods. So, what are you eating these days? Well, we introduced beef, chicken, turkey, and beef hotdog as well as cantaloupe, honeydew, and oranges. You don't like the pureed version of meats, so I try to cook what I can for you. You love meatballs, teriyaki chicken, and Grandma's crunchy chicken so far. Carbs are still your favorites, though: crackers, bagels, pasta, graham crackers, Cheerios, tortilla, etc. You are certainly our child!

6. You are standing up all by yourself these days. You are an expert cruiser - walking your way around furniture, the walls, people's legs... you just want so badly to get around on your own and are doing everything you know to do to get where you want to go! This hasn't changed since last month, but the standing is new. Especially when you have something in your hands to distract you from your standing abilities, you stand even longer. Once you realize you're standing, you want the safety of a hand or table, or you slowly lower yourself to the floor. You've taken a few steps on your own, but this doesn't happen enough for me to say you've officially taken your "first steps." Yes, your Mama is hard on you - I'm not going to say it until it's repetitively true, so keep trying, Sweet Angel. Those first mastered steps are within your reach if you will just believe in yourself, trust yourself, and go for it! You totally have the ability, the strength, and the coordination, just build that courage and you'll be off with me right behind you! (Or at least trying to keep up with you!)

7. When we cheer for you, clap, or say "Yay!!!" you light up and say, "EEEEHHHH" or "AAAYYY" forcefully, like you're trying to join us in the excitement! It's your way of saying, "Yay!" with us. Daddy and I first noticed this a couple weeks ago when playing with the shape sorter tool kit that Zaide got you for Hanukkah. You are especially interested in it these days, and when Mommy helps you find the right shapes, and then you push the shape through, we clap and cheer. You started joining Mommy with your "yay" one day, and when you did it again while Daddy was there, we were certain you were celebrating with us. Now you do it all the time, and it's a fun little way for us to know you are communicating back with us, that you are understanding our excitement, and that you want to participate! I love this!

8. You love a good game of chase! Again, this hasn't changed much since last month, but you love anything that creates suspense and a "sneaking-up-on-you!" What HAS changed is that you initiate it sometimes. You'll start crawling away from us, and you look back at us (usually Daddy), as if to say, "Well, aren't you gonna come get me!?!"

9. Speaking of that look, you are getting so communicative these days. Pointing, reaching, looking at what you want with intent, vocalizations... it's our window into your thoughts, and I just want to say THANK YOU! I'm desperate to know what you are thinking, and I've been craving getting to know what you want, what you're thinking about, what you like since before you were born. Thank God you are starting to give us more information! Mommy doesn't do well with the unknowns, so the better you can get at this nonverbal communication, the better off we will all be! So far, you're getting to be a champ at it! We're still signing to you, but I know we should be doing it more often. We're pairing words with signs for "more," "finished," "eat," "water," and a few other things, but soon I hope to add in more now that you seem to be "getting it."

10. Oh, I hope I'm not about to jinx anything as I write out the next few sentences. Typically, I boast about what a great sleeper you are, and then, BAM! you stop sleeping! So, here goes nothing....(why do I feel the need to pray right before I type these words out??): You are such a great self-soother. No more tears at nap time or bed time, and that's been true for a long time. You are great at putting yourself to sleep and (most the time) back to sleep. There are some awful nights every now and then, and when those nights hit, it's truly awful. It's like you just want to play and have no interest in sleeping, but if Daddy and I just let you try to work it out and leave you in bed, you cry and get really ticked off. But, those nights are (God hear my prayer!) so rare. Naps are leaps and bounds easier than ever before, and I don't dread them the way I used to when you were younger. I just read your sleep cues and start our nap routine, and you gracefully (and sometimes gratefully) put yourself to bed. While I miss rocking you to sleep and just cradling you in my arms, I love that you are so self-sufficient! Last night, though, when Daddy had to work late and it was just you and me for the bedtime routine, you let me rock you a bit (you do seem to be becoming a little more cuddly in those first and last moments of your awake time). We stared at each other and, yes, because I am your Mommy and because I loved that moment so much, I cried. Your eyes got heavy, and you reached for your crib after gazing at me with intermittent long, heavy blinks. Then, I slowly put you in your bed, and you slept your typical 11-12 hours! Thank you for sleeping; thank you for that moment!

Banner Boone, you light up my life in so many ways! I kissed your little hand tonight after saying my usual "Goodnight" messages to you. I closed my eyes, and I felt your tiny fingers in mine. I kept your hand at my lips for a few seconds, trying so hard to memorize how your soft, tender skin felt against my kiss. I miss you already, but I can't wait to know you more! Such a weird feeling to be so nostalgic for the past but so excited and unable to wait for the future. I constantly feel guilty that we do not spend enough time together, and I even get annoyed at myself for having to run errands or do chores when you are with me and awake. I want more time with you. There is never enough time! I love the times we just get to sit and play together, when I get down on your level and can look you straight in the eye and connect with you. I love when we can just look at each other and love each other. Oh, my little doodlebug, I hope you know how much Daddy and I love you. I hope you can feel that.  Thank you for bearing with me these past 10 months as I figure out what the hell I'm doing. Every day I hope I'm doing it right, and every day I hope you don't blame me if I'm not. You deserve the best mommy, so I'm really trying to give you everything I know to give! You are an amazing little boy. Just keep on being you, my son. I love you so much! Happy 10 months!

Love,
Mommy

The Bitch Next Door

Disclaimer: Poor language, bad attitude, and violent ideation below. For mature, understanding readers only.

Why is it that the only time this damn neighborhood is loud is when my baby is trying to sleep? I mean the ONLY time! Does the whole neighborhood have access to the video monitor feed and can, therefore, tell when Banner is about to nap or to go to sleep for the night? It's like they know and then decide, "Hey, now's a great time to start my lawn mower, or cut down trees." All of these noises are way too loud, louder since Banner was born, louder when he's napping, and only happening when he's sleeping! Doorbells, helicopters, children screaming outside, car motors, horns, car alarms, the ice cream truck, airplanes, sirens, and all kinds of lawn appliances.... they've all gotten louder, right? Worse than any of these damn noises and disturbances is the damn bitch next door. Yes, Sam and I cannot stand the woman who lives next door to us - her 3 pre-teen boys are loud, her boyfriend drives a motorcycle that he loves to rev up (yes, only when Banner is sleeping), her pool/spa makes unusually loud noises, and her children throw any random item over our fence throughout the week. However, the bitch I'm referring to is truly the dog in her backyard. This dog barks at any hour of the day and night for extended periods of time without any consequence. No one lets her inside, no one tells her to be quiet, and she continues to disturb my household.

I found a movie-maker website (xtranormal.com) to use with my students at work. Before I used it for instructional purposes, I had a little fun with it while I was exploring all the tools I could use. When it came to adding dialogue, I had even more fun with this website. I created a video for Tracy, the owner of the house next door. Oh, Tracy! If only you could see my video, read my blog, or even speak to me when you see me... I would let you have a piece of my mind. I wish I had the nerve to publish this video and send it to her, or at least print out this blog post and leave it on her doorstep! Here's what I wrote for the dialogue in the video I was just goofing off with:

"Hi Tracy. My name is Amber. I am your next door neighbor. I wanted to have a little chat with you. Ever since you bought that damn dog, my family cannot sleep. I absolutely cannot stand her incessant barking every f*c**** day and every f*c**** night. I have an infant child who tries to nap during the day, but your God-forsaken dog keeps him up each day. At night, she barks so loudly, that I cannot fall asleep. And, first thing in the morning, your dog wakes us all up. Please let her in your house to bark the minute you hear her bark - because she is waking the whole damn neighborhood. If you do not do this, I will call the police and file a complaint against you. If you continue to ignore my requests, I will shoot your dog with a bee bee gun. If that doesn't work, you may come home to find your dog missing, as I may cut a whole in your fence to help her escape before I shoot her dead. Thank you for your time, you worthless piece of ___."

Okay, so I was angry when I wrote it. And, just so you know, I don't have any real plans to hurt the dog or help it to escape, but I can dream, right? You have to understand that this woman and her three children moved in right before Sam and I got engaged. We were so welcoming to her; we brought her fresh cookies and brownies, we introduced ourselves, and Sam has even offered to help her in the yard a couple times early on.  She has never been nice to us, leaves her garbage can in the middle of the alley, allows all of the above-mentioned behaviors of her children, and she never acknowledges us when we are outside in the front yard. She's a bitch, just like her damn dog. Oh, and did I mention that she got the dog right after Banner was born? It's like she knew that was the one thing she could do to keep pissing us off. Get a dog that barks all night so that the very few hours we could TRY to sleep when Banner was not awake, we couldn't.  And, don't get me wrong, I actually really like dogs. (No, I never want to be a dog owner, but I do love dogs! Yes, Brittney, I said I love dogs!) This is the reason I would never really harm the dog, but I cannot stand bad dog owners who don't work with the dog to stay quieter for the whole neighborhood's sake.

Honestly, Banner sleeps through a lot of this noise that, in my opinion, never existed before he was born! And, all of these noises are like 1,000 times louder when he is asleep. I know it's really my problem. I'm worried it will wake him so I can't relax, when he really does just fine. But, when that dog barks at 3:00am, and it wakes me up, I don't care if Banner is awake or not, I am so ready to walk over to Tracy and give her a piece of my mind. Maybe one day I'll have the nerve to walk around outside when Banner has one of those awful crying nights - maybe, just maybe, I'll sit on her front porch just holding my crying baby. Then, she'll get a taste of her own medicine when she wonders what is going on with that loud, crying baby and (what she will refer to as) "the bitch next door!"

(If you like this topic, read more about Heather's perspective when her 1st daughter was a baby.)

Forever is an Instant

This past summer, my mom and step-dad did some house renovations. Beforehand, though, they asked my brother, my sister, and me to go through our old closets and sort through lots of old things to help clean and clear out. I found lots of random memorabilia from my childhood like cards from my Bat Mitzvah, old letters from past boyfriend, photos, letters I sent my mom from summer camp that she had saved, caricature drawings from parties, old jewelry, evaluations from student teaching, recipes I'd made in 8th grade Home Ec, a plastic hall pass I had stolen saved from junior high, and lots of fun stuff from my youth group (BBYO) days. In addition to all of these old treasures, I came across a poem I had written for Sam when I was a freshman in college. After losing Sam's mom a few months ago, and after my friend lost her husband last week, I'm reminded of the words in this poem. I love how much I still mean every word of it over 14 years later.

For Sam and Banner, and so many other amazing people in my life....

Forever is an Instant

By: Amber (me!)

Forever is an instant, it's just not long enough.

Tomorrow may mean never, 'cause today could be too tough.

Yesterday is gone, nothing but a dream

Never be touched again, never to be seen.

Forever is an instant I want to share with you.

It will fly by way too fast, but no one else will do.

Let's treasure every moment, in your memory make it last;

Keep it safe and sacred with the nonexistent past.

Forever is an instant, it ends with just one blink.

It's here one day, and gone the next, faster than you think.

Time is so very precious - eternity does end.

So grasp every second before it's stolen to the wind.

Forever is an instant, it's just not long enough,

especially when you've found the one you know you'll always love.

Cherish every breath you take... God knows how much I do;

To hear your beating heart is a miracle times two.

Forever is an instant, believe it 'cause it's true.

I'd like to take this forever to say that I love you.

Thank God for Playdates

Honestly, I started this post about a week and a half ago. I began writing about the joy of play dates shortly after my friend, L, hosted a St. Patrick's Day "Get Lucky!" play date for several moms and babies. My little "group" has hosted play dates for our kids since Banner was maybe 2 months old?, and it's been really great. This is what I had started last week:

"I really could end this blog post with only the title words... "Thank God for Playdates!" and that would sum up my feelings without much more detail and elaboration. But, for the fun of it, I'm going to explain how much I love, enjoy, cherish, and need these special times with other parents. Of course the main purpose of having a play date to begin with is simply for our young children to have social time with other kids their age. But, let's be really stinkin' honest and just recognize that the play dates we moms organize when our kids are infants are really for our own social time. I love that Banner is getting to be around other kids, and these times provide opportunities for him that are new, different, and fun - and I love watching him explore, interact, play in these different situations. He gets to experience new toys, new people, new environments, etc. But, I love my friends, the friendships I'm developing and reinventing, and the ideas and information I get when at these dates. Again, as I've written in previous posts, the happier I am, the happier Banner is!"

But then, something beyond awful happened. And, I am thankful for play dates in a whole new way. Yes, they are good for Banner. Yes, they are good for me. But, most importantly, they are amazing for building a bond between us moms that I could never explain to anyone else. At these play dates, we talk about our kids, our routines, our problems and solutions, and our great ideas for many different things for our kids. But, we also talk about our relationships with our husbands, our in-laws, our extended family. We become connected to each other and identify with each other on a level that I could never have imagined. These women are amazing, and because of their willingness to be honest and open, they are helping to create strong bonds of support and understanding with/for each other.

We've attended baby namings together, we've welcomed new moms to our group to help with those early rough times, we've counseled each other, and now we've mourned with each other. These play dates are creating life long bonds for us - and hopefully for our children - to know we can lean on each other in hard times and in great times. I will celebrate with these women, and I will cry with them. I will watch their children grow and learn, and I will hold their hands when hard times hit.

After tragedy hit one of  my "play date" friends, I was reminded that the honesty, acceptance, understanding, and genuine compassion we have for each other is alive and strong. My friend told me on the day of her husband's funeral that he appreciated us because anyone who was important to her was important to him. Her husband knew, just like my husband knows, that these play dates and the people I have met and "fallen in love with" during them are so important to helping us maintain our sanity in this big learning curve of a life change.  Now, more than ever, we will pull together to support my friend and her daughter. Our play dates will become even more important - for both her and her daughter. So, in thinking about all the joys Banner and I have gotten out of these play dates and the strong bonds we are all forming, I say even more so now than before, Thank God for Play Dates!

Motherhood and Feminism

In honor of International Women's Day (which was actually earlier this month), I'd like to write about a topic that recently came to my attention via the Ms. Magazine blog. The title of the post is "The Future of Feminism: Not Your Ordinary Mother’s Blog," and I was kind of shocked when I read it. The article discusses Mommy Bloggers and how women are blogging about their experiences with motherhood from a feminist perspective. It seems from the article that Mommy Bloggers being feminists would be a shock, and even one comment after the article says, "I find this refreshing because we almost never connect feminism with the joys of motherhood." So, why was I shocked? Well, to me, it's so obvious that a person could be both a feminist and a mother, and those two, for me, are deeply tied to each other. In fact, so much of what I've written about speaks to being a feminist mom. 

Let's make this a little clearer. What is a feminist? The definition of "feminism" (as defined by Merriam-Webster) is: "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes". And, I happen to like Dictionary.com's definition even better: "advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men." So, the way I look at it, a feminist is simply someone (man or woman) who wants all women and men to be equal, to have the same rights, and to be treated with equal respect. Feminism is just as much a men's issue as it is a women's issue. 

The next question is: how is feminism connected to motherhood? Well, I think a better question is how is it NOT connected? A woman writing about her feelings as a mom opens up so many topics that are at the heart of feminism: stay-at-home vs. working, breastfeeding or not, how responsibilities are divided between parents, raising feminist children, avoiding gender stereotyping with your kids, etc. 

Now, while my initial reaction was one of confusion and concern that Mommy Bloggers and feminism seemed unconnected to each other, I also had a very positive reaction to this article. I love that women (and men) are blogging about their experiences with parenting. I wish more people would be honest and open up about their experiences with their children, with their partners, with their families. Becoming a mom has brought up so many new concerns, new points-of-view, new fears and worries, new celebrations, new ideas for me, that it's impossible for me not to share those thoughts on my blog. Simply put, things are just different now, and my eyes are wide open! 


I've always been a feminist as long as I can remember. Graduate school proved it to me even more. And, now, as a mother, I'm even more in touch with my feminist perspectives. Leaving any of myself out of the equation when writing about Banner and my life with him in it goes against everything I believe in. I'm not about just writing about our lovely little life with the happiest baby on the block. I'm all about writing what the realities of our experiences are, how we truly feel about things, and being honest about how we got here. Being able to write about my experiences as a new mom makes me a happier mom, which makes Banner a happier baby, no doubt. We are all in this life together, and everything I do is for him now, but I certainly can't leave myself out in raising him well. So, I proudly support these "Mommy Bloggers," (and Daddy Bloggers, too!) who write about parenting from a feminist perspective. I'm happy to say I'm one of them!

For more on this topic, see this post, too.

80 weeks

Today, Banner turns 40 weeks old. Add 40 weeks (exactly) of pregnancy, and that makes Banner a complete 80 weeks old. In honor of that milestone, I want to report what the doctor told us at his appointment a couple days ago. First of all, we get to add meats to his diet now. (We're waiting on dairy still, not as an allergy precaution but as a means of not enticing him away from fruits and veggies in order to like cheese or yogurt more.... so this is more of a behavioral tactic than a medical one.) Banner also got two shots at his appointment: another polio shot and another Hep B shot (I still want to write a separate post about vaccines and my opinions on them... that will have to wait for now). And, he was given a hemoglobin test, which came back one-tenth of a point below normal, but the doctor wasn't worried (of course, I was and asked lots of questions.... and I later found out that overhydration can be a contributing factor to that, and since he had LOTS of water at his 9-month photo shoot earlier that morning, I'm going to make myself feel better and think that's all it was....). Anyway, we got our questions answered, Banner got a clean bill of health, and we got his new stats:

-Height: 27 3/4 inches = 35th percentile
-Weight: 21 pounds, 9.5 oz = 70th percentile
-Head: 46 cm = 75th percentile

The doctor is pretty sure the nurse mismeasured Banner's height, and he said we'll just get a new measurement at 12 months; he's not worried about that at all. I wish they had remeasured right then, but oh well. . . not worth the aggravation of asking Banner to cooperate over what could be a small error.

We were also told that Banner is developmentally scoring as a 10.5 month old. We were pleased with that. I'm not in any hurry for this kid to walk, although I'm sure walking will be more helpful. He's already into everything anyway, why not let that just be on two feet instead of all fours?!

I've gotten all this week to hang out with Banner on my own again since I'm on Spring Break. It's been so wonderful, such a treat, and I can feel that separation anxiety really emerging - and for Banner, too! - ha! I'm going to miss him so much when Monday rolls around and I'm back at work. He's such a pleasure to watch. The other day, I watched him interact with his Curious George stuffed animal. He gave numerous kisses on George's mouth in between trying to gouge his eyes out and nibble his feet. I am loving watching him look out windows while he babbles, blows bubbles, or makes raspberries. I love how he tags along with me in the kitchen and how curious he is about what we're doing, where we're going, the sounds he hears, etc. I love shopping with him now, too - which is WAY different than before. It's just so fun to watch him watch! And, feeding him new finger foods has been really exciting (yes, it's the little things in life!!). A few days ago I actually teared up when he was eating his bits of carrots, corn, peas, and green beans so well . . . I was so proud of him! (I know, I'm one of THOSE moms!)

So, anyway, wish me luck next week when Spring Break is officially over. Just 11 more weeks in the school year, which also means just about 12 more weeks until Banner is 1 year old - and that makes 80 weeks sound like nothing!

What's Up, DOC? (Or Not!)

Disclaimer: This post includes lots of wordy description. I'm sorry. I also wrote the word "head" a lot!

Like many C-section babies, Banner was born with the most beautiful, perfectly shaped, round head, and I loved it! But, a few weeks after that, I started worrying about it. Okay, I was worried about everything, but I was genuinely concerned about what was going on with his head. I kept noticing all these little bumps and odd curves to it. When I asked our pediatrician about a few things, he agreed with my brother (an OB/GYN) who said it's all normal, especially for a baby who was head-down throughout the pregnancy. Well, a few more weeks went by, and we had our 2-month check-up.  At that appointment, I pointed out that Banner's head shape was off. From a bird's-eye-view, you could see that the back of Banner's head was flatter on the right than the left. Sam and I did everything we could to reposition him to help with this, but his head stayed flat. (You can read more about this in the 2-month post.)

Fast-forward to Banner's 4-month check up, and Sam and I were still concerned about Banner's head. I didn't notice a change of any kind during those two months, and if anything, the whole back of his head just looked really flat. Our doctor agreed, so he prescribed a visit to Cranial Technologies, where we could get a consult about whether a helmet would benefit Banner. (They call their "helmets" DOC bands. They really don't cover the entire head like a bicycle helmet would. A DOC band allows the head to grow where it needs to. The open spaces allow head growth, and weekly visits with the orthotist allow frequent checks and redirecting of growth when they hollow out more of the band. Every band is unique to the child's needs.) Yes, this is what I worked so hard to avoid since Banner was only a few weeks old, and here we were being told we may need to put a helmet on our sweet boy's head. We had him evaluated for his plagiocephaly, a scary word no mother wants to hear, but it basically means oblique head, where one side of the head seems to be pushed forward, therefore causing misalignment of ears and/or facial asymmetry. In Banner's case, we really didn't notice anything with his forehead or face or ears, it was really just the back of his head. Here are some pictures that we got as part of his evaluation:

At the four-month check-up, we were told that Banner would benefit from the helmet. He would have to wear it 6-8 weeks for 23 hours a day, with the one hour off so he could bathe, and I could also clean the DOC Band. Because I wanted a second opinion, which Cranial Tech supported, we decided to wait. I quickly made an appointment with a craniofacial surgeon in our area who could see us the following week. The surgeon arranged for us to have X-Rays prior to our appointment with him so that he could see what was going on inside Banner's head. I'll spare you the details about our obnoxiously long wait at the hospital radiology center with our four-month old, but after a very long wait, Banner did GREAT with these X-Rays. Sam was with Banner for this round of X-Rays (I had been the one to have to hold him down at his 2-month check-up), so I got to sit with the technician and watch the images come up.

The surgeon confirmed that Banner's head was fine inside. He said Banner did not have craniosynostosis, which is where the sutures of the infant's skull fuse too early and can result an abnormal head shape. We had to make sure of this before deciding what to do about the helmet, because "helmeting" a child with craniosynostosis can make matters much worse! In addition to this great news, we also learned that this particular doctor recommended waiting until the child is 6-months old before helmeting. He said sometimes the head shape can correct on its own when the baby is sitting up more, crawling around more, and generally off the back of the head. So, we left his office with a new timeline. We decided to wait until Banner was 6 months before doing anything.

Of course, during that time, I was still freaking out daily. The longer you wait to helmet, the longer the child will have to be in the helmet, so every day that I waited meant more time for Banner to be uncomfortable in a helmet later on. This did not sit well with me, and I was just trying so hard to wait 2 months! TWO MONTHS - a really long time to wait for another answer that could tell us we SHOULD have done something EARLIER! I felt like every passing day was a missed opportunity.

But, lo and behold, time did pass, and it was finally time to get another consult at Cranail Tech right before Banner's 6-month check-up with the pediatrician. Here are the pictures from that evaluatoin:

And, just to help you compare... here's side by side changes of his head at 4 months (left) and 6 months (right):

My mom was the one to take him this time, and she called me at work to give me the scoop. Basically, the orthotist handling our case was overwhelmingly surprised at all the progress Banner had made. She said we (Sam and I) had been doing a great job with the exercises she had taught us at the 4-month evaluation. (HA! We couldn't stand doing them and never did really because Banner screamed through them. The manipulations were for kids with torticollis - yes, another word no mother wants to hear her baby has! Torticollis is when the baby has a stiff neck and cannot manipulate the neck to turn different directions or hold the head up properly. Banner did not have this... he could turn any direction he wanted, and he had no problem moving his neck, so we decided the exercises were not worth the aggravation.) But, anyway, she applauded our valiant efforts, so we accepted those kudos! :) What we DID do a great job of was being aware of the time he was spending in the bouncer, the swing, the car seat, etc. And, by 6 months, Banner was sleeping on his side and his belly, so he was off the back of his head for a long period of time. (That's part of the problem... Banner slept through the night from a very early age... 8-10 hours by the time he was 2 months old. And, the directives from the AAP say to have babies sleep on their backs, so he was on the back of his head for so many hours at a time at a very early age, and he tended to turn his head to the right no matter what we did to discourage that!)

So, back to the orthotist.... she told Mom that while she supported the idea that a helmet would make Banner's head better, she felt that it was really our choice and nothing we HAD to do. She said it would be cosmetic, not functional as we were once told at 4-months (that his head shape at that time would lead to jaw problems and facial asymmetry). Now that he was older, he would have to wear it 10-12 weeks for 23 hours a day. So, we consulted with our doctor, and he agreed it was a tough call. Banner's plagiocephaly was SO mild. Sam and I had said that if Banner were a girl, we probably wouldn't worry about it because her hair would cover any misshaped areas. Our doctor disagreed by saying, "If he were a girl, I'd definitely do it. A boy can get away with looking like a doofus." A doofus?? I don't want my baby looking like a doofus ever! EVER! And, with short hair, his misshaped head would stand out worse, so with that comment, I was back on a rampage to helmet him, especially because the doctor said at this point, his head would not get any better. Yet, we had heard that before at 4 months from the Cranial Tech therapists, so I was not convinced that it couldn't correct more on its own now.

To helmet or not to helmet, that was the question! Of every minute of my day! I'd ask people close to me what they thought. I remember going to a friend of mine at work and asking her opinion! We talked about it at play dates. I questioned my family about it every chance I could. Sam and I argued about it almost daily...he had adamantly decided there was no reason to spend over $3,000 on the DOC Band if it was cosmetic, but I adamantly worried that Banner would never forgive us if he lived his whole life with a misshaped head! I wanted so badly to just ask Banner what he wanted! I wished I could know his thoughts on the matter... I could hear him saying, "Mommy, please don't make me wear that thing! It'll be hard to sleep in. I won't be comfortable. My head will sweat. People will stare at me!" Then, I could hear him saying, "Please make my head perfect. Please don't make it easy for kids to pick on me in school. Give me that helmet so I won't look like a fool who can't get a date because I look like a freakin' doofus!"

Well, I decided to try not to let it bother me. HA! Well, I TRIED! But, I'd reevaluate his head at every bath, when I could wet his hair and eliminate the confusion that his wavy hair was causing. I still do. See, what ended up happening was, there were more days when I thought his head was fine than when I thought it was lopsided or flat, so I kept putting my decision off - still very much stressing out over this decision since once Banner turned a year old it was pretty much a done deal. (There's a small window of opportunity when the head is really malleable, so like I said earlier, with each passing day, we were losing that opportunity to correct Banner's head.) Well, here's what his head looks like now, at 9 months... (not the most professional shots, but certainly, you get the "picture!"):

Given these photos and the way his head was correcting already, I'm pretty sure we made the right decision by deciding NOT to DOC Band him. I certainly hope my kid doesn't look like a doofus, or at least that he doesn't look like a doofus because of something I failed to act on that could have made him undoofus-like. He's got a big head, just like his Daddy. His current head measurement puts him in the 75th percentile for head size, and that's just fine with me, as long as it's a round, nondoofus head! I'm always going to worry about this decision and whether it was the right thing - at least until I see his head when he's 15 or so with a buzz cut or something similar... only then will I know if we did the right thing. But, no matter what, I love that beautiful head - perfectly symmetrical or not - and I can't wait to learn more about what's happening INSIDE that head! I can't wait for him to talk to me, and maybe one day, he'll tell me what he would have wanted me to do. I can only hope he would agree with our decision because he SO doesn't look like a doofus!

Happy Birthday to MY Mommy!

Yesterday, my mother celebrated a big birthday. It's not up to me to disclose how old she is, but it was a milestone birthday, and we celebrated it in a pretty big way this year. My mom is the most amazing person I know. I admire her more than anyone could ever know, and I love that we got a chance to celebrate her and her extraordinary life on more than one occasion. She deserves so much more than that, though. My mom has been to hell and back a few times in her life, and she has always managed to bounce back with a beaming smile and a heart full of love and warmth. She's such a giving person, and I hope that we were able to show her some of that love back, even if it was a tiny morsel in comparison to her daily gifts.

In the card I gave to her yesterday, I wrote that since I've become a mother, I want to thank her and show her appreciation in a way I never could have before. I now know more about what she went through, and I have no idea how she raised us the way she did (most of the time) as a single mother. I thanked her for all the times I peed on her, pooped on her, spit-up on her, vomited on her, ruined her hair, her clothes, her make-up, her purse, invaded her personal space and time, pitted out her car, her house, ruined her favorite things, talked her ear off, made her late, kept her from sleeping, cried to her, and pretty much did anything that annoyed or frustrated her! And, not only did she let me do all of those things to her, but now she's letting MY baby do them to her, too! She watches Banner every weekday while I'm working, and he is doing all those same things to her, too.

My mom is a warrior. She's a survivor, a fighter, and a true example of inner and outer beauty. She stands for what she believes in, she loves with her whole heart, and she embraces her family unconditionally. She's a good friend, an amazing cook, and a wise teacher. I love her more every day, and I cannot imagine my life without her. After losing Sam's mom a few months ago, I know how lucky I am to have my mom in my life. I never take her for granted, and I cherish all the lessons she continues to teach me. I feel so blessed that Banner gets to learn from her, too, and I feel like she's the best gift I could ever give to him.

Mom, I love you so much! I hope you enjoyed your party, your birthday dinner, your surprises, your gifts, your slideshow video, and all the love that surrounded you on your special birthday. Here's to many, many more birthdays, but mostly, here's to YOU and you feeling the love that you so deserve!

For all those times you stood by me, 

for all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life, 

for all the wrong that you made right,

For every dream you made come true, 

for all the love I found in you, I'll be forever thankful!

You're the one who held me up, never let me fall. 

You're the one who saw me through, through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak, 

you were my voice when I couldn't speak,

 You were my eyes when I couldn't see, 

you saw the best there was in me,

 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, 

you gave me faith 'cause you believed

 I'm everything I am because you loved me.

 

You gave me wings and made me fly. 

You touched my hand, I could touch the sky.

 

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me. 

You said no star was out of reach.

You stood by me, and I stood tall. I had your love, I had it all.

I'm grateful for each day you gave me.

 

Maybe I don't know that much, but I know this much is true.

I was blessed because I was loved by you.