News from a Workin' Mama

I'm back at work. I hate it. I like my job, but I hate working. Does that make any sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is I hate working, but if I have to work, I'm glad I work where I do. I love my coworkers, and I love the community I work in. I'm trying so hard to look at any bright sides of being a working parent, but the brightest part of my day is being with Banner, so it's rough trying to find anything to beat that. It's really hard to be a working parent, but I'm learning it's actually much harder to be a working mom. I never thought I'd say that - the feminist in me is screaming at me right now - but there's something about that maternal feeling that is so powerful. It's so hard to be away from the little boy I have built such a deep, strong bond with for 5 straight months. I'm more than grateful for the 5 months I had with him - much more time than other working moms get - but no amount of time would be sufficient. Again, I keep trying to look for the positives in this situation, and there are some, but nothing really compares to being available for my son every minute of his days at this early age.

So, what are some of those highlights? I figure if I write them out, maybe it will help me buy into them a little more. Maybe on those awful days where I can't stand being in my office, or in a meeting, or answering that phone call, or dealing with a difficult child, I can reread this blog post and help me through a day that could otherwise end up in me turning in my resignation papers!

1. Working allows Banner the time with another caregiver so he can learn that he is worthy of love from people other than Sam and me. Someone else will get to love my child, and Banner will learn that other people care about him.
2. Income. . . enough said, really... but more resources will help us provide many opportunities for Banner. Not that money and "things" will make Banner a better person, but having the chance to take him places, providing experiences for him, and feeling secure financially will be better for the whole family.
3. I get the chance to socialize with other adults.
4. I get to help other children.
5. Banner will learn that his mommy is important to other people and not just to him. He'll learn that I worked hard to get where I am in my career and that higher education is important.
6. Later when he's in daycare, he'll learn how to socialize even more with other babies/kids (he loves other babies already!), and he'll get some immunities from all of their germs.  His language development will benefit from exposure to other kids and adults as well.
7. Banner will get the chance to cope with change; he'll get to play with other toys; he'll learn that Mommy and Daddy always come back for him.

So, that's my list so far. I know these are all positive, beneficial things on my list, but I could make an equally supportive list for staying at home with Banner and NOT working. I could also describe a flip-side to most of the above items. It's going to be a constant decision; I'm going to have to grapple with this decision almost daily, I know. Other working moms I work with tell me that there will be some days when I can't wait to get to work, and there will be days (more often) that I can't stand what I'm doing and wish I were with my little one. I've also been told that no matter when Banner reaches a milestone for the first time, the first time he does it for ME is the first time it happened. The only time it really counts is when I witness it for the first time. (The control freak in me has a problem with this idea because I'll never really know when he mastered something for the first time, but I guess I'll be so excited to see whatever he's doing the first time I see it that it won't matter if he's done it 2 or 3 times before.)

It's just an overwhelming change, and I'm sure I'll get used to it soon. So many people do this every day; I know I'm not alone; I know I'm not any different from these other parents that work outside the home. But, when you're the one going through it - none of that matters. It's all about me and it's all about Banner, and it's all about how I'm going to deal with this change and start accepting it. It will be fine, I know. It will work itself out. I've just never been good with change, and I don't know that I'll ever be good at being away from my baby.