Dear Quinn,
Over two months ago, you turned 13. A true teenager, and it's still hard to believe! I purposefully waited to write this letter to you because I wanted to include all the details of your amazing bar mitzvah weekend in this update, so forgive my tardiness. It was already 3 weeks ago, and I'm still blown away by your poise, your perfection, your calm, your OWNing that day. It was simply spectacular, and I could not be more proud of you!
At 13, you have really developed in to your own person, and while we definitely see clear signs of teenage attitude, angst, and boundary-testing, you are quite an impressive young man. Let me tell you about yourself at 13:
- You are highly intrinsically motivated to do well in school. You do not like to get low grades, even if it doesn't really affect your overall average. Play tests in band nearly did you in during 6th grade. You wanted to be the best percussionist, and you hated those tests because they stressed you out - even though we kept telling you it's okay to make mistakes or to get one low score every now and then. Eventually, you let up and realized we were right. It's kind of hard to tell your kid to stop practicing or stop worrying about his grades, but you needed that permission to just let it go. You know what you need to study and when, and you hold yourself to your own standards. You break down larger projects and assignments into smaller ones, a strength I wish your big brother had! You map out how you will tackle a big task - from science projects to PACE projects.
- Because you are hard enough on yourself, you don't like strict teachers who are unnecessarily hard on you. Mrs. Mosbarger and Mrs. Bolton last year were your biggest frustrations, and you didn't always see why they made the class do certain things (especially the new country Olympics in PACE), but you are always proud of yourself for sticking it out and not letting them run you off! You really wanted to drop PACE last year, but in the end, I think you really liked it.
- Similarly, you didn't want your conflicts with classmates and peers to run you out of Rice last year. Some of the girls were real bitches, and some of the guys were complete dicks. They were rude and mean, and you even reported some bullying behaviors that were investigated and found to be confirmed. It was a brave thing to do, but you stood your ground and they eventually stopped. I asked if you wanted to move schools after it all seemed to be too much at one point. You said no, because your really liked your school and your other friends. I loved that you trusted me and told me everything that was going on. We watched Mean Girls to help you recognize social bullying and isolation, and I think this really helped. Girls at your age are psychopaths, and it's best to steer clear!
- You do have one special girl, though. I've been a little weary of her and cautious about your relationship with her. She's not really allowed to have a boyfriend, but that's what you are to her. I've always thought it was silly to not allow kids to have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." You're going to like and love who you want - so why not just call it what it is if it's mutual? But, I remain guarded as you've been played in the past, and you're too gullible, trusting, and naive to remember not everyone is as sweet as you, Q.
- During all the bullying bullshit that went down this year, you leaned on Mrs. Underwood to help you. She was really helpful for you. One thing I'll always remember as your mom, though, was when she called me to tell me what a great job I'm doing - that you had told her how much you share with me and listen to my advice. (Apparently the girls had made fun of this, telling you to "go tell your mom" because they know we are close. Mrs. Underwood talked to you about how that's not a bad thing, and your response - although I don't think you actually said this to them - was basically, "I'm so sorry you don't have a good relationship with your mom.")
- Our entire family absolutely loves your baseball team and the friends you've made through being on the RoughRiders team. This year, especially, your team has gelled so well, and it's fun to watch your relationships with those guys bloom. You're still pretty anxious at bat. At practice you're on fire, and then you get up to bat at a game, and you get quite nervous - wanting to decide for yourself if every pitch is a strike or a ball, while forgetting to just swing at what you can hit! You get very upset at the umps who make the call, and you strike out from not swinging more often than getting a walk. I just want you to let that bat do its job! Swing it, baby, SWING! But at 2nd base, you're "the monster," so attentive and ready to get the next out.
- Okay, let's talk about the teenagerish stuff. You can really lose your temper. In fact, we found out that this summer at Greene, some of the kids called you "bipolar" because you could go from joking around to losing it pretty quickly. One time this summer, we did an escape room at Shenaniganz with Grandma, Damon, Levi, and Knox, and you were agitated that we weren't figuring it out more quickly, so you lost your cool and started throwing things around. You can just snap pretty fast. One time, after your team lost a game, you ran to the dugout throwing your glove. Jerod had to have a word with you about your attitude and sportsmanship, which actually made me really glad that you have another person there to remind you of how to handle these disappointments and frustrations. I get that you're upset or angry, but you've got to learn to control your outbursts. You are still taking your anxiety meds, and maybe we need to increase (or decrease?) those. We wanted to look at that more after the bar mitzvah, so now that this has passed, it might be time to look at this.
- You're more and more obsessed with your phone. Not abnormal, but this is concerning, and it has become such a distraction for you.
- Other teenagerish stuff: More and more forgetfulness and a little bit of hiding the real truth... I'll ask if you did your band practice, and you will say you did it; your Hebrew practice, done; study for math test - I don't need to; write those thank you notes, I'll do double tomorrow. The thing is, you usually know yourself well enough to know if you need to do the things I'm asking, but you're slipping a little, and sometimes I think you get a little too cocky and comfortable. I can usually tell you're lying, and the truth eventually comes out, but this year has been the first year that you've really started to push that boundary.
- Speaking of comfortable - you are my kid, and your favorite place to be is in your pajamas at home. You love coming home and showering, getting in your pjs right away, and just chilling at home.
- You're still my boy who loves to cuddle, wants back scratches in the morning, and lets me hug all over you. I hope that never goes away! I just love loving on you, I love that you let me!
Bar mitzvah prepping and planning this year was so easy and exciting with you. Our conversation with Rabbi Stern and Cantor Glikin were amazing. You've been really into philosophy this year, and I've loved hearing your thought about Noah's ark and what it's really about. It has given us so much to talk about as a family, and you (with Dad's help and mine) wrote a phenomenal speech about your thoughts. And when it came time to deliver that speech, you nailed it! You've been taking Speech this school year (although only 9 weeks of it before the big day), and I think those conversations about public speaking really helped you know that you're not alone in fearing speaking (and chanting!) in front of others. You didn't look nervous one bit, and everyone has been saying how awesome you did! (Shhh, don't tell anyone else, but Uncle Brock says you did better than any of the other kids in our family!) Even Banner said your speech "was fucking awesome; way better than mine!" I had to tell him that you two just had very different Torah portions - his was unknown and boring and he had to make his meaningful and interesting; yours was very well-known, and you had to make people think differently about what they already knew or thought. Both of you did great, and both of you made/make me very proud!
After all the excitement of the weekend (from Shabbat dinner at Art Centre of Plano to the service and luncheon to party time at Corky's to brunch at our house), saying goodbye to it all was hard. You did not want to go to school the next day. I was pretty adamant that you do. Fall break had been the week before your weekend, so I didn't like you "needing" to miss after so much time already off of school. However, you were very teary and emotional, and I could sense you needed more time to unwind. So, Dad and I agreed to let you stay home Monday. I whispered that you could stay home while standing outside of Knox's room (because I didn't want him to know he was going to school and you weren't). Immediately, I felt your body relax into mine as I hugged you. You cried and held me tightly.
"Thank you for making my bar mitzvah amazing," you whispered in my ear. "You did that," I said. "Well, thanks for making the party so amazing. The only thing I would have changed is having the people who couldn't come." I cried with you. Your words were so sweet, only wanting more people to have been able to share in our weekend and being so grateful for how everything went.
Other things I'll always remember from your bar mitzvah:
- Standing in the robing room with Rabbi Stern, Cantor Glikin, Dad, you, amd me - in a circle - when Rabbi Stern praised you for all your hard work. He asked you what was your favorite word from your Torah portion. You thought for a minute... no answer. "Too many to choose?" I asked. Rabbi Stern nudged me to let you think. "Noach," you replied. We all put our hands in the circle and said "Noach" on three. Later in the service, when Rabbi Stern was speaking directly to you in front of everyone, he mentioned the "Quinn pause." He doted on you for having the patience and wherewithal to think before speaking. He said we all (including himself) should take a lesson from you and learn to think before we speak. He praised you for your deep thoughts and thorough examination of how and what you want to say.
- How confident and mature you looked standing on the bimah.
- Knox giving his little speech at Corky's that evening.
- How you handled a few voice cracks with complete confidence and lack of concern (dare I say, "nonchalant!")
- Watching you have fun with your friends
- How quickly you got your thank you cards written without much fuss about writing them! (Thank YOU!)
Goodness, Quinn! I'm just so lucky to be your mom! You're a really neat kid - so bright (both smart and joyful), so thoughtful and intentional. You're driven and inquisitive, and you really want to be all you can be (except when your phone usage gets in the way of that!). I am bracing myself for these angsty years ahead, not knowing how the teen years will unfold for you. But, I also know you have your head on straight and can do hard things. Just keep talking to me, trusting me, letting me know what is going on in that head of yours. While the goal of adolescence is to separate from us a little, it's also the time when you should most cling to us. Yes, you're growing into your own self, and yes, it's normal to try to figure it all out on your own, but let us guide you and help you cross the bridge from childhood to adulthood without falling off!
I love you so much, and I wish you the best year ahead as a 13-year-old! Happy Birthday and Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah!!
Love,
Mom
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| Celebrating 13 at Tokyo Harbor |
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