I Made That

Earlier today, I was taking Tova on a walk. The sky was a beautiful, clear blue. The air was cool and fresh feeling. I had my AirPods in my ears, listening to my playlist, and I turn to my left to see Quinn and 5 friends waving at me pretty excitedly. They were at recess, and those sweet faces in the distance were full of joy to see Tova and me out in the neighborhood walking. They must have been trying to get my attention for a minute or so. I had been trying to find Quinn as Tova and I started our walk, but I didn't see him, so I just kept moving, thinking I'd find him later. When I turned my head a few minutes after, there they were - his little posse of friends, jumping up and down, flailing their gloved hands, cheeks rosy, and heads covered in hoods, hats, or beanies. His friend, Bryson, yelled, "HI, AMBER!" as I took my earbuds out, and as I waved back to the group, Quinn threw up an extended arm the supported an "I love you" sign. I did the same, from the 50 yards or so away. I walked a little bit more, and then I turned again to wave to the still-lingering group. I shook my "I love you" sign again to Quinn, and he did the same. We were all smiles. 

As I turned to continue my walk, it was a moment of pure happiness. And the thought that went through my head was, "I made that!" I started to focus on that feeling, that phrase. "I made that. I MADE that!" When all else is failing, I can look at myself, my life, and I can know that my body, my decisions, my abilities, my outlook... whatever part of it you want to focus on - I MADE that! I created that boy, that moment, that feeling. It wasn't a conceited, narcissistic moment; rather, it was a satisfied, warm, awe-ful (not awful!) peace that I wanted to savor - which is why I came home and immediately started writing about it! I wanted to remember those thoughts that sparked from this joyful moment: "When all is going wrong or when I'm feeling down about myself, I want to remember this moment and the realization that I made that boy. My body made that human and his brothers. My little cherub of a boy, my alabaster-cheeked baby who brings me so much joy. His big brother who makes everything new to me, his younger brother whose tininess still reminds me of how young my kids still are. I made them. I made this family. I made life choices that led me to their dad, choices to become a family - this family, decisions that got us where we are financially, emotionally, relationally, and geographically - so we get to be in this neighborhood and have the ability to live in the house we do. We created opportunities that have taught our kids how to make and keep friends, how to be happy and how to have fun. I helped MAKE that."

Often times when I go on walks, I try to find "awe." Awe in my music and the sounds I'm listening to. Awe in the beauty of nature. Awe in my body's ability to move - even if something is hurting or not as comfortable as I'd like. Awe in my neighbors and their love for their pets or for their children and how they spend time with them outside. Awe in my life and my relationships. It totally shapes my mindset and keeps me so grounded in what really matters. Today's walk was full of awe. 

During these times of turmoil and chaos in the world, I needed this moment of awe. I'm grateful to Quinn and his friends for making that moment so fulfilling. Their laughter, the way they ran back up towards their peers, their frolicing around at recess, it was all just beautiful. And I'm grateful for knowing how to take that moment and turn it into something even more "awe-some" than it already was. I MADE that!