Open (Fire)House

Tonight, all the local fire departments had open houses to help celebrate Fire Prevention Week. So, after dinner, Sam and I took Banner up to the firehouse just around the corner from our house. As we got there, the fire engine was making its entrance into the big garage - with lights flashing and siren and horn blaring! Banner got a little frightened at first - put his bottom lip out and held tight to Daddy before calming down to see the truck. Perhaps it was a bit of an overload to start the visit with such chaos and loudness! But, nevertheless, it was a really fun evening. As soon as the engine pulled into the garage, the firefighters got called out again immediately! So, we had a whole garage to play in, a whole empty firehouse to explore, and a couple ambulances to sit in. Of course, Sparky stayed behind, along with a couple other firefighters and officers. I think Banner will appreciate this "field trip" more when he is older, but it was nice for Sam and I to participate and see where our local firefighters hang out. (We'd never seen a firehouse before, so it was pretty cool!) It was also a cool experience for Banner to see the trucks, hang out in one of the bunks, get a fire chief sticker, and later (once he was more comfortable and less freaked out) run around the big garage! Take a look at some of our pics from the night!

"Wee-ooo, Wee-ooo, Wee-ooo"

The firetruck was only here for a few seconds before it had to leave for an emergency

"Bye-bye Fire Truck"

Still a little uncertain of this place!

Not fond of the sticker, so we put it on his back and got an extra for when he doesn't mind so much!

Playing in an open bunk

Yes, he's barefoot.... forgot shoes! :)

Future firefighter?

Ready to go night-night!

16 Month Newsletter

Dear Banner,
What a big month this was for you, Angel! SO many big changes that make you an even more mature young boy than ever before, and I'm mourning my infant just a tad. But, I'm loving watching you grow into your own. Your little personality isn't so little anymore - it's a big, funny, strong-willed one! I am sensing more tantrums in our future as you become more and more adamant about wanting what you want when you want it (which is always NOW!). I'm walking a fine line everyday between teaching you to listen to Mommy and letting you have what you want. If at all possible, I try to make it so we both win, but that doesn't always happen. I'm pretty fair, and I make a few compromises with you, but I'm not sure if you would agree. My biggest defense in warding off a tantrum is PREVENTING one! I try really hard to always be prepared with snacks when I know you'll get hungry, with toys or books when I think you'll be bored, and sticking to a schedule when I anticipate your exhaustion. But, you're very curious, active, friendly, and INTO EVERYTHING. Like I've mentioned in posts before, you can open child-safe locks, you take things apart, you reach things from counter tops, you move furniture or other things to climb up to where you want to go, and you are very smart and calculating in how you get what you want! Even trashcans are not off limits for you, even though you say "Yucky!" as you reach into them, dragging any gross thing out of it and across the floor. If given the chance, you are very into exploring toilet bowls. And, because you are so friendly and adventurous, taking walks with you outside is getting very tricky as you explore whatever and WHOMever you want! You hate holding our hand unless you're getting tired, but we insist that you stay near us. Again, if given the chance, you would take off and be on your own if you could. Such a scary thought for a mommy! You're just a handful, Ban-Man, what can I say!?

What else have you been up to these days??

-Well, you officially take one nap a day now. We dropped your morning nap about two weeks ago, and you have done VERY well with this change. It was pretty seamless. We kind of alternated one-nap days and two-nap days for about a week or two when I was really unsure of how many naps you needed/wanted. You really enjoy your rest time, but when you started sleeping only at the first nap and just sitting there all of the second nap, I dropped that morning nap altogether. You've handled the change beautifully, and although the morning is a lot longer for Mommy, I think I've handled it well, too! :) It does give us a chance to get out of the house for longer periods of time to do fun stuff - like gymnastics, play dates, story time at the library, and visiting friends. Your schedule stays pretty busy these days, mostly in the mornings around 10:00 - which is perfect because that's when both of us start to get bored if we are just hanging out at home.

-You celebrated Papa's birthday and Myka's birthday, as well as Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this month. Early in the month, your Aunt Debbie and cousin Natalie were in town, so we got to spend a fun night with them at Zaide's house. We also went to the Aquarium with Aunt Kiki just yesterday!

-We introduced you to Sesame Street this month, and you seem to really like Elmo - you call him "Melmo." You really like watching his toothbrushing video before we brush your teeth at night.

-Speaking of toothbrushing... you hate it! We are now starting your bedtime routine with it because we want to get the whole process out of the way first (a tip I learned from the Sleep Lady book I've referenced since you were only a few weeks old). You are okay to do it on your own, but the minute Daddy or I start trying to "check" your work or help you, you refuse to open your mouth. Those back molars may rot out of your mouth if we don't get in there better - yet another example of the fine line between letting you have your way and making toothbrushing pleasant vs. Mommy and Daddy picking to fight this battle for the sake of your teeth but pissing you off in the meantime and making you hate the whole process!  The more teeth you get, the more important the cleaning process becomes, and FINALLY this month, you got another bottom tooth (just left of the two front ones). This brings your total visible tooth count to 9 (6 on top, 3 on bottom).

-You still really like Curious George. His counting book is one of your all-time favorites, along with Baby Farm Animals, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, and Baby's First Words (which you can basically "read" all by yourself since you know all the picture names in the book: shoes, socks, baby, car, ball, bib, cat, dog).

-You are learning more and more - showing us each day just how smart you are! You love labeling body parts on yourself and on us. You used to just point to them when we'd ask, but now you are starting to say some of them. You can now identify (and say a few of them): eyes, nose, mouth, tongue, teeth, hair, ear, belly button, tummy, hands, knee, feet, head, cheek, toes, chin, and penis. You are also pretty consistent in using family members' names (especially Zaide, Grandma (which often sounds a lot like "Ma" or "Mama"), NaNa, Kiki, Paul), and you love pointing to everyone's pictures when we ask you where someone is. You're saying "yes" ("zes"), and you have made up your own words for "outside" ("ra-ra") and "snack" ("guy"). Not sure where those came from, but we know what you are talking about when you say them! One of my favorite "games" is the "Animal Game" when I ask you and another person (usually Daddy, although yesterday we played it with Aunt Kiki) what sound a certain animal makes. You love the "conversation" of it - knowing when to answer because I used your name, and when to wait your turn because I said "Daddy," before asking something like, "What does a cow say?"

-You love riding your Batmobile that Miles and Aunt Gayle gave you! What a great gift! You are so obsessed with cars these days - pointing out every.single.car you see! So, this ride-on was right up your alley! :) You can now get on and off by yourself as well as move forwards and backwards all on your own.

-You are able to walk backwards and twirl around in circles! You can also do forward rolls (somersaults) on your own - 85% of the time, you go sideways, but the other 15% you do it perfectly!

-You're using a spoon much better these days, but I still help you quite a bit. We're working on this... along with scribbling with a crayon, which you can do well for a few minutes before you want to chew on it! Oh, how I can't wait until you stop trying to eat EVERYTHING!

-Speaking of eating, (and I know I'm about to jinx it as I type these words!), you are a great eater. Veggies are hit or miss - but you'll always accept a baby food veggie. Although, tonight, you loved the crockpot cooked carrots we made - ate them as most of your meal! You still love fruit more than anything, with meats being a close second! You're also totally my kid when it comes to LOVING cheese, which you can identify in any form/package! I am doing my best to continue to introduce you to new flavors, textures, meals, casseroles, etc. I have a lot of fun coming up with dinners and lunches, and that fun is even more exciting when you enjoy something I made. I absolutely hate when I worked hard on a meal, and you won't try it or you spit it out. (Daddy and I had THE BEST chicken pot pie the other night, and you refused to even try it. BOY, you so missed out! Daddy even said it was in his "top 5 favorite meals" that I have made.)

-You also stopped drinking from bottles altogether! I wrote about that here, and other than taking a little bit more time to fall asleep in the past 6 nights, you are doing great!

See?? I told you it was a big month, as you are becoming such a big boy! Sometimes I look at you and still think of you as my little 9 month old or my little 6 month old. But, other times (more often!), I look at you in disbelief that you getting so "old" looking! As the weather gets cold again, I'm reminded of so many things that happened last winter. The smells, the clothes, the heat on!, the feel of cold air... it brings me back to last year, and that's when I am brought back to you being so little bitty. Sometimes I think about Bubbie and all she's missing. I get sad that she's missed this whole year with you; this time of year reminds me of her so much, and I can't help but think of the last few times you were with her. I know she would be so proud of her smart, handsome, curious young grandson. I wish she were here to watch you grow up, and I know she would have wanted that more than anything in the whole world. I want to freeze time sometimes because it's going so fast... but I know Bubbie would be so pleased, so giddy, so in awe of how well you are growing, how fast you are learning, and how healthy you are! I know I am!

I love you with all my heart, Banner Boone. Happy 16 months, Sweet Boy!
Love,
Mommy

One year ago today!

Earlier this month

You and me a few nights ago - walking at night as the cold front blew in

A Day at the Aquarium

Aunt Kiki had a day off from work today and wanted to spend a little extra one-on-one time with Banner. She was so sweet and took us to the World Aquarium this morning, and what a fun, stimulating time it was for my sweet boy. We saw lots of fish, sharks, flamingos, penguins, frogs, bats, sloths, ducks, parrots, monkeys, owls, eels, and even a jaguar! I think Banner was on overload a lot of the time as he learned new animals and saw lots he'd only ever seen in pictures! We definitely got a lot of great pictures before it was time for (Mommy's special-made) lunch at the park. Here are some pics from our awesome morning. Thank you, Aunt Kiki, for such a fun-filled morning and mostly for the special time we got to spend together. We love you!

Special Aquarium Lunch

Octopus on Seashells - more fun lunch!

Pointing out the waterfall

The top of a manatee from above... Crazy big!

Swans

Ducks

This was Banner's face pretty much all day!

The head of a huge anaconda; see him peeking up?

Bats... FREAKED ME OUT

I love how she just plops down on the floor with him

Octopus

Jellyfish

Love this - looking at a penguin

My favorite was the shark tunnel - SO cool

Love Kira's face here . . . the tank was kinda scary!

Love the reflection

Looking up at more sharks overhead

Reaching for Mama

By the end of the day, Banner was hooting like an owl

Jaguar

Flamingos

Park time!

No More Bottles!

I'm having a bit of a bittersweet evening. My baby boy has officially dropped all bottles, and I'm both thrilled and saddened by this event. I had tried to drop all bottles at 12 months, but that just wasn't feasible for our family after two days of trying to drop cold turkey. So, we decided to fit in at least 16 ounces into three bottles each day (rather than the four he had usually taken of formula before turning one-year). Banner got a bottle upon waking from the night and from his second nap, and he got his last bottle right before bed. The first bottle to go was the nap bottle. That was easy. The second bottle to go was the morning bottle. It was rough for a day or so, but then Banner got the hint that a sippy cup is all I'd offer him. And, then, the weaning I'd been dreading... the bedtime bottle. This bottle was so much a part of our routine. How was I going to cope without it? Not only was I worried about Banner freaking out about not having it, but I was so sad that that special quiet time before bed was going to end.

But, life goes on, and last night was Banner's last bottle. We had slowly dropped ounces out of that bedtime bottle until we got to about 3.5 ounces. As I sat with him last night, trying to burn the image before me into my mommy brain, I held Banner and rocked him as he held his bottle in his mouth. I purposefully made the moment a bit melodramatic to keep from crying (which I actually did do at 12 months when I thought we were really dropping bottles!), telling Banner all about how bottles have helped him grow and be nourished, how he should be grateful to the bottles he's had, and how this would be his last one. When he took that last suck and drained the last drops, I told him to say bye-bye to his bottle. He waved at it, and then we went to brush his teeth. It was a moment I know I'll remember for a long time, but it's one I hope he actually forgot by today. I don't want him missing it, even if I will.

Sure, I won't miss washing those darn things, but I will miss those quiet moments that we have shared together all these months. I know I'm making a big deal about a little thing, but I know people whose newborns are struggling to leave the NICU because the suck/swallow/breathe reflex is not working so well. If only they could learn to drink from a bottle and take all feedings without a feeding tube, they could go home. So, yes, I know not to take the ability my baby has had all these months to feed so easily from a bottle. Granted, I never wanted him to have a bottle in those early months; I wanted him to strictly breastfeed, but when that didn't work for us and my hopes of a being a successful nurser were shattered, the next best thing was the bottle. So, this evening is a little bittersweet to not have a bottle to prepare, to hold, to wash.

We will see how the next few nights go with this change. So far, this night has been unremarkable - nothing new to report. Banner knew there was something different - a bit off - but going to bed was easy and seamless, like we never skipped a beat. I'm hopeful that the days of the bottle will be one big blur to him and that there isn't some awful attachment to it. But, Mommy is having a few moments tonight (although without tears, thank goodness!) to mourn her own attachment to having a baby young enough to need a bottle!

Another Great Article: The Lasts

When I was in college, I took a writing class and wrote an essay entitled "The Dance," and it was about my first love - Sam. At the time, we were broken up. I was still missing him so badly, and writing this piece was very cathartic; so much so that I ended up writing several additional essays just for myself about what I remembered from our relationship, our break-up, our love, our friendship, etc. At one point in the original essay, I wrote about "the lasts," which are all the times you reflect on after a relationship ends - the last kiss, the last dance, the last date, the last time you laughed together, the last time we saw each other...

Tonight, my friend posted an article on Facebook, but this time, the "lasts" are all about parenting and not knowing when the moment will come for your child to do something for the last time. I'm pretty good - okay, really good - at noting Banner's firsts. Like most parents, we want to document these momentous occasions - first tooth, first word, first food, first time to walk/crawl/stand/sit, etc. We often are in such a rush for our kids to grow up that we pay little attention to the last time they do something that makes them the babies they once were. For me, I do pay attention to some of these things. Tomorrow night, Sam and I agreed, will be Banner's last bottle. We need to move past those for various reasons, but I'm really struggling with letting go of this! Banner had his last "two-nap-day" last week, and we've made the transition to one nap a day with great ease. I'm glad the transition was so seamless - in fact, I wonder how that happened on its own so easily when I anticipated a struggle of challenging days for weeks! But, even though it was great - I miss my boy being young enough to need two-three naps. I remember the days he didn't even have a "schedule," and he napped all day in those early weeks home from the hospital. He can't stay this little forever, I know. . . and I will be glad when the frustration of this particular stage has flown by (after all, yesterday, we turned our backs for one freakin' second and the boy was playing in the toilet!). But, this article reminded me of how fast time goes by and how grateful I am to be at home with Banner these early, young days. It reminds me that so many times, I won't know that I'm witnessing "the last" something. I really couldn't have said it better than this author... Read on:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/devon-corneal/parenting-lasts_b_1874086.html

Guest Post: About Your Mommy

Dear Banner,

I recently asked your mommy for a chance to write a guest post on her blog. She does not know what I'm writing,what it is titled, or even remotely what the subject is. You see, she writes this blog to keep track of our lives, of your growth and development, and in the hopes that you will someday be able to look back and see what you were up to all these years ago. What mommy rarely does, however, is talk about herself (unless it in some way relates to you). I wanted to write something so that, one day in the future, when you're reading this about what you were like, you will have some record of what your mommy was like, too.

She thinks about you. You are at the forefront of her thoughts all the time. If it's past your bedtime, she is constantly reminding me to be quiet so that I don't wake you up. If it is the morning, she is making sure that you are fed, clean and presentable to the world. If she is not with you, she is wondering how you're doing. If she is out and about with you, she is trying to find new ways to stimulate your mind and keep you entertained and happy.

She plans for you. Mommy is always planning, making a list, preparing something. She is rearranging and restocking your diaper bag constantly. She is planning your upcoming week with play dates, gymnastics, reading time at the library, getting time in with friends & family, and even what you will eat. She is always calculating what time your meals and nap(s) will be each day depending on the night before and when you woke up. She is figuring the timing of big events coming up with your schedule in mind, from a wedding we're in to the Race for the Cure to one of your cousins' birthday parties.  It is a rarity indeed for mommy not to be prepared for whatever may pop up with your schedule.

She creates for you. Mommy is constantly researching new things to do with you at home and out in the wide world. She finds ways to create new experiences for you at the zoo, at the library, or even just at home. She builds organizers for your toys. She designs projects for you to play and learn. She finds a way to submerge you in social and educational environments. She sculpts giraffe-shaped sandwiches for trips to the zoo and football-shaped crackers when the Horns or Cowboys play - all for you. She bakes new breads and concocts new recipes to expand your palette.

She teaches for you. She designs activities at home that she knows will teach you a new skill or show you a new facet of our world. She reads with you and encourages you to acquire language. She coaches you on how to do new things that you've never done before, most of the time with the intent that you will be able to do them again on your own. She takes time to substitute at her old school so that you have time to stay with Aunt Kiki, Grandma, Aunt Gayle or Aunt Shelby and learn from them, too.

She nurtures you. All of these things are done to nurture your personality, your sense of humor, your intellect, and your smile. When you smile she smiles brighter as a result. When you laugh she bellows out with joy. When you cry her heart aches for a way to make it better. When you fuss she fights herself to react in a way that she wants to model for you. When you just need a moment to cuddle, she is a soft, warm place for you to nuzzle and be home.

She remembers for you. She keeps a running list of your milestones, including how old you are when you reach them, and she notes the details to remember the circumstances surrounding your growth. She has diaries of the foods you have eaten and how you reacted. She blogs several times a week to ensure that we all have a catalog of you.

Everything your mommy does is for you. You are constantly on her mind, in her thoughts and prayers, and in her arms for as long as you will hold still in them. You are so blessed to have a mommy as great as yours. Like me, she loves you more every day and more than she ever knew she could. No matter where you go or what you do, she is with you, she is thinking about you, and she loves you.

Love, Daddy

Arth-freakin'-ritis

If you haven't kept up with the "knee issue" posts, feel free to go back and reread them, but extremely long story extremely short: I have arthritis. My rheumatologist isn't sure what kind it is just yet, and we may never know for sure, but it's either rheumatoid or psoriatic. My internist agrees, and she empathized with what I must be going through at the beginning of a diagnosis. She totally hit the nail on the head - explaining how frustrating it must be to have to go back and forth to the pharmacy to change medications because the other one(s) were not working, to keep paying a copay for them, to keep getting my hopes up that one med will work but then it doesn't, to not have all the answers, etc. What she didn't elaborate on was the pain I am feeling. So, I feel the need to just vent and get it out  tonight.

I feel like a prisoner in this body of mine. I feel like I am trapped in this tight, painful, sore, achy body with random parts that don't want to move, be used, be stretched, or turn certain directions. I'm very optimistic that we will find a medication that works, but right now I am on anti-inflammatory number 3, and I'm still not finding much relief. I was allergic to the first one, the second one didn't work, and I'm not feeling much benefit from this one. There are more options, and we are not at the end of the line by any means, but I'm just so frustrated with my body.

Sleeping is rough. I was always a good sleeper, and I still am. The problem comes in when I want to change positions or turn over. The moment I move, at all, I'm in pain. To pull my knee up, to turn my arm a different way, to rearrange how my wrist is situated under my head - it all just wakes me up and causes involuntary facial expressions as I wince at the tightness and painfulness of my body. Turning over causes both Sam and I to wake up, as it is a long, tedious process.

Waking up in the morning is the worst, I think. My body feels so sore and stiff. My right wrist (and since yesterday, my left wrist) and my left shoulder and elbow don't seem to want to cooperate. I feel like a ton of bricks has been added to my body each morning as I slowly will the strength to walk to Banner's room when I hear him cry out in the morning - and then muster even more strength and stamina to lift him out of his crib only to fight him on the changing table. Most mornings, my right wrist wants nothing to do with this fight, and I usually let Banner win for a bit until he's a little less inquisitive and I can distract him enough to try to lay still so I can change his full, wet diaper. While Sam is really helpful, I don't want to depend on him or have him bear the brunt of my body's weaknesses. Many mornings, anyway, he's already out the door to a meeting or event (which is GREAT for his business!). I absolutely HATE that the mere lifting of my not-even-25-pound toddler causes me such pain - or even anxiety. I have learned how to compensate most of the day - but the morning is rough. Even my right knee (which is still very swollen and stiff) gets pissed at me in the morning when I try to sit on the toilet - getting up and down from it causes me to feel like one very.OLD.lady! Oh, and then there's the left side of my jaw, which pops all day now. It's painful to even eat much of anything. Even wearing my night guard which I have had for years to prevent TMJ and grinding teeth has not helped alleviate the pain I'm feeling. Again, this only adds to the complete and utter feeling of being trapped in this body. It's like every morning my young, internal side is yelling, "LET ME OUT OF HERE!" I just want to be able to DO! (As I once read on an RA blog: "The pain is horrible, but the frustration is worse." Oh, I couldn't have said it better!)

Throughout the day, like I said before, I have learned to compensate. I lift Banner from the floor by leaning over and having him hug into me, so I lift with both arms underneath his armpits rather than using my hands underneath him. That prevents the pain in my wrist. I've learned to just let some of the small things go - which is probably a good thing anyway - like picking up his dropped/thrown sippy cup on the floor throughout a meal. I rely more on the vacuum/electronic broom more often - whereas I would usually just get down and collect all the spilled/dropped/thrown food with my hands and a wet paper towel. And, I'm slowly learning how to get up and down off the floor faster, although that is still a huge task when I'm trying to balance my weight and avoid my "bad" joints which are sprinkled on both sides of the body. I can't put weight on my right wrist, my left elbow, my right knee, and certain toes - so it's a challenge, but I'm trying! I just worry about the opposite areas compensating for my weak ones. In fact, like I mentioned earlier, my left wrist just started hurting - as if it's been a little bit jealous of the attention my right wrist was getting and needed to stir up trouble to get on my radar!

Ironically, I've needed Sam's help opening my medicine bottle first thing in the morning. I can't get enough strength behind my wrist to move and twist the bottle cap. The feelings that come along with this are awful: feeling inadequate, weak, dependent. I spoke with a friend (and former colleague) of mine who has rheumatoid arthritis, and it was so nice to hear that I'm not alone in these feelings. She was also diagnosed after her first child was born. We talked about how isolating having RA can be and how - even though our husbands are extremely understanding and empathic - they still won't ever really feel what we are feeling. It's hard to feel like an old woman at such young ages, and it's hard to feel weak or incapable when you really WANT to move, help, lift, etc.

I have a disease that no one can see or tell I have just by looking at me. No one can judge how much pain or discomfort I'm feeling, and the only way they would even possibly know or start to imagine is if I tell them. But, I'm not really one to go around telling people out of the blue that I have a disease. Honestly, I guess I just figured no one cares. But, with an invisible disease causing me pain, stiffness, achy-ness, and swelling, it's hard to feel normal.

There are times when I'm really hurting and just want everyone in the room to know. There have been times when I'm subbing and want the kids to walk themselves to PE so that I don't have to suffer the walk down the hallway. There have been times when I'm at gymnastics with a distracted Banner, and I could care less if he's doing what he's supposed to or not because I'm too sore to keep chasing after him. I'm finding it more and more difficult to write - so when I've gone to the doctor's office and had to sign-in or fill out paperwork, I hate holding the pen and trying to write well. (Typing doesn't hurt at all; holding a pen and grasping it as I move my wrist does hurt.) There have been times when I appear lazy or weak - like trying to move boxes to pack up after a garage sale, and boxes just slip right out of my grip, even a light box filled with stuffed animals. There have been times I just feel flu-like - weak and feverish (which I've heard is normal for RA patients), and I just have to suck it up and get over it. As the mother of a toddler, I don't get much choice, and I certainly don't get any sick days.

Some days are better than others, and some tasks are easier than others. Usually, by the end of the day, I might feel a little better and looser, only to face the next morning with a brand new start with pain and stiffness. It kind of makes me dread bedtime - knowing that I'll wake up the next day hurting again. Like I said before, though, I'm really hoping to find a medication that makes all of this history! I can't wait to have my body back to use as it is supposed to be used! I asked my friend if I will ever be able to run and chase and crawl with Banner without feeling this pain. I was relieved to hear that YES, I will get there! Once we find the right medication, I will be a better mommy to my boy, and I won't feel so run down. That, of course, was music to my ears - and I am holding on to that thought and to that image!
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Note: I've added three new blogs about living with RA to my Blog Roll (on the right hand side of this page). Feel free to look around it for more information from these writers who deal with RA everyday. Some of what they say scares me because it's way worse than mine and I hope I am not headed in that direction - but most of it lets me know how NOT alone I am in my feelings and frustrations.)