Journey to the Knot: Goodbye, Preschool!

Dear Banner,
Before last Thursday night, I was thinking the end of your preschool experience would be easy on me. I actually wondered if I was doing okay based on my flippancy over the whole ordeal. I am usually so emotional, and I kept wondering why I wasn't more teary or sentimental over it all. Perhaps I've been so busy with everything else going on (Knox's naming, the end of the school year, planning 2 showers and a birthday party, home repairs, and possibly putting our house up for sale!), that maybe I just didn't have the energy to devote to the thoughts of the big transition about to happen to my firstborn. Or, maybe I wouldn't allow myself. But then, Thursday night came, and as I tucked you in and cuddled in bed with you, it hit me. The following day would be your last Shabbat at school. I felt two big feelings: guilt that I wouldn't be able to be with you and sadness that it all came so quickly. The realization that we'd never sit at YOUR Shabbat together again, the memories of so many Shabbats in the past, the presentations that have gone on the past 3 school years for so many Fridays, those special moments with you in my lap or at my side feeling connected with our Jewish community and the togetherness of friends and family... it was a little overwhelming, and then the tears began.

The strong urge to hold tight to this tender, innocent time in your life is debilitating almost. Knowing that there is literally nothing I can do to stop time or slow it down is heart-wrenching. The image I so-often have is of me trying to gather up sand that keeps slipping away from me no matter how fast I'm clawing for it or how big I scoop it up. Too soon these days of you being my little boy will be gone, and I know it. So, I try with all my might to savor it and memorize it. In fact, just last week, you sat on the playroom floor with me - Quinn on my other side and Knox right in front of me in his NapNanny while I fed him. I said to all of you, "Everyone just look at each other. Remember this moment. Remember Banner sitting here - 4 years old. Remember Quinn - 2 years old, and Knox just a little baby. Look at each other. Remember this." I just wanted to take in the moment and hope that you and Quinn could too. I know I'm being a little ridiculous hoping for that, but it's what I want - the memories, the visions of us, the capturing of your sweet faces and voices and words and soft hands in mine...

So, yes, it's hit me now. I have a feeling that every May will be rough as I realize another school year has passed and my boys are growing up. Each end of a school year represents another lap of childhood complete, and while it's all wonderful stuff, it's just kind of hard to let you keep growing up! But, we've made the most of this school year - probably the easiest of all the years ahead. You and Quinn were in the same school, which won't happen again for a few years. For a little over half the year, it was just you and Quinn before we added a baby brother to the mix. You'll be in fifth grade by the time Knox starts Kindergarten, and knowing how fast YOU got to Kindergarten, I know that will feel like the blink of an eye!

This was a big year for you, and I'm so very proud of how you handled it, Angel Baby. We switched schools, you took care of Quinn, you learned Spanish and Hebrew, you learned how to write better than ever, and you learned how to READ. You gained even more knowledge about the Jewish holidays and traditions, and you made some great friends! You fell in love again (not sure which lovely young lady you love more now - Addy or Julia). Your artwork developed, your ability to sit still in circle time increased, and you gained confidence to believe in your answer (although we are still working on this!). You gave awesome presentations and had your acting debut as Uncle Mordecai in the Purim play. You learned to listen to your teachers better and to not argue with consequences. And throughout the year, you taught US so much!

This afternoon when you got home (Melissa, Bree, and Alexis dropped you off), the little boys were napping, which gave us a great opportunity to have our typical one-on-one time for at least a few minutes. I sat on the little stool in the kitchen, and I held you close. I told you how proud I am of you - and we reflected on your preschool experiences. I shared with you how I was feeling before you started the 2's class with Ms. Betty and Ms. Jennifer. I wondered if you would eat your food, would you play nicely, would everyone be nice to you, would you sit in circle time, would you be okay when I left the classroom each morning? And we reflected on how far you've come. We talked about what wonderful things the teachers say about you and how much you've grown. We talked about all the amazing teachers you've had - naming Ms. Betty, Ms. Jennifer, Ms. Hedy, Ms. Michelle, Ms. Florence, Ms. Rhonda, Ms. Suzanne, Ms. Lisa, Mr. Abo, Ms. Shellee, Ms. Judy, Ms. Rachel, Ms. Sandi, Ms. Yael. I'm glad we had that little chat - to just capture the meaningfulness of these past few years of your life - the foundation of your education and Jewish identity in these early years.

This evening, as I ironed your shirt for your celebration dinner at school, I thought back to how proud I am of Daddy and me for being able to provide these experiences for you. Preschool is no cheap expense... in fact, we've paid a cost that is slightly ridiculous for a little person! But, I'm glad we've made the choices we did, and I'm so happy that you were able to have these amazing times with great friends and teachers. You were cared for so well, you thrived in the schools you've grown to love and consider a home away from home, and you will take the many lessons you learned with you into the big world of Kindergarten and on.

Oh, such bittersweetness, Angel. I'm so grateful that you are healthy and able to go to Kindergarten - that you are learning and growing and developing and aging as you should. But, it's so hard to let you go and grow! As I sat on the couch this rainy afternoon, I fed Knox his bottle while you sat next to us. The irony of him so little next to you so big now... it pulls at my heartstrings. You were this little just yesterday it seems. And now you are my big boy, ready to graduate preschool in the blink of an eye - and I know how fast these years are going.... and it's only going to go faster! But, I'm one lucky mama to be along for the ride with you!

Your graduating ("celebration") class sang a song tonight where the line "Do I make you proud?" kept repeating. The answer, sweet boy, is always! I love you more than you could ever know, and I will always be your biggest fan no matter what.

Here's to a great last day of preschool tomorrow! Savor it. I know I will!
Love,
Mommy