Whew! What a fast and furious month this has been. Fast, for sure... as I can't believe it's already been a full month since I was pregnant, a full month of us getting to know you, and a full month of sleepless nights! Furious, definitely... as your sweet life started off a little rocky and full of frustration. Man, you have been through the ringer in the short time you've been outside the womb, and I am so sad and so sorry that you have had to endure as much as you have had to right from the start. From noisy, chaotic brothers (and a crazy routine too) to a circumcision to being poked and prodded by numerous lab technicians and nurses giving shots or taking blood to dealing with the symptoms of RSV way too early in life, you have been such a champ. I'm thankful you won't remember any of this crap, but it so saddens me that your first month was filled with such pain and suffering. I'm grateful that you are on the mend and doing better now though, and not one day has passed that I'm not thankful that it's not worse! I'm always trying to count our blessings and look at the bright side; and I know very well that things could have been worse.
So, what is it I'm really referring to in this first month of your life? Mostly, I'm referring to the bout with RSV that you've had. It all began the Friday after your bris. Quinn came home from school with some mild diarrhea, and by the end of the weekend, I was worried he had a cold on top of the tummy bug. You were going to your 2-week check-up with Dr. B that Monday morning, so I called their office to see if Quinn could be seen as well. Quinn was lethargic and just not his chipper self. He was coughing and had a runny nose, and seemed pretty sick. I thought maybe he had an ear infection. The nurse ran an RSV test - not for Quinn's sake, but for yours. She wanted to know if we were dealing with this nasty virus or another cold virus. Dr. B assured us it wouldn't be RSV, but he was glad the nurse was running the test. Sure enough, the test came back positive, and we had to figure out a plan to help keep you away from Quinn. Unfortunately, the damage must have already been done, and this highly contagious virus had already made its way into your system. At that point, you weren't showing any signs, though. At that appointment, you weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces - quite a weight gain from just one week before: 7 pounds, 11 ounces. Your circumcision was healing nicely, your umbilical cord stump was still very much in tact, and you were healthy! Two concerns that came up to just watch were a hydrocele (watery fluid around your right .. ahem... testicle that should clear up on its own hopefully) and a gunky, crusty left eye that we began treating that evening with an antibiotic (erythromycin) ointment.
That evening, Grandma took you to her house, which both helped me and saddened me. You needed to be away from Quinn to protect you from getting RSV, but it was hard to watch her pull out of the garage with you... it was the first night we were away from each other - already at 2 weeks old. She kept you the following night, as well. But, by Wednesday, we had to move on and get you back home. By Thursday morning, you were sneezing and coughing. On Friday, I called the doctor's office to consult with a nurse about your symptoms. There wasn't anything alarming, but heading into the weekend, I was nervous you would spiral downward, and I needed advice on whether or not to bring you in to the doctor. Luckily, the weekend went okay, but you were sneezing and coughing more and more. By Monday (a week after Quinn was diagnosed), you were showing signs of very slight retractions, and I just couldn't fight a feeling that you should be seen by a doctor. I just couldn't tell how you were doing, but the biggest deciding factor to eventually call for a last-minute appointment that late afternoon was that your appetite had significantly decreased from a typical 3-ounce feeding to 1 to 1 1/2 ounce feedings. You were not finishing bottles at all and were falling asleep in the middle of them. I couldn't rouse you at all most of the time. Diaper changes, clothing changes, rubbing your face or hands, nothing... you were out and wouldn't wake easily at all!
We saw Dr. B's partner, Dr. P, that early evening. She had you tested for RSV, and sure enough, it came back positive. She gave amazing instructions to get us through the night, and she wanted to see you again the following day. That day, you weighed 8 pounds, 11 ounces. We were watching you closely, but since you continued to look so content and comfortable with your breathing, we never had a reason to take you to the ER that Monday night. However, by noon the next day (Tuesday, and your 3-week birthday), you were showing signs of more retractions and your pulse ox was lower that day than it had been before (in the low 90s). After a breathing treatment in the office, your pulse ox had improved, so only one more factor helped Dr. P make a decision to send you to the hospital across the street: you had lost weight overnight (with a very full wet diaper on, too). You had lost almost 2 ounces, so she erred on the side of caution, since (in her words) you "had no reserves to pull from to help" you fight the virus and to help you sustain yourself nutritively. She had us admitted, and you were put on IV fluids and given oxygen to help support your breathing. You were given breathing treatments every 4 hours, as well. We started giving you half-formula, half-Pedialyte bottles to help you eat better since the formula was too thick for you with all that mucus. I remember even thinking your saliva was so very thick... when we pulled the bottle away from your mouth, strands of spit stuck to the nipple, reminding me of spider web - just very thick strings of saliva that never really broke away.
You did great through the night, but it was not easy watching them put that IV in your little hand (well, they did it twice because the first time didn't work). You had wires and cords all over you - oxygen in your nose, the IV cords and splint they put around your arm to help hold it in, heart monitors, and the pulse ox monitor around your foot... very difficult to feed you, change your clothes and diaper, and even cuddle. You were doing so well through the next day and starting to eat more that we were able to take you home late Wednesday afternoon (and give you your first real bath since your cord had fallen off the day before!). It's been a week since then, and you are much better now - demanding a lot more food and awake WAY too often (another issue, but definitely different from those lethargic days last week)! We continued breathing treatments for a couple more days, and since seeing Dr. B last Friday for a follow-up, we have only given you a couple of treatments. You are still coughing quite a bit, and it's a very wet cough. I'm hoping it's gone by next week - or sooner! - but coughs linger and I kind of expected you to have this for a while more.
What a fiasco, right?! I mean, not even home for 3 weeks, and you ended up back in the hospital. I'm so glad you were never one of the sicker babies; I'm glad we had all the right information about what we were dealing with well in advance so we never got to a point where you were in serious distress. I'm glad our doctors erred on the side of caution and got you on a good path before things turned more serious. But, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that - and that we will have yet another hospital bill to add to our ever-growing, ridiculously expensive sum.
IN OTHER NEWS.... what have you been up to this month?!
-You are eating about 4 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours.
-You barely sleep. Like EVER - unless I'm holding you - while moving or bouncing, or while I'm wearing you in the Maya Wrap. I have this theory that you won't sleep unless 1) we are awake and/or 2) we are significantly uncomfortable. Seriously, you take like 15-20 minute power naps on and off during the day, and you will be wide awake for about 2-2.5 hours at a time. The 4:00/4:30ish feeding is a beating. You won't go back to sleep until around 6:00 or later, and then those big brothers of yours come waltzing in our room around 6:45. It's awesome. (Do you hear my sarcastic tone, Baby Love? Seriously, start sleeping.)
-You JUST started letting us put you in the swaddle sack. We tried from day one, but just like Banner as a baby, you wiggled your hands and arms up and out, completely upset with your arms tied down. But, one night I gave it another shot, and in the past few nights, you like being swaddled.
-You want to be held all the time.
-Your eye is better, but it's still gunky from time to time. We are still doing tear duct massages.
-You aren't pooping great. You have these massive poops every couple days. I'm thinking it could be related to RSV still, so I'm giving it time, but we are watching closely... your toots smell horrendous, and you seem to be cramping and in pain, so Daddy and I (and Grandma) are very concerned and want to figure this out soon.
-You burp great - but you are starting to spit up more and more.
-Your umbilical cord stump fell off at 3 weeks exactly. In fact, it was while Dr. P was admitting you to the hospital that I noticed your diaper was hovering over your cord a little. As I went to adjust it, I noticed the cord was gone! Dr. P and I both celebrated that together - and then she continued on with procedures for taking you to the hospital! :)
-You are starting to show signs of that social smile. You have smiled a couple times at the sound of my voice when I first approach you and start talking to you, but it's not consistent at all. It's just around the corner, though! And, I CAN'T WAIT!!
-Your brothers adore you. Banner, especially, wants to help pacify you and talk to you. He loves to kiss you and hold your hand. Quinn is getting good at being gentle and knowing how to touch you without jabbing you. He likes to come up to you and say, "Hi, Baby Knox! Hi, Baby Knox!" (Levi is also infatuated with you. On one of the days Grandma had you at her house while Quinn was sick, Levi was so nurturing and helpful, and he wouldn't let you cry long before wanting Grandma to go to you... even forgoing his pre-nap cuddle with her so she could go to you! Such sweet boys you have around you!)
-We started tummy time, and you do great at turning your head and holding it up! Such a strong baby!
-We are introducing you to the swing, and so far, this afternoon you liked it. (Well, you at least slept for about 20 minutes in it.)
-At this point, you are very much like Banner as a baby. The cries you make (loud, high pitched, searing squeals), the disdain for the carseat (and the sweat that you create!), the spitting up, the incessant hunger... it's all so reminiscent of your biggest brother. However, like Quinn, you very much want to be held and cuddled. You have a great nuzzle like Quinn did at this early age. I love when you bury your face into mine or my neck. And, you are a good mix of them physically. I see so much of each of them in your sweet face, but I also see just Knox! You are unique and all your own person... but I'd be lying if I said I don't often see glimpses of your brothers as newborns in your little face.
Knox Morgan, I'm exhausted and tired and emotional and hormonal and healing and tired and frustrated with so many things, and did I say tired?... but I wouldn't trade it in for anything because I love you so very much! To help pass the time, I have begun listening to my headphones during mid-night feedings. I listen to the gentle, sweet music I play and watch you in the dim glow of the light as just the two of us spend that time together. I look at your little ears and your itty bitty nose and your small hands... every inch of you is perfect. I am blown away by the miracle that is birth and life and creation itself. Daddy and I made you - and oh my GOD, you are so perfectly sculpted! It's hard to believe you lived inside my body growing so exactly as you should. Your two little feet fit perfectly inside the palm of my hand, and I love to stare at your littleness and at that image so often these days, as I know how fast time flies and how soon you will be so big!
Even though these past few weeks have been exhausting and trying and painful, I am so in awe of you and your bravery. Thank you for sticking it out and knowing that life isn't always so crazy, busy, painful, or difficult. I've reminded myself of that a lot in the past few daunting weeks. We are in this together, Baby Love, and we will definitely pull through these hard times of figuring each other out! I know what's on the other side of this cloudy time of not knowing how much to feed you or when you're hungry and when you're tired or when I'll get a full night's sleep again... and it's a beautiful place! SO much fun and so many amazing things await both of us! Newbornhood is rough for all of us, but most of all you. Life is scary, and this world you have been navigating for 4 weeks is a curious place. I am here to help you figure it all out and make sense of it all, and I hope you are feeling that love and warmth and acceptance during it all!
I love you so very much, Baby Love.
Happy 1-Month, Knox Morgan!
Love,
Mommy
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| Trying to recreate the same picture taken when Banner was 1 month old |
And these pictures just crack me up... so typical of life with my littles:
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