The Amber Necklace

This evening, Knox came up to me after dinner, in the middle of our movie night and asked that I take off his necklace. Internally, my heart sank, but I obliged, unscrewed the clasp, and asked why he didn't want it on. He didn't give a clear reason, or if he did - I was still processing the question to pay attention... but I told him if he changed his mind to let me know, and I'd put it back on. I glanced at Sam, who was also feeling the sadness I was. We knew this moment was coming, and to be honest, it took a year longer to arrive than I anticipated. 

When Knox was 10-months-old, he was having major sleep issues. Well past the age of needing midnight feeds, past the 2-week-long hell that was breaking his first tooth, and past my breaking point of being able to handle little sleep, I looked for ANY aid. I had heard people mention that amber necklaces could give comfort to little ones who may be teething or having other pains. Apparently, the warmth of the body released some kind of magic and unleashed endless benefits to a suffering, sleepless baby. Not one to "believe" in the powers of ancient voodoo, I was reluctant to succumb to my internal eye rolls and purchase an amber necklace at the old Nappy Shop nearby. I swore I'd never put a string of beads around my infant's neck, presenting a choking hazard into my child's crib at night (or any other time, for that matter). Who could possibly buy into this crazy, hippie, granola B.S? But, alas, delirium had set in, and I was making a purchase - along with essential oils, teething beads, and Punkin Butt Teething Oil. I know I exited the store with a loss of pride but a lot of hope. 

I put these beads of doom around my 10-month-old baby's neck, hoping I wasn't about to create a death trap as everyone had warned. I went to bed that night with the same amount of anxiety I had when I put my babies to bed on their bellies and not their backs for the first night as newborns. (Yes, this cautious mother ignored every warning out there and did what she knew was right for her kids. Judge me.) Sam and I weren't expecting any kind of miracle, but lo and behold... our boy slept. For the first time in we couldn't remember when, Knox slept soundly through the entire night. 

We never took the necklace off. He never had a sleep issue again. 

Except, about 10 months later, around 20-months-old or so, Knox started getting a rash around his neck. I started to think the necklace was too tight. I went back to the Nappy Shop to buy a longer amber necklace. When the woman behind the counter asked me why I wanted a different one, I explained what I was seeing on Knox's neck. She said he really shouldn't need a different size for years. She advised taking the necklace off of him, cleaning it really with a toothbrush, soap, and water, and allowing the sun to dry it. Apparently, this would "recharge" whatever mystic material gets released by body heat. So, I went home and did as she said. But, I forgot to grab the necklace from outside before Knox went to bed. That night, Knox had a horrible night. I remember sitting in the dark with Sam wondering what to do to get our toddler back to sleep. Sam, the skeptic, said, "Get that necklace back on him and never take it off again!"

The following day, we got the necklace back on him. And, it hasn't come off one time until tonight.

It's become a part of Knox. Literally, it's been everywhere with him. I never fully believed his sleeping was due to the amber necklace, but we never wanted to "jinx" it again. So, it's stayed a part of him, and I couldn't bear the thought of taking it off of him when it had become his style. It looks cool, and it is so him. Just like the little tuft of hair that grew behind his right ear from the day he was born until his first haircut, this is part of Knox. 

So, on this second night in over 3 years that our boy will go to sleep without his amber around his neck, I felt we owed it to the necklace to pay tribute, to say thank you, to embrace the adventures it's seen with our youngest son. The first days of school, the doctor's appointments, the swim lessons, the family holidays, the vacations, the play dates, the parties, the illnesses, the last days of school, the birthdays, the days at camp, the scary and funny and frustrating and silly times, every photo, every hug, every bath... you've been there with our boy, and we just want to say thank you. Thank you for the sleep! Thank you for the comfort you gave our boy. Thank you for being a part of the majority of his first 4 years. He will look different tomorrow, unless of course, he asks for you back!

Amid Evil Times

Two weeks ago, we took the boys to Medieval Times for a fun family dinner. Banner and Quinn had each been once before, but this was Knox's first time there, and we all had such a great time both watching the show and watching Knox take in all the excitement of the knights and the battles. I've been several times, and to be honest, I've never truly paid much attention to the drama. I watch the feuds, watch the horses and the talents of the knights, but I have never really listened to the speaker telling the back story. Perhaps the story is the same every time, but I'd have no idea if that is the case. On this particular visit, I really listened, though - really tried to follow a story line.

This visit, we were the Red and Yellow team, cheering on the Red & Yellow Knight. We sat immediately opposite of the entrance, and on our sides were the Blue team and the Green team. We were told these were our allies so we should cheer for our knight as well as theirs. This was the first time I remember a mention of allies at all. Sam and I caught each others' attention and agreed this was the first time we'd heard something like that. Apparently we were all part of one bigger village or area - that whole half of the arena. We were "enemies" of the other half - the Red Knight, the Black & White Knight, and the Yellow Knight. We were to boo loudly for those colors.

Our knight did really well all evening. In fact, he won every duel, and in the final challenges of the tournament, he was one of the last knights standing. We were so excited that maybe OUR knight was going to win the whole tournament. Right before the penultimate battle, the queen had some dialogue with the Red & Yellow Knight. At one point, he made some condescending response to her about women leading the land and how men should be in charge and he didn't really need to listen to her. Now, here we were cheering for our guy and all of a sudden, listening to this banter between him and the queen, I stopped cheering, realizing I didn't really like what I was hearing. Sam and I looked at each other, wondering what we had just really heard. I mouthed to him, "Wait, no.... what?" I was perplexed.

But, then the queen's conversation with our knight ended, and she began talking with our knight's challenger, asking him to defend her honor and fight the Red & Yellow Knight in her name. I found myself conflicted. I wanted our guy to win the tournament, but I didn't really like what he was saying. And, I liked the way the challenger was so supportive of the queen. As the Red & Yellow Knight and the Yellow Knight battled, I didn't really know who to cheer for. Of course, the boys were yelling for our guy, but Sam and I were kind of quietly clapping - not really sure who we were routing for. Suddenly, I didn't want to be sitting with the Red & Yellow team. But, for nearly 2 hours, I had sat there cheering on our Red & Yellow Knight, wearing the Red & Yellow striped crown on my head, yelling "Go, Red & Yellow Knight!!" Only two hours, and I felt it difficult to sever ties with our knight. But I could not support the very unchivalrous comments he was making to the queen.

You can see where I'm going with this, right? The only thing I could think about in those last 20 minutes or so was "This is what it feels like to be a Republican." Laugh all you want, but it was so clear to me in that moment just how powerful allegiance to a team can feel. Sam and I discussed our feelings and thoughts about this experience on the way home, and neither of us had to say the words Democrat or Republican to know each of us felt the exact same way. That tie was strong to our fictitious knight. The evening ended and nothing had changed in real life - except my understanding of how it is so hard to leave the team you are hoping would win when they start saying things you don't truly believe.

Yet, we did. We stopped cheering for the Red & Yellow Knight. We backed off the yelling and clapping. We stopped encouraging our kids to cheer loudly. And, when the opponent won, we clapped. Maybe not as loudly as we would have if we had originally been on the Yellow team, but we did cheer. Goodness had won; chivalry had won; kindness had won. I was proud to have stopped cheering for our loser. He was mean and not worth fighting for. And I wanted the other guests in our "village" to stop cheering for him, too.

We are a nation divided. We are at odds with each other over politics, and it's awful. The way we speak to one another, listen or not to each other - all based on what "team" you are on? This is not the America I once knew. I've become bitter toward so many people based on which way they vote, and I know it. I am not happy about that part of me - but I also wish everyone would take a really hard look at which side of the arena they are on and be sure they are there for the right reasons. Are they there because they were told to be, like we were told to go sit in the Red & Yellow Knight's section? Are they there because they truly believe this is the knight who is going to do right by them?

Which team are you on? Are your allegiances too strong to say "This guy is a jerk; he does not represent what I feel or know to be true?" Or, are you able to really look at "your knight" and see his huge flaws and then back away from him even though it's hard to stop supporting the guy you thought he was?

President Trump is an evil, awful person. His supporters baffle me; I don’t understand following and applauding a "leader" who is ill-intentioned, untruthful, and narcissistic. But I "get" it. It's hard to change your loyalties. I've had to question my own, and while I agree that when I see a "D" next to a politician's name I immediately think I'll agree with him/her, I firmly believe I'm on the morally right LEFT side. Yes, there are some difficult topics to grapple with, and I'm not 100% liberal on all of them, but geez, morality is not on the other side of this arena. These are "evil times," and I really hope if you've been cheering for the wrong knight this whole time that you are able to step back and make a better choice. Take others along with you who may be too scared, anxious, sad, nervous, embarrassed, or overwhelmed to do it on their own. You don't have to keep cheering for the wrong guy.

Love is Love

Dear Banner, Quinn, & Knox,
I love you three with all my heart - every last little piece of it. I want you to know that no matter who you love, my love for and acceptance of you will never change. I want you to know that no matter what you call yourself, I love you and will forever have intense, strong, and unwavering love for you. I want you to know that it breaks my heart that not every parent can say that to their children.

It is almost the year 2020, and it is still considered "controversial" and "offensive" for some people to be their true selves. I want you to know, the only thing I will ever find "offensive" is if you feel you can't be your true self with me. If you ever feel that you have to hide yourself from me or be worried about my love for you, I will have failed you and this parenting gig.

When you came into the world, and when I held you just moments after, each one of you had my whole heart. Each one of you were pronounced male, and you had all the anatomy of a "boy" baby. But, if those doctors were wrong in telling us that, or we have been led astray, and you are really something other than "male" or other than "boy," you have the right to correct us. You have the right to tell us who you are or how you feel at any time, and my love for you will stay constant, in place, and unchanged.

There will NEVER be ANYTHING that you could do that will make me reject you or push you away from me. I will never turn my back on you - ever.

One day, you will fall in love. You may fall in love many times over the course of your life. I want you to know that as long as you are well-treated by the person who is lucky enough to receive the love you give them, I will support your desire to spend your time with that person. I will celebrate that love. I will support you in pursuing those relationships that make you happy and healthy.

I want you to know that there are times when the world around us sends messages that are different than what I'm telling you. There are companies that will give money to organizations that feel differently than I do. There are ads you'll never see because they're deemed too "controversial" for showing certain loving relationships. There are television programs that will never air because some executive decided some people aren't worthy of being seen displaying their affection publicly. I want you to know I do not approve of their unwillingness to embrace love - their shunning of people who don't follow whatever made-up rules they think everyone should live by. I hope you will agree that your friends and family are free to love who they want and should be accepted for who they are without your judgment. I will always support love, and I will always support you.

Sometimes we as parents forget to say blatantly what we want our kids to know. I sure hope you feel all of this already, at even these young ages of 8, 6, and 3. But, just in case you aren't sure or you ever have to think about it, you are loved unconditionally. That means if you are girls and not boys, we love you. If you are gay, we love you. If you are straight, we love you. If you are bisexual, we love you. If you are a boy sometimes and a girl other times, we love you. If you aren't attracted to anyone ever, we love you. If you don't have a gender, we love you. You get the point. Love is love, and mine is forever yours!

Love,
Mom

P.S. I have read this letter to Dad, and he wants me to include that he feels "the exact same way."

Dear Leslie (8)

Dear Leslie,
This morning, I logged in to Facebook (yes, that's still very much a thing), and this photo popped up immediately. It was Banner's first Halloween. It was an infant play date we hosted at our house - only blocks from yours. It was a fun, silly time for these sweet babies, and it was filled with lots of picture taking and babies exploring each other and being overwhelmed with their ridiculous costumes. Banner was Swee'Pea that year. It was going to be our first-ever family Halloween costume ... with Sam as Popeye and me as Olive Oyl. Without our full ensemble, though, Banner looked absolutely ridiculous, and no one had any idea who he was supposed to be. Now I can laugh at that - but at the time, I was annoyed because it was such a cute idea gone terribly wrong. Soon, my frustration at his awful costume would be completely forgotten, as the news of the day would just shatter our evening plans and our hearts into a million pieces.

Every time I see this photo, those are the memories that I think about. The laughs, the cute-gone-wrong costume, the friends we had over, the excitement of babies' first Halloween and their adoring young mommies, and then, the inevitable call that would turn the day dark fast. Gayle screaming in the phone that her mom was dead, trying to get in touch with Sam, thinking this was a horrible prank on Halloween and wondering why you couldn't just treat us instead of trick us, and not knowing what the hell was really going on. It's clear as day in my mind. Thinking about it now, I'm immediately in my den at Darion. I'm holding the black wireless landline phone. My mind is numb to the news I'm completely in denial about. This is what this photo brings to mind now. 

And then it flashes forward to tonight with these little boogers you'd completely adore.

They are hilarious, silly, loud, affectionate, and insanely brilliant. And I'm not just saying those things as their mom... they really are all of those things. Each one of them in his own unique way. How I would LOVE to see how you would love them each! 

Now, to be fair, I want to tell you something I've never told you before. On that fateful Halloween 2011, I had enjoyed my time with my girlfriends who were my mom tribe that first year of motherhood. I complained about you. We were all bitching about our mothers-in-law, and you were no exception. I don't recall the exact details of what I said, but it wasn't exactly something I'd want you to hear me saying; and later that night I cried to those same girls, telling them how sorry I was for having spoken ill of you and how horrible I was feeling for voicing my frustrations and annoyance with the little things that I struggled with. Your quirks and weirdness just annoyed me from time to time, and to be honest, I've come to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings. However, I've also come to know that your idiosyncrasies are the same things that made you lovable and memorable. It is those things that make others you left behind feel so connected to you. We know what you would say or what you would do or how you would react because you were so perfectly YOU and didn't give a crap what anyone thought. You were loud, silly, opinionated, talkative, and loving, and many times all at once.

But, 8 years later, time continues to march on without you. Your influence continues, though, as I've told you in letters past. No one shies away from using your name in our house, and the boys are very aware of you. We even make what Sam refers to as "dead-Mom jokes" that often leave others uncomfortable and awkward. You know, talking about how much my mom helps with the kids, and "why can't your mom lift a finger to help!?" See? Awkward and weird, but it makes us laugh and helps make you part of the everyday conversation still. We joke and we include you in our own way. Yet, there are times when I wish I could ask you about Sam as a young boy, or how you would have handled some of his behaviors -- because Lord knows these boys did not get their devious ways from ME! :) I wish Sam's memory of his youth were better; I wish I could pick your brain. But, I can't, and these are the times that make me even sadder that you're not around.

So, Halloween has come and gone yet again, and that means another year without you has passed. Sam asked me this evening if the boys even know that you died on Halloween. I don't think they do. How would they? It's not the first thing I think about anymore on this day. My thoughts are about how to make this day great for them. The breakfasts with toast or pancakes shaped like ghosts, bats, or black cats, the costumes ready to go for the post-dinner meet-up with friends, and the candy baskets ready to be filled to the brim with sugar and chocolate. You are now an after-thought, and I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean that we have moved on to a happier place. Time and space have helped us. We don't focus on your death. We focus on your life, we focus on our memories, our stories. I have a feeling that's exactly what you would want. So, even though I look at that photo of Banner's first Halloween and have bittersweet feelings, I am grateful for all the Halloweens that have come since then, the memories that we continue to make and the days that followed that we take you along with us for the ride, even if we wish it could be more. 

Missing you always and keeping my promise to try to make every day a beautiful day,

Amber

Aluminum Anniversary: 10 Years!

As I'm writing this blog post, we are in the middle of the Caribbean on a cruise just Sam and me. It's been amazing, and it's only day 2! I wanted to start this post while we are here to look back at the last couple of weekends when we celebrated our 10th anniversary. I cannot believe it's been 10 years already... it's gone by in a flash. At the very same time, I can't believe it's ONLY been 10 years of marriage. Sam and I started our first stretch of dating in 1998, so this November makes 21 years of having the other in our lives as more than just friends. We've been together longer now than we haven't been, so to only be celebrating 10 years of marriage feels strange. But, that's where we are... 10 years. 10 years filled with laughter, with sadness, with silent treatments, with family and friends, with pregnancies and parenting, with little boys and all their things, with jobs and career decisions, with loss and mourning, but mostly with lots of love and joy.

We've had this cruise booked for 9 months now, so it was a surprise to me on the morning of our anniversary (September 6th), I woke up to find an envelope propped up on my bathroom faucet. It was addressed to My OTL (One True Love). Inside, there was an eloquent invitation and itinerary for the evening into the next day. Sam had arranged for the boys to go to my mom's for the night while we spent the night at the hotel where we were married. When we got to our hotel room, there was the most beautifully-wrapped gift laying perfectly across the pillows on the bed. I had a hard time wanting to even open it due to how gorgeously wrapped it was. But, I did, and inside was a canvas wrap of the musical arrangement of our wedding song: When You Love Someone. So amazing. I had not put as much thought and preparation into the gifts I gave to Sam that night, mostly because we had already planned this big trip to celebrate and we aren't big on gift giving. I had packed a 6-pack of beer since the traditional 10th anniversary gift is aluminum. I also gave Sam the most recent photo of us in a frame lined with aluminum foil. After the gifts, we had an amazing dinner at Capital Grill. We ate SO much food! Then, we went back to the hotel to watch the video Sam had made this year.

For those of you who don't know, on our first anniversary, I made Sam a video documenting our first year together. At the time, it was a surprise. The second year, I surprised him again, because he didn't anticipate that I'd do that again. After two years in a row, we decided to make the anniversary a yearly tradition, so... true to form, I created a tradition that requires a great deal of work and energy and attention and now wonder "what did I get myself into" every year. This being a big anniversary, I told Sam it would be so nice if HE would make the video after 9 years of ME doing it. He obliged last September, and he took the challenge on VERY well. He was super excited to share his work of art with me after dinner that night, and his work did not disappoint! He added in special effects I had never used before, and he captured our year so well. The songs, the photos, the editing- it was all great! He gained a new appreciation for the work I had put in all those years before, and now we have a plan to switch off every other year.

The following morning, we slept in, ate a nice brunch at the hotel, and then went to pick up the boys after running a few errands for Quinn's upcoming birthday party. That evening, we got to show the boys the anniversary video, which they also look forward to each year. I love watching them get so excited about seeing their special memories, seeing themselves, or dancing to the songs that become our family's greatest hits each year. They get excited to show the rest of the family our video, too.

We invited everyone the following weekend to come see Sam's finished product, and as in years past, we got to share with our village how much they mean to us and how much joy they have brought to us. Avery said, after viewing the video, it's just as fun for everyone else to watch some of the things THEY have done with us this year.  Then, we ate dinner, chatted, and played.

Throughout the next week, we just prepared for the cruise - telling the boys about our vacation, getting everything organized and our amazing help lined up, and getting excited about being back on the ocean. As our embarkation date approached, though, I have to say, I was getting anxious about leaving the boys for such a long time. One whole week away from three little boys is a LONG time. As a parent, you're never "off-duty," and the days and nights can be exhausting as you are constantly needed for some reason. We've been looking forward to a "break" - to sleep, to stay out late, to sleep in, to cater to OUR needs, to be served dinner and not have to cook it, to not hear the whining about what I've requested, to sleep, to rest, to veg out. But, as I stated above, you're never off-duty as a parent, so those worries, fears, and anxieties about being away are always on the back of my mind.

Leaving my boys behind was not easy, and I had some weird thoughts that left me wanting to prepare every little thing before I left - including letting my mom know where our will and our life insurance policies were. Luckily, as soon as we were on the plane, those weird thoughts vanished and I was able to be in the moment. We had such an amazing time - minus the odd drive to the airport with the Uber driver who played loud explicit music and kept the windows down the whole time... which was especially awkward when he picked us up at 6:30am on a Sunday morning in our suburban neighborhood. Poor Banner must have heard it, as he ran downstairs and out the front door to say goodbye to us when we tried to sneak out noiselessly. But I digress... we had a blast. Easy flight, easy transfer to the ship, and the whole week was so enjoyable to just be away from reality.

Our itinerary changed a bit to accommodate the hurricanes headed for two of our originally scheduled ports. We were supposed to go to St. Maarten and St. Thomas, but we were rerouted to Mexico instead (Cozumel and Costa Maya). We weren't thrilled about this change since we'd specifically flown to Florida to go to new destinations we'd never been to before, but we made the most of it and enjoyed the ship anyway. By far our favorite port, though, was Perfect Day at Coco Cay in the Bahamas. We went to the beach and just relaxed, people watched, ocean watched, and enjoyed an easy day of lounging and lunching. I went to use the restroom and Sam waited for me on a hammock he found nearby. I found him after, just swaying and relaxing. I joined him, and I have NEVER been more relaxed or stress-free. It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! It became the bar to which we measured everything later in the trip: "This ensaymada is amazing. It's no hammock, but it's amazing." Speaking of ensaymada... oh my goodness. We asked for some one night from our head waiter in the middle of our trip. Every night after he brought us a plate - until we told him no more; our bellies couldn't handle the yumminess after three nights! He was shocked we even knew what this Filipino bread was (we had learned about it on the cruise we took with the boys last year), and he couldn't get over the fact that we loved it so much!

My phone died - like literally wouldn't charge - half-way through our vacation. So, I don't have as many photos as I originally thought I would, BUT that was a good thing probably. I was more in the moment and not worried about capturing the images. Here's what I did get with Sam's phone (below). The last picture shows just how many trivia games we participated in. We like trivia, what can I say? :) What a fantastic trip we took! I can't thank our caretakers enough for allowing us to get away and know our boys were in good hands: Grandma, BeeBee, Avery, NaNa, Big Boss, Aunt Kira, and all of those who were on standby for us: Becca, Amanda, Cherie, and more family. When we got home, the boys were super excited to share with us all the things they got to do and what a different type of school-week they had. Lots of hugs and kisses awaited, and back in time to celebrate Rosh Hashanah and a new year ahead.

Leaving Florida

Bahamas

BEST HAMMOCK EVER

We saw an iguana creeping along while we relaxed on the hammock.

Sam got an All Access Tour - control room

Sam went to Costa Maya by himself - I had no interest in leaving the ship

I went down this 10-story slide: The Ultimate Abyss

I skinned my knee inside of it, but it was fun!

Then, I went Rock Climbing on board

Ensaymada

The last couple nights, Sam got two entrees because why not!?

On our balcony

American Flag Cake

We did a lot of TRIVIA games.

Sam, I love you so much and am so grateful that we had this amazing anniversary. I loved our alone time, I loved our together time, I loved our family time, I loved how we carved out chunks of time to celebrate us. Thank you for the trip, the video, our fancy dinner, our night at the hotel, and all the thought you put in to this milestone anniversary. Here's to 10 more! ;)