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I walk through Party City, looking for the Hanukkah decorations. I pass the rows and rows of Christmas and New Year's Eve items, stopping briefly to contemplate buying my kids some reindeer antlers or Santa hats so they'll have something to wear to school when all the other kids will participate in the theme days counting down to winter break. Deciding not to, I continue looking for the Hanukkah aisle, and I find what I'm looking for on a small aisle and end cap. I just need some Hanukkah plates for our party this week. My options are pretty meager, so I round the corner just to make sure that I'm not missing any other choices. I turn around and come back towards the pathetic selection, and I feel an enormous sense of dread as I stop to pick out some plates. I don't want anyone to see me. A male employee is shelving some costumes behind me and pauses to ask if I need help. I smile quickly at him and say, "No, thank you. I'm good." Then a customer asks the employee a question. Meanwhile, the loudness in my head is saying, "Amber! Go, go, go. Quick, get out of this section! Yep, I'm the Jew here. Everyone come take a look. There's a JEW in the store." But, I quietly and calmly move to the blue decor to select utensils and cups - a safer place in the store, unless the items in my cart are visible to others. And now I have to check out. I turn the items upside down so the cashier can more easily scan the barcodes. But really, I'm hiding my plates and the one little silly Hanukkah headband I bought so maybe one of my kids will choose to participate in the theme days. "Thank you," I say to the cashier after he bags my items, and I head to my car wondering what awful things he is thinking about me. 

This is what it's like in my head these days as a Jewish person. I've always been proud of who I am, and I've taught my kids to do the same. But, lately, hearing the increased antisemitic rhetoric that's been in our faces all my life since October 7th, I'm just not sure where I'm safe to show I'm Jewish. I tell myself that no one in that store was thinking anything negative at all, but then I wonder if it matters what they are thinking. The fact that I even wonder or feel less-than is the problem. 

Jews around the world are having discussion after discussion - both with their community members and within themselves - about what is going on in Israel. I'm no rabbi or Jewish scholar, but I am an educated Jew - grew up going to Sunday School from Consecration to Confirmation, attended or worked at Jewish summer camps every.single.summer from preschool through college, had a bat mitzvah, lived at a Jewish sorority house, spent 4 years deeply active in a Jewish youth group in high school, had a foundation of observing traditions and holidays at home with family, spent 6 weeks traveling in Israel, have been to numerous Holocaust museums, heard first-hand stories from family members who survived the ghettos and the camps in Poland, sit on committees at my Temple, and have experienced every life cycle event rooted in Jewish tradition. Yet, I have so many questions about what is going on in Israel, feel deeply confused, and struggle with the internal conflict I'm feeling as an American Jew. I've attended 4 organized discussions about Israel in order to help myself understand, and I still am not sure what to think. 

Some of my questions have been answered, others remain. I'm finding myself so sick of this subject, but I can't look away. I'm not allowed to as a Jew. I have a need (rooted in anxiety) to know as much as I can in order to feel in control, and yet I can't control any of this situation. Therefore, I'm never satisfied. I need to know what to tell my kids. I need to know what they might hear or see. I need to be able to understand "both sides" of this conflict so I can understand what people are talking about - or why they're not talking at all. 

Why ARE they not talking at all? What is it I'm not understanding? What is so hard about condemning terrorism? What is so wrong about publicly stating that what happened in Israel on October 7th is pure evil? Why are people not speaking up for my people? I can't NOT say something, so how is it so easy for some people to stay quiet??

I'm part of a mental health advisory board at my Temple. At the end of our last meeting, we were asked to state one feeling we were having given the current situation in Israel. Here are the words I heard: confused, anger, lonely, unsupported, conflicted, worried, unsafe, mad, panic, hopeless, ignored, shock, helpless, horrified, shattered, fractured. This is how our community is feeling. 

We can't NOT discuss it. Everyone else seems to be able to just go on with their lives, unmoved by the disastrous events taking place where nearly every Jew knows someone who's been affected personally by the events of October 7th and the aftermath. We talk about Zionism - what is it and is it okay to be unsure how we feel about it? We talk about Israeli politics - do we agree with Netanyahu? We talk about how our kids are coping - are they feeling safe at school, at home, in public? We learn about Hamas together. We share things we've heard. We discuss what is meant by various people shouting "ceasefire," "from the river to the sea, Palestine will be free," and "free Palestine." We share our thoughts about keffiyehs and Palestinian flags being worn at school, what constitutes hate speech vs freedom of speech, and what our administrators should be doing to protect our Jewish kids. We evaluate Israel's response and what we think should happen next. We question the "Kidnapped" posters all over our young neighborhood, wondering if that's really the way to spread awareness. 

I've been so very internally torn about how I feel about Israel. I question my connection and wonder why everyone feels so compelled to say that without Israel, Jews can't exist. I never understood when my dear friend would say this to me over and over again. Until yesterday. I had an epiphany while watching, of all things, a Hanukkah YouTube video - a parody of a Taylor Swift song. At the end of the video, there are images of Israeli soldiers hugging, dancing, holding up the Torah, lighting a menorah, or just celebrating together as the lyrics play on screen: "I think about the forces in the dark, extinguishing our light. I give my gratitude to those fighting for what's right. I won't let what is wrong interfere with all my dreams, feeling pride where I belong 'cause I know what it means." Then, the video cuts to the group playing dreidel around a dining room table, joyously celebrating Hanukkah and singing about latkes frying in the oil.  I had chills watching the juxtaposition of these images, and that's when I finally fully understood what my friend has been saying. I thought about those soldiers on the front lines, defending Israel and the Jewish people who live there. They are the first line of defense. They are literally putting their lives on the line so that Israelis can continue to have their celebrations, their traditions, their LIVES. Without them, Jews around the world are at risk. Without the IDF and the support given to them from around the world, Jews in the diaspora would immediately be targeted by terrorist groups in any and every nation. I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for what the IDF is doing - saying FUCK YOU, BACK OFF, and LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE! No one did that in 1939. No one did that when Jews were being hauled off to ghettos or concentration camps. I'm beyond thankful that someone is doing that now.

"Why do they hate us?" That is the question. The question I can't answer. I can give satisfactory answers to why Hitler scapegoated, but going back and back and back and back - throughout the centuries. I just don't have the answers. I don't know what my people ever did to deserve so much hatred, to earn all the holidays that celebrate defeating groups (the Greeks, the Egyptians, the Persians...) who wanted to kill/destroy/enslave us long before Jesus even entered the scene. And I don't know how to explain this to my kids when I don't have the answers. I'm trying to navigate that one of my kids wants to wear his Star of David necklace and another wants him to hide it in his shirt or why one wants to decorate for Hanukkah and the other doesn't want anyone in the neighborhood to know we're Jewish. And I feel both sides of this myself. So there it is - the dichotomy of pride and fear that I felt in that store: gratitude that this store sells Hanukkah items, satisfaction that I found what I needed, but feeling like all eyes were on me (even when they weren't) and not knowing if I'm safe. 

And that's really the main question, isn't it? Am I safe? Is my neighborhood safe? Are my children safe? Am I safe with you as my friend? So many other groups have had to ask themselves these same questions, and we have stood side by side with them telling them that they are safe with us - that we love them for who they are no matter what. We've told them we will stand up for them, stand by their sides, and publicly fight for their right to exist and be free to be themselves in every setting. We've put targets on our houses by showing who we vote for, stating what we believe in, and what we support. But, now, with a mezuzah affixed to my doorway, or a Happy Hanukkah sign in the yard, it feels different. Those same people we supported are not standing with us in our time of need, so we continue to ask "Am I safe?" 

If you're asking yourself if I'm talking about you, just ask yourself if you've done enough - done ANYTHING - to publicly support your Jewish friends, support Israel, condemn terrorism, denounce Hamas, demand innocent Israeli hostages be released... The silence of our non-Jewish friends is another thing we notice - loudly and clearly, so if you aren't sure where you fall, err on the side of taking a moment to share your support, to check on a Jewish friend (not me - I'm already telling you how I feel), to reflect on what more you can do to be a safe person for the Jewish community. A non-Jewish friend of mine took her son to the Holocaust museum and posted about it. That meant SO much to me and my Jewish friends. Another wrote a heartfelt letter and posted it on Facebook. I've gotten texts and calls from friends. It's NOT too late to make a statement, share a post, make a call, send a text. And if anyone wants to talk more about this, I'm here. I may be "talked out," but like I said before, we can't NOT talk about it. We cannot look away.

I Made That

Earlier today, I was taking Tova on a walk. The sky was a beautiful, clear blue. The air was cool and fresh feeling. I had my AirPods in my ears, listening to my playlist, and I turn to my left to see Quinn and 5 friends waving at me pretty excitedly. They were at recess, and those sweet faces in the distance were full of joy to see Tova and me out in the neighborhood walking. They must have been trying to get my attention for a minute or so. I had been trying to find Quinn as Tova and I started our walk, but I didn't see him, so I just kept moving, thinking I'd find him later. When I turned my head a few minutes after, there they were - his little posse of friends, jumping up and down, flailing their gloved hands, cheeks rosy, and heads covered in hoods, hats, or beanies. His friend, Bryson, yelled, "HI, AMBER!" as I took my earbuds out, and as I waved back to the group, Quinn threw up an extended arm the supported an "I love you" sign. I did the same, from the 50 yards or so away. I walked a little bit more, and then I turned again to wave to the still-lingering group. I shook my "I love you" sign again to Quinn, and he did the same. We were all smiles. 

As I turned to continue my walk, it was a moment of pure happiness. And the thought that went through my head was, "I made that!" I started to focus on that feeling, that phrase. "I made that. I MADE that!" When all else is failing, I can look at myself, my life, and I can know that my body, my decisions, my abilities, my outlook... whatever part of it you want to focus on - I MADE that! I created that boy, that moment, that feeling. It wasn't a conceited, narcissistic moment; rather, it was a satisfied, warm, awe-ful (not awful!) peace that I wanted to savor - which is why I came home and immediately started writing about it! I wanted to remember those thoughts that sparked from this joyful moment: "When all is going wrong or when I'm feeling down about myself, I want to remember this moment and the realization that I made that boy. My body made that human and his brothers. My little cherub of a boy, my alabaster-cheeked baby who brings me so much joy. His big brother who makes everything new to me, his younger brother whose tininess still reminds me of how young my kids still are. I made them. I made this family. I made life choices that led me to their dad, choices to become a family - this family, decisions that got us where we are financially, emotionally, relationally, and geographically - so we get to be in this neighborhood and have the ability to live in the house we do. We created opportunities that have taught our kids how to make and keep friends, how to be happy and how to have fun. I helped MAKE that."

Often times when I go on walks, I try to find "awe." Awe in my music and the sounds I'm listening to. Awe in the beauty of nature. Awe in my body's ability to move - even if something is hurting or not as comfortable as I'd like. Awe in my neighbors and their love for their pets or for their children and how they spend time with them outside. Awe in my life and my relationships. It totally shapes my mindset and keeps me so grounded in what really matters. Today's walk was full of awe. 

During these times of turmoil and chaos in the world, I needed this moment of awe. I'm grateful to Quinn and his friends for making that moment so fulfilling. Their laughter, the way they ran back up towards their peers, their frolicing around at recess, it was all just beautiful. And I'm grateful for knowing how to take that moment and turn it into something even more "awe-some" than it already was. I MADE that!

Dear Leslie (12)

 Dear Leslie,

Well, I just put the kids to bed on Halloween, so that can only mean one thing: it's officially been 12 years since we last had you here. We lit a yahrzeit candle for you this morning, and we said Kaddish for you as we started our Halloween day. It just really sucks that you are missing out on all the festivities, the fun, and the growing up going on around us. We're well on our journey to planning Banner's bar mitzvah, and I know how excited you would be about this upcoming simchah. Natalie's wedding is this weekend, and I know how much you would savor the opportunity to be with your family near and far. I know your absence will be felt greatly while at the same time the sense of your presence will be overwhelming. At times like these, it's so bittersweet to think about you - to know that you are with us but not in the way we'd like it.

If you were here, you'd know how successful Sam is, how he's grown his own little business into a growing firm. You'd love how he takes care of his clients and runs his company. But you'd be more impressed with how he dedicates so much of his time to the greater community. He has a hard time saying no, not because he's a push-over or afraid of disappointing others, but because he has a drive to want to lead, to mix and mingle and meet, and mostly to do good things. From ADL to Leadership Plano to Grace to Change to Board of Adjustment to volunteering at the boys' schools, he wants to say yes to all the things. He gets invited to numerous galas and Democratic events, and he wants to go to it all- and take this introvert wife with him! Oy, it's a lot. And you'd probably have your head spinning trying to keep up with his busy schedule or where he is or why he's there or when he'd be able to call you. And you'd wonder how he does it all or accomplishes anything or meets deadlines. And there's times it takes its toll or you can see the stress in his body, but he does it, and he does it with priorities set straight. You'd be so proud, really. You'd be annoyed that he doesn't call you enough. You'd be irritated that you don't see him enough or that you don't understand why he's doing what he's doing. But you'd also be boasting to your friends about all his accomplishments and work ethic. 

Your grandsons are doing all the things: Miles is working and getting promotions; Colby started junior high and is trying to start up his own business making t-shirts; Banner is half-way through middle school and learning how to balance fun, friends, and studying; Quinn is a smarty-pants who is silly and quirky and a great friend; Knox is feisty and loud at home but knows how to control himself at school to be successful and to make good friends. They talk about you often, aren't afraid to ask about you, and can feel your absence. We share memories with them openly: "Bubbie gave Banner that before he was born," "Bubbie used to say that all the time so Daddy says it now,"  "That facial expression is so Bubbie," "Bubbie made the best green bean casserole," "I wish I could make Cream of Wheat for Daddy exactly how Bubbie did," or "Oh my goodness, I remember this one time when Bubbie. . ." 

And you're not here to see the craziness going on in our world right now: Israel at war with Hamas, the anti-semitism that is ramping up, the mass shootings that happen daily in America, the constant attack on books, on teachers, on public schools in Texas, corrupt politicians getting away with crimes or being brought to court again and again, the political divisiveness, women's rights to bodily autonomy being taken away... the list goes on and on. Sometimes I wonder where you'd fall on these issues or if you and Richard would argue about some of these topics. 

Well, I better get to sleep. These boys keep me busy and tired! As we head into Natalie's wedding weekend, it's appropriate to remember my promise to you - to try to make everyday a beautiful day for your boys. I promise to take you with us. I promise to share you with the boys to keep your memory alive and well. I promise you'll very much be with us in celebration this weekend, and as we inch closer to Banner's big weekend in June - right after your birthday. Your message to Sam on his bar mitzvah day is copied into Banner's prayer book, so you will (nearly literally) be in his hands and on the bimah with him. You were supposed to be there, and you will be.

Missing you,

Amber

Sukkot Shenanigans 2023

Disney Sukkah

We re-lived our magical trip to Disney World this past January with foods and music from the WDW theme parks. Each food represented a ride or an attraction. From Animal Kingdom: Kilimanjaro Safari (animal crackers); Dinosaur (dino nuggets), Finding Nemo: The Big Blue & Beyond (goldfish); Tree of Life (broccoli). From Magic Kingdom: It's A Small World (chocolate earths); Haunted Mansion (cheese stick ghosts); Peter Pan's Flight and Country Bear Jamboree (Peter Pan peanut butter and jam sandwiches) - on a "CAROUSEL" of Progress; Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ("poison" apples), Mad TEA party; SPLASH mountain; Buzz LightBEER's Space Ranger Spin; Pirates of the Caribbean (babybel). From Epcot: Turtle Talk with CRUSH; Remy's RATATOUILLE Adventure (with FRENCH bread); MISSION: Space (tortillas); Frozen Ever After (Frozen Gogurt). From Hollywood Studios: Slinky Dog Dash (hot dogs); TWILIGHT Zone Tower of Terror; Alien Swirling Saucers (jello), and FANTAsmic! We found some hidden Mickeys in the sukkah and in the kitchen. Our guests were Grandma & Papa, and we loved reminiscing about our trip - our favorite rides and memories!

Game Sukkah!

Quinn came up with this one earlier this summer. He thought of Yeti in My Spaghetti, Candy Land, Hi Ho Cherry-O, Go Fish, and Don’t Spill the Beans. Then we brainstormed some more and set up a good spread with Apples to Apples, Bananagrams, Count Your Chickens, Stone Soup, Slamwich, Snakes and Ladders, Toss Your Cookies, Don’t Break the Ice, and Parcheesi.

The boys invited a few friends each to share dinner and games with in the sukkah. It was a loud, chaotic evening, but they had a great time sharing our tradition with friends. My favorite was when they played several rounds of Pictionary. I loved watching the different ages work together on different teams.

Lost Sukkah

If you're not a fan of the TV show Lost, none of this will make any sense. But, if you're addicted to the show and/or know every detail about it, like Sam, then this sukkah was the place to be! Most of this was a surprise for Sam and his dad, another Lost fan. It was such a fun evening to create - from the playlist I put together to the boarding passes each guest had with his/her name on it to the surprise artwork hanging in the sukkah. We loved having BeeBee, Zaide, Aunt Gayle, Colby, and NaNa here with us to enjoy all the yummy food that centers around Sam's favorite show. Namaste!

Simchah Sukkah

A simchah is a joyous occasion, a celebration. This year, our family has some special ones coming up, so in honor of Natalie and Kirill’s wedding next month and in honor of Banner’s bar mitzvah in June, we had Simchah Sukkah! Special shout out to my mom for making the BRISket we enjoyed! We had Italian Wedding Soup, “cornsecration,” SHULey TEMPLES, HORA d’ouevres, Saladbrate Good Times, Son of the CommandMINTS (Junior Mints), Hershey Bar Mitzvah Pie, CHAI tea, and a CHUPPAH Joe. The boys picked songs that had to do with good times and celebration, and then of course got up and danced.

Harry Potter Sukkah

The Edwards family joined us for a night of spells, potions, and wizardry and all kinds of Harry Potter fan favorites! We enjoyed Chicken Pot(ter) Pie, Shepherd's Pie, Professor Sprout's Garden, Ravenclaws, HufflePUFFs, and a smorgasbord of sweets: Polyjuice Potion, Butterbeer, chocolate frogs, deMINTors, golden snitches, Nimbus 2000s, Slytherin snakes, and jelly slugs. The sorting hat told everyone where to sit, and we also each had a turn (blindly) choosing Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. (I got Soap!) My favorite part of tonight's sukkah - other than the guests, the conversation, and listening to the kids play together - was the floating candles in the sukkah. I didn’t want to take them down!

Knox got Black Pepper

Quinn got Dirt

Banner thought he got Buttered Popcorn, but a moment after this
was taken, he learned it was really Rotten Egg!

Gretchen ate Earwax!

Transportation Sukkah

When we went to NYC this summer, we took all kinds of transportation to get around. While there, we brainstormed some fun ideas to bring this sukkah theme to our guests with small kids. Unfortunately, they got sick and couldn’t make it tonight. We wish they’d been here to enjoy meatball SUBS, zucchini BOATS, fruit ROCKETS, WHEELS, jet fuel, fruit by FOOT, fruit CARS, and CHOO-CHOO treats.

Michael Jackson Sukkah!

I had so much fun planning this one. We started the night watching Moonwalker, and then rocked the night away with the Giffords and Bornsteins! We “jam”-ed to MJs greatest hits while we had: “brocco-lee-hee,” Pepsi, “mama se mama sa mama cole slaw,” moon(walk) pies, king of pop(corn), smoothie criminal, “the way you make me veal” (spoiler alert- it was really chicken), “they don’t really carrot ‘bout us,” “just stop doggin’ me around,” “shake your body down to the ground,” “blame it on the cookie,” and P.Y.T.za on “black or white” plates! It was a thriller of a night, and the perfect way to wrap up one BAD Sukkot!