Dear Leslie (5)

Dear Leslie,
5 years. Feels like we could have just spoken yesterday, but it's been 5 whole years. Five whole years of you missing birthday parties, holidays, dinners, pictures, phone calls, movies, and now TWO grandsons you never got to meet. We welcomed Knox Morgan this year, and you missed it. You missed football games and soccer games. You missed helping us move into our new home. You missed entertaining the kids and sleepless nights, helping cook dinner, and watching the kids while Sam and I work. There are times I am so angry about all that, and there are times my heart breaks for you. But, mostly, it breaks for Sam and my boys who wonder what life would be like if you were still around.

The questions and curiosity that come from Banner are increasing. The other night, I overheard Banner asking Sam all about you - how he found out about your death, the last night you two had been together - and all about West Side Story :). I absolutely love when you come up in conversation. You aren't far from our minds, but when your name is mentioned and we talk about you, I feel like you aren't far from our lives. I love that Banner wants to know about you and bring you along with him through life. And, I know Sam loves it, too.

When we were leaving our house on Darion, you were very much on our minds. First of all, as we took down little "chotchkies" around the house, we thought of you: the little figurines, the pictures you are in, the dishes, the gifts... and then the little shelf you made for Banner before he was born. Sam took that off the wall and found a note you had written on the back of it - to your then-unborn grandson. It was like you were speaking to him again. And later, as Sam and I stood in the doorway of the entryway, we hugged our last hug in that house. I could tell he was emotional, and we both just teared up. He let go a little, and I knew exactly what was on his mind. It was powerful, as if you really were with us in that moment, and we realized we would lose a piece of you all over again by not living in the house where your memory is so very alive: the night you came speeding to the house to help me when Sam fainted after wisdom teeth surgery, the way you laughed (and it pissed us off!) when Banner wouldn't stop crying as we changed his first diaper after his circumcision, the time you brought Miles over to visit Banner and showed up with various trinkets and a poster Miles made, the night you stayed awake all night long making sure Sam was okay after his accident, helping me bake challah on the icy day your heat went out, answering Caden's questions about smoking while standing in the backyard during Sam's party after he passed the bar exam, watching you walk in to the surprise party we hosted for your 30th anniversary celebration..."Your mom?" I knowingly asked. And he nodded. "She's with us. She knows where we're going," I told him. And whether you are here in spirit at our new home or not, you are definitely a part of it. You'd love our sukkah we built. You'd love the boys' rooms. You'd love watching Banner play on the playground during recess from our backyard. (In fact, I'm pretty sure you'd be annoyingly interested in watching him play!) You'd probably be bringing over wall hangings or small pieces of furniture to put around our house, saying we needed this or that and to stop being such "minimalists," and I'd get frustrated because our tastes are so different.

5 years later, I'm still so sure of how things would be with you around. And, we still wish we could talk to you about our crazy, busy lives. There are still so many times we want to share something with you but can't. And, you'd still be so proud of your boy. Sam is the best husband to me. He is the best father to our sons. He has a temper I know you helped contribute to, but he's learning to be more patient. He's a hard worker and so good to his clients. He treats everyone he meets with the utmost respect, and he is a man of his word. He's fun and affectionate and interested and devoted... I could go on and on. You know these things, I know. But, I don't get to tell you or show you how great he is, so I feel like saying it. If a wife could give her husband a report card that he could run and show his Mommy, his would have A's all over it! You really would be so very impressed with him. Your little guy grew up, and he's one hell of a grown up!

And his children adore him. They light up when he walks in from work. Knox can't even finish eating without needing Daddy to pick him up. He at least needs to see him the minute he hears his voice come in the door. Quinn wants to dress just like him, and Banner wants to show off anything he learned to Daddy. And, you would just EAT UP how much everyone says Quinn looks like Sam. To be honest, though, I don't see Sam. I see you. I always have. Bits of you shine through those eyes, even though they are bluer than blue. The expressions he makes, he is so your little grandson. And you would have ADORED this. I have a feeling he might have been your favorite because of that. But, you'd tell each of them that they are your best friend, and you'd whisper it so no one hears your dirty little secret that you say this to all 5 of your grandsons.

I know you, Leslie. A gazillion hours on the phone with you throughout college and on helped with that. The 15 years that I knew you and shared in your family helped with that. You were a talker, and I am a listener, and I have no doubt I'm right about how things would be if you were still alive. You should know you are a huge contributing factor to why I write every little thing. I want my kids to know me, know my memories of them, and have as much of me as I can give to them after I am gone. You taught me how short life can be and how unexpectedly life can change. I often look at your death through Sam's eyes and never want my children to have to lose me - at all, really - but definitely not as suddenly as we all lost you. And, I'd love for them to know me as well as I know you, so they will never question what I would have told them or how I would respond to something. Rest assured, we got you - and you are still so very much with us.

Missing you today and always,
Amber

8-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
Instead of boring you with lots of prose, I'm going to just cut to the chase for this month's update! Let's call this update: 8 FAVES at EIGHT! These are my favorite things about you as you turn 8 months old:

1. Dancing: You love to rock back and forth on all fours if a song comes on and you are mid-crawl. Or, if you are pulled up on something and hear music, you will bounce a bit.

2. Humming: Along those same lines of loving music, if I sing a song to you, you will start trying to hum along! I love it!  It's very recent that we've even noticed that you do this, but Daddy and I both have noticed when Quinn watches Daniel Tiger or if anyone is singing, you seem to want to join in and will hum with us. Last night, I was singing Lechi Lach with Banner in the kitchen, and you were humming with us. As I noticed you were doing that, I started swaying a little with you on my hip, and you put your head back and closed your eyes, almost as if you were embracing the music! And, I'm not positive, but I also think you're trying to match pitch! I can't wait to see if this love of music continues!

3. Eating: You've gotten so great at feeding yourself Cheerios, Mum Mums, and Puffs, munching on the little nets with bits of banana or peach or avocado in them, drinking water from your sippy or straw cups, or sucking on apple slices. You much prefer independent eating to the baby food I spoon feed you, but you take everything well for now. There were a couple of weeks that you significantly dropped ounces in your bottle, but we're getting back on track slowly! I think you just weren't as hungry for a bottle with so much loving of food!

4. Cruising: You're all over the place, buddy! A speed crawler who has become quite quick to pull-up on anything and everything, you now know how to navigate around objects - the kitchen cabinets, the coffee table, the couch, me! While every now and then, you can take a tumble backwards and bonk your head on the wood floor, you are quick to calm and generally ready to go again a few minutes later after some TLC. You've even learned how to take that brave step from the couch to the coffee table and back again. You are one courageous little guy... but as I was reminded by pulling up Quinn's 8-month post, this is the time when bumps and bruises make a strong debut. You fell standing at the side of the couch last week and made a head dive into the window sill. A big forehead bruise appeared moments later. Oh, do be careful, Baby Love. So so scary all this risk-taking! The stairs are a huge interest for you, too... and just in the past few days, we've seen you pull yourself up on the steps - just ready to climb up those boogers. We have an estimate from the baby proofer about all these areas that you are drawn to (fire place is another biggie), but we haven't scheduled yet! It should have happened right when we moved in, but - well, life.

5.You're starting to really comprehend what we're saying to you. You turn to your name, and just the other day, you crawled away from your bottle, and when I said, "Do you want more?" you turned around and came toward me to snuggle in for more of its contents.

6. A TOOTH! The teeniest, tiniest little bit of a bottom right tooth is making its first appearance just this weekend! After a week of horrible sleep and pooping up a storm so badly you have a red rashy tush, we figured this may be the case. Swollen gums told us this might be the issue, but after nights of endless hours of crying and nothing we did soothed you, we had to let you cry it out. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But, geez, those nights were/are AWFUL! It was/is during those nights - and ONLY during those nights - that I was seriously wishing there was a return policy for infants.

7. Splashing: One evening last week you discovered that the water in your tub pops up if you hit it. Daddy and I watched with such joy as you enjoyed your new ability to splash! We let the kitchen floor get sopping wet, as Daddy and I looked at each other knowing we would have NEVER let your older brothers make such a mess! But, it was so fun to watch you experiment playfully with the water.

8.Tag-Along: You LOVE your brothers and copy them on anything you can. If they are singing, you will try to hum the tune. If they are yelling and chasing, you are right behind them trying to keep up and making your own sweet yell. You LOVE for me to pick you up and hold you out in front of me to "chase" them around the house. You'll giggle up a storm when you "get" them or they "get" you. You adore their attention, and they like helping you. Banner, especially, is quite a helper with you - making sure you don't fall down, redirecting you, playing with you, and being silly just to get a smile from you. Quinn is still unsure of your permanence in our household, but he loves to give you kisses and TRY to play with you. (Soon you two will be best buds, and you don't even know the difference or seem to mind at all, but for now, he's a little too rough with you for my liking!)

Knox Morgan, I love you with all my heart. I wish you would sleep better, Little Dude, but otherwise, you are one easy-going baby. Lately, you have grown so attached to us. Daddy is definitely your person of choice lately - you are very enthralled with him. When he gets home from work and you hear his voice, you will no longer pay attention to your dinner I'm feeding you - you must see him right away and have him pick you up! This is just one example of how you long for his attention and affection. But, you're still a mama's boy, and I love that you love me and know that I love you. You're giving kisses and waving; you're interested in your friends at play dates (with Wyatt, with Elan, with Skylar), you're drawn to a screen; you hate the changing table (but a paci helps a lot), you love your days with BeeBee and with Grandma, you are babbling quite a bit ("mamamama" is my favorite of course!), and you hate getting dressed. I love learning about you and seeing each day bring a new trick or talent. These next few months will bring great change, I already know. Walking is the next big step  ... no pun intended. :) Take your time, Baby Love. Your brothers will wait for you, and I will, too.

I love you so very much!
Happy 8 Months!
Love,
Mommy

Leaving Darion

We've lived at our new house for about 2 and a half months already! I've been meaning to publish this final post about our last few days and nights on Darion Lane, but time and life -- it just keeps going too quickly for me to settle for a minute to breathe and reflect. And, perhaps there is a part of me that keeps putting off the reality of saying goodbye to a home I loved so much. It's true I wanted to move for years! But, the timing was never right, or we were waiting for the market to be what we wanted, or the idea of having to "show" our house was exhausting. And, then suddenly, time fell into place and circumstances became perfect. We had certainly outgrown our cozy home, and with three boys who continue to acquire more things, take up more space, and want some elbow room, we knew it was time. The hail storm in March was a blessing in disguise; we were able to get a new roof, new gutters, paint some, etc, and it would (mostly) all be done in perfect time to list the house and get Banner situated before he started Kindergarten. It was "now or never," so to speak!

In addition, the more memories I made on Darion, the more connected I became, and the less likely I would be to ever move. I love that all three of my boys were brought home from the hospital there and spent those endless days and nights of newbornhood in that quaint set-up. I love that I rocked all of those babies in the same nursery. I love the memories we all created, and that I have countless images in my head of my little ones so small in every room and space of that house. But, I'm also glad I still have a baby in my new house, that my boys are still in the thick of their youth with myriad of memories still to be made in a new home.

And, I LOVE our new house. I do. At first, I was tentative and reluctant to like it - especially when, upon closing and showing the boys their new home, we had an A/C leak that marked up the downstairs kitchen ceiling WHILE we were there - only hours after signing the papers! What a horrible welcome it was; but I've come to see it as the house's way of saying, "Whatcha gonna do about THIS?!" as a test of how committed we are to taking care of this new part of our family. Our home. Yet, it isn't home just yet. There are days when I long for my home only four minutes away. There are days I feel like I'm just visiting someone else's house, and I'm ready to go back to my own place. But, with time and updates and energy spent on fixing up this awesome house, I think we are settling in quite nicely, and one day, hopefully soon, it will feel like home.

So, as I go ahead and make this a formal goodbye, I want to reflect on our goodbye to our home:

Banner and Quinn had been counting down the days - for better or worse - til the move. We were packing endlessly, and eventually when it came down to the wire, random items were being tossed in unorganized boxes just to get the job done already! Our garage was full of boxes and furniture ready for movers. Our clothes were ready to be lifted off the closet rods and schlepped over to the new house with the help of several amazing friends.

Closing day, a Friday, went very well. Banner and Quinn were in camp, and Knox was with my mom, so Sam and I were able to go to closing all by ourselves. The bittersweetness of the whole meeting was the joy and pride I felt in selling my own home, the house I had bought all on my own while simultaneously fearing we were making a huge mistake. What if the new house was a dud? What if our happiest days are behind us in the only home we've ever known as a family?

Those feelings quickly went away as we got back home and tried to get ready to move (we had the weekend to complete the move and had to fully be out by Monday). We picked Banner up from camp and went to our new house to show the kids around. It was awesome. They loved it - the stairs were a favorite! They liked the big open rooms, seeing their bedrooms for the first time, having their own bathrooms, and being able to see Banner's school on the other side of our alley. Other than the A/C leaking (which I shouldn't down play; it was a HUGE problem for me and continued to be a problem as the dripping water that made a mess on the ceiling also wreaked havoc on the brand new carpet the following morning! I'm not sure I've cried like that in a long time!), things were great.

The move went very smoothly - even with high temps at the very end of July! I was a trooper in the heat I hate so much! :) The last night at the house was Saturday night. I measured the boys one last time in their nursery closet. We bathed the boys altogether in their bathtub. There were tears as I put Knox down to bed (actually at nap, too, earlier in the day). It would be the last night I put a baby to sleep in that room, in that house. I sat between Banner & Quinn's beds shortly after that, holding each of their hands in mine, wanting to soak in that moment forever. Both my big boys in the same room, in the room they learned to sleep in big boy beds, in the room they learned to be room mates in - room mates they may never have again. Sam and I weren't overly emotional that night really - - that would come later.

Sunday was moving day. It was chaotic but structured. It was fast but long! It came and went, and later that night after the kids were asleep at Grandma & Papa's house, Sam and I went back to clean up. I've never cleaned that house so well. Completely empty, it was easy to vacuum and sweep. And, I felt like I wanted every last bit of dust and dirt to be captured, like it was the last mitzvah I could do for this house, to let her shine the way I knew she could and had been wanting to since my kids were born! I remember vacuuming feeling like I couldn't clean enough. In each room, I reflected as the vacuum hummed loudly. I could recall the voices, the smiles, the laughter, the hugs, the hand prints, the tantrums, the love making, the stories told, the kisses, the tempers, the lengthy talks, the shows watched, the friends over, the mistakes, the arguments... the stories that lived in those rooms were ingrained in my head. I was sweating while I wiped down cabinets and counter tops, cleaned toilets and faucets... But I felt like I couldn't leave anything untouched.

On Monday, again, we picked Banner up from camp and went back to Darion to say our final goodbye. We prepared a letter for the new owner, arranged some colorful flowers for her and her boys, left a welcome gift for her (a mezuzah) and for her boys (an art project), and set out the keys, remotes, and manuals for the house and appliances. Then, we asked the boys to walk through the house with us to make sure we didn't leave anything. I wanted them to see that we had taken ALL of their things with us (at least so if we ever lost anything during the move, they wouldn't think we forgot it at Darion). We checked every last cabinet and closet. And then, I took a few pictures of them in their empty rooms. That's when I started to tear up a little. I walked in to my bedroom one last time, and the boys followed Sam and me. Sam and I hugged silently, and that's when Banner asked to take a picture of us in our room. And he did. Quinn wanted to know why I was crying, and he made silly faces to try to cheer me up. Sam and I were both teary, and we told the boys that we were going to miss that house, that we loved it there and that's where we became a family so it would be hard to leave.

Then, Banner and I walked Sam, Quinn, and Knox to the front door because his car was waiting out front, and we were going to lock ourselves out of the house. We stood in the entryway just hugging for a while. I could tell Sam was pretty emotional, and I knew exactly why. "Your mom?" He nodded. "She's with us. She knows where we're going," I reassured him. He nodded. We cried. And, with that, he walked away from the house.

Banner and I locked the door, and then Banner and I hugged in the den. In between the play room and the den, Banner teared up as we rocked. He said, "Mommy, I'm going to miss living here so much." I just held him and told him how I would too, but that we had a lot of new memories to make in our new house. And, just like a 5-year-old boy - he was over it pretty quickly! We were leaving the garage moments later for the last time. As I reversed into the alley, I could only feel that we were leaving something behind, like we had forgotten something. But, I knew we hadn't. It was just that we were leaving Darion.

Last bath

Look how big this first baby has gotten! In Banner's first room!

In Quinn's first room!

In Knox's first room... love the way you can see the crib slats on the wall

First picture outside our new house!

I love this one. One day we'll look back at this picture and think, "Look how little they were!!"

Favorite 3rd Year Memories: Quinn

-Your Lego party was a blast! The cake, the chalk favors, the decor that Daddy and Banner put so much effort and love into, the company and the fun in the pool.

-My Gym classes with you all year. SO much fun. I loved watching your development - from not being able to jump very well to being the best jumper; playing with Bailey (a friend we only knew from our My Gym classes) and watching you two "grow up" throughout the months you spent there; your confidence and ability growing with each class.

-Your "glad dance" when I picked you up from school in September last year - finally happy and not crying

-How you SO want to be like Banner, copying every little thing he does

-Our day at the Fair and how you said, "Daddy keep me safe?" when you saw a big roller coaster you thought we were going on (which we totally wouldn't anyway!)

-Harmonizing peek a boo at dinner as an entire family - yes, weirdos! (October)

-Your Thanksgiving program last year ("There's a turkey on my head on my head.")

-Dancing silly and doing our own little dances to the French cancan

-The way you danced from one room to the next at Legoland

-Introducing you to Knox and how curious you were about him

-Your face in the midnight moonlight as you looked out my bathroom window and said, "Mommy, I see the moon!" after a bathroom visit

-Dancing and singing to "super trouper" ("shoo bop bop, shoo bop bop!")

-The sweet things you have said this year: "Mommy, you win the crown for beautiful mommy," or "Banner I'm going to miss you so much. I don't want you to spend the night out."

-How you run to me at the end of your school day saying, "Mommy!!!!" with a little skip in your step.

-The hay maze at Big Orange Pumpkin Farm