And Another Year Makes NINE!

Dear Banner,
Let me first start off by saying I am sorry this post is a couple days late, but that's doing really great these days! We are in the midst of a global pandemic, and life is not normal. I haven't written or posted anything in a long time, and it's not because I don't have anything to say, it's because I'm overwhelmed with busy, crazy kids and when I have a minute to myself, I have no desire to spend it on a computer writing. That is SO not like me, but I've been so mentally exhausted these last 3 months or so, that writing has taken a back seat. I'm hoping writing to you will rekindle the spark to the joy of writing. So, with that, let me say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

This past Tuesday, you completed 9 laps around the sun, and now we are heading into your 10th year of life! You have now been alive on June 9th 10 times! Weird to think about, right? Even weirder is the fact that holding you for the first time, saying your name aloud for the world to know, seeing those big blue eyes for the first time, watching you hold your head up like a boss like you were already wanting to be the big kid you are now way back then... all those images and memories are as if they happened yesterday. So vivid and real in my mind. I remember on our last night in the hospital, Daddy and I held you together, and Daddy said, "Isn't it crazy that this baby was inside you? Like, there was this big being growing there, it came out of you, and you survived!?" It is so strange, the whole giving birth thing and life coming into existence. Each year you get older, that miracle never really gets any easier to comprehend. Each year, I reflect on becoming a mom and still find it beyond comprehension that you happened to me, that I get to be your mom, and that we got to NINE so freakin' fast! The days are so long, especially now... so so so long. But, the years are way too fast, B. They just whiz by, and the sand of time is slipping through my fingers so fast. I just want to keep you my little boy forever, and that's not happening. You prove to me over and over again that you are growing up, and there's no stopping it.

9 Facts About You:

1. At NINE years old, you are in to gaming, gaming, and gaming. You've always been drawn to a screen, as much we we tried to keep you away from it. But, now you want to play the most "in" games you can get your hands on. You are obsessed with Roblox and Fortnite, and you find a lot of joy and contentment gaming with friends. I know this is not unusual for kids your age, but you are annoyingly addicted to it. Especially during the last few months of being stuck at home during the coronavirus pandemic, you have had more time and opportunity to indulge yourself. It causes a lot of tension between you and me, with me constantly questioning whether or not to allow it while understanding that this is how little boys your age play, and this is a very social thing for you, too. You always want to call a friend to play with you while you're gaming. You'll have the game going, while you're talking to a friend on Messenger Kids. You play with Landon, Collin, Cade, Asher, Brycen, Levi, Taryn, Corey, Jillian, Bree, the list goes on!! I love that you are connecting with so many friends, but it's a fight to get you to stop. This is my number one complaint at this time. It's also my generation's constant concern, as we all say things to each other like our own parents did... "back in my day..." or "when I was a kid..." or "kids these days..." So I take all of this with a grain of salt and realize it's not just me, it's not just you... but it is our reality.

2. You are also really into music - especially music you hear on the games you play. You get obsessed with one or two songs at a time, then once everyone in the family starts to actually like it and sing along, you are on to the next one or two new songs and can't stand the ones you made us listen to  only weeks ago. (Insert big eye roll here.) I do love your music, but I can't keep up with the ever-changing favorites. We all take turns in the car to choose a song, and I'll pick a song that you introduced us to a couple months ago, and you'll roll your eyes, saying, "I hate that song!" Ugh. But, I so have your number, buddy. I see you. You are Mr. Cool and want to be the "too cool for you guys" who knows everything and is always a step ahead. It reminds me of when you were a toddler trying a new food. If I watched you try it, you'd spit it out and tell me you hated it. But if I looked away like I didn't care, you would continue eating it. You desperately want our attention, but you are going to make us work for your acceptance. It's very confusing yet predictable all at the same time. So, if I want to keep listening to one of your songs, I better not acknowledge that I like it or sing along to it.

3. You know your cars. One thing I've always been bad about is knowing makes and models of cars. Not you. You will see a Lamborghini a mile away and excitedly shout out, "Oh my God. Look at that lambo!" That's the best example I can give, because I know nothing about cars, and you will be able to tell what series the car is and I have NO idea what that even means! You are impressed by Teslas, all kinds of race cars, and other cars... and I sound like a complete moron trying to even tell you about it, because I have no idea what to even call the categories.... so I'll stop there. You get the point. Again, reminds me of when you were a toddler and could tell me every part of an excavator, and I don't even think I knew what an excavator or backhoe loaders or graters were until you were in my life. Before you, they were all bulldozers to me! Ha!

4. You're smart. Like really smart, and very creative. But, school is becoming a bit more challenging for you these days because you don't want to work hard and naturally, school gets harder as you get older. Learning has always been easy for you, which I'm forever grateful for. But working has never been your forte. When things have come so easy for you, you're not used to the challenge... which is the reason I love that you're getting the challenges that PACE provides you.You have come home from school crying over a PACE assignment, and usually it's because you are feeling challenged, and that's a hard feeling for you to tackle when you're not used to it. You don't have to study long to memorize facts, but if I ask you to write what you know, forget it, you'll fight me every step of the way. I do think part of this is the gifted part of you - wondering why the hell you have to write it out or show your work when "I just know, Mom... I don't know how I know, I just know the answer, why do I have to explain it?!" Your brain works faster than your hand, and you get frustrated. There's also the ADHD piece that plays into this. It's hard to stay focused, you are easily distracted by a million other things (from the sound of the air conditioning turning on to the pattern on your pencil to the open spaces in the word "Name" at the top of your paper). You might know your math facts way faster than you let on during a timed quiz because you were too distracted to focus on the task at hand. You might forget to turn in your homework for a variety of reasons, even though you did it perfectly. You've gotten Bs on tests or quizzes simply because you didn't answer two questions, yet got every other question correct, and when I question you about it, you say, "I swear I answered those!" even when there is literally NO marking near the question. You got straight As on your report card, so it doesn't rise to the level of needing intervention, but as a mom who sees your great potential and also your great struggles, it's hard to know how to best handle this to help you feel confident and less frustrated. This is an ongoing work in progress!

5. I am constantly told how well-mannered you are when visiting friends or when hearing from teachers. Your friend's parents say you are a dream to have over at their homes. You are polite and considerate. You ask them how they are or how their day is going, and you genuinely seem to care. I believe them, I really do. But you are short-tempered with me and with your brothers, and we don't often get the privilege of seeing those manners at home. I'd rather it be this way than the other way around, but it can feel frustrating for me that I miss out on that. You are the sweetest thing right before bedtime, usually when you're milking it to get me to stay in your room and talk to you longer, postponing bedtime by warming my heart with all the sweetness and great discussion. But, when that sweet little boy wakes in the morning, he's seems to wake up on the wrong side of the bed a lot and can seem to hate the world - and me along with it.

6. You want to keep every.thing! You are a little bit of a hoarder. When Dad and I got back from an anniversary cruise we took in September, I wrote out your weekly schedule (who would be staying with you each of the nights, when library books were due, what was for lunch at school, etc), and you refused to throw it away when we got home. It's still hanging in your room right now... 9 months later. I admit I have had to throw things away behind your back because you would want to keep every little piece of homework, trinket from camp, old clothes, etc. I love how attached you feel to things, but they are merely things, and we are working on explaining that to you.

7. You LOVE: rolls, challah, butter, skipping rocks, Sprite, candy, chocolate, really hot showers, "smoradillas" (tortilla with Nutella, marshmallow creme, and crunched up graham cracker), chicken pot pie, inviting anyone to do anything with us anywhere at anytime, back scratches, GFC, Slurpees, jelly sandwiches, swimming, being part of a team, reading with me, usurping my computer to try to do your own shopping on Amazon (not happening, buddy!), bagels with cream cheese, and... did I mention gaming??

8. You're a little bit of a thrill seeker. You like roller coasters. You will cuss under your breath to see if you can get away with it. You are curious about what might happen if you did something risky - jump from a certain height, touch a sharp object, for example. Your favorite part of Cub Scouts this year was being able to learn how to use your own pocket knife. You learned how to whittle wood and this was captivating to you. Dad built a fire pit in our backyard, and you enjoy lighting sticks on fire and watching them burn. You want to learn to do all kinds of tricks on your scooter and your bike. You were stoked to start sparing at karate, but when you were actually all geared up and in the "ring," you weren't so keen on the idea of someone hitting you or hitting others. Which leads me to the next point... you are more talk than action.

9. You are such a sensitive boy who can also be anxious and fearful. You may project a tough, cool, "nothing bothers me" persona, but there are many things that frighten you or make you worried. You have been anxious about the coronavirus, making sure people keep their distance or don't touch your things. You and Knox have had a rough year as brothers (whereas you and Quinn turned a major corner when Quinn started going to school with you this year). When Knox started telling his preschool teacher that he only has one brother (Quinn) because he doesn't like you, you found out. You were really hurt by this and wanted to know what you could do to change it. You two butt heads a lot lately, but I think you're realizing he just wants your attention, and if you give it to him kindly and with patience, he will adore you... it's just that both of you don't have a lot of patience at all! You've made a lot of improvements in the sleep area (in part thanks to Ms. Kim), but you'd still much rather sleep in our room or have Dad or me sleep in your bed with you (which we have allowed with Hanukkah coupons this last semester). There are still certain songs that make you sad or teary, and you will cry when movies or books are sad (Bridge to Terabithia,  for example).You continue to have a strong gag reflex, and you will easily vomit if you feel nervous about something. One night we had been talking about Tuck Everlasting and the fact that we don't live forever, and the conversation made you uneasy and anxious. You said, "I don't feel so good," and ran to the toilet. You feel your feelings all over your body, and while I hate this for you, I also love this about you. I love that you feel and feel hard. I love that you are in touch with your emotions and your softer side. When no one is looking, you will shower me with affection, and when no one is listening and you have my ear all to yourself, you will tell me your innermost feelings. And, at the end of every day, you say the same thing to Dad and I every single night, "Sit on the couch couch, and check on me in six minutes. I love you more... I love you more... I love you more...."

EDITED to add after your well-check on 6/23/20:
Weight: 63.2 pounds = 50th percentile
Height: 51 inches = 25th percentile
BMI: 17 = 70th percentile

Your birthday was spent at home - social distancing during this crazy COVID-19 outbreak. As has become tradition, we read your "I Believe" on your last night of being 8. We sat on the "couch couch" and reminisced about your year with your brothers, Dad, and me. You teared up a little at the end, knowing getting older is bittersweet. You had a great year as an 8-year-old, and it's hard to leave that behind, but you also know there is still so much more ahead. The next morning, you were the first one up, so when everyone else woke up, we serenaded you with "Happy Birthday" and showered you with a few balloons on the downstairs couch. You requested Einstein's for breakfast, and later in the day, Aunt Kira, Levi, Damon, and Grandma came by to give you a few fun things! Aunt Kira and Levi showed you a birthday poster which had some money attached, and Grandma brought you a wrapped gift, a new scooter, from her and Papa. They stayed while we cracked open a pinata I had made (a coronavirus one) which really wasn't for your birthday, but it was definitely more fun to do that day! Then, we ate some lunch before singing "Happy Birthday" and having you blow out your birthday candles. When you pulled out the decoration, a few dollars popped out of the cake! You were excited to see that cash, but when the dollars bunched, the "money cake holder" came out of the cake and our surprise was botched a little. Oh well. Later Beebee came by to give you a card and present (an Amazon gift card) and then even later, Big Boss came by with a gift (an airplane assembly kit). After dinner (Friday's take out), I showed you the VidHug video your friends, family, and teachers helped me create by sending in special birthday video messages the weeks before your big day. You adored this video! You laughed, smiled, and even teared up through it all. Such sweet messages from great people in your life... such a gift for me, too! Finally, your "party" started at 8:15. 7 friends joined us in the backyard for a special late night movie (National Treasure), popcorn, and cupcakes. Your day was filled with some of your favorite things: Coke, Reese's, staying up late, Red Velvet, friends, money, gifts, gaming, attention, and spending the night in my bed.

Banner Boone, I know I'm hard on you, I have high expectations of you, and we get on each others' nerves a lot. I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I know this will not change, and as you've gotten older and we are learning each other more and more --- you doing your best to do your job of testing me and experience, experiment, and explore and me doing my job of trying to figure out how to parent and how to set boundaries while allowing you the freedom to be you --- I know we are doing a really great dance together. As I've told you in nearly every letter I've written to you before, I've never been a parent before to a kid your age, and every stage in your life is a new stage in mine as well. People may give advice to Dad and me or judge what decisions we make (like..... to medicate or not, to allow more or less screen time, to allow you to stay up late or go to the park by yourself or setting rules for how you save, spend, or make money, . . . the list is never-ending), but the truth is we are the only ones who have ever been your parent, and we are on this road navigating WITH you and FOR you.

I once told you to think of these upcoming pre-teen and teenage years as a bridge from childhood to adulthood, and our job is to get you from one side of the stream to the other without falling off that bridge. There are times when we will say no to something or guide you where you don't like, but it's only because we see what's on the other side of the bridge and want you to get there in one piece. Once you are there safely, you can do as you please, but until then, you know what our number one job is, because we remind you all the time: to keep you safe. Our second job is to keep you healthy. After that, our job includes making sure you are kind and polite, feel confident, loved, and accepted, and are able to learn, voice your feelings, and ask for help when you need it.  If you get to the other side with those key components, we have done our job well - even if there are times you don't like the decisions we make along the bridge.

My sweet boy, you are a joy and a challenge daily. I've loved watching you grow this year. I have a feeling this year will be a big one for you as you mature and grow up in many ways. While you may not like that I'm asking you to do more and more for yourself, you are finding a lot of confidence in the fact that you really can do so many things. You have become a helper to your brothers, and even though the sibling rivalry can be strong, you really want them to love you and you to love them back. And oh how we all do  - love you so very much! I wish you the very best as you turn NINE! This golden birthday of yours (nine on the ninth) is going to be a lucky one for you I hope! And I can't wait to see all the bright things in your future!!

I love you forever, my Angel Baby!
Happy Birthday!
Love,
Mommy

Last picture as an 8-year-old

Some of my favorite photos of you or us from the year:

And Another Year Makes FOUR: Knox's Newsletter

Dear Knox,
SO much to say, yet so exhausted after a very active, busy day with you! I feel like we so captured your year last night when we sat in your room and read your "I Believe" with you - reminiscing about your past year of crazy, fun, silly, exciting, fantastic things. Lots of laughs from you, Daddy, and your brothers about all the great memories we've made this year. It's become one of my favorite things we do to honor and celebrate each of my son's - reflecting on the age before we bid it goodbye. Yet, here you are, FOUR already! And, I want to tell you what you're like NOW:

-You are so giggly when it comes to being surprised. Like when Daddy "accidentally" turns off the lights while you're going to the bathroom or  when I turn on a song and it starts abruptly with a loud, powerful burst of music, you just laugh so hard.

-You wear your feelings ALL over your body. Your faces, your shrugs, your pouts. You fully feel what you are experiencing, and it can be read from across the room.

-Speaking of feelings, your anger is big. This year, we've worried a lot about your anger. We noticed these feelings brewing starting around the same time school started this year. You just seem angry and frustrated quite often. You yell a LOT. You show your anger with a "fish face" - sucked in cheeks, biting on them from the inside, furrowing your brows, and glaring at the person or thing you are pissed at. You want to throw whatever upset you away, or put that person in jail, or tell us that said person or thing is "stupid." "That Lego is so stupid! We need to throw it away!" Usually, you re-center when I say something like, "Okay, I'll throw it away!" You'll say, "I'm just kidding..." but it's taken a long time to get you to cool down that quickly! I do other things to help you, like telling you to "blow me away," and you'll take a nice, long, deep breath to try to blow me over. Sometimes you like to just listen to my heartbeat, which quiets you down quickly. Your breathing begins to match mine, and you just want to be held. I do worry so, sweet boy. I hate to see you so angry and quick to get frustrated.

-You LOVE to pretend, and I LOVE watching you! You "talk on the phone" to your friends, and that "phone" can be anything - a walkie talkie, a picture, a toilet paper tube. You build Lego (Duplo) structures to become anything you want. You will sit and play with your Peppa Pig playhouse for a long time and make up stories. At school, you "go on trips" with your friends and play house, too. The last few months, you've been telling us you are a dog, and usually that dog has a name - most recently, "Hook." In fact, tonight, we saw a dog in a car parked outside Chuck E. Cheese's, and you said, "It's like me. It's a dog like me."

-You have continued to have an imaginary friend, Phono. You drop information about him every now and then - that he can fly, that he is still at Greene Family Camp even though we came home, that he is getting married, that he's going to jail... it's different all the time, but you continue to entertain us all with your stories about Phono.

-My favorite things you say: "glubs" (gloves), "pesketti," "aminal," "young lady," "little man," "young man,""what's my butt doing?" "sweet Hanukkah (or New Year or Birthday or Valentine) dreams," and of course, "I love you."

-You love color baths, M&M yogurt, chocolate milk, apple juice, Ms. Bev, YouTube Kids, swimming, giving me "stuck" kisses, using our phones to make character videos and sending them to the other parent, the color green, watching Teen Titans Go, wearing your brown hoodie fully zipped, saying "eyeball" to make anything seem funnier.

-You're really picking up your letters and sounds. Thanks to the help of Letter Factory, the tried and true way your big brothers learned their letters, you love learning about the alphabet. V and Y confuse you, as do G and J, but otherwise, you're really good at your lettters.

-In November, we had your fall conference with your teachers, Bev & Jake. You are working on your fine motor skills, something you have not enjoyed at all until more recently. You like to draw, mostly scribble, and you tire easily. We are working on this and just trying to get you to have fun with writing/drawing/coloring.

-One of the hardest things with you is taking pictures. You are beyond squirmy and do ANYTHING but smile for the camera. It's impossible to get you to look at the camera, stay still, and smile. You do like to pose yourself in a hilarious stance - one ankle crossed over the other, a lean against whatever is nearby, and a thumb and index finger pointing at the camera (seen here on Yom Kippur).

-You've gotten really good at swimming! You willingly and easily go to Emler for swim lessons now, and you follow your teachers' instructions well. You're still not coming up for air on your own, and you don't roll over independently, but I'm hoping by the end of this semester that you are able to do that.

-You have a nervous habit: taking your index finger and stroking it back from the corner of your mouth across your cheek. I notice it when you seem unsure of something whether it's of yourself or what is to come or when something will happen. Lately, I've been using it as a sign to hold your hand or check in with you.

-You are wearing size 4T clothes, size 4 underwear, and size 9.5 shoes. You wake up around 7:15am and go to bed around 8:00. You're still taking Zyrtec every night, and starting today you get to take TWO gummy vitamins instead of one, and that makes you very happy!

Knox Morgan, you are a big ball of energy! You seem to have two modes: asleep ... and loud. You're either turned off, or you are wild. You rarely stop moving until you are asleep. You make your presence known wherever you go. I notice it's hard for you to be the little one, always competing for attention, so you use your voice to shout and to demand everyone listen to you. You love attention, and if you're not getting it, you will do whatever you can to be sure we pay attention to you. As a third child, you most definitely get away with things your brothers couldn't at this age, and they notice that we give in to you more than we should. We know. And we are working on it, but damn, you are persistent and difficult from time to time. Usually all you really want is to be heard and seen and given the same level of attention as everyone else. You know you are my baby, and you milk that for all it's worth! I think it's hard for me to remember just how big you are getting, as I still - from time to time - cater to you like you're itty bitty. And, there's a big part of me that doesn't want you to grow up.

I find myself feeling very unsettled before each of my children's birthdays - clinging to their age and stage for dear life, not wanting to watch you become older. But, then, lo and behold, the day is upon us, and I fully embrace the new year ahead. We met our four year old Knox this morning - greeting you with a balloon wake-up and donuts and kolaches for all. Then, we headed to your birthday party, a joint party with Levi at Cheeky Monkey's this year, then opened some exciting gifts, played outside, ate dinner at Chuck E. Cheese's, and let you have your choice of what color tablets you wanted in your bath and what show we got to watch before bedtime tonight. And through it all, I realize you aren't any different today than you were yesterday, but I can't believe that little baby I held on my bare chest is already four today. That day we met seems like yesterday. As I watched you play at Chuck E. Cheese's tonight, walking around cutely confident, I can see you with equal vividness being born into this world, cuddling on my chest only seconds old. That's the weird part about being a parent. I see you, aging while still finding that infant in your face every day. And the bittersweetness of parenting is holding on to you so little, wanting to freeze time, yet wanting to watch you grow, unwrapping the big boy, teenager, young man you are going to become. There's nothing better than watching your kids grow up - for certain, I wouldn't want it any other way! But, it's also spectacular that in my mind, you are still that little nugget with a drooly grin, a wisp of longer hair growing behind your right ear, and a dimple on your left cheek peeking through.

Every moment, of every day, I hope you know how very much I love you. Your "threenage" year is behind us, and I'm holding on for dear life as the "fournado" year comes barreling through. No matter what, we got this. I got you. I will never for one second not be here for you through these times of figuring out who you are and how your independence presents itself. For better or worse, we are on the edge of our seats awaiting the year ahead! How exciting it is to be in the eye (or should I say, "eyeball?") of the storm!

Happy Birthday, Knoxipoo!
I LOVE you!
Love,
Mommy

Last photo as a 3-year-old!

I ask to take a picture of you... and this is what I get.

 Or this...

Or this.

The Amber Necklace

This evening, Knox came up to me after dinner, in the middle of our movie night and asked that I take off his necklace. Internally, my heart sank, but I obliged, unscrewed the clasp, and asked why he didn't want it on. He didn't give a clear reason, or if he did - I was still processing the question to pay attention... but I told him if he changed his mind to let me know, and I'd put it back on. I glanced at Sam, who was also feeling the sadness I was. We knew this moment was coming, and to be honest, it took a year longer to arrive than I anticipated. 

When Knox was 10-months-old, he was having major sleep issues. Well past the age of needing midnight feeds, past the 2-week-long hell that was breaking his first tooth, and past my breaking point of being able to handle little sleep, I looked for ANY aid. I had heard people mention that amber necklaces could give comfort to little ones who may be teething or having other pains. Apparently, the warmth of the body released some kind of magic and unleashed endless benefits to a suffering, sleepless baby. Not one to "believe" in the powers of ancient voodoo, I was reluctant to succumb to my internal eye rolls and purchase an amber necklace at the old Nappy Shop nearby. I swore I'd never put a string of beads around my infant's neck, presenting a choking hazard into my child's crib at night (or any other time, for that matter). Who could possibly buy into this crazy, hippie, granola B.S? But, alas, delirium had set in, and I was making a purchase - along with essential oils, teething beads, and Punkin Butt Teething Oil. I know I exited the store with a loss of pride but a lot of hope. 

I put these beads of doom around my 10-month-old baby's neck, hoping I wasn't about to create a death trap as everyone had warned. I went to bed that night with the same amount of anxiety I had when I put my babies to bed on their bellies and not their backs for the first night as newborns. (Yes, this cautious mother ignored every warning out there and did what she knew was right for her kids. Judge me.) Sam and I weren't expecting any kind of miracle, but lo and behold... our boy slept. For the first time in we couldn't remember when, Knox slept soundly through the entire night. 

We never took the necklace off. He never had a sleep issue again. 

Except, about 10 months later, around 20-months-old or so, Knox started getting a rash around his neck. I started to think the necklace was too tight. I went back to the Nappy Shop to buy a longer amber necklace. When the woman behind the counter asked me why I wanted a different one, I explained what I was seeing on Knox's neck. She said he really shouldn't need a different size for years. She advised taking the necklace off of him, cleaning it really with a toothbrush, soap, and water, and allowing the sun to dry it. Apparently, this would "recharge" whatever mystic material gets released by body heat. So, I went home and did as she said. But, I forgot to grab the necklace from outside before Knox went to bed. That night, Knox had a horrible night. I remember sitting in the dark with Sam wondering what to do to get our toddler back to sleep. Sam, the skeptic, said, "Get that necklace back on him and never take it off again!"

The following day, we got the necklace back on him. And, it hasn't come off one time until tonight.

It's become a part of Knox. Literally, it's been everywhere with him. I never fully believed his sleeping was due to the amber necklace, but we never wanted to "jinx" it again. So, it's stayed a part of him, and I couldn't bear the thought of taking it off of him when it had become his style. It looks cool, and it is so him. Just like the little tuft of hair that grew behind his right ear from the day he was born until his first haircut, this is part of Knox. 

So, on this second night in over 3 years that our boy will go to sleep without his amber around his neck, I felt we owed it to the necklace to pay tribute, to say thank you, to embrace the adventures it's seen with our youngest son. The first days of school, the doctor's appointments, the swim lessons, the family holidays, the vacations, the play dates, the parties, the illnesses, the last days of school, the birthdays, the days at camp, the scary and funny and frustrating and silly times, every photo, every hug, every bath... you've been there with our boy, and we just want to say thank you. Thank you for the sleep! Thank you for the comfort you gave our boy. Thank you for being a part of the majority of his first 4 years. He will look different tomorrow, unless of course, he asks for you back!

Amid Evil Times

Two weeks ago, we took the boys to Medieval Times for a fun family dinner. Banner and Quinn had each been once before, but this was Knox's first time there, and we all had such a great time both watching the show and watching Knox take in all the excitement of the knights and the battles. I've been several times, and to be honest, I've never truly paid much attention to the drama. I watch the feuds, watch the horses and the talents of the knights, but I have never really listened to the speaker telling the back story. Perhaps the story is the same every time, but I'd have no idea if that is the case. On this particular visit, I really listened, though - really tried to follow a story line.

This visit, we were the Red and Yellow team, cheering on the Red & Yellow Knight. We sat immediately opposite of the entrance, and on our sides were the Blue team and the Green team. We were told these were our allies so we should cheer for our knight as well as theirs. This was the first time I remember a mention of allies at all. Sam and I caught each others' attention and agreed this was the first time we'd heard something like that. Apparently we were all part of one bigger village or area - that whole half of the arena. We were "enemies" of the other half - the Red Knight, the Black & White Knight, and the Yellow Knight. We were to boo loudly for those colors.

Our knight did really well all evening. In fact, he won every duel, and in the final challenges of the tournament, he was one of the last knights standing. We were so excited that maybe OUR knight was going to win the whole tournament. Right before the penultimate battle, the queen had some dialogue with the Red & Yellow Knight. At one point, he made some condescending response to her about women leading the land and how men should be in charge and he didn't really need to listen to her. Now, here we were cheering for our guy and all of a sudden, listening to this banter between him and the queen, I stopped cheering, realizing I didn't really like what I was hearing. Sam and I looked at each other, wondering what we had just really heard. I mouthed to him, "Wait, no.... what?" I was perplexed.

But, then the queen's conversation with our knight ended, and she began talking with our knight's challenger, asking him to defend her honor and fight the Red & Yellow Knight in her name. I found myself conflicted. I wanted our guy to win the tournament, but I didn't really like what he was saying. And, I liked the way the challenger was so supportive of the queen. As the Red & Yellow Knight and the Yellow Knight battled, I didn't really know who to cheer for. Of course, the boys were yelling for our guy, but Sam and I were kind of quietly clapping - not really sure who we were routing for. Suddenly, I didn't want to be sitting with the Red & Yellow team. But, for nearly 2 hours, I had sat there cheering on our Red & Yellow Knight, wearing the Red & Yellow striped crown on my head, yelling "Go, Red & Yellow Knight!!" Only two hours, and I felt it difficult to sever ties with our knight. But I could not support the very unchivalrous comments he was making to the queen.

You can see where I'm going with this, right? The only thing I could think about in those last 20 minutes or so was "This is what it feels like to be a Republican." Laugh all you want, but it was so clear to me in that moment just how powerful allegiance to a team can feel. Sam and I discussed our feelings and thoughts about this experience on the way home, and neither of us had to say the words Democrat or Republican to know each of us felt the exact same way. That tie was strong to our fictitious knight. The evening ended and nothing had changed in real life - except my understanding of how it is so hard to leave the team you are hoping would win when they start saying things you don't truly believe.

Yet, we did. We stopped cheering for the Red & Yellow Knight. We backed off the yelling and clapping. We stopped encouraging our kids to cheer loudly. And, when the opponent won, we clapped. Maybe not as loudly as we would have if we had originally been on the Yellow team, but we did cheer. Goodness had won; chivalry had won; kindness had won. I was proud to have stopped cheering for our loser. He was mean and not worth fighting for. And I wanted the other guests in our "village" to stop cheering for him, too.

We are a nation divided. We are at odds with each other over politics, and it's awful. The way we speak to one another, listen or not to each other - all based on what "team" you are on? This is not the America I once knew. I've become bitter toward so many people based on which way they vote, and I know it. I am not happy about that part of me - but I also wish everyone would take a really hard look at which side of the arena they are on and be sure they are there for the right reasons. Are they there because they were told to be, like we were told to go sit in the Red & Yellow Knight's section? Are they there because they truly believe this is the knight who is going to do right by them?

Which team are you on? Are your allegiances too strong to say "This guy is a jerk; he does not represent what I feel or know to be true?" Or, are you able to really look at "your knight" and see his huge flaws and then back away from him even though it's hard to stop supporting the guy you thought he was?

President Trump is an evil, awful person. His supporters baffle me; I don’t understand following and applauding a "leader" who is ill-intentioned, untruthful, and narcissistic. But I "get" it. It's hard to change your loyalties. I've had to question my own, and while I agree that when I see a "D" next to a politician's name I immediately think I'll agree with him/her, I firmly believe I'm on the morally right LEFT side. Yes, there are some difficult topics to grapple with, and I'm not 100% liberal on all of them, but geez, morality is not on the other side of this arena. These are "evil times," and I really hope if you've been cheering for the wrong knight this whole time that you are able to step back and make a better choice. Take others along with you who may be too scared, anxious, sad, nervous, embarrassed, or overwhelmed to do it on their own. You don't have to keep cheering for the wrong guy.

Love is Love

Dear Banner, Quinn, & Knox,
I love you three with all my heart - every last little piece of it. I want you to know that no matter who you love, my love for and acceptance of you will never change. I want you to know that no matter what you call yourself, I love you and will forever have intense, strong, and unwavering love for you. I want you to know that it breaks my heart that not every parent can say that to their children.

It is almost the year 2020, and it is still considered "controversial" and "offensive" for some people to be their true selves. I want you to know, the only thing I will ever find "offensive" is if you feel you can't be your true self with me. If you ever feel that you have to hide yourself from me or be worried about my love for you, I will have failed you and this parenting gig.

When you came into the world, and when I held you just moments after, each one of you had my whole heart. Each one of you were pronounced male, and you had all the anatomy of a "boy" baby. But, if those doctors were wrong in telling us that, or we have been led astray, and you are really something other than "male" or other than "boy," you have the right to correct us. You have the right to tell us who you are or how you feel at any time, and my love for you will stay constant, in place, and unchanged.

There will NEVER be ANYTHING that you could do that will make me reject you or push you away from me. I will never turn my back on you - ever.

One day, you will fall in love. You may fall in love many times over the course of your life. I want you to know that as long as you are well-treated by the person who is lucky enough to receive the love you give them, I will support your desire to spend your time with that person. I will celebrate that love. I will support you in pursuing those relationships that make you happy and healthy.

I want you to know that there are times when the world around us sends messages that are different than what I'm telling you. There are companies that will give money to organizations that feel differently than I do. There are ads you'll never see because they're deemed too "controversial" for showing certain loving relationships. There are television programs that will never air because some executive decided some people aren't worthy of being seen displaying their affection publicly. I want you to know I do not approve of their unwillingness to embrace love - their shunning of people who don't follow whatever made-up rules they think everyone should live by. I hope you will agree that your friends and family are free to love who they want and should be accepted for who they are without your judgment. I will always support love, and I will always support you.

Sometimes we as parents forget to say blatantly what we want our kids to know. I sure hope you feel all of this already, at even these young ages of 8, 6, and 3. But, just in case you aren't sure or you ever have to think about it, you are loved unconditionally. That means if you are girls and not boys, we love you. If you are gay, we love you. If you are straight, we love you. If you are bisexual, we love you. If you are a boy sometimes and a girl other times, we love you. If you aren't attracted to anyone ever, we love you. If you don't have a gender, we love you. You get the point. Love is love, and mine is forever yours!

Love,
Mom

P.S. I have read this letter to Dad, and he wants me to include that he feels "the exact same way."