The Bitch Next Door

Disclaimer: Poor language, bad attitude, and violent ideation below. For mature, understanding readers only.

Why is it that the only time this damn neighborhood is loud is when my baby is trying to sleep? I mean the ONLY time! Does the whole neighborhood have access to the video monitor feed and can, therefore, tell when Banner is about to nap or to go to sleep for the night? It's like they know and then decide, "Hey, now's a great time to start my lawn mower, or cut down trees." All of these noises are way too loud, louder since Banner was born, louder when he's napping, and only happening when he's sleeping! Doorbells, helicopters, children screaming outside, car motors, horns, car alarms, the ice cream truck, airplanes, sirens, and all kinds of lawn appliances.... they've all gotten louder, right? Worse than any of these damn noises and disturbances is the damn bitch next door. Yes, Sam and I cannot stand the woman who lives next door to us - her 3 pre-teen boys are loud, her boyfriend drives a motorcycle that he loves to rev up (yes, only when Banner is sleeping), her pool/spa makes unusually loud noises, and her children throw any random item over our fence throughout the week. However, the bitch I'm referring to is truly the dog in her backyard. This dog barks at any hour of the day and night for extended periods of time without any consequence. No one lets her inside, no one tells her to be quiet, and she continues to disturb my household.

I found a movie-maker website (xtranormal.com) to use with my students at work. Before I used it for instructional purposes, I had a little fun with it while I was exploring all the tools I could use. When it came to adding dialogue, I had even more fun with this website. I created a video for Tracy, the owner of the house next door. Oh, Tracy! If only you could see my video, read my blog, or even speak to me when you see me... I would let you have a piece of my mind. I wish I had the nerve to publish this video and send it to her, or at least print out this blog post and leave it on her doorstep! Here's what I wrote for the dialogue in the video I was just goofing off with:

"Hi Tracy. My name is Amber. I am your next door neighbor. I wanted to have a little chat with you. Ever since you bought that damn dog, my family cannot sleep. I absolutely cannot stand her incessant barking every f*c**** day and every f*c**** night. I have an infant child who tries to nap during the day, but your God-forsaken dog keeps him up each day. At night, she barks so loudly, that I cannot fall asleep. And, first thing in the morning, your dog wakes us all up. Please let her in your house to bark the minute you hear her bark - because she is waking the whole damn neighborhood. If you do not do this, I will call the police and file a complaint against you. If you continue to ignore my requests, I will shoot your dog with a bee bee gun. If that doesn't work, you may come home to find your dog missing, as I may cut a whole in your fence to help her escape before I shoot her dead. Thank you for your time, you worthless piece of ___."

Okay, so I was angry when I wrote it. And, just so you know, I don't have any real plans to hurt the dog or help it to escape, but I can dream, right? You have to understand that this woman and her three children moved in right before Sam and I got engaged. We were so welcoming to her; we brought her fresh cookies and brownies, we introduced ourselves, and Sam has even offered to help her in the yard a couple times early on.  She has never been nice to us, leaves her garbage can in the middle of the alley, allows all of the above-mentioned behaviors of her children, and she never acknowledges us when we are outside in the front yard. She's a bitch, just like her damn dog. Oh, and did I mention that she got the dog right after Banner was born? It's like she knew that was the one thing she could do to keep pissing us off. Get a dog that barks all night so that the very few hours we could TRY to sleep when Banner was not awake, we couldn't.  And, don't get me wrong, I actually really like dogs. (No, I never want to be a dog owner, but I do love dogs! Yes, Brittney, I said I love dogs!) This is the reason I would never really harm the dog, but I cannot stand bad dog owners who don't work with the dog to stay quieter for the whole neighborhood's sake.

Honestly, Banner sleeps through a lot of this noise that, in my opinion, never existed before he was born! And, all of these noises are like 1,000 times louder when he is asleep. I know it's really my problem. I'm worried it will wake him so I can't relax, when he really does just fine. But, when that dog barks at 3:00am, and it wakes me up, I don't care if Banner is awake or not, I am so ready to walk over to Tracy and give her a piece of my mind. Maybe one day I'll have the nerve to walk around outside when Banner has one of those awful crying nights - maybe, just maybe, I'll sit on her front porch just holding my crying baby. Then, she'll get a taste of her own medicine when she wonders what is going on with that loud, crying baby and (what she will refer to as) "the bitch next door!"

(If you like this topic, read more about Heather's perspective when her 1st daughter was a baby.)

Forever is an Instant

This past summer, my mom and step-dad did some house renovations. Beforehand, though, they asked my brother, my sister, and me to go through our old closets and sort through lots of old things to help clean and clear out. I found lots of random memorabilia from my childhood like cards from my Bat Mitzvah, old letters from past boyfriend, photos, letters I sent my mom from summer camp that she had saved, caricature drawings from parties, old jewelry, evaluations from student teaching, recipes I'd made in 8th grade Home Ec, a plastic hall pass I had stolen saved from junior high, and lots of fun stuff from my youth group (BBYO) days. In addition to all of these old treasures, I came across a poem I had written for Sam when I was a freshman in college. After losing Sam's mom a few months ago, and after my friend lost her husband last week, I'm reminded of the words in this poem. I love how much I still mean every word of it over 14 years later.

For Sam and Banner, and so many other amazing people in my life....

Forever is an Instant

By: Amber (me!)

Forever is an instant, it's just not long enough.

Tomorrow may mean never, 'cause today could be too tough.

Yesterday is gone, nothing but a dream

Never be touched again, never to be seen.

Forever is an instant I want to share with you.

It will fly by way too fast, but no one else will do.

Let's treasure every moment, in your memory make it last;

Keep it safe and sacred with the nonexistent past.

Forever is an instant, it ends with just one blink.

It's here one day, and gone the next, faster than you think.

Time is so very precious - eternity does end.

So grasp every second before it's stolen to the wind.

Forever is an instant, it's just not long enough,

especially when you've found the one you know you'll always love.

Cherish every breath you take... God knows how much I do;

To hear your beating heart is a miracle times two.

Forever is an instant, believe it 'cause it's true.

I'd like to take this forever to say that I love you.

Thank God for Playdates

Honestly, I started this post about a week and a half ago. I began writing about the joy of play dates shortly after my friend, L, hosted a St. Patrick's Day "Get Lucky!" play date for several moms and babies. My little "group" has hosted play dates for our kids since Banner was maybe 2 months old?, and it's been really great. This is what I had started last week:

"I really could end this blog post with only the title words... "Thank God for Playdates!" and that would sum up my feelings without much more detail and elaboration. But, for the fun of it, I'm going to explain how much I love, enjoy, cherish, and need these special times with other parents. Of course the main purpose of having a play date to begin with is simply for our young children to have social time with other kids their age. But, let's be really stinkin' honest and just recognize that the play dates we moms organize when our kids are infants are really for our own social time. I love that Banner is getting to be around other kids, and these times provide opportunities for him that are new, different, and fun - and I love watching him explore, interact, play in these different situations. He gets to experience new toys, new people, new environments, etc. But, I love my friends, the friendships I'm developing and reinventing, and the ideas and information I get when at these dates. Again, as I've written in previous posts, the happier I am, the happier Banner is!"

But then, something beyond awful happened. And, I am thankful for play dates in a whole new way. Yes, they are good for Banner. Yes, they are good for me. But, most importantly, they are amazing for building a bond between us moms that I could never explain to anyone else. At these play dates, we talk about our kids, our routines, our problems and solutions, and our great ideas for many different things for our kids. But, we also talk about our relationships with our husbands, our in-laws, our extended family. We become connected to each other and identify with each other on a level that I could never have imagined. These women are amazing, and because of their willingness to be honest and open, they are helping to create strong bonds of support and understanding with/for each other.

We've attended baby namings together, we've welcomed new moms to our group to help with those early rough times, we've counseled each other, and now we've mourned with each other. These play dates are creating life long bonds for us - and hopefully for our children - to know we can lean on each other in hard times and in great times. I will celebrate with these women, and I will cry with them. I will watch their children grow and learn, and I will hold their hands when hard times hit.

After tragedy hit one of  my "play date" friends, I was reminded that the honesty, acceptance, understanding, and genuine compassion we have for each other is alive and strong. My friend told me on the day of her husband's funeral that he appreciated us because anyone who was important to her was important to him. Her husband knew, just like my husband knows, that these play dates and the people I have met and "fallen in love with" during them are so important to helping us maintain our sanity in this big learning curve of a life change.  Now, more than ever, we will pull together to support my friend and her daughter. Our play dates will become even more important - for both her and her daughter. So, in thinking about all the joys Banner and I have gotten out of these play dates and the strong bonds we are all forming, I say even more so now than before, Thank God for Play Dates!

Motherhood and Feminism

In honor of International Women's Day (which was actually earlier this month), I'd like to write about a topic that recently came to my attention via the Ms. Magazine blog. The title of the post is "The Future of Feminism: Not Your Ordinary Mother’s Blog," and I was kind of shocked when I read it. The article discusses Mommy Bloggers and how women are blogging about their experiences with motherhood from a feminist perspective. It seems from the article that Mommy Bloggers being feminists would be a shock, and even one comment after the article says, "I find this refreshing because we almost never connect feminism with the joys of motherhood." So, why was I shocked? Well, to me, it's so obvious that a person could be both a feminist and a mother, and those two, for me, are deeply tied to each other. In fact, so much of what I've written about speaks to being a feminist mom. 

Let's make this a little clearer. What is a feminist? The definition of "feminism" (as defined by Merriam-Webster) is: "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes". And, I happen to like Dictionary.com's definition even better: "advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men." So, the way I look at it, a feminist is simply someone (man or woman) who wants all women and men to be equal, to have the same rights, and to be treated with equal respect. Feminism is just as much a men's issue as it is a women's issue. 

The next question is: how is feminism connected to motherhood? Well, I think a better question is how is it NOT connected? A woman writing about her feelings as a mom opens up so many topics that are at the heart of feminism: stay-at-home vs. working, breastfeeding or not, how responsibilities are divided between parents, raising feminist children, avoiding gender stereotyping with your kids, etc. 

Now, while my initial reaction was one of confusion and concern that Mommy Bloggers and feminism seemed unconnected to each other, I also had a very positive reaction to this article. I love that women (and men) are blogging about their experiences with parenting. I wish more people would be honest and open up about their experiences with their children, with their partners, with their families. Becoming a mom has brought up so many new concerns, new points-of-view, new fears and worries, new celebrations, new ideas for me, that it's impossible for me not to share those thoughts on my blog. Simply put, things are just different now, and my eyes are wide open! 


I've always been a feminist as long as I can remember. Graduate school proved it to me even more. And, now, as a mother, I'm even more in touch with my feminist perspectives. Leaving any of myself out of the equation when writing about Banner and my life with him in it goes against everything I believe in. I'm not about just writing about our lovely little life with the happiest baby on the block. I'm all about writing what the realities of our experiences are, how we truly feel about things, and being honest about how we got here. Being able to write about my experiences as a new mom makes me a happier mom, which makes Banner a happier baby, no doubt. We are all in this life together, and everything I do is for him now, but I certainly can't leave myself out in raising him well. So, I proudly support these "Mommy Bloggers," (and Daddy Bloggers, too!) who write about parenting from a feminist perspective. I'm happy to say I'm one of them!

For more on this topic, see this post, too.

80 weeks

Today, Banner turns 40 weeks old. Add 40 weeks (exactly) of pregnancy, and that makes Banner a complete 80 weeks old. In honor of that milestone, I want to report what the doctor told us at his appointment a couple days ago. First of all, we get to add meats to his diet now. (We're waiting on dairy still, not as an allergy precaution but as a means of not enticing him away from fruits and veggies in order to like cheese or yogurt more.... so this is more of a behavioral tactic than a medical one.) Banner also got two shots at his appointment: another polio shot and another Hep B shot (I still want to write a separate post about vaccines and my opinions on them... that will have to wait for now). And, he was given a hemoglobin test, which came back one-tenth of a point below normal, but the doctor wasn't worried (of course, I was and asked lots of questions.... and I later found out that overhydration can be a contributing factor to that, and since he had LOTS of water at his 9-month photo shoot earlier that morning, I'm going to make myself feel better and think that's all it was....). Anyway, we got our questions answered, Banner got a clean bill of health, and we got his new stats:

-Height: 27 3/4 inches = 35th percentile
-Weight: 21 pounds, 9.5 oz = 70th percentile
-Head: 46 cm = 75th percentile

The doctor is pretty sure the nurse mismeasured Banner's height, and he said we'll just get a new measurement at 12 months; he's not worried about that at all. I wish they had remeasured right then, but oh well. . . not worth the aggravation of asking Banner to cooperate over what could be a small error.

We were also told that Banner is developmentally scoring as a 10.5 month old. We were pleased with that. I'm not in any hurry for this kid to walk, although I'm sure walking will be more helpful. He's already into everything anyway, why not let that just be on two feet instead of all fours?!

I've gotten all this week to hang out with Banner on my own again since I'm on Spring Break. It's been so wonderful, such a treat, and I can feel that separation anxiety really emerging - and for Banner, too! - ha! I'm going to miss him so much when Monday rolls around and I'm back at work. He's such a pleasure to watch. The other day, I watched him interact with his Curious George stuffed animal. He gave numerous kisses on George's mouth in between trying to gouge his eyes out and nibble his feet. I am loving watching him look out windows while he babbles, blows bubbles, or makes raspberries. I love how he tags along with me in the kitchen and how curious he is about what we're doing, where we're going, the sounds he hears, etc. I love shopping with him now, too - which is WAY different than before. It's just so fun to watch him watch! And, feeding him new finger foods has been really exciting (yes, it's the little things in life!!). A few days ago I actually teared up when he was eating his bits of carrots, corn, peas, and green beans so well . . . I was so proud of him! (I know, I'm one of THOSE moms!)

So, anyway, wish me luck next week when Spring Break is officially over. Just 11 more weeks in the school year, which also means just about 12 more weeks until Banner is 1 year old - and that makes 80 weeks sound like nothing!

What's Up, DOC? (Or Not!)

Disclaimer: This post includes lots of wordy description. I'm sorry. I also wrote the word "head" a lot!

Like many C-section babies, Banner was born with the most beautiful, perfectly shaped, round head, and I loved it! But, a few weeks after that, I started worrying about it. Okay, I was worried about everything, but I was genuinely concerned about what was going on with his head. I kept noticing all these little bumps and odd curves to it. When I asked our pediatrician about a few things, he agreed with my brother (an OB/GYN) who said it's all normal, especially for a baby who was head-down throughout the pregnancy. Well, a few more weeks went by, and we had our 2-month check-up.  At that appointment, I pointed out that Banner's head shape was off. From a bird's-eye-view, you could see that the back of Banner's head was flatter on the right than the left. Sam and I did everything we could to reposition him to help with this, but his head stayed flat. (You can read more about this in the 2-month post.)

Fast-forward to Banner's 4-month check up, and Sam and I were still concerned about Banner's head. I didn't notice a change of any kind during those two months, and if anything, the whole back of his head just looked really flat. Our doctor agreed, so he prescribed a visit to Cranial Technologies, where we could get a consult about whether a helmet would benefit Banner. (They call their "helmets" DOC bands. They really don't cover the entire head like a bicycle helmet would. A DOC band allows the head to grow where it needs to. The open spaces allow head growth, and weekly visits with the orthotist allow frequent checks and redirecting of growth when they hollow out more of the band. Every band is unique to the child's needs.) Yes, this is what I worked so hard to avoid since Banner was only a few weeks old, and here we were being told we may need to put a helmet on our sweet boy's head. We had him evaluated for his plagiocephaly, a scary word no mother wants to hear, but it basically means oblique head, where one side of the head seems to be pushed forward, therefore causing misalignment of ears and/or facial asymmetry. In Banner's case, we really didn't notice anything with his forehead or face or ears, it was really just the back of his head. Here are some pictures that we got as part of his evaluation:

At the four-month check-up, we were told that Banner would benefit from the helmet. He would have to wear it 6-8 weeks for 23 hours a day, with the one hour off so he could bathe, and I could also clean the DOC Band. Because I wanted a second opinion, which Cranial Tech supported, we decided to wait. I quickly made an appointment with a craniofacial surgeon in our area who could see us the following week. The surgeon arranged for us to have X-Rays prior to our appointment with him so that he could see what was going on inside Banner's head. I'll spare you the details about our obnoxiously long wait at the hospital radiology center with our four-month old, but after a very long wait, Banner did GREAT with these X-Rays. Sam was with Banner for this round of X-Rays (I had been the one to have to hold him down at his 2-month check-up), so I got to sit with the technician and watch the images come up.

The surgeon confirmed that Banner's head was fine inside. He said Banner did not have craniosynostosis, which is where the sutures of the infant's skull fuse too early and can result an abnormal head shape. We had to make sure of this before deciding what to do about the helmet, because "helmeting" a child with craniosynostosis can make matters much worse! In addition to this great news, we also learned that this particular doctor recommended waiting until the child is 6-months old before helmeting. He said sometimes the head shape can correct on its own when the baby is sitting up more, crawling around more, and generally off the back of the head. So, we left his office with a new timeline. We decided to wait until Banner was 6 months before doing anything.

Of course, during that time, I was still freaking out daily. The longer you wait to helmet, the longer the child will have to be in the helmet, so every day that I waited meant more time for Banner to be uncomfortable in a helmet later on. This did not sit well with me, and I was just trying so hard to wait 2 months! TWO MONTHS - a really long time to wait for another answer that could tell us we SHOULD have done something EARLIER! I felt like every passing day was a missed opportunity.

But, lo and behold, time did pass, and it was finally time to get another consult at Cranail Tech right before Banner's 6-month check-up with the pediatrician. Here are the pictures from that evaluatoin:

And, just to help you compare... here's side by side changes of his head at 4 months (left) and 6 months (right):

My mom was the one to take him this time, and she called me at work to give me the scoop. Basically, the orthotist handling our case was overwhelmingly surprised at all the progress Banner had made. She said we (Sam and I) had been doing a great job with the exercises she had taught us at the 4-month evaluation. (HA! We couldn't stand doing them and never did really because Banner screamed through them. The manipulations were for kids with torticollis - yes, another word no mother wants to hear her baby has! Torticollis is when the baby has a stiff neck and cannot manipulate the neck to turn different directions or hold the head up properly. Banner did not have this... he could turn any direction he wanted, and he had no problem moving his neck, so we decided the exercises were not worth the aggravation.) But, anyway, she applauded our valiant efforts, so we accepted those kudos! :) What we DID do a great job of was being aware of the time he was spending in the bouncer, the swing, the car seat, etc. And, by 6 months, Banner was sleeping on his side and his belly, so he was off the back of his head for a long period of time. (That's part of the problem... Banner slept through the night from a very early age... 8-10 hours by the time he was 2 months old. And, the directives from the AAP say to have babies sleep on their backs, so he was on the back of his head for so many hours at a time at a very early age, and he tended to turn his head to the right no matter what we did to discourage that!)

So, back to the orthotist.... she told Mom that while she supported the idea that a helmet would make Banner's head better, she felt that it was really our choice and nothing we HAD to do. She said it would be cosmetic, not functional as we were once told at 4-months (that his head shape at that time would lead to jaw problems and facial asymmetry). Now that he was older, he would have to wear it 10-12 weeks for 23 hours a day. So, we consulted with our doctor, and he agreed it was a tough call. Banner's plagiocephaly was SO mild. Sam and I had said that if Banner were a girl, we probably wouldn't worry about it because her hair would cover any misshaped areas. Our doctor disagreed by saying, "If he were a girl, I'd definitely do it. A boy can get away with looking like a doofus." A doofus?? I don't want my baby looking like a doofus ever! EVER! And, with short hair, his misshaped head would stand out worse, so with that comment, I was back on a rampage to helmet him, especially because the doctor said at this point, his head would not get any better. Yet, we had heard that before at 4 months from the Cranial Tech therapists, so I was not convinced that it couldn't correct more on its own now.

To helmet or not to helmet, that was the question! Of every minute of my day! I'd ask people close to me what they thought. I remember going to a friend of mine at work and asking her opinion! We talked about it at play dates. I questioned my family about it every chance I could. Sam and I argued about it almost daily...he had adamantly decided there was no reason to spend over $3,000 on the DOC Band if it was cosmetic, but I adamantly worried that Banner would never forgive us if he lived his whole life with a misshaped head! I wanted so badly to just ask Banner what he wanted! I wished I could know his thoughts on the matter... I could hear him saying, "Mommy, please don't make me wear that thing! It'll be hard to sleep in. I won't be comfortable. My head will sweat. People will stare at me!" Then, I could hear him saying, "Please make my head perfect. Please don't make it easy for kids to pick on me in school. Give me that helmet so I won't look like a fool who can't get a date because I look like a freakin' doofus!"

Well, I decided to try not to let it bother me. HA! Well, I TRIED! But, I'd reevaluate his head at every bath, when I could wet his hair and eliminate the confusion that his wavy hair was causing. I still do. See, what ended up happening was, there were more days when I thought his head was fine than when I thought it was lopsided or flat, so I kept putting my decision off - still very much stressing out over this decision since once Banner turned a year old it was pretty much a done deal. (There's a small window of opportunity when the head is really malleable, so like I said earlier, with each passing day, we were losing that opportunity to correct Banner's head.) Well, here's what his head looks like now, at 9 months... (not the most professional shots, but certainly, you get the "picture!"):

Given these photos and the way his head was correcting already, I'm pretty sure we made the right decision by deciding NOT to DOC Band him. I certainly hope my kid doesn't look like a doofus, or at least that he doesn't look like a doofus because of something I failed to act on that could have made him undoofus-like. He's got a big head, just like his Daddy. His current head measurement puts him in the 75th percentile for head size, and that's just fine with me, as long as it's a round, nondoofus head! I'm always going to worry about this decision and whether it was the right thing - at least until I see his head when he's 15 or so with a buzz cut or something similar... only then will I know if we did the right thing. But, no matter what, I love that beautiful head - perfectly symmetrical or not - and I can't wait to learn more about what's happening INSIDE that head! I can't wait for him to talk to me, and maybe one day, he'll tell me what he would have wanted me to do. I can only hope he would agree with our decision because he SO doesn't look like a doofus!

Happy Birthday to MY Mommy!

Yesterday, my mother celebrated a big birthday. It's not up to me to disclose how old she is, but it was a milestone birthday, and we celebrated it in a pretty big way this year. My mom is the most amazing person I know. I admire her more than anyone could ever know, and I love that we got a chance to celebrate her and her extraordinary life on more than one occasion. She deserves so much more than that, though. My mom has been to hell and back a few times in her life, and she has always managed to bounce back with a beaming smile and a heart full of love and warmth. She's such a giving person, and I hope that we were able to show her some of that love back, even if it was a tiny morsel in comparison to her daily gifts.

In the card I gave to her yesterday, I wrote that since I've become a mother, I want to thank her and show her appreciation in a way I never could have before. I now know more about what she went through, and I have no idea how she raised us the way she did (most of the time) as a single mother. I thanked her for all the times I peed on her, pooped on her, spit-up on her, vomited on her, ruined her hair, her clothes, her make-up, her purse, invaded her personal space and time, pitted out her car, her house, ruined her favorite things, talked her ear off, made her late, kept her from sleeping, cried to her, and pretty much did anything that annoyed or frustrated her! And, not only did she let me do all of those things to her, but now she's letting MY baby do them to her, too! She watches Banner every weekday while I'm working, and he is doing all those same things to her, too.

My mom is a warrior. She's a survivor, a fighter, and a true example of inner and outer beauty. She stands for what she believes in, she loves with her whole heart, and she embraces her family unconditionally. She's a good friend, an amazing cook, and a wise teacher. I love her more every day, and I cannot imagine my life without her. After losing Sam's mom a few months ago, I know how lucky I am to have my mom in my life. I never take her for granted, and I cherish all the lessons she continues to teach me. I feel so blessed that Banner gets to learn from her, too, and I feel like she's the best gift I could ever give to him.

Mom, I love you so much! I hope you enjoyed your party, your birthday dinner, your surprises, your gifts, your slideshow video, and all the love that surrounded you on your special birthday. Here's to many, many more birthdays, but mostly, here's to YOU and you feeling the love that you so deserve!

For all those times you stood by me, 

for all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life, 

for all the wrong that you made right,

For every dream you made come true, 

for all the love I found in you, I'll be forever thankful!

You're the one who held me up, never let me fall. 

You're the one who saw me through, through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak, 

you were my voice when I couldn't speak,

 You were my eyes when I couldn't see, 

you saw the best there was in me,

 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, 

you gave me faith 'cause you believed

 I'm everything I am because you loved me.

 

You gave me wings and made me fly. 

You touched my hand, I could touch the sky.

 

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me. 

You said no star was out of reach.

You stood by me, and I stood tall. I had your love, I had it all.

I'm grateful for each day you gave me.

 

Maybe I don't know that much, but I know this much is true.

I was blessed because I was loved by you.

You've Got to Have Friends

Once upon a time, my friend, Gretchen, told me about a woman she worked with. She told me that this lady was pregnant and due around the same time I was - in early June. She told me she was going to give me her number and that we should go to lunch or something one day. Of course, I told Gretchen that it sounded nice, but I remember thinking the last thing I had time for or wanted to do was go on a "blind date" with a woman I never met just because she happened to have conceived around the same time I did. Months passed and, soon, this woman and I who had never met each other started emailing each other. I don't remember who emailed whom first, but that part doesn't matter. What matters is, Gretchen was right. I should have met this person. The words in her emails could have been my own. We wrote about how we were feeling and the worries we were having. Her emails that I would receive throughout the time when I was getting bigger, more anxious about becoming a parent, and more curious about what was happening inside my body came at the perfect time. She provided an outlet for me when no one else was experiencing exactly what I was going through.

About a month before we were due, I met this woman, who we will call "Randi," (okay, yes, that's her real name - but she's okay with me writing that). We got to schmooze and vent, reflect and project, worry and find understanding. It was around that time that we also started texting, and pretty much since that time, we text on a daily basis. Our texts are hilarious, really. There have been times it sounds like we are lovers, there are times it sounds like we should both be institutionalized, and there are times you can hear our tears through the texts. Both of our families are beyond thankful that Randi and I have each other to talk/text to. We encourage each other, and we give each other strength by knowing we are not alone.

Our babies were born two days apart, both born via C-section. Her daughter is two days older than Banner, and while they are both reaching different milestones on their own time, the feelings and thoughts we share with each other are very similar. I could not have made it without Randi in my life. She is the sounding board I wish all new moms could have. Yes, I have best friends, and yes, I have the most amazing mother anyone could ask for. God bless all those people in my life for being there for me whenever I need them. But, having a new mom go through all the new-mom-stuff at the exact same time with me, without competition... that is someone to be thankful for! We cover any and all topics, and nothing (and I mean NOTHING!) is off-limits, including (but certainly not limited to): our husbands, recovery from surgery, our attempts at breastfeeding, schedules, teething, when babies are sick, our periods, best baby toys, techniques for feeding/changing/bathing/entertaining baby, napping and sleeping - both us and our kids!, poop, double chins and misshaped heads, working vs. staying-at-home, why our incisions are still bugging us, getting out of the house, meeting milestones and wondering if our babies are okay, freaking out about everything, sex life, our hair (or lack thereof), our memories (or lack thereof), videos and pictures of our kids doing funny, frustrating, or new things, and when we might try to have a second baby, and how we will handle it if we don't conceive baby #2 at the same time... ah!

We are both absolutely insane. We are both anxious control freaks with no control over much of anything in this new stage in our lives, so to find a friend who is in the same boat as me, having the same feelings as me is so wonderful. Randi is hilarious and has a quick wit, which I love. The best is getting her texts at work, especially in the middle of an important yet boring meeting. I may see my phone light up with, "E's up, and she's pissed!" or "I don't think I'll be sleeping for years. Like at least 18 of them," or "Was B's belly okay after the magazine-eating-shenanigans?" or "She laughed when I put the thermometer up her butt." It's just random conversation that we continue to have each and every day.

We have watched each others' babies grow up, develop, learn, become social, and deal with their crazy mommies! It's such a joy to watch her daughter grow up with Banner. I am so glad Gretchen introduced us! It's so nice to have someone to check-in with and find out more about how she's doing, with a true, genuine, non-competitive attitude. There's no jealousy, no trying to "one-up" each other, and no games - just pure, honest, uncensored friendship.  I also owe a big thank-you to "Randi" for putting up with me, for enjoying time with Banner, for being my friend, for being my sounding-board,  and for being right there with me when "9 months later...we are still a mess!"

Notes on Nine!

I remember Banner being about 3 months old, and I kept thinking how I couldn't wait for him to be 9 months old. I was told it was one of the "numbers," you know, where everything is magically supposed to be just amazing? Everyone tells you that things get better at 3 months, at 4 months, at 6 months, etc. Lots of people have told me their favorite age is 9 months, so I guess I was waiting for this magical time when my baby would be just "the most perfect age!" Now, we're just starting the month, so I'm going to be tentative when I say this, but: they were wrong! 9 months may be great, but 8 months was pretty damn amazing, too! Honestly, I would say 5 months is when I felt like we had turned a corner and things were getting so much better and easier. But, if you had told me that at 2 or 3 months, I would have felt just as defeated being told to wait til 4 or 6 or 9 months because even one week longer at that time seemed to be too long to wait for things to be better. That sounds awful, but at that time, Banner cried a lot. We were just seeing signs of eczema, although we didn't know that's what it was. We were dealing with a LOT of reflux. We couldn't seem to feed him fast enough. He cried a lot. He was just starting to sleep 8 hours a night. We had absolutely no schedule. Banner hated car rides with a passion. We were still figuring out what the hell we were doing! Did I mention he cried a lot!? So, for someone to tell you that it will get better at 4, 5, 6, 9 months, etc... that seemed like a lifetime away! But, we did turn a corner, and things did get easier, and it happened long before 9 months that I completely fell in love with my little guy. And, 9 months (which, at the time, couldn't get here fast enough) has flown by in a flash!

I am loving all the joys Banner brings to our lives. He is such a sweet boy to hang out with, and I just want to eat him up so much of the time! His baby giggles and his beautiful smile are too precious. I love learning about him still, but I feel like I know him so well. Banner is usually a pretty happy kid. He's typically in a great mood throughout the day. The only times he cries are when we stop him from going somewhere he wants (like into the dishwasher or towards something breakable or dangerous or the changing table where he's always going to avoid laying still) or in the middle of the night on occasion (usually because he's cold, teething, or just wants Mommy or Daddy). We have more good nights than bad (2-3 bad nights per week = he wants a brief snuggle for maybe 20 minutes or so and then sleeps again until morning... although, once every 2-3 weeks, a bad night will turn into an awful night = nothing we do gets him back to sleep for over 2 hours!). He loves to be tickled, he doesn't mind car rides or when we contain him in the Pack 'n Play so we can get ready for work in the mornings, he loves his shapes sorter and any musical toy, he's starting to love a game of "chase" or anything where he feels like we're "sneaking up" on him, and he still very much enjoys Peek-a-Boo.

He's on a very predictable schedule now:

6:30-7:00ish wake up and have morning bottle (7.5 oz)

7:30ish     Prevacid and 2 TBSP oatmeal
9:00-11:00ish Morning nap
11:00       2nd bottle (8 oz)
12:00       starting to give snack – (can be fruit, bagel, puffs, etc)
1:30-3:00    Afternoon nap – 1.5-2 hours usually
3:00/3:30    3rd bottle (8 oz)
5:15/5:30     Dinner – ½ fruit, ½ veggie, 2 TBSP barley or rice, and a few finger food pieces (pear, pasta, cracker, cooked zucchini, carrots… something to practice picking up food)
6:00     Prevacid
6:40ish  Bath time in bath ring – brush teeth, get ready for bed
7:00    Bottle (7.5 oz) then to bed

New this month:

• Banner has 2 bottom teeth! His left one came in first followed very shortly by the right. We're waiting on those top two to pop out soon, too! He loves to feel these teeth (and the ones he feels jostling around in the top) with his tongue. 
• He had his second cold. Mucinex was the doctor's drug of choice, and man, did it work well! We only used it at night to help Banner breathe - which is always more complicated when lying down - and we used the humidifier, and I thank God for those two creations: humidifier and Mucinex!
• We celebrated Banner's first Valentine's Day! He had lots of fun with extra time with Daddy, who came home super-early from work (even beat us home that afternoon!). He had a special visit from Zaide, and he got generous cards and gifts from Grandma, from NaNa, and from Aunt Gayle, Uncle Jason, Miles, and Colby!
• Banner is cruising everywhere! He's very confident with his walking as long as he's holding on to a table, couch, wall, toy, or hand. Every now and then, he'll stand for a few seconds on his own.
• Reflux is definitely better. He's still spitting up, but less often. Maybe once or twice a day, we'll see some spit-up. That is LEAPS and BOUNDS better than before!! Thank the good Lord!
• Our favorite thing right now, other than the sweet kisses he's been giving (LOVE THOSE!!!), is that Banner drinks through a straw. My mom taught him this a couple weeks ago, and he's great at it. I can just use any old cup and put a straw in it, and he drinks water perfectly! This is great at restaurants (which we've been frequenting again!) to just ask for a cup of water and let him enjoy a beverage with us! :)
• Oh, and finger foods! Loving the finger foods at dinner time and for a snack. This is also nice at restaurants. Sam took Banner to brunch twice this month, and he ordered him a plate of bananas and a water, and Banner could participate! He's still inconsistent with what he'll eat, but every night, I've tried some sort of finger food. He loved pears one day, but a few days later, wouldn't have anything to do with them. He loved zucchini the past couple nights. His favorite: graham cracker. He even used his own mouth to follow Sam's graham cracker to Sam's mouth... nearly French kissed him trying to get that graham cracker away from his daddy!
• I'm feeling the separation anxiety starting to emerge. Banner's been much clingier and whinier lately. I've read crying peaks again at 9 months, and I can see that may be true for Banner. I feel like he wants to communicate with us but is just so frustrated that he can't. I'm ready to start teaching more signs to him to help with that... we'll see.
• He definitely understands what we mean when we say "finished," "more," jump," "bye-bye," "kiss," "no," "medicine," "up," and "Banner." I'm sure there are a few others he knows, but those are a few I see obvious reactions to.

We go to the doctor for his 9-month check-up this week, so I'll post more stats after that. Currently, though, we are still using Level 3 nipples (tried Level 4s, but he spit-up more, so we went back to 3s), he's still in Size 4 diapers during the day (and Size 5s at night - still loving the Huggies Overnites), and we dress him in 12 month clothing mostly (he still fits into many 9 month sizes and a few 6-9 month).  He will still tolerate the Exersaucer and likes the Jumperoo, but he'd much prefer to crawl around and pull up on everything else. He's using his walking toys more often, too. He loves to crawl to the windows and pull up to look out the blinds. . . much to my frustration! My favorite, though, is when he pulls up on my legs and just stands with me (he does this lots while I'm in the kitchen washing dishes or trying to cook dinner). I love how much he wants to be close, and I love how he trusts me to help hold him up. I love feeling his little hands pull on my pant legs as his arm just curls around my leg, almost like he wants to help me do whatever I'm doing... my little buddy, just taggin' along with Mommy!

Banner Boone, I wonder what I did so right to have you in my life. I thank God every day and every night for getting to be your Mommy and for giving me a son so sweet, radiant, fun, smart, strong, and funny. I love watching you grow and learn. I love watching you meet the world and become such an active part of it! Some nights I put you to bed and cry as I think about how much I miss you already. I also think about how much I can't wait to get to know you more. More than anything, though, I just hope you know and feel how much I love you. Happy 9 months, Sweet Angel. We are going to have so much fun this month!

30 Months Later

Today is our 30th monthiversary! So, I figured it was time for a post about Sam and me and our marriage. I know so many of my posts are all about Banner and motherhood, and why wouldn't they be? This parenthood thing is the biggest event that has ever happened to me - or will ever happen to me, I'm almost 100% sure! But, I don't want to neglect how much of our life is about just being Samber. I am so lucky to have my best friend as my husband, especially in this past year or so of scary, adventurous, exciting, anxious, out-of-control, amazing times. There is no one else I would want by my side through it all.

Although Sam and I don't go out as often as we'd like anymore, and we're always wanting more date nights, we pretty much spend a lot of quality time together after Banner goes to sleep. We cook together, clean together, watch TV, chat about our days, and snuggle every night. However, I was so worried in Banner's early days and first couple months that Sam and I would never have time for each other - we were both overtired, on survival mode, and gave any energy we had to our newborn. There were nights I cried to Sam telling him how much I missed him. There were days I felt completely disconnected from him. There were days and nights (and there still are on rare occasions) that we were so NOT on the same page and had to stop talking to each other in order to not say something really hurtful. There have been more apologies in the past 9 months than the past 9 years, and we argue way more than we ever used to.

Why? Well, it's not about us anymore. We've added a whole new element - operative word being "new." We are both on unfamiliar territory and both thrown into a world where there really aren't any right answers. Our rabbi once told us during premarital counseling that marriage is an opportunity to create. We get to define us and how we are going to be as a couple. Well, parenthood is the same way. We have a huge opportunity to create this unique family as we see fit, but we have to be on the same page about that, and that takes a LOT of communication. Luckily, this is our strength. But, even for a couple who boasts about their communication skills, we have had our struggles. There are times we had to just ignore each other for a while, sit out in our own corners until we had cooled off enough to come back to a better place. I knew becoming a parent was going to be a challenge. But, becoming a co-parent has been a whole other challenge. We brought with us our past, our dreams, our wishes for our child - and those things may or may not be the same. Huge learning curve for both of us! People who have kids "to save a marriage," well, that's just a death sentence really! Dumbest thing I've ever heard!

I remember being in the hospital the night after Banner was born just chatting in the dark with Sam. We talked about how hard it would be to have gone through the birth process and the huge life-changing event that we were going through if we didn't already know each other so well. Sam wondered how couples who didn't know each other for as long or as deeply as we did could manage such a big change. I feel the same way now. I thank God every day that I have an understanding husband who knows me inside and out, sometimes better than I know myself. I am so fortunate that we have learned how to communicate even better than before in order to make our family work!

There are going to be ups and downs when it comes to parenting, I know. But, I watched my mom make parenting decisions on her own since my parents were divorced and all the discipline was pretty much up to her. She got to do things her way, without objection from another parent. I knew I'd have to compromise on occasion, and compromising on what you think is best for your kid is beyond difficult! But, ultimately, isn't our happy marriage staying happy the best thing for Banner in the long run? (Say yes... it will help us validate our cruise we're planning to take just the two of us later this year!)  So, we continue to work through all of these hiccups that parenting has brought to our relationship.

Like I said before, though, there is not one other person on the face of this planet who could take Sam's place, who would know me and trust me the way he does. Thank God for our history. Thank God for our friendship. Thank God for "I'm sorry!" (Love DOES mean having to say you're sorry! And, often! My friend, Casey, wrote a great Valentine's Day post about this... "I'm sorry I haven't brushed my teeth all day." "I'm sorry I threw that pacifier across the room." "I'm sorry I snapped at you in the middle of the night!" (My other friend, Mandy, told me it was a rule in her house that nothing said in the middle of the night counted! Love this rule!) "I'm sorry I forgot to put Banner's formula back in the fridge and now the entire quart is spoiled." "I'm sorry I let Banner eat the mail on the way in from the mailbox, and now he's swallowing bits of paper." "I'm sorry I have to work late tonight and the next night, and you'll be on your own!" "I'm sorry I didn't listen when you said Banner was going to go for that cup of water on the coffee table next to my computer!")

So, 30 months later, here we are. I am still my beloved's, and my beloved is still mine! Sunday night, Sam and I just cuddled in bed not wanting to let each other go. He kept telling me how much he loved me, and I kept telling him how much I loved him. It's been an interesting past few months, but I think our marriage is even stronger because of all we've learned. We have learned how to walk away when we're losing it, we've learned how to speak to each other after some time of quiet reflection, we've learned that it's hard to stay upset with each other, we've learned how to balance each other out and take care of each others' needs. We've learned to let each other sleep in once a week. We've learned how to allow each other personal time. We've learned each others' limits and triggers and how to recognize cues and solve problems before they arise.

30 months is nothing. We have so many more months ahead of us, I pray! Our marriage is still in its infancy, I know. But, I'm proud of how far we've come, even when I didn't know how far we had to go! I thought we'd just slip right into this parent thing - getting along on every aspect. I'm glad we have learned and I'm glad we're in this together. I love being married to Sam. I love being his wife. There are days I just want to stay in his arms and not move!  I just feel like this life is flying by, and it makes me want to freeze time. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts. Sometimes I miss him when he's right in front of me. Every "sixth" of each month, we tell each other "Happy Monthiversary!" and I love that. I love the sixth of every month, just like I love the ninth of every month when we celebrate a new month in Banner's life. So, happy 6th, Sam. Happy Monthiversary! I love you!