My Heart Outside My Body

Elizabeth Stone said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I first heard this quotation when I was student teaching, and it made a lot of sense to me. But, it never made as much sense to me until now, until I had a child of my own. As I've written about before, loving Banner can actually hurt sometimes. Each day I spend with him, though, I feel my heart melting more and more. And, now that I'm officially on my maternity leave, I feel the days slipping by, and I know that they will fly all too quickly before I'm back at work again. I want to savor my time with my boy, and even though there are tiring times, moments of intense frustration, and long, daunting days sometimes, I fall in love with my sweet angel more and more each day. As everyone has told me, every day really does get better. I get to know him so much more; he gets to know me so much more; and, we are so in love with each other. I just can't get enough of my munchkin, and I find myself reaching for the video camera more and more - wanting to capture him, fighting to hang on to his tiny-ness, and desperately hoping to remember every moment, every movement, every memory. I can't wait to hear his cooing voice each day, I can't wait to see that cute smile, and I can't wait to kiss all over his soft cheeks! He's like a favorite song you want to hear on repeat or that favorite episode you could watch over and over again. The love grows stronger and deeper each day, and the pain of loving him so much grows even more painful . . . my heart - outside my body!

As kids around the country go back to school this week, I hurt for all those parents sending their kids out into the world, unleashing them to find their destinies on their own. And, I have thought about each of those parents a great deal in the past few days - from a mom walking her daughter to her new Kindergarten classroom to a mom coming home to an empty nest after dropping her son off at college. I read my friends' blogs with big tears in my eyes, knowing how deep their love is for their own child(ren) and embracing the days I have with my baby before he's off in the big world. I know these days will feel like "just yesterday" when I'm walking Banner to school, praying that I've done a somewhat-decent job preparing him for whatever comes his way. I'll be that emotional parent, gulping down that lump in my throat to keep from crying, remembering when he smiled at me for the first time or thinking back to these days of cooing sweetly on his play pad with his fingers curled around mine. I tear-up thinking of it now, just knowing how fast that moment will be here. Yet, I can't wait to see what amazing things come his way. In the meantime, I will just keep falling in love with my son and caring for my heart as it prepares to walk away from me one day.

Spit-Up, Hiccup, Clean-Up, Fed Up

Disclaimer: In most of my previous postings, when I need to vent, I usually say something like, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining..." Well, in this post, I AM COMPLAINING! I'm whining and I'm letting you know it!

Banner has reflux. Like many babies experience, reflux is when the stomach hasn't started a normal squeezing pattern that gets the stomach into a digestive rhythm. This allows milk to sit in the baby's stomach longer than normal and causes the baby to spit up or have reflux. A great deal of what we feed him makes its way back up and out of Banner's mouth at any point after a feeding. ANY.POINT... 10 seconds to 2 hours to right before his next feeding. Yet, he has never really minded the fact that partially-digested formula cascades out of his mouth and down his chin like a running faucet. He doesn't mind the wetness of his clothes or the foul odor of sour formula. He doesn't seem to mind having to wear a bib almost constantly, and he doesn't appear to be bothered by the 20 minutes or longer that he must stay upright before we can go play after eating. He's a trooper, and he's certainly more patient than I am. I feel badly for him that he has to deal with such an annoying problem all day (and all night!) long. It has to be frustrating to constantly have wet clothing or have to be changed out of them numerous times a day; it has to be frustrating to never know when your previous meal is going to pop back up - in the car, on the play mat, in your sleep, in the bathtub, in your swing, while someone is holding you, having a diaper changed, etc. It just never goes away! I feel so badly for him that his eating experience is ruined by this problem; he has to continue to eat his formula all day long as it gets stuck in his mouth or reappears throughout the day.

Sounds appetizing, right? Ugh! I feel so badly for him, and I have to remember it's worse for him. BUT, it's really frustrating for me, too! I am so fed up (no pun intended) with having to clean my carpets, do more laundry, change Banner's clothes, have extra burp rags on hand, clean the furniture, pull my hair back, change my own clothes, etc. It's unnerving! I also have to worry about him choking on his spit-up - a fear that keeps me from sleeping deeply at night. Poor baby can spit up at any time at night, choking on his previous meals or having it stream out of his nose. If Banner coughs at night, Sam and I are immediately out of bed, peering over Banner's pack-n-play making sure he's not spitting up and choking on it. It's the main reason we haven't moved him out of our room yet. . . I'm too paranoid to have him any farther from us at night.

Banner also gets the hiccups after every meal. EVERY.SINGLE.MEAL since he was born! If we did the approximate math on this, he has had hiccups about 498 times so far. I absolutely hurt for him! The thing is, though, he LOVES to eat. I don't know if that's because he would have loved to eat anyway or if it's because he's never full after spitting up so much between feedings. He's got a strong suck, taking his bottles in about 10 minutes! He's a fast eater, which is part of the problem, I'm sure. We try to take breaks, trying to elicit a (hopefully dry) burp while also trying to slow the feeding down. We know he's getting enough to eat, because he is putting on weight appropriately, and he's filling out nicely. He's a very strong boy - as EVERYone has mentioned to us. I sometimes wonder if his muscles are so strong that they squeeze so tightly inside that food is projected out. He spits up more often before he hiccups, he spits up more often when he's excited (like if someone makes him smile or laugh), and he spits up more if he hasn't been burped in the middle of a bottle. We know we're not overfeeding him, either, as he's only in the 30th percentile for weight. He can spit-up even just the smallest amount, like the 2.5mL of reflux medication we give him twice a day. When this (rarely) happens, I think it's funny and ironic - spitting up the medicine that's supposed to help you from spitting up. Apparently, though, the medicine is not supposed to help with the spitting up - it's supposed to keep the acid level down so that Banner is not in pain when it happens.

And he's not - not in any pain at all. That's the most amazingly weird part. I'd be so pissed if I were puking all day - but not my little baby! He's just a "happy spitter," as the doctor calls him. He will happily go about his day, barfing here and there and everywhere. He's even spit up into his eye before and did not seem to mind. (I was rocking him to sleep, he spit up a LOT, and it went all over his face. I tried to hurry to wipe it away, but he opened his eyes and in went the spit-up!) I'm glad he doesn't seem to mind. Thank goodness he's handling this daily/nightly frustration so well! He's definitely doing better than his mama! I am constantly worried and annoyed - both for him and for me! We're on our 4th formula right now - and I'm ready for a fifth because this one is worse than before. We spend about $140 every two weeks on his reflux medicine that I'm not sure he really needs - as he's never really been in pain from the reflux. It's a specially-mixed medicine that our insurance won't cover, and it's only good for up to 15 days after it's made. So even if we didn't finish the bottle, we have to continue to refill the prescription. Each formula we try gets increasingly more expensive than the last. Currently, the formula we're trying costs $10 per quart. He goes through a little less than a quart each day, so we're spending approximately $70 a week on formula. If things don't improve somewhat soon, we'll be taking him to a GI doctor, and I'm sure that won't be cheap, either. But, all of this is worth it if Banner needs it - I just haven't seen much of a difference with all these interventions (new formula, medicine, holding him upright for a while after eating, elevating his changing pad, etc.). Given that Banner seems to be otherwise healthy, I'm grateful that this is all we're dealing with. Things could be so much worse. I also know we're in good company, since so many of my friends and family have shared other woes of reflux with us. I feel badly that not many people want to hold Banner, for fear of barf rolling down their clothing. I feel badly that he's puked on so many people's carpeting and furniture. I feel badly that I practically gag at the smell of his new formula (but Banner understands, he gagged, too, the first few feedings!). I feel badly that I won't pick him up without a (somewhat) trusty burp rag nearby or on my shoulder. I feel badly that I have to pull my hair back before I can pick him up - and I'm starting to think he doesn't recognize me with my hair down...seriously! (This act is getting harder because I've broken all of my hair clips this summer. I broke my only one left yesterday, so I HAVE to go get more today!) I hate that when I walk into Banner's room, I can smell his awful-smelling formula immediately! Sam used to not mind the smell of formula on him at work, because it reminded him of Banner - but now, he can't stand it. This new formula has robbed us of that sweet baby smell!

We're hoping we find a "cure" soon. I know this is such a common problem; there has to be a formula for Banner out there! It will just take time and patience for us to find it. I just hope it's sooner than later for everyone's sake - especially my little bulimic baby.

On Becoming a Mommy

There was one day recently when Banner was not making eye contact. I wasn't the only one who noticed it - Mom and Sam did, too. All of us would try to get his attention by putting our faces in his line of vision. We'd get close, we'd back up. We would try toys, we would try smiles and high-pitched voices. We'd get on one side, then try the other. I quickly became frustrated and worried. I started Googling all about infant eye-contact, researching my parenting books for this issue in the index, and looking at information we had from the pediatrician. I also quickly became nauseous - my stomach in knots as I read words like "autism" and "anti-social." I felt so sick to my stomach and started envisioning my son's future with loads of early intervention to try to break through to him - reliving the frustrating day we all had just trying to get my baby to look at us! I worried about his vision, his hearing, his social abilities. And, I tried so hard not to jump to conclusions, not to get too far ahead of myself; after all, Sam and I had just both reported to the pediatrician that Banner does make eye contact, and he smiles at us often.

Shortly after Banner fell asleep, I cried and told Sam why I was so concerned. He, too, began to look up way too much information on the web. Once Banner woke up, I was in the shower. Sam reported to me afterward, though, that Banner made lots of eye contact and was smiling a great deal. He predicted correctly when I responded with, "Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" He, of course, was not just saying that - and when I was rocking Banner to sleep later that night, I got lots of eye contact. I cried as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and said, "There you are!" I felt like I hadn't seen him all day - because he seemed to not have seen me all day!

The following day, everything was fine, and Banner's behaviors have been fine since then... very social, smiley, almost giggly, and quite interested in looking at Mommy (and Daddy, too!). But, that awful nauseous feeling will continue to be there. . . and THAT'S how I know I'm a Mommy. Ever since Banner was born, I see the world in a whole new way. I see danger where I didn't before (from sharp corners to sharp knives; hot water to hot sun). I worry about any number of diseases, illnesses, disorders, and syndromes. I hurt when I think he might be hurting. I care more about his needs and rarely remember to meet my own. My heart literally squeezes with pain from how much I love him as I lay him down to sleep each night.

There are a few good things that have come from this Mommy-hood. I appreciate slow drivers, but I also realize that sometimes those moms who go a little faster to make that light just might have an infant in the car who hates the red light. I have learned how to do so many tasks faster than ever before - from putting on my make-up to folding laundry. I have the ability to clean the house with one hand or maybe just a foot - never before have my toes been so "handy!" Along those lines, I clean my house more than ever before. I am a better planner than even before - and that's a damn good planner! I eat less. I shop fast. I drive safer. I gave up some vanity, and I watch less TV. Although I'd love some "me" time that I haven't gotten in over 2 months, I cherish my time with my husband even more than before. Even when I could take advantage of taking a longer shower or driving a little slower on the way home from an errand by myself, I hurry to get home. I want to be there, don't want to miss anything, and want to help out as much as I can.

As I continue to open the door to Mommy-hood, I'm learning lots of new things. I'm learning what it feels like to miss your baby. I'm realizing not everything can be perfect. I'm realizing that loving someone so much can actually hurt sometimes. I'm learning how much more I should have thanked my own mother growing up! I know now just how confusing the whole job is - and I'm so much more experienced with infants than the average person - having worked with infants since high school and college. I realize now just how much moms all over the world are more often than not "flying by the seat of their pants." We're all making this up as we go along - trying our best to make the safest, wisest, healthiest, most nurturing choices we can - from how often and how much to feed to how much and how often to play! I have also learned that just when I think I know the answer, there's a whole new list of questions. Just when I figure something out, another issue surfaces. So, I've also learned that once one stress or one stage passes, there will be another one to take its place.

Never before have I cried so much in two short (okay, they've been kind of long to me, honestly!) months. Sometimes the tears have been due to pain, sometimes due to exhaustion or frustration. But, mostly, they've been due to complete and overwhelming happiness. Never before have I been so conflicted in how I feel about time. I want time to fly faster so that I can see Banner's personality unfold and develop. Yet, I also want time to stand still so I don't forget the smell of his hair, the softness of his skin, the sound of his coos, or the sweetness in his eyes. I want to savor his tiny-ness and his earliest stages as he's on the verge of figuring out the world; yet, I want to jump to an older stage when we can interact in a whole new way and I can figure out what's going on in that seemingly-thoughtful head of his!

Chances are Banner was overstimulated or overtired on that day we couldn't get him to look us in the eyes. He's been all smiles lately and seems to be falling in love with us as much as we are with him. The best is right before he goes to sleep. The past few nights, he just smiles and smiles almost giddy with all the attention he has from Mommy and Daddy. I'm waiting on that laugh. . . it's so close to being a full laugh! He squeals and makes little noises that sound like a laugh, but I wouldn't count it as a full laugh yet. As I see such delight and pleasure in his eyes, I am relieved that maybe that day was just an "off" day. It won't take away the constant worry and concern I have for him, though. Maybe that's why pregnancy begins with such nausea - to prepare you for the belly-turning fear you have for your little ones. Maybe that's why we endure so much pain during pregnancy and labor - to prepare us for the years of torment from worry. It helps get us ready for those moments of pure anxiety as he's about to bump his head, trip on something and fall, cut himself, choke on a piece of food, make the wrong friend, fail a test, drive for the first time, or make the wrong choice. And, just like the trite saying goes, it's so worth it. Being a Mommy - a purely painful pleasure!

Happy Birthday, Sam!!

Sam, we just love you so much! We have been spending the day trying to figure out how to make this day so special for you. We cooked for you, we shopped for you, and we even spent the early hours together so that you could sleep more. We're hoping you enjoyed the special treat that Banner sent to you at work:
We can't wait to spend more and more birthdays with you! We are so thankful for your life and for having you in ours!

Back to Work

I knew it had to happen eventually. I would have to leave Banner for a long stretch of time in order to go back to work. I'm not really "back to work" officially yet. . . or maybe I am, but I'll be taking "maternity leave" after 9 work days at the beginning of the school year. But, today was the first day that I went back to my work role, leaving Banner with my mom for an extended period of time. As I tried to lull him to sleep before I left, tears surprised me - rolling down my face as I looked at my little angel closing his drowsy eyes before I headed out to talk business at a leadership conference to create our school's improvement plan for the year. It was so hard to leave my baby boy to talk about data, goals, and objectives for a year that won't include me staying at home with him. Immediately after leaving Banner, I called Sam on my way to my meeting, and yet again, tears streamed down my face as I scrambled to find something to absorb them. I asked him how he does it everyday - leave Banner to go to work. He said, "I don't have a choice." But, I replied that he does have a choice, and he said that he didn't. The way he looks at it is that there is no choice, and his working provides for Banner. He must work in order to give him all the things he wants him to have. "Maybe I don't look at it like that. Maybe I feel like I do have a choice," I said, as I'm constantly feeling like I could stay at home if we could make that work somehow. Yet, I know that going to work is the best choice for us right now.

Anyway, I hung up with Sam and kept driving, trying to get over my sadness. I knew Banner was in great hands - the best I know! I knew the day would go quickly once I got settled in, and I knew I only had to work 9 days total before going into official "maternity leave." So, I calmed down. . . but, then, once I sat down and said hello to my team, my principal took out the birth announcement I had sent to the school. There was my precious boy in his cute poses being showed off to my peers, and then came the tears again. I was shocked at myself for the continued teary state, but I also didn't want to hold it back and get too worked up. I reminded myself that being in the working world allowed me to provide more for Banner. Throughout the hours of the meeting, I would think of Banner - wondering what he was doing, missing him, wishing I could hold him and getting upset that I wasn't with him. I then would remind myself that being at work was for him.

Again, I only have 8 more days to get through now, but the inevitability of maternity leave ending and having to go back to work for good makes me cringe. I love my job. I love my co-workers. I love the community I work in, and I love the kids I work with. But, leaving my own baby to go be with other peoples' "babies" makes little sense to me at times. I'll have to come to terms with that later on, but for now, I just have to get through 8 more days. 8 more days for now. That's it!

It sounds so simple, but I am not the same employee that left the school building back in June. I'm a mother now - a mommy. That job, in my opinion, comes first. It's my priority, my most important job I'll ever have. So, when I'm at my paid job, it's hard to put my mommy job on hold. And, I want to still be good at what I do - at both of my jobs. I know there's been ongoing discussion about women and whether they can "have it all" by being working mothers. There's so much guilt associated with any choice a parent makes regarding working or not. I'm sure I'll have so much more to say about this topic in future posts. For now, though, all I can say is that it's difficult. . . so hard to give that last hug and kiss to your child to leave him for the day (or however long) to do something important but not nearly as important as that child you're leaving. Let's just hope I can make it through 8 more days without tears!

Two Month Check-Up!

Baby Boy is 8 weeks old now!! Banner had his two month check up with his pediatrician this week, and we are pleased to announce that he is a healthy boy! Here are his stats for now:

-Weight: 10 pounds, 15.5 ounces -- we'll just call this 11 pounds! That means Banner has gained 4 pounds, 3 ounces since birth.

-Height: 22 1/2 inches, which means he has grown 2 and a half inches since his birthday

-Head Circumference: 39 cm (This was our first head measurement, so nothing to compare to yet!)

All of these measurements are the 30th percentile. We were glad to know that everything is pretty proportional, but we were surprised that he wasn't higher on the chart for height. Everyone comments that he is so tall, but apparently - he's not! :) Simply put, if Banner were in a room with 100 other kids his age, he would be taller than only one-third of them.

Banner is still dealing with acid reflux that we're hoping subsides in a couple months or less as his digestive system matures a little more. I'm dealing with all the laundry that comes with the mess of reflux. I'm not sure who has it worse - since Banner is not in any pain with the medication, he's just a "happy spitter" as the doctor calls him! :)

His development is right on track! He's a strong boy, but he has a strong will, too. He loves to look to the right, and for weeks I've been worried about his slightly mis-shaped head, so when we talked to the doctor about it, he suggested we pay more attention to how we feed, change, play with, and position Banner so we are not encouraging the head tilting to the right. I have made a point of doing this from early on - readjusting how I feed him by switching arms, interacting with him on both sides of his head, trying to get him to turn his head to the left when he sleeps, etc., but he just prefers that right side! In fact, every suggestion that is in the pamphlet the doctor gave us - I'm already doing! Good for me, but why is it not working?? So, the doctor taught us a few exercises to do with Banner to loosen the neck muscles. The exercises need to be done 3-5 times a day with three 15 second reps each. Banner HATED these exercises when Dr. B showed us. He WAILED and SCREAMED! He was bright red, poor baby! I just hated that he was so uncomfortable, and I also hate that we're going to have to do these exercises at home and practically torture our kid!

Before we started doing any of these manipulations on a routine basis, the doctor wanted Banner to have a neck X-Ray to make sure there wasn't anything else going on. He was just taking precautions to make sure we wouldn't exacerbate a pre-existing problem.

There's also a slight indention on the right side of Banner's skull. I showed the doctor what I was worried about - a small area about an inch long that dips down a little bit. Since we were already going to get a C-spine X-Ray, he added in a skull X-Ray to make sure everything was alright. Needless to say, this particular addition to the X-Ray agenda scared Sam and me a little. What could be wrong? The doctor just wasn't sure, so he wanted to take a peek inside. Talk about anxiety-provoking!! And, I was so worried about the shots?!

Speaking of shots, Banner had 5 vaccines given to him: 4 shots and 1 oral vaccine. Sam and I were EXTREMELY cautious about the vaccine issue. We have done a lot of research on immunizations, and we were reluctant to give anything to Banner at such a young age. Honestly, this is a whole other blog post for another time, but why would we inject our kid with these chemicals and viruses (some dead, some alive) when he's so little? They tell pregnant women to stay away from this and that, that and this - but then, once that baby is born, they load him up on tons of manufactured medications that have any number of side effects that we're not really sure of! So, weary of the government, the CDC, the drug companies, etc., and scared of the implications this could have for our baby, it's no wonder we did a lot of research and read up on all the literature out there. We're just trying to do the best for our little boy, but nothing really made us feel safe. Again, too much to go into in this particular post, but it almost seems like the doctors and CDC make parents feel just as guilty for not vaccinating as the Nipple Nazis do for not breastfeeding. (More to come on this topic in future posts.) But, we decided to go ahead and get a baseline indication for how Banner would do with these vaccines. We have every intention of giving him all of his immunizations, but we're just not sure on what time-table we want that to happen. We're still not entirely sure that loading up an 11-pound infant with 5 vaccines is necessary, but we did it. We can change our minds about future shots, but we wanted to go ahead and stay "on track" of the recommended vaccine schedule for now. I'm still unsure, and I just hope we made the right choice for Banner. Welcome to Parenting!

Anyway, the shots went well. I held Banner's hands as the nurses gave two shots at the same time in both of his thighs. He cried only when he got the shots, and as soon as I picked him up, he was quiet again. He did great!! I think it was definitely harder on me than it was on him!

Next, we headed over to the radiologist's office to get the X-Rays we needed. Banner was a trooper going through all of these positions that they had him get in with my help. I don't know who had it worse - Banner having to be held down or me having to be the one to do it. Sam had it bad, too, just having to watch the whole thing from the doorway. I stood next to my baby as he screamed and wrestled me for numerous images being made. Finally, it ended, though, and we could go home and relax! It was time to feed Banner, anyway, so as soon as we got in the car, he got his bottle which helped him relax.

Hours later, the doctor called with relieving results. Everything is normal! We'll have his skull rechecked at his four month check-up since they couldn't see anything wrong. I'm still wondering what the little crater is on Banner's head, but no news is good news, right? The doctor is speculating that the space is where the sutures have not calcified yet. So, we'll see what happens in the coming months. Hopefully, it will close up and not be any issue at all!

So, there you have it! Our first big check up since two weeks old! I'm so proud of my little boy. He was put through a lot, and he did a great job! Sam and I were probably more of a mess than Banner was. Worried and concerned . . . our new emotional states as parents! I have to say, my little chat with Banner before all of the medical chaos was helpful (to me, at least)! I told him before we left for the doctor that a) it would be cold in the doctor's office, and b) the shots would hurt. I told him I wouldn't lie to him, but that even though he had to go through the pain, I promised he wouldn't remember a thing. I promised him that it would hurt me more in the long run - that I would hold these memories for him for all of my life and that he wouldn't have to remember anything. I told him the same thing as he went through the X-Ray process. I whispered that I knew it wasn't fun, I knew he was hurting, but I told him that he wouldn't have to remember any of this because I would for both of us. It was just another lesson in parenting - another day on the job. . . because, I know this is part of my job as a parent - to hold the memories, to push back the tears I want to shed FOR him, to not let him see my anxiety and worry, and to cheer him on through all the pain and hurt. So the appointment was a victory on so many levels: clear check-up, parents who survived the tears, and most importantly, a brave, strong, growing Banner!

Getting Out of the House

No, this post is not about cabin fever. It's not about having the courage to face the world with a newborn or with a sleep-deprived appearance. It's merely about the difficulty of just trying to leave the house when you have a baby. Anyone agree? I mean, if I'm going to go somewhere at all, it better be for a darn good reason just because it takes so much time and planning to even get out the door. Here's why:

-Packing a diaper bag takes a lot of thought. Here's my typical thought-process when trying to leave the house: I have to know exactly how long I'll be gone so that I know how many diapers to bring and how much formula to bring (and the special formula that Banner is on right now is currently only sold in the ready-made version, so it has to stay cold once in the bottle). How will I keep that formula cold, especially if I'll be gone for more than one feeding? Will we be back in time for Banner to take his reflux medicine, or should I take it with us? Do I have a blanket? Enough burp rags for my reflux-y baby? Do I have a change (or two) of clothes for him when he spits up or poops all over? Do I have a change of clothes for when he pukes on me? Do I have enough wipes, and are they wet enough still - or did they dry up in my travel case? Do I have at least one toy that I can use to entertain him? Where's his pacifier? What else am I forgetting? Now, where's the infant seat? Okay, ready to go! Oh, wait, I forgot a bib (or two!). Oh, and the camera, because I don't want to miss any great memories. Oh, and my purse (or wallet and phone if I can make do with just those two things on me)! Wait, did Sam put the stroller back in the car after our walk last night?

-Trying to get myself ready also requires a lot of planning. If I can manage to jump in the shower for a quick cleansing, I need to do that when Baby's content, well-fed, or sleeping. When that might actually happen while he's this young and without a predictable schedule - who knows? Suppose I get the pleasure of rinsing my body, the next step is to get dressed quickly. Trying to figure out what actually fits my postpartum body in a somewhat comfortable way is tricky. I better have made that decision the night before, or I'll never get dressed before he wakes up/cries/needs a diaper change/etc. Next, apply make-up. Almost every time I've tried to wear make-up before leaving the house, Banner has disturbed the process. And, you should know, I don't wear a lot of make-up - it's a fairly quick process compared to most people. I don't do the eye shadow or the lipstick. I skip the blush most of the time, so all we're talking about is some base, a little powder, eyeliner, and mascara. I typically get one eye mascara-ed and then have to go tend to Banner. I'm sure I'll leave the house one day without remembering to finish the other eye. Finally, I gotta do something with this hair of mine. I know I could wear it curly, and that would be much easier - but I like it straight - so I have to re-straighten it before I leave the house or it's all over the place trying to undo the straightness and go curly on me. (Oh, and that reminds me - I better make sure to take a hair clip so when I feed Banner and he spits up on me, it won't be in my hair!) Finding the brief opportunities to get all of these things done can make me crazy! I'll run to my bathroom to do one part of this process and then have to run to put the paci back in his mouth, go feed him, calm him down, entertain him, clean up his spit-up, change his diaper, or any other child-care task you can think of! I'm SO worried about going to back to work - I will be a complete mess!

-Getting the baby ready to leave the house also requires thought and planning. Let's just assume that he's not sleeping when we need to leave (which begs the obvious question - is the outing we're going on worth me having to wake him?). What should he wear? Does that still fit him? Is he done pooping yet, or should I wait another minute? Will he be too hot in this? Well, crap, nevermind, he just spit up on this outfit, so I gotta pick another outfit anyway!

-And, most minor at this point, are the thoughts of maintaining my home while gone. Did I set the alarm? Are the lights turned off? Did I put the garage door down? Is the TV off? Did I lock the front door?

So many things to think about just to get in the car and go somewhere! I'm hoping it will get easier as Banner gets on a more somewhat-predictable schedule, as I learn to do things much more quickly than I'm accustomed to (or at least start getting used to the idea of looking more and more like crap when I am in public), and as his reflux gets slightly better (so I don't have to pack special formula or pack a gazillion burp rags, bibs, and extra clothes). I'm proud of myself for getting out of the house as much as I did in the early days and as much as I still try to do. Whether it's been for a doctor's appointment, a play date with another new baby/mom, to run some quick errands, or to visit friends and family, we've been busy out of the house! As much effort as it takes to leave the house, it's important (in my opinion) to maintain a life outside of my home and to try to look like I belong to the human race. Every evening I try to "reset" and get prepared for the following outing, but inevitably, I still have to go through this thought-process on a daily basis. I tell you what. . . it may be more tiring than the midnight feedings!

A Moment He'll Never Remember, A Meeting I'll Never Forget

My Social Smiler!!

Between four and five weeks old, Banner flashed his first social smile. Sam and I could see it coming - knowing that he just looked like he wanted to smile! His eyes had a different light to them when we'd kiss on him. One day, it happened - and I missed it! His first social smile was for his daddy. Sam told me about it, though: Sam was kissing Banner's cheeks, one after the other, making a high-pitched humming tune while he did this. The next day, I tried something similar and, lo and behold, I got my first smile from my son! It was beautiful, and since then, we've seen more and more of this happy face as he's gotten the hang of how to show us he's a pleased boy! His smiles come most easily when talking to him, singing to him, or kissing him over and over again while saying, "Mwah!" or "Gotcha!" His best time for smiling is early morning when we sing our morning songs and when he's on the changing table. While he still smiles involuntarily in his sleep, we know the smiles below are real as Banner's eyes light up and his dimples deepen. I'm sure a laugh is headed our way SO soon; just like I knew the smile was coming, there have been numerous times when I know Banner wants so badly to laugh or squeal in delight. I can't wait! In the meantime, I'll take these adorable smiles all I can!

Learning to Love Three AM

I am a good sleeper - always have been. I have a pretty easy time falling asleep and staying asleep. I'm pretty good at sleeping in, too - in fact, I know my friends would tell you that - I've been notorious for being a late sleeper since early high school. I just love cuddling up so snug under covers with soft pillows to hug on to while my body relaxes and my mind snoozes. I would also say my worst part of every work day is the mere waking up early. I know I'm not alone in loving my sleep; it was THE thing all parents we knew told us to savor and get as much of as we could before Banner was born.

Oh, dear, sacred Sleep - how I miss you! I've actually had to mourn my good sleep. I knew going into this whole "kid thing" that not only would I not get nearly as much sleep as I was used to getting all of my life, but also the quality of my sleep would be greatly impacted as I would hear every minor noise my baby made. My friends with kids all told me these things, and I knew from even helping with my niece and nephew when they were born that the first months of parenting a newborn would be nightmarish when it came to getting any sleep. In addition, there's that old saying to "sleep when the baby sleeps," which is just insane. Any new mom or dad who has tried that knows it's just not possible. You could MAYBE get away with taking one nap while Baby naps, but more than that and you either have another adult to help you or you just don't get anything else done around the house. I'm fine with not getting anything done around the house, but it's kind of embarrassing that my house is a complete disaster during this period of time when my growing family has suddenly become so popular - with guests coming over any hour of the day. (Not complaining - love the company - but can't stand having to try to keep up with my messy daycare-of-a-house!) I should also mention that I can't even begin to shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair, get out of my pajamas, or put on make-up UNLESS my baby is sleeping - so if I nap when he's napping, just forget even trying to look somewhat decent. If I nap when he's napping, I wouldn't get bills paid, dishes washed, clothes laundered, body cleaned, dinner made, bladder emptied, belly fed, or blog written! :) I wouldn't have any time for myself at all - to catch up with friends and family, to find out what's going on in the world outside my house, to read my parenting books/emails, or to even make bottles for the day!
My dad asked me a couple weeks ago if I was bored while I was being a "stay-at-home-mom" this summer. Ha! He obviously has never done this (well, duh!, but you get my point!). How could I be bored with all these things I have to try to accomplish when Banner is merely sleeping! When he's awake, there's plenty to do - feed, change, play, cuddle, soothe, etc. So, bored? No, absolutely not! Tired and exhausted? Yes!

So, like I was saying, I'm mourning my good sleep. I know it will get better, but never will I have the kind of sleep on a regular basis that I'm so accustomed to having. Maybe on a vacation, maybe as a special treat when Sam takes over, maybe in 18+ years... but, I have to say "Sianara" to such delicious sleep! In fact, a couple weeks after we brought Banner home from the hospital, I had a rather obvious epiphany that killed my sleep hopes. I used to think to myself on a very busy work week, "You can sleep in this weekend; just wait til this weekend, and you can relax and sleep!" That devastating thought after feeling so overwhelmingly sleep-deprived was, "There is no 'this weekend.'" Just like there is no summer, spring, or winter break - there is no long weekend or holiday where I'll get to look forward to sleeping in. Even once I get to sleep longer hours when Banner starts to sleep through the night (soon, please?!), I'm still at his beck and call about what time I will have to wake up. He's my new alarm clock, telling me when I need to be up-and-at-'em!

Given this new norm I have to get used to, I'm trying to stop mourning the lack of sleep and embrace my new lifestyle. These are the days of child-rearing and spending the best kind of quality time with my baby while he's still a baby. SO, I'm learning to love my midnight time with my boy. Instead of cringing when I hear him stir and start to cry to be fed at night, I am starting to look forward to holding him, rocking him, soothing him, and looking into each others' eyes. I have a new take on it (for survival's sake??): my baby will only be this little each day. Each day I'm with him is the youngest I'll know him at that time - it's the littlest he'll be and each day is the first day of the rest of his life. As he gets older, he'll stop letting me hold him so long. One day, he'll tell me not to kiss him goodbye in front of his friends. One day, he'll be at school all day long. One day, he'll go away to sleep-away camp, and I'll miss those late-night feedings. One day, he'll be out all night with his friends and get home later than I can stay up. One day, he'll drive away to college, and I'll miss my baby. One day, I'll want to hold him tight and cuddle him, and he won't want me to because he's too big. So, while he can't talk back or push me away - I'm embracing how much he wants me to hold him, how much he wants my attention, how much I'm needed in his life, and how much he'll let me cuddle him. I have to get over my lack of sleep and look forward to those little moments of just the two of us alone in his room, rocking in the glider, staring at each other, holding hands, and drowsily loving each other as we continue to learn and get to know each other. I'm learning to love 3 AM and waking up for the day to sing my happy morning songs to my little man. I'm actually starting to get excited at 6 or 7 AM to see the biggest smiles; he truly brightens my day - and for now, my nights!