Dear Leslie (12)

 Dear Leslie,

Well, I just put the kids to bed on Halloween, so that can only mean one thing: it's officially been 12 years since we last had you here. We lit a yahrzeit candle for you this morning, and we said Kaddish for you as we started our Halloween day. It just really sucks that you are missing out on all the festivities, the fun, and the growing up going on around us. We're well on our journey to planning Banner's bar mitzvah, and I know how excited you would be about this upcoming simchah. Natalie's wedding is this weekend, and I know how much you would savor the opportunity to be with your family near and far. I know your absence will be felt greatly while at the same time the sense of your presence will be overwhelming. At times like these, it's so bittersweet to think about you - to know that you are with us but not in the way we'd like it.

If you were here, you'd know how successful Sam is, how he's grown his own little business into a growing firm. You'd love how he takes care of his clients and runs his company. But you'd be more impressed with how he dedicates so much of his time to the greater community. He has a hard time saying no, not because he's a push-over or afraid of disappointing others, but because he has a drive to want to lead, to mix and mingle and meet, and mostly to do good things. From ADL to Leadership Plano to Grace to Change to Board of Adjustment to volunteering at the boys' schools, he wants to say yes to all the things. He gets invited to numerous galas and Democratic events, and he wants to go to it all- and take this introvert wife with him! Oy, it's a lot. And you'd probably have your head spinning trying to keep up with his busy schedule or where he is or why he's there or when he'd be able to call you. And you'd wonder how he does it all or accomplishes anything or meets deadlines. And there's times it takes its toll or you can see the stress in his body, but he does it, and he does it with priorities set straight. You'd be so proud, really. You'd be annoyed that he doesn't call you enough. You'd be irritated that you don't see him enough or that you don't understand why he's doing what he's doing. But you'd also be boasting to your friends about all his accomplishments and work ethic. 

Your grandsons are doing all the things: Miles is working and getting promotions; Colby started junior high and is trying to start up his own business making t-shirts; Banner is half-way through middle school and learning how to balance fun, friends, and studying; Quinn is a smarty-pants who is silly and quirky and a great friend; Knox is feisty and loud at home but knows how to control himself at school to be successful and to make good friends. They talk about you often, aren't afraid to ask about you, and can feel your absence. We share memories with them openly: "Bubbie gave Banner that before he was born," "Bubbie used to say that all the time so Daddy says it now,"  "That facial expression is so Bubbie," "Bubbie made the best green bean casserole," "I wish I could make Cream of Wheat for Daddy exactly how Bubbie did," or "Oh my goodness, I remember this one time when Bubbie. . ." 

And you're not here to see the craziness going on in our world right now: Israel at war with Hamas, the anti-semitism that is ramping up, the mass shootings that happen daily in America, the constant attack on books, on teachers, on public schools in Texas, corrupt politicians getting away with crimes or being brought to court again and again, the political divisiveness, women's rights to bodily autonomy being taken away... the list goes on and on. Sometimes I wonder where you'd fall on these issues or if you and Richard would argue about some of these topics. 

Well, I better get to sleep. These boys keep me busy and tired! As we head into Natalie's wedding weekend, it's appropriate to remember my promise to you - to try to make everyday a beautiful day for your boys. I promise to take you with us. I promise to share you with the boys to keep your memory alive and well. I promise you'll very much be with us in celebration this weekend, and as we inch closer to Banner's big weekend in June - right after your birthday. Your message to Sam on his bar mitzvah day is copied into Banner's prayer book, so you will (nearly literally) be in his hands and on the bimah with him. You were supposed to be there, and you will be.

Missing you,

Amber