Journey to the Knot

Saturday, April 16, 2016

2-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
Today you are 2 months old! The past few weeks have been pretty difficult, I'm not gonna lie. You've been extremely fussy and difficult to read, and while we are trying our best to figure you out and what your cries mean, we are still trying to get into a groove with you. A few things have happened in the past 4 weeks that have made things even harder:

-You were diagnosed with reflux at exactly 5 weeks. We started treating it with Axid, but that didn't help at all. We tried Nexium samples from the doctor because the medicine he wanted to prescribe was not covered by our insurance. But, that didn't work on its own, either. So, we tried changing your formula to Alimentum, which smells disgusting - and apparently tasted that way too, as you would rarely finish a bottle (most feedings, you'd only tolerate it for about 2 ounces). 24-hours later, you were still not eating much at all, then crying like you usually do, but we were so confused not knowing if you were just hungry but refused to eat. Daddy and I made the executive decision to stop the Alimentum and give you Similac Sensitive - which has less lactose in it. Since then, you've been a bit happier, pooping more than once every 3 days like you were on the regular Similac Advance, and not stinking up the place with your awful toots (which looked so painful for you to pass). You're still spitting up, but you are much calmer now.

-You had - and have again! - pink eye. We took Quinn in to the doctor, and while there with Grandma and me, the doctor diagnosed you, too. She also didn't like the way you sounded with your coughing, and when we told her about your previous RSV diagnosis, she prescribed another steroid to give you twice a day in breathing treatments. She told us that this would treat the inflamed, irritated lungs (where as the breathing treatments you had during your hospital stay and shortly after were for helping thin the mucus). Those treatments have really helped you cough less. Prior to that it seemed like you always needed to clear your throat.

-We moved you to your own crib, rather than you sleeping in the Nest between Daddy and me. This makes it harder for us to keep re-pacying you throughout the night, but since I went back to work a few days ago, you needed to be back in your room so I don't wake you when I get up in the morning.

-You still hate your carseat and cry through most every car ride unless you happen to stay/fall asleep or if Banner helps you with your paci. If Banner isn't in the car, forget it - you will scream the whole time.

-You had a short bout with some eczema at 6 weeks old, but we treated it quickly with a steroid ointment for just a couple days and it knocked it out. It was all over your shoulders and upper back.

-You still have a hydrocele on your right testicle. I don't think it causes you pain - at least I've been told it doesn't. However, it looks painful and I can't imagine it's comfortable at all!

-You are now needing a quiet place to rest/nap. The loudness of your brothers makes that difficult, and they always want to be near you - even when I'm trying to put you to sleep. So, getting you down and not pushing you past your limit where you start to get overtired and fussy is rough with those intruders. They even wake you while you are in the swing napping. You and I BOTH are trying to be patient with them, but that's a big chore when it comes to keeping them quiet!

So, it's been a little rough and hectic, but we are heading in the right direction with you feeling a little less gassy and pooping more often now. I think since your tummy is less painful with the formula (and maybe with the Nexium we are still experimenting with), you are feeling better and are able to start having a more predictable routine and we can start understanding what you might be wanting/needing when you're upset. Some of the fun things this month:

-You're cooing. I LOVE this! We are having little conversations here and there, and I love hearing your sweet voice!

-You are smiling all the time - with beautiful dimples - one more prominent on your left side (the one we noticed immediately after your birth while you were on my chest in the OR).

-You love the swing and will nap there on occasion. You will also nap in your crib now, which is great! You like your sleep sack too! (And, we are naughty and nap you on your belly.)

-You also like the Nap Nanny and the bouncer.

-You still love to be held - mostly upright and looking over our shoulder.

-You open your hands more and more. I love your tiny, delicate fingers and itty bitty touch of your hand.

-You like to be outside, which helps when we are at Banner & Quinn's swim lessons that take an hour of our day. You have done great waiting patiently for them to finish each lesson.

-You drink about 4-5 ounces of formula every 3 hours during the day, and at night, you will go about 4 hours. Last night, though, you slept 6 hours! :) YAHOO! I've been waiting for those long stretches! (You also took 6 ounces right before that big stretch!)

-You love the Maya Wrap still and will sleep on me when I wear you in it.

-I heard the closest thing to a laugh this morning!! It's coming SO SOON!

-You're batting at objects and enjoying "playing" this month.

STATS:
-Weight: 11 pounds, 10 ounces = 45th percentile
-Height: 23 5/8 inches = 75th percentile
-Head: 39.1 cm = 50th percentile

-Bath time starts around 6:45/7:00pm
-Size 1 diapers
-Size 0-3 and 3-month clothing
-Level 1 nipple

When you were 6 weeks old, that was for sure the worst fussy period. You would cry and cry and take forever to let yourself fall asleep. I was frustrated. I still am a lot of the time when I don't know what is making you so upset. But, more and more you are becoming calm - learning certain signals, like that a bottle is on its way when a bib goes on you so you can quiet down knowing what you want is immanent. I feel like we are just now starting to really get to know you and your cues, and I hate that I'm now back at work right when you and I were getting into the swing of things. (Grandma keeps you while I am at work in the mornings, and there isn't any other person on this earth that I'd want to take care of you. I have a feeling you two will become best buds just like she is with all her other grandkids. I am so grateful that you will have that time with her!)

As we get past these initial cranky periods, I am so looking forward to getting to know you better. I'm hoping the worst is behind us and we can move in to the next several weeks and months with improved eating and sleeping - and health! I want to figure you out. I want to know every little thing about you - and what you want and need. You often get "antsy" right before you fall asleep. You have that last bit of energy that needs to get out - and you do it through crying and clawing rapidly with your fingers. Just like you sometimes seem to panic when you get hungry, you seem to "panic" when you aren't able to just let yourself fall asleep. I hope I can help you calm down and stop the anxiety that you seem to have, but sweet Baby Love, you come by it so naturally.

Knox Morgan, you are quite the trooper with everything you've been through and been to. You sit through soccer games and swim lessons, what must be boring events with excited big brothers at events like Day Out with Thomas or Banner's school Purim play, and car rides to drop off and pick up brothers at school. You get poked and prodded by brothers and cousins who want so desperately to interact with you, and the only thing they really share with you at this point is their germs - again and again! I can't wait until you can really laugh with them and play with them. But, I also love you this little. Your little feet that can still both fit perfectly into the palm of my hand; your fingers that cling to mine with such strength and love; your itty bitty coos of sweetness; your tiny body scrunched up into the tub during our most favorite time of day when you are so enjoying the warm water and the time with just me; your wide-eyed look of curiosity about the world. As the weight of your body sinks into my chest at night in the glider, I just love feeling your tiny body curled up on me as you relax. I love rubbing your back and just having quiet moments in your room with you. I want to bottle them up, because this time is flying and I know how much faster it's about to go!

I love you so very much, Baby Love!
Happy 2 Months!
Love,
Mommy

Awesome head control! :)

Randi captured this at Havdallah one morning with the big boys. That's you in my Maya Wrap.

Banner did this to you when I was putting Quinn down for his nap

one of my favorites from this month

Breathing treatments

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

1-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
Whew! What a fast and furious month this has been. Fast, for sure... as I can't believe it's already been a full month since I was pregnant, a full month of us getting to know you, and a full month of sleepless nights! Furious, definitely... as your sweet life started off a little rocky and full of frustration. Man, you have been through the ringer in the short time you've been outside the womb, and I am so sad and so sorry that you have had to endure as much as you have had to right from the start. From noisy, chaotic brothers (and a crazy routine too) to a circumcision to being poked and prodded by numerous lab technicians and nurses giving shots or taking blood to dealing with the symptoms of RSV way too early in life, you have been such a champ. I'm thankful you won't remember any of this crap, but it so saddens me that your first month was filled with such pain and suffering. I'm grateful that you are on the mend and doing better now though, and not one day has passed that I'm not thankful that it's not worse! I'm always trying to count our blessings and look at the bright side; and I know very well that things could have been worse.

So, what is it I'm really referring to in this first month of your life? Mostly, I'm referring to the bout with RSV that you've had. It all began the Friday after your bris. Quinn came home from school with some mild diarrhea, and by the end of the weekend, I was worried he had a cold on top of the tummy bug. You were going to your 2-week check-up with Dr. B that Monday morning, so I called their office to see if Quinn could be seen as well. Quinn was lethargic and just not his chipper self. He was coughing and had a runny nose, and seemed pretty sick. I thought maybe he had an ear infection. The nurse ran an RSV test - not for Quinn's sake, but for yours. She wanted to know if we were dealing with this nasty virus or another cold virus. Dr. B assured us it wouldn't be RSV, but he was glad the nurse was running the test. Sure enough, the test came back positive, and we had to figure out a plan to help keep you away from Quinn. Unfortunately, the damage must have already been done, and this highly contagious virus had already made its way into your system. At that point, you weren't showing any signs, though. At that appointment, you weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces - quite a weight gain from just one week before: 7 pounds, 11 ounces. Your circumcision was healing nicely, your umbilical cord stump was still very much in tact, and you were healthy! Two concerns that came up to just watch were a hydrocele (watery fluid around your right .. ahem... testicle that should clear up on its own hopefully) and a gunky, crusty left eye that we began treating that evening with an antibiotic (erythromycin) ointment.

That evening, Grandma took you to her house, which both helped me and saddened me. You needed to be away from Quinn to protect you from getting RSV, but it was hard to watch her pull out of the garage with you... it was the first night we were away from each other - already at 2 weeks old. She kept you the following night, as well. But, by Wednesday, we had to move on and get you back home. By Thursday morning, you were sneezing and coughing. On Friday, I called the doctor's office to consult with a nurse about your symptoms. There wasn't anything alarming, but heading into the weekend, I was nervous you would spiral downward, and I needed advice on whether or not to bring you in to the doctor. Luckily, the weekend went okay, but you were sneezing and coughing more and more. By Monday (a week after Quinn was diagnosed), you were showing signs of very slight retractions, and I just couldn't fight a feeling that you should be seen by a doctor. I just couldn't tell how you were doing, but the biggest deciding factor to eventually call for a last-minute appointment that late afternoon was that your appetite had significantly decreased from a typical 3-ounce feeding to 1 to 1 1/2 ounce feedings. You were not finishing bottles at all and were falling asleep in the middle of them. I couldn't rouse you at all most of the time. Diaper changes, clothing changes, rubbing your face or hands, nothing... you were out and wouldn't wake easily at all!

We saw Dr. B's partner, Dr. P, that early evening. She had you tested for RSV, and sure enough, it came back positive. She gave amazing instructions to get us through the night, and she wanted to see you again the following day. That day, you weighed 8 pounds, 11 ounces. We were watching you closely, but since you continued to look so content and comfortable with your breathing, we never had a reason to take you to the ER that Monday night. However, by noon the next day (Tuesday, and your 3-week birthday), you were showing signs of more retractions and your pulse ox was lower that day than it had been before (in the low 90s). After a breathing treatment in the office, your pulse ox had improved, so only one more factor helped Dr. P make a decision to send you to the hospital across the street: you had lost weight overnight (with a very full wet diaper on, too). You had lost almost 2 ounces, so she erred on the side of caution, since (in her words) you "had no reserves to pull from to help" you fight the virus and to help you sustain yourself nutritively. She had us admitted, and you were put on IV fluids and given oxygen to help support your breathing. You were given breathing treatments every 4 hours, as well. We started giving you half-formula, half-Pedialyte bottles to help you eat better since the formula was too thick for you with all that mucus. I remember even thinking your saliva was so very thick... when we pulled the bottle away from your mouth, strands of spit stuck to the nipple, reminding me of spider web - just very thick strings of saliva that never really broke away.

You did great through the night, but it was not easy watching them put that IV in your little hand (well, they did it twice because the first time didn't work). You had wires and cords all over you - oxygen in your nose, the IV cords and splint they put around your arm to help hold it in, heart monitors, and the pulse ox monitor around your foot... very difficult to feed you, change your clothes and diaper, and even cuddle. You were doing so well through the next day and starting to eat more that we were able to take you home late Wednesday afternoon (and give you your first real bath since your cord had fallen off the day before!). It's been a week since then, and you are much better now - demanding a lot more food and awake WAY too often (another issue, but definitely different from those lethargic days last week)! We continued breathing treatments for a couple more days, and since seeing Dr. B last Friday for a follow-up, we have only given you a couple of treatments. You are still coughing quite a bit, and it's a very wet cough. I'm hoping it's gone by next week - or sooner! - but coughs linger and I kind of expected you to have this for a while more.

What a fiasco, right?! I mean, not even home for 3 weeks, and you ended up back in the hospital. I'm so glad you were never one of the sicker babies; I'm glad we had all the right information about what we were dealing with well in advance so we never got to a point where you were in serious distress. I'm glad our doctors erred on the side of caution and got you on a good path before things turned more serious. But, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that - and that we will have yet another hospital bill to add to our ever-growing, ridiculously expensive sum.

IN OTHER NEWS.... what have you been up to this month?!

-You are eating about 4 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours.

-You barely sleep. Like EVER - unless I'm holding you - while moving or bouncing, or while I'm wearing you in the Maya Wrap. I have this theory that you won't sleep unless 1) we are awake and/or 2) we are significantly uncomfortable. Seriously, you take like 15-20 minute power naps on and off during the day, and you will be wide awake for about 2-2.5 hours at a time. The 4:00/4:30ish feeding is a beating. You won't go back to sleep until around 6:00 or later, and then those big brothers of yours come waltzing in our room around 6:45. It's awesome. (Do you hear my sarcastic tone, Baby Love? Seriously, start sleeping.)

-You JUST started letting us put you in the swaddle sack. We tried from day one, but just like Banner as a baby, you wiggled your hands and arms up and out, completely upset with your arms tied down. But, one night I gave it another shot, and in the past few nights, you like being swaddled.

-You want to be held all the time.

-Your eye is better, but it's still gunky from time to time. We are still doing tear duct massages.

-You aren't pooping great. You have these massive poops every couple days. I'm thinking it could be related to RSV still, so I'm giving it time, but we are watching closely... your toots smell horrendous, and you seem to be cramping and in pain, so Daddy and I (and Grandma) are very concerned and want to figure this out soon.

-You burp great - but you are starting to spit up more and more.

-Your umbilical cord stump fell off at 3 weeks exactly. In fact, it was while Dr. P was admitting you to the hospital that I noticed your diaper was hovering over your cord a little. As I went to adjust it, I noticed the cord was gone! Dr. P and I both celebrated that together - and then she continued on with procedures for taking you to the hospital! :)

-You are starting to show signs of that social smile. You have smiled a couple times at the sound of my voice when I first approach you and start talking to you, but it's not consistent at all. It's just around the corner, though! And, I CAN'T WAIT!!

-Your brothers adore you. Banner, especially, wants to help pacify you and talk to you. He loves to kiss you and hold your hand. Quinn is getting good at being gentle and knowing how to touch you without jabbing you. He likes to come up to you and say, "Hi, Baby Knox! Hi, Baby Knox!" (Levi is also infatuated with you. On one of the days Grandma had you at her house while Quinn was sick, Levi was so nurturing and helpful, and he wouldn't let you cry long before wanting Grandma to go to you... even forgoing his pre-nap cuddle with her so she could go to you! Such sweet boys you have around you!)

-We started tummy time, and you do great at turning your head and holding it up! Such a strong baby!

-We are introducing you to the swing, and so far, this afternoon you liked it. (Well, you at least slept for about 20 minutes in it.)

-At this point, you are very much like Banner as a baby. The cries you make (loud, high pitched, searing squeals), the disdain for the carseat (and the sweat that you create!), the spitting up, the incessant hunger... it's all so reminiscent of your biggest brother. However, like Quinn, you very much want to be held and cuddled. You have a great nuzzle like Quinn did at this early age. I love when you bury your face into mine or my neck. And, you are a good mix of them physically. I see so much of each of them in your sweet face, but I also see just Knox! You are unique and all your own person... but I'd be lying if I said I don't often see glimpses of your brothers as newborns in your little face.

Knox Morgan, I'm exhausted and tired and emotional and hormonal and healing and tired and frustrated with so many things, and did I say tired?... but I wouldn't trade it in for anything because I love you so very much! To help pass the time, I have begun listening to my headphones during mid-night feedings. I listen to the gentle, sweet music I play and watch you in the dim glow of the light as just the two of us spend that time together. I look at your little ears and your itty bitty nose and your small hands... every inch of you is perfect. I am blown away by the miracle that is birth and life and creation itself. Daddy and I made you - and oh my GOD, you are so perfectly sculpted! It's hard to believe you lived inside my body growing so exactly as you should. Your two little feet fit perfectly inside the palm of my hand, and I love to stare at your littleness and at that image so often these days, as I know how fast time flies and how soon you will be so big!

Even though these past few weeks have been exhausting and trying and painful, I am so in awe of you and your bravery. Thank you for sticking it out and knowing that life isn't always so crazy, busy, painful, or difficult. I've reminded myself of that a lot in the past few daunting weeks. We are in this together, Baby Love, and we will definitely pull through these hard times of figuring each other out! I know what's on the other side of this cloudy time of not knowing how much to feed you or when you're hungry and when you're tired or when I'll get a full night's sleep again... and it's a beautiful place! SO much fun and so many amazing things await both of us! Newbornhood is rough for all of us, but most of all you. Life is scary, and this world you have been navigating for 4 weeks is a curious place. I am here to help you figure it all out and make sense of it all, and I hope you are feeling that love and warmth and acceptance during it all!

I love you so very much, Baby Love.
Happy 1-Month, Knox Morgan!
Love,
Mommy

Trying to recreate the same picture taken when Banner was 1 month old

And these pictures just crack me up... so typical of life with my littles:

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Half-Way to THREE! Quinn's 2 1/2 Newsletter

Dear Quinn,
In the last three months, you have continued to shine and show off your amazing personality. Daddy and I always marvel at what a funny little boy you have become. You are silly and witty, yet you are beyond smart and so very curious and clever. Clever - it's such a good word to describe you. Your comedic timing, your memory, your problem solving, your sentence structure and the way you communicate. You are well beyond what I would expect from a two and a half year old, and we hear that a lot from others.

While you are exceptionally bright, funny, loving, and playful, you are also clearly testing your boundaries and our limits. Especially as we welcomed your little brother, Knox, into our lives, you are checking to make sure Mommy & Daddy are still going to hold you to the same standards as before this big life change. We are, sweet boy, and it hasn't been easy, I know. Life is different now, and attention can be somewhat scarce, but our love and expectations are not any different. I strive to continue to spend one-on-one time with you, to give you a great deal of my affection and attention, and this will always be a goal of mine. I LOVE my time with you, and I'm sorry it's been shifted slightly in the past 3 weeks. I want you to know that I will continue to make this a priority.

So, what else have you been up to these past few months:

-Some of my favorite quotations: "I want you to wipe my crying" and "I have snot," are heard very often when you want us to use a Kleenex to clean your face. "Let the song do the singing, because you are not a big singer," (said when I was singing "Down by the Bay" in the car 1/12/16), "Mommy, you are beautiful like Elsa from Frozen," (when I walked in from a late meeting right before bedtime 1/13/16), "I love you; you're the best in the world," (said over and over again before nap one day while I was changing your diaper, and we kept telling each other this), "I was so disappointed I didn't get to check out a book; it made me sad," (2/3/16, said after school one day), "I had my listening ears on, and I used them!" (2/3/16, also said when I came into the classroom to pick you up after school), "Do you know what? Banner gave me a kiss because he loves me!" (2/7/16), "Mommy, can I have a scream (screen)?", and when you say Banner's lines from his upcoming Purim play.... "you might manage to save your body, but how will you save your soul?!" (LOVE it!)

-A favorite memory from January - taking you and Banner to Legoland, and you were loving it. You would dance from one room to the other.

-Speaking of, you love dancing still. You like to copy Banner's "tushy dance," saying "Do the Tushy Dance, Do the Tushy Dance." You love to dance to the Maccabeats' songs. You love to throw yourself on the floor or on the bed and be quite the goofball while dancing.

-You've shown more interest in wanting to use the potty. You still go on the potty before every bath/shower, and on occasion you will ask to use the toilet throughout the day. I'm still not rushing this process - as I have no desire to potty train you right now with a new baby brother and the potential that you will regress in certain areas. We will probably wait until this summer, but maybe you'll train yourself before then! :)

-We took you to an ENT yesterday for him to examine the reason you are continuing to snore when sleeping. You're loud. You may possibly be the reason that Banner can't sleep well. You kind of sound like a grown man when you snore. We will be taking you back to the ENT in 6 weeks to make a final decision about surgery or not. Since you are recovering from a bout with RSV and a potential ear infection, we are going to wait for a bit. Speaking of, yes, you got RSV (for the second time). It really took a toll on you. You were so very lethargic (especially last Monday), had no appetite, had diarrhea, were coughing quite a bit, had a runny nose, and just wanted to sleep so much. I knew something was off, so we took you to Dr. B, who ran an RSV test ONLY because of Knox. Sure enough, you passed it to both of your brothers.

-I wish you would try new foods more and channel your inner infant who used to eat anything! I miss the boy who used to eat nearly any fruit and nearly every vegetable. Now, you barely eat anything I give you. Noodles are still a top choice, and you still love chocolate, strawberries, Mandarin oranges, Jell-O, pudding, Rice Krispies, pretzels, marshmallows, grilled cheese, "dinosaur gummies," and Pirates Booty. When it comes to meat, you are not a big fan. Hamburgers, chicken, hot dogs - you'll eat them, but it's hit or miss on any given day/meal. The only thing I love about your eating - you don't like candy! You want to like it, but you just don't. I know I've written about this before, but I wanted to note it again because it's funny to me that after all these months, you still think you love it, but you have no interest in it. I rarely fight you on giving it to you because I know you won't really eat it.

-You get very upset when your feel that your things or your space will be taken from you. This is the only time I've seen you get aggressive with others, shouting or screaming at them, pushing or hitting.

-You love Team Umizoomi, Letter Factory, Grandma, Levi, going to school and seeing your friends, playing games (Guess Who, Sorry, Connect Four.... although you don't follow any particular rules), going to Ms. Patty's to swim (yay!), screens and watching YouTube, PlayDoh, being "Super Quinn," pretending to be mean ("I'm a bad guy!" said with a pucker and a mean face), having 100% of my attention - and it's multiplied when you have Daddy and I to yourself, copying Banner, playing rough with him ("fighting" and beating each other up pretending to be bad guys), My Gym, snacks, McDonald's & Chuck E Cheese, and Daddy (he's definitely your preferred parent right now).

Quinn Redding, 2 and a half years ago, you were as little as Knox is now. I remember you at this early age so clearly, and while I long for those newborn days with you, I have loved watching you become this big boy you are now! In the past few months, before Knox was born, we tried to cuddle up on the glider before bedtime, and my growing pregnant belly was making our cuddle become quite uncomfortable. You would squirm all over my disappearing lap, and you'd arch your back over the curve of my belly. I'd try to push you to my side and have you drape your legs over mine. Eventually, you'd just whisper, "I'm ready for my bunk bed," which was kind of a relief for me when neither of us could get comfortable. Then, shortly after I came home from the hospital, I rocked with you in the glider without a big belly, and I teared up as you finally, finally made yourself comfy cozy on my lap. We just stared at each other in the dark light, only lit by the light coming from the playroom. We smiled at each other, and I felt like we were finally back to our old cozy cuddle. That night was one of the last nights I rocked you. Later that week, we separated the bunk beds and took the glider out of your bedroom. I no longer rock you to sleep. I might lay with you from time to time in your bed that no longer has a "roof" above it. And tonight, I sat on your bed, and I held your hand as I swayed back and forth with Knox in my lap, and again, I teared up that 2 and a half years of rocking you has come to an end. You are such a big boy now, but even though that glider is out of your room, it doesn't mean our cuddles have to end. I'm here to rock you anytime you want, and I hope you'll let me rock and cuddle you for years and years to come!

You have such a big personality, Quinn, and I have so enjoyed watching you grow into that personality! I love you more than you could ever possibly know.

Happy Half-Birthday, My Love!
I love you!
Love,
Mommy

Mommy & Daddy didn't get to do donuts with you in the morning because we were at the hospital with Knox.

We did pizza that night instead. (Grandma took you for donuts earlier in the morning.)

Banner wanted to celebrate his own "3/4" birthday

Knox was just glad to be back from the hospital (for RSV treatment) to help you celebrate!

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Journey to Our Knox: A Birth Story

Dear Knox,

I've been waiting a long time to write you your blog letter. I've already written a private letter to you a few days before your birth, when you didn't officially have a name yet, but now I can publicly welcome you into our family, into our home, and into my heart, where you've already resided for quite some time. Oh my goodness, sweet boy, I am over the moon excited you are here and more in love with you than I could ever imagine. As you will soon find out, I will be writing you letters throughout your life to document your milestones, your growth and development, your big (and even not-so-big) happenings. I will also write in the hopes of capturing YOUR memories for you - things you will be too little to record and keep with you forever. You will find those memories safe in my keeping, written out for you to have forever in this blog (or later in blog books), so you will know exactly what you were up to these early years of your big life. Yes, I can be annoying with the constant picture taking and camera-carrying, and I can be overly sentimental at times. But, Knox Morgan, I am so very much in love with you and your brothers and being your mommy, I just want to savor these precious times with you and try as best I can to capture these moments and your "littleness" while I still can.

So, let's begin from the day before you were born, February 15th. I went to work that morning. Yes, I sat through the most boring of meetings on a President's Day Staff Development meeting for counselors. Time passed slowly as I counted down the hours and minutes before my official "discretionary leave" began and I could start doing my last-minute preparation for your arrival. I spent the rest of the day with Banner & Quinn - napping Quinn, escorting them to swim lessons, getting dinner and bath and bedtime underway. And, then it all hit. Our family of 4 would be different the following day. Banner had a hard time falling asleep that night. I couldn't blame him... I had had a difficult night the night before as my mind raced (along with my heart) with all kinds of thoughts and ideas and to-do's and concerns. But, Banner is sensitive and sensed how much his life was going to change the following day - all the while knowing Mommy was going to be in the hospital for a few days. As I maneuvered my big-bellied-body off of his top bunk where I thought he was sound asleep, Banner sat up and cried just a little. Daddy had already left the room and come back in to help Quinn settle down in the bottom bunk (he had been twisting and turning and chatting and doing whatever else he does down there!). Daddy knelt down next to the nightstand to hold Quinn's hand, and as Banner cried for me, I stood over Daddy holding Banner's hand, with my hand on Daddy's back to brace myself and lean more comfortably. It was in that moment that I got emotional - thinking of our little foursome being together right then, knowing everything would be different quite soon. We were literally embracing ourselves - all connected and ready to take on the new day ahead but mourning the loss of the family we currently knew. That sounds sad and morbid, but really, it was just all of us tearfully ending the short period in our lives when we were just a family of 4, the time before we knew you.

Later that night, Banner came in our room and crawled into our bed. I noticed how hungry I was, and knowing that at 4am, I could no longer eat anything before my surgery, I took advantage of being awake. I got up around 3:15am and ate a bowl of Honey Bunches - alone in the dark kitchen- thinking of you and how this was our last meal "together." It was our last little date while I was pregnant, and although a serious urge to pee interrupted it a bit, I was glad I recognized the significance of the moment - my last chance to nurture you while you grew inside my body, our last favorite food together, our last few moments alone - together.

The following morning, Tuesday, February 16th, Daddy and I took Banner and Quinn to school. We gave them big hugs and kisses and told them what would be happening the rest of the day (for like the 4th time!), and we watched them walk in the building knowing the next time we saw them, they'd be meeting you! We headed back home for about an hour of final packing, prepping for the hospital, and a few more last-minute belly pictures. Then, it was "go time!" Grandma met us at the hospital, and we all went up to the 3rd floor to check in and start preparing for your big debut. Minutes before they took me back, I read a prayer with Daddy and Grandma next to me - the same prayer I read before Banner and Quinn were born. Tears, of course, draped my cheeks as I prayed hard that all would go well in this delivery.

This delivery would be different from your brothers' births. With Banner, an induced labor ended in a somewhat-emergency C-section as his heart rate dropped after contractions. With Quinn, a repeat C-section followed general surgery protocol, where we saw him for the first time over a drape. With you, we opted for a "gentle" or "family" C-section, where we would be able to watch the doctors pull you out of my body and where you'd be placed on my bare chest only moments after delivery. Daddy and I were super-excited about this idea, and it did not disappoint! As I was getting my epidural, my OB came in to check on me and review what was going to happen during surgery. Daddy came in to the OR, and quite soon Dr. E was starting surgery! What seemed like a few minutes later, she asked if I was ready, and of course I was!

The anesthesiologist detached (via Velcro) the blue sheet that was hanging with a plastic see-through drape, so Daddy and I could easily look through and watch the doctors pull you out of my belly (at 12:19pm). The.coolest.thing! You were RIGHT there! You were leaving my body and coming into this world, and I got to see it! You cried easily right away, and you were beautiful. You had your umbilical cord in your hand and slightly draped over your shoulder - like you were carrying a purse. You were big and pink and definitely a boy! The nurse checked on you to be sure you were breathing okay (both 1- and 5-minute Apgar ratings were 9), she weighed you and cleaned you off a bit, gave you a diaper, then gave you to me! You were placed on my chest, wearing only a diaper and a hat, and you immediately wanted to find food. You were facing me, but you kept picking your head up off my chest and turning it away towards my breast. The nurses wouldn't let you turn away and kept readjusting you since they needed to watch your coloring and monitor your breathing. I was so impressed with your neck and head control! It reminded me of Banner with how strong he was immediately after birth. You were no different. We snuggled for a bit, we noticed your left dimple on your cheek, your very dark and thick hair, and a tiny tear falling from your left eye (which I knew probably meant you had a clogged tear duct, just based on my experience with Quinn), and then they took you back to the warmer for more measuring and monitoring, and then after the doctors had sewn me up and transferred me off of the operating table to a bed, I got to hold you again - after Daddy had a turn of course! We were wheeled to the recovery room, where Daddy and I would just stare at you - in awe and complete love. You latched right away, you were a hungry boy! I was so glad I was able to at least give you that bowl of cereal in the middle of the night, but the nurses kept saying that you probably were "in the middle of a meal when the doctors interrupted it!" They laughed about how you would have probably latched to the wall at that point - you were so hungry. You even found your thumb to suck for a while.

You weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces (just one ounce more than Quinn at birth). You were 20.5 inches long - a half inch bigger than both of your older brothers. Your fingernails and toenails were exceptionally long... okay, if I'm being honest, they were freakishly long. I was glad I had brought nail clippers with me to cut them that very day! Daddy and I just examined you and wanted to take you in! We savored that alone time with you - knowing alone time with you would be hard to come by once we were home. I just enjoyed you being so calm, especially because I was so very tired and could barely keep my eyes open during that post-surgery time. My right eye, especially, kept wanting to close and felt heavy. Daddy laughed when I told him I felt like Mr. Paik from his favorite TV show, Lost, who always had an eye that looked half-closed. We continued to soak you in and try to decide who you looked like - Banner or Quinn or anyone else in the family. I saw so many features of both of your brothers - you are, in my opinion, a really great mix of the two. Everyone says how different Banner and Quinn look from each other - and here you are, this blend of the two - especially at birth when Quinn had dark hair just like yours. At one point, Daddy noticed that your feet looked different than Banner & Quinn's. He was all smiles that he finally has a son who doesn't have MY feet - with turned in pinkie toes. I agreed your toes were perfectly straight.... but fast forward 2 days later, and you definitely have my feet. Those little toes decided to take a bit of time to turn, but they did turn. Poor Daddy! Surrounded by a houseful of people with hiding pinkie toes!

After about 2 hours with you in the recovery room, we were moved to our regular hospital room. We were excited for guests to start to arrive. Grandma had gone to pick up Banner & Quinn from school after the OR nurse let her know you and I were both doing well. She napped Quinn, and once he woke up, they headed up to the hospital to meet you as soon as they could. When they arrived, both big boys were so happy to be meeting you. They were quiet and curious. I had my pinkie in your mouth because you were wanting to nurse, but I wanted to wait until they met you, and I wanted to keep you calm. Banner wanted to whisper his name to you to introduce himself - and when he did you opened your eyes. Banner loved that and felt an immediate connection to you because you seemed to know who he was - you knew his voice. Quinn told you his name as well, and he was curious about why you were sleepy, why my finger was in your mouth, why you liked to suck, etc. Then I asked if they wanted to know your name, and when I said "Knox Morgan," they seemed to like it. Quinn was a champ at saying it correctly right away, and since then you've been "Baby Knox" to him. Grandma then got to hold you and show you to the boys so they could see better. Soon, Zaide & BeeBee came, followed closely by Aunt Kira and Levi, Papa, and then Uncle Brock, Aunt Mischelle, Brycen, and Nami. That was a LOT of people in our room, and quite a bit of chaos!

At some point before dinner time, we gave Banner and Quinn a present (from you!), and they gave you a present. Each of you received a "brother" shirt, and then you also received a Ninja Turtle onesie, a Batman onesie, and a Batman teether from the boys as well. Right before the big kids left with Daddy to go home for bath and bed, Cherie & Jed came to the hospital to meet you. It was nice and quiet at that point. When Cherie held you, I said to her, "His name is Knox Morgan, and if you are willing, he's your godson." She and I were both kind of speechless and I was a little emotional, but of course she agreed. Later that night, Big Boss came up to meet you, as well. And, after everyone had gone home and your temperature was right for it, the nurse gave you your first "bath." You loved the water on your head and calmed nicely during that relaxing shampoo!

That night, Daddy gave me a beautiful gift: a heart necklace with three hearts inside of it - to represent my three precious boys. Not only was the necklace beautiful, but he had designed it himself! You have a great Daddy, and I love him very much. The rest of the evening was pretty rough. You wanted to cluster feed, which was very painful for me after a while. You were insatiable. You were a great nurser, but you would get pretty ticked off if you weren't sucking, and by the early hours of the following day, I had decided not to continue nursing. We asked for formula after deciding several things: nursing is still not for me, I was getting angry and frustrated at all the pain I was handling with no relief which wasn't helpful at all - nor did I want my relationship with you to suffer in any way, I had no intention of nursing you for more than a couple months (if that) given all the other issues at home - two big, busy brothers who still need a great deal of my attention, going back to work, recovering from major surgery, etc. So, Daddy and I decided you and I would both be happier with the ease of formula. (The expense of it... quite a different story, but well worth saving the relationship and my sanity!) Within 10 minutes of getting the formula in your belly, you were a lot happier, and we knew we had made the right choice for us. However, every time I held you, you must have smelled me and wanted to keep nursing, so holding you became a challenge when you'd get so upset.

Day 2 officially began with a visit from Dr. B. He noticed a small birthmark on the back of your head, right underneath a patch of hair at the top of your neck. I hadn't noticed it yet, and to be honest, I'm not sure I see it at all! It may have already gone away. We discussed your eye and doing massages to help open the tear duct. We discussed your ears which didn't have much curve to them at the very top, but Dr. B said not to do anything about it... and he was right. As of this writing, one week out from your birth, they have shaped up nicely and are different than they were that first night. All-in-all, you had a great bill of health and were doing great!

Me, on the other hand... well, Day 2 is historically my worst day. This time was no different. Getting out of bed, moving around, showering - it's a lot on a post-surgery body. I hate Day 2. Sore, heavy, burning - it's all part of the deal, and NOTHING feels good. I cried throughout the entire showering process... but once back in bed and settled in some fresh pajamas and loads of help from Grandma and Aunt Kira, and I was calm again. After nap time, Banner & Quinn came up to visit. You gave them some more presents - a basket full of their favorite snacks, some Lego kits, and some Model Magic clay, as well as some sticker pages and Imagine Ink coloring books. They LOVED getting gifts from you; in fact, Quinn still asks for gifts while we are at home, wanting to get more and more stuff! Later that night, Mara and Caden came to meet you. We had a chaotic room once again with all the little kids being noisy and having a blast. You slept through it all; you must have been used to the crazy loudness of this big family! Once they all left, NaNa & Uncle Paul came to meet you.

That night was much better than the first. The nurse weighed you, and you weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces then. Day 3...things got even easier. I was feeling better and better, and we were able to go on more walks around the hallway. When Daddy and Grandma had both left to tend to the big boys, we were alone in our room together. I sang you a few songs with the help of my iPhone, and you seemed to know these songs - songs we had listened to in the car for many weeks and months before. I sang "Never Gonna Let You Down," a song that has somewhat become my song for you and my pregnancy. I also sang some of the lullabies that I sing to Banner & Quinn at night... and you fell asleep while tears streamed down my face as my heart just burst with love and joy for you! When the boys came back up to the hospital, we went on another walk. This time, I noticed my back starting to itch pretty badly. We had been worried about this since I had a severe reaction to the epidural tape and/or wash that was used when Quinn was born. Sure enough, I was getting a red, itchy rash on my back. Luckily, we were able to get on top of it with the right medication pretty quickly this time, and the itching stayed under control. It has, since then, spread to my upper thighs and tummy... so it has to be the wash they use to clean the skin before surgery. What a pain!

Anyway, that third evening, you gave Banner & Quinn some "Talking Tubes" to play with. Unfortunately, those two have a hard time whispering and weren't quite understanding how to use them in a quiet space! Later, Uncle Barry & Aunt Susie came to meet you. And even later in the night, Big Boss & Uncle Tyce came up to see you. When the nursery nurse weighed you, you had gained an ounce from the night before. 7 pounds, 8 ounces became your weight at discharge, since we would be leaving the following day.

Day 4, a Friday morning, began with a visit from Aunt Erin who was making rounds at our hospital - checking on other babies. Dr. E came to check on me as she had the other mornings, and Dr. B came to check on you. At that visit, we discussed possible reflux with you because you seem to be in pain after feedings. We aren't sure if it's gas, more hunger, or reflux. You gulp your bottles, you burp a LOT, and you pull your legs in with a sharp cry from time to time. We are watching it for now, though. The day went very smoothly, and Randi & Ella came up to meet you when they dropped Banner off from school that afternoon. Before long, Grandma & Quinn came up to the hospital again. With all of us there together . . . . it was now time to go home! We took a few pictures of us - you three boys in your brother shirts, and then we headed to the car! You were calm and quiet in the car seat and through the whole car ride home. Quinn, on the other hand, was quite upset about moving out of the hospital where he loved to get snacks and presents each day! Poor guy was quite a mess! When we got home, Banner & Quinn gave you a tour of the house, and then we gave them one last present. As I handed them a tape activity gift "from you," I told them, "This is a gift from Knox to say thank you for showing him around your house and for sharing your house and your things with him." It wasn't any big deal - the gift - but what I was saying made me teary and emotional, just thinking of you finally being here and being a part of our life and our home and our family. The rest of the night kind of went like that - Mommy tearing up at different times, so very full of love and gratitude for how amazing our family is. Bed time was especially rough - just adjusting to change and feeling emotional about this new chapter in our lives. Grandma bathed the boys, I bathed you, we waited on Daddy & Papa to come home from getting Mommy's meds, and then Banner was tearful that evening - glad Mommy was home and wanting me to sing his lullabies - which made me emotional. I just wanted to savor each of you - to wrap you up in my arms, each boy at a time and freeze time with you in that moment. That was a big day for all of us, and I can never quite explain how very full my heart was through it all.

Our weekend was full of settling in, meeting a few new people (Avery, Gretchen, Avi, Ryan, Sari), and getting to know you even more! Grandma has been staying with us, helping us settle in and get acclimated to a house with 3 children under the age of 5 while I'm healing. We could not have done this transition without her, and I don't know how others do it! I especially love that she's getting this bonding time with you - and you with her. We are ALL loving our time bonding with you. We've learned that you hate having your arms swaddled, you love having your forehead rubbed - right between your eyes, you are gulping lots of air and are quite gassy, you have a dimple in each cheek and one in your chin, you like to hold your own bottle and paci, you like the car and car seat (for now), you pretty much panic when searching for the bottle and can't get your mouth around the nipple fast enough, and you give awesome smiles with your eyes! Your eyes just light up at certain times - and we know if you could smile, you would! Your eyes are a deep sea blue right now. They look exactly like Banner & Quinn's eyes did - but I'm betting you'll have brown eyes. We saw Dr. B yesterday afternoon, and we are so grateful that you are still healthy and thriving. You weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces - so you are heading in the right direction, but not back to your birth weight just yet.

Today was your bris, and sweet baby love, it was rough on Mommy. Hearing you scream and barely being able to imagine the pain you were in - and are still perhaps - was so very difficult for me. I cried a little, but I'm glad it's over now, and I hope you have a speedy recovery. Uncle Brock and Big Boss performed the circumcision, and Rabbi R was there to give you your Hebrew name, Chanan Chaim. We will share the meanings of these names at your baby naming in May. The people you are named after were very much on my mind during the ceremony, and I felt that I had them with us today. I miss both of these people greatly, but I'm grateful for the memories I have of them and that they will continue to live on through your name and through you, as they are so much a part of you.

Knox Morgan, I love you so very much. In fact, there isn't a way for me to love you any more. I am so grateful for your health and that you are here with us safely. I'm filled with love as we welcome you to our family, into our home, and into our hearts forever. You are so very loved by so many people who simply want you to be happy, to stay healthy, and to feel the immense love we have for you. One week ago, you made your grand entrance into the world. I watched as you were pulled from your safe haven of my body that we shared for 9 months. I felt your warm skin on mine, and I fell even more in love with you than I ever thought I could. And here we are today, on your due date, and for the past week, I've been on a high from that love - but I want to freeze time and savor your newborn-hood, your tininess, your dependence, that sweet newborn smell and these tender moments together. I want to soak in your brothers' love for you, their admiration for you and how they know nearly every thing you do is a first.

I could go on and on --- I think I have definitely succeeded in doing so -- but it's just so hard to end my very first letter when I want to pour my heart out to you and recall nearly every detail perfectly. What a ride this has been - from pregnancy to meeting you to bringing you home and getting to know you better! Thank you for picking our family, Baby Love.

I love you, Knox Morgan.
Happy first week!
Love,
Mommy